Thief of Life-The Chronicles of Daniela-Book One: Wonder-Heart of Captivation

Whew, I need a cigarette - and I don't smoke! Excellent start. Who could stop reading?! Well done.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

The predator male in Chapter One is sinister and seductive..a deadly combination. It's an intriguing start to Wonder. Then there's a change in the narrative voice: it's in the first person and it's Daniela telling the story. She feels convincing as a teenager trapped in hospital with a heart condition that will kill her if she doesn't find a suitable heart donor. Dialogue between Daniela and her elder sister is convincing and lively, full of banter and jokey insults. It's clear how much they care for each other: Kimi feels anxious about Daniela's heart condition and finds it difficult to accept her baby sister is dying.
Then the car crash and the irony of Kimi's heart going to her sister. Kimi dies and Daniela survives. Five years later and Daniela is almost twenty one. She is convincing as she shops with her friend Becca and bumps into an old boyfriend, Ryan.. I like your description of her feelings when she realises how gorgeous he has grown. And then he introduces the awful Liz Beth (do not mispronounce her name!) Good stuff. I'm sure YA readers will enjoy the situation.of Daniela hardly able to get out a word and Becca calling Liz Beth "Lizzy." I think there might be problems with Liz Beth later in the story.
Then the dash for the hospital appointment.after forgetting the time because of clothes shopping...what will the hospital appointment reveal?
I think this will have great appeal to YAs. Backed.
Cherry G,
The Girl From Ithaca

Dear Christi,
Vampire writer extraordinaire! I hope you get a publishing contract so you can skip fast to a movie or TV series! Excellent fantasy!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

I enjoyed this, it felt like a new and, in some ways, better twist on the vampire genre. It felt fresh. Your writing is strong too, you really know how to set your book up. The well developed characters are fun and you've got an exciting book. You are a truly talented writer and I would buy this, no doubt. I love the title too! Great job.

Missy

Thank you so much for this Very flattering compliment and I appreciate the time you took to read and comment! I love vampires, but had always been bothered by the entire dead, cold... condemned 'thing' so I thought, why not just make up some thing better? I hope other's will love it as much as I do! Thanks again Christi Watson- Wonder- A Thief of Life

Well, you've managed something that no othere writer of this genre on this site has has managed - I hate vampire books (with the exception of Bram Stoker) - but I found myself absolute entranced by yours. I have read two chapters and, when I get the time, will read on. The brilliance of this story is in your way of telling it. Your scene setting is superb, and your ability to pull the reader into the heart of the action, second to none. Backed with the confidence that this is a sure-fire winner. This will stay on my watchlist until I have consumed (vampire like) every last drop!

Christi,

I've been reading Wonder...actually skimmed a dozen chapters, because while I LOVE the premise of the story, Daniela, Becca, Dr. Hollin, I kept flipping through looking for when she gets together with the emovamp. The first chapter was awesome, with the exception of a few word choices here and there. And then almost a dozen chapters of setting up Daniela's condition and current life. All very important, but not what the first chapter had me wanting to read! What I'd really like to see is a compaction of chapters 2-10...quick set-up, flash-back for her hospital stay, leave sister's sacrifice something to reveal to the reader later. Just get us to the interaction with Dr. Hollin quick!

I enjoy workshopping with other writers and have some ideas of how to tighten your story up...because I think teenage girls will eat this up! If you're interested, send me an email!

Wendy
-January Black

I liked chapter 1 for its sensualness, chapter 7 for its mystery, and chapter 14 for its thrills.
All the best, Sana
Saffire Drake and the Three Keys

Christi,

Good pitch. Couple of observations:

--near the end you have 'Love' capitalised (or need for Love) which I'm not sure is required; and
--in the last sentence you have the whole word in caps, that's probably exuberance appropriate for the YA romance genre, but grates a little on me (don't worry, I'm probably not your target audience).

Into the work proper. The prologue has a strong voice and is well delivered. Couple of observations and nit-picks:

--an observation, the sentence 'What is lif if not lived' sounds familiar, I haven't googled it, but have a strong feeling of deja vu;
--to be pedantic elipses should have spaces between the dots, thus . . .
--another nitpick, In the last paragraph you have a comma before the parenthetic text in the last paragraph and another following th test, inside the brackets, these are not required.

The first chapter has tension, romantic and something darker than that. The end of the chapter is well timed.

A few observations:

--the first sentence seems a little over done to me, and I'm not at all sure about the punctuation;
--I'd recommend a general review of your use of semi-colons, practice varies between US and British usage, but several of yours don't look right to me (I may be wrong);
--you have quite a lot of use of italics for emphasis, but I wonder if over use doesn't reduce the effect;
--the same might go for exclamation marks; and
--I notice a couple of paragraphs, quite close to each other, starting with 'Immediately'.

However, seems to me you have this genre down and that this is the sort of story that will likely appeal to teenage girls (it's certainly the sort of thing my daughter reads).

Backed

The predator male in Chapter One is sinister and seductive..a deadly combination. It's an intriguing start to Wonder. Then there's a change in the narrative voice: it's in the first person and it's Daniela telling the story. She feels convincing as a teenager trapped in hospital with a heart condition that will kill her if she doesn't find a suitable heart donor. Dialogue between Daniela and her elder sister is convincing and lively, full of banter and jokey insults. It's clear how much they care for each other: Kimi feels anxious about Daniela's heart condition and finds it difficult to accept her baby sister is dying.
Then the car crash and the irony of Kimi's heart going to her sister. Kimi dies and Daniela survives. Five years later and Daniela is almost twenty one. She is convincing as she shops with her friend Becca and bumps into an old boyfriend, Ryan.. I like your description of her feelings when she realises how gorgeous he has grown. And then he introduces the awful Liz Beth (do not mispronounce her name!) Good stuff. I'm sure YA readers will enjoy the situation.of Daniela hardly able to get out a word and Becca calling Liz Beth "Lizzy." I think there might be problems with Liz Beth later in the story.
Then the dash for the hospital appointment.after forgetting the time because of clothes shopping...what will the hospital appointment reveal?
I think this will have great appeal to YAs. Backed.
Cherry G,
The Girl From Ithaca

This has a great opening. The narrative voice is strong and very real. It reads like a diary entry would (for someone who has a knack for writing). Then there's a lot of tension between the two characters you introduce and it just builds and builds and even though we know what's coming we're anxious to get there. And then it happens and it's so subtle and dark, no big bloody mess, she just soundlessly lets unconsiousness take her away. Perfect. This is written beautifully and can easily make it into print.

Lacey

Hi Christi

I like an opening chapter that dives right in! You turn the taps full on and leave the reader wondering what kind of a creature this man is and what happens to the hapless girl. Racy! Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Should I leave a comment? I'm not sure you really want one...sorry, just being a smartass.

I really liked this Christi. It's well written, emotional and erotic. That's okay, I took a shower and felt better.

I've read the first chapter and will come back to it as soon as I get a chance. Then, possibly, I'll leave another comment.

J. Moore
"Vigilante" & "The Bounteous Land"

Daniela on one of her routine medicals, after a heart transplant operation, search's for a parking space, the space is the empty void left after the cruel and destructive death of her sister. Daniela detests healthcare and hospitals after spending the better part of a year in one. With a vigorous personality, she finds solace that her sisters death was not in vain, for the heart she recieved was that of her sisters. Impeccably close though the two girls were, inseparable people said, now nothing can disturb Daniela's tranquillity. Oh except having a crush on her doctor, her car breaking down, breaking property in a lawyers office, her best friend coming round. The midtown stalker of Okahoma city should be the one in fear, should there paths ever cross.

Literature has many heroines filling the pages of many books, but it wouldn't be to hard to put Daniela at the top of the list, like a modern day Joan of Ark. How many times does one have to get burnt at the stake.
Excellent stuff.
backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

I really liked the first chapter where you write in the third person ominiscient, which I was told is very difficult to achive, yet you seem to succeeded. I could feel the power the guy had over the girl and her desire for him. However, the second chapter was a bit of a dissappointment. Here you switched to first person narrative and while I don't know how would that go with editors, it didn't bother me. What did bother was the fact that you switched to too much telling and info dumping, even if it is one line. "I felt instant rush of glee..." could be "An instant rush of glee filled my mind..." "I felt a twinge of hope..." could be "A twinge of hope rushed up my spine..." Then the dialogue tags, you don't need to tell each time one of your characters is speaking, "She said,..." When one of them is asking a question we know by the ? that they asked, no need to tell us "She asked," This boggs the story down and it doesn't move it forward at the steady pace.
The line she is describing who's the baby in the family is info dump, try to weave that into your story, kind of sneak it in there. Not biggies this can all be fixed easily it's just those things you may not be aware of, and sometimes you need an extra pair of eyes. I do like your narrative voice, it's pretty vivid and descriptive. Backed

A first edition is self published and available, but will be pulled soon and replaced with a second edition that is much better written and edited. As far as competing, I am not, though finding my way to HC desk wouldn't be bad, I am in no hurry to get picked up by a large publishing Co. I am more interested in getting as much of this series written as I can. This first book only took me six weeks to write and book two about four months. I am currently writing book three and am about a fourth of the way through it with no letting up in momentum. I don't know how long that will last, so I am just going with it for as long as I can. I simply love this site for the feedback. Some of it is rubbish, but occasionally I have gotten some good pointers that have really helped my writing! And YES, I made the trailer, thank you, i am glad you liked it, it was the first video I had ever made! I am currently working on a trailer for book two, which is also in editing and will probably be released after the first of the year 2011

Your trailer amazing and gripping. Did you make it yourself?

Is the book already published? If so, howcome you are competing on here?

Your trailer amazing and gripping. Did you make it yourself?

Is the book already published? If so, howcome you are competing on here?

Taken shines with very intense, deeply felt writing that is compelling and very well done. But I do feel that the line 'perfect cover for a killer' is more than we need. It's like a dramatist running on stage, pointing and shouting 'He's the villain.' In the last line- 'Glancing around' Beware of words that end with ing. Especially at the start of a sentence. It weakens the statement. Try recasting it. He glanced around. Put the car in drive, and it vanished into the dark. Not the best example but you get the idea. Using short sentences at this point conveys the urgency of the moment.
Two was good, introducing the main character and fleshing her out. But I think it is a mistake to have an intro to this chapter. I think it should start with 'Knock knock'.
Hope this is helpful. You do have quite a talent.

Wonder:
Dear Christi,
Full disclosure- I never read vampire and believe the hunger for vampires has got to be close to finished.

But I loved the Thief of Life notion. I enjoyed how the story unfolds in chapter one.

I would go back and start cutting sentences that repeat the message.
For example- "She gazed longingly at him, awaiting his eyes to rise up and meet hers" "She awaited his eyes to meet hers." would do for this reader.

I have backed the book.
Even though this draft is overwritten I like it so far.

A Zoomer

Interesting, well-crafted novel. You're good at describing movement and moods. One nit that I see coming up a lot: "Glancing around quickly but spying no one, he put the car in drive, disappearing into the dark." This should firmer to the point, with an ending like "...and disappeared into the dark." As it is, I feel like the sentence hasn't quite ended, and is waiting for the final segment. Other than that, this is a good start to what looks like a promising novel. Keep writing!

I would be most grateful if you'd take a look at my book "Purple Eyes" and tell me what you think of it.
Best wishes,
Joel Juedes

Thanks for reading and backing `Kimi’s Secret` - it is much appreciated.
I love it that you have a Kimi - an old Indian name, meaning `Secret`
But down to your story and your writing. You have some wonderful descriptions and produce some pulse-thumping passages - however, for me, it is all too much. I can hear the author too often and so the actual story gets lost. If I can give you any good advice it would be to save your descriptive passages and explanations of character actions for when it really matters and allow the story to work by itself. Hope this helps.

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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>THANK YOU!!! CHRISTI WATSON

You are totally fantastic, Christi! :) How can I ever thank you for backing my 2 memoir books? :) You make me smile ear to ear. :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I'll #15 to have your book on my watchlist. :)

Very well crafted, dark and mysterious, I think this is going places - like bookshops... Good luck and thank you. KA.

What kind of creature is the seducer who leaches the heat and emotion from his victims? Kimi can recognise her sister's mood, 'Are you on your widdle pity pot again?' Yes, she was having a darn good moan to herself. The Mexican food soon fixes that, dying or no. I love how natural her dialogue is, 'Shup! You did not! Get! Out!' And then the snow...

Who is this, and what has happened to her? 'Blunt force trauma' - it's Kimi! Drat! You almost had me blubbing. Sheesh. 'She needs my heart'. Then on to Dani five years later, 'I placed my hand over Kimi's heart'. She finally runs into the old boyfriend again ... but he's taken by Liz Beth who has an attitude problem. 'See ya Lizzy!' good ol' Becca.

Lots of question, but no answers yet, a good way to keep those pages turning. What stands out about this novel, Christi, is its ability to manipulate the emotions of the reader. If that keeps up throughout, you'll have a best seller in the YA supernatural romance genre, and tissue sales will have increased dramatically. The writing in general is pretty darn good too (a few suggestion below) with great dialogue ... happy to back this.

Possible nits: 'more than my fare [fair] share'. 'like a fantastic mixed drink' -> 'like a fantastic cocktail'. 'I asked curiously', is there any other way to ask? - you could cut a few more adverbs, especially the 'braggingly' as the mood and tone is usually obvious. 'one of those people that [who] spoke'.

Holy conoly!! I was entranced by the dark eroticism you provide! Intense and alluring. Will be keeping around to read on!
Carrie
The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's Defeat

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT!! EVEN IF IT IS JUST ONE WORD< OR GOOD LUCK< EVEN IF YOU DON'T BACK THE BOOK!! PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT!!! THANK YOU!!!

First, thanks for the backing.
I'm also working on a vampire title and thrilled to see this. You certainly know how to set the pages on fire right off. Chapter one is sizzling.

Good luck with this.

Suz

Whew, I need a cigarette - and I don't smoke! Excellent start. Who could stop reading?! Well done.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

Christi. I am reposting this comment as my efforts appear to have got lost in the ether yesterday!

.Your into / prologue caught my attention, it has a great hook - important. So I felt I must read some of it. I was impressed by its originality and creativity [which kids want]. Plot's pace was good, as was the description. Well done. will read some more and get back to you. BACKED.
I would appreciate you looking/backing at my childrens' book if you think fit - Paperbat Adventures. Thanks
Jerry - paperbats

Dear Christi,
Vampire writer extraordinaire! I hope you get a publishing contract so you can skip fast to a movie or TV series! Excellent fantasy!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

i didn't think I would like this because I'm tried of vampire books. But I did like it very much. In fact I couldn't stop reading. Backed, with pleasure.

Carol

Some solid writing here. Needs a little work on punctuation. I was impressed by the depth of the opening, which almost felt literary in some ways, for a YA story. I think this is along the lines of Twilight--as in that it would appeal to the same target audience, not in that it's the same story. you have a great premise here, a great character, and a great voice. I think this will do well with its intended target audience.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Wonder, Heart of Captivation:

I don’t normally read fantasy/vampire, etc., but I can see how your target audience would really take to this. Even though, to me it seems a bit overwritten in places, you paint quite vivid scenes with your words and kept me interested through the first two chapters. It didn’t feel like I was reading a vampire story as you made it so ‘real’, which made it even more entertaining. :o)

I do have a few nits, though, and below is just an example, so hope you don’t mind?

I feel there are too many exclamation marks. About five in the first chapter and 16 in ch 2.

…began to weaken…began to dissipate…began to fade… check for more ‘begans’ throughout? A mere suggestion here. ~ Then slowly she began to weaken and tire, arms became too heavy to hold on any longer, dropping to her side.
~ Then she weakened. Her arms, too heavy to hold on any longer, dropped to her side.
~Abruptly the heat began to dissipate, a cold chill seeped into her veins, body becoming frigid as his mouth pulled all warmth from her core.
~The heat dissipated. A chill seeped into her veins, her body frigid as his mouth pulled all warmth from her core.
… a (single) tear rolled down… no need for ‘single’?
…(I) it felt as though the room (was) filled with ice water; my body (was freezing) froze, everything sounded distant. .. Just a suggestion to get rid of two wases?
Sighing (deeply) at the heavenly feel of the coarse bristles as she brush[ed] over my scalp and (down the long length of my) hair, which was about midway down my back. ~ ’down the long length of’ not needed as we know her hair is half way down her back?
Maybe that had some[thing]to do with my current mood... (‘brush’ and ‘some’ incomplete)
‘heavenly’ aroma - ‘heavenly’ repeated in 'heavenly feel of the coarse bristles'… ‘aroma’ repeated close together. Also ‘inhaled’ and ‘deeply’. Maybe, ‘I pulled in a deep breath’, instead of ‘I inhaled as deeply as I could’?

I’d do a check for your ‘ly’ words and see how many you could get rid of. I think there are about seventy in the second chapter and you're too good a writer to even need them.

Now, after saying all of the above, please know, as I don’t write this genre, I probably shouldn’t s be so critical as this may very well be the way this genre should be written? So just ignore me. :o.

All the very best, and I’ll pop this on my shelf. :o)

Also, thank you for backing Muckers, in case I haven’t already thanked you.:)

Cáit

Hi Christi, love the genre, interesting take, I like it! I'm more scriptwriter than I am novel writer type, so I'm no critic, however I can appreciate a good visual, and yours is terrific. Nice journey!

sincerely,
jim
jack & charmian london (please give my own tale a look, certainly would appreciate it!)

WONDER, Heart of Captivation, A Thief of Life Series

Christi Watson

“It felt wonderful and exciting… I’ve never felt anything so beautiful in my life— and then it was terrible, like I would die!” This describes the feeling and complete experience of being in love, realistically. Vampire or not, it's easy to understand Daniela's inability to suppress her human desires and need for love. I think an audience interested in romance novels craving fantasy and temporary removal from reality would enjoy this. Can't imagine a kiss making anyone unconscious but then again anything is possible in a fantasy world. "What is life if not lived?" Exotic and spicy. Not my usual read but well written.

Thank you so much for reading and for the pointers. WOW, the 'squelch" thing, it is funny, I thought it meant something else and apparently so has everyone else because you are the first to point it out. LOL It must have been one of those 3am writing things, funny! As far as Why she hesitated to get in the car, I have to ask, why wouldn't she? If I was about to climb into a car with a complete stranger at a club, I have to believe I would hesitate a little also, but thats just personal opinion. Thank you for reading and for the much appreciated tips!

Hi Christi, I'm afraid i only had time to look at Chapter one and two. I enjoyed them and thought you write well. The opening seduction is very good -- dark with a real sense of impending disaster.
A few points:
'every array of emotions'.
'squelch his desire' -- quench.
Immediately He. -- he
Why did she hesitate to get in the car?
He put the car in drive disappearing... (punctauation).
I thought the dialogue in chapter two was very well-handled. I was surprised by the switch to first person narrative but thought the voice was strong.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Hi Christi, I'm afraid i only had time to look at Chapter one and two. I enjoyed them and thought you write well. The opening seduction is very good -- dark with a real sense of impending disaster.
A few points:
'every array of emotions'.
'squelch his desire' -- quench.
Immediately He. -- he
Why did she hesitate to get in the car?
He put the car in drive disappearing... (punctauation).
I thought the dialogue in chapter two was very well-handled. I was surprised by the switch to first person narrative but thought the voice was strong.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Im really glad you liked it. It is actually going through rigorous editing now, however in chapter 9 that is not a misspelling, it really is supposed to say 'intexticated.' The driver was texting while driving, it is the new word often used for the practice. I hope you liked the story though and invite you to check back with my website for the upcoming release of Jealousy, it will be out the first of the year!

This was a fun read- I really enjoyed it. The first chapter really grabs the readers attention. However, there are many typos- mostly in punctuation. Some misspellings- such as 'intexicated' instead of 'intoxicated' in Chapter 9. In Chapter 32 'lung' was used but I think you meant 'lunge' as well as some other. Like I said good story, but needs to be cleaned up a little.
Desi.

This was a fun read- I really enjoyed it. The first chapter really grabs the readers attention. However, there are many typos- mostly in punctuation. Some misspellings- such as 'intexicated' instead of 'intoxicated' in Chapter 9. In Chapter 32 'lung' was used but I think you meant 'lunge' as well as some other. Like I said good story, but needs to be cleaned up a little.
Desi.

Edgy. Exciting. You provide us an outstanding story with an intelligent plot and fascinating characters. Rich imagery. Crisp dialogue. Polished writing. Backed.

Christi,
Wonder, Heart of Captivation is an enthralling novel with an original plot. Backed with pleasure.

Dear Christi, I love the intrigue in your book :) - nightmares is something else - I had them until I was 35, when they stopped. :) Great writing. :) Nice crisp paragraphs & dialogue, too. :) I've backed your book - hope you'll back my 2. :) Love, Susie :)

Great story!

Bob/ Rob/ Bobby/ whatever

This storyline kept me rollign through the pages. Wonderful read, very intriguing. Your charatcer development is wonderful and you know exactly how to hit your audience.

Kirsty
Prygon: The Circle of Dark magic

I enjoyed this, it felt like a new and, in some ways, better twist on the vampire genre. It felt fresh. Your writing is strong too, you really know how to set your book up. The well developed characters are fun and you've got an exciting book. You are a truly talented writer and I would buy this, no doubt. I love the title too! Great job.

Missy

A great balance in terms of excellent writing. Backed

Thank you for reading, and YES absolutely I want brutal! I appreciate your advice and take it to heart. I think I have a great story, but I want to make it FANTASTIC. The only way that is going to happen is brutal feedback from those like you, willing to give me constructive criticism, and you have done that beautifully! Thank you Christi Watson

Dear Christi
I have read the first chapter and you have invited me to 'be brutal'.
This reads like a first draft. You have a wealth of adjectives and descriptive phrases. Cut out half of them. Be brutal!
Example: After the word 'Yes' you spoil the effect by commenting on the answer. We get the point already.
You have a 'him' instead of a 'he' and vice versa. Small point, but jars the read.
The idea of the chapter is excellent and if you harness your writing skills you would have a winner. Cut down on the excessive description. The cliche'less is more' was never more appropriate.
regards
Digby
Backed for the idea and promise.

Oh Lynn, I am just really blushing, I dont think there is a much higher compliment then when someone willingly reads something outside their proffered genre! Your words are very sweet and encouraging and it is funny you picked out that word 'leapt' it has bothered me several times, but I have ignored it in the past, though, I am rethinking it also...hmmm...I just love feedback! It is my best source of growth. Thanks for the time you took to read and I hope you enjoyed WONDER!
Christi Watson

I intended to say that this was not my usual choice of genre, but blow me down, I couldn't stop reading. Your descriptive powers and flowing, errotic writing, really pulled me into the story and made we want to find out more. One tiny nit, I don't think I would say that they "leapt" at one another in the car in the first chapter. It rather gives an impression of acrobatics rather than lust. With a little more editing, you will have a fantastic story and I wish you all the very best of luck. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Thank you so much for this Very flattering compliment and I appreciate the time you took to read and comment! I love vampires, but had always been bothered by the entire dead, cold... condemned 'thing' so I thought, why not just make up some thing better? I hope other's will love it as much as I do! Thanks again Christi Watson- Wonder- A Thief of Life

Well, you've managed something that no othere writer of this genre on this site has has managed - I hate vampire books (with the exception of Bram Stoker) - but I found myself absolute entranced by yours. I have read two chapters and, when I get the time, will read on. The brilliance of this story is in your way of telling it. Your scene setting is superb, and your ability to pull the reader into the heart of the action, second to none. Backed with the confidence that this is a sure-fire winner. This will stay on my watchlist until I have consumed (vampire like) every last drop!

I intended to say that this was not my usual choice of genre, but blow me down, I couldn't stop reading. Your descriptive powers and flowing, errotic writing, really pulled me into the story and made we want to find out more. One tiny nit, I don't think I would say that they "leapt" at one another in the car in the first chapter. It rather gives an impression of acrobatics rather than lust. With a little more editing, you will have a fantastic story and I wish you all the very best of luck. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Dear Christi
I have read the first chapter and you have invited me to 'be brutal'.
This reads like a first draft. You have a wealth of adjectives and descriptive phrases. Cut out half of them. Be brutal!
Example: After the word 'Yes' you spoil the effect by commenting on the answer. We get the point already.
You have a 'him' instead of a 'he' and vice versa. Small point, but jars the read.
The idea of the chapter is excellent and if you harness your writing skills you would have a winner. Cut down on the excessive description. The cliche'less is more' was never more appropriate.
regards
Digby
Backed for the idea and promise.

Well, you've managed something that no othere writer of this genre on this site has has managed - I hate vampire books (with the exception of Bram Stoker) - but I found myself absolute entranced by yours. I have read two chapters and, when I get the time, will read on. The brilliance of this story is in your way of telling it. Your scene setting is superb, and your ability to pull the reader into the heart of the action, second to none. Backed with the confidence that this is a sure-fire winner. This will stay on my watchlist until I have consumed (vampire like) every last drop!

Thank you so much!

Thought I had already backed but it wasn't on my bookshelf Christi! Sorry....made amends with Wonder now!
Virginia
It Never Rains In Paradise

Thank you so much! I have played with the short and long pitch so much in the last three days, my eyes are beginning to cross! LOL! I always appreciate someone taking the time to give me a little guidance. Thanx!

In the pitch: 'Daniela SEES a second chance at life AS a cruel curse.'

If the pitch has a lot of typos and grammar/punctuation/spelling errors, agents and editors won't look farther. This is the first glimpse they have of the level of professionalism and the ability to condense the story into a few short sentences. If you don't catch them here, you might not get a chance to catch them with your book. The pitch is important. Make it shine. Break it up and keep it simple. Direct statements. A clear idea of what the book is about and, if there is a mystery, don't hide it. Professionals want it all up front.

JMC

This is one area I worry about. I worry in the first chapter it appears they are having sex. This is not so, in fact, they never even get their clothes off. Did you believe them to be actually having sex? I may need to work on that.

Hi Christi

I love the way you evoke drama, passion and desire - absolutely compelling. I see you've been wondering about the YA tag - I recently read an interview in 'Writing' magazine with an agent who specialises in YA literature who said that for most publishers, YA novels contain no explicit sex as their target audience is approx 12 - 16. Hope that's helpful! Backed, of course.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm