Urban Legends: In the Beginning

Brilliant, spine tingling, horrifically frightening book!
I agree wholeheartedly with Jim, this is like one of Stephen Kings earlier novels, tension filled, terrifying and ultimately brilliant, I am completely freaked out right now, this is not a book for night time reading..

Ch 1: Every legend has a beginning...very captivating start. You learn of the death of one person, but no names are given nor any reason for the death, you then get transported to a busy, albeit tranquil little cafe (pandora cafe...aptly named), where a shy and rather innocent boy is waiting to start his first shift...and that someone inside the cafe wants to kill him.
Why? Who? From this moment on I found myself studying the description of all the characters I was introduced to, to see whether or not I could figure out who wanted to do him harm and why. Meanwhile the tension is growing, this prickling sensation of something that going to happen, but what it is I don't know...

Prolonging the inevitable, and adding a rise to the already increasing tension, the reader then gets introduced to the characters, characters who aside from wotking in the same cafe, have next to nothing in common yet are somehow linked...
Justin sounds eager, naive and like a nice guy...but then, why does someone want to kill him? and who? The same person that killed the 'body'?
Tiffany Hawkins: My first impression of Tiffany was 'supermodel', she was very upfront, blunt, honest and nice...with a very close relationship to her sister, and hates her dad...why?
Eric: Yet another supermodel/ jock...but not the airhead you would think...
Roberto, I felt so sorry for him when he said his mother died and they all laughed!! although I was guilty of laughing too, but still!
Christina, beautiful but natural and lastly Carmen, with whom I got a depressed gothic feel from...
How are these diverse and completely different characters linked? You know that somehow they are, and that something is starting to stir...but as of yet are still completely unaware...

Now comes the fun part....
The deaths that are all so similar and yet so different, I thought maybe they were being targeted by one person but if that were so, how did all the deaths happen at the same time? And why are they, or rather their families being targeted? And why are the photos being taken? As evidence to convict these innocent people of the deaths of their loved ones or as some sadistic trophy the killer is collecting to remember their pain??

I won't write the comments I've done for the five chapters I've read, else this is going to go on forever, but I will say this to tie it up.
This is the best horror/thriller I have read since Stephen king, no joke, this is the best horror I've imagined since Urban Legends the movie, you've created a story line with imagainative characters and a detailed plot that draws the reader in with the macabre actions of a phychotic, unnamed and unreveiled character who is hell bent of destroying the lives of the members of a small cafe for reasons that are unknown...starting with the death of a sister and proceeding to the family members and loved ones of every one of them..

It is like being transported to a scene in Saw, trying to figure out who is committing the murders, why they are doing it, and who will be the next to go.

I will continue reading this and put more comments up, when it is a bit lighter outside....I am still trying to be rid of the goosebumps covering me from reading these first few chapters:).


Bron
The Endless Awakening

Wow, what an imagination you have, a Stephen King in the making! Nicely put together and shaping into an entertaining read. Dialogue comes across as sounding authentic an dhtere is enough description to let the reader see what is oging on without burying them in detail. (bad analogy, methinks! :)
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Hi Gavin,
I like what I've read of Urban Legends. The idea of this bizarre "haunted" town is a good one, and you set things up very well at the aptly named Pandora Cafe. The description of geography--benevolent Meadow Falls linked to malevolent Lakefield View by the Meadow reader some hope for Justin's future escape. The characters in the Pandora are all naturally unnatural, if you know what I mean. The behave as expected with a sinister underlying twist about them--this was very skilfully done. The end of the first chapter, of course, is a real screamer that leads the reader forward. My only suggestion so far is to lose the first part of the last sentence in your pitch ("Their personal lives are explored")--it will draw criticism from the purists for being written in passive voice and the sentence has nore power if you simply start with "Forgotten terrors of the past come to the surface...." Good luck with the book. Happy to back it.
Niobrara Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

Spooky stuff here. Love it! Happy to place you on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Sue50

I personally feel that it doesn't quite hang together seamlessly. Its' not quite horrifying, nor teen romance, or creepy horror, but hops between the three in different bits and flows from one to the other in a series of fits and starts.

Such as at the beginning, starting with an unseen murder, then a waiter job, then a love interest, and a "small" cafe, that somehow has five chefs, etc. etc.

IT describes them all in turn, but doesn't manage to bring them all together into one seamless narrative. It seems a bit blotchy.

That said a bit of a re-write should bring out a very interesting horror book from someone with talen for it.

Though I would suggest reading Lovecraft, for how to make the totally banal and normal get more and more creepy , gradually bit by bit, as you go along until you really believe that someone summonsed an Old God in his farmhouse shed, and it ate his children.

The first paragraph is very effective. It creates a nice, creepy feel to it and hooks your reader with the promise of a dark, scary story.

I really enjoyed your cast of characters. Eric, Justin, Tiffany, and Roberto make an interesting crew to read about. Their conversations felt authentic, and you've done a good job of making them three-dimensional.

The murder mystery was also a good hook. I love this type of novel, and I'm curious about where it's going.

I do have a few suggestions to help you improve this. Careful with your tense in the second paragraph. Should be: "On the ever-so-quiet street of Meadow Falls, where exotic and expensive houses made people..." Keep it past tense. My main suggestion, though, is to tighten this. At times I feel you use too many adverbs and adjectives to make your narrative sound better, but in reality, you're weighing down your sentences, slowing your pace, and making the flow clunky. Your writing is strong enough without adding extra words. Trim accordingly. I would also trim your dialogue tags. They're only supposed to be there to indicate who is speaking, but right now, they're making your conversations feel unrealistically slow. Ultimately, when cutting, ask yourself if what you have advances the plot or not. If it doesn't, then cut it.

Typo: You should have a comma instead of a period in, "So the chefs are the life of the party." Justin whispered..." Other than that, this is very well-edited.

In the end, this was a very solid beginning. With some polishing and trimming (you could cut about 1/4 of the opening chapter, and I believe it would be more effective), this will be even better. Good start!

Brilliant, spine tingling, horrifically frightening book!
I agree wholeheartedly with Jim, this is like one of Stephen Kings earlier novels, tension filled, terrifying and ultimately brilliant, I am completely freaked out right now, this is not a book for night time reading..

Ch 1: Every legend has a beginning...very captivating start. You learn of the death of one person, but no names are given nor any reason for the death, you then get transported to a busy, albeit tranquil little cafe (pandora cafe...aptly named), where a shy and rather innocent boy is waiting to start his first shift...and that someone inside the cafe wants to kill him.
Why? Who? From this moment on I found myself studying the description of all the characters I was introduced to, to see whether or not I could figure out who wanted to do him harm and why. Meanwhile the tension is growing, this prickling sensation of something that going to happen, but what it is I don't know...

Prolonging the inevitable, and adding a rise to the already increasing tension, the reader then gets introduced to the characters, characters who aside from wotking in the same cafe, have next to nothing in common yet are somehow linked...
Justin sounds eager, naive and like a nice guy...but then, why does someone want to kill him? and who? The same person that killed the 'body'?
Tiffany Hawkins: My first impression of Tiffany was 'supermodel', she was very upfront, blunt, honest and nice...with a very close relationship to her sister, and hates her dad...why?
Eric: Yet another supermodel/ jock...but not the airhead you would think...
Roberto, I felt so sorry for him when he said his mother died and they all laughed!! although I was guilty of laughing too, but still!
Christina, beautiful but natural and lastly Carmen, with whom I got a depressed gothic feel from...
How are these diverse and completely different characters linked? You know that somehow they are, and that something is starting to stir...but as of yet are still completely unaware...

Now comes the fun part....
The deaths that are all so similar and yet so different, I thought maybe they were being targeted by one person but if that were so, how did all the deaths happen at the same time? And why are they, or rather their families being targeted? And why are the photos being taken? As evidence to convict these innocent people of the deaths of their loved ones or as some sadistic trophy the killer is collecting to remember their pain??

I won't write the comments I've done for the five chapters I've read, else this is going to go on forever, but I will say this to tie it up.
This is the best horror/thriller I have read since Stephen king, no joke, this is the best horror I've imagined since Urban Legends the movie, you've created a story line with imagainative characters and a detailed plot that draws the reader in with the macabre actions of a phychotic, unnamed and unreveiled character who is hell bent of destroying the lives of the members of a small cafe for reasons that are unknown...starting with the death of a sister and proceeding to the family members and loved ones of every one of them..

It is like being transported to a scene in Saw, trying to figure out who is committing the murders, why they are doing it, and who will be the next to go.

I will continue reading this and put more comments up, when it is a bit lighter outside....I am still trying to be rid of the goosebumps covering me from reading these first few chapters:).


Bron
The Endless Awakening

'Only the unlucky few make it to old age.' - what a great line that is. Will comment when I've read further.
Cariad.

enjoyed reading and added to my watchlist to read at a later date. wondered if you would peek at my book and give me some feedback r/t us being in similiar genres. thanks.
kendra ziems/autumn lullaby

This is the kind of story I would buy for a long train journey! What I like is: 1) The good pitch: that always motivates people to read in the first place; 2) the air of tension you create; 3) the characters (who are Roberto, Tiffany and the others really?).
Will back as soon as I have shelf space.

Michael Clifford

Sometime in Andalusia

www.ten-minute-stories.com - Tales to read quickly but never forget

What a fantastic concept!! Certainly something King-esque about this...it will be definitely going on my bookshelf as the first chapter completely drew me in!!

LOVE this! Constantly enthralled by secrets and urban legends, the beginning of this book appeals to me curiosity. I have star-rated and WL "Urban Legends." You will be on my shelf when there is an opening.

Keep up the good writing work!
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Compeling short pitch. Placed Unrban Legends: In the Beginning on our watachlist.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Hi Gavin, was browsing through the books and came across yours. The concept intrigued me so I took a look at your opening chapter. The ideas behind the story are more than sound, but I do think a little judicious editing would improve it even further. I’ve outlined my thoughts below and hope they’re of use to you.

Descriptions: …creating a (fantasmic) array of jungle greens and browns. Very evocative
Nitpicks:
…when you live in Lakefield View there is no leaving (for good). I don’t think you need the bracketed words, the sentence carries more impact without them.
Syntax: Looking around (he’d) assumed… You’ve mixed past and present tenses here. “Looking” indicates the present, “he’d” indicates the past. Suggest: Looking around he assumed it would be the easiest…
Pov: …while strutting in high heels to the messy looking, yet baby faced Justin... You’ve switched to the woman’s pov by describing how Justin looks. “Head hopping” is generally frowned on these days, although some writers still do it.
“Hi (Justin), nice to meet you… This is a little confusing. Is this a typo or is he telling her his name? If so, why? She’s already asked if he’s Justin and he nodded in response. If not, it sounds as though he’s calling her Justin.
Syntax: Justin lost himself in his mental checklist that he forgot to stop… Suggest: Justin so lost
himself in his mental checklist that he forgot to stop….
Wordiness: …”You have worked as a waiter before, right?” Tiffany asked concerned, (walking to the kitchen and leading Justin to his destination). Suggest: “…You have worked as a waiter before, right?” Tiffany asked concerned, leading Justin to his destination.
Repetition & syntax: He took one look at a (waitress) spraying a table…then looked at a (waiter) who worked behind the till… Another (waitress) was collecting empty plates. The repetition makes this sentence read a bit like a list and the syntax is a little off. Suggest: He looked at a waitress spraying a table… then watched the guy working behind the till… Another girl/woman was collecting plates…

Thanks so much for the constructive criticism. I will be editing the first 12 chapters once I have completed Chapter 13, because I am now half-way complete. There are things I need to change, but your edits sound perfect so I will follow your advice. Thank you again, I appreciate your time reading it.

Gavin.

Hi Gavin, was browsing through the books and came across yours. The concept intrigued me so I took a look at your opening chapter. The ideas behind the story are more than sound, but I do think a little judicious editing would improve it even further. I’ve outlined my thoughts below and hope they’re of use to you.

Descriptions: …creating a (fantasmic) array of jungle greens and browns. Very evocative
Nitpicks:
…when you live in Lakefield View there is no leaving (for good). I don’t think you need the bracketed words, the sentence carries more impact without them.
Syntax: Looking around (he’d) assumed… You’ve mixed past and present tenses here. “Looking” indicates the present, “he’d” indicates the past. Suggest: Looking around he assumed it would be the easiest…
Pov: …while strutting in high heels to the messy looking, yet baby faced Justin... You’ve switched to the woman’s pov by describing how Justin looks. “Head hopping” is generally frowned on these days, although some writers still do it.
“Hi (Justin), nice to meet you… This is a little confusing. Is this a typo or is he telling her his name? If so, why? She’s already asked if he’s Justin and he nodded in response. If not, it sounds as though he’s calling her Justin.
Syntax: Justin lost himself in his mental checklist that he forgot to stop… Suggest: Justin so lost
himself in his mental checklist that he forgot to stop….
Wordiness: …”You have worked as a waiter before, right?” Tiffany asked concerned, (walking to the kitchen and leading Justin to his destination). Suggest: “…You have worked as a waiter before, right?” Tiffany asked concerned, leading Justin to his destination.
Repetition & syntax: He took one look at a (waitress) spraying a table…then looked at a (waiter) who worked behind the till… Another (waitress) was collecting empty plates. The repetition makes this sentence read a bit like a list and the syntax is a little off. Suggest: He looked at a waitress spraying a table… then watched the guy working behind the till… Another girl/woman was collecting plates…

Listen great age to start and keep gnawing away at them -there is magic in the genre and it has to be squeezed out like blood from a stone learn and reorientate to your own fine tuning no moment like then present -grab them. You are gifted and need to get grounded in the must needs of boring pulling rabbits out of hats.

Best wishes Richard

men of Dunwich

the Men of Dunwich

What a way to end a chapter: "and a head rolled out." Good story and well written. Backed.

I hope you will take a look at my novel, Earth Reaver. I would welcome any comments and your backing.

Herschel Shirley

Urban legends
The writing is good and the story flows wel
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

A masterfully crafted, spellbinding horror tale. Compelling characterization. Realistic dialogue. Quick paced action. Cunning writing. Backed.

I would be happy to back this for your great originality and atmospheric writing.
I wish you all the best, Sana
Saffire Drake and the Three Keys

Galvin, You have a vivid imagination and it is put to great use in the opening. The short sentences adds to the tension building and the character development is on point, best wishes with the book, I am certain it will do well.

Scott
Esrevinu

Gavin,
Urban Legends: In the Beginning is a riveting and terrifying account. The tension throughout holds the interest of the reader who is compelled to read on. It's certainly not something I would read to help me fall asleep. Your descriptions are vivid and detailed. They create clear images in the mind. Backed.

Hi Gavin
Firstly I would like to say you have some really good lines that stood out for me right away. Behind every hello is a goodbye – simple but effective and -Where exotic and expensive houses make people who didn’t live there feel bad.

You have some really good stuff here but there is a bit of overwriting that is slowing your story down.
Didn’t stop walking to the kitchen- she walked to the kitchen (If she didn’t stop she was moving)
Swiftly Justin closed the locker and locked it, placing the key in the kangaroo pocket of the apron and didn’t hesitate to walk straight to the exit? - Swiftly Justin closed his locker door and turned the key. Swiftly he headed for the exit.
Justin paid close attention to a shadow that moved awfully too fast to be something inanimate? This is a bit of an odd sentence, you could try – Justin’s attention was drawn to a shadow that passed too quickly to be an inanimate object

A tall boy moved back slightly re-opened the door and saw him stagger slightly – You use slightly twice in a short space of time. You don’t really need the second one, saw him stagger is enough.
Eric took a seat next to Justin and turned to him. Tiffany also hid her magazine and focused on Justin. – Justin didn’t have a magazine so why did Tiffany also hide one?
Early in the story you say it’s a small café but it has male and female showers with lockers and 5 waiting staff.
I think you should mention earlier that the woman who owned the café had disappeared years before. You just sort of drop that in passing. You have some really good stuff here and the opportunity to off set some of your scenes with foreshadowing to create some tension. I offer my advice based on at least 6 re edits on my own book since I posted it in January. I wish you lots of luck with it.
Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you can spare a moment to look at it

Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Gavin, What a good story teller you are. You have a natural talent and will be a great success as a writer. Your pace, character development and use of dialogue are flawless. You will go far young man! Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid.

I really like your pitch, it drew me in. This is a very gripping story, well written. I`m sure this will do well. Backed.

Sarah Louise.

Well written, you seem to have grasped the art of a horror writer. Slow build up with just enough tension to hold the interest... Backed with pleasure...

When I started reading it I was confused for the frist time but soon it unveiled in a very captive way. Love to read it.

Great one.

BAcked with wishes.

S. vinay kumar

This is deliciously spooky with a large dose of tautness that makes the reader want to know more.. love the concept and your writing style, which flows well.. the character's feel real, and the first few chapters are raw energy, pure and simple - good stuff! Backed!
Diane
Good Blood

Gavin - thanks so much for you comment on Pretty Eyes and White Lies. I have added your book to my watch list as the pitch is very exciting! I look forward to reading it soon.

This is good. It could do with a little edit (one or two tenses out of place, maybe a stray or uneeded adverb or two) but Im backing it for it's promise. It's a good read.

You've developed the steady build of tension in horror perfectly, and I found myself reading on despite almost not wanting to know what happens (I'm a scaredy-cat). You've got something really gripping, here, and for that alone it's on my shelf.

Abi xxx

Dear GAvin
such a book cover, and well crafted pitch...What a good book. I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished. I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

I think you have put together a brilliant mix here!
My intention was to read to the end of one, and then I got to the head rolling out and was hooked. Great characters and a great plot. This is developing it to a very good read!

This was pretty awesome! I love the way you blend horror into this and add just the right amount of suspense! It builds up the creepy at a good pace. It's a great premise for a book and your writing is really strong. You know how to tell a tale!

Missy

putting aside the title; l wonder if you could've used a different one.
you have state that this book is about the origins of urban legends. ln this sence you have and origial idea, written well. touch of editing. still good; on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Certainly modern and edgy - staccato style suits this just find. Christina is also a very well constructed character with the ability to make the reader care for her through your writing.

Read and enjoyed - backed accordingly

Awesome, pretty sure I already told you how fucking amazing this is sweetie, you're an awesome author and I love ya Twin! Love this story and you'd better keep writing because I totally want to read more :)
--Clara

Gavin
I Loved simple as leaving a short message so i can continue

Backed completely : )

Love this book, the best new book on here, the characters are all great!

Backed!!

Gavin: wishing you the best on this website. But remember the caveat: you can only get out of it what you put into it. My thoughts are this: both pitches work for this genre. BACKED!

I can use your comments on my novel when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Backed

Ferdi
A Bed of Thorns

Hi Gavin,
I like what I've read of Urban Legends. The idea of this bizarre "haunted" town is a good one, and you set things up very well at the aptly named Pandora Cafe. The description of geography--benevolent Meadow Falls linked to malevolent Lakefield View by the Meadow reader some hope for Justin's future escape. The characters in the Pandora are all naturally unnatural, if you know what I mean. The behave as expected with a sinister underlying twist about them--this was very skilfully done. The end of the first chapter, of course, is a real screamer that leads the reader forward. My only suggestion so far is to lose the first part of the last sentence in your pitch ("Their personal lives are explored")--it will draw criticism from the purists for being written in passive voice and the sentence has nore power if you simply start with "Forgotten terrors of the past come to the surface...." Good luck with the book. Happy to back it.
Niobrara Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

Lots of traps! good mystery and pace
Lara
Good for Him

Well I knew this book was worth reading before it was even on this website, having already read small teasers, I gotta say I love where the story is going and all of the characters are relateable, Tiffany being my favourite so far, her little nasty comments to people make me laugh.

I'm looking forward to where this story can go and can't wait to see how it will end! Backed!

Hi Gavin - I clicked on your book out of curiousity because I once thought of 'Urban Legends' as a title for a book before changing it to something else, but I have to say, having read yours I think you will do well whatever title you use, and I'm very pleased you have chosen this one! :)

Your writing is really confident and maintains pace and suspense, also you really know your central characters well, making it easier for the readers to identify with them. I like the description of the town at the beginning - when you give the setting a personality as well, it's easier to write about what goes on there. I found the same thing happened when I wrote my first novel aged 18. I've since used it as a background for lots of other stories.

I don't know if you've heard of 'Twin Peaks' the TV series (Kyle McLachlan - about 20 years ago) - that's a good example of a 'town with personality'. But I think yours is far better - the lead character is thrown straight into the action as it happens, instead of arriving later to unravel the aftermath as happened in Twin Peaks.

When you have a complete manuscript the next step is to get hold of The Writer's And Artist's Yearbook and start approaching agents to get your work circulating - a good reference for how agents do business for authors is 'How To Get A Literary Agent' by Michael Larsen (I ordered mine from Amazon, but a bookshop would be able to source it too). As well as setting out the protocol and how things work, it's also an entertaining read in its own right. Most agents only start with reading the first three chapters, or a covering letter - after which they invite the book for consideration if they like the sound of it. The reason it's important to have finished is they'll want to see the rest if they really like it, or know a publisher looking for this type of thing - and an author who promptly delivers is their favourite kind.

Don't worry too much about language and formatting for now - agents will say in their submission guidelines if they want it fully proof-read before submitting (most will give their own advice so it's not necessary), and they will also state how the presentation should be done. What they're looking for is your style and originality.

I hope this is useful, and if you have any questions about approaching agents or publishers directly, just drop me a message, or check out some of HarperCollins' own advice threads in the Forum or FAQ's on the site.

Best wishes, Lisa Scullard (Death And The City)

Oh and Gavin I just love the book cover, yes I have alittle fetish about book cover, you have a great one
Denise
The Letter

Dear Gavin, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
Here is the response I received from authonomy concerning backing:
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved."

Dear Gavin
like a few others , I have finished this read only to find I cannot find the backing that I did. I think your book is worth the time it takes to back it again, so here goes.BACKED FOR SURE by me and the VERY best ofluck Lets hope it registers for you
Denise
The Letter

Nice read. I'm not a critic, just a mere scriptwriter - however I can appreciate a good narrative, and enjoy a great visual. Yours should be a movie. :-)

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

Excellent work. A gripping edge-of-the-seat thriller with elements of classic horror. Best of luck Gavin, backed with pleasure.

Jack Hughes
Dawn of Shadows

This is my kind of book- it's also well written and polished! backed on imagination and talented writing!

Liz
The Cheech Room

I have read a lot of YA fiction on this site since I joined some six weeks ago or so but a lot of it has been arbitrary and conventional. Yours is something that little bit different. You have a handle on character building that most don't have an a literary style to your writing that seems a little more sophisticated.

BACKED