The Occultus

Dear Ray
incredible storyline, so different and for that I have gratitude. Reading so many works on angels and demons it can begin to be the same old. However your book was not, well crafted with characters that are wow real? your pitches are very well dont as it was both of them that took me from my genre over to yours today. And pleased am I that I crossed over as it showed me talent and skill that if I had stayed limited to my own genre, I would not have found.
BACKED for sure by me
I do hope you can cross over to my genre and review my book, please comment ( this assists me in honing my skill) and if you feel, back it.
Thanks and BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
Denise
The Letter

Serena shows a bit of cleavage, maybe that's why she's an angel on probation - it's very witty stuff and so well written in the first person it's almost impossible not to listen to Nat. He may be a demon but he speaks the truth. As he says, humans almost don't need him with the awful things they do to each other. When he and Serena look at the woman in the instiution and he discusses what it would take for her to sell her soul to him to be free, we agree with him it would probably be very little.
I've read only the first chapter but already the superficiality of humans is beginning to show. Backed. Lynn

Not my usual genre but I found your pitch intriguing and the first chapter hooked me in. Usually the characters in this type of book are very samey but you've managed to get personality coming through the good and the bad. Your writing is confident, showing rather than telling so that the reader brings his own interpretation to the action. I think this will do very well when you've got the rest up.
Backed Rober Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Ray,

I backed you earlier today but short on time. I'm returning to let you know that you sold me on your well-written pitches. They are so important to sell a writer's work. I skimmed through your chapters before backing you, but I've now had a chance to do a more in-depth read.

Every sentence accomplishes one of what has been called The Big Three. They either define or flesh out a character, advance the plot, or create some atmosphere. This is a great read.

Rodney

A gripping fantasy journey filled with surprises. Well-crafted characters with real emotions. Splintered lives. Excellent dialogue and narrative. Compelling tension. Intriguing storyline Awesome world building. Lucid writing. A stirring read. Backed.

The tone isn't really for me, but the dialogue is good and you have an excellent premise. I really like Mick's suggestion, so I'm going to second that. That would be a real grabber for me. either way, it is well written and an intriguing story line. Good luck with this!
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Ray,
I thought the sentence -
‘You shouldn’t trust me because, as with all demons, I have a tendency to lie.’ ,would make an excellent opening for your book.
In ch1 3rd paragraph I didn’t think you needed to go through the ‘you won’t believe me’ thing again.
Otherwise, I liked the voice in this.
MickR – The Nightcrawler.

Dear Ray --

We were hooked despite not being the usual readers for demons; your demon has quite a compelling voice, and it remains both interesting and balanced throughout the chapters you've uploaded here. The Occultus is genuine enteratinment and well-written, which is an extra bit of joy when wrapped within a story that sets a rapid pace that draws in your readers. We caught the same crits as others have mentioned, which ought to say how little you've left to chance. Excellent. BACKED. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

The Occultus

Ray Morgan

Very strong pitches. After reading them I glanced to the left of the screen expecting to see a YA tag - lo and behold there was none - I'll admit, I was a little relieved. This myth of the Occultus I find fascinating. Soul-stealing demons are all about - you didn't have to work that hard to convince me but I am glad you did. Persuasive first chapter and it's good to see a writer speaking to his reader here - apparently you didn't know there was an Autho "rule" that you shouldn't speak directloy to your reader. Points galore for breaking the rules. Demons have a tendency to lie, so a demon admitting he is a demon means he isn't or convinces rather that he is a whack job escaped from the local looney bin? From the start you engage the reader in thought, in conversation almost. I think you have some fresh ideas behind this novel. I enjoyed some aspects of it. When you introduced Serena in ch 1, and then those references to that auburn temptress in chapter two, I became bored. Why? There was a cheapness to substance here which might appeal to male readers perhaps, but unfortunately not to a reader like myself. Is this chick lit? You haven't tagged it as such but while I see great potential in your ideas and themes, which as I said seem fresh and exciting, and while you have an excellent easy, conversational style of writing, too much of this reads like paraliterature to me, which I have an aversion to. However, there is a wide audience for this sort of literature so no worries. (Nit - second para of ch 1 - "...the jokes on you..." - should be "...the joke's on you...")
Nice sketches of demons and angels with some amusing details.

Deliciously cynical and fully of gloriously pungent wit. I enjoyed this enormously.

This first chapter has promise. Interestingly written.Oddly humorous. Wittily unorthodox.


A nit: The "jokes" on you needs punctuated, i.e. "the joke's on you."

I like the storyline and think it is well written and explained. The pitches are great. I like the humour injected throughout this. Backed.

Chase

Backed! we all have demons! We like your 1st person approach and your naughty angel. Hope you will take time to look at our book Dark Side, a paranormal thriller.

CC Brown

Backed!
Splinker
"I've Been Deader"

B.D.S.T. II

This made for a different take on familiar themes (little joke there!) :)
You write well and I enjoyed your 'coversational' style of delivery. The first person POV works well and does not seem contrived but natural. Good luck with an entertaining story.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Nate comes out snarling from the start. This is a demon with a BAD attitude, even as far as demons go. He does have the odd glimmer of insight, 'those who didn't respect their souls - they'd sell it for a shiny penny'. But mostly he's just sarcastic, 'It was a wonder she even managed to stay in shape', 'A deep hearty laugh, the kind Mr Saint Nick might give to kiddies at Christmas'. Nothing worse than having your sleep disturbed by an exorcism. Not that this bothers our suave demon too much, 'leaving the two top buttons undone naturally'.

An amusing and entertaining story that turns the Supernatural series on its head: it's the demon who's the MC while the young hunter is in need of help ... very much in need of help, and the only place it's likely to come from is Nate. The pitch promises that the whole thing will escalate into something even more original and complex, with the Occultus revealing unexpected mysteries. Nate is an unreliable narrator, in that I don't think he even tells himself the truth. I suspect his bluster covers up for the fact that he's got the odd soft spot here and there. Terrific writing ... backed.

Possible nits: 'the joke[']s on you'. 'I'm some whack job that [who] escaped'. 'every ten years to fifty years or so', omit first 'years'. 'an acquaintance that [who] helped'. 'before the words even ... my words kept him'. 'An angel told me." His face told me'.

I love your openning. You have created a great character in Nathaniel. A laid back, sassy demon with an attitude. Your storyline is extremely well done and most refreshing. In using the first person narrative, which I also like, you explore well the feelings, thoughts and emotions of your MC which also nicely sets the tone for your story. Your imaginative writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I found the following:

"Would you hell." What does this mean? Typo?

"...the jokes on you." Should be a contraction, "...the joke's on you."

In fact, there are so many of these inconsistencies and grammatical errors in the first chapter, that it would take me too long to note them all here.

In your attempt to be conversational, you included several run-on sentences and many typos.

I would suggest that you read your work aloud, as this helps me to find errors in my own work.

You have a good idea, you just need to rework it.

Best of luck with it.
Mike

I love this premise and the writing is imaginative and well crafted! Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Hi Ray, Nathaniel’s telling about his being a demon kept me reading and Serena’s conversation was illuminating too. It gives a different dimension to reality, and Nathaniel’s POV makes his activities somewhat convincing. His voice seems to fit his station. The bar and his being in usual places intrigues. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Not my sort of genre. However, I like the underlying theme. I'm placing it on my Watchlist.
Sue50

HiRay,
Nat is great -- a real little devil. Brilliant voice, witty, conversational and hard to resist. Fine writing, backed with pleasure.
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

This is a rolicking bit of fun and one of the very few instances where I've been able to accept the present tense. You pulled it off for me. Happily backed. =)

Quite universal themes written with humor and imagination. Slightly naughty angel is a hoot!
BACKED

Elizabeth Wolfe
Would you consider backing MEMORIES OF GLORY? I thank you for taking a look.

Placed the Occultus on our watchlist. We definitely must read.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Clever mix of humor and fantasy. I'm quite a skeptic myself, but having Nathaniel address my suspicions directly in the opening monologue worked to draw me into this well-plotted, quirky story. Backed.

Nobrarara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

Hi Ray
This is quite clever and there was some really funny stuff. I like the idea of Nathaniel being a bit of a loser hero. It is a really well execute character driven book. All I can say is I found it quite unique and enjoyed it a lot.
DP Walker
Five Dares

This has an excellent sense of wit and intelligence about it. I love the humour, and between Serena and Nate, I'm delighted by the rich, exotic wealth of the characters. Wonderfully three-dimensional, they could hold the book up on their own, but with an engaging plot in the mix as well, then it's clear you've got something great, here.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

This is well written and I'm sure very apropos as far as your chosen genre is concerned...not really my thing but good writing is, well...good writing!
Cheers
Stewart

I love the playfulness between Serena and Nathaniel. This is the first time I have ever read a book from a Demon's point of view. I love how you have humanized the characters. An angel, that's predictable. But a temptress angel who is celebate but dresses like she wants to be anything but is brilliant. And Nathaniel is so surprisingly human that its easy to think he's just an every day joe, oh, except the demon part.

Well done!
Marissa
By Flame's Light

This extremely well written
The dialogue conveys the character of Nathaniel perfectly
and its an attractive character, cool, very much in charge
In the first two chapters the reader gets a real flavour of the story and its potential
the pitch for the book is clever as well
Backed
Micheal O'Durcain
Murder on the Menu

Couldn't resist the nummy title.

Backed.

Samantha L.
Requiem Eternal

A witty look at the battle between good and evil, with human flaws and characteristics inherent in both the demon and the angel. It makes for a good read, and the dialogue between the two is well done, as they argue over souls. I'm enjoying it, and will read more as time permits. Backed

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

You have a level of humour in this that I find fantastic!
I think the personal one-to-one with the reader style you have, through first person is brilliant. What I have enjoyed when reading this is the character of Nathaniel, through thoughts and actions you make him come alive. Whilst light, fun and a great read it has a deeper thread running through it. – One I would definitely buy.

I love the voice - conspiratorial, immediate and personal. I love the topic. I've just started my second book on a similar theme. Putting you on my watchlist to read over the weekend. Will leave a comment then.

Excellent stuff here. Amongst a darkly humorous work you have created fully rounded, interesting characters, a plot that move forward almost of its own accord and a writing style that is quick witted and fulfilling. The dialogue between the mischievous angel and the demon is filled with sarcasm and derision but I note a familiarity that breeds a friednship of sorts.

BACKED TOTALLY AND HAPPILY. GOOD LUCK. CHEERS.

Dear Ray
incredible storyline, so different and for that I have gratitude. Reading so many works on angels and demons it can begin to be the same old. However your book was not, well crafted with characters that are wow real? your pitches are very well dont as it was both of them that took me from my genre over to yours today. And pleased am I that I crossed over as it showed me talent and skill that if I had stayed limited to my own genre, I would not have found.
BACKED for sure by me
I do hope you can cross over to my genre and review my book, please comment ( this assists me in honing my skill) and if you feel, back it.
Thanks and BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
Denise
The Letter

Not my usual genre but I found your pitch intriguing and the first chapter hooked me in. Usually the characters in this type of book are very samey but you've managed to get personality coming through the good and the bad. Your writing is confident, showing rather than telling so that the reader brings his own interpretation to the action. I think this will do very well when you've got the rest up.
Backed Rober Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Serena shows a bit of cleavage, maybe that's why she's an angel on probation - it's very witty stuff and so well written in the first person it's almost impossible not to listen to Nat. He may be a demon but he speaks the truth. As he says, humans almost don't need him with the awful things they do to each other. When he and Serena look at the woman in the instiution and he discusses what it would take for her to sell her soul to him to be free, we agree with him it would probably be very little.
I've read only the first chapter but already the superficiality of humans is beginning to show. Backed. Lynn

Ray,

I backed you earlier today but short on time. I'm returning to let you know that you sold me on your well-written pitches. They are so important to sell a writer's work. I skimmed through your chapters before backing you, but I've now had a chance to do a more in-depth read.

Every sentence accomplishes one of what has been called The Big Three. They either define or flesh out a character, advance the plot, or create some atmosphere. This is a great read.

Rodney

How clever. Very graping and imaginative. I love your style and the easy way to communicate with reader. Much talent seen in this literary fiction of the occult.

backed
THE THIRD EYE

Good luck. This is a link to a thread on the forum explaining how the site works: http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/posts_new.aspx?threadId=57319

Charles

OCCULTUS
This is an interesting story. It’s not easy to take a bad guy and make him a story’s hero but you have pulled it off here. You have likable characters in both Nate and Serena even tho Nate is a demon; they make a good contrast to each other. Makes a reader want to follow them and see how this all plays out. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Dear Ray, I love your idea of the amulet for an incentive for Nathaniel, plus his 2 charges that's he's taken under his wing :) - great write! :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

Could you possibly start with an incident? Perhaps Raymond being seen doing something demon-like and the witnesses simply denying the evidence of their own eyes. THEN go into the "You won't believe me but..."
It may make for a catchier start and would lend credence to his claims. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Welcome aboard, Ray. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. The long pitch? Have you considered ending it with a question to compel the casual reader to turn pages? Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Hi Ray, another nice Demon Story. This one starts very well holding the reader to it. You have some great characters and your decription is first class. I look forward to seeing your Book Cover which will put the Icing on the cake.
I back your book.SHELVED.

Regard's,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest) would be pleased if you could take a look.