Ragnarok, War in Heaven

You have exactly the right pitch of language for a solid sci-fi narrative and I think this is something that modern writer's in the genre have tried (unsuccessfully in my opinion) to alter with a form of post modern sci-fi, if such a thing is possible. In your writing I detect a lover of reading the genre and a purist who knows exactly how to curve it at the edges. Excellently written but be the short version of all that.

I do like the point : "Just because they were low-tech didn't mean that they weren't also deadly"- most people ignore that, even in our modern day military incursions (I'm thinking IEDs but this could also include manure bombs and the like).

Also, although the weaponry you highlight is futuristic at heart I like the fact that it almost seems pheasible; as if it were merely an extension of what we already have today.

This is a winner in my mind and I look forward to seeing it in print.

Good luck with it. BACKED

Overall this is great fun. I was disappointed when I got to the end of chapter 18, when the doodoo is hitting the mechanical air circulator good and proper and realised there were no more chapters. Boo Hoo. A good premise, some good characters, if lightly drawn, not overly cliched but staying well in bounds of the mainstream, but with a nice twist or two. The writing is well suited to action, sparse and muscular, with little to criticise and lots to like. The war stuff is well conveyed, with nicely paced action and believable tech; the space stuff is not overly sketchy or over-explained, so is difficult to take issue with; the physics stuff could perhaps be worked over to make it less accessible to criticism, as too many people take the science in sci-fi too literally and seem to expect that it should all work. Good luck with this, it certainly seems to have potential, but it's hard to say just how much as you curtail the story just as you reach the nitty gritty.

Thank you. KA.

Ragnorok War in Heaven
Fiction - Sci-fi 3rd person

A fantastic premise of catastrophic loss and colliding realities.

Fast paced is an understatement. The action is ripping with a battle right from word one on through Chapter 2 and there's never a moment to figure out what is even going on! It certainly has appeal for anyone who wants a "Top Gun" style book.

The pacing is IMO, too fast, at least for me. I have to keep going back and re-reading parts to make sure I got it. And then I think, wait, I didn't get it.

I'm not sure where this is happening, not sure who is fighting and not sure why.

But the details and the action is still compelling and I want to know, so I keep reading. So ... Does it need adjustment? Or is this the effect the author wants?

IMO, if the reader is pulled out of the story to look for clarification, then something needs work. Though repetition it usually a problem, I think it might be something to consider. Either that or slow things down around the central aspect so the reader can digest and understand and focus on that. Otherwise, it just comes out as pointless action.

I couldn't get a clear connection to the MC. I think it might be because of the lack of focus on the MC's state of mind/emotions. Maybe that is intentional, so this is just an observation.

Mechanics... excellent. In fact, this is very professional.

Overall, I think this could be a smashing success! It has the intensity and excitement that YA men will really enjoy. I can see my 17 yr old son eating it up. So, for the target readership, you've probaby hit a home run.

Raechel
Echo

You have a great pitch and although I dont tend to read sci fi it reeled me in.
Your story is unusual and I was interested from the very beginning. It would be great as a movie.
Your writing is pleasant and easy to read, and it has style. There are no obvious signs of edits and its clear to anyone that you have spent some time making sure of this.
I thought your first chapter could do with a little more zumph though ( is zumph a word?). But do you get what I'm saying? You need to get the readers attention just a little bit more rather than relying on the pitch. However this is just my opinion - dont think for a moment I know what a publisher wants to read, its just my own personal opinion.
Anyhow overall by reading the first two chapters I give the book 6 stars. By the way - great title!
Junetee (Four Corners)

- Ragnarok -

(Chapters 1-3)

I'm generally not a reader of sci fi so it's always a pleasant surprise to find myself enjoying one in the genre, and that I did with Ragnarok. This was largely because the story is so action-packed from the get-go that everything flies along at pace. The battle scenes are exciting and well crafted and the amount of detail and imagination in the description of this world is very impressive. I would have liked a touch more time spent on character development but then that may be a bias as someone who reads largely character-based literary fiction.

I've made a few editorial notes on each chapter which I hope will be of use.

Chapter one

- Both 'that' and 'also' could be removed from the following to make the sentence run more smoothly: 'didn't mean that they also weren't deadly hangars'

-If a sentence continues after speech, the word after speech should not be capitalised unless it's a name, e.g., 'one' and 'yelled' should not be capitalised after 'Sid?' and "Incoming!'.

-Terms of address should be capitalised in speech, e.g. , 'sir' in 'What's you objective here, sir?'


Chapter two

-The adjective 'impossible looking' doesn't run well here. It could be replaced with something like 'seemingly impossible'.

Chapter three (typos)

- the threat black bulk (what is meant by 'threat'?)

-was block of tungsten carbide (a block).


These are only very minor nitpicks in what is a fast-paced, riveting story I am sure will appeal to sci-fi readers.

All the best with it,

Ross

Hi Phil

This is very very good. I can't quite put my finger on what it is I like about it - perhaps just because it's a lot like something I would write. The scene is painted very well, even though you describe little directly. There are a few things, mostly awkward sentences that can easily be fixed with an edit, but otherwise not a lot wrong with it. I'll list what I did note down:

It starts off with 'Nathan Vanisir was' - try to keep iterations of things like 'was' to a minimum. That is the main thing I'm trying to fix in my own edit at the moment. 'Nathan Vanisir crouched behind', perhaps.

' Bullet-riddled' would probably read better than 'bullet holed'.

Three times you say 'the barrier he was using for cover' - that he's using it for cover is established in the first sentence, you don't need to repeat it. Try just 'in front of Nathan's barrier'.

If the weapon knocks people back, and the two thugs were dragging Sid, why did they land on top of him?

There's a lot of telling, particularly in the first half of the chapter, rather than showing. Showing us his thoughts would be particularly helpful. Something like 'Huh...I'm still alive' rather than 'he was surprised to still be alive'.

He looks around and realised that its bigger and possibly worse than he thought. But then when the commander TELLS him it's worse, he seems to doubt it.

Finally, the commander is very forthcoming about all that information. Perhaps you could have him as an old friend, or training officer or something to make it a little more believable that he would give so much information to a lowly police officer.

All fairly small, unimportant stuff, but hopefully it gives you an idea of what to look out for in the next edit. I'm looking forward to reading more, as it looks very good. As soon as I have a space on my shelf, I will back this. I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, mine too. Thanks :)

Ragnorok War in Heaven
Fiction - Sci-fi 3rd person

A fantastic premise of catastrophic loss and colliding realities.

Fast paced is an understatement. The action is ripping with a battle right from word one on through Chapter 2 and there's never a moment to figure out what is even going on! It certainly has appeal for anyone who wants a "Top Gun" style book.

The pacing is IMO, too fast, at least for me. I have to keep going back and re-reading parts to make sure I got it. And then I think, wait, I didn't get it.

I'm not sure where this is happening, not sure who is fighting and not sure why.

But the details and the action is still compelling and I want to know, so I keep reading. So ... Does it need adjustment? Or is this the effect the author wants?

IMO, if the reader is pulled out of the story to look for clarification, then something needs work. Though repetition it usually a problem, I think it might be something to consider. Either that or slow things down around the central aspect so the reader can digest and understand and focus on that. Otherwise, it just comes out as pointless action.

I couldn't get a clear connection to the MC. I think it might be because of the lack of focus on the MC's state of mind/emotions. Maybe that is intentional, so this is just an observation.

Mechanics... excellent. In fact, this is very professional.

Overall, I think this could be a smashing success! It has the intensity and excitement that YA men will really enjoy. I can see my 17 yr old son eating it up. So, for the target readership, you've probaby hit a home run.

Raechel
Echo

A very fast-moving start, scarcely allowing the reader to draw a breath until the last part of Ch 2. Then some most intriguing developments in Chapter 7. You have the foundations of a great story.
For me, there is too much blinding action too early. I think if it had been a film, the whole first 3 chapters might have been over in less than ten minutes. Now this is only my opinion, so take as much or as little notice of it as you choose. I think you need to allow an earlier breathing space, maybe at the beginning of Ch 2, and also give enough extra so we begin to know Nathan a little more. For instance, instead of him straightaway watching the battle, you could have him with the other wounded, tucked away, and complaining that he could not see what was happening. Also, Nathan had quite severe injuries, which seem to have been forgotten, until in just a short time, Ch 6, he is volunteering to go on a search mission at their landing place. (I may have missed the medic's very quick cure, but if I did, other readers would too.)
There were also so many characters to try and keep up with, AJ, Daniel, at least three others. It's easy to get confused when a lot of characters are introduced quickly, and that in the middle of a battle.
Aside from these factors, the work is professionally written, with very few typos.
This could be very good indeed. I can see it as a film, as well as a book. To be backed, Marj.

RAGNORAK, WAR IN HEAVEN
Good title and splendid pitch - it certainly got my attention. Nerve tingling!
As Kevin say before me you certainly do have a vivid imagination.

Yes this is good stuff, it's fast paced and quite dramatic. You grab and hold the readers attention with ease.

Three chapters of non-stop action, I think this has a lot of potential and should do well.
Starred and on my WL
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Hi Phil,

A big mahalo for waiting for an admittedly very overdue review. I'm really enjoying Ragnarok, you've clearly got not only a great imagination, but the talent to create a fully-realized world and populate it with interesting characters. The only critique I have is that there are times when I feel the manuscript may be getting bogged down in technical details, like you're having more fun describing the guns and the equipment than telling the story. Streamlining that in your next edit could really make this killer story fly.

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Overall this is great fun. I was disappointed when I got to the end of chapter 18, when the doodoo is hitting the mechanical air circulator good and proper and realised there were no more chapters. Boo Hoo. A good premise, some good characters, if lightly drawn, not overly cliched but staying well in bounds of the mainstream, but with a nice twist or two. The writing is well suited to action, sparse and muscular, with little to criticise and lots to like. The war stuff is well conveyed, with nicely paced action and believable tech; the space stuff is not overly sketchy or over-explained, so is difficult to take issue with; the physics stuff could perhaps be worked over to make it less accessible to criticism, as too many people take the science in sci-fi too literally and seem to expect that it should all work. Good luck with this, it certainly seems to have potential, but it's hard to say just how much as you curtail the story just as you reach the nitty gritty.

Thank you. KA.

Thanks for a great comment and some good constructive criticism. I was wondering if I was getting the right balance between pace and description, action and exposition, so that's a great help. Also, would you care to expand on that last sentence a bit please?

Overall this is great fun. I was disappointed when I got to the end of chapter 18, when the doodoo is hitting the mechanical air circulator good and proper and realised there were no more chapters. Boo Hoo. A good premise, some good characters, if lightly drawn, not overly cliched but staying well in bounds of the mainstream, but with a nice twist or two. The writing is well suited to action, sparse and muscular, with little to criticise and lots to like. The war stuff is well conveyed, with nicely paced action and believable tech; the space stuff is not overly sketchy or over-explained, so is difficult to take issue with; the physics stuff could perhaps be worked over to make it less accessible to criticism, as too many people take the science in sci-fi too literally and seem to expect that it should all work. Good luck with this, it certainly seems to have potential, but it's hard to say just how much as you curtail the story just as you reach the nitty gritty.

Thank you. KA.

With an enticing premise and active, unembellished prose, Ragnarok takes the reader in an arm lock and drags him, front and right, into the action. There is a frisson of testosterone that bodes well for the ensuing exposition of plot with its cast of well developed, and most important, interesting characters. Enthusiastically BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Hi Phil. Have you had time over the past couple of days to take a glance at my childrens' book ; Paperbats, yet ? Cheers.
Jerry [paperbat]

Have been enjoying this book of yours greatly. Only two comments - firstly I thought it was a bit slow to start [ch.1 withthe fight action - may be abbreviate it a touch]. Secondly in ch 4, make more of the into where you again mention Arrida-city state. Anyway, just ideas. Your writing style / eloquence is very good. BACKED with pleasure.
I would appreciate if you were able to look at my childrens' book ; Paperbats.
Thanks. Jerry [paperbat]

Very nice, Phil. I rarely leave comments, but yours deserve one.

~Melinda James

Dear Phil
OMG this is amazing. I am so glad I read on for sure. The book cover grabbed me first then of course your long pitch.
.I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

Nathann is well drawn and you have openened this exciting book with immense imagination. Charged and vastly dramatic to please the audience not to mention yout talent that so few have.

backed

There's promise here and some good writing with some unusual characters. There's time to make changes while on the site to help you climb nearer to the top set.
Lara
Good for Him

You're certainly a talented writer, with a broad and varied vocabulary and an ability to construct masterful sentences. I would say that in the first several paragraphs, before you get into dialogue, the prose is perhaps a bit over-written. Too much description, the sentences so dense it takes a bit too much effort to crack them. I think if you compare paragraphs like the one that begins "The hovertruck" to one later in the chapter, once there is actually action happening, you may see what I mean. Your style is the same, only a bit less dense later in the paragraph. Just my opinion. As for the story, a great beginning, right in the action.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Phil,

Great stuff, fast paced and dramatic. I wonder a little at how much the TRF commander is prepared to tell the MC, but things move fast enough for this to be quickly forgotten.

Also, occasionally in action scenes the pronouns got difficult for me to follow: there were passages I had to re-read to be sure quite who was doing what.

Still two chapters of non-stop action, this has a lot of potential.

Backed

Dear Phil,
Your synopsis sent shivers up my spine. Your writing is extremely good, and I commend you. Ragnarok, War in Heaven has great potential, and I wish you much success with this novel
Sincerely
Helen
The Last Dream

A very well written book. It's something that feels original and it really hooks the reader's attention. I like your writing style and descriptive abilities. I was taken to another world and very impressed! Good luck with this!

Missy

I loved your prose and found it an excellent example of its genre in the chapters I read. I cannot fault it. It was pacy, profound and well-crafted. The only thing I would suggest is that you give us more of the actual story in your pitch. I know this may seem a minor quibble (ad maybe it is) but it's the only thing I didn;t really enjoy.
Carl
The Time Hunters

You grab and then hold the reader's attention in your openning few paragraphs and then build your story well from there. Your use of short paragraphs not only keeps the tension high in your action scenes but also keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. You have crafted an unique and commpelling storyline and your imaginative writing makes your science fiction work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

One of the few sci-fi books on this site that have really held my attention - you create such a believable alternative reality that it's impossible not to be drawn along for the ride. Backed with pleasure.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

Ragarok
Phil Grey

Hi Phil, Gripping and especially when Nathan begins second-guessing with his equipment. The technology creeps up in the story and then when Nathan wonders at the attackers' being an invasion, the situation like crime on earth, this really becomes scary. The action sections are well-written and hold the pace. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Phil
The level of detail in some of your descriptive writing is very impressive. You obviously have done your research so as to be able to write so much spepcific information about the weapons. One of the reasons I don't normally read sci-fi is because of its lack of reality, but you've written this in a credible manner. Loads of action with an original plot.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Sometimes ya just gotta go to another world to get some action! And hey, this certainly does that. The way this reads, I'd almost say it's more action than sci-fi ... possibly able to cross that demo barrier. As my stuff is probably the opposite ... kinda touchy feely and all that ... my only observation (but consider the source with what I just said) is that sometimes I had to go back and read a paragraph over a couple of times because I was getting lost in the details. However, I think someone who is addicted to this kind of read likely wouldn't have the same issues. Great stuff.

Phil, will it cause screams of protest if I say I think this book would appeal to men more than women? I'm sure that's what marketing departments at publishers do.

No, it won't cause protest, at least not from me anyway. I'm male, I figure I write like one, so my books aren't as likely to appeal to women as they are to men. I have no problems with it.

The opening chapter is like a police shoot-out of the present day and it was only the reference to the weapons that made me realise it's sci-fi. Your style is gritty and gutsy and sexy somehow, can't explain that, hope you don't think I'm a pervert.
It's real, your characters are real. Backed. lynn

I do not think you're a pervert, I just think you have a unique and honest way of expressing your sentiments about my writing style. And I <3 honesty very much.

Phil, will it cause screams of protest if I say I think this book would appeal to men more than women? I'm sure that's what marketing departments at publishers do.
The opening chapter is like a police shoot-out of the present day and it was only the reference to the weapons that made me realise it's sci-fi. Your style is gritty and gutsy and sexy somehow, can't explain that, hope you don't think I'm a pervert.
It's real, your characters are real. Backed. lynn

Hi Phil,
A superb start. Sorry, I hadn't time to read it all.
Backed for being potentially very good indeed.
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Great sci-fi. A high tech street fight is a great way to capture attention, and this book does it beautifully. There's enough real and pseudo-science in it to make me drool, and the promise of a planet wide conflagration. Who wouldn't want to read that? Fabulous book. Backed with pleasure.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Great sci-fi. A high tech street fight is agreat way to capture attention, and this book does it beautifully. There's enough real and pseudo-science in it to make me drool, and the promise of a planet wide conflagration. Who wouldn't want to read that? Fabulous book. Backed with pleasure.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

You have exactly the right pitch of language for a solid sci-fi narrative and I think this is something that modern writer's in the genre have tried (unsuccessfully in my opinion) to alter with a form of post modern sci-fi, if such a thing is possible. In your writing I detect a lover of reading the genre and a purist who knows exactly how to curve it at the edges. Excellently written but be the short version of all that.

I do like the point : "Just because they were low-tech didn't mean that they weren't also deadly"- most people ignore that, even in our modern day military incursions (I'm thinking IEDs but this could also include manure bombs and the like).

Also, although the weaponry you highlight is futuristic at heart I like the fact that it almost seems pheasible; as if it were merely an extension of what we already have today.

This is a winner in my mind and I look forward to seeing it in print.

Good luck with it. BACKED

I like the short pitch. My nephew is called Ragnar, so that's what drew me to your book in the first place.
Dramatic, exciting first chapter.
Backed.
Karien - A Bird in a Pram

Hi thereWelcome to Authonomy and all its foibles!

I like your pitch, drew me in to a genre I never read.

Anyway from the beginning it was very fast paced and exciting. Good descriptions and dialogue. I will read more later and will back asap when I've arranged my shelf.
Good luck
Faith
The Assassins Village

Firstly, to all that have backed my book, thank you.
I would back your books if the cookie-thing for Firefox and Snow Leopard played nice, but it doesn't. So for now, I'm adding them all to my watchlist in the hopes that admin can clean up this mess of cookies all over the floor.

As to my book, well I never actually thought it would interest that many people. So I'm pleased and kinda humbled by the comments so far.

EDIT: Now this *is* interesting. Nothing seems to work properly in Firefox, but it's all gravy in Safari… what's going on here?

Re-EDIT: Except that uploading additional chapters doesn't work on either.

This is great writing - truly action packed with a fast pace. Love that we are 'in the thick of it all' from the onset. This is my kind of book. Backed.

Dear Phil
Your short pitch is seductive in the way it lures in, very good and the long pitch really got my interest, so much so that i had to read on. Very dramatic opening chapter which I love and your characters decided to take over my head but the trouble is they wont leave, please call them home. Really good story line and so glad that it is so original. I crossed over to this genre to find talent and have found many but there is only so much that one can do with space. or so i thought, you did something different. CONGRATS on the originality
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
I do hope you will review my book, comment and most of all BACK it. but either way the BEST of luck with yours
Denise
The Letter

Welcome aboard, Phil. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. The long pitch needs to be expanded upon. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my 2 memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

Firstly, thanks heaps.

Secondly, would that I could, but for some reason Authonomy seems to hate anything run on my Mac in terms of trying to add anything to my bookshelf. Do you know if anyone else has this issue?

[Snow Leopard/Firefox 3 if they need to know]

RAGNAROK
This is a good story. The first chapter is dramatic; I like the way it begins as just a simple street fight and then turns into an all out war. Really pulls your reader into the story. You do a good job balancing description and dialogue; always keeps this moving forward to make it a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Dear Phil, I love your plot. :) The suggested name for the ship were amazing. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my 2 memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
backed :)
Love, Susie :)