Dreamscape

Rachael ...
This was so easy for me to get into, even though i hate reading off the computer. you've managed to separate the paragraphs with ample white space that makes it easier on the eye. but more importantly, you've written well! most of the time i find it difficult to get into a story, it may take several pages even chapters to feel vested. not in this one ... nope, here i got vested immediately. one of the reasons i think is that you introduce the characters slowly and carefully. i'm not wondering who the heck is so and so and who was that again. its so easily spelled out here. wonderful!

then the beginning was just magical for me with three year old Carly chanting "the man on the moon was ennuye" aww ... i thought she was just cute.

then we move on to her when she's 14 and we get to learn of her recurring dreams which become more elaborate with time. you've done such a wonderful job with that. it was so vivid for me ... her looking at herself (she later realizes its her twin) and running for the elevator.

i want to give you suggestions ... but i really don't know what :) ... the plot is interesting, the pace is wonderful (of the two chapters i read). and yes, the reader is interested enough in carly to want to know what becomes of her hunt for her parents and her sibling. so i must retire here and say ... great work (in my most humblest of opinions) showered with stars and backed v. soon for the YA fans that'll be reading this in print one day soon.
happy writing!
kari

Dear Rachael, This is a fascinating tale that kept me reading through all twenty-nine chapters. A "dreamscape" it is, especially at the start, and as Carly gains insight into her identity, it becomes a science-fiction fantasy. The characters are well developed, and we are held in suspense as new ones enter and the mysteries unfold.

A few suggestions to make the writing more acceptable to editors and readers are to break up the longer paragraphs and the sentences that run together. Many scenes could be enhanced with dialogue. Also a future date should be given early, since the space travel mentioned toward the end (going through wormholes, etc.) couldn't occur with today's technology. The story shows a rich imagination, and the main theme--a young girl's yearning to know her origin--has a strong emotional appeal. On my shelf tonight.

Bill Carrigan
"The Doctor of Summitville"

Well-crafted science fiction. Great theme. Masterful imagery. Interesting, complex characters. Realistic banter. Excellent sense of place. Thought provoking narrative. Well placed twists. Inventive plot. Surefooted writing. A captivating read. Backed.

What a wonderful blend of Sci-fi and spiritual shamanism. This is an excellent book for expanding youthful consciousness and the possibilities that lie “outside of the box”. It is an imaginative, well crafted, thought provoking and entertaining endeavor. We’re all Carly in various ways aren’t we? Backed.

Miles A. Robinson
Song for Mt Father and Loud Lucy Ludlow

A really interesting and intriguing story. Your voice is calm, unusual and oddly futuristic sounding. I love the whole premise and was instantly drawn to Carly and her situation. The atmosphere of the book kind of reminds me of a cross between Ishiguro's 'Never Let Me Go' and 'The Matrix' ! Love it. Backed with pleasure x

You start off with a great pitch that manages to grab the reader (and me too). This is one of the best pieces of children's literature I have come across here on authonomy, and that is saying a lot. You should always start with your strengths to hold the reader and the "Man in the Moon" does just that. Read through chapter 19 and this book retains its strength throughout. Great job. I intend to come back for the rest.

Fascinating story which I've already backed.
Its well written and the dreams are so well described. What an amazing imagination you must have!
Ruby Middleton
'Will Ryan'

Hi Rachael,

Sorry it has taken me so to get to your book, I appreciate your patience and your past support of my book.

I really enjoyed the first three chapters of Dreamscape. The opening scene is really sweet and the poem added a sense of childlike charm. This may be a dumb question but what is a ennuye? It wasn’t in my computer’s dictionary.

As the story unfolded, it captured my imagination naturally and just like Carly, I wanted the answers to her past as well.

You do a great job developing your characters I felt sorry for Carly because of her sense of not belonging, but you remedy that with some good friends and a seemingly safe and trustworthy Ms. Osborne.

I liked reading the different dream sequences and wondered how they were all going to eventually fit together. At this point, they add a lot of intrigue to the story.

Your manuscript is very clean of typo’s. I only noticed one in chapter three:
When Calry (Carly) got back to the institute, she went to look for Marta.”

“The Corporation” really has me curious. I has a strange feeling what ever or whoever it is, it is up to no good.

I liked what I read and if I had more time, I would definitely read on. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

{Dreamscape} – Rachel Cox

Beginning at the beginning, your pitch was great and I love the idea you put forth!
Chapter 1 is beautifully written and I particularly like how you use the song of the man in the moon to set the scene and build the mood :) very nice transitions.
You begin the characterisaiton of Carly well, and the reader really feels her questioning and desire to have answers, also the hint of loneliness. Good development of reader attachment to character.

Chapter 2 brings in some more mystery to the story with Carly’s dreams. Particularly, the description of being in her mother’s womb and seeing another baby – a twin – captivating!
Small suggestion here; when she wakes up feeling ‘a little confused, a little stunned’ I’d eliminate the word ‘feel’ and just expand on describing how she feels more… just to heighten that connection of reader and character

Loved the title of chapter 3 and I like the continuity of the dreams. Also will take the opportunity to mention now, your dialogue reads smoothly and very natural. I like how it is snappy but we are still able to follow it clearly, knowing who says what. I’d describe Will in a few differing ways; his ‘cheeky’ look/smile appears twice in the space of a couple of short paragraphs
Also, I like the snappy, shorter sentences that finish your chapters and act as hooks to pull the reader on into the next… particularly end of chapter 3 with the question ‘who exactly was she?’
Overall this is a lovely piece of children’s sci fi that I would highly recommend.
All the best I, hope to read more when I clear up some more reading debts :)
Cara
Dawn of Destruction

Interesting & unusual. It's an interesting spin, using an Institute for the gifted instead of just a children's home and it was nice to read something based in the Midlands rather than London etc for a change. The bizarre mix of drama, sci-fi and the 'twin thing' feeds your curiosity entertains you but keeps you wanting more.
Starred & added to watchlist so i can delve deeper into the story at a later date.
Best of luck.

I love this story Rachael and you probably know why. It is a great blend of recurring dreams, astral travel, outer body experience and spiritual forces which I too cover in my own book Four Corners.
You dwscribe them well, and your storyline is amazing. I was so hooked from the beginning that I couldn't stop myself from reading.
Dreams are a difficult thing to explain so fancy descriptions can muddle the reader. You have written it simply and extremely well.
There is just one small area that sounded confusing to me, it was a paragraph near the beginning of the third chapter;.
'There was something she always found strange about these dreams in particular, more so than the others...'
I read the first three chapters and I am keeping it watchlisted to read more in my spare time. I want to know what happens.
Highly starred
Junetee (FOUR CORNERS, book one, The Rock Star.)

I have read the first three chapters as part of our reading swap. I hope you find these comments useful. I try to be honest so please take what you will of my comments and ignore the rest!
I like the premise - the idea of a missing twin and a mystery Carly needs to solve. The problem is got to quite quickly so the reader has plenty of questions that need answering.
In your first chapter I think you could do more to build up the moment before she sees the face behind her closed eyes. A little more dramatic tension is needed here to create a bit of suspense.
In Ch 2 I think there are too many dreams described - you could just describe one in greater detail, again to build up the suspense and to describe exactly how it makes Carly feel. As it stands at the moment it feels a little laboured and drawn out. You could explain that it is a recurring dream.
In Ch 3 again I think this could be described in a more dramatic manner - make us feel what she is feeling, describe her emotions.
Anyway, just a few ideas. If the story is a bit more tightly-paced it will provide a good, interesting read for YAs. Well done so far and good luck with it.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Dreamscape is mind bubbling. That's after I read first paragraph where your characters looking through window. One reciting poem and other dream. I know its fantasy but you could make your opening sound realistic. In normal circumstance, if a person reciting poem the other would take interest. Unless it was boring. And if its boring the other would move away not dream

Hi Rachael,
Just read your first couple of chapters and loved it. Very vivid, your pitches were great. This is a very relatable story, dealing with so many things that kids wonder about. You have a gift for drawing the reader right it. Great work, six stars and I'm adding it to my WL so I can read more soon.
Best of luck with it!

Bre
Memoria

I have read this before and rated it highly! I have come back to read it it again and I am finding that it is one of those books that a person may read again and again and seems to never get old. I have put you on my watchlist shelves so that I may move it up when any of my shelf books make it to the ED desk.
May you have an enjoyable Friday!
Carmina

Dear Rachael,

Here’s my review of ‘Dreamscape’. Please pardon me if I come across as a little blatant, but I’m just a first time writer. I’d request you to consider my comments as honest feedback from an eager follower who is genuinely hooked to your story.

‘Dreamscape’ has a very intriguing premise. The pitch is very well written. I can’t imagine a genre-fan not wanting to read more. As a minor suggestion, I think you can remove that last paragraph. The pitch will look sleeker without it. Of course, if you want to put in the Big Brother angle, you can do so in the second paragraph itself. The opening is very nice and the poem is an excellent idea. The narrative is simple and flows effortlessly. The dialogue is real and plausible. I enjoyed the first two chapters immensely.

Reading on I was a wee bit disappointed to find the same thread continuing into the 3rd chapter as well. There’s nothing wrong as such, except that I was looking forward to the narrative taking off in a big way and felt a bit let down by the prolonged dream thing. I felt that it hampered the nice pace of the story. Also at this point, the narrative threatened to lapse into a ‘tell’ mode and you seemed to have given away some vital clues. I would strongly advise you against that.

The Native American shamanism angle is again a very good touch. There is a lot of scope to exploit this plot point by actually ‘showing’ us a few sessions with Carly and Jane, instead of merely mentioning it. Butterfly Lady and Maxine Dorell renewed my interest and I carried on till the end of the chapter. Miss Osbourne is also a shady lady who certainly knows more than she admits. I look forward to reading more. Meanwhile, 6 bright stars to ‘Dreamscape’ and all the very best to you, my friend.

Best regards,
AGC

Rachael,
Wow, great story! I enjoyed reading the first few chapters, and I'll come back and read some more. I'll put you on my shelf soon!
Susan
The Adventures of Sohi

Oh poor Carly! It reminded of what happened with my life, I know exactly what some of those stuff meant. The beginning sounded like Dr. Who! It was very imaginative! The story is very weel written, I like you adding the song into it! Will read more soon! :D

Hi there!

So I finally got around to your book. As it's close to Christmas, I'm limited for time and only had the chance to read chapter one.

The writing is smooth and reads well. There were no choppy or weird sentences or spelling errors that jumped out at me. You also do a nice job of using dialogue to fill in some of the blanks of Carly's life without breaking the flow of the story or dumping a bunch of information on the reader. I think the only thing I would suggest is to increase Carly's level of frustration about the lack of information regarding her identity. I get that's she disappointed but she still seems a little mellow about it. From what I understand, the answers about her identity are central to the story. That mystery really has to catch the reader's attention as it's the hook that what will carry us through the story. That said, your MC is likeable and I was interested in the mystery surrounding her.

Regarding corrections, I noted a few things. I'm not an expert in punctuation and all that, but these sentences stuck out to me and thought I would mention them. Feel free to ignore what doesn't make sense to you.

'No, really, I can't, as I explained...': This sentence seemed to need to be broken up into two. Like, 'No, really, I can't. As I explained...'

'I don't think they can, someone has made it untraceable...': Same issue here. 'I don't think they can. Someone has made it untraceable...'

'...over four million and they would have changed your name, I really don't see...': Same issue. '...over four million and they would have changed your name. I really don't see...'

'..she just felt that she had seen it before.' :The only thing I wold suggest here is that you end with a stronger phrase which would evoke a stronger reaction and interest in your reader. Something like, '...she didn't see it properly but she was SURE she had seen it before.'

Those are just a few suggestions and you are free to take or leave any of them.

I like this story and believe it should be read by others. So I will star it and back it when I get the chance.

Best regards,

Dyane
The Eagle's Gift
The Purple Morrow

Hi

A few little things caught me. I can give you more detail if you like. If you feel like sending me the first chapter I will do a track changes edit for you so you see what I mean. Have done this for a few people here - some find it useful :)

wispyauthor@hotmail.com

I have read through Chapter 12 so far and I like what I have read. Not as much Sci-Fi as I like, but you tell your story very well. I don't see very many issues. Your chapter transitions are good and most of your grammar is good. I have noticed a few spelling issues, but other than that, this novel is a VERY good read. I have increased my rating to 5 stars.

Rachael,

I got around to your story at last. So here it goes.


Chapter 1
the whole discussion with the therapist seems out of place, as it probably has been done before. You present their relationship going way back and you also mention that they have talked over those matters many times before. Wouldn't it be reasonable for the discussion to be the "afterwards" of the discussion you described? My suggestion would be to either a) have Carly be hesitant to discuss with anyone until that moment, and this way give the facts to the reader, making the discussion longer, or b) rewrite the meeting on a different basis. Not necessarily something new on the facts' side. But present in the dialogue only the feelings and worries of the girl and put the back-info of her status inbetween. Your 3rd person POV has these advantages.

One correction, in capitals is as it should be:
"...WHOSE genes they were."

Chapter 2.
Short , to the point, you added the mystery of the twin. I liked it.

Chapter 3.
Again, here, you introduce action that should have been taken earlier. The whole reasoning process is one that a gifted child would have achieved earlier on.
Correction:
"...was her CONFIDANTE,..."

Chapter 4
You are going to lose a lot of readers at the very first sentence:
"Carly's dreams had always had a big impact..." I think by now the reader is familiar with the premise of how important the dreams are. Introducing yet another one in the same fashion is already "annoying" (as in "why can't the author invent something else in order to show us the dreams she has?" annoying) , but explaining in a full paragraph that it's all-important to learn about her dreams makes it downright difficult to want to carry on (with all due respect).

So, I decided to stop reading there.

I hope I could be of help.

Yannis

Hi Rachael,
That is how my sister spells her name!
What a cool story. I love how it begins in this state home or orphanage. Right there you begin the story with a great premise of a cast-off feeling within the little girl. And I love the man-on-the-moon poem you used, that was beautiful. I've never heard it before. I could see a little girl singing it as she gazed out the window.

Few tips from chapter one:

...There must be a way to find out" ... Missing period after 'out'
...there are no parent's details...I think this would sound better as 'details on your parents'
Even the place of Birth...birth doesn't need to be capitalized
What is the point in having a kid... these two sentences (this one and the one after) put in italics to show she is thinking this.

I think your dialogue was great. Some people have a hard time making dialogue seem and feel natural but you were spot on, really perfect. It felt right, great job and big stars.

Rebecca
~Askival
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38264/askival/
Over eleven thousand teens vanish in one day. This is the story of where they went.

Rachael, I have decided to back your book and rate it. I will be reading it next and may change rating when done.

Hi Rachael.
I like the premise, well thought out, a compelling read that keeps the reader wanting to know more.
This is a book that starts off to be very interesting and continues in the same manner page by page.
A nice character in Carly, with her unusual dreams. She contributes an excellent voice to your book.
With the Sci- Fi element taking the centre stage, I think this is right on course for the Y/A market.
I like your book and your style of writing. I have rated it accordingly with many stars.

Kind regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Hello! You have a lovely story here and I couldn't spot anything wrong with it. The only thing I would say is that it feels more like a children/Middle grade novel to me than YA. I only read up to the first chapter, so I don't know if Carly gets older or not, but here she is 14 and that seems a good age for a MG novel. Secondly, the writing style is more MG/children's and it feels like the subject matter is too. I feel like it would appeal more to that age group, which isn't a bad thing at all.
Happy writing!

Hi Rachael, the read you requested.
This is a really lovely story. It starts off sweet and affectionate.
I immediately developed a liking for Carly and sympathised with her plight.
I've read three chapters and became quite engrossed in the story.
There seems to be a paranormal theme running through, with Carly's dreams and I find that intriguing.
I would say this would be a great story for the YA market you are aiming for.
The only thing I can see that could be improved is, if you adhere to the rule of show don't tell.
I find you are telling too much of the story rather than showing.
EG; A random sentence to explain the rule; The boy walked down the street, he saw a cat and nearly tripped over it. (That is telling)
Showing would say: The boy strolled idley down the street, not looking where he was going. A large cat ran out in front of him and he slipped, nearly landing himself in the gutter.
This is just a rough guide.
I have also had to alter my MS to show more than tell. It does make a great improvement.
Having said that, your story is an excellent one. With some polishing it would be fantastic.
I hope you don't mind me telling you this. It's just that I can see a wonderful potential in this story.
You have really good story-telling skill.
Best wishes, Orma

This is a magical, highly creative story! You have crafted a perfect blend of reality and fantasy. 14-year-old Carly is very well-drawn. Readers will identify and find themselves relating well to Carly, especially through your use of internal dialogue ("Who am I?" "What is the point of having a kid if you're not gonna bring 'em up?") Your word choice is lovely and pushes beyond the typical descriptions found in YA fiction ("cityscape," "visual delight"). Overall, this is a job well done on a very imaginative piece! Giving you many stars, and keeping you on my WL to read more!
~Faith Rose
Now to Him

I enjoyed reading this. It feels very 'now', something that would sell good in this age of dystopia and 2012 looming. I love the plot, it's unique and different and Carly is memorable. I don't read much science fiction but this one grabbed me pretty quickly. The setting is great and so is the pacing. I'm interested to see how her journey turns out. Really impressive writing. Good luck with this. I'll back it when I get a chance, probably not til next week tho.

Missy

Great way to craft a novel right here. You have awesome titles for chapters that bring the reader in before they even get into the story. I'm just waiting for a story that focuses on dreams to "hit it big." You've got a real shot at this. Good luck! I'm giving you plenty of stars to try and help boost you up the ranks!

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

Love this story. Carly is such a lost girl right now. She wants to know who she is. All she knows is were she was born. That's it. She doesn't know who her parents are or why they would want to have a child if they are just going to give them up. When she raised that question I felt so bad for her. It's a HUGE question that all orphan kids probably think while they are young. Of course, they understand better when they get older but when they are that young they don't. And this is a great idea. There's no flaws in your writing from what I have seen so far. The lullaby was so refreshing to hear and set such a great tone and mood to the story that it carried on all the way through to the end of the chapter. It fell chill and relaxing. I felt like I was enjoying a nice read while at the beach on vacation sipping on some fruit drink. 6 stars. Back will have to come in the future since I need to get the ones on there now some time.

Hello Rachael,
Ch. 13
“No way, we go all the way, “The truth is out there.” She said… When you use a quotation within dialogue it should be = “No way, we go all the way, ‘The truth is out there’,” she said… AND the ‘she said’ is part of the same sentence so the full stop is replaced by a comma.
“…blah,” She said “boo…” = “…blah,” she said, “boo…”
Do yourself a favour a Google for punctuation rules, especially dialogue punctuation – there’s plenty of good free advice out there.
Try to keep your paragraphs shorter and use the MS Word grammar check to highlight the possible mistakes – it’s not the best but it does help
When several people are talking, it’s best to identify who says what. You have a bunch of paragraphs of dialogue following each other without saying who said what.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

Hello Rachael,
Ch. 12
“sayin” = “sayin’…” OR “saying…”
“gonna” is OK because it’s a speech mannerism but ‘betta’ is not so it = ‘better’
“Ok” = ‘okay’ OR ‘OK’
“…dads computer…” = “dad’s”
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

Hello Rachael,
Ch. 11
“They had some rooms upstairs, which Aleesha was going to talk to Jenny, the woman who ran it, about.” Might flow better as “… going to talk about to Jenny, the woman who ran it.”
“…alter…” = ‘altar’
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

Cool Title. Like the idea you start with a poem it caught my attention straight away. Like how you start with Carly wondering where she came from. I think everyone can relate to that. The characters are interesting and well developed. Very interesting and deeper then I thought it would be. Well done. All the best. Julia x

Hello Rachael,
Ch.5
Dialogue punctuation! Should be in the form – Carly said, “Boo!” and a new line for each separate participant in the conversation. You sometimes miss the comma.
“Give me your hands dear.” She said in… In this case the ‘she said’ is still part of the sentence so the correct form would be = “Give me your hands dear,” she said.
Ms Mollah’s habit of saying ‘eh’ at the end is fine but should be preceded by a comma. E.g. “You get my drift, eh?” the psychic smiled.
Similarly, when ‘Well’, ‘No’, ‘Yes’, or somebody’s name, etc are used at the beginning of dialogue, they should be followed by a comma.
“…network is much the same, accept that for most…” = ‘except’ NOT ‘accept’.
When there’s a long bit of monologue, it’s best to break it with some action or reaction from the audience. Even just simple things like – She fluffed her hair. OR Carly’s eyes widened. By using a verbal interruption, you make it even more natural because most people won’t listen to two minutes of talk without butting in.
Ms Mollah’s last speech was over three minutes long! Also some of the sentences in it were too long and could easily have been broken into two sentences. That would make it read better as well.
“…similar to the cloths of everyone there…” = ‘clothes’
“…caus…” should be “’cause” or “because”
Ch.6
“…Ms Wilson, Jane…” is too formal – rather just say ‘Jane Wilson’
“alter” = ‘altar’
“leesha…” should be “Aleesha…” or maybe “’Leesha…” from the delirious woman
Ch.7
Some people might see quoting half Mollah’s speech verbatim as a bit too much. Might be better just to summarise the important point of time and day.
“ok” should be ‘OK’ or ‘okay’. Strictly speaking according to the OED, it should be “O.K.”
“fifty five” = “fifty-five” and ditto 35 etc.
Ch.8
“…screen build into…” = “built”
At this pint…” = “point”
“…nothing legible came…” = “intelligible”
“…occupying sleeping…” = “…occupied by sleeping…”
Ch.9
:…his manor…” = “manner”
OK, so Billy is special and quite articulate too. Surely Jane would have been very surprised but you don’t mention any reaction from her at all. Little or no reaction from Carly is fine but Jane is a teacher and she’s looking for ways to help Billy. That’s the whole purpose of the evening, isn’t it?
Ch.10
“…very unique…” No, unique should never have an intensifier. Unique is, by definition ‘one of a kind’ and therefore cannot be slightly, very, exceptionally, etc.
“…areas with 24 hours…” = ‘within’
“…how bazaar…” = “bizarre”
“…play boy…” = playboy”

General comment – you often don’t put the closing quotes on dialogue. And sometimes you have a quote mark in the middle of dialogue.

Now I’m hooked – it took a while and you really need to do some serious editing. The beginning needs a lot of work to hook the reader earlier – see my previous comments. I will read more and comment too. This does seem like a good story with a lot of thoughtful characterisation and plot development.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

Your writing flows very smoothly, and your descriptions are succinct. I like the pacing. It’s also very soft around the edges, very light instead of prickly to read, and I found that nice for a change of pace after reading other action pieces lately that are much more rocky and gritty. :-)

The opening scene was great—it was short and sweet, all scene and no backstory until later. It was just enough to be interesting and pull me in to want to know more about who these little girls are.

The opening chapter ends with a hint of mystery—who were these girl’s parents, and what was that flash of an image she saw all about? It makes me want to read on.

Chapter two was very interesting with the dreams the girl had about her twin sister. The descriptions of the dreams themselves are also succinct and well done. I do feel like there is just something lacking though in terms of who she tells about her dreams and why. I know that she tells Marta at first, and then “she started confiding her dreams to Jane and allowing her to help analyze them,” but I feel like there needed to be more. How has her relationship with Jane changed enough for her to decide that it was time to start confiding in her? Or what else about the dream compared to other dreams startled her enough after thinking about it in her waking time to push her in this direction? Why did she decide to confide in Marta first when she did and no one else? I just feel like I need more depth about what’s going on in this girl’s mind and life in the waking world, and the interaction between the dream world and the waking world that drives her forward.

Just a few basic constructive comments after that. There are a few places where you had a tendency for run-on sentences or the use of the wrong words. Here’s a couple of examples:
Ch. 2
“That means that they don’t expect the situation the [to] change, this is a permanent protection order.”
“They couldn’t see her at first, then they could, they looked right at her, they were pointing.” Break this sentence up into two: “They couldn’t see her at first, then they could. They looked right at her, [and] they were pointing…”
“She was walking down a long corridor, she turned the left corner past six doors, she seemed to know where she was going.” Break into two or three sentences.

Otherwise your writing is very good. I love how deeply this character is exploring her dreams in every chapter to understand who she is and where she came from. And I really get a clear sense that these dreams are very important to your character and to the central drive of your story. The dreams are explored and progress in great depth, and I love them. Again, my only big complaint is that what’s going on in the waking world, the relationships, and the interaction between the dreams and the waking world are a bit thin at the moment.

I love your writing style, and I like how well this goes from dream to dream without the dream sequences feeling redundant or choppy—very nicely done. I was only able to get through chapter 5 today, but I want to keep reading.

Best of luck with this project! It’s going to be great. :-)

-Sarah ES

Great story. Well paced. It kept my interest throughout. A nice work.

Hello Rachael,
You have an intriguing pitch that caught my eye. Except that I’m not entirely sure what you mean by a “live planet”. However, the story as far as chapter 4 was boring with no mention of most of the contents of the pitch. You have done virtually nothing to hook your readers. The first page is a dull poem. The word “ennuye” is spelled “ennui” in my dictionary but I guess the spelling is justified by the date it was written.
Ch.3:
“…ok…” should be ‘OK’ or ‘okay’
Calry instead of Carly
“…was her confidant…” not ‘confident’
“Carly began to challenge Marta’s wisdom sometimes, to question if in fact she was always right?” should end with a period (full stop) not a question mark.
Ch.4
Second sentence is jumbled and confusing.
“…caus…” should be “’cause” or “because”
I hope this criticism helps you and I look forward to seeing your comments at least one of my books too.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

Rachael,
Great premise, good pacing, very interesting story.

You might take a look at some of the structure of some of your sentences. Some read a bit awkward (missing commas, misplaced commas, order of words, etc).

And just a couple of things that jumped out at me in the first chapter:

In the sentence “She just wanted to know who’s genes they were!”
“who’s” should be “whose”
(“who’s” = who is, whereas “whose” is possessive “Whose shoes are these?” )

In the sentence “Though Miss Osborne’s patience did seem to thin at times,”
“to” should be “too”

Very promising work. Seriously. A bit of editing.

-- David (Climb the Mountain, Shipwreck on ShadowWorld)

The story is well written and easily read. Your opening chapters is very interesting but chapter two is stronger and rather exciting. I would like to find out if Carly has a twin and how she discovers the truth about her parents. I will return to read further. For now I fully rated your book. I wish you the best of luck.

The story is well written and easily read. Your opening chapters is very interesting but chapter two is stronger and rather exciting. I would like to find out if Carly has a twin and how she discovers the truth about her parents. I will return to read further. For now I fully rated your book. I wish you the best of luck.

Hi Rachael,

You have an amazing imagination! Dreamscape has an original, complex plot that immerses the reader instantly in the story. Carly is believable and likeable. I look forward to seeing where her path leads. A few of your paragraphs are long (e.g. the final narrative paragraph in the "Dream of Sanctuary" chapter) but with a few cosmetic (flow) changes, Dreamscape has great potential!

Thanks for sharing your work with me. Many stars are headed your way and Dreamscape is on my watchlist. I will shelve it in August (too many promises to shelve in July). Best of luck! :)

Deb

I love the voice in this. It fits the target audience perfectly, and you’ve mastered the language for this target age group. You’ve also created a sympathetic, likeable, and genuine main character. Though many of your readers probably haven’t experienced what she has, we all can relate to wanting to know who we are. The character relationships are also well-developed. I also love the premise. It’s a very unique story that will appeal to your target audience; however, I do wonder if you ought to pitch this toward a slightly younger audience. Maybe something to think about?

I do have a few suggestions for improvement. Doesn’t pantomime mean to do so without speaking? This conflicts with the idea of her singing. Also there were a few punctuation problems, particularly with your dialogue. The main issue I saw with this is that some of the sentences just don’t flow real well. I’d try reading this aloud to catch any awkward sentences (i.e. “…and tucked her friend up in bed”) and run-on sentences (i.e. “She lay down on her bed and closed her eyes, she felt a sudden dropping feeling in her stomach and just before she opened her eyes to steady herself, she saw a flash image of her face.”) Also, the more you read other people’s novels and analyze their sentence structure, the stronger of a writer you’ll become.

Ultimately, this is a strong character piece with an intriguing premise. With a bit of an edit and polish, this could be really successful. In fact, if you get around to it, I’d love to check out any changes you make. Good work and good luck!

Dear Rachael,
Every adopted child at some point, needs to know about their roots. It's a persistent yearning which fades for a while at times, but never really goes away until you know.
I felt for Carly, and her dreams are so vivid, her anguish is palpable.
I read three chapters so far, and your story is so well written and easy to read that I will have to continue, as i believe Carly's story is not one of abandonment, but something a lot more cryptic.
Five well deserved stars and a place in line for the shelf.
Best,
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Hi Rachael! “Dreamscape” attracted my attention a long time ago, and your message was the impetus to read it. You open the story well - Carly is interested in her origin, in her parents but her guardian Miss Osborne gives her the same vague answers she used to give. I love the opening chapter – it makes me wonder what will happen next, whose face Carly sees. Not sure if the story will be set in the Institute, if yes, I’d love to see what it looks like. If Carly is going to leave it soon, then there’s no need to show it. You introduce your characters nicely at the beginning of the second chapter … and here is the description of the Institute – that’s great! By the way, I forgot to mention that I adore books with dreams and vision – I write one myself! :), but let’s get back to your book.
The dream that repeats is highly intriguing. Having a vision of being in her mother’s womb and seeing another baby is really ingenious, well done!
Now I’m really intrigued and look forward to reading more! You have a great story here – it deserves full marks!

Sincerely Yours,
Ivan Amberlake

I am struggling for space on my bookshelf, and so while I would normally back this it may have to wait.

At first, I was disppointed. There are some small errors such as missing commas, that break the rhythm and make it a little hard to read. I find myself repeating this time and again: There is nothing a quick proof-read and edit wouldn't solve, but it does need to be polished. Small things like that do make reading seem more disjointed and discouraging. Repetitions of words too close together, such as 'moon', have the same effect.

Having exhausted my small store of pedantic thoughts, I rather enjoyed the story, and the prose was excellent, tiny exceptions aside.

As I said, it is these small things that stop me from kicking another book off my shelf to support it; I am short of space. Please do let me know when you have next finished editing and updating, I'd gladly re-read then. Thanks! :)

the writing here has flow and description... good story; interesting and readable...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I found chapter one to have hooked me. My interest was peeked and that tells a lot about the author. I love the style of writing that is presented. The author knows what to portray in the story and does whatever they could to convey that image to the reader.

Penny
The Glass Serpent

Right, I've read down most of the first section. You have a strong, motherly, voice that goes well with the story.

Found a typo...“That means that they do not expect the situation the (to) change, this......'

Set against your pitch, the story seems an ordinary coming of age tale. Not ordinary in a bad way but your pitch suggests something more. I wonder if the dreams or visions that you hinted at can't be fed into the prologue? The prologue is good by the way, but a few highlights would make it stand out and hook the reader. Some of the things I added to the picture I imagined, sash window (maybe with safety bars, if at all appropriate? to give a sense of a prison feel), the girls' nightwear (pink, blue, plain white?), the moonlight reflecting in their eyes as they looked up at the moon in wonder and the older of the two girls playing mother and tucking the younger child into bed (because I felt there should have been a mother enter the room and tell them to go to sleep). All in all, very good but a few highlights would lift it off the page. Think Peter Pan, Annie and give us a breif hint of the child's visions in the first instance.

Hi Rachael,

I'm finally here to read your book. Sorry it took me a few days, but I've been swamped by messages recently.

I'll comment as I read through, since i find that the easiest way to keep track. Please son't be offended by any suggestions. They will just be my thoughts, after all. + you can always ignore me if youi think I'm wrong or a moron. :)

Chapter 1: I have 1 suggestion right away. I think you should be careful not to overdesribe. eg look at "...the bright, glowing moon shining...". Glowing and shining mean the same thing and bright is implied by glowing/shining. As a result, you're telling the read the same thing 3 times. It may irritate some readers. I'd suggest just something like " ... the moon, shining...".

I do think, however, that the way you've described the moon shows you have good instincts as a writer. It says to me you want to be as desciptive as possible. I'd just add 1 proviso: Yes be descriptive, but in the fewest words possible. That's the real trick to great writing, and it's something I'm still learning. ;)

Reading on. I like your poem/song. It's v pretty. And the dialogue really does feel like the speech of kids. Well done on that. :)

Then we get to the interesting bit. hmmm... why is she in this institute? I want to read on and find out what happened to her. And the sparse records just make the mystery deeper. Aha this is some sort of school for those with gifts. I wonder what her gift will be. could these vivid dreams be tied up with her gift? And an abrupt end to the chapter in a stone wall of a letter. Will Carly ever find out about her past? I'll have to read on.

Chapter 2: It's looking like Carly's dreams might involve the future, and she really could be a twin. Hmm a family she never knew of ... I bet she'll want to find them. More good dialogue. It cracks along at a nice pace.

1 small thing. I don't think you need beats (small physical actions) and speech tags at the same time. One or the other should do. eg in " "Of course." He answered with a cheeky smile." we can figure out he's speaking from the action. So " "Of course." He smiled." does the job perfectly.

There's 1 more tiny thing I feel I should mention while I'm nitpicking about this area. Punctuation for dialogue tends to be in the form: "Hello," David said. ie there's a comma between the end of the speech and the name outside the dialogue.

Reading on. It looks like Carly catches Miss Osbourne in some secret conversation. She seems guilty. Is this to do with Carly's past? I bet it is.

1 small thing here. I'd suggest showing more and telling less. eg "Miss Osbourne sounded a little shocked and offended." is you telling the reader a fact. It's a bit like lecturing the reader, and can be uninvolving. Something like "Miss Osbourne's cheeks flushed." shows the reader what's happening. That way the reader can infer there's something going on, and become more involved in the story.

Reading on. We finally get a glimpse of Carly's past. And then a good end to the chapter with Carly wondering who she is, and what the future will bring.

Chapter 3: More strange dreams. This is intriguing. Then we get a hint Carly may learn to control her dreams. I wonder, will she harness this power somehow? And a new lead at the end that offers hope. Aleesha.

OK I think I've read enough now to get a feel for the story and your writing. I enjoyed this. There's plenty of mystery to hold the attention of kids, and you end each chapter with something to draw the reader into reading on. we want to find out who Carly really is, and what her strange power can do.

I think there are a few things that could make the story even stronger. I've tried to pick up on them. I just hope you find some of the advice helpful.

I do hope you keep working at this, as I think the story's good and will resonate with the target audience. I hope to 1 day hear the good news that you've got an agent. ;)

Best of luck,

Pete x

I'm a couple of chapters in, and I like it so far. The story is an excellent idea, and your writing is very easy to read. Carly as a character is developing nicely so far. I'll read more when I can.

I'm drawn in with Chapter One and curious.

I can see 10+ readers enjoying this book. The characters are well developed and your dialogue is good. I do think the story needs a bit of general editing and tightening. Be absolutely ruthless. Pace is vey important when writing for this readership.
But good work.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

This is a wonderfully intriguing story. I read a couple of chapters, and skimmed more. Well written, and with the characters well fleshed out. Well done, and to be backed. Marj.