Not Alone

Hello! A good story here, but a few things you might want to look into are tense changes... sometimes you are past tense: I walked, He nodded, etc. and sometimes you are present tense: I'm his second chance. Another thing to look into is dialogue punctuation. Here is a link that might help: http://www.rebecca-hamilton.com/?p=14. And another comb through for typos. But putting technicalities aside, I will say you have a good, easy going voice, and a believable character. I like the way your first chapter segues into the narrators life in chapter 2. Well done. I've seen a few movies done this way and you really nailed it on the delivery. A pleasure to back.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Hi Jennifer.
I enjoyed the first two chapters. You do need a small edit but on the whole i thought this had very good potential and contained some truly atmospheric writing. Your long pitch could also be improved by further addition. good luck, i hope this does well.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

I have only read Ch1, and noticed a few small things: 'name' instead of 'named' and 'their' instead of 'they're' and 'you' instead of 'your'. Just editing issues we all have. Unfortunately this type of story is not for me, but I feel has value for many adolescents. Will back this to assist your story in getting noticed.

Not Alone

Jennifer Erickson

"...life time..." in your short pitch should be "lifetime"? (one word ?)

Your elementary pitches do not t provide enough significant details about what your story is really about - therefore, the reader will have to waste time going through some of your pages to find out, and many people are lazy so if this was in a bookstore, it is very likely that a potential buyer will move on to read the next book's blurb to see if that one grabs his attention. I thus think your pitches need expanding - especially the long one. For instance, why don't you say that Mike is a counselor and Nick, his patient, instead of just listing their names? At least this gives a sense of the nature of their relationship and the reader can decide whether he wants to get into this kind of a story.
"Is she part of the reason why you tried to kill yourself?" You have a substantive and interesting first chapter, which is an indication that perhaps there is merit in the rest of the book. But I want to know from your pitches what your book is about, and to be enticed by them to read your story.
Reasonable first chapter where you introduce your two main characters hinting at the end at exploration thereafter of the counselor's painful childhood, despite the fact that counselors rarely talked about their childhoods to patients, so why is Mike doing this? A bit if distrust of him on the reader's part at this point - but maybe what he has to say will help Nick, perhaps. So, a temptation to read on to find answers.

A very real and believable book. You kept it simple, a teenage boy with real problems. This is well written, really stands out to me. I think if this were out on the market it may inspire a lot of kids who are going through what Michael is. He's very sympathetic. I enjoyed this and wish you well with it.

missy

Dear Jennifer, I love your story of a teen-aged son caught between his parents from a divorce - you put me right there with him - great write. :) Sad to say divorces are over 50%, now, & the children suffer, as mine did - you'll see in my memoirs. Your pitch was well done & I love your large lettering & crisp paragraphs & dialogue, making for an easy read. :) I've backed your book. :) Hope you'll take a moment to back my 2. :) Love, Susie :)

Jennifer,

I love how, as a woman, you write from the male perspective (as it's something that I do). You have a great story contructing here and, after reading the first chapter, I want to read more. There are a few grammatical errors & I thought you could've used some more complex sentence structure, but overall it's great. =)

Amanda
The Awakening

Not Alone Nick because my parents divorced and remarried, so I became split between two families like a piece of unwanted jetsam, so said Micheal Kelley, Nick's therapist. And so begins a tale of lost childhood innocence, of living in an apartment, as opposed to a house, so are the rooms adequate for my toys, why all this distruption.
Interesting premiss of first establishing a happy carefree upbringing, and its positive effects of contentment and joy, to the negative effects of divorce and seperation, on a ten year old boy with no brothers or sisters.
Does need tightening with a few minor spelling/typos, but a very readable story, not heartwrenching sad, but quietly unobtrusively sad.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

You have written a most compelling story and I especially like your use of the first person narrative voice. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development of Michael and Nick is well done. All of this coupled with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

As a therapist, I found the beginning of this novel very well written - and except for the last part, very true to life. It isn't exactly how I would handle a first session with a suicidal adolescent, but I'm sure everyone does it differently. Wish I had time to read more! Best of luck with this well written book. Jayne

The sadness of your story grabbed me, and your sympathetic, honest style of writing suits the emotional theme of the book. There are a few errors - some punctuation, some words that could be changed for more descriptive ones. Some of the sentence construction is rather clumsy and could do with 'tightening. The phrase, rarely if never, is repeated twice in quick successive paragraphs. Also, this phrase would surely be better if it read, 'rarely if ever', rather than never. The beginning of the story uses the word 'was' too frequently and a new way of wording these sentences might improve the flow. Please don't be put off by this nit-picking; it is meant constructively. I have practically re-written every chapter of my book once already and am in the process of doing so again. That, basically, is the beauty of this site; the feedback from other writers. I like your book enough to back it, and do so for the potential of your sensitive and caring story.

Jenn: the short pitch works. The long pitch needs to be expanded upon. I do apologize for the lack of a proper comment but I am leaving for the weekend and it's late here. Let me know if you want a proper comment upon my return and I will read more as soon as I have a chance. For now, enjoy the BACKING. I can use your comment on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Hi Jennifer, The telling of this professional life is storylike at the outset. And the session with Nick zoomed in on some vital points. Still, it hits the story level which shows how that is in itself therapeutic. Michael's background and problems with his parents fighting are also narrated with good momentum that mounts. This involved and has a nice balance between contemporary reality and narrative. Happy to shelve - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

If I'm honest< I really wasn't sure about this book to start with. The first couple of pars were way over descriptive, for example, "putting the cup into the dishwasher", and "woolly, "fluffy slippers".
having said that..., I've stuck with it, and apert from some very minor editing, I think you have the makings of a good book.
Backed!

This is a really special piece of literature. The writing is sound and professional, but what got to me the most was Nicholas and the descriptions of him. I liked the holes in the sleeves of the shirt, I liked the way he "threw" the narrator a smile to encourage the life story. There wasn't anything in chapter two that I didn't like, either. It is a rough story, and the kind that I most appreciate by nature. If it were only the story itself, truthfully, I'd probably still back you as I think stories that deal with sensitive, important social issues are of an overlooked, but crucial, merit. But,that's not the only reason I'm backing this: I'm also backing it because it feels genuine, and the writing is credible. Good luck!

Tiffini Johnson
The Character

Jennifer,
Not Alone reads like a true account. I wasn't sure it was fiction because at times it seems like a journal. It's a page-turner with an enthralling plot. The suspense builds throughout the narrative. Backed with pleasure.

Dear Jennifer, I had to keep reading this because I wanted to know what happened. You have the talent to describe a scene and a character and I think with some editing this could be really good. Have you thought about varying the length of your sentences? There needs to be more variety of rhythm. Read it aloud to check. And take out ANYTHING that doesn't move the story forward. There is a bit too much detail in the first section, though it does paint a good picture of the narrator so you have to balance the two. I notice that someone else thinks your pitch isn't interesting but I liked it; it's concise. Some pitches are far too long (maybe I should look again at mine!)
Hope that helps. I've backed it. Would you be able to have a look at mine and maybe return the favour?
Best wishes, Adelina
A Distant Family

You hit the buttons with this. Absolutely stunning.

Backed for sure

THE DATE

You are certainly a talented writer and this reads like my kind of book. Easy to back this.

Liz
The Cheech Room

NOT ALONE
This is an interesting story. Michael is a good main character; He’s warm and likable with just enough flaws to make him intriguing. Nick is a good contrast to him and an obvious challenge. You have a good writing style for this genre. You balance dialogue and description in the right way; keeps your story always moving. I’m adding this to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 3rd place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Hi. Constructive comments first: Make your pitch more interesting. We will read your book with pleasure, you don't need to ask. Your pitch needs to be a nice hook to make it sound irresistible!!

Second - the beginning. It's a good idea to get your readers into the story so you have them snared and they can't resist reading on. The beginning is a little uninteresting with the three alarm calls and the slippers details, to be honest. I read on as that's what I'm here for, and the story gets going and starts to tell itself well, but the start is what you have - for a bookshop browser not to mention a possible agent, and it needs to really entice.

That sounds all negative but it's not meant to. I'm enjoying the story now I'm into it and the writing is good. The idea is a good one and I will back it when I have space on my shelf.
Polly
STONES.

This is almost like reading a journal of the events and it gives urgency to the writing. Very hard to put down and very thought provoking. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Dear Jennifer,
Congratulations on posting your novel Not Alone, it is written with passion and powerful pros that instantly draw a reader to it intrigue.
I am backing it because displays so much potential, and because I sincerely believe you're a tremendously good writer.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

This is very involving and convincing.

Here and there, errors slip into the writing. These
can be a bit distracting.

I found the opening few paragraphs a little tensionless and
quiet, though atmospheric. As soon as as Mike starts
for work, and we see he is a doctor, I began to feel conflict
coming up, and it all rang true.

I'm reading on with strong interest, finding the story gripping and
significant.

Dear Jennifer
I love pitches , and they really serve you by selling your book to readers and potential publishers. within the first few chapters of your book one can tell that this is going to rise fast on this site. I would encourage you to use the space for a short pitch instead of asking us to read it, we will. use this space to get your publisher, and you will get one, with skill like this. II will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter