The Awakening

You know what you're doing. This is fine work. usually I'll mention the pacing or the imagery or how the writer was able to strike just the right (or nearly right) balance between the Real and the Fantastic. I'm not going to say any of that in this case because it's redundant. This is a book. This is a real book that I would really buy if I was skimming new authors in a bookstore. Since that's my only criterion for backing, guess what happens now.

Hi Stuart,

In a few words: The Awakening is a book I would purchase.

The characters are believable and well-developed. Your narratives are descriptive and move the plot at a steady pace. I enjoyed the mixture of internal thoughts and dialogue, allowing the reader to share Alexander's experiences in a very personal way and empathize with him as the story develops.

I am sending stars your way and adding The Awakening to my bookshelf. Well done and best of luck to you making the Editor's Desk this month!

Deb

Stuart,

This is one hell of an example of how to write a fantastic YA novel.

Alexander is a likeable MC, I love how you have developed the characters of his family, the horrendous bullies and the beautiful Gabriella!

I desperately need to know more about these mysterious shadows & eyes and the ‘veil’.

I still don’t know whether to trust Faru, this is so exciting, I cannot wait to find out more about his world and how this will turn out for Alex & Ella. You have a wonderful ability to create such vivid imagery and capture the imagination of your reader.

I think this novel will do fantastically well and I cannot wait till I can pick this up from the bookshop and boast about it to my friends!

Inspiring prose and enthralling scenes. BACKED with pleasure.

I only ask that you let me know as soon as you add more! 6 stars!

Rebecca

If you take the time to read all twelve chapters presented here, 'The Awakening' will amply reward your diligence, for this is a story about many things. On the surface it is a story of a young Alexander Eden who has to date been less than successful in prosecuting his life. His teen years are a trial with a somewhat less than ideal family arrangement. Bullies assail him at school, girls ignore him and he is neither good looking nor particularly talented.

Then he meets the mysterious Gabriella and dares to hope that things could be different.Slowly they become so but there is a price and although Alexander secretly wonders about that price, his new found popularity gains ascendancy in his psyche.

Then there is the story of the others. Shadow beings who seem hidden in the forest, who shop and provide and clean up after Alex's adventures, and who seem to be watching over him when terror strikes. Who is Gabriella and why does she select Alexander? What will Alexander do with his new abilities. Will the dark side of the 'Veil' seize his uncontrolled anger and claim him?

And so finally 'The Awakening' is a story of good and evil as Faru transports Alexander to his 'world'. The why of that world and the reasons for Alexander's selection will no doubt answer many things but at the end of chapter 12 we do not really know that any more than Alexander does.

You have crafted the beginning or 'awakening' of a fine story here Stuart, one with an uncomplicated universal appeal to a wide audience and that is the hallmark of a commercial success. I think you will find that success but experience leads me to believe that finding it may be akin to Gabriella locating that door in the subway tunnel.

Keep pushing man. Never let up even when clouds the color of 'bruises' rear above the horizon. And no matter what, keep writing. RT

This is excellent! Definately something I'd pick up and read if (when) it's published. You are a very talented writer and many of your descriptions stayed with me. The vague, chilling preface reminded me of the beginning of Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" series. It's a no-brainer for me to back this. Good luck in everything you do!

-Blair
Children of the Stars: Blue Fire

Hi Stuart,

Now that the race is over I managed to read The Awakening, the story that intrigued me for a long time, but it is only now that I managed to get to it. I read all the chapters available and enjoyed the story. I wish there were the continuation here. My favourite chapter is Chapter 6. I enjoyed it the most.
While reading I came across a few things to perfect, not sure if those would be necessary, but still.
Chapter 4
Gabriella waved a dismissive hand and smiled, talking her seat. [taking]
Chapter 6
The CD activated and the soft rock into of ‘Rise’ by Soulfire [intro of ‘Rise’?]
Chapter 7
Still seething, I ground the car to a halt on Martin Street - a quiet road not too from my house. [not too far]
The sharp sound echoed through the woods. … My muscles were taught like overstretched chords. [taut]
Gabriella shifted into a cross legged position on the bed. … maybe they noticed it to. [too]
Chapter 8
As I trudged downstairs my eyebrows raised at the sight of the hallway filled with suitcases. [eyebrows rose?]
It sat innocently in the space between the doorstep and hedge like a patient visitor. … all my things which had previously lay scattered [lain scattered]
Chapter 9
“I know everything!” Gabriella blazed, cutting me off. … Turning back to me her tone was softer [ambiguity]
Chapter 10
- I obeyed without a single argument. I felt numb. … I’d known from the start that something up with this girl [something was up].
Chapter 11
The room was monumental. Thick, golden pillars … Comets of fire reigned down [rained down]
As we approached, the old man pushed back his cowl. I swallowed hard, taking in the rest of his face. His skin was winkled [wrinkled]
I jumped. Faru was standing next to me. … The only thing that really appeared to have remained the same were his decorative robes [was his decorative robes]

I hope this’ll be helpful.
Ivan

Hey Stuart! Just letting you know I finally got my bk uploaded Mon., Words God Gave Me; so if you get a chance check it out. It's inspirational poetry, a little autobiographical, with m y own personal views stitched in. It's totally different from you style of writing, but plz have an open mind. Have a great day, and may God bless you!

dunno if its just me but is there chapters missing ??????

I enjoyed the flow of descriptive terms and characterizations. I have an estremely vivid imagination, so the way you used your words caused the scenes to flash before the theatre screen of my mind. The only suggestion I have is unless you a specifically speaking of our God who created everything, our Father in Heaven, the word god should be in lower case letters. Otherwise this is really good work!

Good luck and thanks for making your review public!

SC Dwinnell, "From the Chyrsalis"

congrats thats the most positive review I've seen in ages. xx

"Extremely marketable" Nice

*Updated:

Stuart,

What amazing work. Thank you for turning me onto your book, even though it took me awhile to get to it. Not that you needed my help! Congrats on your success!

By now with all the well-deserved recognition, you've received, you are probably aware of the minor edits below, but since I know I'd like people to point these things out to me, I thought I would mention them. I've noticed through the drafts of my own novel(s) that each new set of eyes that looks at it finds something I've missed.

I should remind you that I'm American, so some of the things I've found may be different in England, so you can disregard those!

Here goes: (I think the first few are chapter 4 - as per authonomy chapters - but I wasn't taking note at the time)

When Tim is talking and does air quotes with his fingers, you called them "commas" instead of quotation marks.

After he glares at the nasty girls in the lunchroom, he thinks "I bought that on myself" - should be "brought"

Ch 5:
Gabriella waved a dismissive hand [talking] (taking) her seat .
...the sound (was) like music to my ears.
"Uh...I..no...I..." I stammered (missing a period)
In the fish shop -- "I'm sorry...Mikey"? (question mark should be before the quotes)
In the park -- (Missing quotes before) Alexander i believe - no,"
That evening I was (the) hot topic...

--Various capital letters that are unnecessary or inconsistent --
Miss Steele "...Student pass rate" (lowercase s?)
Gabriella "...by the main entrance for Lunch" (lowercase l?)
Sixth form/Sixth Form - it was written both ways
Video rental (lowercase v?)
School (lowercase s)

Ch 6:
After the car crash he makes a reference about a "17 year old person" but he's 18.

Ch 7:
Key fob (I looked it up so I know its like the key chain from the manufacturer that has the unlock/lock button on it, but we don't use this phrase in the US)
unnecessary capitals on Rich Uncle (r...u...)

Ch 8:
I [Looked] (looked) down at it again
...charging in [prefect] (perfect) unison

Ch 9:
'Mr Hanley wheezed his large frame into the classroom and deposited his gelatinous frame onto the chair'
** - nothing wrong with it, I just love that line! :)

Ch 10:
**I love the drunk scene! It's so accurate to how people really act!
...keeping my head down in (case) someone recognised me.
Everything would be so much more difficult if we had (hadn't ?) unconnected the police.

Ch 13:
Tinkerbell (or Tinker Bell)
"This is a human soul Alexander. (missing quotations)

Ch 14:
"There used to be about [a] six hundred new Awakenings every year across the [word] (world)." ([a] not needed)

Ch 15:
Rachel "...don't (think) this means you are getting out of your homework
"Is that (what) you did?"
"It would help if I knew what the hell I"m supposed to be doing! (missing quotations) I retorted...
**You refer to Delagio as having a South American twang. To me until you repeated it later, I though you meant he was from South America. Not Southern American or the Southern US. We just call it Southern twang when they're from the south.
Unnecessary capital - Showtime

Ch 16:
driver door = driver's side door
**Jeep and Range Rover are different companies. You could just say SUV.
"forgive me, I [forger] (forget) his name."

Lastly, I know other people have mentioned length and it too long for YA...blah, blah, blah. Before I decided to split mine into three separate stories, Silent Tears as a whole was over 164K. The only reason I chose to split mine into a series is because not all of us are as lucky as Stephenie Meyer (Twilight = 118K) or JK Rowling (but even her first Harry Potter was high average at about 75K).

Well done and best of luck with the future of The Awakening!
Wendy (Gwendolyn)
Breakaway

Chosen we rise... together we prevail. Neat tagline for a movie.

Hi Stuart,

I have just read the first two chapters of The Awakening. I found the characters believable; the class room scene really took me back to my school days, I am looking forward to reading more. Good luck with your novel, I am sure it will not be long before I see The Awakening in the book shops. It is a pleasure to back such a good book.

Andy.

I WANT to read more!!!! please tell me you will put more up?! i cant fault you book! ive been putting off reading the last chapter for the last week because i didnt want to get to the end of it and now i have im gutted i want more! please put up another chapter....... wow i feel like a drug addict asking for just one more hit lol pleeeeeeeaaaaase :D

xx
sarah-jean

http://www.authonomy.com/books/35795/moonlight-sonata/

Hi,

Polished. Just the right pace and flow. The characters are introduced at the right time. I hope you it will be published.

Congratulations,I kept your book on my shelf and it was a pleasure

Helen x

Hi Stuart!

What a marvelous read!! I would buy this book in a heartbeat. Great job and loved the characters. Thank you for sharing your book here.

Congrats!!! Glad to see you made it.

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is gripping. YA's are going to love this- it has everything: social isolation, danger, adrenaline, magic, beauty! You are good and writing cliff-hanger sentences at the end of chapters, making the reader 'turn the page'. I love descriptions like 'darting around the kitchen like an agitated wasp'. Only one thing- shouldn't CH2 start with 'Sleep didn't come easily those days' rather than 'these'? Backed.

Up to Ch6 and really enjoying. You've given a very good voice to Alex which kept me reading at it. There is good pace and characterization, although unless it's the start of a trilogy, when does the action start? Although I've thought that, unusually for that I have kept reading as it has kept me interested.

I've read the first several chapters and sense good writing. Detail. Intrigue. Suspense. You describe events well and keep the audience waiting, and wondering, at the next step.

The preface is gripping. There's very real feeling that is portrayed through solid writing. It also creates a lot of unanswered questions. What are the creatures? Who is this man who lays here dying? What is The Sorrow? Way to build intrigue! It's a very strong way to hook your reader.

Chapter 1 begins in Alexander's mind, and much like the preface, a quick connection is made with him through his feelings. You do a good job of making him sympathetic and easy to relate to. By the end of the first chapter, it's hard not to cheer for him because he's having such a hard time.

This is well-edited and polished. The writing is compelling and has a natural flow to it.

While the conflict takes a lighter tone in the first chapter, you once again give us a solid hook at the end, keeping your reader intrigued by hinting at the coming conflict. Nicely done.

Minor typos: You have a misused semicolon. "They approach in the distance; hundreds of them." Ear splitting should be hyphenated, "Ear-splitting."

I see why this is on the desk. This is a well-written, intriguing story that will appeal to readers of this genre. Good work!

There is something very personal in this story. It is deep and has had me hooked from the beginning. I wish I could write like this. When my friends read the first few chapters of my work they told me that they could see me in it, it is a work of fiction but I think most creative and imaginative writers subconsiously leave a little bit of themselves in the story and I think it has certainly added an emotional connection to your work that would otherwise be lost in the fantasy of it. I would buy this from a bookstore. Your characters are so real and you mix reality and imagination so well that I believe this book will appeal to all regardless of age etc.

Great read coming from a TV Junkie. wish you luck!!!

I'm continuing to send out messages to others on this site to get some new people to read your book I think they will love it as much as I do Also Just as I have done with the book "When it Reigns" I gave you a 6 star But I actually would rate it a 5 1/2 But since they do not have 1/2 stars I just rounded it out to 6 Best of luck in your pursuit in staying on the editors desk and a prayer goes out to you that you be published I will continue to help you as much as I can on my end Take care

I heard about your predicament I saw the message you left Todd Davis for "When it Reigns" I never got to finish reading your book But I planned on backing you after I read the first few paragraphs But wanted to see a bit more before doing so You are a very talented writer I joined this site to read good books and help get their name out to others to read I definitely want to read more and would be more than happy to promote you to others on this site I hope you land on the editors desk Your book is worthy of it

From the first few chapters I was hooked and really need to find out how this will work out. The well created characters make you feel for them and you hope that Alex will find his true inner self and become the stuff that heros are made from.
I can't wait until this is published, as it surely must be, so that it can take its place on my real bookshelf. Well done Stuart.

Hi Stuart, I'm only too pleased to back The Awakening' again. I thought it was great the first time I read it, and it's STILL great. You really deserve to have it published. Good luck my friend.

Kate Grimes -LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES -TALES OF WILLOW GREEN -ANNIE

An enjoyable read. Not bad for a first book and at such a young age. I look forward to reading the finished work

Stuart

I have reached chapter 5, (or your chap 4 inc prologue) and am impressed and drawn along by your writing skills and narrative. I am not surprised this is riding so high in the charts here.

About half way through the prologue you wrote: “They approach in the distance; hundreds of them. Scuttling, jumping, crawling their way through the pouring rain … a sea of evil urging towards me.”
This is so arresting and nightmarish I wonder if it ought to start the prologue. I don’t believe anyone could NOT read beyond a line as evocative as that.

As you have seen from the comments other have written everyone has a different take on your writing but here are some points I feel you might like to contemplate:

1. In chapter one you spend a great deal of time introducing characters rather than letting their backstory emerge from the writing. Take a look at Mayfield Maleficarum on this site for a brilliant way of keeping the reader locked into the story but allowing them to learn all the character’s backstory.
2. Your prose is a little too passive at times eg: “I’d been lying awake for hours” is more striking as “I’d lie awake for hours.”
3. Chapter One starts with the protagonist waking up, going down for breakfast, meet and greet his family etc. I have been told by readers in publishing houses this is a suicidal start. They don’t want to read about someone waking up in the morning, having their breakfast and going to work but are inundated with prospective writers offering them this. You have laid a few hooks with your excellent prologue but I fear not enough to get the impatient reader through your present chapter one.
4. You have made life hard for yourself by having a hero who is a passive, loser. I am not sure characters like this entice the reader. For example he is allowed to hate his bullies, that would give him some dark depth. At present he just accepts his situation.
5. Also his bullying is pretty pedestrian. A bit of jostling and name calling. Can you think up some really wicked prank they might pull on this passive loser? Remember they know Alex won’t fight back so he is at their mercy. As an idea: throw water over his pants to make it look as though he has wet himself. Paint his hair luminous green. I bet you can come up with something.truly horrible.
6. I cannot see why Gabriella is attracted to him. My understanding of women is as bleak as the next man’s but passive; wimps do not appear to be top of their rating list. However I appreciate you may have a neat twist later in the narrative to explain why she likes him. At the moment I am unconvinced. This being her first day etc., could Alex do something to help her? Anything for the reader to understand why she might like him. Eg what if the bullies sent her to the wrong lecture theatre as a laugh and Alex was able to redirect her. She would then be on his side against the bullies.



Despite my reservations your writing is sharp enough to carry me through to Chapter 3 and here is my reward. The nightmare in the graveyard is brilliantly visualised and felt. Now I feel you’re story’s engine is running at full pelt. Now I need to know more.

You have excellent foundations here and I will read more, desperate to find out what his nightmares are about.

Good luck and I will definitely give this a high score and hopefully keep you in the top 5. You are writing for an established market so I think the wind is in your sails. Your success here I am sure will be reflected in bookshops.

S L Stockford Fresco

Hi Stewart, thanks and how could you do this to me? Great story well written and quite frankly I could not put it down read the whole thing in one sitting, and where the hell is the rest?

You have learnt your craft well, I am sorry that as a dyslexic I never had the opportunity to attend a school of writing, masterly composed, interesting and ravishingly stylish in every detail. I will buy your book because it is the kind of refreshingly clever and new style that every decent library should posses. More I shall place it on my shelve here. I will support your book and I shall study it in more detail, a good story is great but this is one step better. Thanks and send me the ending will you, it's like watching a film to find the DVD skips over the damaged bit the ending and goes straight to credits.

I'm really enjoying this book. I'm only a couple of chapters in, but I find myself craving to read more, and thinking about the story when I'm not reading it. This is one of those books that sticks with you. Best of luck with the editors desk, I hope you win. I'd really like to see this book get published one day! :)

Really enjoyed the opening part of this book and look forward to seeing the completed work. A very mature style for a young author. The story flows and I am intrigued by the direction it will take.

proud of you mate,cracking

Chpt. 3
Sorry if this is a duplicate message, I keep getting error messages from the website.

Missing some punctuation in the interchange between Rita & Leanne.

Count how many times you use the words "whilst" and "that".

Also, headstone and tombstone shouldn't be capitalized, unless of course you're talking about Tombstone Pizza.

...school involved, It'll just... remove the capital "I"

Lasagne doesn't need to be capitalized-- at least in America it doesn't. We don't like it that much.

You should italicize the title of the book Rebecca. I keep thinking you're talking about another character.

I still love Alexander's voice/character though my ears (or eyes) are having to adjust to the speech patterns. is this set in England or Australia? Or some planet where they say stuff like "football pitch" and "maths"?

Wow! What pace! I read five chaps straight. I usually do three. This is wonderful. Setting and storyline is incredible--easily stepped into. It just drags you along. Granted, I didn't need to be dragged. I was running along. ;D This is a wonderful book. It has real emotion, and I love Alex's character. Whenever you get published, let me know!
By the way, I did notice a few minor errors--in the first chap at the table, I think, you put "whist" when I think you meant "whilst". I don't remember what the other two were....Sorry.

--Shieldmaiden

Hi Stuart,

Wow 159K of writing, that's really something to be proud of. Alexander is likeable, but his lack of a backbone really didn't set him up as the unlikely hero that he is suppose to become. When people work towards a goal, what befalls them after, is usually in line with whatever they were trying to achieve in the first place.

One bad thing happens to him after another and then finally he chinks down coins (your words) into the parking ticket dispenser, slaps the ticket on his dashboard and sulks off (my words). It just seems like this guy is dying the proverbial 'thousand deaths,' before he even goes on his first quest - who could recover from that?

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories
Alecner

'The Awakening' grabs right away, a must for YA. If the pace maintains throughout, you have a winner here.

Best of luck with it.

Suz

What a splendid introduction! The reader is made to empathise with Alex as he is compared to his half brother and bullied in school. Alex's voice is strong and I can't help but wish something would happen to change his circumstances. I know it does.

Stuart,

This is an engrossing novel. The first 10 chapters flew by, and I could easily see myself buying this from a shop and finishing it in one sitting. I agree with some of the other comments on here - there are a few mistakes - but none of them detracted (for me) from what I think is a superb 1st draft.

Simon.

Stuart,

The Awakening has been on my WL for a while, but when I saw you'd made the top five, I thought I'd better give it a read and help you stay there through the end of June. The decision to back it was easy to make.

Your preface serves as a good hook: even having no idea what has come before, I felt drawn into the scene and moved by the sadness, regret, and love of the protagonist. But it was his curiosity that really got me. He had to see how the end of everything was going to go down. A failed hero who is still curious -- now that's interesting. I want to know who this guy is and how he got here. Chapter 1 shows a typical morning in his miserable, everyday existence, and chapter 2 introduces the incredible girl who chooses to talk to him -- and saves his ass while noticing that he's a stand-up guy in his own right. Obviously, everything is about to change for Alex. Nice work.

I noted a small number of specific corrections, detailed below. In general, remember that when characters address each other by name, the name is set off by a comma: "Bye, Gabriella," or "Alexander, come here." Sometimes you do it and sometimes not. The same is true with little words like oh, well, okay, and yeah at the beginning or end of sentences. It just flows better.

Preface:
no obvious typos

Ch 1
whist should be whilst or while

Ch 2
This was often as Andrew Pearson; did you mean often as not?

rapid baseline I think you wanted bass line

I'm a sucker for nerdy-underdog heroes. (Check out Crane's Way for my take on it). Good work here and best of luck with it!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

I really love your story... the preface is what hooked me, then drew me into your work. I feel both dialogue and back-story is rythmic and... how to say... non-chlorinated. It has bite!

I really love your story... the preface is what hooked me, then drew me into your work. I feel both dialogue and back-story is rythmic and... how to say... non-chlorinated. It has bite!

Stuart,
Have read all 16.
Different. riveting and page turning not your average vamp tale at all. Great read. Thanks for asking me to take a look.
Hope you make the desk this month!
:)
Diane

Wow!!! You can write!!! Can't wait to find this book in a book store or on e books! Ronnie PS I know you are busy, so you don't have to respond. Just wanted to encourage you to keep writing.

Having read the first few chapters I have to know what's going to happen to Alex and Gabriella. This must be published so that I can find out and satisfy my curiousity.

It's not often that a first book it so polished and I applaud your literary skill in hooking the reader into the story and the characters. You write like an experienced author.

Well done and good luck.

The prologue was extremely good and won you a ride on my shelf. I have a few favors to return before I do that, so it'll go up probably this weekend. Lauri (Lela Markham - The Willow Branch)

LF40


The opening genre elements of the prologue didn't work as well as the in-scene conflicts of the family in the first chapter. It seems like that is a section meant solely to convince the reader that something will happen- not an ill conceived device, but not an unexplored one either. What I most enjoyed was the gradual characterization of the first person as a more or less social outcast, the clean description of the family and the feeling that the first person had something to lose- such as innocence and his fragile sensitivity. One element I later criticize is the sentence structure, which is an easy fix. The introductory phrases I address in greater detail further on. While the strength of the first chapter was the family interaction, it seems as though the tension should be wrung even tighter. The prologue was too non-specific and didn't really add to the conflict for me, but rather made the actual slow start expected. The family tension is the key to your opening, and the more uneasy the primary character is, the greater the scene will be.

Here are some structural observations:

[Sleep didn’t come easily these days.]
Verb choice with 'did not come' with the repetition of 'did' in the following sentence.

[The ache of sadness tugged at the walls of my stomach.]
For someone who repeats this action, the notion that the common habitual activity incites a sadness that tugs at the walls of his stomach is melodramatic.

[I’d never known this man, yet every time I saw this picture it felt like my heart was breaking.]
This is another reason why the compulsory activity should be read between the lines. Let the actions speak for themselves and leave the explicit stating of the character's feelings to moments when it's necessary. The scene reads stronger without the interjection of 'I see this – causing me to feel this' just show the action and let the reader interpret.

[Ritual completed, I tucked the photo back into its place. Resting my head back on the pillow, I closed my eyes and tried to force myself back to sleep.]
I noticed this before, but ignored it as the previous sentences worked pretty well. This structure seems like you may be prone to recalibrating phrases to initiate your sentences. What I'm talking about are the introductory phrases 'Ritual completed...' and 'Resting my head...' What the statement is doing is offering context to the action that hasn't been read yet. Sometimes it's a good way to say things, but many times it becomes a constant recalibration that once recognized is difficult to ignore. The larger issue is that the sustained use of these phrases stifles the flow of the read. It would smooth the read to reword these sentences without the speed bumps.

[Lying still for a moment, I listened to the steady pattering of the winter rain on the bedroom window.]
Recalibrating open.

[Heaving back the covers, I was hit by the bitter chill of the morning. Teeth chattering, I grabbed a towel from the back of the computer chair and paced to the bathroom for a shower.]
Recalibrating opens. Another downfall is that it forces your otherwise active sentence to be passive, as you're opening with the passive action.

[After somehow managing to tame my coarse hair into something resembling a style, I trudged downstairs and into the breakfast room.]
This is another slight pitfall of the perpetual introductory phrase. It's a quick fix to make the flow as smooth as it can be. The word 'after' is a context for a action occurring in the active story. That is to say you're stating your first action in a passive retrospect to give context to another action. There is no need to mention or draw attention to time with the word 'after.' Rater saying 'I somehow managed to tame my coarse hair into something resembling a style and trudged downstairs...' Without drawing attention to time, the order of events is still understood following the removal of useless elements.

[It was one of those open plan setups, the blue and white tiled kitchen blending into a carpeted area filled by a large oak table.]
This isn't someone talking about their own kitchen. This is how one would describe a location they've never seen before. Include the description in the forward moving action, with the degree of familiarity befitting of the character. 'The blue and white tiles...'

[The rest of my … his gorilla-like fist.]
Short but concise visuals for the family.

[It’s supposed to be a good area!”]
Not correct or incorrect- just some thoughts. I wonder about the size of the location mentioned. Of course he doesn't mean London, as even us uncultured yanks know better. Are the murders restricted to the immediate vicinity/neighborhood?

[a large pan on the hob.]
And who among us doesn't enjoy a good cooking on the hob? I would like to take this opportunity to say: you limey bastard.

[she added]
This is another element that isn't incorrect, but is a matter of attaining a flowing, cerebral style. The situation has already contextualized the mother's voice and the mood pretty well. To say that she 'added' is redundant, as one could say she 'replied' or any number of things really that would all be true, yet not really something that needs to be explained to the reader. This doesn't strike most as an issue, but the smart reader begins to take offense to being told things they already know- and adversely they'll feel rewarded when the obvious goes untold.


[Taking my spot at the table, I poured a glass of orange juice. A few minutes later an overcooked fried breakfast was set down in front of me.]
Both of these sentences have introductory phrases that can be reworked for a smoother flow. 'Taking my spot at the table' and 'a few minutes later.' I've spent a lot of time on this, but it really is interrupting what can be a silky smooth flow.

[Once seated, he absently rubbed his knee with one hand, whist drowning his food in brown sauce with the other.]
Introductory.

[He held the gaze for a second before clearing his throat.]
This is a variant of the introductory phrase which shares the same issue of illusionary time. What perpetrates this is the word 'before.' The words 'and cleared' keep everything active and flowing.

[John kept his gaze fixed on me while he waited for my response.]
Consider replacing 'while' with 'and.' The reason is that one places the situation in a suspended time, while the conjunction implies the action is actively occurring and requires a response. On a semi-conscious sort of level this creates more tension.

[There was no way I could ever join a football team.]
Ahhhhh...I suppose we're talking about soccer then? I would like to take this space to inquire about the suspect dental hygiene of your peoples, and verily say: you limey bastard.

[I’d often watched the cool guys score goals and get girls and fantasised about being the one in their studded boots.]
This sentence needs rewording because of the swapping action. It reads that the first person watched the cool guys score goals, get girls and … then the sentence doesn't work because of the inconsistency of action.

[In addition, my fitness levels were worthy of any nursing home.]
I like this sentiment. It feels like a word is missing here. A solid adverb between 'were' and 'worthy' would support the humorous tone this intends.

[After months of surgery he’d left the hospital with a fake kneecap and a shattered future.]
Sort of a cheese line, but it works.

[such a condescending idiot.]
This sentence feels like it needs a more descriptive object than 'idiot.'

[Primarily she taught children how to play.]
Cut 'how to play' as it's implied.

[Everyone tended to switch off, appeasing her with nods and smiles]
I like the characterization but am torn on the action 'appeasing.' It fits, however there may be other things to describe the non-committal support of her family.

[it was a matter of time before a scout scooped him up.]
Feels like the word just/only/simply/merely is missing here.

[John took a long slurp from his coffee. Smacked his lips.]
The second sentence can be taken in ways other than intended. Include an 'and' after coffee and fuse these sentences.

[He countered.]
This is a redundant tag. Without it the sharp dialog flows better.

[“Actually, I was ... spent lots of time alone.]
Great characterization in this paragraph. I like the first person more in this section than others. A good human element.

[he questioned]
Red tag, 'he gestured towards me.'


Similar observations recur.

hi stuart

i have to say first off that judging by the comments and such your book sounds like another teen twilight paranormal thingy - which i generally avoid like plague. however just within a quick scan of the first chapter, a few descriptions caught my eye, a tongue-in-cheek sarcastic narration which i really enjoyed, and soon, a paranormal element introduced slowly and with an underlying context that works. its a bit postmodern (and what isn't nowadays) but it works.
I would say it was a little tiresome having so many chapters beginning with Eden waking up. later on in the novel the pandemonians etc are put in well but, and this may be because of a little skipping on my part, i didn't see a lot of point to them suddenly starting on a military style mission and base. it was odd, considering the earlier story.
that said i think your book would fly of YA shelves in the stores, is absolutely up to the level of being published, and shows off all the traits a successful writer seems to have in that field today.
its not my personal cup of tea - but i really like your narration and sarcastic voice.
consider it backed with enthusiasm, and i hope it helps your rank be a little more secure for this month.

NB - i might add that one of my main characters i also named Eden, but a girl, newly minted into the world as a mutant with DNA that could save Earth.
check it out and return the read - Drifters: Beyond the Lunatic Fringe

toby
Drifters

I am still backing tht awakening. It is a good young adult story with vampires and majic that is well written.
Rich
'Partners'