Tales of Drago's Realm: Legend of the Phoenix Aura

I read the prologue of TALES OF DRAGO'S REALM. I have not read much fantasy, so I don't have a good frame of reference to critique your work. My comments may be of limited (if any) use to you.

You paint a vivid scene in the first paragraph. A few choices in that paragraph, however, might be worth revisiting. For example, I'm not sure horses can shout or scream, so maybe you should revise that to say something like "winnied" or "neighed" or "protested loudly" or otherwise play with it. More importantly, I think you should revise the next sentence to omit the first use of the word "hair". Not only can a reader read that sentence and first think that the wind lifted an actual hair, but the repeat of the word in the same sentence is awkward. I suggest something like, "The wind picked up, making banners and cloaks flutter in the air." In the following sentence, perhaps it would be tighter if it stated "A small group watched the struggle from afar. They bore a red flag with the unofficial marking of the Eternal: a singly gray ring." Regardless, I think the spelling is "gray" not "grey", but I'm terrible at spelling. Also, why is it an "unofficial" mark? Is there an official one?

The dialogue sounds good. In the third line of dialogue, I don't think you need the tag "he assured him", but it's not a big deal one way or the other. Change "The men under the Eternal had begun to lose ground" to "The men under the Eternal lost ground". You'll save a couple of words and lose no meaning. In the sentence after that, I recommend changing to an active construction (i.e., Instead of "It was clear a miracle was needed . . ." you could write, "They needed a miracle to regain the advantage" or even "It was clear they needed a miracle to regain the advantage.").

Perhaps you can give us more specific identifiers than "ancient looking man"; "old man"; "cloaked man"; and "she". You could give each man a name or describe them in further detail (e.g., clothing, facial features, etc.). I think "ancient looking" should be hyphenated.

"Archaic" seemed like a strained word choice where "ancient" would have been more natural. Again, consider active construction so that "From out of thin air emerged a massive beast" becomes "A massive beast emerged from thin air." I would lose the line about "It appeared to be a huge cat of some sort." I think there's a smoother way to work in the fact that the beast resembled a cat. For example, the other sentence could read, "A massive cat-like beast emerged from thin air." Not only does it tighten up the writing, but you seem to be writing this from a third-person omniscient point of view, so it's odd that the narrator would say how something "appeared" rather than how it is. In the sentence "The beast's fur . . .", the "beast's fur" is the subject of the sentence, but I don't think you meant to convey that the beast's fur ran at top speed. You should split that sentence up or otherwise edit accordingly. In the sentence after that, you wrote "It's" but meant to write "Its". Perhaps the sentence should read, "The beast's fur looked like rolling flames and its eyes showed intelligent determination. As the fire-cat ran at top speed, the woman stood calmly on its back, as though she rode not aa raging beast but at a wagon at the harvest festival." That example, of course, is just an idea. Tinker with it as you see fit.

I recognize that my observations are very nit picky, but I think you have a vivid, ambitious story here. If you tighten up the writing, you could have something great here. Best of luck.

Rob
(Aralen Dreams)

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse reduces their effectiveness. Also, when using exclamation marks, only use one. Using more than one is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean with two or three exclamation marks. You don't want that to happen. Other than that, this is a fresh, bold fantasy adventure. Engaging characters. Brilliant action. You have a talent for description and you use it masterfully in this story. Polished narrative with clever undertones. A pulsating plot. A teriffic read. Backed.

Quite a premise. The concept of a mercenary cleric piques the curiosity and you paint a vivid and moving scene.

You are totally fantastic, Ryan! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

TALES OF DRAGO's REALM

Good imagery. Backed.
TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

Hi Ryan,
I had time to read your prologue and opening chapter.
Your writing has real merit and the scene with the 'outsider' riding the giant cat Arkamada, reminded me of the Goddess Durga mounted on her tiger as she attacks demons in Hindu mythology. There's plenty of action and the battle is well done.
Good character development and excellent descriptions, too. I liked this.
Backed.
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS.

hI rYAN,

It wasn't clear to me what the relevance of the hair caught by the wind was in the first paragraph. That threw me a bit.

The two old men are kind of unplaced. i didn't know where we were or what they were doing. Made it feel quite vague.

The girl seems quite important but I didn't know what she looked like, how old she was, what she was wearing or even how high she had to jump. Revealing these things after she's already entered the story doesn't really help.

I don't really know what kind of posture someone has when they go to a festival.

There's a lot of strong descriptive writing but also a lot of vagueness. It was hard to tell who was who or what was going on other than a battle. I think you have a strong sense of what happens but I got a bit lost in the fog of war. some of that may be intentional, but to start a book that waycan soemtimes be more confusing than intriguing,

Some good ideas and plenty of action though. Backed.

It wasn't clear to me what the relevance of the hair caught by the wind was in the first paragraph. That threw me a bit.

The two old men are kind of unplaced. i didn't know where we were or what they were doing. Made it feel quite vague.

The girl seems quite important but I didn't know what she looked like, how old she was, what she was wearing or even how high she had to jump. Revealing these things after she's already entered the story doesn't really help.

I don't really know what kind of posture someone has when they go to a festival.

There's a lot of strong descriptive writing but also a lot of vagueness. It was hard to tell who was who or what was going on other than a battle. I think you have a strong sense of what happens but I got a bit lost in the fog of war. soem of that may be intentional, but to start a book that waycan soemtimes be more confusing than intriguing,

The pace of the first chapter was a bit slow. There was a lot of time spent on establishing her name was Mayrin and although i can see that you're setting up her situation (i.e. she has no idea what is going on) I felt you went a little overboard with it.

Some good ideas and plenty of action though.

Ryan,
You have crafted an imaginative narrative in Tales of Drago's Realm: Legend of the Phoenix Aura. Your heroine is strong and courageous and takes the reader on an enthralling adventure. Backed with pleasure.

Ryan,

I really enjoyed this! I admit I'm normally averse to fantasy pieces, but you've found a great balance between your lore and your action that really makes the story fly.

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Ryan -

Tales of Drago's Realm: Legend of the Phoenix Aura - The woman on the cat-like beast, its fur like a rolling flame. With magic force she wins a battle for The Eternals against the Barons but dies in the process. When her soul lingers, she is brought back to life, as Mayrin. Who is she really? I much enjoyed the imagery.

Backed, Pia, (Course of Mirrors)

I enjoyed reading your prologue. your verb choices really add a lot of impact to your prose. This particular brand of fantasy isn't really my thing, but for those into traditional fantasy, I can see this would really grab their attention from the onset. A fantastic read, nicely polished.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

An exciting and well written adventure. You've got a great way with descriptions, which I feel is a vital part of a fantasy book. I like to almost think it could be real, and you've done that! I really enjoyed what I've read of this, only 3 chapters but I got involved and wanted to read on! I love the name Mayrin too, very unique and memorable!

Missy

Not my genre. But you obviously have a great imagination. Backed. Lisa

Your Prologue sets the tone perfectly for the balance of your book and I like your use of foreshadowing. You have finely crafted a most interesting and intriguing storyline. Your work is charactery rich and your use of imagery is excellent. All of this coupled with your imaginative writing style makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I am so pleased to see a strong intelligent heroine. I like the action. The story runs past me like a film. The scenes are well constructed. Great imagination.
Happy to back
Christina
From Under the Bed

I am so pleased to see a strong intelligent heroine. I like the action. The story runs past me like a film. The scenes are well constructed. Great imagination.
Happy to back
Christina
From Under the Bed

Dear Ryan, I love your heroine & that the fate of the world rests on her shoulders - what a story to have been on both sides - I love the premise. :) Great write. :) Your pitch drew me in & your tight paragraphs & dialogue make for a quick easy read. Hope you write many more books. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I've backed your book - hope you'll back my 2. :) Thanks. :)

This has strong conflict and action. But one thing concerns me... the woman comes across as an all powerful being when she first enters the stage. She conjures up a fiery cat beast, defends herself from arrows, and wipes out the bowmen with fire from heaven. I would have thought the five men with lances whould have been an easier match, right? Am I missing something? Does one of them have special powers or talents?
I'd really like to know. Anyhow, I think this is great and I have already backed it for its dynamic writing.
All the best, Sana x

Kickass action from a strong female lead, and then the story really gets going. This looks as though it is going somewhere, are you going to put any more chapters up? Please?

chapter one: are speaking of Fates or just fates in general? if it is a specific group of beings (like the greek/roman kind) it should be capitalized.

first chapter is detailed and vivid. the battle choreographed splendidly.

me

chapter one: are speaking of Fates or just fates in general? if it is a specific group of beings (like the greek/roman kind) it should be capitalized.

first chapter is detailed and vivid. the battle choreographed splendidly.

me

Ryan: both pitches work for this fantasy genre. I do apologize for the lack of a proper comment but I am leaving for the weekend and it's late here. Let me know if you want a proper comment upon my return and I will read more as soon as I have a chance. For now, enjoy the BACKING. I can use your comment on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Ryan:
I'm no expert on fantasy, but you seem to have crafted an elaborate and imaginative world. the concept in itself is compelling, and though this appeals to those drawn to other-worldly settings, the themes are delightfully universal.
Best of luck with your work.
Peace,
Christian Piatt
PULLING THE GOALIE

An awesome read that stirs the heart and soul.

backed
THE DATE

love it. love it. love it. love the book, the charaters, everything about it is magical. time stood still as i read. it is obvious a muse from heaven descended to earth and spoke through you, reavealing this masterpiece of poetry mixed with prose. i would definately be willing to back tsuch artful art after i have blessed the fabric of my being by reading a bit more. please read some of my humble little book when you have time and let me know what you think. feedback is welcome.


your adoring fan

blueboy

DRAGO’S REALM
This is an imaginative story. You’ve obviously spent a lot of time designing this fantasy world and it shows in the way you’re able to infuse details into your settings and your characters’ actions. The idea of being born again is always an intriguing premise. Makes this a good read. A note to say I like your book; just wrote a comment/backed it. Hope you can find some time to take a look at mine: GRAIN OF SALT. I’m sitting at 3rd place but it's hard to compete with all the vampires and demons lurking on this site. Burgio

Brilliant title and I love the opening, you certainly know how to write a battle scene. Everything is covered, nothing is left out as you describe even the smallest detail. Your descriptions are first rate as it your writing. Truly brilliant and backed.

Sandie
The Crown of Crsyaldor

Dear Ryan
even the title is one that would grab me for sure. then of course the short and long pitch screamed at me so i started. I have not read it all, but so far wow what characters, how does one create like this, they are in my head and wont leave, but i tell you before the end of the day they will have to. vivid and well crafted....I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

This is excellent - polished writing and very imaginative! It's like an adult dragon story! Backed 100%

Liz
The Cheech Room

A classic story, well thought out with good characters.
Very descriptive writing and excellent voice to it.
.....'Worn from their travels'.....chapter 4 ,
I would change to' weary'
I like your style of writing and back your book.SHELVED.

regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest) would be pleased if you would take a look when you have the time.

There is a lot of fantasy on here and this one seems to stand out amongst them. Good luck, you should do very well. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Dragons! Ah, what's not to love? :)
Backed on behalf of Jim Darcy who is on holiday. Please take a look at The Firelord's Crown. Ta! :)

A classic story, well thought out with good characters.
Very decriptive writing and excellent voice to it.
.....'Worn from their travels'.....chapter 4 , I would change to' weary'
Ilike your style of writing and back your book.SHELVED.

regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest) would be pleased if you would take a look when you have the time.