The Fantasy Trip

The Fantasy Trip (Young Adult) - The Prologue: What has fallen or been thrown from the train? What screamed in terror or pain as it whizzed through the air? With just a few paragraphs the author, has created an enormous hook to spike a reader's curiosity. Cleverly, this curiosity is shared by solitary schoolboy Luke, when he sees and hears the small package on its downward trajectory.
Migwort the Wugglemop, whose fantastic appearance is vividly described, conjures up toys that has a prop leg to steady them and only work well when going down a slight incline, is curious too. He wants to see a show, to experience a fantasy trip, and here again the author is very clever. Mugglewops, secure in the reality of their world believe the world Luke inhabits is pure fantasy and, it goes without saying, vice versa. So what is real and what is not? Reality meets reality or fantasy meets fantasy aided and abetted by a sombre, shadowy character, full of menace and magic/smoke and mirrors, known as the Taleteller who is not above earning a little extra on the side if the opportunity to engineer misfortune presents for him to take advantage of.
Summary of four chapters: Original and often humerous story that has been fluidly written with the right tone and voice children, other than young adults, will enjoy. Characters, well-drawn and rounded (no naff pun intended). Dialogue - mainly the Taleteller manipulating his audience, darkly realistic. Settings described well leaving enough room for a reader's imagination to work with the author's. Story line, a mixture of wide-eye innocence that will shortly be wide-eyed for darker reasons. A very good read.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

What fell down the hill, and is that what screamed? I'm with Luke in wanting to investigate. Elsewhere - and it is apparent that Migwort is indeed elsewhere, a place with chutes and driver's slings - he is escaping. Seems young Wugglemops are rather spherical, and for some reason, 'fantasy trips can be very dangerous for children'. And here's another concept to mull, 'millions of tiny barbicules'. The storyteller's voice is amazingly effective, as is his money-grubbing plotting, 'Two fat fees in one evening'. DRAT!!! I just spilt my drink! 'Somebody left their jacket potato in here', gah, I can't stop laughing. Luke thinks it's a toy, as he would ... no, 'it must be a little creature'. Still school beckons, and B13, and 'a sudden foreboding that all would not be well'.

This is full of surprises, and stimulating writing: 'travelled in a cocoon of excitement', 'his voice was cold and caressing at the same time', 'They were all projections and protuberances'. I know it will get darker, but the first few chapters are a mixture of amazement and amusement. There's a wide-eyed innocence to the story that will sit oddly with drug dealing, but I suspect that the contrast will work in ways that more cynical novels can't, and I'm putting my money where my mouth is ... backed.

Possible nits: short pitch - consider this slight rewording: 'Can Luke, with the help of his amazing powers and his friends Dava and Migwort, catch the drug dealers?' Similar thing with the opening of the novel, 'Despite the racket of the train going past on the embankment above him, a terrible, high-pitched scream pierced Luke's cloud of depression...'

Jaye -

The Fantasy Trip - A charming creature, the clever, adventurous junior Wugglemop. Spherically shaped, with a strip round his body like an off-centre equator, covered with tiny barbicules for gaining purchase when rolling uphill. Brought fully into existence with delighful imagination. And there's Luke, in a hurry to get to his new school, finding the lost Migwort and stuffing him in his bag like a toy. Fantastical indeed. A hint of Anderson brought into the conflicts of the twenty-first century.

Backed with pleasure, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Oh, little jacket potato Migwort! What a wonderful book. I imagine this would be enjoyed by all ages - beautifully written, appealing characters and that elusive page-turning quality. Thoroughly backed.
Kami x

At first I thought some illustrations would be nice, but as I read on I realised I don't want anything to interfere with my mind picture of Migwort or any of his kind. You have created a glorious image in my head and I want to keep it.
I adore this story and I would buy it in a flash and probably buy copies for friends as well. Its a wonderful feat of imagination and beautifully written.
This is SPLENDID.

I have read it before but on re-reading can confirm it's one of my favourites. I do think a younger audience would pick up on some of the loose ends that have been left on the way - e.g. Caroline, Luke's parents etc.

Strong start left me asking all sorts of questions and immediately we are into the story. I do have one suggestion here, the beginning sentence seemed too long, perhaps if you broke this up it may read better but that is only my opinion.
There is lots to like, and the pitch grabbed me immediately. We are told just enough in the prologue to get an idea of what is going on i.e new school and chapter one didn't disappoint! Good pace and characterisation (I love the names!Migwort!) This could do very well!

Starred!
Claire
Nab

I'll be back later to read more. This is not my genre, and I am more interested in those books. However, I have you on my list of reading. I appreciate the backing earlier, and wanted to do the same for you! Thanks! ;)

Ellise
The Governess

Very clever so far. Will be back to read more. :)

Have a great day,
Ellise

Ok, I really, really want to see a picture of a Wugglemop now! Migwort is a brilliant character. This first chapter is full of imagination, but it is also described very vividly too. If the prologue had a hook, this chapter has an even bigger one. I'm enjoying the humour!
Backed, and I'll read more soon.

I came across this and your front cover drew me in. I've just read the prologue, and of course I'll read more, but I just wanted to comment on this now.
This is a great beginning. The horrible scream and the strange object will ensure young readers will be desperate to find out more. The prologue sets the scene with Luke starting a new school, as well as beginning the mystery in just a couple of paragraphs.
The only thing I'd mention is the first line seems to be a bit too long and awkward. Maybe you could cut out some words or even split it into two sentences. That's just my opinion though :)

The Fantasy Trip is possibly the most original juvenile novel I've seen here. The mashup of Migwort's quirky world (which I can totally imagine as an ITV plasticene animation series) with the increasingly serious and gritty problems of Luke's world makes this very distinctive. At first I wondered if the tones of the two storylines weren't too far apart, but the darker aspects of Migwort's situation brought them together.
Suggestions - on the whole you handle the explanations well, and given how unfamiliar a creature Migwort is, some explanation is necessary and welcome. In revision, though, I'd suggest you consider carefully how much could be shifted into Luke's discoveries about his new friend, and how much put into the actions of the story, and leave as little as you possibly can in the direct address to readers. Kids don't mind having things explained, but they're also very skilled at putting information together from small clues.
Good work and good luck with this!

Hi Jaye,

I've finally managed to make some time to look at your book. Sorry it took me a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read, since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. They will just be my thoughts after all. + you can ignore me if you think I'm wrong or an idiot. ;)

You asked me to look at chapter 19 and 20, so I'll do as you wish. 1st, though, I'll read your 1st few chapters to get a feel for the story. Hang on...

*tum ti tum tum ti tum*

Done. Thank God that music's stopped. Interesting story. Different time and space. Odd creatures. Magical atmosphere. OK I'll get started.

Chapter 19: V descriptive and visceral intro with Luke coming to.

1 thing I'd suggest. If possible, could you find ways to show more and tell less?

eg "the pain in his head was still atrocious..." is you telling the reader a fact. It's a bit like lecturing. Instead, could you describe how the pain feels to him? That way, the reader would really experience what he does. eg you could use something like "...hammers were still pounding inside his skull..."

Reading on ... He's trapped. what can he do? Will he escape?

1 thing here. If possible, could you find ways to avoid "filtering" words such as saw/thought/felt/heard etc. These sorts of constructions place the character between the reader and the story as we're being told of the character experiencing something. Instead, I think it's more involving to experience things with the character.

eg instead of "...he heard sound of approaching feet..." you could use something like "... came the sounds of approaching feet..."

Reading on... I like the urgent dialogue with Nadeem. It's punchy and sounds real.

I've 1 suggestion, though. where possible, always lead off with dialogue. It reads quicker and easier that way. If you check a few recently published books, I suspect you'll find they operate in such a fashion.

Reading on... I like the arguing. The dialogue's really bringing the scene alive.

Is there any way you could use a few more contractions, though? eg "I don't know where he can have got to." sounds a bit stiff and formal. I think something like "Dunno where he is." would sound more real.

Reading on. Looks like Luke's about to get away. But then... disaster. He's in the tank. And the water's flowing... Doesn't look good for him

Next section and we're in Migwort territory :). The drug dealers are a suprise. Looks like this story's a real meeting of different worlds in many ways.

I've 1 suggestion here. Verbs. I think it's important to pick the best fitting verbs as often as possible. eg I think "Tang smiled superciliously" isn't as clear and vivid as "Tang sneered." Increasingly, I'm convinced a large part of writing comes down to picking the best verbs and nouns.

Reading on... looks like Migwort may be Luke's saviour. Things look grim by the end of the section, though, as hardip seems to be on the wrong side.

Next section... Luke's hurt badly. Can he get out? Willl he drown? I hope Migwort can save him.

He makes a brave and agonising climb, and then it looks like he'll have help at last. Phew.

Chapter 20: Lots of tension here. Luke's obviously been through a lot of tough spots.

tiny nitpick here. I wouldn't use "saturnine" as I think a lot of your audience wouldn't know the word.

This taleteller's creepy. no wonder Migwort doesn't want to go with him.

1 small suggestion. i think the sentence starting with "He ran past Migwort, dropping ti the floor..."is overlong and twisty. could you break it up into 2 sentences? When I'm trying to find awkward sentences, I read through my manuscipt aloud. I always find that a good way to notice any sticky sentences. I think reading through your story aloud might help you in the same way. :)

Reading on ... Boom. down goes the weaving shed. V vivid. Then it looks like Luke's in danger of drowning again. But he survives, just. Phew. Relief. Safe with family. All seems well.

OK I think I've read enough to have a good feel for you writing and story. I think this is an interesting and dramatic tale with a character children will love in Migwort. Your story's certainly action-packed and I think you do a good job of keeping your characters working to defeat obstacles. I'm sure chidren will enjoy this. :)

I've rated this highly, and will try to make space for it on my shelf as soon as possible. :)

Best of luck with your book,

Pete x

Reading on into the story, I find Im unabled to separate fantasy from reality. I love this type of thing--like a puzzle that I have to solve. This story could keep any reader gripped and uncertain.

Hi Jaye, I'm way behind on my reading so I'm sorry I'll have to make this brief.
Prologue: The 'even' before Luke feels weird. Why is it even if I don't know anything about Luke yet? And how does he know the deputy head is super-efficient (that sounds more like a character voice than a narrative - so it sounds like an opinion.
First Chapter: I read it and enjoyed it. I can go on about a few missing commas and the same casual 'presumptive' narrative voice that is a little distracting, like, 'his parents would be mortified' sounds more like i thought. Also, there seemed to be a bit of an info dump on the paragraph of the rolling Wugglemops. I got a little confused then. But, bottom line: I liked the chapter and I'm curious to see what you do with the story, so I guess you got me.
Sellability: Some of the names and terms suggest a very young audience to me, like "Wugglemop", while the content is obviously for an older audience. I can't really think of a single genre to place this, but maybe that'll work for you. Your pitch caught me - but could very much benefit from critique offered on many threads in this forum.

Thanks for the read! Good luck!

Jaye,

I just got down to reading “The Fantasy Trip” and I can’t stop!!!
I love your pitch, everything seems fine with it.
The way you describe Migwort’s escape is gripping and humourous. I like the mentioning of Migwort’s sister’s acute hearing.

I admire the name “Wugglemop”. How did you come up with that? Ingenious! I (as well as Migwort) ‘give a pleasurable shiver’ while reading your book.
(One question though: who’s Cherub? Is it a real Cherub or what?)

Six stars for your ingenuity, Jaye ! ! !

Ivan
The Beholder

Well done, Jaye. Fantasic work. The story bounds along, there are lots of hooks to keep the young reader interested and great characters. Can i suggest you bring the visual description of a wugglemop earlier on. I would also have liked a little more info about Cherub so i could picture him. I've only read the first few chapters, but this does feel like a story for the 9 - 12 year old market rather than YA. If this is the case, the length of your story might be a problem for publishers (although there are always exceptions - look at Harry Potter). If the book does have YA elements to it, be careful that it doesn't fall between the two readerships. I hope this helps!

Your story is on my bookshelf for a long backing.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

The Fantasy Trip.
Of course Luke couldn't resist finding out what had been chucked from the train, especially as its making a sound of surprised pain.
Wugglemops - loved the name and alos that Migwort, despite being in a different time frame, had things around him that are familiar in our. Lots of really good ideas in the three chapters read. Migwort is round and has a prop leg to stop him rolling away or falling down. The sinister Taleteller, entrancing his audience to such an extent they live his words for a short while as he manipulates the spills, thrills and horror of the Fantasy Trip. Real meets real or unreal merges with real, or just that each reality views the other as unreal. If I've got it right, it maybe a bit deep for young adults but this has just the right mixture of humour and darkness they'll love.
Well-written with good pace and a very original character in Migwort.

Nanty - Chrys!

This is not mere a trip. This is a trip of some lives. In this trip we, readers meet some turning points and mile stones. And it excites us. It is significant quality of your novel.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Seagulls
The Wildfire

OK, sorry it took me a bit (life is crazy-busy), but I’m back to give you that comment that got deleted!

Overall, good. Good word choice, good pitch, good plot ideas. However, watch some of your run-on sentences. What I always say is that a paragraph of short sentences with a lot of punch is ALWAYS better than a long, rambling sentence stapled together with a series of commas and “ands.”

For, example, the very first sentence in your prologue is meant to be shocking and grab the reader’s attention. Yet it’s far too long to accomplish this purpose.

“The terrible, high-pitched scream rising above the sound of the train going past on the embankment above him pierced even Luke’s cloud of depression and dragged his gaze upwards.”

First of all, I THINK (I’m no grammar expert) that you’re using a gerund (“rising”) as the subject, which is never a great idea. Second, the first “him” is unclear. Granted, the “him” is clarified as Luke a word or two over, but he reader is putting their trust in the author’s ability to explain things coherently, and this trust needs to be established from the get-go. Also, the “shock-effect” of the sentence loses its potency as the sentence goes on. Finally, a few of the word choices aren’t completely “there,” per se. For example, Luke “drags” his gaze upwards, which seems contradictory to the terrible nature of the scream. The scream is sudden and violent, yet I had the image of Luke lethargically “dragging” his gaze upwards. If I were to hear a terrible scream, my head would jerk up in half a second or less.

Lose all unnecessary adjectives/adverbs. Screams are usually terrible and high-pitched. I would try something more simple, like, “The terrible scream pierced the air. Luke’s head jerked up. The train thundered past, and again, the scream cracked open the air.”

You’re trying to cram too much into one sentence: the scream, the train, Luke, and Luke’s depression. One subject at a time. Scream. Train. Luke. Maybe address Luke’s depression later on.

However, DISCLAIMER: my own personal writing style involves very short, choppy sentences with a few goofy run-ons thrown in for good measure. Your best bet is to alternate sentence lengths and not stick t one or the other.

OK, enough time spent on the first sentence already :). Sorry, I get a little carried away!

I’ll comment a little more later. One last thing, however: I noticed that you have this listed under Young Adult. I’m not sure where you live (someone mentioned that in England YA fiction is 7+), but in America YA is for 13 or 14 on up. I don’t think a teenager will be very interested in magical creatures like Migwort.

But all in all, I think you’ve come up with a VERY creative, excellent story idea that MIDDLE GRADE readers will eat up :)

It looks as if everything has been said about this book and there's not much I can add. It IS well written if a little wordy. I was confused in chap 1 until a fuller description of the little fellow came - I would have liked it earlier. The prologue is redundant, I think. Very imaginative tho'. I would guess older children are not very drawn to Wugglemops (as a word - it's a bit babyish). I look forward to reading the last part.

Wugglemops. Ha! not exactly my age-range (sadly) so I took some time to adjust to the story, and then backtracked. I must say I like the flavour of Migwort's pov, especially in ... erm chapter 4 or 5 I believe. Like a pocket-size gremlin. Also, Lukes introduction to his new school is well handled and filled out. You have good descriptive skills and I found little difficulty making the necessary jumps with the narrative. I don't think the prologue adds anything to the story though, it's a kind of backstory that only jumps back a beat and all is revealed shortly afterwards (just my opinion, mind). Happy to support this when its turn comes around. Stef

Well, I wrote a big long comment but it somehow got deleted, so I'll rewrite it soon!

backed AS PROMISED!!!!

Its obvious why ur books ranked well. If we were to say one comment it would be this; and we know its gonna sound slightly arrogant and also a bit controversial but we try n give honest opinions that can be actioned if the recieving writer sees fit. ok, here it is: lose the prologue. Thats our preference, we feel it doesnt really go anywhere and for some reason writers all over the place think books NEED a prologue. They dont. Migworts and awesome character and getting to him faster draws the reader in. personally we think the book should start at chapter 1. Its obviously good and deserves its ranking. Have 6starred and added to our watchlist. this GUARENTEES u a place on our shelf once we've got through those already queing.

Hi Jaye-

As promised, I'm here to return the comments you were so kind to give me and my book, Misery's Fire. Now, I can't say I'm an expert in the fantasy genre, so won't tinker too much with your storyline, but hopefully I've got some edits and general thoughts which can help you finesse this as you are polishing...

First of all, I love the book cover! Had to get that in - it's very striking. Also, in the first sentence of your long pitch, you've got two periods after "life by accident."

I've got a couple of general notes you might want to consider for a total edit. The first is the use of the word "that" - more often than not, the word is not necessary in a sentence to make it work. (I get caught by this a lot, which is why my eye looks for it when I edit. You're not alone in this, trust me!) Okay, take for example, Chapter one, paragraph 22: "He was almost through, and holding on grimlyh to the next bar, now above him, when he realised (that) something had caught on the tip of the broken rod and (that) he could get no further." Now read the sentence without the "that's" - it works fine without them... I'll point out a few more as I get into detailed edits, but what I would recommend you do is a find/search/edit function for the word "that" - it's your call, but if you find instances where the sentence works without it, I'd delete the word.

The second general thought is the use of had/was/were. This is something I picked up from feedback here, early on with my first book. The use of these words makes your sentence seem passive (rather than active), and often times you can get rid of the word and put a little punch into the sentence by making it more active. Take for example, chapter one, paragraph 27 (also has another example of that here): "Somebody might hear and he would be caught and then the shame of being hauled in front of the Guardians and having it known in the whole neighborhood (that) he (had) tried to break into the Centre." It would work fine reading: "whole neighborhood he tried to break..." Food for thought - it's completely your decision on this.

I found nothing out of place in your prologue, so am going to skip to some notes I jotted down on chapter one:
Ch1, Paragraph 6 - I think there is an extra space after the comma in between "excitement, he fumbled"
P10 and 11 - "bill boards" should be one word (billboards) - you've got this correct in P18
P14 - take out "the" / "that" to read: "...Audobon would watch more carefully to make sure no one..."
P15 - I noticed your start quote has one quote mark ('), the end quote has two ("); same for P17 and a few others. You'll want to stay consistent with whichever format you use.
P19 - Centre should be capitalized (as that's how you refer to it throughout the rest of the story)
P20 - can take out "had/that" in "...socket but he (had) noticed (that) two of the metal bars..." (I'll stop pointing these out now - sorry!)
P24 - you suddenly pop into present tense here - "Wuggle legs are hinged" "tend to swing" "It's rather an ungainly" - just wanted to point that out in case you want to revert back to past tense to match the rest of the copy.
P34, last sentence - you pop into first person with the "Our seats" ... I wonder if you should say "Human seats" or "Normal seats" ... Just a suggestion to make it consistent with the third person delivery you are using.

Okay, you asked me to review chapters 9 and 21 as well:
Chapter 9, P11 - your period needs to go inside the end quote - "...name is or something."
P13 - too many spaces after the period in: "Polly. Who's a pretty..."
P17 - you're missing a word after "Luke" - something like: "those who liked Luke WERE sorry" or "FELT sorry" / also, the comma after "git" needs to go inside the end quote.
P22 - end quote needed after the question mark
P25 - period needs to be inside the end quote
P27 - check spacing between beginning quote and "Well Dhayya"
P33 and 40 - I don't think Office needs to be capitalized, but that's your call.
P34 - Need a question mark (not a period) after "What is it." / also, your quote marks are double here and throughout the next paragraphs (could be a formatting thing here on Auth, if so, just disregard.)
P39 - question mark after Tess in first sentence
P42 - comma needs to go inside the end quote
P46 - need a period (not the comma) after regretflly as you start the next sentence with a capital "You"
P63 - check spacing between "still brandishing"
P66 - lower case on "you" since it continues the sentence
P71 - need a hyphen between "blond headed" (blond-headed)

Chapter 21:
P1 - hyphen in x-rays
P2 - two "hads" in this sentence (many more throughout this chapter). I would suggest the first sentence read more like this: The cut in the Taleteller's head was stitched up. (you can probably come up with something better, but anything to get rid of the double hads.)
P3 - question mark (not a period) after "won't you?"
P7 - period needed at end of paragraph
P8 - check spacing between first and second sentence
P12 - check spacing after first sentence
P13 - period needed at end of sentence
P24 - beginning quote needed at start
P27 - end quote needed
P40 - lower case on "and come safe..." as it continues the sentence
P44 (I'm considering Migwort's whole note P44) - "explane" should be "explain" (unless you misspelled that on purpose)
P51 - hyphen needed in "twenty seven" (twenty-seven)
P61 - "pore" should be "poor" (again, unless you've done that spelling on purpose) / also check spacing after that sentence
P64 - comma needs to go inside end quote
P71, 71 and 77 - you've got a hyphen inconsistency in sea-parsley / sea parsley

Those are all the edits I noted in the sections you asked me to review. I hope you find them helpful. It goes without saying, but take all with a grain of salt - this is your story, so keep true what you believe is correct for the story. I very much enjoyed what I read - thanks so much for sharing!

Kim

This is a delightful adventure for YAs, Jaye, full of rich characters (I always knew Tang would come through in the end!) humour and edge of seat action. If I had any suggestion to help you I’d be tempted to miss out the prologue or put a version of it into chap. 3. Maybe look at the balance between back-story and action so that the YA reader can get into the thick of it quickly. (but that’s only my pov). I might not have a cracked photo of a cricket team nor a clockwork mouse to cherish as memories of you Fantasy Trip but memories of ‘your view of the universe and vision of the world’ will stay with me for some time even though I know ‘such stories are known to be untrue.’ Backed with pleasure,

John

I liked the creature you have created in chapter two, you have used good decriptive language, but I do agree with the comments that sometimes these can be overdone and lengthy. Your tale is so magical and inviting it would be a shame to lose readers because of this.
I think many children would enjoy this and fall in love with the Wugglemops and would really like the name. Kids love magical creatures and unusual names. I am a teacher librarian in a primary school so I get to see what their fads are and they are very good at telling you what they do and don't like about stories.
I'm sure with a bit of cropping this one will appeal to most. Well done. I will be putting it on my watchlist for now and star rating it. Jacoba Dorothy

The Fantasy Trip

I’m no expert on YA novels but I’m enjoying this very much. Adventure starts right with the prologue – railway embankments (surely forbidden territory) hold huge appeal, with fast trains and strange objects flying out the window, and the high clear note of anguish. There a lot here to hook the reader even before we discover Luke’s just about to start at a new school. And we all know what that feels like.
Migwort is a fantastic character (and I like the name) the way he rolls about, and he’s got a prop leg – very handy, I’d imagine. ‘He was wearing his silkiest sock and had arms and legs tucked into their pouches for smoothness of progress but you never knew with Tansy’. Jaye, this is captivating! Oh, they’re Wugglemops – that’s marvellous.:) And now Mugwort trickles to the floor. Is there no end to his ingenious moves?
Typo: ‘bike away from the house for some time. keeping to the …’ Should be a comma there, I think.
The whole scene where he’s riding his bike is terrific, and the fresh lemony smell of the haywrack in bloom, the heavier, sadder scent of the windrue … had a heady effect on him … state of almost reckless bravado. Again – this is wonderful.
I’ve read on, absolutely captivated by this. I love the inventiveness, the understated charm of your adorable characters who seem to me to be very real. The whole idea of your spherical Wugglemops rolling down the hill at a bus stop, the older ones being more pear-shaped – (not just us humans, then?)
Now I’m in danger of gushing, so I’ll try to contain myself.
The Guardians sound like a cross between fond uncle and scary prison guard. Now we discover that Fantasy Trips can be very dangerous … very dangerous indeed. Hmmm.
So Wugglemops can go uphill because they seem to have grown their own Velcro? You couldn’t make it up – but you have! I love that he ‘tried to look like a parcel.’
Oh my. I wish I’d got to this fabulous book sooner. Now I’m here I absolutely love it.
Diana

This is gorgeous fun! One day I hope to buy it and keep it! Right now, yes, I think it is difficult to decide what age it is for. All, I guess, but I would go for the 10-14 slot which one or two publishers have. The classroom anarchy is so junior secondary for both Luke and Migwort, and children do prefer to read about kids just a bit older than themselves. Some publishers dislike age limitations and state just younger or older children.

Sadly drugs are already into primary schools, especially those in problem areas, and children have to be made familiar with the dangers perhaps long before they might otherwise be. This wonderful story, with its mass or ingenious twists and turns, would be one way of underscoring the dangers of a 'fantasy trip', warning them against the urge to 'try it and see'. It might work where serious forbidding fails!

The only hesitation I have is with a slight wordiness in the prologue and right at the beginning of the first chapter. In the latter, as an example, you have two 'thats' in the first sentence which sounded sticky. Could you 'as' for one of them? Might the sentences be shorter, and therefore faster, as you pull your readers in, - especially an world weary agent or editor? If they hesitate at all, they will discard it before they are properly on to the helter-skelter of delight.

My apologies for taking so long to read this. - I will come back to it and read it for pleasure. Margaret

Just wanted to say thanks for backing The End of Juggelby Bungleton! I'm putting you on my watch-list until I get a chance to look more closely. But the synopsis looks good, and original. However, the name Migwort looks a little Harry Potterish and I'm wondering if it would be white noise? But a good story always makes up for stuff like that so, can't wait to get to it. I'll probably read 3 chapters: beginning, middle, end. Blessings!

J. O'Maille
The End of Juggelby Bungleton

You are totally fantastic, Jaye!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm 5 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

The book is a real page turner, I was on chapter 4 before I realized it. The pace of the story is quick, but still allows for effective descriptions. My only comment would be that you need a shorter, catchier pitch. Something that really outlines the relationship between Migwort and Luke. I think the story has a lot of possibility. It will be on my shelf!!

With fantasy, you are visually transported to another world. This book sends the reader on a trail of twists and turns, and great visual descriptions. I suspect it will be one of those ‘neverknowwhattoexpect’ finales. Skillfully hooked in the prologue, I find the story moves forward with a charming assembly of characters. Each gave me a picture of my own, whether decidedly globular or not. The cunning Taleteller is a rollercoaster of a ride and I think I need my sea legs…. It’s a plucky and dramatic script. You have tied in your prologue very nicely with chapter 4. Migwort playing possum and latterly searching around in Luke’s bag reveals a creature of spirit and character. I found your storytelling compelling and very enjoyable. Convincing manifestations of both good and evil make this a must read. Many starred. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs

I really like this book

A fun, imaginative fantasy story, though it feels more like a children's tale than a YA book. Wugglemops seem rather too cutesy to be adolescent fare.

In terms of minor nits, some of the opening sentences were very long and bordering on the unwieldy and might benefit from breaking down into bite sized chunks, or the addition of some more punctuation. All in all, though, a very nice story.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Hi, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you on this... I've been a tad distracted lately!
Love your opening....puts me in mind of E Nesbitt somehow.... I was a little surprised (and curiously sad) to be taken out of Luke's POV and into the world of the Wugglemops....that didn't quite work for me somehow. I felt like I wanted to keep reading from Luke's perspective. It also made the book feel much younger somehow. Felt much happier when you reverted to Luke! But that's just me...
I dunno, this doesn't feel like classic YA to me....more mid-grade (9-12 years). Do wish Autho would have this category. But then, having read your synopsis, it seems as though it's going to get a heck of a lot darker (I've only read the first five chapters so far). Soooo, tricky. I'm not sure hard-bitten teenagers would go for the wugglemops...and yet a publisher would baulk at heavy stuff for a younger audience. Ah heck, I dunno.

I do like your writing a lot.. and would love to see you do well with this. I'm sorry - I'm rubbish at crit these days...so don't have anything really helpful for you. I'm happy to give you my backing - but it might take a while as the books are queuing out the door! Will you remind me if it goes on for TOO many weeks?! Jx

Hi Jane, I couldn't agree more with your comments - I think the two do gel as time goes on , I'm thinking particularly of chapter 9, but you have to keep the faith which might be asking a lot. I also agree that it's definitely for a slightly younger age group but it's not precisely childrens' either. Thanks very much for taking the trouble to look at it anyway and I will camp on your doorstep in a month or so's time! All the best Jaye

Hi, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you on this... I've been a tad distracted lately!
Love your opening....puts me in mind of E Nesbitt somehow.... I was a little surprised (and curiously sad) to be taken out of Luke's POV and into the world of the Wugglemops....that didn't quite work for me somehow. I felt like I wanted to keep reading from Luke's perspective. It also made the book feel much younger somehow. Felt much happier when you reverted to Luke! But that's just me...
I dunno, this doesn't feel like classic YA to me....more mid-grade (9-12 years). Do wish Autho would have this category. But then, having read your synopsis, it seems as though it's going to get a heck of a lot darker (I've only read the first five chapters so far). Soooo, tricky. I'm not sure hard-bitten teenagers would go for the wugglemops...and yet a publisher would baulk at heavy stuff for a younger audience. Ah heck, I dunno.

I do like your writing a lot.. and would love to see you do well with this. I'm sorry - I'm rubbish at crit these days...so don't have anything really helpful for you. I'm happy to give you my backing - but it might take a while as the books are queuing out the door! Will you remind me if it goes on for TOO many weeks?! Jx

A book where imagination takes over.Migwort can conjure up all kinds of visions.A book where the readers mind can form its own pictures.
As yet not managed to read the whole book but when fantasy and reality collide,the characters can take on new forms,and a recipe for compelling reading.Looking forward to it.

The Fantasy Trip (Young Adult) - The Prologue: What has fallen or been thrown from the train? What screamed in terror or pain as it whizzed through the air? With just a few paragraphs the author, has created an enormous hook to spike a reader's curiosity. Cleverly, this curiosity is shared by solitary schoolboy Luke, when he sees and hears the small package on its downward trajectory.
Migwort the Wugglemop, whose fantastic appearance is vividly described, conjures up toys that has a prop leg to steady them and only work well when going down a slight incline, is curious too. He wants to see a show, to experience a fantasy trip, and here again the author is very clever. Mugglewops, secure in the reality of their world believe the world Luke inhabits is pure fantasy and, it goes without saying, vice versa. So what is real and what is not? Reality meets reality or fantasy meets fantasy aided and abetted by a sombre, shadowy character, full of menace and magic/smoke and mirrors, known as the Taleteller who is not above earning a little extra on the side if the opportunity to engineer misfortune presents for him to take advantage of.
Summary of four chapters: Original and often humerous story that has been fluidly written with the right tone and voice children, other than young adults, will enjoy. Characters, well-drawn and rounded (no naff pun intended). Dialogue - mainly the Taleteller manipulating his audience, darkly realistic. Settings described well leaving enough room for a reader's imagination to work with the author's. Story line, a mixture of wide-eye innocence that will shortly be wide-eyed for darker reasons. A very good read.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Jaye

Lovely story and generally well told but I think you could do with splitting your sentences up a little more. You have a tendency, I believe (so take this with a pinch...best make that a sack...of salt), to drag a sentence on when shortening it into two or more would make the story flow better. Try reading it out loud to someone and see if they think the same. You also use the word "embankment" 3 times in the first para...try slope etc?

Now for the good stuff...the story, because without a good story it doesn't matter what the grammar is like. You have a good one and it flows well. Your characters are believable, but more importantly, likeable(though I only read chapters one, five and eight, so I could be wrong? LOL).

So what now?

You've easily earned a place on the shelf, and a star rating(no I won't tell you how many). But I would encourage you to do a quick edit on the first three chapters, at least, then see if the authonomites like it more...or less?

Remember that the above is the view of a unpublished author, and that if I had the answers I probably wouldn't be here.

DJ-The Lost Cactus

You have a very clever idea, interesting voice and great way with words. My biggest nitpik is #2 below, as at times it was hard to read because of the multiple ideas in your sentences. I will come back and read this again if you polish it, because I definitely think it has a lot of potential, but I don't feel like it's quite back-worthy yet. I am a picky girl!

suggestions:

1. the first sentence uses the word that twice, remove one.

2. this is a run-on sentence, break it up: "the silence reassured him..." in fact, the next sentence after that is a run on too, I see this as a re-occuring issue -- you might want to take a look at the HC review of my other book, the editor points out several run ons there too and other grammar issues, I think we have the same kinds of problems.

I seem to be having trouble getting on to chapter one, i have the prologue chapter one is already in black but then it skips to chapter 2 and i can't really pick up the thread. HELP!!!!
Pobs x

I really like the world you have created here. The Wugglemops are very different from the creatures we know and yet they have great charm.

Maybe with a bit of restructuring you could dispense with the prologue altogether. It's a bit short anyway and Chapter 1 takes the reader away from Luke just as you are beginning to get to know him. It might work better if you merge the prologue with chapter 4 and stay with Luke for longer. You could then present all the Wugglemop description through Luke's eyes, then have Migwort telling Luke about his adventure so we see this from his own POV.

I think you've created a truly unique fantasy here. Very enjoyable.

Hi Jaye,

One gain thanks for rating Dying For Your Love. I have also rated your book 'Fntasy Trip' and backed it with a place on my bookshelf. I have just started reading, but the good news is I am still reading it, whihc means it has captured me within the pages. Well done!

By the way just a quick question. You mentioned that the time lapses are a bit off with the book. What I did was have him recall these events when he is lying in bed with his wife during the storm. In your opinion does this not work?

Thanks again.

Michael

Hi Jaye

Very proficient writing. I like the way you do not describe the world of the Wugglemops upfront, but just let us glean it from the action, and the names of the creatures and descriptions show a lovely sensitivity to the natural world. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Jaye

I found this enchanting, and with so much attention to the little details which make it easy for the reader to imagine Migwort and his folk. He's full of mischief too, so I reckon kids will love this. Backed...goodluck

Babs

Mrs Jones

I jumped in to 8 blind. Took notes as I read. Here they are:

Felt sucked through a tunnel into another world. Paused in the shop and consider wholemeal loaf and thought what I'd eat it with.

Got up and made a slice of toast and came back and stopped again at the beard. Felt at home in this shop.

Paused again at Migwort and realized there was still a lot I didn't know about this story.

About now I pictured my younger students as the audience, early teens. Figured you were talking to them.

It was homey and peaceful--so the tension shure shot up with the Paki kid and the one looking for him.

Since it passed easily, I assume this is only to introduce the trouble to come.

It seems we've arrived at a place of shelter during a perilous journey.

I could see my students eating this up.

oh wow! I missed this somehow, I'm sorry! I really like it! The style is charming, the language complex enough to be challenging and simple enough to be clear. I would have really loved this as a kid. (and secretly as an adult!) Thank you for bringing it back to my attention.

Excellent, a bit of a guilty pleasure. Brings me back to being a young teenager and excaping into fantasy

The writing really takes you there - well, I was there. I was Migwort and I loved every sentence.
Wonderful names and I can see a film of this. Come on Blockbuster movie makers - read this.
Backed and waiting for the book and the film
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

I Soldatos wrote i day ago,

Sorry I didn't leave a comment, but I couldn't think of anything meaningful or useful to say. It's a marvellous book, that I think I would have devoured in my early teens. :-)

Irene

nice story and beginning, Backed. Chipper

Great cover page. A very descriptive pitch and Migwort is just wonderful .
Has been backed with pleasure.

Dawn
Sammy and the Wise Willow

Great pitch. Half the time I can tell whether or not I'll like a story from that. But your story matched your pitch. Great stuff! I like the names, especially Migwort. I try to come up with great names for my fantasy novels. Hopefully you'll enjoy Twin Fates.
Thanks for accepting my invite to swap reads. Good luck with your novel.
~Richard
Twin Fates