The Magic Bed

You have a light touch well suited to the age group. Stars
Lara
Good for Him

"You mother is away for the weekend..." Should have been Your mother....
You are also missing some punctuation.
But I like your story and backed you. Please go back and proof read.
Dave

I like this story. Its easy to read and will appeal to alot of younger kids. I would like to offer some constructiove critisism, just a few suggestions, if you want to catch the eye of an agent, your opening paragraph should have some type of action to draw the reader in. Maybe have the kids scrambling to get a look at the beautiful rainbow through the same window.
Any physical discription of characters should be gradually worked in as the chapter progresses. As you introduce a character, you also describe them. Try to work the description in as some type of action after a piece of Dialogue. Also, some of the dialogue is a bit stinded and stiff, unnatural. Here is an example and suggestion for change.

A way to bring in description without spelling it out planely.

As the family climbed out of the car, Jess's long curly ginger hair bounced with excitement and she fidgited waiting for her little brother to get out of the car. When he stepped next to her, barely reaching her shoulder, she ruffled his black hair. "Ready to see Grandad?" she asked.

A suggestion for smoother dialogue.

"Hi Dad." Nathan held his bags in one hand and stretched an arm around his father's shoulders.
"I'm so glad your finally here, your mother is away for the weekend and I'm bored stiff." He said, turning to hug Sara.
He turned and knelt down with his hands on his knees. "And how are my two favorite grandchildren?
The kids both smiled and lurched forward to hug their Grandad. "How can we be your favorite grandchildren if we are your only granchildren? Andy asked.
Again, Andy got his hair ruffled as his grandad smiled sheepishly at his question. "Would anyone like a cup of tea?"

Just a few suggestions to make the book read smoothly. I spent months going through my book in the year after I finished it polishing the dialogue and description. While I still find spots every now and then than need tweaking, its a much smoother read for my efforts. It really makes the reading easier and has better flow.

Thanks,
Robin Leonard
The Heritage Series, Bloodline

The Magic Bed is an imaginative and adventuresome tale which is sure to delight young readers. Backed with pleasure.

Thanks everyone for the backings.

Neil - love your book The Magic Bed and have backed it without hesitation. Please take a look at Freckles the Fawn and leave some feedback if you have the time. Very best wishes Balepy (Valerie)

This is a great concept for kids. A rollicking ride for the young and young at heart. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

A wonderful children's story. Very imaginative and I love the names of people and places. I can imagine this being read to children at bed time and them demanding more. Backed with pleasure. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Although the narrative is somewhat simple (which is good for children) and in need of a little work, I still found myself becoming involved in the story. Anything that draws you in must be a little magical.
Cheers, B. Cameron Lee (Diary of a Serial Killer)

Dear Neil,
What an adventurous story you've created, filled with all sorts of interesting characters. Your magic bed is kind of like a magic carpet- so exciting! This book will appeal to children of all ages.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Children quickly absorb this sort of narative which compels them through familiar situations (visit to grandpas house) while promissing an adventure. Guts for garters had an authentic feel for a grandparent and helped give life to the character.
Backed

Having grandchildren of my own who live a three hour journey away, I liked the feeling of excitement that is produced in the first chapter due to a proposed visit to their grandparents. The hook at the end of ch 1 is bound to have children squeeling for 'just one more chapter' when being read this bedtime story.
Only one thing jarred for me and that was the repitition of 'The James Family' - perhaps other words could be used here -maybe - they all arrived or 'everyone' got out of the car. etc.
Backed K.j.

Hi Neil, this is a very enjoyable story -- one children will adore and a real change from the usual. I'd edit the work now and try to eliminate words which you don't need. This will tighten it all up.
Here's a few examples and other thoughts to help you.
Please feel free to ignore, if you wish, of course.

over the high hills (of the country) -- saves you repeating the word 'country'
four feet tall - do kids still use feet and inches?
Kids will ask, 'what kind of car is it?' -- you may as well tell them, rather than say 'medium sized, blue car.
repetition of Grandparents ('them' will do in the second instance. para 2)
repetition of knocker, knock, knocked in para 5
I liked the way the kids ran upstairs to the toy box
Bileous Pete and Swiggly Pep -- brilliant
Backed with pleasure,
best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

A mysterious tapping from a locked room - inside, a dragon wardrobe and a dragon bed - what children wouldn't be boggle-eyed at it all. Throw in names like Swiggly Pepp and Billeus Pete, and the mixture is irresistible. Swiggly even leaves directions, 'The Nik Nak Forest is always a good place to start'.

And so it proves: the bed lands them amongst multi-coloured roses, and from there they go to a forest of multi-coloured bark. This is odd, but multi-coloured footprints are even odder. And two men who share one head between them are positively bizarre. From then on, the escapades grow ever weirder and more wonderful, and the three travellers even pick up Captain Nitwit as a companion...

Young children will delight in this crazy, colourful, sparkling and fun adventure ... backed.

Possible nits: 'A long five hour journey ... after five long hours'. 'shinny [shiny] golden handle'. 'when you're [your] grandmother'. 'once they had past [passed] the sign'. 'The trees swade [swayed]'. 'They all wondered [wandered] on'.

Just a word of advice on editing your chapters on authonomy, in case you haven't already: use UPDATE to load the edited chapters. Don't use DELETE and then reload as this can cause problems.

"Fine thank you Grandad." Jess said. Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem. Also, comma after 'Grandad.' When dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag (Jess said), the last sentence of dialogue is punctauted with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem. Other than these punctaution issues, this is an engaging story with fascinating characters. Wonderful imagery. Effective dialogue. Spot on storytelling. A pleasure to read. Backed.

Dear Neil K Spencer,

Take me with you on that enchanting trip onboard The Magic Bed.

Backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Dear Neil

Great concept, so well crafted.... What a good book. I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now done. I have already commented and backed it a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

Really charming. I enjoyed it very much.

Hi Neil. What an enchanting tale. The family are really great and their Grandad is really adorable. The letter they found was intriguing and a great way to end the first chapter. I'm sure kids will love this. Backed and best of luck! Maria (Cosmic Linx)

First let me apologies, I backed your book after an initial read and have only just got round to commenting (been editing).

What impressed me to start with was how it wasn’t written down to its potential audience, it felt natural and congruent, not slightly demeaning like some I have read. And that was the reason for my initial backing. Now I have read more, the more impressed I am. You have developed great character in a very, very good storyline.
Have read up to the buffet (what an imagination) and only time stopped me finishing this. – Great story. – Good luck!

I think everyone below has said what I would have said about this great book.
Good luck and has been backed with pleasure.
Dawn,
My Friends and Me / Sammy and the Wise Willow

Hi Neil, This has good pace and sets a pretty normal scene until Swiggly Pepp is mentioned. The grandfather’s dialogue is good and the beans on toast was funny too. The outset might bring children in more if Jess and Andy were more prominent. I wanted the envelope to be more hidden from the Grandfather – maybe Andy poking around for it. The bed was extraordinary! Good writing structures for the age level. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I was eager to read this as it is geared for the same age group as my book. I liked your pitch, a magical bed is something that any kid could relate to and will get excited over. You write smoothly, with confident words and in a manner that will not confuse but appeal to the young ones. The pacing is good and the adventure on the magical bed begins quickly. Grandad provides good support and humor. Kids will like that a grown up is in the same fantasy as kids and that he is as confused and intrigued by the mystery as the kids.
Backed earlier and I really enjoyed it. I will recommend this to my 6 year old and have him read too.
Rakhi (Sir William, An Urbane Knight)

15 July 2010
The Magic Bed is the ideal fantasy tale for children either to read or to have read in segments. It does not patronise or treat the reader as an lobotomised individual. The characters are developed to become credible players in an eclectic mixture of locales and scenarios. The pace is regulated and fits the action, dialogue is realistic and the author has no problem in causing the suspension of belief for the duration of the novel. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

hi there, jolly good book. The kids will love it. Backed. Please cast your eye over 'the compulsive adventurer'
Thanks. Mike

Tried your book out with some children, they loved it and wanted to hear more. They liked the characters names and the idea of the magical bed.
Plagarma

Hi Neil
You have a great plot here for the age group and the story develops well. A great imagination. I do think the beginning was a little slow in getting to the action and you could probably drop in the information about the characters as the story develops rather than right at the start. Just an idea though. I look forward to seeing a great cover for this book.
Best of luck with it.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Hi Neil,

Young adult will lov ethis. Well done!

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
The Mental Pause

Very, very, cool. Looking forward to diving more into your journey.

jim

Had to laugh at Nathan's friend getting married for the third time. A wardrobe with an engraving of a dragon and a gold bed in the shape of one - children will go mad for this. Such gorgeous names, too - Swiggly Pep and my favourite, Billeus Pete. There's something Dickensian about this.
There's a grittiness - Christmas arguments and skin on top of the baked beans - but it's also charming. Grandad is. I want to live in his cottage. Backed. Lynn

Oh I used to read books like these as a child and loved every second of them! I'm sure my imagination came to light during these times! I think you are wonderful and this story will enchant children and adults alike.

Bravo!

Backed.

Kind regards,

Jodi.
x-Evalesco-x

Your use of imagery and crisp, realistic dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing well. Your excellent storyline coupled with your imaginative writing ensures that your fantasy will have a broad appeal with the children's audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

hi nial .THE MAGIC BED.

this book will be a magical adventure for children, it has all the premise of a good read in that genre'
enjoying it myself , the suspense, the tapping coming from behind the spare room, nicely paced and very readable.
backed
TOM BYE 'FROM HUGS TO KISSES'
read mine if you have time back/ comment thanks

This is a really enjoyable read and something children will love. Best of luck with it. Backed. My second book is also a story - or several stories - for children.

Rosemary (Ziggy Chalan)
RIDING HIGH and A PRICKLY PROBLEM

Great book for children, descrptive and imaginative. You write well.

backed

The third eye

enjoyable read a litle editing and this is on its way.

Backed

Scorselo

Welcome aboard, Neil. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. For this children's genre, both pitches work. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Thanks again guys for all of your input. I will check out all of your books.

Absolutely charming, I can just see it illustrated and on the shelf! Good luck with this, Maggie P.

A charming story with the wonderful start of a trip to Grandma's house. Many good yarns start that way! You do have some punctuation problems, often related to dialogue. If this is not your forte, have someone help with this. Otherwise, your voice seems perfectly suited for children and the story has all the ingredients to attract and keep a reader. Well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

I read a later chapter about Jack Frost. I like how the familiar characters and story assumed a grittiness and sense of real (Some proofreading needed--aloud, not allowed). Backed
Tom Kepler
The Stone Dragon
(I'm back from two weeks of vacation. Hope you get a chance to look at my book.)

Love children, love fantasy, love adventure. :-) Nice read! Backed.

jim
jack & charmian london

Dear Neil
I just loved this book. So captivating, and original. I remember when I was a child and my bed was magic, ha. good storyline, well crafted and your characters I want to stay with me , become permanent house guests. This is a childrens book I will buy once it gets in the stores. CONGRATS on a really good book here Neil. This cannot be your first?. I cannot see the book cover but I am really looking forward to it.

I cant believe I read the whole thing!! Extremely compelling and a wonderfully imaginative book! Backed with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

thanks for your feedback Jenny I will sort that out.

Neil
Once in a while I like to read a story meant for a younger generation. I found yours to be quite charming. In a gentle and freewheeling fashion, you draw the reader along on a fantastic journey. Your writing is witty and fast paced with a wonderful storyline that is unpredictable and adventurous. I think your book is just right for the young reader.
I really don't look for flaws in anyone's work but made one small observation in the first sentence -
If you say “5 pm,” you don’t need the word “afternoon”
Best to you
jennifer

Good luck. This is a link to a thread on the forum explaining how the site works: http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/posts_new.aspx?threadId=57319

Charles

THis is good, but your short pitch needs to be more specifivc - half the books on this site are magical.
I would getb straight in with an abandoned bed - that can fly you to new worlds -
then in the longer pitvch use eg.s of specific characters - and this follows thru to the opening -- be specific
hope that helps
simon
charlie marconi

Very cool in the best traditions of Narnia, bedknobs and broomsticks, Wizard of Oz and Where the wild things are. Backed.

cheer guys for all the great comments I will read and back all your books in due course. Its a shame you can only back 5 books at a time. take care guys