Dragon's Light

Just read most of the first chapter, a good start, an interesting story that makes you want to know more. However, you get mixed up about who's point of view you want to share, there's nothing wrong with wanting to introduce two characters in the same chapter but you need to differentiate between them within the narrative. You could try having all the dwarf's perspective nearer the end, when he discovers the note & use memory to give strength to his feelings of affection for the human boy.

A lot of the rest of the descriptions are a bit wooden, the narrative needs to become more natural, I think you'll see what I mean if you read it out loud to yourself. You just need to spend a bit of time working on it.

Best Wishes
Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

First chapter immediately grabs attention and creates interest and is well paced. Really liked the MC's, however as the story goes on-so much attention is focused on the actions of the character's- such as working on the forge- it seems that the interactions between the characters get neglected a little. Chapter 3- "Sconder listened intently to Sparwe speaking, about her family, her people and their history." It would be better to show us this conversation then just tell us it happened. Chapter 6- "Sconder could her (hear?) soft singing coming from what he thought of as the dining hall." Enjoyed the spiritual aspects of the story. Chapter 8 repeated twice. Hope this is helpful. Thanks for sharing your wonderful story. Desi.

From the very first paragraph this promises to be an exciting read. Fast-paced and interesting, you flesh out the story without overloading the reader with facts and details. I like the positive feeling of your writing – the fact that Sconder is honest with the utensils he made and was rewarded for it – this is even more satisfying since he must wait for the reward, and it is more of a surprise when it comes – and also that his master is a good man.

Excellent reading.

Anna
Angelwings

I like your concept. I have taught truths of the universe in a similar manner in my Thomas Fairchild books. I am happy to give you 5 stars, and a place on my shelf when one becomes free. I hope you check out my books too. Eunice.

Opening with a headlong, breathless race as Sconder escapes from slavery. The escape was not a sudden impulse though. He had planned it carefully, but not quite as carefully as his master. Outside of the caves is a new world to the boy, who promptly almost drowns.

The girl who helped, after a fashion, is Sparwe, who 'saw much in the stories that others missed', a strategist as well as a swordswoman, and well-travelled with the merchants. Her sword may be old and used, but it sounds like a fine and noble one. Finally the two meet properly, 'How could a person not know where they are and not be lost?' Yet Sconder sees the elegance of both the blade and the wielder, and Sparwe recognises his need for help. She is also curious about a slave who was allowed such freedom...

An excellent start to a compelling YA adventure as two young people seek their true place in the world. As well as the traditional elements of fantasy, this has a unique feel, particularly in the very different personalities and skills of the two main protagonists. This, along with a streak of good-natured humour, makes the story quite special ... backed.

Possible nits: 'his curly blonde hair', male blond has no e. 'Arnol is the finest', better to stick with the past tense,' Arnol was the finest'. 'a young apprentice that [who] needed protection'.

Ron,
Lovely writing and an adventure waiting to burst off the page.

:)
Diane

Ron, I don't understand why your book is not already at the editor's desk. It is a masterpiece and so beautifully written. I'm going to come back to read more with the hope that somehow I will be able to absorb at least part of your talent with words.

Backed with great pleasure!

David Placeres
Sunless Shadows

Dwarfs as masters. I like it. This is an interesting branch of fantasy and being the avid fan of the genre myself, I completely enjoyed it! Your imagination is quite brillant. I thoroughly relish stories that I can't predict and your world is one of those. It is complete and truly entertaining. Excellent job here!

BACKED,

CSAndersen

I was expecting another samey fantasy and was thrilled to find myself wrong. I agree that this has various levels on which it can be enjoyed. You've chosen to write it as if for adults and given the interesting content and plot development, this could serve as a cross over novel. I did enjoy my read, e.g. the cook's angst over his over in 8 and it all ready very convincingly. Well done Just a word - pitch your marketing at the 12 pluses and reconsider your title. Can you think of something that won't be mistaken for a fairy story?
Backed
Lara
Good for Him

I enjoyed reading this. The one comment I would make is this: Would you ever consider making Chapter 2 your beginning? I found this chapter drew me in more than the first one. This is just MHO. :) I have put your book on my bookshelf.

Hi RW, gripping read. great pace. i empthasized with Sconder immediately.
on my shelf.
i couild send only kudoes but have a minor thought that may stirke a chord. if not, pls ignore ;)
perhaps add a bit more dialog; the conversations are short but strong and lift the surrounding prose.
best wishes, andy

R. W. Coffman:

You set up a very strong jaw breaking scene with Sconder's escape. Having read all of Chapter one, I was somewhat dismayed by the fact that Sconder had gone through all this trouble to escape when, in fact, his Master Arnol was actually trying to prepare him for the day he would actually leave. It seems that Sconder's escape could be used to build a major conflict. Instead we have Sconders secretly planning an escape, fearful of being caught when the master was setting him up to go all along. It seems a strange dichotomy or white elephant, if you will. Backed for encouragement

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

Dear R W

just follwing your clilmb, i did comment and back your book some time ago. great read

If you have commented and backed my book thank you

Denise
The Letter

Liked it! Backing.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

Hi RW

YOu have a good clean prose style and I like how you surprise us by making Arnol a friend, rather than the typical harsh foe that we would expect, although I'm not clear why Arnol doesn't just tell Sconder that he is an apprentice and not a slave - or doesn't just tell him he is free to go when he is 16. But perhaps it becomes clear later on. This is very well written and you have created a believable world. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

R W,
Your descriptions in Dragon's Light are delightfully detailed. It's unusual for a fantasy novel to have such deep meaning imbedded in the text. Your storyline is enthralling and leaves the reader wanting more. Backed.

Dragon's Light

R.W. Coffman

Nice to see a book for young people with the underlying themes you explore - life, love, faith, hope among others. Sconder is credible in this first chapter. The world you construct is full of adventure which your target audience should appreciate. Best of luck with it.

Dear RW,

Your text is vivid and descriptive, very creative! This book should appeal especially to young adults who like fantasy. Good job!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Well written, and an entertaining story. I like this one very much.
A tiny error, in Ch 1, if by 'shear cloth' you mean see-through cloth, then it should be 'sheer.' But that's the only error I noticed. Well done and backed, Marj.

Thanks so much. My spelling ability is sub-par. And relying on a spell checker is dubious at best. Good catch and thanks again.

Ron.

Well written, and an entertaining story. I like this one very much.
A tiny error, in Ch 1, if by 'shear cloth' you mean see-through cloth, then it should be 'sheer.' But that's the only error I noticed. Well done and backed, Marj.

A nice touch of orginality here, its difficult to ring the changes in fantasy, but I think you have done so here.
Backed

Dear RW,
I am not much of a fantasy reader but this book appears to be one that holds a promise for adventure, the kind that keeps children enthralled; what I look for is the flow and the readability of the script as well as the content presentation.

Backed!

Rome
Directives for Murder

Very enjoyable!

Dear RW
i have already commented and backed your book around 7 days ago however i cannot se the backing so I will back it again.
Great book cover. if this does not show it will be because the original backing went through. I just think your book is WORTH IT
Denise
The Letter

Great Fantasy! That was enjoyable to read and entertaining to imagine. Great job. MJ Grothoff

This is good, suspenseful stuff. I am impressed. Narrative is clean and squeaky, dialogue, what little there is, is great. Would love to see more dialogue in first chapter, but I suppose it was not meant to be.

Good luck with this,
Backed.
Mike

Thanks MIchael for the backing.
Tough to put more dialogue in the first chapter when Sconder is alone through most of the first 9 pages...The remainder of the book has much more dialogue and deals with some tough topics.

This is good, suspenseful stuff. I am impressed. Narrative is clean and squeaky, dialogue, what little there is, is great. Would love to see more dialogue in first chapter, but I suppose it was not meant to be.

Good luck with this,
Backed.
Mike

Nicely written and entertaining. Backed.
Please check out ' the compulsive adventurer' which has many attributes similar to your book.
Thanks,
Mike

Dragon's Light is a truly inspirational book for readers who want to escape into the fantasy genre. Backed.

Nicely done. I wish you well with this. Backed

Ferdi
A Bed of Thorns

These are the books which will get the teens reading again. Well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Hi, I read the first three chapters and enjoyed them. You're right, it's a very entertaining read, full of action and adventure.
Good Luck, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Ron

A good opening chapter. I love the idea of Sconder plotting his escape, whilst all the while Arnol wishes him well.

Backed

Such a great read! Very happy to have gotten to read the whole book. I had already backed the book from the first few chapters, but after reading it as a whole I am even happier to give it my support. I can't wait to read the next one, and then watch them all on the big screen.

Hi RW. you pretty much had me with the pitch, I didn't have to read much more to put this on my shelf. Crit? Contrary Texan and soutexmex make similar points, which is pretty much about attention spans, they're not wrong, but then again...

R.W: I read Chapter 1 & 7 and if this YA, you need to break down the paragraphs so it reads faster. The pitches are acceptable. BACKED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Awesome! Can't wait for more

Please BACK me then Ms. Tocher

The book has been completed just having issues posting it to the site....

Awesome! Can't wait for more

Thank you Amberly.

Maybe you WON'T learn these things, but you will be exposed to ideas and concepts that encourage you to think about them. I'm new at this, so your comments are very welcome. I can see how some people would be less likely to explore this book if they know they have to learn something. It's like being FORCED to go to high school when you already know the material because you've had it for the last ten years or so. I do want to appeal to young adult readers so will work on the pitch a bit more. Watch for an update.

Thanks again.

Great plot and a wonderful imagination .Blends fiction with teaching and kept me entertained at the same time . Good Luck with your book . It is just different enough that maybe I'll be watching it as a movie some day.

Dear R.W

I'm interested in the story line but don't like being told what i will learn. How do you know that I WILL LEARN ABOUT thing .... and .... what if i learn how to laugh instead? Or what if i discover that my long lost brother isn't to blame for my horrible childhood? how are you to know?

I'd consider editing your blurb - it's forced like you're forcing the reader to get your point when a book should let the reader discover these things for themselves.

Perhaps a more poetic and a less forced angle would help? Try to write a song about your book and see if that sums the themes up better? Would your song be rock or pop or opera - does that reflect the books mood? Fast or slow, gentle lyricks or heart pumping word choices?

Just an idea, i'll give a few chapers a read and pass my immediate thoughts on but as with any comments take them with only an eye for improvement and the satisfaction in knowing that there is always something new to learn.

Amberly

Truly enjoying the read. I will get back to it as time allows for I must surely know the outcome now!
Backed and looking for more.

Love the book. It really draws you in, making you want more. This isn't the normal style I read, but with your writing, it very well could be.

Wow - what a gifted imagination you have and the talent for putting it to words. I see a movie deal in your future! backed with pleasure.

liz
The Cheech Room

A journey filled with surprises. Fascinating characters. Excellent dialogue and narrative. Backed.

Agree with Lynn about the POV, it just keeps it nice and tidy in the reader's mind. Good premise, well-carried out. Background and mythology have a consistent, internal logic. Keeps the reader hooked and your MCs quickly engage the reader's interest and sympathy.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

This strange world of Dwarves and gem-cutters is vividly described as are the characters and their background. Rather than having been sold into slavery for the usual reasons, Sconder has been left with Arnol by his parents as a protection from the war.
I think there is a problem in the change of POV from Sconder to Arnol - it would be better if each chapter were told from only one. And in the opening paragraph, it's not necessary to say it's Sconder's eyes that are blinded, we take that as read.
But an imaginative and colourful tale, which should do very well with lovers of the genre. Backed. lynn

DRAGON’S LIGHT
This is an interesting story. You’ve created unique characters in Sconder and Sparwe. The way you’re able to describe your settings is a strength; you’re both an imaginative thinker and writer. I’m adding it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 8th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Your descriptions at the beginning are breath taking. The relationship between Sconder and Arnol has that bitter sweet angst and equality of respect and derision that makes them the ideal paring for this sort of book. I can tell you now that, as a teacher of English for more years than I care to remember, I would have wished for a book like thise to ba availabe for the classroom. Seldom do you find something so well written that appeals to the YA audience of today.

You hold tension and excitement brilliantly.

BACKED

Hi, I am sorry that this comment does not help you in any way just yet, other than to let you know that I think your work is worth backing, but I am getting used to the site slowly. Also, work commitments and writing are being squeezed to try to keep up. After the first days I thought that the reading returns and support would slow but as yet they have not even begun to. So, in order to be fair I am backing everyone who I think deserves it, thanking everyone who has backed me and keeping an increasingly long list to get back to and give my hand written comments over. I hope this is ok with you? Cheers.