Finding Sam

P.S. I just read your bio and I see that you have stated you plan to correct typos on your manuscript but not on this Authonomy copy. That's really not very fair. I spent a lot of time this evening on your first five chapters, and it's possible that you've already corrected those typos. Anyone else who comes along and wants to help you with typos - and you have requested help - will spend their precious time helping you, as I have tried to do - and it may all be just wasted time if you've already corrected the typos. I regret that I just spent several hours on your book, now that I know that you may already know about these mistakes in your manuscript. You say that you want to spend your time reading others' material here, and that's great, but you are wasting our time if we have to spend hours on your material when there is no need. I could have read ten chapters instead of five if I had not been going through this and copying out the areas that needed work.

I also see that you are working on two other stories, and I have a recommendation, which is that you ought to give this story the time and attention it deserves before moving on to other things. As I said in my first comment, you have a very good book here. It needs and deserves a lot of work to polish it up and make it perfect.
Sincerely,
Judy Adams

I've read five chapters and I'll be back for more - mainly because I want to find out what made Samantha withdraw so fully from the world. I noted some typos, but I didn't mark all of them. This story needs a very good, careful read and you can do that and catch a lot of mistakes. These are the ones I marked:

The honeymoon would take place in Australia where we would snorkel and folic -- should be frolic.

Chapter one, in the paragraph beginning with "With their long blond hair, fake golden tans, and blue eyes, they were the quintessential beautiful girls. They looked as if they belong in Miss America pageants..." I think the word "belong" ought to be "belonged."

The following paragraph, beginning with "As soon as I heard the words" Sentence #3 begins "They Aceys both thought..." I think "They" is supposed to be "The."

The bottom of that same paragraph "I feigned innocent as I..." I think "innocent" might be better as "innocence."

In the paragraph that begins "I watched Stacey guide the newbie to their table.." it says "who I dubbed (lovingly of course) the Hell Twins..." But earlier Samantha called them the Double Mint Twins. I'd skip the Double Mint and just say something about how perfect they looked or something, because the Hell Twins (which I'd call the twins from hell, actually because "Hell Twins" doesn't seem to flow very well) is more important to the story than double mint gum commercial references.

I don't understand the point about anyone unlucky enough to cross their paths, they were step-sisters.

In the sentence "I heard my teacher Mr. Parsons say" there needs to be a comma after "teacher" and after "Mr. Parsons."

In the paragraph that begins "David's eye caught the seat next to me and casually walked to it and sat down." You need to add the word "he" before "casually." Otherwise it's David's eye that walks over and sits down.

"My parents must not had heard me walk in..." "had" should be "have."

I'm not sure, but I think "him" should be "he" in the sentence "How dare him!" in the paragraph that begins with "Everyone turned to state at David as he walked away..."

The second "was" needs to be removed from the first sentence in the paragraph beginning "For being as invisible as I was, it's amazing that I was stood at a towering five feet ten inches." (between "I" and "stood.")

In the sentence "The rest of me sounded pretty drab" it seems odd that a person would speak about themselves using the word "sounded" like they were that removed from them self. I would change this sentence to "The rest of me was pretty drab." (Although it's obvious from the description, that Samantha may think she's ugly but the author wants to be sure the readers aren't buying it. As a narrative, if Sam really feels that she is ugly, then she should describe herself in a way that makes the reader understand this. Being tall and slender with wavy dark hair and dark eyes with thick, dark lashes is hardly a prescription for ugly.)

I don't really get why Mr. Christie asked Samantha if there was something she wanted to share with the class. It says she sat down heavily and glared at some of the other students. But this doesn't seem so out of character with her that it would prompt the teacher to say anything. That sort of question from a teacher usually is provoked by one student whispering to another when the class is supposed to be quiet.

There seems to be too much of Samantha wondering in irritation why people can't think of something else to talk about besides her.

In "Hmm, so he was just a few weeks older than me." I think "me" should be "I."

In the sentence "I never called her before until today." I'd drop either "before" or "until today."

I think the sentence "It made for an easier escape, shall the need for one ever arise" is awkward. "It would make for an easier escape, should the need arise." might be better.

When you describe David's house as a "modest one story brick structure" it seems the house will be small. But then you go on to say "Just by looking at the house from the outside I could tell that the rooms would be fairly large. Then you go on to describe a very large living room that makes it sound like the house is an expensive one. So the initial descriptive word "modest" doesn't seem to fit.

"Where in Arizona does she live in?" I'd drop the second "in."

"In all actuality, I was feeling very confused." seems like an awkward sentence. I'd put something like, "Actually, I was feeling very confused."

"I saved the email and closed exited out of the page." either take out "closed" or take out "exited out of"

"Snap out of it Samantha! It was just a stupid email. I didn't mean anything," I yelled to myself.
The first "I" should be "It"

"Belatedly I wondered how David got my email address and then I remember he asked me what it was..." "remember" should be "remembered."

In the list "anger, rage, frustration, happy, light, and nervous" I'd make them all go together, so "anger, rage, frustration, happiness, nervous." (I don't know what you mean by "light" but "happy" doesn't work as well as "happiness")

Right after that sentence, it says, "Bust most of all he made me feel alive." I think "Bust" is supposed to be "But."

To say, regarding Samantha's mother, "I knew it would devastate her if things went back to the way they used to be.." seems awfully premature. Sam has spoken to one person in school, a couple of times, and reluctantly agreed to participate in a project that required some social interactions. There doesn't seem to be enough history of change for things to have a "went back the way they used to be" yet. Sam's just made one very tiny, important, but tiny step forward. To act like she's just happily joined a glee club doesn't make sense. Unless her mother is a complete idiot, she would be taking this slowly and understand that Sam is taking things slowly.

In the sentence "I was beginning to wish he had never moved there at all." it seems like the word "there" is out of place and it ought to be "here."

I don't think David would have overstepped his own boundaries (in the sentence "I guess I overstepped my boundaries.") I think he overstepped the boundaries - because they are really her boundaries he overstepped, but it would sound weird to say "overstepped her boundaries" so it ought to be "the."

"She cocked her head to one side and smile at him invitingly." I think "smile" should be "smiled"

I think "Her" should be "She" in the sentence "Her and my father went to a movie and there was food for me in the refrigerator."

This sentence needs to be fixed:
"I stared at her while she babbled on long explanation."

I would change "to go" to "going" in the sentence "Now I was dreading to go back to school."

You need the word "was" in the sentence "We were working on dissecting and I had to identify what the organ he was pointing to in the split open frog." Either it needs to be after "organ" and add "that" right after it, (what the organ was that he was pointing) or it needs to be after "too" (I had to identify what the organ he was pointing to was in the split) -- also the word "too" should be "to."

In the sentence "Whenever I crossed Stacey's path she cast me glare that would kill a lesser man" first you need the word "a" between "me" and "glare" and second, I'd say "lesser woman."

"David laughed and reached into his truck. In his hand was a blanket which he promptly spread on the gross." I think "gross" is supposed to be "grass."

I think you have a very good story here and you are a good writer. The story is too long, though. From everything I've heard, publishers are looking for books that are 80,000 to 100,000 words, generally closer to 80,000, especially from new authors. You have some repetition, and some things are stated in a way that could be shortened up quite a bit and still not sound clipped. I think this story is worth taking the time to cut it back. You have over 185000 words, and you could almost certainly lose 85,000 without losing much of the story. When I wrote my story, it started at 150,000 words and I'm down to 92,000 and honestly there wasn't much that was really lost. It was just a lot of work getting rid of the repetition and tightening up the sentences.

I wish you all the best with this, it's really good.
Sincerely,
Judy Adams

Thoroughly absorbing, well-written, no errors - I had to remind myself you're not the only one on my watch-list. Stopped after Chapter 3, but reluctantly. Backed, Marj.

Dear Brittany Cournoyer,

I like your down-to-earth writing. In a world that seems to reward things the stranger the better, Finding Sam is refeshing. High school days still make me cringe. We have many things in common and I need to read more.

Backed and best wishes.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

found you in the forum for literary agents.. nice pitch backed your novels :)

this is the type of book l pick up for something different the usual sci-fi fantasy l read. l like this; you write very well, and care about your work...on watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I’m really annoyed with you. I had planned to read at least three books this morning but was so captivated by yours that I’ve run out of time. Witnessing the vulnerability of Sam and the impact of her meeting David was not the wham bam that’s it ‘she’s cured’ sort of book. He gently takes down the barriers brick by brick. She unfolds to swan from self inflicted Ugly Duckling. I am at chapter 6 and still don’t know why she’s withdrawn or what happened very clever I just have to read on I have no choice. The sentence- Its been almost ten years and she still hasn’t gotten over it, lets us know there is a dark secret lurking. This is a sweet tender romance with a real feel god factor. I always comment on books I read, we all need encouragement or enlightenment. I cannot say more, you have written a stunning piece.

Couple of tiny nits in your pitch – she founds out – found out? finds out?
I drug myself out of bed - I drag myself out of bed?
Very best of luck with this Wilma1

Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you can spare a moment to take a look

I found the progagonist sympathetic
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

A well written story with an easy to identify with feel about it.

A good read, tense and full of unspoken feelings. Only comment is, there's some REALLY long chapters. Otherwise a well realised story.

Just good--I can't stop reading! You have the emotion, hook and interest to keep a person (even a busy person) turning the page.
Barbara

Hi Brittany -

I read your first few chapters, and I am enjoying your book so far. Sam is an interesting character, and I look forward to reading more about what happens with David and her.

FINDING SAM
I love this. Your characters are so real, and the narrative flows at a very easy pace. I've just finished Chapter 5 and I, too, am in love with David Edwards. I'll continue reading but it's my happy pleasure to back this right now, and to wish you every success with it.

Gail
NEW BEGINNINGS

First let me apologies, I backed your book after an initial read and have only just got round to commenting (been editing).

Brilliant characterisation of silent Sam!!!
I’ve read up to where Sam has been paired up with David and think this is developing superbly. I love the tone and style you use with Sam, the sarcastic inner thoughts of a silent persona. If I had more time I would read all of this, so for now I will list it to return too. – Good luck!

Brittany,

I love it. Can't wait to finish reading it, as a matter of fact. I think you could use a good editor, but I'm more than glad to back your book. I can't wait to find out what happened to make Samantha the way she is, and I hope David is as nice as he seems. Good work, and good luck. T. L. Haddix.

Hi Brittany, The expectations for Samantha certainly contrast with her self-image and personality. The ribbing she was taking was written with convincing dialogue while David’s politeness on his first day stands out. The story has good flow and when David and Samantha get paired, the plot is launched. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Samantha is sympathetic and well rounded. Your descriptions are vivid. For example, your description of David. You lace you engaging narrative with apt metaphors like 'latch her perfectly manicured claws into him.' Your dialogue sparkles. Your wit is spot on. Your pacing held my interest.

Nits:
1) 'They Aceys both thought he was gorgeous.' 'They' should be 'the.'
2) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse reduces their effectiveness.
3) "Just take any empty seat David," I heard my teacher Mr. Parsons say. Comma after 'seat.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem.
4) Capitalize 'internet.'

This is a totally engaging romance. Backed.

Hi Brittany. Your prologue is really stirring. I think Sam is a great character and you voice her well, fleshing out her character within your writing. I'm sure this will be enjoyed by its audience. Backed and best of luck! Maria (Cosmic Linx)

Hi Brittany. Nice flow of words. I'm not a critic, just a scriptwriter, however I can spot a good visual, and you have painted a good one.

blessings,
jim

First may i say that love your writing style! I think your prologue/chapter one on authonomy was awesome. I loved seeing the little girls dream of life and then the realistic narrator backing it up, it totally made me smile. I like that your narrator is telling things from the past, i think it makes a very strong and reliable narrator that i trust and want to keep reading.
Well done!
Backed
Sofia

I like the premise on the first page, parents living their dreams through their kids. In fact, Chapter 2 of my novel "The Final Cruise" begins witha similar motif. I have backed your book now and I wish you well.

F. Ellsworth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

Hi Brittany
I really enjoyed this. You do a good job of drip feeding us information about Samantha whilst developing the story at the same time. I kept reading, dying to know what the traumatic event was. I like the use of short paragraphs and regular dialogue to keep the story flowing smoothly. I would add to your long pitch though - I don't think it does the story justice nor sells it well enough. Otherwise, fantastic.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Hi Brittany,
Good writing.
A massive piece of work. Too long for me to even contemplate, which is a pity as I really enjoyed three chapters.
Backed but you might need to re-think the length of this one.
Good luck, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Great voice, quite a sad beginning, all those hopes and dreams. Very relevant to your audience. I'm away next week, but watchlisting you to read, and will be backing you on my return, when I'll comment further. Any nitpics? So far only that it's a very long chapter two you have. See you soon.

Prologue
-nitpicking here-
"snorkel and [frolic]"
"modest two [story]"
"circumventing" means to avoid. Perhaps "surrounding the entire house"?

Good foreshadowing for the story. I like your narrator's voice. :)

-Melissa

I like you Preface and your use of the first person narrative. This sets the tone for your story well as Samantha let's the reader know her life was not to be a fairy tale. Well done. Also by using the narrative voice you explore her feelings, thoughts and emotions nicely. Your use of short paragraphs and crisp, realistic dialogue keeps a good pace to your story. Your descriptive writing ensures that your work will have a broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I can't stop reading yours either!

I like Samantha!
We want to read on to find out what happened to her to make her so isolated and withdrawn.
Backed.
Karien - A Bird in a Pram

I like Samantha!
We want to read on to find out what happened to her to make her so isolated and withdrawn.
Backed.
Karien - A Bird in a Pram

One of the best reads I've had in weeks!

Lockjaw

Nice to read a school book and the tensions that young people suffer. Backed.
Lara
Good for Him

Dear Brittany,
I love books about high school--it is either the best of times or it is the worst of times, and you seem to have captured both. You have created the tension--whatever caused this girl to not socialize?--new handsome boy who doesn't fall into the stereotype--that keeps the reader reading. I wish I had time to read this all, for you write beautifully. I like your characters. I've found nothing to nit pick. Best of luck Brittany.
Caroline
Summer Rose

"Finding Sam" is, at heart, a "personal growth / romance" story (or so I gather from the Long Pitch).

At 185,000 words, it is far too long for its genre to be an attractive proposition, as a debut novel, to a publisher. Yes, when you've published as many normal-length books as Jilly Cooper -- and made your publisher a mint of money by doing so -- you can think about writing a 500-page novel but, in your case, you need to lose 60,000 words of "Finding Sam" to at least have a chance of publication.

Fortunately, this won't be difficult, as there is a great deal of unnecessary wordage here. Nearly all of what doesn't either add characterisation or move the plot forward can be cut. Further savings can be made from your practice of over-writing; explaining in great detail what really isn't necessary. For instance, the passage with Shannon, the shop assistant, could be dealt with much more snappily. You have spent 142 words on describing Shannon, her bad moods and her interaction with other members of staff, when none of that is actually relevant to your story. It's padding. In 38 words you could have put: "I was glad when Shannon, my co-worker, came to relieve me, but she spent so long checking her drawer I could have sworn she was deliberately counting slowly, almost as if she knew I was in a hurry". From this, we can gather -- without its having to be spelt out -- that Shannon's moody and probably a bit on the spiteful side. And that's 100 words painlessly cut.

Your Long Pitch approximates to the blurb on the back of a published book and very often it's what a browsing book-buyer relies upon to tempt him or her into looking at the first couple of pages. Your Long Pitch tells me Sam witnessed a very tragic accident in her childhood and, whilst we fully accept this is what has made her silent and withdrawn, we nonetheless have the expectation that we will learn what the incident was. But, after five chapters, I was no nearer to learning this, so it's reasonable to assume your potential reader -- or a publisher -- will feel a bit cheated, as I did. Even if you don't want to give that knowledge away until some future point in the tale, you need to drip-feed in more hints than you have done, to keep the reader's interest focused.

One further small point: In your Short Pitch it should be "... seventeen-year old who ..." not "that". "Who" is for people; "that" is for objects.

Bethany, I am sure that if you take a scalpel to this, and lose all that unwanted adipose tissue, your book will be much more attractive to a potential publisher. I wish you luck with it.

Addictive reading. I so want to know what happens to Sam and Sam and David. At first I thought how terribly sad, but rays of hope for Sam's change come in and a wider picture comes to view. It seems to me you are full of natural talent.
Very happy to read on and to back.
Christina
From Under the Bed

This is a great introduction to what promises to be an excellent book.. I absolutely love the white picket approach to our parents' plans and dreams for us, and how that quickly unravels and reality sets in! You have smooth writing style that I greatly admire. Backed!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

OK, I've just spent the better part of my day reading the ENTIRE thing! I absolutely loved it. It's well written and a delight! I could really connect with Sam, I felt everything she felt, her emerging from behind her walls, to falling in love and getting her heart broken. I needed to get to the end because I had to idea what you were going to do, have her get back with David or be with Adam. I'm SO glad you ended it the way you did. It was perfect.

I loved watching Sam change and come out of her shell. Seeing her experience all these new things was touching, She would be a great role model for girls. Leigh and Adam were great too. All you characters were well developed.

There were a few grammar mistakes, but I forgot them as I was reading. When I first saw how long the book was, it kinda made me pause but reading it didn't feel like it was that long. Anyway, amazing book and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it! Thank you!

Missy

I enjoyed the first few chaps and think that you have a story with a difference. Every parent wants the best for their children and Sam knew what their expectations were,.Life at school seems very uncomfortable until David arrives. Just a suggestion I drug myself out of bed should read I dragged myself out of bed. Good Luck, Anne

This is not the kind of a story I usually read, but I enjoyed yours.
You got a great voice…keep it up. You got my backing.
If you got a moment maybe you could look up my book, TO KILL A DEAD MAN

Dear Brittany
this is an original storyline that you have portrayed with talent and color. Your short pitch was the very thing that pulled me in then your long pitch made promises tome . You book certainly fulfilled the promise. Good pace doe to the crafting and certainly one that I found difficult in putting down. I believe this will certainly get up there quickly. CONGRATS.
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
I do hope you will review my book, comment and most of all BACK it. but either way the BEST of luck with yours
Denise
The Letter view book

What a remarkable piece of fiction. Charcters are polished and the diolouge engages us to the last word.C W

Thank you so much everyone! In a few weeks I will be posting the sequel!

14 July 2010
The underlying sleight of hand of the 'switch' in the opening to Finding Sam is not new but rarely has it been accomplished with more masterful panache and dexterity. A beautifully sensitive 'what if' bubble sequence, graphically described and brought almost to culmination then pricked with a throwaway one-liner. Skilled demonstration of literary skill that stands guarantor for the quality of the chapters yet to come. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

The opening chapter was both touching and funny. Parents seem to lose all sense of reality where their dreams for their children are concerned.
In ch2 i was impressed that you managed to make Sam sympathetic without her being annoyingly self-pitying . She comes across as vulnerable , intelligent and amusing. Your description of the other characters in class is clear and the dialogue excellent.
This is quality writing, very different from most YA acounts of school days. There's individuality and an engaging narrator in Sam, who makes us want to read on. Backed. Lynn

Dear Brittany --

Finding Sam is an entertaining love story, well-suited to the tweens through YA readership. Samantha is a believable MC, and her interactions with the characters that people her world -- her parents, Mr. Parsons, Kevin, etc. all feel authentically voiced. We especially liked the build-up of her relationship with David, and that their love story does not run exactly smooth, but promises to be interesting. BACKED. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Thank you. I figured some dialogue had to be sappy since it's teenagers! lol

I love this so far! You are certainly a talented writer with a knack for snappy dialogue and down to earth characters! Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

I love this so far! You are certainly a talented writer with a knack for snappy dialogue and down to earth characters! Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Thank you everyone. Your positive comments have helped me believe that I might actually be a decent writer. And any bit of criticism and advice has been beyond helpful. I truly appreciate it.

FINDING SAM
This is a good coming-of-age story. Sam is immediately likeable because she describes herself as the “invisible girl in school” (we all know what that feels like). The description of the way she beg(ins to fall for David is sensitively written. Makes this a book I think young adults will enjoy reading a lot. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Great opening chapter! This is something we can all relate to, isn't it? If our parents didn't have a plan like this for us, we made one for ourselves. And life NEVER goes as planned. I think this is very mature writing for someone your age. Professionally done too, with no grammar or spelling problems (which, for me, are deal-breaker). Keep up the great work.

Hi Brittany,

Good luck with this. I have backed it because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
The Mental Pause

Hi Brittany, I can see young girl's buying this book.
Your first chapter is very descriptive in the class room and of course we all feel sorry for Samantha.
I thought it was a bit overdone in parts though.
Still it's good writing and should do well like I said with young girls.
I back it.SHELVED.

regard's,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest)