Rust Creek

Hi Jennifer,

I haven't seen you on authonomy for ages. I just spotted your profile again when I was wandering the website, so I came over to have a read of your book + leave a comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track.

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: sounds like Bethany's ripe to leave her small town. I don't think she hates it. I just think she wants some adventure/experiences in her life. Ah looks like she's just finished school for good. No wonder she's itching to be off for college. I liked her dialogue, by the way. Really makes her sound young and wide eyed. :)

Hmmm sounds like Jake flying the nest was a pretty traumatic experience for the family. He really made a clean break, didn't he? He must have hated his home town or his parents. Or both.

I like the description of Bethany’s room. You effortlessly show me she's been in that unchanging environment for a long time. Clever ;). Hmmm it seems Jake's callousness really impacted on Bethany’s life. Her parents came down hard on her, probably because they were afraid of losing her in the same way. No wonder she's thinking about escaping the nest.

I wonder what the party will be like. There's been a lot of anticipation. Will things get really wild? Wow lots of parked cars. There must be a hell of a crowd there. Amber's obviously not that popular with Bethany or Charlie. I feel a bit sorry for her. It's hardly her fault she's rich. Then again, she might be v spoiled, I guess. Oh yeah, from her dialogue and boasting it soon looks like she is a bit of a spoiled bitch. Fair enough. I'm glad she's disliked. ;)

Chapter 2: I like the switch to Charlie's POV. Lets us see the same event through different eyes. Ah I see why she dislikes Amber so much now. She has to work to get anything, and Amber gets handed everything on a plate. Hmmm looks like Bethany might have a crush on Blake. Cruel of Charlie to wind her up like that. Funny, though ;). Great following dialogue between the 2 girls. It bounces back and forth like a tennis ball over a net.

Poor Anna. Sounds like she desperately wants to leave, but her parents are trying to hold her back with guilt :(. Must be v tough for parents to let go, but I hope they eventually see the light and let her pursue her dreams.

Chapter 3: Amber really seems preoccupied. Oh she actually knows how much she's disliked and why. I feel a bit sorry for her now. The situation she's stuck in isn't her fault. In a way, she's got better reasons for wanting to leave than anybody else. From her thoughts, she really misses city life and her old friends.

Awww it was sweet of Bethany to make the effort to talk to her. Awkward conversation between the 2 of them. No wonder. Charlie's invisible presence almost hangs between them.

Uh oh bad luck when Amber tripped and knocked stuff on Charlie of all people. This could get nasty… Amber ignores the provocation and walks off, though. I think I like her more than Charlie now. I feel sorry for her when even Mack ignores her. This must have been what her life's been like for the entire time she's lived here. Can't be much fun being a pariah :(.By the end of the chapter, I can't blame her for wanting to leave the party.

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is quick and readable, and feels real. I especially like the way the switches of POV between chapters get us into your characters minds. Each character is so well drawn and distinct.

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I hope you get published. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete

This is a good story, J. I think you've done a very nice job on it. I read the first 4 chapters (short ones) and skimmed around a bit. Good work in my opinion. Best of luck with it.

I hit ch 40 cold. Here are my notes:

The first sentence creates tension in that the deep breath was needed. The reader asks why.

Assuming Buck is a horse

Assuming “he” is a love interest, must be recently initiated

I hope there was a set up for the weather/rain prior

No comma: “door and”

Ouch! Didn’t see the betrayal coming

Great tension: clattering hubcaps

What to you want…? Missing word

Good for her—strong. She's devestated but has dignity. I like her strength. Great character.

I have a suggestion I’ll leave in your messages.

Rust Creek takes the reader to Small Town, USA. Mom and apple pie seem swell, and what's more wistful than the end of summer? The end of childhood?

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School
(and home was an over-priced studio on the Lower East Side)
Mom, I want to come back.

Hi J

A lovely depiction of (very) small town life that is a bit more sensitive and observant than the usual teenage chicks and guys stuff. Nicely done. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

A testimony to the vagaries of every day living-some nice lines and well written.Backed with pleasure.

Richard

J.Long, Rust Creek,
I like the way this story puts me in mind of teenage years and young love. You've described the intensity well and that makes the writing good.
Just one or two pieces which might catch your eye when you re-read, such as: The end of Chapter 6 - 'When I finally collapsed onto my bed, I fell asleep almost immediately. As I sank into a deep sleep, images of the part and Mack's negligence flashed through my head'.
Would this read better as: 'When I finally collapsed onto my bed, images of the party and Mack's negligence flashed through my mind'? before writing about the final 'deep sleep'. Your writing, my meandering.
I like the story,so I'll back it and wish you all the best.
Backed,
Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

Macks end of school party gets of to a flying start with the bonfire, drinks and marshmellows. But all is not mellow with Bethany, Amber, Anna and Charlie in this interesting coming of age story. Bethany is stuck for words around Blake, Amber feels all alone, Charlie recoils at somebody's advances and Anna has a modelling job set up in the city, but doesn't know how to tell her parents she wants to leave Rust Creek.
Three angels but I don't think much of Charlie, the least likeable in the bunch but a great story emerging.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Somehow, I get the impression that the friendship between Bethany and Charlie doesn't quite extend to include Amber , 'Daddy would fly her home on a pink jet'. I see Charlie is the fixer, the go-getter, the extrovert. Now I'm not American, but I know the correct reaction to s'mores is not, 'Do you have any idea how much fat is in those things'. Better luck with Bethany and Blake, though both are so shy it's painful.

This is flawlessly young with everybody going round saying, "Hey!", and so American with its s'mores and 'dang it'. It fits the Chick-Lit / YA romance genre to a T. There's hardly a teenage girl who won't identify with one or more of this assortment of very different characters with their hang-ups, hopes, difficult families and itchy feet. The writing is lively and accomplished (just a few minor suggestions below) and though I'm not the target audience, I can see this is well worth backing.

Possible nits: 'This was my [the] last summer I would spend in my home town'. 'As I pulled into the driveway, I picked it [the handset] up'. 'my mom called ... I called [replied/responded]'. To prevent a slight repetition, consider this slight rewording, 'and outside, one of our calves called for its mother'. 'I kicked the ??? aside'. 'he's [he'd] just think I'm weird'. 'someone that [who] would be'.

J -

Rust Creek - the writing is fluent, enjoyable, authentic. I felt easily drawn into the lives of these young people, liking the pov changes and how they connect up. The theme of transition from home to college and into the wider world is highly relevant to teens. Best success.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

There's a huge market out there for teenage chik. lit. so I'm sure this will do well. You make good use of dialogue to tell the story so there's no sense of an authorial prescence coming between the reader and the characters. I'll make one suggestion, some of the sentences are a bit 'clunky' e. g Ch.16 "Of course some seniors that no one.....whatever they wanted." It might be an idea to do a self edit and iron out these over extended sentences - saying them out loud will give the idea of a more suitable length for your targt readership. Hope this helps.
Backed
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

This is a keenly written story. Very believable characters and vivid scenes. Thought provoking plot. Convincing dialogue. Confident writing. Backed.

Backed, with pleasure.

Carol

Hi J Long,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
The Mental Pause

Very nicely done. Well written and, as one who grew up in a small town in central MN (not far, probably, from Rust Creek), I can say you've done a good job of capturing the small town soap.

Solid writing that packs a gentle punch.

I love your writing style, and this is a great story so far. After it comes off my shelf, it will be staying on my watch list so that I can finish it. This is a book I would be thrilled to find in the bookstore, and would definitely buy it. Shelved ecstatically! Can't wait to see you in print.

Smoothly written and described well. Your story has a really warming, nostalgic feel to it that draws the reader in and hugs them. It feels like a labour of love. :)

I have 1 tiny suggestion, though. I hope thats OK:

Be wary of accidental repetition of words eg "This was my last summer I would spend in my hometown." It jars a little. This sentence would be better as "This was the last summer..." :)

I'm happy to back your book and wish you all the best with it. :)

Pete

I like the "natural" way you write. It makes for nice easy reading. You tell us in your profile some editing will be required of your when finished. It will be; you will probably do it several times. The only comment I can make is, write as you feel, take on board any constructive comments and edit.
It has the makings of a good story. I'm backing it.
All the best.

First person, but 4 different people being "I,' - it's a recipe for confusion. Why not simply put it in 3rd person?
You can still get as close to each person as you want. Competently written with few errors and typos. 'Gotten' is a word that is acceptable in some places, and regarded as poor speech or 'not a word' in other places of the world. With that in mind, it might be best avoided, the same as you'd avoid a local colloquialism.
Best of luck with your book. Marj.

Hi J,
Your excellent use of 'voice' keeps this flowing along at a lively pace. Very likable characters and sparkling dialogue.
Backed with pleasure, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

RUST Creek: Excellent voice(s) and intriguing premise. I think this will go over well with the YA crowd. Oh, and Minnesota is a great state. Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

P.S. Small towns and roads...we are on the same wavelength. :)

Good dialog. Wish I had time to read more and make a better comment, but in a rush! Backed.

Dear J Long, I like how your story is in the summer and in a small town. It is well written and deals with important topics...parents letting go...hopes...dreams...love and new commers who don't fit in. I really can't wait to read more and drift off to find out more in Rust Creek. I especially like how it deals with siblings and how parents re-act to one child because of another siblings choices. Great read. Happily backed. Best wishes, Julia x

My favorite part of the first chapter at least is the dialogue between Bethany and her mother. How many mothers and daughters all over the world have had this exact same crossroads? I cry when my babies move up one grade and they aren't remotely close to moving away. This book has the real tear-jerk effect for moms in particular! Backed on behalf of my mother and I!
Carrie
The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's Defeat

JL, I've just spent about forty minutes with "Rust Creek".
I've looked at parts of most chapters, but I have to say that it is very plainly targeted at the Young Adult market, and as a result I found it lacking in depth ... which is probably desirable for its intended market.
I had an attack of alphabetitis - I found that I was reading about ABC ... Amber, Bethany, Charlie, and then Anna, Blake, Chris ... or Crysta. So many under-differentiated young women (mostly women ... did you anywhere enter into first-person perspective with a man?) and I found it impossible without keeping careful track of the names to know who was 'speaking' or narrating at any one moment, they all seemed to have such very similar patterns of thought and speech.
I'm going to back this because it is plot and people-centred, and because it reads to me as if it would be very interesting to its primary target, young women in their mid to late teens.
Sorry I can't make a more detailed critique of the plot or structure. Your prose is fine - exactly what the market wants.
All best wishes
RT

A great job done. It works. Your target audience will love iot. Backed. Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

Nice story line, very gentle and perhaps even simple, like life in Minnesota would be? One suggestion, though. Remember that teen readers give you about five seconds to attract their attention. Consider throwing some extremely unusual action or teasing with, oh, I don't know, that image of Amber and Charlie almost fighting at the party, right up front on your first page and then switching to action over apple pie and how Anna wants to leave and loves her mother, so forth. Just to grab the reader and then slow the pace and telling of the tale down.

Rust Creek
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Hi J, This captures the ebullience of these seniors and their social anxieties. The barn party brings back high school; I could feel the roaming of the crowd. Bethany and Amber are nicely drawn and seem to represent the opposite of poles. It’s a firm start, good dialogue that furthers story. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

"Summer was finally here, and with it was the opportunity of a life time." Yeah, I get some time to read this intriguing book. Does Daddy really have a pink jet? Backed for now. I'll be back and read a little more. "It's never too late to start new traditions, you know."

J: I read Ch 19 and I find no fault to it. This is a YA novel and itreads like one. What is better are the pitches. They both work well. Think you can get far with this effort. BACKED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Rust Creek provides a refreshing read. The chapter headings designating the character's perspective of each one is something I've never seen before. The setting somehow reminds me of a small town in Minnesota which Betty White's character Rose talked about often on the Golden Girls. As much as Blanch and Dorothy complained, I never grew tired of it. Rust Creek proves that small towns can be truly interesting places.

HI J LONG ' RUST CREEK '

YOU have a nice simple way of telling a story , the formation of it as told in the first chapter is very good .
painting a lovely picture of the home in Rust Creek and mommy and the chickens running around, real small farmyard stuff . most enjoyable and quite creative. this is a book for the younger generation who will of course relate to it. , the characters set out nicely and the story shapes up.
backed.
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'
please read , comment , back mine if time thanks.

I really enjoyed this, I grew up in a small town and this made me nostalgic. You've got a strong narrative voice and it really engaged me as a reader. I wish you the best of luck with this, it's a really nice book. Once you give it a good proofreading, it's going to shine even more!

Missy

I think you have captured that that small town feel brilliantly!
I like your characters and the dialogue and interactions are very aligned to the storyline, it makes the book have a congruent feel. Great style, I think this is perfect for your target audience. – Good luck!

Hi J,
Chapter 6 says Anna but seems like it should be Amber.
Chapter 7 says Amber but seems like it should be Anna.
I think it also needs a good proof read to pick up those typos and spelling errors which prevent this from appearing as a polished piece.
I like the balance between the descriptions and dialogue. In fact, the descriptions are really helpful in setting the scene. It would be good if you could try something as effective when it comes to the characters as the four voices are a little too similar. It would be easier for the reader to follow the switches in narrators if some defining style of narration was made clear for each character early on.
What you’ve uploaded so far is easy to read and very enjoyable.
Best.

Thank you for pointing out the mix-up on the chapter headings. I probably wouldn't have noticed otherwise. And I agree with your comment about it needing to be proofed. I am hoping to do some of that this weekend since I'll have a lot of extra time. I will also take your comment about the characters voices into consideration. Thank you again for taking time to read it and comment.


Also, thank you to everyone else who has read it and commented. I appreciate everyone telling me what to think and taking their time to read it in the first place.

Before I forget, let me point out a typo in the pitch - 'she FELL hard and fast'.
I've read only the first chapter but i enjoyed it. Your description of the little town is clear and Bethie's house is so lovely I can't understand why she wants to leave it of that her brother hardly ever returns.
Your characters are believable and there's quite a bit of humour, especially in Charlie's sarcasm over Amber.
I think YA will love it. Backed. lynn

Backed

Ferdi
A Bed of Thorns

Hi J,
Chapter 6 says Anna but seems like it should be Amber.
Chapter 7 says Amber but seems like it should be Anna.
I think it also needs a good proof read to pick up those typos and spelling errors which prevent this from appearing as a polished piece.
I like the balance between the descriptions and dialogue. In fact, the descriptions are really helpful in setting the scene. It would be good if you could try something as effective when it comes to the characters as the four voices are a little too similar. It would be easier for the reader to follow the switches in narrators if some defining style of narration was made clear for each character early on.
What you’ve uploaded so far is easy to read and very enjoyable.
Best.

Hi J,

Charlie and Amber have a kind of Pride & Prejudice thing going, don't they? I truly like your dialog, seems quite modern teen talk, and you're fitting in a lot of universal young adult themes. So far, I really like your book!

Regards,
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

J, you've got a good voice - I can hear it as I read right from the off. I think this could turn into a kind of *Peyton Place* for a YA market - but with a lot more depth!! And for older people, it'll spark an awful lot of memories.

Well done, and I'll certainly give this work a turn on my shelf a.s.a.p. for you. With best wishes for success -
Kay
(Waystation to Prosperity Street)

This is a very good book. You are very descriptive with your writing and the book has a good voice.
I could fair taste the apple pie in chapter one. You have a talent for writing thats for sure and I can see your book 'Rust Creek' going a long way.
I wish you the best and of course back your book.SHELVED.

regard's,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest)

backed

Every so often a book comes along here that I can't believe is YET to be published! This is such a refreshing read about real kids in real life scenarios without vampires and ghouls driving the plot! Well crafted and polished and I do believe young adults will devour this! Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

The manner in which you have written your story ensures that most teenage girls will relate to Bethany immediately. You will capture their attention and hold it. I also like your use of the first person narrative voice. You convey well Bethany's feelings, thoughts and emotions. You have crafted a most interesting storyline and all of this coupled with your smooth writing style does make your work appealling to the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Please excuse the brevity of this comment but I am still getting used to the site and it seems to take me an age to be able to get around to everyone who I believe has writing that should be backed. I will back you now and return with comments as soon as things settle down with the constant backings and messages. Thanx

Great book!


backed

Hello

I've read through ch 6 and it's such a nice story. You paint a picture of typical teens, ending their high school years, trying decide what to do with their lives. We've all been there. I'm curious to see how Bethany and Blake get together.

Well-done and happily backed
Denise

Would you mind taking a peek at my book, "Road to Redemption: From Cop's Daughter to Convicted Felon?"