"A Daughter's Sacrifice"

Dear Jessica, you're not active here, but your vote still counts. Please check my message to you. Thanks, Pia

Jessica,
An interesting story but there is much to do if you hope to get this story to the attention of an editor or agent.
Your opening paragraph is riddled with errors that completely interupt the flow of the read.
This is the way I interpreted your opening paragraph.
Your opening paragraph left me confused.
My interpretation had me thinking it should read like this:
“Damn it all to hell,” I muttered to myself. The sun on my face felt warm. “I don’t remember opening the curtains,” I said aloud. “What time is it? Obviously too early to be awake.” The clock read 8:30 am, “definitely too early.” I sat up in bed and put my feet on the cold wooden floor. I wanted to close the curtains and return to my warm, comfortable bed. But, I knew that I wouldn’t get back to sleep.
Into the second paragraph I found more of the same. If you have someone to read this from start to finish with an eye for edits it may help a great deal as it is difficult for us writers to see our own issues.
Good luck and keep at it.
MickR - The Nightcrawler

Great pitch . . . the short had me! This could be a killer book if edited.
Just for instance: "Damn it to all hell and back," I muttered, warm sunlight on my face."I don't remember opening the damned curtains and it's (too) early to be awake!"
Classic mistakes: to instead of too, missing quotations marks, and sentences need trimming.
It needs a lot of work, but I think it's well worth your efforts.

Best of luck with it,
Suz

Jessica, your first chapter is good, but it needs a bit of editorial polish in my opinion. Biggest issue I'm picking up is your lack of commas. For instance, let's look at the opening sentence: Damn it to hell and back, I muttered to myself (comma needed here) finding the sunlight beaming at my face (comma needed here).....

I am backing this because of the story potential.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

The revelation that they are witches seems to appear as an afterthought, perhaps because there's a lot of distracting detail that bears little reference to the action or the development of your characters. There are many language issues to be addressed as well. With some work, this would be unrecognisably better!
Cheers
Stewart

Vivid imagining of the surroundings for Jaelynn, and you describe her room with careful detail that also reflects the girl's personality. More of who she is emerges as she talks to her father over breakfast. (What is scrapple?) Obviously, she's doing her best to fulfil her mother's role, but perhaps lacking the patience and tolerance, being quite young herself. In the kitchen, there's the same level of care with the description of the furniture and décor. We then learn that she is a witch, and a bounty hunter, living in a world where demons and vampires are part of the culture.

Your writing and plotting show a lot of promise, Jessica, but you still have room to improve. Aside from the minor issues, like spelling and typos, consider the ways in which you can tighten this story, e.g. cutting down on some of the more peripheral details, especially any that seem slightly repetitive, and concentrating more on the dramatic elements so that we're pulled into the excitement at an early a stage as possible. I've cut out some of the repetition from the long pitch to give an example of tightening the writing (though of course the pitch is very different to the story itself)...

"Jaelynn O'Ryan is a beautiful witch who has not used her powers since hiding from the demon who killed her mother when Jaelynn was a child.

Eleven years later, it's time for her to come out into the open and risk her life to avenge her mother, and to save the people she loves.

Does she have the strength and inner resources to succeed? Follow Jaelynn's journey of sacrifice and self discovery."

One of the best tips I can give you, Jessica, is to read your work aloud to yourself. If you do that, you will quickly see the best ways to edit it. I don't think you are ready for the ED yet, but you have the right attitude and skills to become an excellent novelist, and for that, I'm backing you.

Jessica -

A Daughter's Sacrifice - there's a style, a signature to this , which I like. Jaelynn, bounty hunter for Criminal and Charmed. She likes darkness, has to be as smooth as silk and as cold as ice to succeed in her task of revenge. Typos here and there, not a problem at this stage. The story works and the writing chimes.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Like Barry, I enjoyed ch.1. It has a richness about it and doesn't move too fast. It's as if you are giving me time to find my bearings and I feel comfortable with that. Nice work and important that you display it here. Best wishes, Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

Jessica. Not sure if my post got to you yesterday, so reposting and RE-BACKING! Finished reading it . Still enjoyable - assume ending will be notably climatic? Backed as mentioned in last text.
Appreciate any comments / backing or trashing of my childrens book.
Jerry [paperbat adventures]

Hi Jessica, I enjoyed chapter one.
Your pitch needs some help -- it's over-wordy and very repetitive. You say 'he's back for revenge'. Revenge for what?
'...killed her mother when she was a young child' sounds like the mother was a young child.

Please feel free to ignore my attempt at revision below -- it's meant to be helpful.


Jaelynn O'Ryan is a beautiful young woman and a witch. Her powers can't be matched but she has not used them since a demon killed her mother.

Eleven years later he's back for revenge.

It's time for her to come out of hiding and risk her life to save the world she knows and the people she loves.

Can her powers defeat the Demon and avenge her mother?

Follow her into a journey of sacrifice, self discovery, love, inner strength and trust.



What do you think?

Best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Jessica,

Oooh, fun and a little creepish! Harry Potter comparisons are inevitable when you are writing a modern-day magic tale, but I think your work is different enough to stand on it's own. You've created a unique world for Jaelynn to navigate, and you've clearly got the imagination to make this work. There are a few typos or grammar crits, nothing a weekend spent editing won't cure. But this is worth the effort!

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I looooooved this!!! Needs a little polish but the potential is FANTASTIC. this is exactly the kind of novel I'd purchase myself. Kudos for giving the story such a great twist and such a well developed main character!

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Howdy!

My comment mirrors everything J Moore said below me here. I know a lot about her in the first chapter. I think you have a talent for going very deep into your character. Try removing any of the sidetrack description (i.e., anything that doesn't keep us linear, moving toward the revelation, or crux of what we need to know in order to follow along. I only say this because I think this has real promise, and can make a heck of a story once you break down some of the larger paragraphs early on in the first chapter. Nothing wrong with long paragraphs, but in order to zoom a reader through, you need to keep a set of virtual fingers snapping in your mind--stick on it-stick on it--Know what I mean?

These are just impressions from one reader. I really enjoyed the story and your characterization is done very well. I'm happy to back a work with such promise.

Gerry

This is a good example of details showing us who a character truly is. When details are irrelevant we call it purple prose, but when details say something about the character we call it fine writing.
It's hard to comment on style because each writer needs to find her own style. But when it comes to clarifying the prose, I'd recommend italics for Jaelynn's thoughts and fixing the punctuation problems. I know, I know, many writers leave those things to the second draft (and that's fine; you know they're there) but many readers become distracted by those little quirks. Backed for the interesting character and great potential!

The inner dialogue at the start seem true to life, but I would advise writing it with italics as then I could immediately tell what's inner dialogue and what in not since there realyl isn't that much of it later on, or at least the story isn't driven by it as much. Good writing overal, can't comment much on the story yet, will have to read some more.

What a great story. This is in an interesting plot-line...and you have built a great empathy to Jaelynn and even to her dad. Well done.

The manuscript does need a good polish-up. Here are a few bits I found in the first chapter.

1. compforter-comforter
2."You need a real life then the crap you have now and that damn job of yours." That sentence need to be reworked. And the common mistake of then-than. Then is a time word...then I will go to work. Than is comparison. better than gold.
3. Finally--she wakes in the room. Her room--then suddenly she is talking about it being her mother's room. You might want to clarify that.
BUT--those are easily cleaned up in a great story!
Backing this in a minute when I clear a bit of shelf space.
Barbara

sorry, my computer crashed and wouldn`t let me continue what I was writing!. What I`ve read so far is great, and it`s well written. I think this will do well.

Sarah Louise

Great story so far, well written. O

This is great, we don't get enough books about witches on this site, at least I haven't found them! The plot behind this is brilliant, it definitely entices the reader to continue and you execute it very well. You have a great talent for setting up a scene and making the reader react to the atmosphere, it makes this read so vividly. I think you've got an awesome story here, I'd buy this in a heartbeat. Jaelynn is a strong female character that lots of us will be able to relate to. Thanks for this, I enjoyed it!

missy

Jessica Jordan: A Daughter’s Sacrifice

I thought I will try a supernatural story today…I like ghost stories Jessica and I like them told in the most creative way not the typical run of the mill blurbs that go on these days both on the tele and with the story books complete with blood, gore and the like. Yuck!

When I read yours’, I found that you have set a unique plot to this story and the idea of the some satanic force coming back to haunt a family, already bewilders me. No one’s safe of course! And so, when I page further, I do have the interest of wanting to read more only I am so taken up with two little ones tugging at me for food now! Not a moment's peace now awaits me when their tummies grind for some fill.. It’s lunch time out here and time for their feed :) If you need me to come back and say more beyond Chapter 2, just ask me… I have no trouble with that.

Get it published!

Romilla
Forgetting Sally

jae i liked what i could read it is nice and i would like to read the hole thing

Dear Jessica,
Really compelling cover art, looks like it's going to be a horror story. It's got quite a scary look to it. You have a little typo in the first paragraph - way to early to wake up - should be - way too early.. I like the way you depict the sadness of the MC when thinking of her mother's death, and the dialog with her father. Nice!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe

Please excuse the following message if I’ve already sent it to you. Sometimes I get confused! Thanks.

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!

This made for a great bedtime read and I really like thhe Jaelynn character. :)

(backed on behalf of Jim darcy. Please take a look at The Firelord's Crown. Thank you! :)

Excellently done. You have the sort of authorial voice that carries a narrative well. I thought the development of the charcaters through your dialogue was highly crafted.

backed

Wow !!!! Jessica this is an amazing piece. A Daughter's Sacrifice" is written well, yes there are few errors here and there but who on this site does not have any. I'm still working through mine, and no matter how many times I edit, I always find something new. Anyway you have an amazing potential with your writing and your pitch has really drawn me in, hook line and sinker.
I am so happy to back this book, and wish you the best of success with it.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

The author develops a closeness with the reader through the use of a firm narrative voice and pays much attention to establishing the scenes. One can't help but trust the closeness inherent in the narration and besides, I will back this for the ghostly promise it delivers too!!!!! Who wouldn't want to read a ghost story....:)

Best of luck Jessica!

Romilla
Directives for Murder

You have written a most unique and compelling story and I especially like your use of the first person narrative voice. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development of Jaelynn is well done. Your imaginative writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

JJ: these pitches both work for this fantasy genre. I do apologize for the lack of a proper comment but I am leaving for the weekend and it's late here. Let me know if you want a proper comment upon my return and I will read more as soon as I have a chance. For now, enjoy the BACKING. I can use your comment on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Jessica:
You have a compelling plot line here. Just keep an eye out for the typos, which tend to trip up the reader, getting in the way of an otherwise interesting story.
Best of luck with your work.
Peace,
Christian Piatt
PULLING THE GOALIE

Who is thirteen ? As the pitch is written seems like the mother, but that can't be!
Compforter? is this comforter?

Nice writing that stirs the mind from line 1

Backed
THE DATE

Quick typo in the pitch (wom(e)n instead of wom(a)n).

This is a powerful piece and is written with a depth of passion for your characters, whom you are obviously keenly aware of. I think fantasy is an easy genre in which to lose realism for characters, events and narrative plot lines but you avoid this with a graceful pen.

BACKED

I love this so far! You have a real talent for writing and such a vivid and gifted imagination! I wish I could come up with stuff like this. Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

DAUGHTER’S SACRIFICE
I like stories about witches. My wife is a descendant of a woman tried at Salem for a witch so I like to learn more about what she may have inherited. You’ve created a good character in Jaelynn for this; she’s likable and also sympathetic because she realizes the responsibility she ought to take to fight off demons – yet still is reluctant to do that. You have an engaging writing style; know to put in enough detail a reader knows what is happening, not so much you bog down your story. I’m adding it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 3rd place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

I have no idea why my coment came up three times. That is odd. Sorry about that.

Jo G

This is an entertaining read with a good premise and a great opening hook. My main criticism is editorial, to do with the construct of your paragraphs and sentances. I rarely comment on editorial issues because in many cases it is cosmetic, however on a couple of occasions my reading flow was a little interrupted by it. Please don't see this as a huge negative as overall this is a great piece of work and should have lots of appeal in it's market
Because of that I am happy to back your work

Jo G

This is an entertaining read with a good premise and a great opening hook. My main criticism is editorial, to do with the construct of your paragraphs and sentances. I rarely comment on editorial issues because in many cases it is cosmetic, however on a couple of occasions my reading flow was a little interrupted by it. Please don't see this as a huge negative as overall this is a great piece of work and should have lots of appeal in it's market
Because of that I am happy to back your work

Jo G

This is an entertaining read with a good premise and a great opening hook. My main criticism is editorial, to do with the construct of your paragraphs and sentances. I rarely comment on editorial issues because in many cases it is cosmetic, however on a couple of occasions my reading flow was a little interrupted by it. Please don't see this as a huge negative as overall this is a great piece of work and should have lots of appeal in it's market
Because of that I am happy to back your wok

Jo G

You have a good story. your writing flows reasonably well, a little editing an polish will enhance this book emensely. All the basics work, a little refinement
Backed
Scorselo

This is very interesting book. I do recomend that you organize it a bit differetnly and put dialogue on its own line for smoother reading. It is distrupting when presented in the middle of the text. Other than that it is very good. Backed

Dear Jessica
you are a prolific writer, congrats.
this book is so totally original and this is so good considering how many demon books are on site. Your characters especially your MC is riveting, you use your words with skill. I have not read it all yet but I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

I backed this book after reading the first chapter.
I think that the word usage and construction is, to say the least, second to none. the decsiption is just right, not too intense, but at the same time, just enough to make it an enjoyable and riveting read.
Rest assured, I will be continuing with this book and offering more feedback.
Sye