'The Story' - 'The Mystery begins'

What do you mewan by a sense of the ongoings?
First in a series of novels
Cut 'the target audience of'
etc
There's a lot of grammatical and spelling errorts in the pitch - which make it hard to follow - the people who matter will think - if you can't be bothered to present this properly, then I can't be botheredto rad it.
My advice is to spend less time chasing backings and more time, working on your material

This sounds like someplace where I would want to live! I like your vivid setting; I can see it in my mind. My only critizm so far would be at the begining, "The birds were chirping merrily." I have read that phrase or discription in other books; it is very generic.

Tico. On the negative side, there is a great deal of editing required, both in punctuation, grammar and moving from past tense to present tense too frequently. Importantly, look at your pitch again. This is what attracts readers or otherwise to your book. You say a genleman named Micheal, instead of gentleman. It's essential that you sort your pitch out first. On the positive side, this is a great story with good, well defined characters and the story moves along at a good pace. The editing issues are all things you can sort and I am sure once this is done you will have an excellent book. Backed. Lynne Brooklyn Bridge.

interesting piece of literature

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Well done. even the looking sounds like a real published novel already. Hope you a great success! Wildy

Your coming along quite well with the story. Can't wait until it's complete.

Hey Tico, thanks for backing my back. I'm looking fwd to getting into yours when I've cleared my mail. Thanks. (Warren THE WANDERER AND THE HILL et al).

Hi Tico, This is a really good story, and can be well received if well edited. For example, there are a mixture of past and present tenses. And in some instances you've missed words i.e Which one could only best best be described as etc. should be 'which could only be described as' And the end of the sentence 'Some apparently completely tone deaf, but who cares' I think to the best of my knowledge should be 'But no one cared'
Another of the sentences like, 'Surprisingly enough, there signs of any airs and graces for which one might associate, etc. I don't know what you are trying to say here, but I suspect you are saying ' Surprisingly enough there were no signs of the airs and graces of which the wealthy and well-off were associated with'
Finally, you have too many immigrants, i.e Like most immigrants had immigrated to England, should read, Like most immigrants had migrated to England' sounds better.
Please be rest assured that I am not condemning your writing, I am merely pointing out some typos and grammar mistakes which a good edit would have no problem in rectifying.
Good luck with your book and I have BACKED it for it's potential.
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE' .

This is an energetic story told with a cheerful, friendly voice, 'tone deaf in their efforts, hey, but who cares?' It's clear that you enjoy writing, Tico, and have a lot of talent. I'll quote a few lines to illustrate (sometimes with minor corrections): 'with a sparkle in his eyes which probably meant she had no choice', 'the vast and vibrant quality ingredients, coupled with the contrasting colours from the fruit and vegetables', 'Wow! Now that is what you call a big family' - all interest-grabbing lines.

The story is, however, as yet only a rough draft. There are misspellings and misplaced words to be remedied, and phrases to be tightened (some examples given below). Maybe run a spell-check and then read it aloud to yourself to eliminate most of the typos, etc. I'd love to read this again when it's had another edit.

Possible nits: Maybe trim back a little on the opening weather: 'The afternoon began with warm sunshine from a clear summer sky. Birds chirped merrily and ...' Check this other simplification: 'Michael had decided the previous winter...' 'sing along merrily to the sings [lyrics?]'. More slight rewording: 'in 1969 when Michael was just seven'. 'like most immigrants had journeyed to England in search...'splenders [splendours]'. 'embroiled [embroidered] sequinned'. Whenever a new person talks, start a new paragraph.

Hi Tico, you have a good book here but it's spoilt by the way you have uploaded it.
looking at it now, you have two chapters showing for the book but you have other chapters within them and the Page No's are not needed that are there also.
I have still backed your book on it's own merit.SHELVED.

regards,


Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - Series)

I liked it, Tico. You have an easy writing style and a knack of writing ina relaxed yet compelling manner. I totally disagree with the obnoxious remaks made by Thurling. You write well. Why people make such destructive remarks I don't know. Who are they to speak?! Backed, of course. Best of luck, Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

I always try to find something kind to say about any book I read on Authonomy, but in this case I can only say
say that this is definitely one of the worst pieces of writing I have ever seen, on authonomy or anywhere else. I cannot back this.
RT

Having a bit of difficulty following the premise in this book; however, I do see potential in the writing. Backed for its potential!

Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Tico, I can see that your writing has potential and I can tell that you want to write something great here, but it feels to me like a rough first draft. You set a beautiful scene at the BBQ but I can't tell from your pitch or from the first chapter what the book is actually about, what's the storyline, what's the action, the conflict?

A few constructive criticisms.. the book needs editing for punctation. The story is set in past tense, but your description of the BBQ's location is in present tense.

Watch out for writing in the passive voice... ie, 'the birds were chirping merrily' should be 'the birds chirped merrily' and 'Angelina was looking beautiful' should be 'Angelina looked beautiful'.

Your wine paragraph is filled with unnecessary words. It reads better something like this...
"Would you like a glass of wine, Angelina?" Junior asked.
She smiled. "That would be lovely."
"Red or white?"
"Red please. Thanks Junior."

I am placing your book on my watch list as I would like to return to it and give it another go once you've proofed and polished it. Cheers and good luck with your writing, Jennifer -A MATTER OF CONSCIENCE-

[Thanks for your comments

Thanks for your comments, will take them on board.

I really like the opening for this, the barbecue at Drayton Halls, which sounds incredible, I love old houses. I like the setting of the scene at the barbecue, almost feel as though I'm there, Excellent writing that flows so easily and very comfortably. Backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Greetings Tico, You've asked me for a frank appraisal of your novel, and I believe I can offer one after reading your pitch and three chapters. Your pitch indicates that you have a workable plan, and what you've written demonstrates a talent for characterization and description. I don't feel, however, that the story is advancing, as there are many unnecessary passages--details about where the cars are parked, for example--and little conflict to produce tension. You should review your manuscript carefully for spelling and grammar. There is no such word as "enthusiats" (you meant "enthusiasts"); "renown" should be "renowned" (if you really meant "famous"); and "not's" should be "nots"--all in your pitch. I'd like to take another look at your first chapter after you edit it, and I sincerely wish you success with your writing.

Bill Carrigan
"The Doctor of Summitville"

'The Story'

Tico

A book which encourages the reader to actively think is a rare one in these times - so I support you if only for this reason. Your pitches seem to be in need of a slight edit. It might be a good idea to upload your chapters separately - this way "Autho critics" will comment on substance and not form - which I presume is what you are looking for? Your chapters need a slight edit too - eg, very last line of your first HC chapter upload - " . . . the esteem that he was in held by the community" should be "held in". Some paragraph breaks are needed, as for instance, during conversation exchanges where different characters are speaking. Anyway, I am no expert and simply trying to help you out a bit. You have some good ideas here behind your novel which has potential. Best of luck.

This appears to have great potential, tho' it was tricky to follow, at times. On watchlist for further review.

Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Unusual writing. The descriptions good, though, and the dialogue is believable.

I'm not sure if the different-ness is deliberate or accidental. If it's accidental, there are a few things to fix.

eg the font changes into bold for no reason I can understand in chapter 1. And it's usual to start a new paragraph for each new speaker when writing dialogue.

I'm happy to back this, though, as it's something a bit different. :)

Pete

I am sure writing this has given you a great deal of pleasure and pride, but I feel equally sure your audience will be a very limited one. This, Tico, is not a novel. It is not even potentially a novel. There is nothing to give the reader a reason to read. There is no storyline. It is just a collection of scenes, written in somewhat idiosyncratic English. You clearly have a love of words and an enthusiasm for writing but, alas, that is not enough.

I suggest you would benefit from a creative writing course, where you will learn the importance of plot , pace and characterisation -- the necessary components of a novel. I am sorry to disappoint you, but I don't believe in giving people false hope or hypocritical flattery.

Drayton Halls does sound like a magnificent sight. The story is full of International celebrity types. "Romance seemed on the horizon." There are a few bloopers like, "Let do dinner," but we all have those kinds of problems. You do need to be a little careful, though. Another example, in Chapter Four: "There was hardly any traffic which unusual for this time of day." Even so, "Romance was a distinct possibility as it seemed by the way Junior and Angelina were getting on like a house on fire." I'll be back to see how this develops. Backed for now.

Thank you for the invite!
sincerely,
jim

Backed.

KZ

This is a unique concept and excuted well. C W

So I did a quick read through this. Only because I am pressed for time, but I good a good feel for it. It seems to flow good so I am going to put it on my watchlist.

You give a very good sense of the people involved. but Just a quibble - surely dawn ascends?

Lovely again. backed

Hi Tico, A grand panorama and the evening is pleasant to read. There are a few word issues: 1969's wouldn't be used, just the date itself, teachers not as a verb - teaches? Silene and Junior's conversation really contrasts with the couple who drive up in the early a.m. They certainly promise to rock this festival! Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi, Thank you for your comments, most welcomed, appreciate your support, thanks.

Your vocabulary is extensive but do you realise you do not need to use every word in the English language? There are comments here suggesting you look at your grammar, and of course I'm sure you will, but for me if you thought carefully about how you might improve the flow from one scene to the next it would enable the reader to relax and enjoy the story. At the moment I find myself having to concentrate all the time so as not to lose the plot. Hope that helps, Maggie.

I think you have great potential but I also think you need to work on your grammer a little bit. Some of the mistakes in grammer kept me from really getting into the story. That is not to say that you are not talented and that you have great potential as a writer. Your descriptions are very good. I think you should work on your pitch a little bit because it makes the story sound rather dull which it isn't.
Keep up the good work and please understand that these are just suggestions meant to be helpful. I know how much we all pour our hearts into our writing.

Interesting concept, and well executed

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

The story has great potential and you have the potential to be a good writer. but attention to detail is all important and you may find that you have to brush up on your grammar, punctuation , spelling and so on., as your writing progresses. I think, too, as someone has said, you need to decide where you are going with your long pitch ,as the message is not all that clear. But take heart! These are meant as constructive criticisms and there is a great deal in what you have written, which is really rather good and I am happy to back your book for that reason.

Philip John

Hey Tico, I read some of your book. I wasn't able to get into the story. I am unsure what the story is about. i couldn't quite follow it. Sorry to give a comment you might now appreciate but i want to leave you my honest opinion. I'm sure you put your heart and soul into it..maybe just try alittle harder on focusing the storyline. :-)

Sorry - but the pitch isn't really a pitch.
As for the story, I appreciate English may not be your first language, but I wasn't able to get into 'the story' - as I didn't feel as though a story were being told. The grammar needs to be improved also.
(unless I'm missing something that the others can see, who have backed?)
keep trying... I've only written 3 short children's stories - the first of which has been rejected so far by literary agents.
good luck
'Bother, the Lost Reindeer'

Well written and gripping pitch.
Backed with pleasure.

Dawn,
My Friends and Me / Sammy and the Wise Willow

Excellently written and imagined.

BACKED

Your pitch is fantastic. I was hooked like a fish on a line.
Gotta read this---and I will! Soon.
-N.H.
P.S.On my WL
Silence of the Angels

Hi Tico. Nice narrative flow, terrific construction. Backed!

jim
jack & charmian london

There is obvious talent here and Iike the way the writer writes. I have only read a little but i shall indeed be returning.

BACKED WITH PLEASURE

Brendan Doherty
The Russian Hat

Dear Tico,

Count me in at the party, too. I don't want to miss a word of The Story. Love the description of the South American babe.

Backed and best.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Hi,
I must admit that I've only been able to read the first chapter, however, I did like it enough to back. Your writing style is very good, and I will read more later today and give feedback in due course.
Good luck
Sye

Backed.

Backed :)

This is certainly an interesting read, and nicely written :) Keep up the good work. Backed ;)

Dear Tico,
Nice writing style. You have a typo in your long pitch. "despairation" should be "desparation". Nice job!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!

Backed
Eveleen
(Turning an new leaf)

Tico,
I read the first chapter of The Story and wanted to join the party. Your description of the scenery and Drayton Halls creates a setting this reader wanted to visit. Backed.