Book Jacket

 

rank 5466
word count 80913
date submitted 13.07.2010
date updated 18.11.2010
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: universal
complete

Lords of Cloud and Storm

Stephen Lucek

A boy is lost in a storm. On a chance encounter hangs the fate of two mighty kingdoms.

 

A simple woodsman’s boy, lost in a storm. Thrust from his old life he finds himself groomed to be an officer in a mighty navy. But now his life is the plaything of people unseen, his world one where loyalty is rewarded with betrayal.

An old king, sitting on the throne of a boundless realm, surrounded by a royal court hidebound by privilege and ritual. His sons, not even waiting for his demise, scheme and plot for his succession.

A princess, her family tearing itself apart, and with it a mighty and magnificent kingdom. Powerless to act directly, she lays her plans in secret, quietly planting ideals in men’s hearts that might bear fruit in years to come, ideals that might save a kingdom.

A pirate, dreaming of the restoration of an ancient and proud city suffering under the heavy yoke of servitude. How can a noble cause be served by men who are little more than murderers and cutthroats?

All these worlds are set to collide in an explosive tangle of intrigue and deceit, adventure and romance.


Fantasy in terms of history, lands and technology. No magic or goblins.
Young adult in terms of adventure and pirates. No vampires.

 
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adventure story, fairy tale, fantasy, intrigue, no magic goblins or vampires, pirates, romance

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Chapters

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Chapter One – A Boy and a Girl

This story starts, like every other story that ever drew breath and lived, with a boy and a girl.  This particular boy was in trouble.  You might think that this trouble took the form of the men who were, at this very moment, scouring the woods, in their twos and threes; rough looking men, whose dirty garb and assorted arms and armour spoke of ill meaning banditry rather than the polished discipline of soldiery.  No these men the boy did not hold to be a threat.  His father was a woodsman, and from his earliest days the boy had been taught the forest paths and how to stalk prey, silent and deadly with bow and spear.  At present he was safely hidden in the scrub on the verge of a clearing in the forest and had no fear of these men

The boy’s mind was filled with dread, for that morning he had promised his father he would not tarry long in the woods.  It had been fair and bright, the trees swaying in the stiff breeze, beckoning to his boyish imagination to come and play.  But the day had turned ill, and he had found nothing to trail or to follow, to hunt or to snare.  And out of nowhere the clouds had arrived thick and dark, yet rainless, driven by a wind that now lashed the trees this way and that, and thunder that threatened to split the sky.  And now, how could it be so dark under the clouds, because it could surely not be much past the mid of the day?  And so, the boy feared the wrath of his father for broken promises and for tasks left undone.  And though he would not admit it to himself, the tracks seemed to have been blown hither and yon by the winds and, although born to the woods, he was lost and could not think of a quick way back.  But those imagined fears had little to do with his true danger.

The trouble that the boy was in lay some fifty yards away, in the clearing, and took the form of a girl who probably imagined herself to be hidden behind a rocky outcrop that thrust out of the ground on the steep hillside.  That her robes were torn and muddy was scant camouflage, and she was quite visible to the boy.  But he was just a boy, barely in his twelfth year, so how could he know of the danger of girls?  And, even if he were older and wiser, still he would not know the danger of this particular girl.  And how could he?  She was dirty and muddy and scared and crying.  But the last was his imagining and not his seeing, for crying was what he knew girls did, and he did not have to see tears to know she cried.  Or so he thought.

Oblivious to his danger, the next moment the boy was beside the girl, his hand on her shoulder, and shaking her, as he hurled a shouted whisper in the wind.

‘Come with me, I’ll take you home.’

She looked at him furiously and spat, ‘Don’t be a dolt!  They’ll find me.’

‘Them? They couldn’t find their backsides with their own hands!’

She laughed aloud, throwing back her head.

‘Shhh!’ he hissed and off they scrabbled and scampered into the dark of the forest.  As he led the way, scurrying from hiding place to hiding place, always with an eye and ear for the hunters, the boy mused that, for a girl crying and scared, she did not do too badly.  She stopped when he beckoned, freezing or dropping down behind bush, tree or rock; hid where told, not needing much help to be safe from any but the most piercing gaze.  And, most importantly of all, she was quiet.  Not born to the woods silent, but quiet enough given the howling winds, and thrashing trees.  She didn’t say anything, or argue, or decide that she had a better place to hide that wasn’t quite so dirty or wet and she didn’t cry or complain when he left her securely hidden to scout the way, checking for the men and, although she never knew it, looking for the track back home. 

Many a time they hid, tight and scared, while the bandits passed so close that their swearing and curses could be heard.  Smelling the stale sweat on their dirty cloaks, the boy knew true fear for the first time, the kind that turns the head light and the stomach heavy.  But that particular boy and that particular girl were not found.  And, in truth, they were beginning to enjoy the game. 

The hours passed, and night began to fall while they hid from those bandits, scampering wildly when they could.  But at last they burst out of the trees and through the door into the boy’s hut.  It was dark inside, no welcoming fire in the hearth with his father beside it, offering safety, no matter what anger would accompany it.  How loud their breathing sounded, now that the howling wind was silenced by the door slamming shut behind them!  How loud the creak and groan of the swaying trees which might mask, or even be, the sounds of the bandits closing in!  Dark and empty, the hut no longer seemed the safe refuge of home.  And where was his father?  Out looking for him he supposed.  Now, suddenly, the hut seemed lonely in the forest, far from the village and the nearest friend.

And then, though he was paces from the door and his back was to it, he felt it shuddering as it opened.  Wild with panic he shoved the girl roughly behind him, grabbing his little knife from his belt. He held it in front of him, as if it could hide them both.  Perhaps she squealed at his rough handling, or screamed as the door swung open, or perhaps she was a silent as the grave, the boy did not know.  It seemed that the door opened slowly, taking forever, each instant frozen in time.  And the figure that filled the gap was not his father, who was slight of build – no, this man was huge, whose laugh was quiet and menacingHe had dirt in his long lank hair, and a large nose and ears and a fat hand clasping a rough club.  The boy leapt, dagger striking at the fat belly, but skittering painfully from his hand as it struck hard leather.  He felt the man grab him roughly with one hand, as the other raised the club above his head.  The boy struggled wildly, suddenly wriggling free as the man grunted in puzzlement and then, tripping over the threshold, fell.  The boy could see his freedom then, the doorway was clear.  But the girl was trapped and he could not leave her.  He swung round searching for his knife, only then realising that the man was not moving.  Out of his back stood two arrows buried deep, motionless and final.  He heard shouting, but it was certainly no friendly shouting.  The boy knew that they could not stay and become trapped again, so he stooped down and, snatching for his knife with one hand whilst grabbing the girl with his other, they fled out the door, away from the shouting and confusion, not caring who was friend and who was foe.

They ran until their sides hurt and the air seemed to burn in their lungs, not heeding where they ran or in what direction. It was no longer a game, when fear added to the excitement.  Now it was something terrible.  And they carried on running.

At last they fell, their legs aching with stabbing pain, and could move no further. They huddled where they lay, not raising their heads to see if any better hiding place was to be found.

And that was where they spent the night.  If they were cold they did not feel it, and if they slept at all, it was barely a doze and they did not remember it.  But with dawn the rainless storm had passed.  And, suddenly, they were found, his father sweeping them both into a wide hug. Where he had come from and how, neither the boy nor the girl knew or cared.

Chapters

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PCreturned wrote 375 days ago

Hi again Stephen,

I'm just popping over to have another peek at your work. I'm rereading a few of the books on authonomy that I remember particularly liking. :)

Ah there's a lot to like here. Proper fantasy. No tired cliches. And your characters are so well-drawn and believable. Much better than the cardboard cutouts in lots of books.

I really like Aeodan. I think you do a great job of portraying him as a fish out of water. I want to follow his adventures and see what developments your story has in store for him. ;)

Last time I read this, the star rating system didn't even exist. As a sign of how much I like your book, I'm giving you as many stars as possible right now. ;)

I think this is a wonderful story, and would love to see it published. I can see it selling v well to young fantasy fans. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

CarolinaAl wrote 546 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. The main character shines and has depth. Descriptions are crisp and vivid. Good pacing. Good drama/tension.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.
2) 'He felt the man grab him roughly ...' could be 'The man grabbed him roughly ...'
3) 'The boy could see his freedom then,' could be 'The boy saw his freedom then.'

I hope this critique helps you to further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Take what works for you and discard the rest.

Happy writing.

Al

Cherry G. wrote 561 days ago

LORDS of CLOUD AND STORM
You give us a captivating start to this tale, for you reveal the tearful girl will bring trouble to the boy, even though he is too young to know it. Aeodan is an attractive main character. He shows his courage and his resourcefulness by escaping from the bandits and leading the girl to safety.When Aeodan's father finds them and leads them to the village, we realise the woodcutter must have fought and killed many men that night . When the girl says her family will reward them for their rescue, the woodcutter is alarmed and makes it clear he wants nothing to do with her powerful family. This is strange and set me wondering. Why should Aeodan's father be so afraid and want nothing to do with the girl's family. Has he something to fear from them? And how has he become such a skilled fighter?
When mounted soldiers who come to collect the girl, Aeodan realises she is Princess Raenwyn, the daughter of the king. From that time, Aeodan and his father keep moving,on and on until they find a mining village that needs a blacksmith and they settle into that role. Was the woodcutter really just concerned the bandits might return or it is something else they are running from? He's already taught Aeodan how to hunt and track animals through the forest, now he teaches him much more. Besides the skills in the smithy, the boy learns how to fight with fists and a short sword and watch the great ships through the brass telescope.
The sea galleons are a glorious idea. They conjure up the excitement of the high seas with the mystery of flight. But the woodcutter knows such a lot about the Sea Galleons and about sword craft (when only the noblemen are allowed the take arms) that I think you are giving us clues he may not be all he seems.
Aeodan's call to the Navy of Storm's training college comes as a shock. He is not high born but someone wants him to train at the Academy. Who? Quickly Aeodan's father tries to prepare the boy and tells him that he and his forebearers have always needed to fight in wars and it looks like he will too. So who exactly is Aeodan's father and why has Aeodan been called to the Academy?. All intriguing questions and because Aeodan is such an appealing character, we just have to read on.
You give us vivid descriptions of the Academy. I liked their first visit to the Observatory and the dramatic first appearance of Leofric, the master. I found Saeric mysterious and attractive too. When they have the sword fight, Saeric is favoured by the masters because of his high position , bur Saeric himself wants a fair fight and out of respect, gives Aeodan the name Starkite. I've a feeling we'll see more of Saeric.
The Academy Ball raises more questions , with Princess Raenwyn taking special interest in Aeowyn and dressing him in her special livery. What does this mean? Saeric thinks it's important and says something to Aeodan he doesn't quite comprehend...who does he owe his allegiance to? And is the princess in love with him? Or does she want him for some loyal service? She must know dangerous times are approaching, with her father near death and her brothers already fighting over the throne.
You entice us on with the promise of adventure when Aeodan and Lord Saeric learn their commissions at the end of their training.. Aeodan is to be first mate on a Sky Corvette, with Saeric as his captain. The two work well together and are soon sent to hunt down pirates. You give fascinating descriptions of the sky ships, with the engines, the masts and sails. The battle between their ship and the first pirate ship they encounter was particularly dramatic and the way the ships were zigzagging to dodge the guns was vividly portrayed. Excellently done I thought. I also liked the way you describe the respect between Aeodan and Saeric. I'm guessing here, but I think perhaps they'll be forced to fight each other in the future.
There is the threat of war everywhere and with the death of the king, the princes start to fight each other. Caught up in the middle of this is the beautiful city of Clouds. Aeodan is soon promoted to captain of his own ship, Acteon, and Saeric is promoted to commander of the flagship, Devastation. I fear for Aeodan now and wonder what part he will be forced to play in a war between the princes.
My interest in this tale never waivered, there is always something to look forward to. At this point I'm wondering if Aeodan will eventually meet the princess again and if he will learn more about his father. I think it is suitable for YAs. You've got the excitement and adventure but also the brave main character and perhaps a romance between him and the princess. The writing is beautiful and doesn't talk down to the target audience. There is the occasional old-fashioned or unusual word, but that all adds to the sense of mystery and it is treating the young reader with respect: not everything has to simplified for them.
Just a few nits:
In your tags..check out your spelling of pirates.
Towards end of chapter 2,(when he is given the pony) Aeodan is named as Aden.
Chapter 3. When Aeodan is on the rock playing his flute : "..letting the world pass buy [by] whilst he gave..."
Chapter 7. When Saeric advises Aeodan, "..excel in ones [one's] duty and win renown."
Chapter 7 " ..moral [morale] of the crew might break."
Hope this helps a little.
Good luck and I'd really like to see it published. BACKED.
Cherry G.
The Girl from Ithaca

Pat Black wrote 567 days ago

Hi there - have had this on my shelf a while. Excellent prose, a hint of ancient fairy tales with just that little touch of modern sensibilties in it, apparent from the first line. In your boy and girl's getting-together, I can see a litttle bit of Jack Vance in what you write. Excellent stuff, stars to follow

P

A. L. Reynolds wrote 573 days ago

Beautiful prose that speaks of myths and fairy tales and well written books! I love the fact that you've written a book for young adults that does not pander or belittle in its language! I haven't read a lot yet - I got the urge to comment before I got that far, and I don't have much time - but this book deserves reading!

flnaturelover wrote 577 days ago

You are a wonderful story teller. I wish I had time to read all the way through. But for now I know that this story deserves backing. C. S. Poulsen THE INSIDERS mg/ya

Sly80 wrote 578 days ago

Here is the voice of a true storyteller, lyrical, with an implied smile and twinkle in the eye, magical, 'how could he know the danger of girls'. Indeed, or even imagine: 'he did not have to see tears to know she cried. Or so he thought'. Having escaped from danger the girl and the boy and his dad end up in the blacksmith's parlour which serves as a meeting place. I suspect Raenwyn is keeping many secrets up her sleeve - she has an old head on her shoulders, 'your skills would be hiding us from both friend and foe'. Then she is revealed as someone very splendid indeed. And later, Beormund and Aeodan leave home. Will the boy and girl meet each other again?

You aren't Irish, are you, Stephen? The novel has that lilt to it, mixed in with a brew of folklore and the ethereal. You've taken traditional storytelling as the seed from which to grow an enchanting fantasy ... backed.

Possible nits: 'Your parents will be grand folk', how does he know this? Perhaps explain. I think there are one or two similar places where you could show a little more of the characters' thoughts and reactions without losing that sense of mystery.

JF Williams wrote 583 days ago

This story has a very strong voice, employing long sentences stuffed with a parenthetical or two, the sort of thing I think makes reading very satisfying when done well, and really gives a fantasy that touch of verbal opulence without being wordy. The scene with the bandit in the house was masterfully done action writing. Altogether a very lively read.

briantodd wrote 606 days ago

Dear Stephen

Many recognisable themes within the imaginative fantasy fable rooted in morality that you have created here. Great descriptive prose. The warcraft names prepare the reader for the content. Romance, adventure, battles, a youthful quest, the training,the warring peoples,shades of Tolkein. You carry it all off with great aplomb. A big budget Cecil B deMille epic of a book/film series in genesis.

regards

Brian

Margaret Anthony wrote 606 days ago

I was so pleased to read the last two sentences at the end of your pitch! No disrespect to vampires and goblins but there seems to be a lot about and your story encapsulates just pure fantasy.
What a pleasure to read a tale woven from a fine imagination, from someone who dreams and then creates words from that dream.
With little dialogue in the first chapter, you still manage to convey a sense of wariness and not a little fear in the forest with the two young people. Your unique story-telling voice does a wonderful job of conveying many emotions and you have a keen eye for detail.
I do hope this appeals to your target readers, it deserves too. Refreshingly different. Backed. Margaret.

Suzalex wrote 612 days ago

I only have time for the first chapter, but enjoyed it very much. It is well written and an interesting story that I'm sure will delight any YA.

Suz

Simon Verde wrote 612 days ago

I have just finished reading all you have posted here and enjoyed the story. If a nit pick exists it is that the story is told very much as a narration and I would have liked to see a little more interaction, descriptively from the characters. Having said that I obviously was drawn in, as I read right to the end. It's a good mix of old tpe fairy tale and almost swashbuckling Bolitho type adventure. Good luck with this. Backed.

zrinka wrote 613 days ago

I like your very descriptive narrative voice that propells the story along at a fast pace. And while the story begins as a fairy tale you take it at the totally different direction and take the reader along on a suspense ride.

JD Revene wrote 614 days ago

That is a magnificent opening chapter. You mix action and narrative confidently and keep the story moving. The language is simple, but descriptive. Little to comment on. One thing, perhaps. In the main it struck me that this was aimed if the younger end of the YA market, or perhaps even the older end of the children's market, if that's the case I'm not sure about the use of the word 'arse', but that most minor nit-pick is all I could find to comment on. Backed.

Lynne wrote 616 days ago

The cover of your book looks great on my shelf, even if for only a short time. Your story starts well and your descriptions take the reader right into the heart of the story. I love the excitement and the suspense and feel this will appeal to a wide age range. A real page-turner and backed with pleasure. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Herschel Shirley wrote 618 days ago

Interesting story. Good tension and suspense. Backed.

River Stone wrote 621 days ago

Hello
care to swap reads and backs?

Regards
River

The Secret Snow

PCreturned wrote 627 days ago

Intriguing beginning. You inject plenty of danger and mystery. Just what is going on? We certainly want to read on and find out. :)

I have a couple of tiny suggestions. I hope thats OK.

I'd be tempted to ditch the introductory paragraphs and get right to the story. I do understand you're starting with some narrative distance, and then zooming in. It gives a good fairy tale feeling, but I did want to get to the action sooner.

I'd also suggest breaking up some of your longer paragraphs as they could be a little daunting to younger readers.

I do think you've written a good story, though, that will fascinate younger fantasy lovers.

Backed with pleasure. :)

Pete

JupiterGirl wrote 629 days ago

Hi Stephen, I enjoyed delving into your work and found it refreshingly honest and forthwith. The narrative has a noble air to it, perfect for a telling of a fantastical tale of swashbuckling pirates and of damsels in distress. Shelved. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Lara wrote 630 days ago

It reads well. I'm just a little unsure whether the style of the narrative voice will appeal to youngsters because it does sound like an adult telling the tale to them, whereas they'd prefer another one of their own age to tell it. Otherwise, enjoyable with good pace and plot.
Lara
Good for Him x

Debra wrote 630 days ago

No vampires! Yippee. Interesting premise. I enjoyed the sample I read. Best wishes with thbis.

Val-Rae Christensen wrote 632 days ago

"This story starts, like every other story that ever drew breath and lived, with a boy and a girl." That's it. I'm hooked. How beautiful is that sentence? And it just gets better and better. I have to say, one of my chief complaints about autho, at least in the past (I took a rather long break recently) is that one would think, by the bulk of the books here and the confidence and persistence and pedantry of many of the authors, is that there is only one way to write, and that is by using the simplest phrasings, the shortest sentences and the sleekest plot. But I write, as I suspect you do, because I love language. I love the medium of words, and how they can be arranged and chosen and laid down like layers of paint, in so many different ways that they sing and dance and make colors. This is brilliant. I love it. If I could back it five times I would.

Best of luck to you with this. You deserve it.

toussaint wrote 633 days ago

Lords of Cloud and Storm

[return backing ☼☼☼☼]

Great opening chapter. Loads of tension built out of a very simple story. The narration stands out. This style of narration is very difficult to carry off, as you address the reader so personally. But you have done it to perfection.

You tell an innocent tale and it is well written, but up to chapter six there’s no real core evident, no compelling plot, and that worries me. What is the story going to be about, eventually? However the names deriving from Saxon are very well chosen. One thing hit me between the eyes, though, when the “sky galleon” came into the story. That was unexpected. As was the telescope. Up to then it read like a story set in Saxon England. Finally, the ring in chapter seven suggested some inkling of a plot, but it took time to get there.

I like the narration and the period feel to this. The sky galleons stand at odds to this and I don’t know what kind of genre I’d say this is. The pace is very slow apart from chapter one, but the story is well told, if lacking in urgency. I’m backing this. Apologies for the delay in responding.

Jake Rowan wrote 635 days ago

Not sure about the slightly archaic and storyteller voice, but I guess it suits the narrative. The pace and content is excellent, and I think I would get used to the voice, but would suggest you keep a tight reign. Happy to give this some shelf time. Jake

CamilleS wrote 637 days ago

Backed!

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

lionel25 wrote 639 days ago

Stephen, I read your first chapter with interest. Very entertaining. Good writing style and skill. Only nit is with your line.... he hurled a shouted whisper in the wind. I think you can safely remove the "shouted."

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Cat091971 wrote 640 days ago

When I read this, I hear a narrator and see a Disney-esque scene play out in my head. I like your writing style and how you keep the reader curious so easily. Backed.

Cat
"Twisted"

Pen Power wrote 641 days ago

Stephen - you pitches are great. I knew what to expect and was not disappointed. The tension you build and the detail is excellent. You 'show' well and only ocassionally 'tell' and that is ok because the story flows beautifully.
Well done - backed with pleasure
Alice

Pen Power wrote 641 days ago

Stephen - you pitches are great. I knew what to expect and was not disappointed. The tension you build and the detail is excellent. You 'show' well and only ocassionally 'tell' and that is ok because the story flows beautifully.
Well done - backed with pleasure
Alice

MillieC wrote 646 days ago

You cast a spell on me, I am helpless to resist...Yes, there are a few tense errors (run instead of ran), but overall I am spellbound. You write with such skill and an easiness of prose that I am drawn into the story as a child around the fire listens to the bard.
Backed, and I will be back to read more...
Millie C x

Valley Woman wrote 647 days ago

You start off your story with a lot of action and you keep building on the excitment. Then in the second chapter you carefully weave in a little back story, not too much, so that we can feel more intimate with the characters. I'm not sure why there were bandits in the woods or what the girl's story is (I guess I should re-read the synopsis), but I'm sure I'll find out.

This is a pleasure to shelve.

Patricia
All Saints' Day

zan wrote 651 days ago

Lords of Cloud and Storm

Stephen Lucek

A boy is lost in a storm, his life the plaything of people unseen and unknown, his world one where loyalty is rewarded with treachery and betrayal. Are you sure this is YA? Are you sure this is fantasy? I like your portrait of this simple woodsman's boy and his world - am not usually drawn to fantasy but your view of civilization even in a fantasy world, is extremely engaging.

Jodi Louise Nicholls wrote 651 days ago

You have a great voice for naration. I enjoyed reading your first chapter.

The best of luck with this.

Kind regards,

Jodi
x-Evalesco-x

R.A. Baker wrote 653 days ago

A very charming tale. You certainly draw the reader in with detailed exposition and narrative. The light, breezy and detached writing style pleasantly reminds me of the old fashioned stories of the the past. Your young adult audience should enjoy this story.

Diane60 wrote 655 days ago

Stephen,
Have read the first 5 chapters. Slow developing narrative with heavy descriptions i was waiting for more oomph and punch. What you have here is well written but maybe you can make it more lively? Just my thought.

:)
Diane

Su Dan wrote 656 days ago

brillant fantasy written with skill. good narrative, describing the events very well...i shall back...
read SEASONS...

Stephen Lucek wrote 656 days ago

Wow! Heartfelt thanks for your detailed comments. They are very helpful, and I agree with them all, mostly in full, otherwise at least in part.

the flying sailing ships are wonderful (and would be more so, had I not read 'Stardust' and seen the film quite recently)



Whilst I admit to being very much indebted to Neil Gaiman’s Stardust, it is indirectly. The inspiration for the skyships isn’t even the earlier (and excellent) Spiral series of books by Michael Scott-Rohan, with a ship crewed by immortals sailing on a sea of cloud.

The real source of inspiration for the skyships is Airfix. As a kid I loved to make Airfix models, battleships most of all. Airfix did a very fine range of ships, all of which were full hull. Many other manufactures made what is known as waterline models, i.e. only the ship above water. Which I found squat and ugly, where as a full hull model was sleek and elegant. Difficult for playing with, though, as pushing them around the kitchen floor, they just didn’t balance. But if in your imagination the ships flew, then that unleashed a whole new world of play!

And if you have a moment to seek out photographs on the Web of USS Iowa firing a broadside, the inspiration for the fire and flames is clear.

Many, many thanks again.
Stephen Lucek

HarrietG wrote 657 days ago

Stephen,

you backed my book so I've returned the read. Its beginning is excellent: no time wasted in exposition just straight in to the action and let the characters show themselves by their words and deeds. It's one of the best starts to a fantasy novel I've read in ages. Later on, the flying sailing ships are wonderful (and would be more so, had I not read 'Stardust' and seen the film quite recently). But you mix them up rather nicely with lots of naval and historical detail (I recognised a lot of names...) borrowed from the real world and set your own mark on upon them. The whole book has a very visual style (worth a big FX budget when the film's made!) and the central characters are engaging and, thankfully, intelligent. I enjoyed the politics, which were dealt with sensibly and the practical nature of the fantasy. You've given some thought to how this world works and that shows through in the story. The story itself is fun, and works nicely within the conventions of the genre (hidden hero, princess in distress, princess in disguise) and rises above it with the strength of those characters. Sensible hero and two clever princesses!

I backed this because I think it well worth reading, having done so to the end. I urge others to do so that they might form their own opinions. But I do have comments and reservations about it, concerning the both style and structure.

First, style: Good story, very good ideas but sometimes the narrator's voice got in the way. Like this: And oh, how this reader struggled with that voice. And how arch and wearisome became that tone at times. No, I am being a little too unkind to drive home my point but I urge you, read it aloud - or have a dear friend or relative do so - and see how it sounds. Use that voice upon occasion for effect but not all the time. In fact, you do mostly abandon it later, once Aurora comes along, and for myself I think the writing better for it. It's back by the very end... (See notes below on points of view). Also dialogue, do people, even princesses sorting out the destinies of kingdoms, really talk as Raenwyn does in ch39?

Second, pace: this needs to be varied across the book. It's hard to describe exactly what I mean by this but this is the best I can do: At the moment it reads at much the same speed throughout. It should speed up when there's a battle and slow down when Aeodan is in his cabin studying a map.

third, detail: here less really is more. Especially in the college scenes. That took up a lot of time without really driving the plot forward. I got quite easily that he was brilliant but held back by attitudes about his class and found myself skipping. (If you haven't read 'A wizard of Earthsea' I recommend it as an example of how to manage that sort of thing (not for the magic but how to imply a world in a marvellous economy of words and scenes). If you have, then reread it - in fact, reread it anyway: it can stand any number of readings.)

Lastly, the much debated point of 'show' versus 'tell'. You tell. Well, to my mind that's not a problem in itself: no one talks about 'storyshowing'. But it does put a distance between the characters and the readers. You tell me about the landscapes and you tell me what Aeodan is thinking and use much the same voice for each. Consider the effect and decide if you are using third person or omniscient narrator for point of view. I think you are aiming for omniscient narrator, which is the classic fairytale, storytelling voice (and used in most books written up to the end of the 19th C). However, you do need to watch out for the point of view changing as often it moves into third person (the preferred 20th C voice). At these times we are mostly in Aeodan's head: we see what he sees, and know what he thinks. But sometimes it slips again, as at beginning ch29: the phrase 'with an irony that escaped Aeodan' suddenly views him from outside. A moment or so later we are back inside his head. This is very jarring. Similarly, in ch35, we are suddenly in Aurora's pov for a paragraph. These jolts happen reasonably often.

minor nitpicks:
my bugbear is 'disinterested' (ch17). It means 'impartial'. You use it, as do so many others, to mean 'uninterested'. Please don't!

There are a few typos (not many), mostly of the word substitution variety ('quiet' for 'quite' ch 23) and as a spellchecker won't spot these, you need to. 'outmanoeuvered' and 'outwitted' are both usually written as one word, not two.

Punctuation needs a little more attention: make sure you use commas around names or titles (including 'sir') in speech; often you use a full stop instead of comma or other mark before closing inverted commas around speech. If a line of dialogue is followed by a tag then you need a comma and small s for said; hence, ' "That will be the Devastation," said Aurora.' . Likewise, use a comma before a line of speech: 'Aurora announced, "That will be the Devastation."'

And watch out for apostrophes. You don't need one in 'for the pirates fired at that moment' but you do need one for 'debtors' prison' both ch24.

The definite article: decide if you want to say 'Acteon' or 'the Acteon'. Using both at different times, especially in the same sentence is jarring.

Both the Royal Navy ship and the Greek hero she was named for are 'Bellerophon' (note spelling).

I'll stop there, or you won't believe me when I say I enjoyed this. I did however - I'd not have spent so long in reading and then thinking about it had I not. I don't spend this much time or effort nitpicking things that I wouldn't buy in a finished state in Blackwells - I'd buy this! Please remember all these are merely my own thoughts. I read, a lot, and have strong opinions but it is your book and in the end all this has only as much weight as you choose to put upon it.

Best wishes and good luck with your writing, Harriet

Lisa Scullard wrote 659 days ago

The opening chapter is great - sets up expectation for the rest of the story. Had a dip further in and seems to be consistent, so well done :)

Sorry I'm so far behind on catching up my reads - wishing you all the best, Lisa (Death And The City)

J.S.Watts wrote 659 days ago

A very fine tale, told with elegance and style and not a little wit.

One nit. In the last chapter, the fourth sentence should read "it would BE she..." - you are missing the 'be'.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

tisseurdecontes wrote 660 days ago

Three chapters read (so far). This is well written and engaging. When I read a story and see it in my mind like a film, I feel that the author has succeeded in drawing me into the story. You have done that and more. I love the style of the writing and language. I will be reading more.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Lynne Ellison wrote 660 days ago

A very intereseting read; this belongs among the great chkildren's fantasies

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze MIrror

TheMoorecroftDazzlers wrote 660 days ago

Wow!
You have a pace and style that perfectly nail the edgy vibe my 5 teenage nephews (and I) crave. I would so get this book for them, but read it first, not want to part with it and then have to get them their own copy...:-)

So far, only to Chapter 7 and it is really terrific. Will be back for more!

KB
(mischievous lady moorecroft)

DDickson wrote 660 days ago

Hello – Just so that you know, I tend to comment as I read, as if I was thinking aloud, and I don’t crit grammar etc. because there are plenty of people who are much better qualified that I on this site. If I have read your book and commented it is because I enjoyed it and truly believe it has value and so I don’t often make negative comments. The exception is if you have specifically asked me to read and then I believe that you deserve an honest opinion.

Sorry it has taken me a while to get to this – life interfering with fun again!!

Lords of Cloud and Storm

Nice cover and although your short pitch worked for me I thought that the first para of the long pitch could be pepped up a bit – it did read like a list of ingredients. I am intrigued by the premise however and detect a wry sort of humour here which I think I am going to enjoy.

My very first thought is that you have this listed as Young Adult and the beginning seems quite young in tone – more childrens literature. As I have already mentioned I comment as I read and so this may be me being a little premature but a Young Adult in a bookshop may possibly think that same and pass on your work. I do want to say though that I immediately love your style and your prose is very appealing.

You have stated that the boy does not know his way home today but then bingo he finds the girl and takes her to his hut, I wonder if a quick comment about how he suddenly finds his way would be helpful.

The pace is very good, almost breathless at times and this is complimented by the style of writing which is, as you have said, like a fairy tale. I think that you could do with a sweep for repetition because at times you seem to overuse the terms “the boy” and “the girl”. I imagine that you are still editing and I am sure all this stuff will be improved as you work on this.

Ch 2. the term “dead beat” doesn’t seem to me to sit well with the style of this writing it is too modern and slangy.

I would love to hear this read aloud by a lovely classical actor. It is a different style and you have handled it well in my opinion. I am happy to put this on my shelf and wish you the best of luck with this unusual work. – Diane



lcowden wrote 661 days ago

Hey Stephen, first things first, I think your style of writing is great, although took me a couple of sentences to figure out where you were going with it, since I didn't read your pitch. A fairytale, I got it. The first chapter is well written, although you are doing a considerable amount of telling which I'm not a huge fan of. I like to be put in the action, a little more dialogue would help this. Another quibble I had and might just be me. I was put off by the overuse of the phrase "the boy" and "the girl" mix it up a little, use him or her, if you're not inclined to tell the reader the names of the two yet. Overall I think it could use some work, but will back it for potential;) Ittyl leah

D. L. Stroupe wrote 662 days ago

I'm enjoying this, and its "fairy tale in style" voice. They say show, don't tell, but you're telling it so very nicely that it must be the mythical "happy medium." In any case, I like it. Backed.

Jayge wrote 662 days ago

An unusual read, but enjoyable. I can imagine the tale here being told late at night around a campfire. Evocative writing with an archaic edge, it remind me a little of some of the Tolkien tales. Good to read something different - good luck. Backed. Jacqui

Rakhi wrote 663 days ago

I like the theme very much- a wonderful way to visit love, honour, command and duty. There is just the right amount of mystery and fear to captivate the audience. Your writing is crisp, the pacing is quick and characters magical.
Backed earlier.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Ferdi wrote 663 days ago

Backed

Ferdi
A Bed of Thorns

M. A. McRae. wrote 664 days ago

I love the almost gentle style in which you weave your story, - entirely suited to a fairy-tale. A couple of very minor points, both in Ch 1: 'Nor was his danger what was currently... ' I think you can do better than 'what.' and 'the last was his imaging'; Did you mean 'imagining?'
Lovely book-cover, nicely written. Backed.

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