Book Jacket

 

rank 1143
word count 237772
date submitted 17.07.2010
date updated 29.03.2011
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Romance
classification: universal
incomplete

The Devil's Debt

Marnie Perry

A desperate runaway, a naive tourist, a ruthless killer, an embittered ex cop, all meet in this story of trust and betrayel, revenge and love.

 

After years of drudgery and servitude to her demanding mother, shy, reserved Adela Faraday is finally free and embarks on a longed for vacation, touring the southern states of America.
In Alabama she meets Jonas Lando, an embittered hermit, haunted by the death of his wife. She also rescues a young girl on the run from the powerful but sadistic Dashiel Glissando. Adela manages to get the girl out of the country then continues with her tour. But an enraged Glissando enlists the help of a hitman to track down both Adela and the girl. Sterling Hennessey tracks her to her next port of call, Mississippi, and there befriends her hoping to illicit information the easy way before he does what he's been paid to do.
But the dispassionate, heartless killer is not prepared for the feelings she engenders in him, feelings of respect, protectiveness and affection.
Then something happens that causes him to act quickly and he kidnaps Adela, she escapes and seeks refuge in the home of Jonas Lando. It’s not long before Glissando’s men come calling and Adela has to decide whom to trust, the troubled and tormented Lando or Hennessey, a ruthless, cold blooded killer.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

on 2 watchlists

51 comments

 

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
PCreturned wrote 416 days ago

Hi Marnie,

as promised, I'm here to peek at your work. Sorry it took a day or 2. Things have been v hectic here. :(

I'll comment as I read, since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. + you can simply ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

Chapter 1: OK I'm going to really nitpick your start for a bit.

I think there are a few small things we can improve with the 1st paragraph. While we know this is set in Alabama, starting by saying "less than a hundred miles away" sounds a bit odd unless the location's been mentioned in the body of the text.

I also think interior monologue works better when it's slipped in as unobtrusively as possible. Mentioning "asking herself" and using quotation marks may pull the reader out of the story a bit.

Last thing on this paragraph, I promise. I'd suggest showing more and telling less. eg "How she longed for..." is you telling the reader a fact. If you can find a way to show this information to the reader, they'll be more involved with your character and more involved with your story too.

Taking all the above into account, I'd suggest something like "Less than a hundred miles from Alban, Adela Faraday was standing on the shimmering pavement, squinting against the July sunlight. How did anybody put up with this? The heat was just so overpowering. She shook her head. A little good old English rain would be a blessing right now."

Reading on. I think you do a good job of portraying the heat and making us feel sorry for Adela. I can almost picture her sweat and hear her skin sizzling.

1 thing, though. I think your story would be even more vivid if you could get us into Adela's head more. When writing this sort of story, I think it can really help to filter everything through your POV character's senses. That way we can see what she sees, smell what she smells, and just generally experience everything she experiences. I think it would make for a more involving read.

eg "the sweat pouring down her bright red face" is an external view. I'd try and portray this through alberta's senses with something like "Wetness ran down Alberta's burning cheeks.."

This approach can, if you wish, be applied to your entire manuscript. I'll shut up about it now, though. I've already banged on too much. :(

Reading on. Aha it appears she's on holiday and regretting the timing. Poor Alberta. I like the "skyscraper" hair description. V vivid. Nice interaction with the waitress too. Good, believable dialogue. :)

Talking of dialogue, though, I've 1 suggestion. Lead off with it wherever possible, as it should make your dialogue read faster and easier.

eg instead of " Jill asked, "Have you..." " I'd suggest " "Have you been in Alabama long, Ma'am?" Jill said."

Reading on. Sounds like she's had a big win that completely changed her life. No wonder she seemed like a fish out of water. Hey, maybe she won the Nigerian lottery! ;)

Believable backstory. And I like the interaction with a concerned Sally. I almost laughed when I read Alberta worries about sleeping naked in case of a fire. I've thought that before when in a neurotic mood.

Then we get an ominous ending, foreshadowing disaster. Just who is this Joshua, and how will he affect her life? The end of the chapter leaves me wanting to read on and find out. ;)

OK I've just realised my comment's getting pretty long, so I'll try not to go on much more and bore you. I'll sum up here. :)

I enjoyed your story, and think you've done an especially good job of portraying the sheer crushing heat and humidity of the southern states in summer. As a result, i really do feel sorry for Alberta. I also like the fact you leave us with a dangling hook. After the slow buildup, the foreshadowing of disaster comes like a slap to the face. It's nicely done.

I've rated your story highly. I do hope you keep working at and polishing it as I'd love to see your book in a shop some day. :)

Best of luck with it,

Pete x

Dirk Hudson wrote 451 days ago

Beautifully written! I love the complexity oozing from the main protagonists. Best of uck finding a publisher. Dirk.

Marita A. Hansen wrote 455 days ago

It's been a while since I've read the first two versions of the beginning, but I must say, this has come along even more nicely. I only had time for one chapter today, but really did enjoy it. Adela is a nice character. I hate the heat too. After all, Singapore is extremely hot, so I sympathise with Adela.

I thought your first chapter was nicely structured, giving me enough info on Adela's situation and also making the story enjoyable. In particular, her mother's dialogue made me laugh. I liked how you interjected a bit of humor here. You also had good descriptions of the characters and their personalities, especially Adela's brother who I could just imagine, as well as Jill.

There was only one nitpick, and it's extremely minor. The beginning of some of the dialogue wasn't capitalised. Now, if that's my only nitpick that's pretty damn good. You have got a reall nice start here, and I'm sure there is going to be some honey of a guy for Adela coming up in the next chapter. All the best, Marita.

Brian Bandell wrote 458 days ago

Adela is an interesting character. She seems nice enough and the way you describe her makes her sound at least average-looking, so it's a puzzle that she hasn't met a man. It appears to do with her self confidence.

I am confused by some of her decisions. Knowing that Lando has killed someone and he's mean to her, why would she want to follow him? Shouldn't she want to keep him far away?

Your writing style is strong and you describe people and places very well. Don't forget to mix in the sense of smell, especially in the forest and around food.

Because you call this a thriller, I would expect the pace of action to be faster. The first chapter ends on a bit of a downer with her simply falling asleep. That's not exactly a page-turner. In the second chapter, you include some mundane motions like taking a shower. If it doesn't advance the plot, leave it out. Just say the next day she was in the forest and skip all the meaningless stuff she did during the morning. Bring the action out sooner in the novel. Thriller readers are not patient.

This has great promise so I will back it.

Brian

curiousturtle wrote 472 days ago

Marnie,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The jewel of this narrative is of course, Adele's psychological map. Here we have the map of a heroine that ebbs and flows with the surroundings, much like a chameleon changes color with the local vegetation.

And as she does, the confetti like opinions cascade through.

So you have 2 styles working for you. First there is the atmospheric journalism proper of travelogue writers. But then mixed in, you have the post modern style of the likes of Foster Wallace/Eggers/Safran of creating this potpourris of opinions bathed in original language:

.....I do this....I do that....I think this....I think that....

a voice that always flirts with the idea that....

....this is the mind....this is the control button.....from time to time....it might not work properly....lol

and is that mix of styles within a single voice what constitutes the jewel of your narrative....

Some of my favorite confetti:

"a lobster, a lobster...."
I like that kind of repetition because it adds urgency...

"having been broiled"

"out of a montage of bad ones"

"fair skinned, pasty....."

"but her figure....."
that kind of self deprecation is well...endearing

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"Jill's expression" "contempt for foreigners"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling and instead use body language
why?
Because if you label, the reader reads
If you describe, the reader feels.

Also, I think if you make a name count, you would probably find that the name "Adele" is repeated a zillion times. A bit of the "she' rather than Adela might help

Let me know if that helps,

Overall wonderful

david

missyfleming_22 wrote 554 days ago

I went into this prepared to give a real helpful comment and critique. I got involved about a third of the way into chapter 1 and just ended chapter 7! Just stopping to share my thoughts with you.

This is a great story! I love Adele, I could really feel her shyness and awkwardness. Hennessey is also an interesting person to read about. A nice example of a character we want to figure out, is he good? is he bad? will he be the hero at the end of this? It makes him believable in a way.

I think you've nailed your descriptions of the South (I'm from there originally so we always capitalize it haha). The heat, the slow way of life, the dialogue, it all reminded me of being there. So nice job on that. The first chapter, I could FEEL the heat like Adele. I'm like that now when I go back!

The story is moving a long great, I like Hennessey and Glissando trailing Adele and Olivia. I'm hoping they can stay one step ahead but I'm also wondering the true why of what is going on. I think you've got a few twists and surprises in store for us. Which is good. I'll finish the last two chapters and give you an awesome star rank. I will get you on my shelf eventually because this book is pretty exciting.

I did see some errors but like I said, I was involved and kind of skipped over them. Just general grammar errors, punctuation and all that. I think a good hard edit should solve that. I forget where they were...

Keep up the good work, I see a ton of potential here!
Missy

WriterGurl1 wrote 574 days ago

Hi Marnie,
The Devil's Debt is a great read. I like Adela as your MC and find her introspection humorous and real. Your dialog flows well. A great read and a few edits will fix any minor punctuation mistakes (we all have them). I am backing your book and look forward to hearing your thoughts on mine.
Sincerely, Heidi
(An Unexpected Obsession)

Joel Juedes wrote 574 days ago

Good storyline, great voice. Adela is a character readers can easily identify with. It's smooth and full of feeling. The one thing you might want to look into is the use of the word "had" when reaching back in time. It slows down the read. Usually one or two can set the stage just fine, and you can climb back into the present. The reader will connect the dots. Other than that--fantastic! The pacing, the characters. I wish you all the luck in the world,
Joel Juedes- Purple Eyes

CarolinaAl wrote 576 days ago

A gripping and well thought out thriller. Memorable characters. Tense relationships. Pictureque settings. A good balance of dialogue and narrative. Impressive storyline. Smooth writing. A compelling read. Backed.

Pia wrote 577 days ago

Marnie -

The Devil's Debt - I like the premise, and the character of Adele, her thoughts. All very engaging. In your next round of edit you could take out some repetitions (I call it the writer's trance) to improve flow. Chapter 1, para starting. ... Adela found herself disappointed. She had thought she had ... next para ... she had thought ... Alittle sculpting will do it. The story is very much worth the effort.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Andrew Burans wrote 592 days ago

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Adela. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Pamela Wootton wrote 592 days ago

Hah, the American south, a nice adventure for Adele. Yes I like it very much. It is well written even though there are some problems with puntuation marksbeing in the wrong places,just like the rest of us on this site. Still nothing that a good edit won't solve. I believe this will go a long way as I can see you at the top and in print. Well done and good luck with your writing career.
Regards,
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

name falied moderation wrote 618 days ago

Dear Marnie


It is so good to see that your book was well received. I have already commented and backed your book, and as at times the backing have not shown, i will back your again, just to MAKE SURE.
I do wish you the very best with your writing

Denise
The Letter

SusieGulick wrote 619 days ago

You are totally fantastic, Marnie! :) How can I ever thank you for backing my memoir book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Alecia Stone wrote 641 days ago

Hi Marnie,

This is a compelling story. The chapter is a bit long but I still found it enticing to read. I really like your writing style; it’s engaging. I did notice a few punctuation and grammar errors, but a simple edit can do that.

I’m very surprised with the ranking. It should be much higher up, heading towards the ED. This is a great read. Don’t give up.

Shinzy :)

philip john wrote 645 days ago

This is all very well written Acutely observed with excellent dialogue. But I would agree with an earlier comment that your long pitch is effectively your prologue and you might want to give that some thought. But that is a minor quibble. Your writing is first class.

Best wishes Philip John

andrew skaife wrote 658 days ago

This is excellently written. Adela's discomfort and embarrassment is related beautifully and with a subtle hand on the authroial tiller.

BACKED

michaelgd wrote 665 days ago

While very, very, very long, this opening chapter is a punch in the gut! Incredible well done. Great narrative, better dialogue.

One thing though: You have such strong writing and an interesting opening line in your pitch, but then the actual pitch is nothing but the prologue.

Don't do that. Spend the time to write an actual pitch about the story and open with the prologue. This is too good for you to throw the prologue in as the pitch. It makes the reader feel cheated and you appear lazy.

You may also want to consider breaking this first chapter into smaller bites. I saw several places in the chapter where you can easily break this into probably two or three smaller chapters. Oh, and get rid of all that white space at the end of the chapter. It made getting to the comment box an even longer trial.

I am backing this on your abilities and a good story.

Best of luck cleaning up that pitch!
Mike

Linda Lou wrote 667 days ago

hullo Marnie. I am very familiar with the South as you will see when you look at my book. I do know HOT. Your story line is flowing very well. Look forward to the rest. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Jim Darcy wrote 668 days ago

Tried to leave a comment yesterday but it wouldn't register. :)
Well written and evocative, description is enough to ground the reader rather than swamp them in detail.
Little tidy up needed, especiallly ensuring that all speech begins with a capital letter.
Regards, Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Christina McClean wrote 668 days ago

Reminds me of dreaming, Adelas meeting with Jona, her getting lost in the forest, their confrontation, the deer, the animals. I find Adela compelling and want to know more about her and her future relationship with Jonas. There are strong threads, the anger in Jonas, the feeling of being lost in Adela, how are they going to be resolved. You have a wonderful story to be told here I feel. I know it need s tightening up but nothing a few rereads will sort out.
Very happy to back
Christina
From Under the Bed

Christina McClean wrote 668 days ago

Reminds me of dreaming, Adelas meeting with Jona, her getting lost in the forest, their confrontation, the deer, the animals. I find Adela compelling and want to know more about her and her future relationship with Jonas. There are strong threads, the anger in Jonas, the feeling of being lost in Adela, how are they going to be resolved. You have a wonderful story to be told here I feel. I know it need s tightening up but nothing a few rereads will sort out.
Very happy to back
Christina
From Under the Bed

Christina McClean wrote 668 days ago

Reminds me of dreaming, Adelas meeting with Jona, her getting lost in the forest, their confrontation, the deer, the animals. I find Adela compelling and want to know more about her and her future relationship with Jonas. There are strong threads, the anger in Jonas, the feeling of being lost in Adela, how are they going to be resolved. You have a wonderful story to be told here I feel. I know it need s tightening up but nothing a few rereads will sort out.
Very happy to back
Christina
From Under the Bed

Craig Ellis wrote 669 days ago

Great characters and dialogue, and a well described world. I like Adela. She is very human.

You start your last six paragraphs with "She". Might want to mix it up a bit. Still, an excellent book! Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Telegraph wrote 671 days ago

A facinating read with plished charcters and rich diolouge. C W

DP Walker wrote 671 days ago

Hi Marnie
You have a great story developing here and I thought your pitch was really compelling. The story developed nicely with some nice descriptions. I noticed you have a load of paragraphs beginning with 'she' and I would try to mix it up a bit if you can as it makes it a bit unwieldy. Overall, a good read though.
DP Walker
Five Dares

wespollet wrote 671 days ago

Hi Marnie, I had a hard time getting into the story, (not to nit-pick) but noted some mispelled words and to me the wording was a little awkard as I read some sentences several times to understand what you were saying. You spent many hours I'm sure and overall I like these chapters. I BACK the book. Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

yasmin esack wrote 673 days ago

Exciting and well written.

Pitch error betrayal not betrayel

A pleasure to read this very fine work of literary fiction

backed
THE THIRD EYE

tojo wrote 673 days ago

I liked very much the two chapters, but theres the problem only two chapters, give us more please.

J.S.Watts wrote 674 days ago

Nicely written, but a surprisingly slow opening for a thriller. By the end of chapter 1 it felt like it was beginning to drag a little. Perhaps you could save some of the back story for a later chapter or ditto the description?

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Amy R wrote 674 days ago

I like this. I am confident in the characters, like the dialog, your descriptions are clean and enticing. My only hesitation and I HATE to say this because I knew how I felt when someone said it to me. I want this to be chapter two.

I want the rush of adrenaline, the pounding heart of the summary I read. I am in no way stating that you are not a fabulous writer, as I stated above. I thoroughly enjoyed this. However, I finished wanting...to be terrified or intrigued. Instead I am walking away with a warm smile and a mild curiosity. In Chapter two you do start to bring in the tension I just think it needs to happen sooner.

BACKED with promise.

KEEP WRITING...

AmyR
Trust Me

chasecarrig wrote 674 days ago

A well written, smooth and easy to read piece. Well done. Backed.

Chase

slh68 wrote 675 days ago

I put The Devil`s Debt on my WL a couple of days ago, until I got round to reading it, after the other`s I had to read. This is a well written story, with a good, strong, main character. I`m intrigued as to what is going to happen, and I can`t wait to read more, so could you please let me know when you put more chapter`s up. I will back this when I reshuffle my bookshelf.

Best wishes

Sarah Louise

name falied moderation wrote 675 days ago

Dear MArnie
What an incredibly well crafted book. This is not my genre however I crossed over to find talent that I could learn from and I found your book and therefore more. You have a gift for painting your characters so vivid that it makes them feel real, it also makes them take over the head ( they need to leave my head now. ha! CONGRATS ON THIS
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
I do hope you will review my book, comment and most of all BACK it. but either way the BEST of luck with yours
Denise
The Letter

andrew skaife wrote 675 days ago

Backed but comments will have to wait. I write them up by hand and then type them up but time is getting away from me so look for them tomorrow or day after, Cheers.

Barry Wenlock wrote 675 days ago

Hi Marnie, I liked your story very much. A good style and pace and your dialogue is pretty tight. I don't require a book to belt along, so this suited me. Think of cutting down some sentences to the bone. Your pitch is good.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

lynn clayton wrote 676 days ago

Laughed at the thought of Daniel being in admin in the BNP. I love the cafe scene though I think it could be trimmed a little until we get to Mr Lando. Not cut drastically because it has a very nice aura and sets the scene beautifully for someone like me who knows very little about America.
I thought there were a few too many passive clauses -eg-'There was a smattering of people occupying tables...'. 'A smattering of people occupied' sounds better.
Great potential. Backed. lynn

Despinas1 wrote 676 days ago

An absolutely brilliant pitch that hooked me enough to want to purchase this book from a bookstore, had it been on sale. Marnie your writing is outstanding, and I commend you.
I wish you all the success in the world.
Sincerely
Helen
The Last Dream

Laurie A Will wrote 676 days ago

Marnie,

Great title and a riveting pitch. I knew I had to read this when I read it. You write well. The problem I see is that you promise us a thriller, but most of the first chapter is dull and seems too long. Unless absolutely necessary backstory should be eliminiated from the first chapter (some say the first 50 pages). The backstory made the chapter drag. It doesn't pick up until the gunshot scares Adela and her confrontation with Mr. Lando. That was great. I'm not sure what the point of the scene in the cafe except to establish background information that could easily be included later. Only give the reader what need to know to move on with the story. The same as the scene afterwards with her in her cabin and going to bed. What does the reader need to know this? If there are parts in the first two sections that the read does need to know then I reccommend you shorten them and make it a little more exciting. Don't let the reader put the book down! You have the skill. I think first chapters are the hardest to write.

Backed without hesitation.

Laurie - Into The Master's Lair

cutley wrote 676 days ago

Welcome. I hope this thread on the forum helps: http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/posts_new.aspx?threadId=58801

Charles

lizjrnm wrote 676 days ago

You sure have a knack for pulling the reader right straight into the story proper. Well crafted so far and certainly my kind of book. I'd buy this.

Backed
Liz
The Cheech Room

J.S.Watts wrote 676 days ago

Like the pitch. This is on my watchlist and I hope to read it in the next three to four days.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Crowel wrote 676 days ago

I read your pitch and thought that it sounded very interesting and if you take a look at my book I think you'll see why I was captivated by yours. I really didn't mean to read this far but as soon as Jonas Lando made his appearance I was hooked. He's frightening and alluring and I can't wait to read more about him. Well written, good dialogue... I'm backing you.

Lacey.

blueboy wrote 676 days ago

Interesting prose. The voice is strong and you have a good intuition for story telling. I have not read enought to comment on plot strucuture, but based on the pitch and the first chapter I will back your manuscript. Please read some of my book when you have time and let me know what you think.


cheers
blueboy

soutexmex wrote 676 days ago

Welcome aboard, Marnie. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. The long pitch works but maybe end it with a question to grab the casual reader's eyes. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Burgio wrote 676 days ago

DEVIL’S DEBT
This is a good story. You have a good character in Adela. She’s likable and sympathetic because she’s so out of her usual world by coming to Alabama. Makes her easy to identify with and want to follow to see how this trip turns out for her. Her amazement at the number of guns people in the south carry makes this sound authentic (I’m always amazed at that too). Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 676 days ago

This is an excellent read and I would read through the whole thing given the chance. I cannot fault the work at all. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

name falied moderation wrote 676 days ago

Dear Marnie
You have created here a thrilling read, for sure. It was your short and long pitch that drew me to your book, so that worked really well. A suggestion for the long pitch would be to put in a para as it could seem a little long, when it is not. This may be the first read your potential publisher will have of your book, and I feel sure you will get one. CONGRATS on a well crafted book,, that i have not finished yet, but will continue.
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
I do hope you will review my book, comment and most of all BACK it. but either way the BEST of luck with yours
Denise
The Letter

SusieGulick wrote 676 days ago

Dear Marnie , I love, "when she woke up robbed or dead" - quite a statement - made me smile - when I wake up dead - I'll be with Jesus - "I Am the God of the living," God told Moses - yes, I will live eternally with Him. :) Wonderful intriguing story, you have - hope everyone lives happily ever after. :) I read your profile & if you come to book signing is Orange County in California by Disneyland, that' where I live, I'd love to mee you. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my 2 memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
backed :)
Love, Susie :)

berseba wrote 676 days ago
12