Spawn Of Lilith

HCG “Spawn of Lilith”

Sorry it took so long, life’s been a little hectic, but I’m here to review “Spawn of Lilith”

Brilliant, well-written, loved reading every minute of it. Having witnessed an accident somewhat similar I do know how it feels through the old lady’s eyes. It was like reliving it all over again.

As I continued on I couldn’t turn away. Backed and starred well

Laura B

Horror Critique Group Review - Spawn of Lilith

Sorry for the lateness of my review.
Wow love the opening chapter. Like a movie the action appears without telling us how we got here. It's got power and effect, and to me the writing style feels really polished.
The second chapter really draws you into this mystic, symbolic world, but like a previous reviewer has put, I'll have to read more before I can accept the connection between the Catholic/Arthurian subjects.
The mythos of Lilith is quite interesting to me, having had her as a character in a piece I wrote (I envisioned her looking like Fairuza Balk) so the tale definitely has an appeal to me.
Overall, loving the style so far and will continue reading. :)

fun packed, excited narrative

great work

Horror Critique Group Review

Aidan,

I really like the basic story idea of Lilith and this age old battle. However, it jarred me when the Lady of the Lake showed up. She is so linked with the Arthurian legend that it threw me out of the story. It seems as though you are trying to incorporate too much. You’ve got Lilith’s story nicely fleshed out without having that in there.

Later you have “George” talking to Cora, he says he has been told that she has been there since he arrived. When was he told this? Didn’t he just wake up?

I’ve read up to chapter 9. I like the premise of the story, and the flow of it. Some of your sentence structure seems clunky at times and a bit overwrought. But with some editing could be really fantastic.

Chapter 9 needs some polishing. I’m not an editor, so I won’t presume to tell you how to edit.

Overall, a solid story that I enjoyed reading.

HCG Review
.This is certainly one of the most unique books i have read. straight from the start it draws the reader
into the strange world , but wrote to sound so real. From the start it makes the reader ask questions which makes you want to read on. The only thing i can see that was wrong was i think a few commas was missed but that could just be me. The other thing i noticed is what mhebler has already pointed out so I'm not going to repeat it.
over all i think this has a amazing first few chapters and hope the rest is just as good. Highly rated book
Terence.

HCG Review - "Spawn of Lilith"

The novel immediately jumps into the deep end, which is a great way for this story to start. The imagery is very well defined and the novel's somber mood is clear. Well done so far.

There were some melodramatic moments, which seemed unclear as to whether they were intentional or not, particularly in some of the dialogue. This is not in reference to demons and angels speaking but in Cora's dialogue in Chapter 1, just as an example.

Some sentences don't flow as well as others, which causes re-reading to get a clearer idea of what is being explained, and slows down the pacing. Much of this just has to do with sentences being too elaborate and tweaking them to be more simply structured, or using more precise adjectives.

While on the subject of adjectives, be careful of over use and also using the same word twice in one sentence. A couple examples of this would be in Chapter 2, "…sixteen naked men who groveled naked before her…" This is overuse as you've described the men as being naked twice in the sentence. "…struggling as an unseen force, forced him to open…" It is recommended to find a new word for one of the two "force" words.

There is a good story amidst some clutter that needs to be cleared out. Nice start.

Michael Hebler - "Night of the Chupacabra"

Ok, back for part two...

I'll start with a question, was this written from start to finish, or were the chapters sketched out and then written out of order?

The reason I ask is that these two chapters, 47 and 50, flow really well and read with greater ease than the earlier two. All four chapters appear relatively short but I flew through these, didn't spot any glaring typos, and found the pace and intensity to have really stepped up a gear. It's as though you've found your voice as you've worked through the book.

Both chapters are well written with some nice touches, and the action is quite deftly handled. If I do have any suggestion it is that I believe in your ability to such an extent that I'm sure you could flesh these chapters out a little. The climax of the story works well but I would have liked a bit more of a back and forth tussle. Not to the cliched extent of us thinking it's over and then Lillith coming back one last time, but perhaps a nasty injury or two to George. He seemed to come out of it quite well considering.

In summary the four chapters I have read come across as good solid foundations that although not quite the finished article should be quite straightforward to edit into a very competent and laudable novel. I see quite a few comments on the site advocating a strip it down, less is more, approach, but personally I prefer detail in my reading matter and I think you could expand your descriptions here and there. I also felt that in some places a little more dialogue to tell us what is happening through the words of your characters rather than describing it in your narrative could be something you could consider.

Hope all that helps, I enjoyed what I read but I know you are after constructive feedback so that's what I've tried to give.

Best wishes,

James

I read the first few chapters and found them to be very strong. You have a very interesting and entertaining story that I have thoroughly enjoyed. I've given you 6 stars. Good Luck!

Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

HCG Review Part 1

After Aidan requested that I read some selected chapters I have now read Chapters 4 and 13 and will read and comment on the other two later.

Chapter 4 is very atmospheric and doesn't suffer from being read without having looked at the preceding three chapters. The imagery of the burning trees draws a nice parallel with the bodies found in the house and we are led to wonder what force could have caused such injuries.

Jumping forward to Chapter 13 we have another section which stands well on it's own. The premise behind the chapter appears sound and I would expect that it slots into the story quite nicely. Unfortunately there were a few typos in this section which detracted from the reading as I found myself making notes here and there as I read (drop me an email, the address is on my profile, and I'll happily reply with a few notes on the ones I spotted). There were also a few other minor issues with this chapter that stopped it from attaining the heights I'm sure it could achieve with a bit of an edit. First, Barbara hasn't spoken for years, so how would it feel to her to suddenly cry out, would it be painful, would she croak at first and then be capable of yelling? There is also a comment that Norman hadn't heard her voice before but he had heard her shout out earlier in the chapter.

Overall these two chapters show a lot of promise, they just need that promise realising with a bit of polish and a few small inconsistencies to be ironed out. It's hard to make a judgement on the story when dipping into something like this but having said that I can sense that there is a well plotted story here with a number of interwoven strands. I would also say that the writer has a sufficient imagination to pull off a horror story of the highest calibre once a good edit has pulled some of the looser elements into shape.

As ever these are just one persons opinion but seriously, there are the seeds of something good here, that's blatantly clear, but from what I've read it isn't quite there yet. I would also say don't hold back, Chapter 13 builds nicely but the attack, from both Norman and then Barbara's perspective, is over quite quickly. You've marked this as adult so I think you could take it up a notch.

Part 2 will follow shortly!

James

H C G Review.
Really enjoyed chapter 1. Great start, straight into action. Very graphic descriptions and good believable dialogue. Chapter 2 continued to keep my interest and was well described and the action flowed extremely well. Enjoyed the account of the young priest and Lileth, very good. Chapter 3 read very well and was very enjoyable. All in all I was happy with the results and found this story entertaining.

Christian

“Horror Critique Group Review”

SPAWN OF LILITH


It’s an interesting storyline, Aidan, and one I read into chapter three before things became a little confusing for me.
But first, in the second chapter, we are with the accident victim as he awakes hovering over monks in a monastery or great hall, and from this point on we see what he sees, and then he hovers over more monks outside with Lilith. But this is where you change from the accident victim’s point of view to the one remaining monk’s point of view. This didn’t really throw me as some rapid POV changes do, but you need to insert a line-break to move us from one POV to another. It helps the reader realise he/she is being moved around the scene from one character to another.
In the fifth paragraph of chapter three, you have two characters using dialogue; you need to split this as each of them speaks. Plus, a little later you’re tagging John at the end of the AV’s (Accident victim’s) line of dialogue...
The man shook his head. “It ... makes no ... sense, I’m ... so ... confused.” John looked compassionately. (That end-tag should be at the start of John’s next line of dialogue.)
And it happens again in the next paragraph... (The man raised his hand...) is the AV’s action, and should be attributed to what he next says.
As I read on in this chapter, you do this a number of times, and I’m not saying it’s hard to work out where we are or who we are with, but an agent would not accept this as a polished manuscript. Agents not looking for reasons to publish a new author’s work, they’re looking for reasons not to publish it.

Best of luck, Aidan,
Mark.

HCG Review

I can't make up my mind about this one. I think you have envisioned an excellent story and there are long sequences here that read extremely well and at a publishable level.

Every so often there will be an odd turn of phrase or an unusual adaptive use of a word.

This makes the story stop and the writing exercise takes over.

If you can attend to that, I think you have a winner here. You have a strong voice and a richly imagined story.

Great concept and it has potential to be a great novel. I'd keep to first person point of view with one character. Watch your present and past tense. You write well and have a good flow to the work. Avoid the minor habit of using a formulaic concept and create more of your own. Keep up the good work.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Hi Aidan, for me, the whole first chapter is a cliche. By that I mean the situation and the characters have been seen before. I'll change the first paragraph and you can see what I mean. I hope.

The old woman stopped, the shopping bag slipped from her grasp. Heat shimmered off the pavement and the street. Her eyes are blank, starring at nothing in front of her. Then, the air began to waver and flow like ripples on a pond. There is no sound, no birds, no cars, just silence as if real life had turned to stone.

All I meant when I said it was full of cliches was the imagery you used for some of your descriptions. When I edit my work, I read the sentence and see if I can make the imagery better or different. Sorry if I caused you any problems, it's just something which has become a habit now. Good luck with this. I wouldn't go too crazy making changes, maybe only a few words here and there to make the picture a little different.
Rick

HCG

Your imagination is vast and your story is strong with a good pase, but i didn't like the way you changed you POV to another charter in each chapter, it felt a little disorientating and took me a few sentences to work out which charter i was following story wise. That said it seems you've done your historical research when it comes to the theme of your book and your description of Lilth was not only enthralling, but wonderfully layered as any demon who spawed the monsters of the world and seduces the holyest of gods men would be, very well written :-)

Hi Aidan. This is how you might change the second chapter to first person. It gives the scene a different feel that I think might work better.

Orange light cavorts across my closed eye lids. The scent of incense mixed with damp assails my nose. Heavy footsteps echo, I must be in a large space.

Just a thought, but it feels more personal and I think the reader is drawn closer to the character and the situation.
Rick

Hi Aidan. This is a HCG review of Spawn of Lilith. The story is solid and pulls the reader along. I'm not an expert and unless everybody else says the same thing, please feel free to ignore what I say here. I'm not interested in puntuation mistakes so I don't mention them unless they spoil the flow of the work or there are so many they can't be ignored.

Pitches - the short pitch is very good and if I saw it on a book in a shop I'd be interested, but the long pitch is too long and conveluted. Retain the details, names and places, but put more suspense into it.

Ch 1 - up to when the policeman takes the statement, there are many cliches without giving the reader a great deal of information. This isn't a bad thing, but what I'm trying to say is that the scenes could be clearer and more vivid. Try to reduce the wordiness and overly flowery word play when describing a scene. The first sentence of the last paragraph is a different tense than the rest of the paragraph, I think.

Ch 2 - I think from the second paragraph on would be better and more vivid in the present tense.
- in the first paragraph, his eyes are closed so how can he see the stone walls etc.
- in the fourth paragraph, the wording was confusing to me. I wasn't sure of what was happening and I had to stop several times. The last sentence - A warning surged within him - I think this needs to be worded a little differently.
- the sentence - observed the carnage she had wreaked - might it be more correct to say - had wrought.
- there were many places when the sentences became wordy and often confusing with dual descriptions or analogies.

Ch 3 - the conversation between Cora Brown and the nurse is confusing. There should be a seperate line for each speaker, which continues in that paragraph until the next speaker starts. It's an editing issue and nothing more.

Okay, now that you're bleeding and groggy on the floor, let me tell you what I really think. As a reader, I did find most of the first 3 chapters hard to read. The story is great, but there are just too many words which don't need to be there to convey the story. Maybe it's just me.
I also think that much of the first 3 chapters would be better in a first person point of view. This could open the door to showing the feelings of the characters and giving better descriptions. It's good the way it is, but could be better.
Overall, I was very interested in the story. It has an interesting and compelling antagonist in the form of Lilith. Who knows what cave I've been living in all my life, but it has only been in the last ten years that I heard the story of Lilith. I think you have a good style and with some editing, this is a book which will be popular. I'll come back another day to read further. Keep up the good work and I look forward to more.
If anything I said here seems harsh or if it is not clear, I appologize. My intent is to give an opinion based on my reading history and ability and not to sound overly critical. I hope that you can find some use for my words, whatever that may be. Good Luck.
Rick.

Read a book about Lillith once. Do not know who it was by and cant find it on Amazon or ebay. Might have not been called Lillith. All irrelevant by the way. What is relevant is that this is good, I like it, I have starred it, and I have shelved it.

An interesting, intriguing, highly imaginative read. Charachters and scene descriptions are hooking and quite engaging. The book is excellent and well written with narrative at high pace. Highly rated.

Hi Aidan,

I was drawn to your story by your pitch. I’m a big fan of dark fantasy fiction.

Some things I found:

Pitches:
In the short pitch, you don’t need that dash. I really does nothing for you.

“…even his name is a gift from a kind old woman.” This needs to be clearer.

I’m intrigue, but there’s way too much back story in the pitches. Keep it to the hooks.

Chapter One
There should be a comma after “Aghast”

From what I’ve heard, publishers hate the overuse of semicolons. They’re supposedly distracting. Just thought I’d mention, since you have a lot of them.

“Rapidly a deathly…” reword. This is clunky with two “ly” adverbs on top of each other like this.

Eliminate wordiness…”she found she couldn’t breathe” can simply be “she couldn’t breathe”

Great imagery of this creature!

I love the action…and the imagery. You have a great way with words. I think there are spots that need some scrubbing, but the pacing and writing are very good. High stars for sure.

If you get the chance, I’d invite you to check out my pitch and read more if it interests you. Might be a good fit, as many have also classified it as a dark fantasy of sorts. I’d love to know your thoughts.

Good luck with this and all the best!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

9
Short, sweet and punchy - Like it
10
One of the marshalls is missing an L
The sentence about Ivy on the walls doesn't read right.
11
I really like this chapter and it has lots of good dialouge
You've put covenent where I think it's supposed to be covet.
Didn't see that coming, good scene
"The residents of the village stopped what they were doing watching the emergency vehicle...." Some punctuation or rewording needed on this one I think.

There are a few places where commas and other punctuation are in the wrong place or missing. Overall a very good read so far and this by no means put me off.

Really enjoyng this story now and getting into it. Are there elements of real local legends in chapter 7? It's really good. Here are some things I noted but as always, I might be talking rubbish because I don't really know what I'm doing. I was reading on the kindle and made bad notes in pencil, I hope they make sense to you.
5 and 6 are uploaded twice but in these I had:
Not sure you need "hello" when he answers the phone. Repetition of Roland Price, maybe on one use the first name and on the other the last name. "that 16 residents are" might read better as "16 residents"

7
Brilliant chapter
I have scribbled. Suspected, insert comma. According to legend, not sure what that relates to though.

8
repetition of Roland.

I'm sure all will be revealed but I can't help but think your first chapter should come later in the book.

I hope that was useful and thanks
Mark

4
I have a couple of comments from this one. Take them as you will.
The first is the repeat of rain in the first 2 sentences. The second is I'm not too sure about the tolkein and mythical tales of ages gone. Third - 'A streak of lightening' rather than 'an abrupt steak of lightening.'
Sorry, I'm in mad editing mode at the minute. It's shaping up well and a good read. The paragraph which starts 'she screamed again, ...' is brill.
Mark

Hi Aidan

Like you, this is the polar opposite of my genre and I've only read maybe 4/5 horror books in my entire life, but I liked your opening.

'She stood motionless; unable to move' - I don't think you need the 'unable to move' following the motionless, but that's just my opinion. Seeing the accident through the eyes of Cora was fresh, it works better than if you'd have just told us generically.

I like how you've weaved in different religions into this, although I did feel myself disconnecting a bit towards the end of chapter 2. I wanted to see the un-named victim's perception of all of this, but I liked the way it linked into the next chapter. It's almost like a dream sequence had happened. And I loved the name John Lock. Being a Lost fan it made me smile and having Cora there again was a nice touch.

There were a couple of places where I'd normally expect to see commas that were missing, but otherwise I found the technical things like grammar and punctuation etc to be sound. Your dialogue was good, more-so in chapter 3, but maybe because I could relate to that more where it was in familiar surroundings than in chapter 2.

Generously starred, and good luck with this. You might want to check out the forums, I *think* there's a horror group somewhere and even though it's not what I normally read, I think this will do well.

Silva

Chapter 3
I know my crits aren't the best, I find gammar and the such hard work to get right myself so can't comment on that. The story hwever is progressing nicely. I like the introdution of characters in this chater and I think the pace is about right as it held my attention all the way.

Firstly, thanks for the comments. I'm storing them up for the 2nd edit (the harsh one)
Just got to the end of chapter 2 and want to read on, and will shortly; so that's a good sign. I'm really liking the bringing together of old and new religions aspect If I was to be picky I'd say there's one clunky sentence , about the monks and their hoods,
I also like that it's set quite near me but that's irrelevent really.
Overall, I'm looking forward to reading more and will comment as I do (If I have anything worthwhile to say :))
Mark

This is really good. The opening chapter is powerful. The supernatural scene in chapter two is great. It's a little strange that he's dreaming that is essentially a flashback in the story, but I'm sure that is explained later. You did a great job of establishing Lilith as a dangerous foe early on.

I like him waking up in chapter 3. The young man waiting for him as amusing dialog, but I'm not clear on who is is and why the hospital allowed him in the room. Does the injured many have any wounds that are still healing?

This is a good one and I'm happy to back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

An interesting tale, interweaving many different myths and legends. Highly imaginative.

I like the contrast of modern day traffic accident and historical/horror setting.

On the negative side, I sometimes felt that the prose was trying a bit too hard, particularly when it comes to descriptive sections. A more laid back, less adjective and adverb driven style would work better for me.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

Hi...I think you should end chapter one with: "Do you know what hospital they're taking him to?" That would end the chapter with a bit of a mystery...why does she care? Is she going to visit him? If so, why? But the officer's response kind of answers the question for me and leaves me flat. Smoke and mirrors! It's what writing is all about. Keep us on the edge of our seat--always wanting more--always needing to turn that page. Best of luck. Please review The Zero Line. J. Kinkade

Hi Aiden. I'm a sucker for stories about Lillith, so you had me wanting to read it from the moment I heard the title. Yet, as I perused the piece, the demon was a murderer instead of a succubus. I thought, since the title is called "Spawn of Lillith," the demon would seduce people as its Mother did.

Nits:

I'd start with revising the book's description, as there's a comma splice in the first sentence and an unneeded exclamation point in the first paragraph.

As for the book's beginning, I'd start with a hook instead of just an old woman plodding along. Also, you repeated "1." which makes me think twice about reading it as the novel's just begun and Iv'e already found a bunch of mistakes.

Paragraph 2 has a comma splice. I'd fix that. "looking" should start the sentence, in my opinion. I'd revise the run-on sentence is paragraph 3, also. Plus, I'd include a comma after "Transfixed." I'd include a comma after "Eyes wide' as well. In fact, the only time I wouldn't include a comma after a phrase that opens a sentence is when the phrase starts with a preposition and is only two or three words. That's the easiest way I know to remember it. I won't keep pointing this out, but I'd go over the whole manuscript and revise these errors. I'd also watch the comma splices all the way through and make sure there's a comma before a name, for instance: "Did you see what happened madam?" I'd put a comma before "madam." Also, it's "all right" instead of "alright" and I'd drop or at least limit the "-self" words.

Honestly, there were so many errors I had a hard time getting into the tome, but the basic story structure I liked. With a lot of work and revision, I think your tale could shine.

Backed Spawn of Lilith. The suspense and fast paced action of the first chapter pulls the reader into the plot. Good job with dialogue. When you find time to revise we suggest editing for punctuation and capitalization. We are getting ready to correct a few errors in our book also.

Example
1. Comma Error- A bitter chill clung in the air, caressing her rosy check and she craved the warmth of her fire side and nice cup of tea when she got home.
2. Correction- A bitter chill clung in the air, caressing her rosy check, and she craved the warmth of her fire side and nice cup of tea when she got home.

Example
1. Comma Error-Mounting the pavement the van ploughed head on into the waiting
pedestrian .
2. Correction-Mounting the pavement, the van ploughed head on into the waiting
pedestrian.

Example
1. Capitalization error-The Officer looked compassionately shaking his head.
2. Correction- The officer looked compassionately shaking his head.

Good Luck on Authonomy. Hope you will take a look at our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Love your work! Happy to BACK. If you get a chance, hope you'll take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Thanks.
Sue50

Ch 1 things that I chewed on or my nitty nit picks. Ignore these if u want!!lol
I would replace The elderly woman with-
An elderly woman- "the" makes it sound to the reader as if we already know her, which I've never met her before:)
Overwhelmed by a sudden dread- I'd remove the word "a" it reads a little clumsy- and is overwhelmed with sudden dread for what? Why does she feel this way? She hasn't seen anything yet.and you might be saying "but I say it's unseen" unless we are told later that she has magical powers to forsee things, then I might nix it all together:) realism unless granny has seen lots of people get hit by cars crossing the street then she's not going too feel that, unless the guys carrying a walking cane obv blind or drunk stumbling in the road:)lol
The woman looked aghast? I think I mean appeared as if the reader is seeing her, not as she is watching:)
How close in proximity is the woman with all that's happening would she notice that the driver of the out of control van has a pasty face?
And you begin the next two paragraphs with she watched, the woman watched, mix it up a bit:)That's all that settled for now:) maybe back for more on Ch 1, on to 2? If this seems a little blunt its bcause I'm typing from my blackberry! Not as good as my laptop to pad things:):)lol ttys:)

Ch 1 things that I chewed on or my nitty nit picks. Ignore these if u want!!lol
I would replace The elderly woman with-
An elderly woman- "the" makes it sound to the reader as if we already know her, which I've never met her before:)
Overwhelmed by a sudden dread- I'd remove the word "a" it reads a little clumsy- and is overwhelmed with sudden dread for what? Why does she feel this way? She hasn't seen anything yet.and you might be saying "but I say it's unseen" unless we are told later that she has magical powers to forsee things, then I might nix it all together:) realism unless granny has seen lots of people get hit by cars crossing the street then she's not going too feel that, unless the guys carrying a walking cane obv blind or drunk stumbling in the road:)lol
The woman looked aghast? I think I mean appeared as if the reader is seeing her, not as she is watching:)
How close in proximity is the woman with all that's happening would she notice that the driver of the out of control van has a pasty face?
And you begin the next two paragraphs with she watched, the woman watched, mix it up a bit:)That's all that settled for now:) maybe back for more on Ch 1, on to 2? If this seems a little blunt its bcause I'm typing from my blackberry! Not as good as my laptop to pad things:):)lol ttys:)

Hey Aiden:) Okay I just read your first chapter and starting your second. I usually comment on each as I go so you'll be getting another one from me. I like the way Ch 1 ended, in my mind I thought the elderly woman might be possessed the way she stared off in the distance and wondered what hospital he would be at. that was my hook... only to feel a little dissappointed to flip to ch 2 and have a switch. I haven't read that far in so maybe you get back to her, if not I might shorten her part a little.

Ch 1

You write beautifully a little exaggerated for me at times though. By chapter one I'm a little confused about the settings time, 1920s the future...you get my drift, I'm making assumptions I know there's a van so not before cars:) At first I thought the elderly woman might be walking down a long road at night, alone without people. This obv isn't the case but as a reader I don't want to find that out later, the reason being I have set the scene already in my own mind. You don't want your reader to do that. Make her smell the night air, hear morning birds on her walk through crowds of city people...grip the shit out of her coffee cup as the van smashes the poor fella...something to let the reader know what time of day/ kind of place we are in:):) Sight sound and smell....horror needs these feelings desperately to take the reader out of our boring lives and on this journey that we will never experience. Overall besides these small things, your first Chapter is good. I'll be back:) Leah

Drawn right in! Religious history, terror, evil and fate. Will definetely finish. 6 starred and added to watchlist to be moved to shelf soon.

This is really good. You manage to make Barbara a very complex and scary character. Love the mental institution setting in the beginning. And also love the supernatural and religious angle you write about. 5 stars and good luck.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

Sounds very interesting. I believe Lillith was some how involved in the Adam and Eve's downfall. You Biblical hint probably picks up on that during the story. Backed and look forward to reading.
Dina of 33 and Halo of the Damned

You write from the heart, that,s why I backed your book. I feel the mark of a good writer is passion and truth. That comes through in your writing. I love the dark element. I've tried to capture this in my writing of children's literature.......they are fascinated with spookiness! You've had a tough time. I hope things start to improve for you. Good luck.
Colleen

I'm so sorry it has taken me this long to read your book. I try to read a goodly chunk of anything so I do lag behind. Please bear in mind I can only comment as a reader - so take anything I say with a very large pinch of salt!
Your subject matter is great - perfect horror material. Tiamat (or one of her acolytes) plays a part in my own book and an even larger one in the sequel, so we're singing from the same hymn sheet. :)
All the elements are here - you've got a good cast of characters, great setting, fabulous spooky backstory...

I do wonder if you have a similar problem to me - in the structure of this. At the moment it feels just a bit disjointed. I also did wonder if it were a little overwritten in places. Chapter One in particular felt as if it were trying just that bit too hard. Maybe watch out for vague phrases - overwhelmed with dread; stifling atmosphere; obscure wings; seemingly burnt... what are we actually seeing, smelling, hearing, feeling? Horror - to my mind - need to be visceral. We need to feel physically involved, as well as emotionally and psychically! Engage all the senses.
Ginny pulling out her foundation sounds a bit old-fashioned - she's not that old, is she? Mebbe a lipstick?
I liked Chapter Four - it almost felt as if this were a natural starting place for the book. Hmm, except you need George to be run over except (sorry, thinking as I go along!) I guess we don't HAVE to see it. Ah heck..
Chapter five; thoughtful [look]? word missing? We learn a lot here (and also back in Chapter Two) and I do wonder if this is wise so far upfront in the book? IN fact, we already know there is a big mighty force of Good around who will, presumably, save the day?
I had a recent professional report on Samael and the editor said that in horror, it's best not to come out all guns blazing but to slide into it....to build up slowly, inexorably... That chimed with me - and I wonder if it might apply to your book too.
Anyhow...those, for what they're worth (and I fear not a lot at all) are my thoughts on the first dozen chapters....
All very best....Janex

A good start, straight into the action - but I would advise (if you don't mind me doing so!) to lengthen that opening a little in the interest of building atmosphere. Because the action comes in so quick, it's hard to place yourself in Cora's shoes - which in turn has the effect of reducing the suspense and shock when that young man is killed.

There are some punctuation and sentence structure issues - nothing an editor worth their salt couldn't patch up - but on the whole it's an enjoyable read. My only qualm is that it needs a little more atmosphere - take time to set the scene a little before the action rolls in, and you'll captivate us much more completely.

Hope any of this helps.

M

This book has ‘no messing around time’. There is a lot of information to take in straight away, which makes it a juicy read. Some of the jumps of scene could be a bit smoother, but it is a minor itch.
A good read for a dark and stormy night when the shadows are long and you cannot remember if you really locked that backdoor.

Aidan -

Spawn of Lillith - It's all there, a thrilling story. It would benefit from sculpting during your next edt. When action is foremost you might shorten sentences, for immediacy, or increased flow. To convey how I see this, here a few examples from the first paragraphs ... A crowd gathered, herding around the scene, eager to catch a glimpse of the victim ... The van driver ... a man close by tried to talk to him ... These are just snippets of examples. I'm no expert, but having read here for several months in genres I had not sought out before, I aquired an appreciation, even of horror, and also a sharp eye. I commented on and backed your other book, Troopers, some months ago. You got it in you. Resumed effort will pay off.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Hi Aidan, I'm reading your book and find it absolutely thrilling. Your character and scene descriptions drew me in immediately. Good luck with this. I'm backing your book and starring it.

Debbie Martin
THE TIMID HEART

Love, love, LOVE horror... Stuff that gives nightmares... I'm working on a horror novel now, but I'm better with feelings so I'm not sure how it will turn out... The story is very intriguing and I want to read more. I won't critique your book because I'm not editor material... I'm good with grammar and spelling, but that's about it, but I will continue to read and continue to post!!

Good luck!!
Liza
-Keepers

Your pitch is good and, as a horror reader, I would be interested in reading more.
The critique I can offer is that you really should tighten up your sentences. I know how hard it is to fight against a natural instinct to be verbose and flowery but really putting the effort into simple, clean writing is well worth it. Simple punctuation errors can make the reader pause in the wrong places and you should also give careful consideration to word choice. Sometimes the simplest choices are the most effective.
Best of luck.

Ooh, it's all very dark and brooding.

Perfect.

I think its a very intelligent read that, as a good book should, asks a lot of its reader. Extremely well-written and the pacing is excellent.

Backed.

This is a beautiful and haunting story, lyrical in its use of language and with excellent characters. It follows the more literary traditions of horror, creating imagery rather than simply splattering the reader with bucket-loads of gore. WiSpy has a point, there are a few sentences that could be trimmed or shortened to make them punchier but that's what editors and redrafts are for and, looking at the broad context, I see no reason why this shouldn't make a great horror novel.

From the point of view of selling it, however, that becomes much harder. I know for a fact that horror has always been a difficult genre to get into, simply because of the sheer level of competition from both established and up-and-coming horror writers. Many UK/US agents will generally have their 'stable' of horror writers which means openings are few and far between for newcomers. The bestsellers list shows there is a steady and reliable market for horror (thanks in no small part to Stephanie Meyer) but the big challenge is to find a way into it. And for that, I'm afraid, I can't help.

Hope that's useful (and not too depressing).

Good luck.

Jack

Hi again

Found chapter 2!

One example of the say it simpler thing -

"Ensuing her outburst was a shrilled laughter that contained no mirth"

something like "she cackled mirthlessly" or "the hag's shrill cackle echoed from the cave."

Maybe it's just a style preference - don't mean to be a pain, and it's not like I'm Hemingway - hope you find this useful!

Good luck with the book.

Hi

I like your dialogue in the first chapter - that is when the story starts to grab me. The premise of the first descriptive part is cool - but there is a lot of superfluous verbiage cohabitating with the predominant conceptual framework of the anecdote ... there are too many qualifiers, modifiers ... I would make it a bot simpler. If you get a chance, read STephen King's "On Writing" - for my money, he has excellent tips for writing - especially horror, which is your genre of choice. You have a good idea and your character of Dora is strong. The dialogue seems real - so if you can tighten up the other stuff, you will be good to go! I will read more, because the concept intrigues me :)