FOUR BETTER FOUR WORSE

Jennifer,
I have read through autho 5. I must say that I am not sure why this is not doing better. It is coming across so far as a good specimen of crime-chic-lit. It is true that there are too many characters right at the beginning, and I might suggest perhaps waiting on the movie star and maye even Jude and Mrs Sheppard until you get the story of Dr. McAllister sorted away. However, the first chapter has a very good, strong hook with a bit of humour. I liked the talking poop. The writing is very good and the descriptions are effective. The characters are painted with good, bold strokes. Again, I think you just need to let me focus on a main character for a while before you introduce so many more. This may just be a mater of sorting chapters differently.
If you decide to to this, please drop me a line and I will read again. I think this has great potential.
Saw a typo on Autho 2 "matters that had had been murky"
Best of luck with it,
Maeve

Great cover. There's a lot of characters to follow but overall it's interesting and easy to follow, thanks to chapter breaks. Good job!

Hi Jennifer,

An interesting read which flows pretty well.
I have a couple of reservations though. Maybe, being a mere male, I found it difficult to hold all these characters in mind over the eight chapters and I wondered if some of them could be held back until later. Eg Carla. And does Case, waiting at the hospital, take us further forward? For some readers I think you would want to get through to the party much more quickly.

The other thing is the use of italics. I may be old fashioned here but I was always told that there should be no need for bold characters, italics, multiple exclamation marks etc; and that the urgency in the situation or thought should be drawn out through the text. There are a lot of them in Chapter Five. Eg: 'Now that was more the Daniels...' How about 'Now that was far more like the Daniels...'

Just a thought, but try going through Chapter Five and taking them all out. Does the text lose anything important?

I have it on my watch list. Good luck with it!

Tony

Hi Jennifer,

An interesting read which flows pretty well.
I have a couple of reservations though. Maybe, being a mere male, I found it difficult to hold all these characters in mind over the eight chapters and I wondered if some of them could be held back until later. Eg Carla. And does Case, waiting at the hospital, take us further forward? For some readers I think you would want to get through to the party much more quickly.

The other thing is the use of italics. I may be old fashioned here but I was always told that there should be no need for bold characters, italics, multiple exclamation marks etc; and that the urgency in the situation or thought should be drawn out through the text. There are a lot of them in Chapter Five. Eg: 'Now that was more the Daniels...' How about 'Now that was far more like the Daniels...'

Just a thought, but try going through Chapter Five and taking them all out. Does the text lose anything important?

I have it on my watch list. Good luck with it!

Tony

There's a lot going on in this novel, nominally chicklit but with a clever crime theme running through it, which raises suspicions about little clues. For example in chapter 5, is there a good reason Laine's car wouldn't start?

The opening is well done, although we don't yet know who Josi is. In the following chapters we meet the eight protagonists and numerous others, all well-depicted.

The author is unusually adept at getting inside the heads of men making them sound real instead of like so many romance authors who make their male characters sound like women in men's clothing.

Eight chapters are only a teaser, but we're left intrigued. Definitely backed!

Well, this is interesting - a romance thriller that almost reads like chick-lit! And I say that only in the most positive sense since the bright, breezy 'voice' of your MC is so wonderfully 'catty'. I had a cat book up here last year with the word 'poo' on the first page, but then you went and topped it with 'the cat's poop is talking' LOL! As for your characters, they are a finely drawn and love-hateable lot, each with their own agenda and all on a collision course with inevitable disaster. I didn't like Laine at first, she seems such a frivolous self-serving bitch, but when Rudolf 'boorishly' ground his crotch into her and she absentmindedly wondered if the mustard in the door would stain her top, she suddenly began to grow on me, lol!

Why are you only on one shelf, Jennifer? Your book deserves far more attention! I'm giving you 6 stars for now, and hope to shelve you after your next edit (those typos mentioned by others are a little distracting).

Good luck!

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

Hi Jennifer, well, I loved this. It's without doubt one of my favourite reads so far on the site. It read like a published novel (except for a few little typos but then we all have those), slickly written, pacy, great characters, authentic dialogue. I couldn't fault it really. When it gets published I'll definitely buy a copy. Loved the description of Carla, the humour (why does this woman always speak in capital letters) , all of it really. Excellent. Very highly starred and on my bookshelf next week. I do a reshuffle every Thursday and unfortunately I've already done this week's otherwise it would be there now. Oh, and typos I noticed 'joie de vie' should be 'joie de vivre'; theglass wall - missing a space, '...lift home!He...' needs a space too. Tiny things I know and they don't in any way spoil my enjoyment of the story but thought I'd point them out as they are so difficult to spot yourself.

Best wishes
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Dear Jennifer

I have just read the first three chapters of "Four Better Four Worse". Your writing is so competent and vivid that it was easy to get involved with your story, compelling to read. Your plot unwinds slowly, enticingly, with glimpses everywhere of the trouble to come. The characters are believable and easy to get involved with. The pacing is good, with no hurry, but lots of tension in the background. A great read.

Fran Macilvey

Good title and cover.

I like the circumstances of the first chapter, how Josi is dealing with everyday events and stresses to be brought to her knees by a glimpse of a newspaper article. I don't know how big a suburb tends to be but the murders have hit the headlines so the commotion of their discovery has already occurred and such commotion tends to gain attention and spread gossip so if Josi lives in the same area I wondered why wasn't she already alerted to a problem in the area and seeking out knowledge of Laine.

I don't know what the EQ references.

I think you have some strong opening chapters, the drama of the discovery in the first chapter and then the introduction and weaving in of the main characters. The scene is building and intrigue is created.

Thank you - fixed both things - right and right.

Your first chapter is very compelling. I could see the action play out, feel the dread of Josi as she glanced at the newspapers on her way to the meeting. Strong stuff. I have put you on my WL and will stick you on my shelf as soon as I rotate next. I'm definitely intrigued. 5 stars so far from me.

Two things niggled however,
1. Not sure about the reference to her brand of shoe. Having read many manuscripts here in Authonomy I am becoming saturated by clothing brand names conveying the status of the character... Your writing is too good for cliche.
2. Does newsvendor need to be two words? Maybe not, just looks a bit strange to me.

Otherwise, I was totally yours.

Lou

Hi Jennifer, thanks so much for taking to time to comment on La Vie en Rosé. I'm very grateful and of course, if you could find a space for it on your bookshelf as you mentioned I'd probably mention you in my will!! Din't get too excited though, I'm not worth much. Your book sounds really intriguing and I shall put it on my watchlist for a read as soon as I can.

Thanks again
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Your first chapter is very compelling. I could see the action play out, feel the dread of Josi as she glanced at the newspapers on her way to the meeting. Strong stuff. I have put you on my WL and will stick you on my shelf as soon as I rotate next. I'm definitely intrigued. 5 stars so far from me.

Two things niggled however,
1. Not sure about the reference to her brand of shoe. Having read many manuscripts here in Authonomy I am becoming saturated by clothing brand names conveying the status of the character... Your writing is too good for cliche.
2. Does newsvendor need to be two words? Maybe not, just looks a bit strange to me.

Otherwise, I was totally yours.

Lou

Well, well, what a punchy hook start and it's followed by even more intriguing action and dialogue. I thought this was absolutely gripping, the characters outlined in a few succint phrases, even down to the Sister in charge who comforts Case when he is appalled at the child's injuries. LA itself comes through loud and clear, even to the road works. The narrative voice is strong and the changes in point of view expertly managed. Backed with great ease Jaye

Hello Jennifer,

Excellent pitch. Your writing is taut and professional. An interesting beginning, letting the reader know the terrible fate of the characters.

Some lovely lines too . . . 'the cat's poop is talking. Six kittens later . . . Terrific and to the point.

I'm going to have to shelve this.

Good luck, Joanna

Hi Jennifer,
I came into Four Better Four worse with some expections because I love L.A., and I also hold a dark enjoyment of stories of the dysfunctions of urban life. I have not been disapppointed as I flew through the first three chapters without pausing for breath. Your narrative is descriptive, and I think the strength of the story is in your very authentic dialogue. If more were uploaded here -- or if I found this book in ebook form -- I would definitely read on.

Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

Hello Jennifer, You're off and running in this racy tragicomedy of suburban excess and delusion. The characterizations are remarkable, the action flawless, and the shifting POVs expertly managed. Only three chapters posted, though . . . How can I be sure you'll maintain this excited pace? Nevertheless, I'll back "Four Better Four Worse" tonight, trusting my instinct. If this is a page turner for me, it must be a word spinner for you. I hope my confidence will prompt you to keep pushing it out.

My novel, "The Doctor of Summitville," took years to write. I never stop editing. But it's complete and awaits your attention--please. It's a realistic love story told against a background of country medicine during the Great Depression. I hope you love it. Best wishes and a Merry Christmas, Bill

Usually novels are telling to the reader, but rare novels are projecting characters through good impressions. For it, a writer should have high quality talents. Your novel proves that you have it.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Found this by chance, glad that I did. Excellent pace and dialogue which propels the story along. You flesh out your MC's well and the the first chapter is pitched well to capture the reader. Starred and on my W/L. Good luckwith this.
Babs

You've completely got me. This is great. I started out reading it with a reviewers eye but forgot all that as the story and the characters got their claws in me. The first scene is gripping, then Mrs Sheppard is fabulous and I love the woman in the gym (made me smile). It's also got that tense thriller feel which, combined with your sharp turn of phrase, makes the start of this book a winner. More than happy to back with a high star rating.
(one negative - not in love with the title. It almost put me off reading the book)

i am rebacking this book under the new system. enjoy your journey...
j

Hi Jennifer, I didn't read about Carla before and was drawn on because of the lively portrait of her. Loved the way she meets Case and the conversation about selling the T-bird. It's good on detail, maybe a few too many at first, but I could tell there was going to be some great action coming. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Dear Nenno.
I visit this site every so often to read my messages, I took a look at your work and-:

Too many words, well written in most places except for the passive structure.

Good morningCOMMAMrsPERIODSmithCOMMA.

Sentence structure is sometimes awry.

There are parts where you could show instead of telling, fire the readers imagination.

Now the bubble-burst.
This story will never be published through this site unless you are interested in self-publishing or print-on-demand.

Athonomy is a self-publishing book-site, if you don't believe me, wait until you get to the editors desk.
Not one book from this site has been accepted by a reputable publisher.

This is not because of your writing skills (nobodys perfect) or the genre, this is an arse-kissing-I want to be published site.

The majoraty of the people on this site can't write for toffee. They want their book published, so they will kiss-ass to do so.

So, stop wasting your time and go to www.scribophile.com

No, its not a publishing site, its a place where beginner authors critique one anothers books. There are no prizes, no offers of a publishing contract, only kind well-meaning people.

All stories - plots - have been written, so don't try to be original, just write.

Use strong verbs, don't try to be cute, publishers are looking for the story with a "voice".

An exellent place to go for information is -: www.edittorrent/blogspot.com

Loads of free advice and info.

Best of luck.

Yes, you did pass the fifteen line test.

Rebecca.

Jennifer. I like the way you tell the beginning of the get-together with the neighbours and particularly how you describe Laine and the way she appeals to husband Case who obviously adores her. Laine's grounded enough when nasty neighbour tries it on. Case is the excellent surgeon.
Where do we go from here? I'd like to read the next piece when you load it. For now, I'll back it and wish you luck with the rest of it.
Backed,
Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

Only going to read one chapter, really all I had time for. Read them all. A few little punctuation mistakes are all I can find fault with. Wow. Backed.

Only going to read one chapter, really all I had time for. Read them all. A few little punctuation mistakes are all I can find fault with. Wow. Backed.

Added Four Better Four Worse to our watchlist. Your short pitch caught our attention. Will read and comment on later.
CC Brown
Dark Side

I only had to read the first three paragraphs to decide to back this! This is talented writing..this should be on the Editor's desk without doubt..

Nice dialogue, nice imagery, good character development and more importantly all three propel the story along. Nice. Backed

I enjoyed reading your first chapter; the plot and characters developed naturally, with gradual details allowing us to build a picture - nicely done. Your interesting way with words makes this an easy read and the descriptions come to life. Only a few niggly bits e.g. double question marks, and the few things that have already been mentioned to take care of, but this is a very good book. Backed!

Hi, Jennifer,
Four Better Four Worse is smoothly written, taking us into the scene and the emotion.
Backed.
Gloria
Finnegan's Quest

FOUR BETTER FOUR WORSE.
A sensual story, smartly told. Backed.
TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

"The cat's poop is talking", how clever. Polished, well written, and good story! Backing.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

The story is gripping, the writing style original and crisp. I like it. The characters are totally real and believable as is the dialogue. Backed.

Masterful and energetic writing with instant conflict. I was quickly hooked.

Wishing you the success your writing deserves.

J A Humm
(The Retreat)

You have created a compelling work here. A nice pace and easy, natural flow, shows what a talented writer you are. Backed . Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Great start with a great pace and likable main character. I like the way you handled the flash forward technique. This was an easy read :)

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

I liked the way you used Josi Rollings , her designer heels and her shock at reading the newspaper headline as an opening. The backstory is unfolding nicely, the characters well drawn and the reader is wondering why there has been a shooting in The Brea and who was involved. Wel done K.J.Rabane - According to Olwen

Thr eynopsis sounds routine, yet one can't disagree with it and it is, at least, not giving itself a hernis by trying too hard. The title I hate. I was not optimistic when I read that title. Having said that your writing style is nimble and intelligent. I visited LA once and thought it a monster of a place. Your harping on the road works instantly plugs you into the city-dwellers sense of personal grievance whereever in the world their city is. Yeak, you should see the road works in Milan, awful! We know that frustration. The cat poo talking I thought was from your average American film. But I really liked 'but they were LA yards'. So even in just a few graphs I sense that you are witty and intelligent. Let me read on a little ... ...EQUINE HAMLET ... To neigh, or not to neigh, that is the equestion ... Sorry! I can feel her mind absorbing the shock of the headline. But I wonder if using the news vendor is a bit hammy. But, maybe that is how it happens sometimes, so why not? What I found a little more problematic was the sudden shift to 14 weeks and 4 days before. Josi is already in a mad rush and has had a shock. Is it becoming a little too frentic to then shift time? I see there are more * * * * * shifts lower, too, but that you then settle down. I wonder if the start is too busy. Having said that I do like the opening graph and the LA yards/heels/so...

Jennifer,

A very good read, I must confess. The opening is brilliant and romatically gripping, even the way you described how Jose came across the news stand at the begining is good too. Use of words and sentences are very solid and excellent. Very natural unfolding characters, plotted in a dramatic sequence to make the tale more showing than telling. A great thriller indeed, but needs re-read, proof reading and editing. With these you are due for a sell out. Backed last night based on your great pitch. Goodluck.

Elijah E. Yamslaw (Victims of African Wealth)

Ah, the lure of something better just on the other side of...whatever. I enjoy the pacing, and with a solid editor to proof your work, it will read very naturally, I expect.
Best of luck with your book. BACKED.
Peace,
Christian Piatt
PULLING THE GOALIE

HI Jennifer ...

This is a fast paced thriller with a good plot and strong characters The interaction between Laine and Case is good and believable. Dialogue is for the most part strong but could do with some tidying in places. I read dialogue aloud, for what looks good on paper does not always sound right when spoken. Would like to read more to see where this is going.

I do have a few suggestions. In chapter 1, the sentence that starts: 'He saw the peak of their homested ...' You have written: 'The first time they saw the ranch'. and a couple of lines later: '...when first they saw it'. I would cut this line as it repeats what is said earlier.

The sentence that starts: 'Case was always aware of his wife ...' I am sorry but this paragraph makes no sense at all, it is a little confusing.

The ellipsis is: 'word ... word' with a space before and after. At the end of dialogue it is: 'word ...' with a space before only. The ellipsis should never be used with other punctuation: 'word ...?' 'Word ...!' If you use it to show hesitancy at the beginning of dialogue it should be: '... word' If you hold down 'Alt Gr' and The full stop (period) key at the same time you get a perfect ellipsis.

FinallyThe use of :'??' or '!!' is frowned upon and agents will not get past your first. There are some who say that the exclamation mark or point is not necessary as the tone of the voice in dialogue should be shown by the words used.

I now apologise for my pickiness. 'Backed'. Regards ... Duncan.

Jennifer, your opening chapter reads well. Another revision should make it golden.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Jennifer, Great premise, clear writing, perhaps a little face paced for me (does not mean it's a bad pace). Great descriptions. You bring the settings to life. I especially liked the very first part where the woman sees the headlines--that was most effective. Best of luck.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Skilful, descriptive and fast paced. Holds the readers attention admirably. Be interesting to see where it leads. Backed

Angus Shoor Caan

The first chapter was wonderful. The transition to past events was smooth. I was absorbed in the story. At the end of the third chapter, I have no indication of what is to happen. Well done.

Great thriller, I read only the first chapter, but it is very promising. The prologue is horrific, the McAllisters come to life right away, and the sinister one is watching, appraising, something bad is going to happen...good work, and I am happy to back it!

well written. Good dialogue.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Great writing, Jennifer. Happy to back.
Vall
Midwyf

The image of the football player and the ball is very effective. I like the way you change the pace as you introduce your various characters and settings. Great style and energy in your writing...well done!
Stewart

Definitely not my kind of reading Jennifer. I skipped through some of the chapters and found you have written a great piece here. I dare not say more than that as I did not go deep enough into the story. I wish you Good Luck with this book and I back it because even though I do not read this kind of thing, it is good.
Norman. (Fromante)