Empathy:Rebirth

Hi Michael, The storytelling absolutely surges. I found the description of the fire at the outset very credible and then after James hears the voice and he enters the fray of the invasion, the descriptions are engrossing. Especially when he pulled the sword into two and whooshed up into the sky! Good action writing. And his forcing himself into negotiations is enticing too. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

You really know how to start off with a bang! It was impossible to stop reading after that, you've got a great writing style, it gives your work a bit of a surreal feel, and that's not quite the right word but I have no idea how to describe it. It's unique, and I love that. Not quite what I read in my spare time but I'd read past what you have posted if only to see how this fast moving tale unfolds.

Good luck with this!!
Missy

I'm in ch 12. Here are my notes:

Being in the POV of darkness is new way to approach a story

The dark flames and constant destruction are powerful images in this fight scene

To have an identity crisis in the middle of the battle was an interesting twist

This must be the climax of your story

The characters are so unusual and themes so metaphysical that the battle takes on a meaning much larger than the participants

not my usual genre, but the pitches pulled me in. well done.
j
what every woman should know

not my usual genre, but the pitches pulled me in. well done.
j
what every woman should know

another great book

Hey Michael, this reminds I used to think up when I was younger. Impossibly strong beings who boarder on invincible. :D
Your writing seems to have more than a few issues of tense. You tend to speak a lot in the past tense "had" and it doesn't read well for a first person narrative.
It has more than a few editorial issues to take a look at but I'm sure you already know that. Noted down a few earlier ones..

• they would take father away from me three years ago -- (had taken father).
• and I did not how long -- (not know)
• The world James rests on Empathy's shoulders -- (doesn't read right)
• negotiations for the world's powers to massacre each other -- (perhaps you meant "to not massacre each other", otherwise it doesn't sound right for people to negotiate on how to kill each other)

Other than that, your story is action packed and read like an anime. As much as readers love a strong protagonist, they love it even better when he gets tossed around before he beats his adversaries. I hope in the later chapters, James meets his match somewhere.

All the best.

Edwin - The First Oath

EMPATHY: REBIRTH
Wow. This is a book with an exciting beginning: lightning, soldiers, flames – and the birth of a super human. You have a good writing style for sci-fi; short quick sentences that keep this constantly moving yet detailed enough they explain everything a reader needs to know. The same for your dialogue. Imaginative and quick paced, I’ve starred this and am adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

The pace is certainly frenetic and the story line engaging. There are many editing errors that need to be cleared up and some awkward sentences that made me stop and re read sections but, nevertheless, a ripping yarn and a highly unique voice that should do well. When you have the story finished in first draft I would suggest using someone to proof read – it will add the polish that the story deserves.
All the best with it.
Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.
(Not a time travel novel really, more a mystery/philosophy comedy :-)

not bad

Tried to look at your book but got " Sorry, an error occured while loading the chapter text"

Really weird it seems like the site is being glitchy again.

Tried to look at your book but got " Sorry, an error occured while loading the chapter text"

First off, you started with a contraction (wasn't) in the very beginning sentence. Usually contractions are used only in dialogue and if used out of dialogue they tend to show agents you write very amateurish or your intended audience is very young adult.

I found your story to be good until voices began appearing and the sudden shift to some strange preparation for battle. You use the words "flame" and "engulfed" a lot. I became very confused as to what was going on (such as now you are suddenly Japanese or what time period this is in; is it historical fiction during WWII?) and even more confused when you describe the "armor plates" covering your entire body (what?). This started to sound like Tron to me for some reason. As I continued reading, I accepted this to be some future, matrix like story which is okay but took a while to perceive.

I would like to see more dialogue but this is not absolutely necessary. You might want to explain what a ICBM and AMU is. This caused me to stop awhile and ponder, thus forget what I had just read.

You do tend to describe the same thing over and over acting like the reader does not notice you said it the first time. For example, one paragraph you describe it being dark over three times.

There are many grammar mistakes, here is one:
"I pressed my legs into the concrete..." Perhaps this should be "I pressed my feet into the concrete..." since right after you dash away. A kinda confusing line in my opinion. Proofreading or reading out loud may help catch many of these easy to fix mistakes.

Lastly, the first chapter is very long. You could end the first scene as the prologue and continue with the other stuff in a different chapter.

Best of luck and still needs much work. I hope these help.

Michael,
I'm not really a big fan of reading, but your book is really amazing. I still can't stop reading it. This book is like no other book I've read before and I don't read much because I feel like every book is boring. As I read it more and more I get a feeling that I'm in your story and I could almost relate some of the details to my life. Good job!!

Beautiful prose, action packed, absorbing the writer from the first page. Great descriptive scenes with the characters highly visual fairly leaping off the stage. I like the first person that immediately confides in the reader, creating a bond. Not easy to pull off with such an action packed story but you have done with really well.

Backed with pleasure and starred.

I just read through the first three chapters and I think you have the beginnings of a great story. You write very well and your imagery is fantastic. You have kicked it off by bringing the reader right in to the action, raising questions and curiosity that made me want to find out what was going to happen next. I have two suggestions. First I would search through your text and look for weak descriptors that end with ly (lovingly, desperately, greedily). You are a great writer and these words don’t do you justice. I think you will find that you can just go through and delete 90% of them. Second, I might suggest condensing your descriptive paragraphs a bit. They are very well written, but I found myself distracted from the meat of the story at times. You may even want to hire a decent editor. My book started out at 140,000 words and it took an editor to show me where I could trim the fat. Now it’s down to 80,000 words (That’s a lot of fat!) Anyway I hope this helps. I think your story is great, and content is what matters. I will give this one high stars for sure. Thanks for the read!
P.S. I loved the poetry in chapter 2. Nice touch.

Hi Michael,
I think your story is fantastic, and you really know how to write an action scene! The language flows really well, and your story is very engaging. It has quite a surreal feel to it, and I must admit, I was rather confused as to what was going on at the beginning. Still, the descriptions are great, and it's certainly an enjoyable read. Starred for now, and I will be returning for more!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

P.S. I think you should make your pitch a bit more descriptive so prospective readers know what kind of story they're in store for.

your story building is lost in the long pitch, and your short pitch is redundant. your questions are not fresh. i think you would do yourself justice by writing them stronger, making them unique to the story, and really giving me something to think about that makes me want to know the answers...
j
what every woman should know

Really enjoying the imagery and the powerful story led by James, wondering how things are going to to turn out after chapter 17, guess we'll see.

I'm in ch 12. Here are my notes:

Being in the POV of darkness is new way to approach a story

The dark flames and constant destruction are powerful images in this fight scene

To have an identity crisis in the middle of the battle was an interesting twist

This must be the climax of your story

The characters are so unusual and themes so metaphysical that the battle takes on a meaning much larger than the participants

Compelling! You have a voice and tone that doesn't let the reader stop turning the pages. BAcked.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

Hi Michael, The storytelling absolutely surges. I found the description of the fire at the outset very credible and then after James hears the voice and he enters the fray of the invasion, the descriptions are engrossing. Especially when he pulled the sword into two and whooshed up into the sky! Good action writing. And his forcing himself into negotiations is enticing too. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I really like what I have read so far. You have crafted a most interesting and unique storyline and your character development of James is well done. Your imaginative writing makes your sci fy thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

You really know how to start off with a bang! It was impossible to stop reading after that, you've got a great writing style, it gives your work a bit of a surreal feel, and that's not quite the right word but I have no idea how to describe it. It's unique, and I love that. Not quite what I read in my spare time but I'd read past what you have posted if only to see how this fast moving tale unfolds.

Good luck with this!!
Missy

Dear Michael,
It is interesting, the difference between reality and perception. I like the way your first chapter addresses that philosophical question right from the start. Very nice start!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!

Regarding your pitch, which still managed to hook me, by the way: What about the following?

Its not very often that one is blown out of his apartment, attacked by the military, and given powers which can determine the world's fate. James Arsenic lost everything only to face this rude awakening. Everything James needs to save the planet is in his hands, but what if everything is not as it seemed?

Breathtaking start.

Wow. Totally fantastic

backed

Michael,

You have an exciting idea here and the story advances at a rapid pace. There's an almost dream-like feeling that I'm sure is quite deliberate. You may care to read through looking for little edits, in a few places word choices don't seem quite right or there's the odd word out of place. I got the impression this was typed at a hundred miles an hour! Still, there's a cracking story here. Good luck with it.

Some parts of the story I defiantly rushed, an idea that comes in place that you can't help but typing out, and of course it makes it sound strange when its finished. Thanks a bunch for the comment/backing and incredible criticism though!

This isn't a read, this is a gallop. Lovers of the genre will not be able to put it down, BUT "I was never aware of what the value of our destinies lead" must be the clumsiest sentence I have ever read and it is your first line thus representing the whole book. Also check "In this darkness irked (lurked)? a digusting smell. It is criminal for niggles like this to put readers off when a quick edit would solve things. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Thanks a bunch! This is still in its early stages, so I welcome all the criticism, will get to fixing the introduction right away, realized how poorly worded that was.. Yup, its meant to grab the reader with constant sparks of action so they can keep reading.

This isn't a read, this is a gallop. Lovers of the genre will not be able to put it down, BUT "I was never aware of what the value of our destinies lead" must be the clumsiest sentence I have ever read and it is your first line thus representing the whole book. Also check "In this darkness irked (lurked)? a digusting smell. It is criminal for niggles like this to put readers off when a quick edit would solve things. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Michael,

You have an exciting idea here and the story advances at a rapid pace. There's an almost dream-like feeling that I'm sure is quite deliberate. You may care to read through looking for little edits, in a few places word choices don't seem quite right or there's the odd word out of place. I got the impression this was typed at a hundred miles an hour! Still, there's a cracking story here. Good luck with it.

Mike: I read Chapter 6. Nothing stuck out at me that requires fixing. One niggle: write yourself a right decent long pitch. This one does not work. BACKED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear MIchael
What a name for a MC love it . Your short pitch just got to me for sure and so I have opened your book ( so to speak)

I have not read all your book but for now I wish to assist your rapid climb to the top ... so will back it and comment later if you dont mind. SO wish you good luck
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
If you would take a look at my book and back it that would be so great. if not that is OK also
VERY best of luck
Denise

Thanks a bunch! I'll gladly take a look at it !

Dear MIchael
What a name for a MC love it . Your short pitch just got to me for sure and so I have opened your book ( so to speak)

I have not read all your book but for now I wish to assist your rapid climb to the top ... so will back it and comment later if you dont mind. SO wish you good luck
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
If you would take a look at my book and back it that would be so great. if not that is OK also
VERY best of luck
Denise

You are totally fantastic, Mike! :) How can I ever thank you for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

You already have! No problem :]

You are totally fantastic, Mike! :) How can I ever thank you for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

You already have! No problem :]

You are totally fantastic, Mike! :) How can I ever thank you for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

You have a knack for drawing the reader straight into your novel. A different sort of super hero that compels the reader to want to know more. backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Thanks for the lovely reply ;D!

Dear Michael
Your first chapter drew me in, hook line and sinker, and I found it hard to so stop reading. Empathy: Rebirth is must read thriller. Congratulations on posting it, not only will it do well on Authonomy, but I believe it has great potential in the publishing world.
I wish you much success
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

Thank you so much!!

You have a knack for drawing the reader straight into your novel. A different sort of super hero that compels the reader to want to know more. backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Dear Michael
Your first chapter drew me in, hook line and sinker, and I found it hard to so stop reading. Empathy: Rebirth is must read thriller. Congratulations on posting it, not only will it do well on Authonomy, but I believe it has great potential in the publishing world.
I wish you much success
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

EMPATHY: REBIRTH
This is an interesting story. I had a little trouble at first understanding what was happening – but your writing style is so engaging, I just kept on reading. You have a good balance between dialogue and description. Enjoyed this a lot. I’m adding it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 8th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Your book certainly keeps the reader in suspense.It is hard to put down once started and that makes for an excellent read.
Good character's well thought out and the book flows well.
You are very good with description and the voice comes over clear.
I wish you well with it and back it for sure.SHELVED.

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest)

Dear Micheal, I love your super-hero - out to preserve humanity - great setting of WWII - lots of action. :) Great write. :) Hope you write many more books. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."