Helix Intrusion

I'm the third in a row to say this, Come back.

This is an exceptional read.

Happily backed

Melxx
Impeding Justice

Paul

I'm a repitition nazi.......You have the phrase subway train, 13 times in loaded chapter one......One I became aware of it, it drove me mad........carriage, train, compartment,,,,,,,,,,,are options......

That said this is a cracking read..;.....I agree with LittleDevil....come back...

Shelved.

Hi Paul,
How come so many good writers gave up with authonomy. I've just read the first chapter and I really think you should get this back in the charts. Crondin Miller is certainly not a character to mess with is he?
Come on Paul. How about it?
I'll back this, see if I can encourage you out of the woodwork.
Best wishes
Sue
A Boy Called George (if you get the chance I'd like your opinion)

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hello Paul,

Tour title suggested some many things and the pitch reinforced its intriguing promise. It made me curiou to the point where I couldn't stop myself from finding out the inside of the story . It is good. The first three chapters are very captivating. The Elizabeth and Miller drama is succinctly described. I wanted to read the next sentence, dialogue, paragraph, chapter and the next. This is a well-written story that flows smoothly, the characters are credible.

While I would encourage you to tighten it a little, suffice to know that this is a story to return to and read the other chapters.

All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

Hey Paul,

Still reading....this amazing work will be on my shelf sooner rather than later.

Martin.

Hello Martin,
Thank you very much for your amazing comments.

c u in the reading room!

Paul,

"The virus of abuse." Superb.

Breathtakingly fast paced, tight, intense, and worryingly disturbing. It takes a very brave man to write a novel
of this type - and then the talent to make the reader both sympathetic yet pumping his or her fist with a kind of 'Go Girl' admiration. Elizabeth is both vunerable yet, as most women are, stronger than they believe. Stronger, in the face of psycopaths and general mayhem, than most men are. I'm glad you recognise this, and portray it without being patronising.

There is, I dare say, an underlying theme of 'Stockholm Syndrome' and ultimate redemption. In my humble opinion, the psychopathology of Liz , her courage (despite the initial bewilderment) is spot on.

Excellent work, and look forward to reading more. Deserves to get more attention, so, if you don't mind, I'm gong to plug this on the forum.

http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/Posts.aspx?threadId=22447

On my WL.

Martin.
(My House on the Fjord)

Lots of exciting things happening. I enjoyed reading this fast-paced story.

Thank you Patty for your comments. And for your wonderful suggestions.....They will indeed help clear the niggles.
Your obvious expertise about Point of Views is also gladly noted.

TanxAmillion Patty

I also checked Seeing Red.
Love the neck-breaking pace!!

c u in the reading room

Paul,

Came across after searching for SF titles. I liked the way this started. I thought you described Elizabeth's feelings very well. You also have a nice way of describing feelings. Just a tiny niggle - there are a lot of 'independent' eyes doing things. Like eyes rolling down the newspaper. I know it's a figure of speech, but my anal brain is seeing eyeballs rolling. I would like to know a little bit more about why she recognises Crondin.

There is a very abrupt POV change to Crondin, and after this, the POV wavers quite a bit. I much prefer to have a clear POV character, one per scene.

Paul, many thanks for your comments re Misty. I have just changed my thriller title back to its original WOLF AT THE DOOR.

Thank you very much, Suzanne. I greatly appreciate your comments and support.

The underlined are from the habit of implying italics in a manuscript.
I agree that here, in an Authonomized version, the underlined should be simply italics.
Thanks Suzanne.

'Slay Misty For Me' immediately grabbed me--- the style and metaphors are right up my alley.
Bookshelved!

I have only just read chapter one but it does grab me from Elizabeth's point of view - poor girl - a burned and incarcerated Crondin on the subway! I think your descriptions can be vivid - 'jowls that seemed to brood over his own eggshell coloured raincoat' and I like the way the descriptions of the subway travellers all make them seem like aliens (perhaps that's an exercise we can all try when next travelling!). I don't think you need to underline the stressed points (at least not accoding to my Open U tutor) and flashbacks, I think, would be better in italics. Small points though as it is readable and I shall be reading more, putting you on my watchlist and giving a mention on the Recommended Reads on the Forum. Well done. Suzanne (Hot Summer Night - thriller - and Slay Misty - comedy).

This is all over the place but there's something about the writing style that kept me reading, I can't decide if it's good or not, I can imagine many stumbling on the words too much and giving up. I will put it on my watch list and have a think bout it

Thanks to all for your wealth of guidance, especially 2004carlt, clare and 4dprefect.

I just finished editing the uploaded 7 chapters of Helix Intrusion after trimming down passives as suggested, and hopefully it effectively laid down more coherence between flashbacks, as well as picking up the pace in the chapter.

Bye the bye, the pace does pick up exponentially after each chapter.
So put on your seatbelts. <:^D

Have fun ...... I humbly hope
and c u all in the reading room

Thanks again 2004carlt, clare and 4dprefect.
I so appreciate it

Paul

Hi Paul, thanks again for your comments on Evil this morning. Had a chance to read your first too chapters now and you've got an intriguing beginning here. Nice use of language which gives it a distinctive flavour. The cuts between the flashbacks and the present are fairly effective, and I was only temporarily confused by an apparent unexpected switch of viewpoint character in the same scene: we seem to run straight from Elisabeth's thoughts to 'Crondin Miller remembered the years he relished her...' and a little further on straight back to Elisabeth's point of view. There's the odd word out of place (isle instead of aisle) and you could probably make a few trims here and there to up the initial pace, but otherwise, combined with what I read in the pitch, it strikes me you've something different and original here.

Hi Paul, just read your comment on Evil. Many many thanks! If you've any space on your bookshelf, that'd be brilliant but comments like those are a vote of confidence in themselves! Very glad you liked it. :)

Thank you 4dprefect for your support!

c u all in the reading room!

Watchlisting this for a read some time this week. Look forward to it.

Clare,
I edited Chapter 1, using some of your wealth of guidance... Thanx Clare.
I'm off to my bookshelf and checking your work.

Wow. Thank you so much for such an wonderful indepth evaluation. I sincerely appreciate the time YOU took to contemplate on my writing style.
I will contemplate on your opinions Clare, promise.

The missing word is 'of"... the inside of a frayed moccasin.... yoh(noted for editing)

And yep, from Canada, eh? Montreal.

One man in the story is lanky-tall like "Bigbird" and the other is a large man like "Pavarotti"

Tanxamillion, Clare.

Thanks for your support. I've only had time to read the first chapter so far, because it takes time to do it justice.

Although you include a good deal of action, I was most aware of your very unusual and striking prose. At first, I thought that you were misusing words, especially verbs, and also employing very exaggerated descriptions, with the overall effect of losing coherence. On a rereading, I decided that a great deal of thought has gone into your prose, and it is poetical and original. Some of your analogies and metaphors work brilliantly for me, whereas I think others don't work, but it's a matter of opinion - a bit like the words of a Leonard Cohen song which is both brilliant and flawed. My only concern is whether the complex and unexpected nature of the language might interfere too much with the story e.g. whether the language might tend to overwhelm the reader, like too much rich food, or a drug overdose....?

Plotwise, the beginning of an exhausted shiftworker gradually become aware that her psychopathic ex-lover is on the train was quite effective, although the wording of the opening sentence threw me until I realised several lines in what her deep concern was.

I could cope with the flashback to the violent attack, but was a bit confused by the scene when I think a man tries to leave the train, and also by the shift to the two men who I think are following Elizabeth - also confusing that she is sometimes just called Helix.

A few sentences are missing a word (e.g. sentence with moccasin) or have a small syntax error, but I'm sure you'll pick that up later.

Overall, it's quite interesting in being "different" in style, and I'll watchlist it to come back and read more.

I wonder how much an expert editor would want you to prune it down.....? I've been disappointed by people who sternly reprove me for too many adjectives and adverbs, some slightly unusual phrasing, and my prose is bland in comparison....!

Good luck with it. Are you communicating from Canada, BTW?

Clare

n.b. Didn't understand allusion to Bigbird and Pavarotti.

No problem Paul and thanks for your comment on Dark Dreams.

Thank you Carl for the kind and constructive words, I sincerely appreciate your input, and also your tips. I am still trying out my new wings across Authonomy, and promise to load books onto my shelf, and visit the forum .... once I figure things out....

C u all in the reading room

Always a good idea to comment on other books, if you have the time, and load some books onto your shelf. Also think about plugging your book on the forums.

Might be able to get your passive down and take out the redundancies. I also felt the pace could have been quickened, with more of a hook at the start. Otherwise, not too bad. Good luck.