Sometime in Andalusia

Michael Clifford, born on November 4, 1959 passed away on Friday, January 13, 2012. He is survived by two underaged children. He was able to complete his ambition of becoming an author and published his two books on Amazon. All the proceeds goes to his children.
May his soul rest in peace.

Thank you Michael!
As a child in the 70s, we went on holiday to Spain every year. Your book, although based in a completely different part of the country, brought it back to me.
Even though I was pretty young, I remember that the Guardia Civil were terrifying (even if their hats did remind me of the green triangle Quality Street chocolates). I don't know if I was ever told, or just absorbed the fact that they were powerful men.
The atmosphere you create is spot on - there has never been another smell like Spanish cigarettes and cigars. And rooms were thick with it.

Having said that, I wonder how this reads to someone who didn't know that Spain. The writing and descriptions are good, although perhaps a little editing is required. Perhaps there's a bit too much reference to the future and the consequences, for example.

Personally, and feel free to ignore, I felt it needed a bit more structure. Chapters are long and while a number of things happen, they can lack impact because something else is already happening. I'm not suggesting being formulaic, just give the reader a chance to take a break before giving them something different to take in.

I know you've already published this, but perhaps these comments are something to consider for the next novel. Of, like I said, just take no notice.

Thanks again for bringing my childhood back to me. I'll be putting you on my shelf as soon as there's space.

Good luck with sales!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

First off,  I love the premise of this storyline. For some reason I always enjoy reading about teachers' adventures, and I also love Spain and enjoy books which have a little Spanish thrown in. And there's plenty in your storyline to explore - and lots of mystery to keep us reading.
I think the prose could do with a little bit of editing - I couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was, but there were some sentences I had to read twice to make sure I got, especially in the opening. (Then again, I'm very tired today!). Was the word "fab" really around in the 70s? (I thought it was more a 90s thing). Also the sentence "I had to ask the kids sitting next to me to sit down" is a bit clumsy and I'm not sure that you need that at all - you can just talk about Priz shouting at the ones in the back. It's little things like that - I read my book out loud to catch them, it's tedious and you feel like an idiot but it really does help with pickingthings out. 
I wonder too if you're introducing too many characters and variables on the first couple of pages - I'm not quite sure what to focus my attention on - the thing with the passport guy recognising his name, or the problem with the Indonesian kid, or the mysterious comment about Priz and communes... there's maybe a little bit too much going on. 
That all sounds very negative and I don't mean it to - I think with a bit of tweaking (which I know is probably the last thing you want to hear if you've been working on this forever) it could work well. 

I like the opening but I am not sure why the first three words are all in capitols. The first paragraph commands the readers attention and coaxes one to keep going. This is well written with a good balance of descriptive dialog and narration. The first chapter is a very long but the quality of the writing kept me going.
Sometimes in Andalusia gets high marks and backing from me.
Thanks for the offering. Please consider The Red Poppy (http://www.authonomy.com/books/39358.the-red-poppy) which is posted as a complete novel, or: Raindancer (http:// www.authonomy.com/books/39200/raindancer) which is a work in progress.

P Alan Davis

I started reading your novel, and the first thing that caught me is the length of the first chapter. This is a personal preference, but I like short, fast chapters, that keep the pages turning. Now, because this is in digital form, it's a little different, but it still feels heavy scrolling down. Maybe something quick, and gritty to grab the reader at first, and then the long intro? Just a suggestion.

Also, I noticed you don't put a period after the abbreviations Mr. I'm not 100% on proper punctuation, but I think there needs to be a period there. I may be completely wrong, so don't take my word for it.

As far as your writing, it's brilliant. This isn't my genre, but I like your writing style. It a solid mix between dialog and description. Highly starred.

M.E. Shekinah
Albert: A Gray Matter

Sometime in Andalusía is a fascinating, tragic, romantic story, set in a surreal place, during one of España´s most difficult times.

Robert´s character is profoundly thought through, and we come to like him and sympathize with him right from the beginning.

The moods and hues of Spain are well depicted. It is clear to me that the author loves what he sees and feels; and this creates an instant bond with the main character.

Backed and starred with pleasure.

Elina
CLASH - A Novel of Extremes

Michael,
Love your setting in this part of the world. Nothing is as enjoyable and sensuous as dinner and a Flamenco show in Spain, sort of like dinner and an evening of Fado in Portugal. It tweaks the senses and makes you thankful for the privilege. I haven’t read the rest of your story, but intend on doing so.
Highly rated and shelved.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Sometime in Andalusia is a remarkable book. The pitch is the enticing factor. Great opening paragraph in The First Day dealing with coincidence ―I enjoyed the gist. Immigration and insufficient paperwork is my idea of a nightmare, especially with an unstamped Ugandan passport. With a mass of children waiting to get on a plane, tensions are high especially for the reader. Since they are allowed entry even after questions, is something sinister brewing? The characters, which I suspect will become more colorful as the pages turn, are many especially when you consider an entire class of boys and girls. This is an ambitious piece. The plot is extremely compelling and I can’t wait to see how it pans out. It’s a profound book that requires a great deal of attention and thought. My kind of book. High stars. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Hi, I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

Chapter 1: Intriguing 1st paragraph. Will this story explore the nature of coincidence and human supersticions? the 2nd paragaph is portentious too. I want to read on and see where all this is going.

I've 1 small suggestion, though. I think sometimes this would read even better if some sentences were clearer and more direct. eg I found the sentence starting "If Priz had done her job..." a bit overlong and twisty. is there any way you simplify such sentences or split them into 2? Generally, I read through a manuscript out loud to try and spot sticky sentences. When I start running out of breath, I look again at the offending sentence. I think that's the easiest way to check for such things.:)

Reading on... Hmmm a school trip to spain. That could go so horribly wrong. I hope it does. I want to see the fallout ;).

I've a small dialogue suggestion here. I think you occasionally need some more speech tags. I found myself getting a bit confused as to who was saying what.

Reading on... 1st cockup already. Passport problem. I thought they'd at least get into Spain before the real problems started;). Good dilogue by the way. It sounds real and flows well.

I've 1 tiny suggestion on layout, though. I think dialogue reads faster and easier when you lead off with it instead of burying it lower down in paragraphs. A few times you have dialogue low down. Is there any way you could rejig a bit to bring the dialogue out?

Reading on... Hmmm to start with, I thought the passport officer was just the sort of petty beaurocrat we see the world over, but now I'm starting to think this could get nastier. Why's he asking about Robert's father? Worrying. I want to read on and find out what's going on.

I was surprised when the passport people actually let them through without complaint. Something strange is definitely going on here. I think Robert has a secret in his family past.

I feel sorry for the black kid, getting hassled like that. Ominous. It's starting to look like this was a really bad time to bring these kids to the country. They actually make it to the bus safely, though. Again, I'm surprised. I thought they'd have been delayed/questioned for ages.

I like the kids' actions. They're just so oblivious to the potantial seriousness of their situation in Spain. It's just like kids.

I've 1 suggestion on adverbs here. I think 90% of the time the right verb does a better job than a weaker verb-adverb pair. eg in "...Sarah marched proudly..." proudly doesn't really fit with marched, so the description jars a bit. If you want to imply pride, I think something like "... Sarah strutted..." would work better. Increasingly, I think an important part of writing is always striving for the most fitting verbs. :)

Reading on... Ah it looks like we'll learn more about Robert's dad. Good. That was the bit the most intrigues me so far. But Robert doesn't want to talk about it. Damn. I'll have to keep reading to find out more.

Then the moment's passed, and we're back to the kids being irritating little sods. Again, more ominous hints the country's on a knife edge, but I doubt the kids will listen to Robert's warnings. I like the contrast between Robert and Priz. Robert tries to reason with the kids, while Priz just shouts them down. i think I know who's more effective in this situation ;).

I actually sort of sympathise with Bernice. We all feel nervous when dropped into a situation outside our comfort zone. I hope she'll get up the courage to try talking in spanish.

Hmmm who's the ominous stranger in the bar? Some sort of security or secret police? Scary. I was surprised by Robert chatting up the Senorita. I didn't think he'd have the guts.

A tiny suggestion here. I think Schadenfreude jars a bit in this Spanish setting. + I think the word's an explanation we don't need. You've already shown us pefectly the Schadenfreude of the holidaymakers and locals by telling us about them smirking. The reader can infer what's going on.

Reading on... Good hook at the end of the chapter. I wonder what this tragedy will be.

I seem to remember you asked about Juanita, so I'll skim forwards a bit and will give my thoughts on her. Hang on...

OK I think you do a good job by keeping her offstage for so long. I find myself wondering about this mysterious figure. When Juanita finally appears, she comes almost as a saviour for Jacqueline. I get the feeling Juanita's sensitive and caring. And wise. I think she's a well-drawn character that readers will appreciate.

OK I'll stop commenting in depth now as I've already gone on for far too long.

I liked your story. I think the school trip in such dangerous circumstances is ripe with opportunity for disaster. And the mystery of Robert's family past is fascinating. I can easily see readers wanting to read on and find out what happens.

I've rated this highly, and have put it on my shelf. I hope you find an agent/publisher soon. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

I'm always drawn to your title and of course, having been here a while and looked at probably thousands of books, I feel in some ways that I have read your book but I haven't before today. I really enjoyed it, felt immediately transported to the time and place and felt especially the presence of your narrator and the patient style you employ. I felt that you had an old-fashioned type of style, as I say a patient style, where I felt that I was in the hands of a master storyteller. You also have a gift for little bits of characterization--"a smile which could have been friendly or cynical"--a hint of a wisdom behind the story that I found enticing.

I would say that at times, your style gets a bit wordy and the wordiness gets away from you a bit. Particularly in the opening couple of paragraphs, there were times that I stumbled or had to double back. You have a way of disrupting the normal structure of a sentence--which I like actually--but sometimes it's awkward. When you set aside a phrase like "she would whisper with full sincerity" or "he would explain with the enthusiasm of someone who had stumbled...", make sure it doesn't entirely halt the action of the sentence. In the first example, I would say it doesn't; in the second, it does. Other times, this structure probably isn't necessary and is just distracting, as in "The Hotel Don Carlos, I had warned the whole class back at school, would be nothing...."

Also...in general, I think the impact of longer sentences is muted if they are surrounded by lots of other longer sentences. Again, in the opening paragraphs, I think it gets bogged down by these long sentences, many of which are similar length. Once the dialogue gets going you loosen up a bit and fall into a more natural variance with the sentences.

A very long-winded point, but really a minor one in the context of your book, which I think was really quite good. I love the plot--teacher and students amidst political turmoil...I love your case of characters--an aging bullfighter!--really, a quite commercial premise I think, and needs only some last-minute polish.

---Mary

A well written characterisation of the suburban English school kid abroad, London version. First chapter maybe too long and requires 100% concentration to follow the plot. Builds the reader's curiosity to discover what is going to happen to the group. Not something I would normally read but I found this absorbing.

A well-written story with interesting characters and good dialogue.
Thoroughly absorbing. Five stars.
You asked how Robert Winter might refer to the group. He could call them by their school year.
Also, i quite liked the use of London slang (but i am from the UK). It makes the story different.
A job well done.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains.

Good opening paragraph! If that doesn't hook the reader than nothing will!

I felt like I was on adventure and it's been a while since a book has done that...nice work!

Backed!
Cheers,
Dwayne

A very interesting ,well written novel -- I would certainly buy this book so I'm giving it top star rating and W/L it -- please have a look at my books -- thank you and good luck !!!

Sometime in Andalusia
Interesting. This novel is well written. Great detail, good characterizations and compelling plot.

It is an interesting read for an adult target audience. The pacing is a little slow, and the detail of the plot line requires the reader to pay attention. For anyone who wants to get completely absorbed into a book, this is IT! Really deep.

IMO, some of the paragraphs are a little long. The dialog might better serve the book if broken out of the paragraphs more often.

The mechanics are precise and very professional.

Excellent book.
Raechel
Echo

I am glad I found this book, it is excellent. The writer's use of language and pacing is most impressive. I have a clear sight of the characters because of the use of of similies to describe them,("like an actress who couldn't wait for her cue" being just one example). I see however, from previous comments, that the use of language has raised some issues. I am an American married to an Englishman, so I don't have an issue with cockney rhyming slang. But even if I did not understand it, the sematic meaning that a reference to butchers in a book about Franco's Spain would have been enough for me. Elsewhere English slang and Spanish sentances build this rich use of language, which when combined with a meaningful story communicate to me a story about how ordinary people react in times of tyranny. Any way, I am really enjoying, 'Sometime in Andalusia' and will read on. Have put it on my w/l and will make room for it on my bookshelf when space becomes available.
Kathleen ('Losing Janice')

A good start to the story and a solid concept for the book. Also, you have a great way of telling the story and you engage the reader in many ways; nice job, highly rated.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

I don’t understand what “get a butcher’s of it all” means—is that because I’m American?

"Get a butcher's of it all" is London Cockney rhyming slang for "Get a look at all." The principle of rhyming slang is to take two words which go together (Butcher's hook). The second of these words rhymes the original word (hook = look). The first of the pair is then dropped. Another example would be: Queen Victoria is brown bread (Queen Victoria is dead). It is said that this was a secret code language which developed in the East End of London to fool the police and other outsiders.

A lot of the teenage characters in my book use London slang. Do any non-UK readers find it distracting?

I like your writing, your characterisation is excellent and the interesting plot unfolds at the right pace. I agree with the comments below about a lot of people in the first chapter, there is a lot of info to take in. But I enjoyed reading this, and I am very happy to back.
Vall
Midwyf

An engaging opening paragraph leading into a visual drama, it plays out well, the characters are real with strong voices. The long first chapter reveals lots of threads and opens up the story. There is plenty going on in here. Well written too.
Bradley Haynes (Tricia)

This is a very interesting premise, that definitely had me hooked...first of all, I was in Spain myself in the times of Franco, and had some encounters with the Guardia Civil myself (for wearing a bikini on the beach :)
But I like Robert, and his insight on things, I like all the kids and the entire idea...I agree that the exposition should be clearer and simpler, almost like a roll call of the kids themselves to get the necessary information out of the way. I am sure there is a way to do this without being too contrived.
I like the encounters with Juanita, I think this will make a terrific novel! It just needs a little clarification in the beginning, so we feel closer to the kids and even more involved that we already are from the smooth storytelling. Good work, will put it in my line of shelvables :)

Accomplished storytelling, progressive and descriptive but very busy in the first chapter, which for me, made it heavy going. I perhaps would have lightened the initial introductions and majored on the Spanish customs incidents...personal preference! I will continue my read as soon as time permits.

Accomplished storytelling, progressive and descriptive but very busy in the first chapter, which for me, made it heavy going. I perhaps would have lightened the initial introductions and majored on the Spanish customs incidents...personal preference! I will continue my read as soon as time permits.

A well written complete book that had me gripped from half-way through the first chapter. I will come back to this. To be backed meantime. Marj.

Michael, the first three chapter seem very well placed, and set up what seems to be building into a good story. I did think the first two paragraphs in the first chapter were slightly confusing and I had to reread them both at least once to understand. But other than that, this story seems destine for the desk! I Will definitely back soon!

backed AS PROMISED!!!

Thak you!!!... have 6 starred this based on the pitch to show intent and have added to our WL which means you WILL make our shelf in the next (+2) round of backings (its 11pm for us). Feel free to chase at ANY TIME n will let u know exactly how long till ur going up......

Michael,
Sometime in Andalusia has a deeply insightful narrator and it's a pleasure to review this work which conveys his thoughts and feelings as well as his experiences. Robert Winter's account is believable and intriguing, leaving the reader with the enrichment of historical fiction and his philosophical commentary. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Michael,
I read a good portion of your rather long first chapter. While the dialogue is very engaging, I agree with others that it lacks description on the characters, a tall order given there are so many students, 2 teachers, etc. But those descriptive passages will flesh out the story and make it a really good read instead of an okay one. The part about Robert's father is intriguing and would like to see it play a more important part in the story earlier, instead of slight hints. Also, I would consider making your chapters shorter. They tend to run on and on and made me want to stop reading well before the end came up.

As always, these are just my opinions and you can "take them or leave them".

Chrysta

Dear Michael,
You asked me for my comments, thanks. It is a beutiful story, but what I find difficult is that the author takes us on a journey with his story along with a class of boys and girls, expecting us to know everything that the author doesn't know about them, himself, their ages, their names, their ethnicities, their behaviours, their way of wearing, their clothes, their way of talking to each other, you name it. It is not easy. If we don't know these things, we wont know the story. It's far more complicated for me to gather the whole bunch of girls and boys in my mind, taking them on a tour, be with them and know about them, than someone who supervises a class in real life, if you want to know what i mean. It's very complicated and multi dimensional story: class, Spain, many names, two languages, and you, who gets lost in the story. It's a great subject for your story, but please work out the confussions and complications. Maybe cut down all the names that you have used here. Maybe make the chapter shorter and crisper. This is what I think, dear Michael, and I am not an expert, and in no way I am trying to be negative, I just say what I think, and I do apologise if it is not what you want to hear. Thanks once again.

Michael,

I started reading your Opus and I thought I would give you my two cents worth

The telling flows semmlessly, it has cadence, it flows.

The jewel of the novel however, appears to be Robert's emotional map; a shy creature the reader suspects is hiding more than what he reveals, and is that self effacing remove what drives the plot.

Some minor/minorest/minormost points:

Judging by your blurb Juanita is going to be key, a reason why I would have liked to have a clearer mind image of her by the end of chapter 1. I know Robert wants to jump her, however you haven't made me, the reader, want to jump her.

What really troubled me however is the beginning. Having being raised in a military dictatorship myself and having visited Spain during the Franco regime, the menacing nature of Dictatorships did not come through.

In military dictatorships, nothing is said, everything is evoked. You approach the immigration officer like you would any other; he behaves in a normal way, you behave in a normal way,

so that...

... what is menancing is not what his says/does, but the fear you have for what he "might be capable of doing"

.... so what you really end up fearing is yourself screwing up...

....he knows that and you know that and is that tacit understanding what drives the relationship

That fine psychology needs to be established, and the airport is the best venue to do it.

Hope it helps

david

Michael

I very much enjoyed the book and the way that you deliver the story to the reader. I think it would be better received if you could whisk everyone away to a small coffee or tapas bar on the costa to take in the whole ambience, and if you wish i would volunteer to be one of the experiments? Anyway, on to the more serious. Great book and very well written. I like the early hook with the passport control with the sideline of Ugandan politics which give the story real "time". You have pictured the school trip well and placed enough colourful individuals into it...laughed out loud at the "do they have crossroads" and the "crossroads is shit " response. Soooo, my only thought is: Cut the opening chapter in half and stop it after they all get back from the changing. Allow the reader to take a natural break like the tourist reaching his hotel. I think that most people want to get to the end of the first chapter and then wonder if they are enjoying the book....they might even do this in the book store?

DJ-The Lost Cactus

Just a thought and it comes with the standard disclaimer: the above are the mad rants of an unpublished writer and can be relied upon as much as a Lada.

Hello Steven

Thanks for your feedback. Yes, you are correct when you write that the opening chapter is long. My problems is finding a point at which I can end it, but still leave the reader with a sense of expectancy that something will happen. Anyway, your comments were encouraging and I look forward to reading your book within the next day or two.

Best wishes for the New Year,

Michael

Michael

I very much enjoyed the book and the way that you deliver the story to the reader. I think it would be better received if you could whisk everyone away to a small coffee or tapas bar on the costa to take in the whole ambience, and if you wish i would volunteer to be one of the experiments? Anyway, on to the more serious. Great book and very well written. I like the early hook with the passport control with the sideline of Ugandan politics which give the story real "time". You have pictured the school trip well and placed enough colourful individuals into it...laughed out loud at the "do they have crossroads" and the "crossroads is shit " response. Soooo, my only thought is: Cut the opening chapter in half and stop it after they all get back from the changing. Allow the reader to take a natural break like the tourist reaching his hotel. I think that most people want to get to the end of the first chapter and then wonder if they are enjoying the book....they might even do this in the book store?

DJ-The Lost Cactus

Just a thought and it comes with the standard disclaimer: the above are the mad rants of an unpublished writer and can be relied upon as much as a Lada.

Very nicely handling of a story that could easily have become trite and vapid - good introspection into the characters, especially your narrative lead, makes a huge difference. And I'm impressed by the easy yet eloquent flow of your narrative and the convincing nature of dialogue, even the young people. Your Spanish and German are all perfect too - ich denke Sie koennen Deutsch auch, nicht wahr? - but your French is sloppy, unfortunately; besides what I noted below, it is "rendezvous", with a "z".

I will consign this to my bookshelf just as soon as one of its current inmates is released for good behavior.

all the best,

James David Audlin
"Rats Live on no Evil Star", etc.

As I turn to chapter two, let me note some mistakes. Your Spanish is perfect, but your French is not. The accent goes the other way in "Molière", and it is "déjà vu". And correct the following sentence: "In the years THAT have passed since..." (not "which").

excellent read......very magical and written with a simple style.

the character juanita comes to life about chapter 9 and the decription of emotions echos around this chapter, indeed the whole book

well wriiten, an interesting read.

this book should be higher in the chart!

Best wishes
PF Farraday

You are totally fantastic, Michael! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book. :) God bless you. :) Could you please keep it on your shelf so I can go across the finish line of the editor's desk :) - I'm 13 away & need to be in the top 5 by the end of November. :) I had a mini-stroke last Wednesday with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & 2 minor ones Thurs & Fri. & lupus flare up, so am trying my best. :)

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :)

Love, Susie :)
p.s. every *****-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk. :)

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A gripping journey filled with surprises. Atmopsheric. A well-crafted main character with real emotions. Good tension.

Specific comments on chapter 1:
1) 'A mystical woman' hooked me.
2) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.
3) 'That's enough Charlie, and the rest of you!' Comma after enough.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem.
4) Purpose of your trip?' squeaked out one of the grey mice. Insert a quote mark before 'purpose.'
5) 'As the ancient coach rumbled off I had to ask the kids sitting near me to sit down, ...' You used a 'sit' word twice in this sentence.
6) 'I just didn't realize at that moment that that day would be sooner than I thought' is foretelling. Foretelling takes some of the drama and tension out of your story. Readers like to experience events as they occur. Readers like surprises and twists. Consider not foretelling. There are more cases of this type of problem.
7) ' ... because we'll notice that straight away, won't we Mrs. Sauerman?' Comma after 'we.'
8) 'If it does all get too complicated Mrs. Sauerman or myself will ...' Comm after 'complicated.'
9) The final paragraph of the chapter has foretelling in it, which takes some of the energy out of your story and may not be the best way to end chapter one. Consider ending the chapter with the preceeding paragraph. The focus on the sinister stranger adds tension and is a more dramatic way to end the chapter.

I hope this critique helps you to polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Take what works for you and discard the rest. Thank you for previously backing "Savannah Passion." Should "Savannah Passion" make it into the top five next month, I hope you will reshelve the book and keep it on your shelf until it reaches the editor's desk.

Have a fabulous day.

SOMETIME IN ANDALUCIA,
An great pitch, a foreign country, historical and intriguing. - Good. An amazingly long first chapter and I was struck by the first paragraph - interesting I never knew that, and it really is a great opener - the reader has to think - they simply could not!
I'm not a teacher but I certainly got a feel for what you were saying about the school trip - authentic and believable, it's all there; excitement, worry, niggles and exasperation with it all.
This is exceptionally well written and I can see it doing well. Very good luck with this. I have given it high stars.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

A great start! And I'll come back to read more! As to grammar that someone commented on, it's my strong point either but I have a feel you need to polish it up a bit here and there. Things like avoiding sentences that are too long, loaded with sub-sentences (if you know what I mean; there's a word for that in grammar booksbut of course I don't remember what it's called!)

I will back it as soon as I've got space on my shelf- which is soon enough (tomorrow)

Hi Michael

The opening chapter has the real ring of authenticity gleaned from chaperoning too many school trips! Lots of mysterious hints and threats about the past catching up with hapless Robert too and recollections of a Spain that seems so distant now, though it was less than 40 years ago. Backed (you'll see it in a day or so - new system and all that).

Nicole
Chosen

This is a thoroughly absorbing start and I was whisked into the story without any effort on my part at all. Excellent work, a film script beckons. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

An interesting beginning and the pitch does set a nice expectation. My son is a teacher and when he takes high school students on trips, I am amazed at his willingness to tackle such an "accident waiting to happen." So the storyline mixed with international intrigue definitely captures the attention. If you don't mind some suggestions, your pitch is good, but would be much stronger if you could correct the grammar. He brings a class, of school (children) better than kids -- and the modifier is class, not kids, so you really shouldn't use "their" Spanish. Similarly, in last sentence, the group is not a "who" but a which or that. And in early graphs, "rest of the class" was, not were.

I'll be sure to read more because the idea of their adventure is inviting.

Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

Leonore has raised something which was a problem for me: How does Robert Winter refer to the group? In the text he talks about "the kids", although this expression might not have been suitable for an Oxbridge fellow in those days. On the other hand "children" or "pupils", I found, would have been too tame for these teenagers. Also some invented term, i.e. "little chaps and chapesses", would have made Robert seem less serious about everything than he is supposed to be.

An interesting beginning and the pitch does set a nice expectation. My son is a teacher and when he takes high school students on trips, I am amazed at his willingness to tackle such an "accident waiting to happen." So the storyline mixed with international intrigue definitely captures the attention. If you don't mind some suggestions, your pitch is good, but would be much stronger if you could correct the grammar. He brings a class, of school (children) better than kids -- and the modifier is class, not kids, so you really shouldn't use "their" Spanish. Similarly, in last sentence, the group is not a "who" but a which or that. And in early graphs, "rest of the class" was, not were.

I'll be sure to read more because the idea of their adventure is inviting.

Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

Leonore has raised something which was a problem for me: How does Robert Winter refer to the group? In the text he talks about "the kids", although this expression might not have been suitable for an Oxbridge fellow in those days. On the other hand "children" or "pupils", I found, would have been too tame for these teenagers. Also some invented term, i.e. "little chaps and chappeses", would have made Robert seem less serious about everything than he is supposed to be.

GREAT NARRATIVE VOICE! Don't let anyone to tell you to change that opening. It works wonderfully. there are some spots you might want to tighten (look into waste words. a quick search on google might help), just to make it read a little smoother, but on the whole I really loved this. Have you considered tagging it literary fiction? I also love the dialogue. you did a top job with that. I loved everything about this from voice to characters to story to dialogue--I even like the title! It is amazing (and disheartening) to see this so low in the rankings. I hope it's a recent upload--really, amazingly well written and evocative.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

An interesting beginning and the pitch does set a nice expectation. My son is a teacher and when he takes high school students on trips, I am amazed at his willingness to tackle such an "accident waiting to happen." So the storyline mixed with international intrigue definitely captures the attention. If you don't mind some suggestions, your pitch is good, but would be much stronger if you could correct the grammar. He brings a class, of school (children) better than kids -- and the modifier is class, not kids, so you really shouldn't use "their" Spanish. Similarly, in last sentence, the group is not a "who" but a which or that. And in early graphs, "rest of the class" was, not were.

I'll be sure to read more because the idea of their adventure is inviting.

Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

An interesting beginning and the pitch does set a nice expectation. My son is a teacher and when he takes high school students on trips, I am amazed at his willingness to tackle such an "accident waiting to happen." So the storyline mixed with international intrigue definitely captures the attention. If you don't mind some suggestions, your pitch is good, but would be much stronger if you could correct the grammar. He brings a class, of school (children) better than kids -- and the modifier is class, not kids, so you really shouldn't use "their" Spanish. Similarly, in last sentence, the group is not a "who" but a which or that. And in early graphs, "rest of the class" was, not were.

I'll be sure to read more because the idea of their adventure is inviting.

Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

The pitch is attention getting - both from the story line it promises as well as the setting, a tough and intriguing time and place. Crisp, pacy narrative with spot-on and entertaining description. Characters oozing with spunk and a pleasant smattering of psychological underpinnings.

Why deny his father's name? Hm, the Spanish Civil War... 'Only those steel grey eyes ... would one day cause somebody's death'. The trip has been fraught since arriving in Spain. A bunch of back street kids with odd expectations, 'They've even got cars, ain't they?'. The three six-formers are particularly out of place, but not due to a lack of studiousness, and they do come in handy. Warning and more warnings to the kids about how to behave, while all around Robert, sinister figures seem to be seeping out of the woodwork, 'Spain is a mystery'. The flamenco dancer arouses his curiosity, but will she still be interested after the 'brush off'?

Overshadowed by the past, and by the future, 'an abrupt end to my long, drawn-out youth', Robert's trip to Spain is steeped in history and trouble. Twenty school kids will bring their own fair sure of turmoil, and ensure there's no place for a teacher to pass unnoticed. This is a novel with a brooding undercurrent that threatens things will work out even worse than Robert's greatest fears ... backed.

Possible nits: '"That's enough, Charlie," Priz said, "and the rest of you...' 'little bigger than the pickles on her face'??? 'I found the bar by...' this seems a rather convoluted sentence. 'who remained sitting ... Bernice remained sitting'. 'Her lips hardly seemed to speak as she moved??' -> 'Her lips hardly seemed to move as she spoke'. 'I had started ... somebody else started'. 'a flamenco show, than [then]?' 'The man looked ... a cold glance that looked'.