The Rebel

"The Rebel" has certainly got an interesting premise, and in reading the first chapter, I can see that there is a lot of potential for this story to work. The idea of a high school boy having a destiny in another, otherworldly realm is a great one, and the way you have set things up here, with people from that other dimension masquerading (I assume, masquerading) as students in order to protect or harm him, makes it all the more interesting.

That said, for this story to go somewhere (meaning "get published"), it needs a complete, full-scale revision. Many of the comments I've read so far have said pretty much the same thing, and they're right, but here is a big positive: You have a story that you wrote when you were younger that has a premise and plot that warrant you taking the time to do such a revision. This could be very good, but you need to polish it.

Here are some ideas for you that could make this a really strong read:

1) GET INTO THE MINDS OF YOUR CHARACTERS. You've very much got an action book here, and you do the action pretty well. If I saw this as a movie, I would probably enjoy how everything appears on screen. However, the reader gets very little in way of character development, and for an action story (or any story) to work, character development is key. Thus, give us some indications of what characters are thinking or feeling. This could either be through expressing their internal thoughts or through giving more physical clues (facial gestures, bodily functions) to show what they're feeling. For instance, when Susan Connor is in her cell waiting for someone to come in, is she nervously holding the dagger? Are her palms sweating? Is she thinking that this might be the first time she has to kill a man? Is her stomach tight, her mouth dry, her lip trembling? Readers need this to really feel for the character and to get into the story. (NOTE: The one character that truly deserves this is Tom Graham because he is the central character, and so far we've gotten most of the story pretty much from his perspective.)

2) AIM FOR BELIEVABILITY. I won't go into this much since others have mentioned it, but make sure characters act in a way that is believable. The rather upbeat reactions to being struck by lightning, seeing a wormhole, and seeing symbols on a boy's hands are not believable. What would Tom Graham/Eric/the nurse really do? Even if it takes longer to get to the action if you write believable reactions, it will be more rewarding to the reader.

3) SWITCH UP SENTENCE STRUCTURE. You tend to follow a "Subject-Verb-Direct Object" pattern consistently throughout, and this gets fairly boring. Take for example the three sentences "The giant motioned with his hand. Susan stood firm. The giant got angry." What if instead you had written "The giant motioned with his meaty hand, but Susan didn't move at all. Scowling, he slammed his hand against the cell bars, making them shake." (Okay, that's not much better, but it's a little better.)

4) TAKE OUT THE CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS AT THE BEGINNING. The reader will learn who everybody is as he or she reads, so this is unnecessary. It also robs a reader of one of the joys of reading: discovering who the characters are through reading the story.

I'd be really interested in reading the prologue/first chapter again after you've done a thoughtful revision. Please let me know, and I will.

Daniel Rider
"Indian Summer"

{The Rebel} – Chipper Newman

From the pitch this sounded like a great story, and it caught my interest – would have no doubt clicked into ‘read the book’ even if we didn’t have a swap! The last line particularly grabbed me; If Doom is Possible, Victory can’t be Certain.

Great prologue to establish the scene, and I like the contrast between the setting of the prologue and the modern world of chapter one. The transition occurring again in chapter 2 is perfect for maintaining interest, and I like the multiple threads you have going. One thing in chapter 2, it would perhaps be helpful to have a little more reaction/character development done in the dialogue/through the dialogue tags (I found myself wanting to know more about the tone of Rachel’s remarks/when she speaks… also when jack speaks… etc – and when Rachel ‘was taken aback’, what was her expression?)

Terrific sci-fi infusions (loved the wormhole in chapter 3 :D)

Nice tension between characters in chapter 3 and the threads beginning to weave together. Careful at times of the longer paragraphs, which I think should perhaps be broken up more – especially when there’s dialogue involved, and different characters are speaking (this happens quite a bit in chapter 3- however other times you don’t do it, so obviously pretty easy to edit!)

Main suggestion besides this would be to watch out for the passive voice ‘was’ – simple rewording of sentences can eliminate this, and create a more active and engaging scene, where the reader identifies with the characters more as well. A few examples I’ve picked out to demonstrate (from the prologue):
1) ‘The door to her cell opened, revealing a stout and heavy man, almost seven feet tall.’ (removes ‘the man was stout’ and also merges sentences for more flow)
2) ‘The girl struggled fruitlessly as the giant flung her over his shoulder’ → removes ‘was useless’
3) ‘As Ted prepared to strike, he turned…

I hope these thoughts are useful for you!! All the best, this shows promise and I think with a little editing will do well. I hope to read more soon after clearing up a few more reading debts :)
Thanks so much for you enthusiasm with ‘Dawn of Destruction’, it means so much to me!
Cara

Chipper -- what can I say? This is a great premise and parts of what you've written are well-written, which is why I'm struggling with this critique. You can read the other comments yourself. They're all true. Pretty much any critique I would give would be ploughing the same soil. In its present state, The Rebel is not publishable, in my opinion. However, it has great potential. Trust me when I say that most books, when first written, require revision. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I hope you will take the critique offered in the spirit in which it is given. Improve your book. Submit to critique group afterward and improve it some more. Writing is talent-based skill. Good, better, best ... never let it rest.

Good luck! Drop me a line when you've done some revisions and I'll take a second look.

Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

Chipper,
What a premise, getting your protagonist Tom through a wormhole connecting two different worlds so that he can act out his dual identities, one as a rebel fighting against a king, another as a normal schoolboy infatuated with a classmate. Your casual language and lively dialogue make it easy to follow your story moving at a brisk pace leading ultimately to wedding vows by Tom and Susan. A perfect wrap-up to a rollicking good read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Chipper,
I have read your long pitch, most of Chapter 1 and a few of the comments. Most of my opinions have been said before. Could I respectfully suggest you address these issues rather than simply ignore them. In its present form your book simply isn't publishable, which is a great shame because the story is worthy of the telling.

I've taken a look at the beginning of your novel and can see how it could be interesting to a young adult reader. I do agree with some other comments on here that there are some typo's and punctuation issues.
Also you might want to edit and make the sentences flow a little better instead of having short almost bullet style statements. You mentioned in your profile you wrote it as a teenager so I'm sure as a college student your writing style has changed and matured.
I hope this helps.
Best of luck;
Elke
'Ella In Between'

Hi, I've read a bit of your book, enough to get a sense of your writing style. I think you need to pay more attention to punctuation - why do you use two apostrophes instead of speech marks? And the word "giant" is repeated a lot of times. That's essentially redundant, since anyone who's 7 foot tall is by definition a giant. Some of the description is more "telling" than "showing." In fact, there's gaps in the description - like this big dude, all we know is that he's "stout" and "heavy", we don't know his age or anything else. Is an ugly fellow? In fiction, people that size often are. These are just some pointers. I hope you'll find my advice helpful.

Look forward to your review of "Tamria."

James
"Tamria"

***

“striking features that would behold any man” – “behold”? Think you might have the wrong word here. “striking features that would captivate any man” or "bedazzle any man" – they're more suitable words

“shinning blue eyes” – “shining.” Not “shinning”

“flawed her beautiful face” – how about “marred” instead of “flawed”?

“hidden, sharp dagger” -change the order of those words around. “she held a sharp, hidden dagger”

“stout and heavy and almost seven feet tall” – the word “stout” is usually applied to someone who is short and heavy, not someone who is massively tall and heavy. “The man was close to seven feet tall, and not slightly built at that.”

“‘’Come on girl,’’ said the man.” – Why are you using two apostrophes here? Use speech marks. And he is addressing the girl so that sentence needs a comma. “Come on, girl,” said the man.

“Susan stood firm on the spot” – you can lose “on the spot,” it’s redundant. Just “Susan stood firm.”

“The giant grew angry” – you can show more than tell here. “The giant’s face darkened with anger.”

“‘’I don’t’ have time for this.’ The giant took a few steps forward. ” – Don’t repeat “the giant,” we know who’s talking. Just “he” or “the man.” “‘I don’t have time for this.’ The man took a few steps forward.”

“summoned all the hatred and rage that she could muster” – I’d change the order of those two words. “rage and hatred.” And lose the “that.” “summoned all the rage and hatred she could muster.”

“ ‘’Screw you!’ she yelled angrily” – lose the adverb, it’s not needed. It’s implied in the verb. One only yells when one is angry. “’Screw you!’ she yelled.”

“Susan yelled” – “yelled” again. Different verb. “shouted”

There’s a lot of repetition of “giant” here. If this man is a muscle-for-hire, why not “goon” or something else?

Hi Chipper,

I've just written a lengthy review of this, based on your first chapter, and then deleted the lot. The reason? I didn't want to totally tear your work to pieces and the more I wrote the more I gave the impression that that was what I was doing.
So, in brief, well done for being imaginative, having the drive to be a writer, and for having the vision to attempt what seems to be quite a complex and involved novel.
As for critical feedback, which I hope you take as constructive, you need to either edit this or have it edited as there are quite a few typos which detract from the reading of the story. You also need to ask if some of what you write is really believable and comes across as a) making sense and b) authentic with regards to normal behaviour. As an example you have a character struck by lightening, which he barely notices, his friend tells him in quite a matter of fact way, he goes and tells the school nurse who for a start believes him without question and then simply accepts the marks on his hands and offers to have someone look them up. It doesn't really work. There are also places where a bit of explanation wouldn't go amiss. If your character is a rebel and the king is evil why does he want to protect the throne? Are the sinister people more evil than the evil king? And is the evil king the father of the princess or is that another king? You might have explained that so sorry if I missed it but it wasn't clear from your cast list. As for the princess I'm afraid I didn't buy into her "screw you" character and was also thrown by her hidden dagger, I wanted to know where it came from. It's possible to over explain but you also need to give the reader enough to make them believe in what you are writing, and not just rely on them accepting things.
If there's one piece of advice I can give you it is join a critique group if you haven't done so already. The feedback will then hopefully be honest, fair, and useful as opposed to the "wow this is awesome now please give me a shelf space" variety.
Obviously all I have put is just my opinion. Disagree if you wish, I'm no expert myself, but I hope you take this in the manner in which it is intended and that is to be honest and hopefully helpful in some way.
With some hard work I'm sure you can polish this into something deserving of many a wow comment, and I wish you all the best with moving toward that goal.
James

Cast of characters at the beginning looked like the start of a 30's Universal horror Film....which this reader loved straight from the outset...very unique intro to a book. (Inpersonal critique)..
And then...
it went uphill from there...well done writer...you had me reading but could only read the first 2 chapters..due to return read commitments..
Read, marked, starred and rated accordingly...highly.
David

Your book is filled with great realistic characters who speak in a very believable fashion. You obviously have a gift for characterization and dialogue. All in all I find The Rebel to a very enjoyable and impressive book.

Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

Hey,
Good book, well written, will be reading more later on :)
EllenMichelle :)
'A Model's Summer'

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

I like how the story develops in chaper 4. You have increased the intrigue and the emotional backstory. You are a natural with dialogue. I'm returning for more tomorrow :)
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

The Rebel is a unique tale filled with elements that will appeal to fantasy readers. It’s great that author Chipper Newman is able to bring in so many parts like time travel, magic and talking animals, and still keep everything balanced.

The dialog is the strongest element of the story, and it’s not often that fantasy novels are like that. The back and forth of the kids is highly believable, and in fact, every character talks with authority based on their age and station. Newman seems to be a real master at painting the story using dialog, only occasionally having to fall back onto narration. This style helps to keep the story moving along and compliments the character-heavy plot.

In terms of the story, it’s sufficiently grand to be considered epic fantasy, yet it’s nice that it’s told from the view of the characters involved instead of trying to show the story from a god-like perch and then fitting the main characters into it.

In terms of critiques, I liked how the characters were introduced up front since there are so many of them, but I wonder if that could be moved to a preface. The first chapter of any fantasy novel should be something grand and huge, something that people have not seen before. With a tale like this the author is asking readers to invest a lot of their time, and they have to know up-front if it’s going to be worth it. Having them memorize a list of characters before they are committed to the tale is not a winning strategy. Instead, consider moving one of the fighting scenes from later in the book or some dramatic world-changing moment forward as a flashback to hook them into the novel. Or make up a new scene of something amazing happening in the background before you throw it over to the kids talking in school. If you have not grabbed readers in the first two pages, you may not grab them at all. Let your talent shine right up front and prove to readers that you are worthy of their time.

The Rebel is a great start at what will likely be a unique and well-loved series of tales that I’m very much looking forward to following once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Hi Chipper, I finished ch 3 and will keep going, but my initial thoughts are that you've good dialogue and the plot is moves well as the story unfolds. Your writing flows, but I stumbled on the start, trying to memorize who's who. I felt better when I noticed the comments that I wasn't the only one. But that's something easily fixable. I like the story and I'll be back to read on tomorrow :)
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Hi Chipper,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth (and feel free to ignore whatever you disagree with).
Your short pitch is broken up into paragraphs that probably would probably fit better if some of those widowed paragraphs were connected, as the thoughts are connected. The widowed paragraph, presumably to add drama, is a bit overdone here I think.
Otherwise, the premise is excellent.
Chapter One
“Eighteen year old” should be “Eighteen-year-old” as it precedes what it modifies.
Don’t underestimate the significance of an opening line hook. Frankly, this one is weak.
Rather than backing into the story with this formulaic introduction of the MC, you might consider blending it into the story and spacing these details out for a more impactful development of the character. I have to read to the third paragraph to know anything about what’s going on. You risk losing the reader by that point.
Strong dialogue. I might suggest amping up the imagery, especially as it connects to the dialogue. Remember, communication between characters is in more than simply words. Gestures, expressions and reactions are vital to building a scene and dialogue.
Great, great premise and a solid foundation to go off of. Good pacing, too. My biggest suggestion is to ditch the formulaic approach, where you describe characters separate from the happenings of the story. Effective characterization occurs when these details are interwoven into the story.
Good start and an intriguing story. Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Chipper

I've started reading The Rebel but immediately had a problem with the first paragraph of chapter 1. If Tom has lined himself up against the evil king and discovered a plot against that same person, isn't the enemy of my enemy my friend? Not in this case, it seems. I can see that this might be the device by which you seek to make the story interesting, but being the opening words of your novel, you might want to clarify this point.

That said, the concept of the book definately has merit.

Good luck

Ronald J Barber

I like your premise and your characters. You've got something there to work on.

I have to admit that I was distracted from the story by the grammar and punctuation, which needs some work.

I would ditch the 'cast of characters' at the start - I've seen this used for plays, but never in a novel. A writer should be able to introduce characters effectively during the story, without disrupting the flow of the plot.

I'd like to offer some pointers for your pitch. Take them or leave them!


“What if the person you loved is your enemy? What if trusting a person turned out to be the worst mistake of your life?”
This is grabbing. I just have one niggle. I would replace the ‘is’ in the first line with subjunctive ‘were’.


“Tom Graham meets a beautiful classmate named Susan Connor. He soon finds out that she is an exiled princess from another world.”
Good! I’m hooked! I'm a sucker for princesses from other worlds, although I don't come across many.


“The secret is so powerful that could could change the turn or tide of the war. Susan is the elder daugther of King Jefferson, the rebel's enemy.

Tom becomes the leader of a gang of rebels, who fight against the King.”

Okay, there are few issues here. There are a few simple typos: ‘could could’ instead of ‘it could’ and daughter misspelled. Both easily fixed, of course.
‘Change the turn or tide of the war.’ The idiom you’re looking for is ‘turn the tide’.
Drop ‘the rebel’s enemy’. It’s a pleonasm, as the following sentence already tells us the same thing in a more relevant fashion.

“They include a young vampire named Alex Craven who wants to kill the King because he murdered her family, Cedric Detriver a young wizard who left his fiancee to fight in the war and a Red Fox named Salcour whose bravery makes up for his small size.”
I would rewrite this as so:
‘The rebels include a young vampire named Alex Craven, who wants to kill the King because he murder her family; Cedric Detriver, a young wizard who left his fiancée to fight in the war; and Salcour, a Red Fox whose bravery makes up for his small size.”
Is Salcour actually a fox? You might want to explain what you mean when you refer to him being a ‘Red Fox’.

“Written in the vein of high fanasty novels like Eragon and The Lord of Rings, this fanasty is about time-travel, an alien human race of another world and the fight to keep to keep an race of a enslaved people alive with the help of an mysterious army called The Rebels who are led by a 15 year old teenager from our world, leading them possible victory or certian doom.”
Again, there are quite a few issues in this paragraph.
You’ve misspelled ‘fantasy’ and ‘certain’.
‘The Lord of Rings’ needs another ‘the’.
‘An alien human race of another world’ is clumsy and contains a pleonasm; people from another world must be alien. I would rephrase this to ‘the troubled civilisation of another world’.
You’ve repeated ‘to keep’.
‘To keep an race of a enslaved people alive’ should read ‘To keep a race of enslaved people alive’, but I would just write ‘To save an enslaved race.’
‘The’ in ‘The Rebels’ shouldn’t be capitalised when it’s mid-sentence as it’s a minor word.
I would include a comma after ‘Rebels’ or start a new sentence, as the sentence is rather wordy.
’15 year old’ is a compound adjective, and should be linked up with hyphens, i.e. ‘fifteen-year-old’.
Further pleonasm: ‘…led by a 15 year old teenager from our world, leading them possible victory or certian doom.” If they’re led my him, he must be leading them.
You’re missing a ‘to’ before ‘possible’.
If doom is certain, victory cannot be possible.

I hope that you find this helpful and not condescending. I strive to be honest and any criticism or advice that I give is designed to help others improve their work.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye.

Hey Chipper,

You've got a really interesting premise here. The short pitch really piqued my interest initially, and the long pitch even more so. I like how the first chapter is about perfectly normal people, but will unfold into being about kings and vampires.

I'd work on your pacing a little bit, though. The beginning was so fast (Tom meeting Susan) that I thought I missed something. Maybe you could have a little bit of build up? A little bit of description goes a long way, and I only bring that up because this story seems to be primarily dialogue.

Also, you use the word "syomblem" a few times - do you mean symbol?

Good premise, and you have nice, likable characters. Good luck with your story!

Liz

Hey Chipper,

Since it’s been a long time since I read your book, I took a look at the comments I wrote awhile back and then decided to start reading your book from the very beginning again. Worm holes, portal mirrors and secret conspiracies are all things that make a great story. And you have a created a great cast of characters and a fast-paced diabolical plot that turns out for the good.

I am so impressed that you have completed your book. That shows a lot of commitment and care and that you are not afraid to work hard.

I read through chapter three and then jumped forward and took a look at some of your later chapters. I got the feeling that your writing gets stronger with every chapter. I think you would serve your book well to make sure your early chapters match the strength of your later chapter. If I were you, I’d take the time to do the dirty work of sanding, smoothing and painting to make those first few chapters a work of art.

Take your time with this and think of the how you envision your characters, their motives and their history and how you want your reader to see them. Add those pieces like you’d add touches of color to a painting. They will round out the beginning of your story and add interest. You may add those interesting details to the narrative as well as to the dialogue. Show the reader what the characters are seeing, doing , and thinking according to the plot and what is going on in the scene. Finally, perfect the grammar and smooth out your sentences to ensure you produce an easy to read free-flowing story. You may even want to have a former teacher or friend help you with this part of the writing.

I hope this helps. I will go back and start reading from chapter four. What I read in the middle part of your book impressed and intrigued me. I’ll comment soon on that. God bless!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

I read the first chapter and then read the comments. I think you should follow Joshua Jacobs and AG's advice, since I found myself seeing the same things too. You have a good cast of characters though that are relatable and easy to see.
One thing I noticed was that we don't get to be in Tom's head. Considering his home life, knowing famous people and being handsome, I thought he'd have more confidence when talking to Susan. He even seemed a bit socially awkward. I'm not sure if it was intentional?
When I mention being in Tom's head I mean his thought process. Like when he gets struck my lightning. We're just told that he goes to the school nurse and they discover the symbol. If I had gotten struck my lightning I'd have a lot of things running through my head, you know? lol. "Omg, maybe I have super powers now, I wonder if I could fly? Or maybe I'll have spider abilities, wait...I didn't see a spider anywhere.. Well I feel pretty normal. Oh maybe I already have super powers and they just got awakened!"
See! Lots of things. Not saying Tom will think like that, but put yourself in his shoes and make us believe what he's thinking :)

-Courtney
The Echoes

THE REBEL
I was surprised to see a cast of characters listed for a book, but after seeing it, I realized it was helpful and maybe all books should have them. Tom is a good main character; he’s likable and sympathetic because he’s fallen head over heels in love. I think you’ll find an audience for this among the high school crowd because they’ll relate so well to the school scenes. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Very well written and interesting sort of idea.
You have a good writing technique.
Your pitch is drawing to the readers.
The cover could be different, I don't think it suits your story very well.
Otherwise an excellent job done here for your story.
keep up the good work.

Bria Heart <3

Hello, Chipper. Just stopped by to look at your first two chapters. The element of mystery plays a role in your second chapter. Your reader is left wondering about the mysterious mark on your MC's hand, and the roles and motivations of these other characters, who obviously possess magical powers. A suggestion: I would eliminate the first chapter and let the characters' roles and identities be revealed throughout your story. Good luck with your work and thank you for your support!

Jonie - Leave Me Asking

Hey Chipper,

I’m so sorry that it’s taken me so much longer to get to this than I said it would. I hope you will forgive me *attempts to flutter eyelashes, then remembers robins don’t have eyelashes*

Anyway, let’s hope it’s a case of better late than never, and on to the story.

Chapter 1. Not sure what the purpose of this is, to be honest. The brief summary at the beginning is covered by your short and long pitches. And the cast of characters … well, maybe this is just a personal thing, but when books have character lists at the beginning I always skip over them and move on to the real story. If it was a very large and complicated cast then I could understand it, but you only have six people in the list and so I feel as though it would be better to get to know them by reading the book. In a way, this is the ultimate example of ‘telling’ rather than ‘showing’, because you’re telling me what the characters are like before the action even starts. Or … hold on a minute, is this even meant to be part of the book at all? Because you’re letting me know that Tom and Susan end up married, and surely I don’t want to know that until I’ve read the book. Hmm. I’d take all this out if I were you.

Chapter 2. Right. Here’s where the story really begins. But I’d make the same kind of point with the first few paragraphs here, in fact. They’re a summary of all kinds of facts about Tom, like a big info-dump at the beginning of the book when I really want to learn those things gradually through what he says and does. If I were you (which I appreciate I’m not) I’d start with a bit of banter between Tom and Eric that shows off their different characters and what a normal day is like for them, before coming in with Tom noticing Susan for the first time.

Later in the chapter, I got a little confused with the sudden switches of POV and the time passing so quickly – almost like a summary of what’s happening. I really want to see these scenes vividly – there’s a lot going on, romance and treachery and all sorts – but there’s not enough detail to make them come alive. It feels like you’re rushing through to get to the next event. Slow down a little and concentrate on making everything real to your reader.

The bit where Tom gets struck by lightning is a good example of this. The reactions of Tom and Eric just didn’t feel real – I’d imagine much more shock, fear, disbelief, etc. And this is a perfect opportunity to describe what it feels like to get struck by lightning, whether it’s normal lightning or not (which I suspect it isn’t seeing as it goes around leaving eagle marks on people’s hands ;-).

OK, so by the end of Chapter 2 I was feeling (1) overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff that had happened and (2) not really as though I’d experienced it alongside the characters. I think both those problems could be solved by more description, more sensory detail and being in less of a hurry. I’m not suggesting you stick in a load of poetic descriptions or anything, but if you really concentrate on what it would be like for your characters to experience each event then it will help your readers get inside their heads, which in turn will make them want to read on.

I really hope that's helpful but let me know if you want to chat about anything. I think there's loads of potential here but you just need to work on some of your writing techniques before it's ready for taking further.

Dear Chipper,

‘Rebel’ has a very interesting premise. All of us, regardless of our age are escapists. Some of us admit it, while others don’t. The young and energetic characters and the intriguing otherworldly storyline are bound to catch the fancy of youngsters, your intended readers.

I take this opportunity to offer a little bit of constructive criticism so as to help ‘Rebel’ reach its full potential. But first off, I must tell you that I’m a first time novelist and an expert by no means. So, please take my suggestions with a pinch of salt. :-)

Do not rush. Once you’ve already written it down, you need to devote a lot of time to reviewing the text, adding more words in places to make the narrative comprehensible and deleting the unnecessary ones to ease the pace. Check for typos and repetitions as well, e.g. ‘make sure he doesn’t run into Rachel’ occurs twice consecutively. There are instances of over-writing, e.g. ‘He lived in an expensive apartment. Tom came from a wealthy family.’ You need to correct this. I can assure you that your target age-group does not need this level of explanation. Sentence construction is another area which needs some work. With your permission and with all due regards to the fantastic story, I would like to rewrite the first paragraph in my own way, e.g.

‘Eighteen year old Tom Graham lived in an expensive apartment on Ptritchett Street in downtown New York. His father was the CEO of William Morris Talent Agency and his beautiful mother was a famous actress. House parties were commonplace and celebrities were family friends. While other kids his age would give an arm or a leg to get autographs or backstage passes, they were really no big deal for Tom. Money, fame and good looks, he had them all. Naturally the other kids treated him differently. The guys were envious while the girls simply adored him.’

As you can see, I have basically used almost the same words as you did and also the same number (96 as against your 94 words) to essentially convey the same message, but in a slightly different manner. As budding writers, we must always ensure the enjoyment of our readers to the best of our abilities. So that’s it for now. I hope that you found my critique relevant and useful.

5 BIG stars for the fabulous storyline !

Warm regards,
AGC

Chipper,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to your book. I’m glad I finally made it though.
At a quick glance, it looks like your pitch needs a little patch :-0 Check out the sentence that starts “But Susan carries a dark secret…” And the middle paragraph, “Tom becomes a leader…“ it’s one really long sentence. Maybe split that up to make it more understandable.

I see that your book is for young adults or children. I’m wondering, do you have a definite age group you are trying to write for? And also, I see that you have been writing since you were ten, very impressive. This is pretty personal, but I’m wondering how old you are. If you are young, I think you should mention that in your profile. It really makes a difference on how readers will approach a review of your book.

At any rate, I love the premise of your story. It is wonderful. Fantasy is big with kids these days and everyone enjoys a bit of romance and a good rousing fit of violence. Your characters are interesting and you jump right into the action of the story. This is all very good!

However, I get the impression that you are on the learning end in the spectrum of your writing career. You have been given a lot of excellent suggestions, so I would take them to heart. Following those suggestions will help make your really good story even better.

I would suggest you work on the flow of your sentences. Read your story out loud and imagine your audience. Is your book for eight or nine year olds? Then keep the sentences short and understandable. If it’s for middle-schoolers, give them room to imagine, make your dialogue speak like they speak, and focus on making it all sound real and natural. Make every word count - pick and choose wisely - think about what you are really trying to say and say it with the least amount of words possible (I’m horrible at that - my book is too long!)

You have a wonderful thing going here. The further on I went in your book, I felt your writing became more relaxed and less forced, which is typical of everybody’s book… Since the opening chapters set the standard, simply apply what you did in the latter chapters to the beginning chapters!

Sincerely,

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

The strength of this piece is the premise. The concept and characters are intriguing, and I want to know more about the story.

The pacing is good for the most part. There's a nice balance between narrative and dialogue, and both feel authentic.

Suggestions: Make sure you mix up your word choice. Your first two verbs: lived. Mix it up. Same with "change" twice in the sentence, "Then his life changed..." I love the premise of this story, but you start with an info-dump about Tom. Unfortunately, at this point, your reader has no interest in him and doesn't care about his background. Instead, provide this background information through your opening conflict. There's not much suspense before he falls for Susan and he learns of the other world. I feel like this needs more build up for your reader to get engaged. I recommend outlining your story to make sure it progress appropriately.

Typos: "Eighteen-year-old" in this instance should be hyphenated since it's three words serving as one adjective. Should be a period after, "that would change his life forever." I stopped looking for typos at this point because there are quite a few minor typos throughout your openings pages. Make sure you comb through this carefully and edit the mistakes.

You have the story and the characters. With some polishing, editing, and outlining, this could be an outstanding novel. Best of luck! Let me know if you make changes, I'd be happy to come by and take another look.

Hi, Chipper,
Writing four novels is impressive! Hope you stay with it.
I read some of The Rebel and enjoyed it. There are some problems, however, which need your attention if you want it to be more readable. You have asked for feedback, and I'm assuming you want it to be honest.
So, I like the story.
It's the punctuation, paragraph structuring, word choices, and dialog which are lacking. Here are some examples:
Prologue:
- The giant motioned with his hand. Susan stood firm on the spot. The giant grew angry. "I don't have time for this." The giant took a few steps forward. (In this short paragraph, you use, "the giant" three times. This reads poorly. Try using other words to refer to "the giant", such as, the large man, the beastly figure, the massive hulk...etc.)
- Then Susan thrust the hidden dagger with all her remaining strength into her tormenter's foot. The giant howled. Susan slipped through the giants legs but the giant turned and grabbed her by the ankles. "Where do you think you are going girl?" he said. The girl struggled but her effort was useless as the giant flung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. (The first line is GREAT! But again, here we have some of the same problem with "the giant" along with a couple other things. Here is the paragraph edited. See what you think...

Then Susan thrust the hidden dagger with all her remaining strength into her tormenter's foot. He howled. She slipped through his legs but the massive figure turned and grabbed her by the ankles. "Where do you think you are going, girl?" he said. She struggled but her effortS WERE useless as her captor flung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

- "Are you ready to flog the future queen, Ted?".... (In this paragraph, you are running the dialog of different characters together. Is this purposeful? You end the paragraph with a comma, to continue dialog below. Not sure is this is accepted writing. Here's a rewrite as an example:

"Are you ready to flog the future queen, Ted?" asked Thunder sarcastically.

Ted chuckled. "Tear her clothes".

"With pleasure," said the large brute. He ripped her shirt so that her firm back was exposed.

"This is what you get for disobeying His Majesty," the soldier shouted. "It is such a shame to lose something so fine and pretty as you, my dear."

Now let's take a look at a couple things in Chapter one.
- He nodded and ran off to join Eric.... (Here again, you have the dialog of different characters jumbled together. Since you don't write this way throughout the manuscript, I'm guessing you are not trying to create a new "style" of writing. With this in mind, take a look below and see if you see my point. Also, a couple of errors. Focus should be focused. In the next sentence, I think you mean, "He's just WHAT we heard of." Another thing, you don't need brackets (or quotes) between character's continuous dialog; IE: "stay focus!" "He's just want we heard of." Following this, you have Susan continuing her dialog. If she is speaking about something different, it's okay but leave off the brackets at the end of the paragraph, otherwise, it appears that Cedric is speaking. Or, tie her next statement to the same paragraph. Take a look.)

He nodded and ran off to join Eric.

Cedric smiled. "He likes you."

"Hey, quit it," said Susan. "And stay focused! He's just what we heard of. Now we have to make sure he doesn't run into Rachael," she added, leaving the room.

More;
- She saw Cedric turn around.... ..She looked left the right and smiled. (Do you mean, She looked left TO right, and smiled. ?)
- Two black hooded men came toward her. (The way these next lines are delivered, it's not clear who is speaking and requires work on the part of the reader. "We attack soon....." Who is saying this? The way it's written, the reader will first think it's Rachael. Then the next line: "I think I can deal with....." Again, I think this is Rachael, but it takes work to figure this out. You don't want your reader to have to work to understand which character is speaking.

Chipper, the further I go, the more I find. I like the story and think it has GREAT merit. However, I think your manuscript needs lots of attention. People may not want to take the time (as I have...) to read something that needs so much work. You might try printing it out and finding some "beta readers". Someone who will be honest. You don't want someone who will just say, Wow, Chipper, this is cool!"
Once this is "cleaned up", it will make a great read!
PattiTain :o)

Hi Chipper,

I read up to Chapter 4. This story takes off from the get go and the momentum of characters and events unfolds at a pace. Tom as a character seems appropriate - inept and self-conscious with his mate as a supportive foil. I could not believe it when he introduces himsef to Susan and then runs off! There is an interesting mix of the adult and child in him. I can see the tensions being set up, not only his besotten regard for Susan (the admission to his parents was unusual and unexpected) and that between the two forces of which as with her regard for him is an unknown quantity, though I suspect she is a good egg.

The dialogue I found sound and characteristic and the associated actions in sync. There was sparse description, and this in part accounts for the pace. The reader is akin to Tom, a mite bewildered as events hurtle at him.

I can see this as a highly entertaining read for a young adult audience - the elements of involvement in a secret co-existent reality are attractive. These elements are archtypal to an extent, the vampires and wizards, a secret kingdom but I think so long as they are discovered in-situ as a part of the novel and presented originally, discovered as the reader comes upon them they are worthy inclusions in a story such as this.

I think the novel has merit and promise and I will put it on my watchlist. and ranked the book 4.

All the best

Brian

Hi Chip, The start is very focused and the action during the scene made me go straightaway to the next chapter. I like this pace and the way the story veers towards its storyline and yet there's humor in it, a kind of bewilderment.
I noticed that sometimes transitions were a little stiff such as when the guard was referred to as "the man" and then "the giant" - it was almost as if they were two different characters at first. And then the parent scene.
There's a mysteriousness about your characters that you handle well. It's a page-turner. Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

pure good fun. I smiled more than once as i was reading. Actually, it's unfolding like the scene of a movie ;-) Easy enjoyable read!

"The Rebel" has a lot of potential, especially with such an amazing storyline. I'm a bit sorry it's only 30 k words, it would be great if you managed to add more to the story.

The best of luck with it, Chipper!

Ivan

Too many cliches, I'm afraid - beautiful exiled princess, even vampires and wizards all thrown in together to make a complete story. It is always an achievement to write a book, but it is said that a writer needs to write a million words before they write a publishable story. I think you have a bit of practice to go yet before you reach that stage.
Good luck with your future career in writing,
Marj.

Chipper,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

There are several things working for you here

First the shot gun start. You get right into the narrative, hooking the reader from the start

The dialogue is very natural, it flows, no excess baggage

There is something very un sentimental about the way you narrate emotionally charged events, something that forces the reader to provide the motional quotient.....

...and that he does

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

The sense of place is a bit missing. I would have liked to get a picture in my mind before I start interacting with this characters

There is a difference between the minimalist "image that opens up a picture" and no image....lol

I don't mind the minimalism....but like Updike once said : "Just don't write yourself out of the page"

Marvelous

David

Hi Chipper 10,
I enjoyed the start of this book of yours. Now, I'm not experienced in YA fiction, so take my only nit(s) with this in mind. I'm thinking that the second and third sentences could be restructured to vary the rhythm. Instead of saying he lived and then he lived, perhaps something like: As a member of a wealthy family, he enjoyed (or was accustomed to) a luxurious apartment. Oh, and I THINK folks are used to "New York City" as a reference rather than downtown New York. In Chicago, we delineate with downtown Chicago (or we reference a hood, like, River North, Chicago). But I don't remember coming across NYC in that manner (downtown NY). Just wanting to help. Beginnings are crucial. Now, the rest of chapter one reads very, very well. I intend to come back to read more and comment and rate, as soon as I can.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Good cast of characters in this fantasy thriller. Alex, Tom, Rachel and Cedric all stand out as distinct personalities with their own issues and takes on the world. And the author has created an alternative, allegorical world, parralel to our own, where the themes of conformity and rebellion can be played out. The use of white space can be a little distracting as some paragraphs are seperated by larger gaps than others, but overall the great use of short, punchy sentances keeps the reader wanting to turn the page to find out what will happen next.
Kathleen ('Losing Janice')

The Rebel.
The first three sentences of chapter one of your book begin with 'Tom'. To avoid repetition, perhaps something along these lines - Tom Graham lived on Pritchett Street in downtown New York. He came from a wealthy family and due to parties his parents often held, could obtain autographs and backstage tickets from celebrities who attended them. This isn't brilliant but it gives an idea of how you could do this. If Tom's family are so wealthy, why is he getting the bus? Who is Susan, is she the strawberry blonde? I found this rather confusing as I'm not sure where his interest lies. Perhaps have him watching, from a distance, the girl he fancies for a while before he plucks up courage to speak to her or get Cedric to introduce him to her. 'Red as roses' is a cliche, consider finding another way to describe Tom blushing.
The prose outling your pitch flowed well and makes perfectly clear you know what direction the story is to go in. I would suggest you structure your opening chapter more, so that a reader can easily follow what is happening and who is who before going on to another scene. All of the foregoing is important. You've worked hard to create your book and you want a reader to keep on reading beyond the first chapter. Descriptions of settings or a characters actions will make your story more visual, so it might be an idea to consider this when you edit. Show what your characters are feeling, shock, horror, embarrassment etc, rather than tell. Dialogue is often very important, it can show what a character's personality is, their preferences and attitudes, their background, where they come from and what their status in life is, either in age or material possessions etc. That being said you have a very nice hook at the end of the first chapter.

Nanty - Chrys!

Hi Chipper, I've read a few chapters of your book...it has a good storyline but I think it lacks description and more prolonged speech is required.
You tend to be rushing things quite a bit in parts.
Look at the first chapter...the speech is very minimal, not every day stuff, the way kids would talk today.
Don't be put off by what I say, go over it carefully, add to it, make it interesting to the reader.
The first chapter is most important, it's the difference between whether a book succeeds, or is put back on the shelf.
You have a writing talent and good imagination...that's for sure...the storyline shows this.
I honestly think that you have the basis of a book that could go a long way.
There is a shortage of fantasy novels within the Y/A market...I think this would fit the bill nicely with a bit more work on it.
Pleased to star rate 'The Rebel' and wish you well with it.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - SERIES.

backed you as promised!!!

Have 6 starred this and added to our WL which means you WILL make our shelf in the next (+3) round of backings (its 12pm for us). Check our comments trail if u want to confirm this and do feel free to chase at ANY TIME to know exactly how long till ur going up...

Such kind of historical fantasy is rare one in the literature. In this creation you have done a major process. That is dilution of fantasy with historical background. Extra human presence is also visible in this novel. However it do not feel boredom to reader. In total this is a good novel, not to kill time but to grasp.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Seagulls
The Wildfire

An interesting premise that would suit the younger market, there are some editing issues yet this is just to tidy as you have a strong foundation. There are some issues with the flow of the story and I don't think the spacing has helped because of the way the uploads affects the presentation. However if you could sort this out I think you have a good book with a substantial storyline.

Backed,

Lisa

I imagine young teenagers would enjoy this story which spins along nicely. Plenty of dialogue and a hint of mystery - what should Cedric and Alex tell Tom about?
I must confess, however, that I found the writing less than fluent. Perhaps this is due to the very short sentences, often of similar structure- the first three sentences, for example, and where the third Tom is surely redundant. Likewise there is very little description to help one along, which all makes for a very sparse style. No doubt an editor would be able to put these details right however and we look forward to seeeing you in print. Backed Jaye

Web of deceit is a cliche - be more specific

Chipper, this reads like a sure thing for the teen age crowd. Good Luck. Backed

chuck -- Marshall Warren -- "Sunrise, Sunset"
My novel, based on a true story of Power, Politics, Mother Earth, Sex, and Money

This is not my usual genre, but I am happy to back your work based on your pitch alone. Good luck. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Chipper, I feel as if this book should have the tag of YA. Your style of writing lends itself to a younger audiance. Though I think the storyline has wide appeal, this didn''t have a natural conversational flow for me..It felt choppy.
I did feel for your MC and had an emotional connection to him, so I think if you went back and read this outloud it would help you with the dialogue flow a great deal.
The pace is good and you set the scenes well, so with a little tweaking I think this can get there, Backed Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Hi Chipper, I like the premise and your direct approach to your story. There is an admiration of those who do not get clogged down by over-description. I think what would behoove your style would be for you to find a balance somewhere in between. As it stands your sentences and paragraphs are a bit too sparse. Try mixing things up a bit. Bring colors, weather, dimension ino the scenes. Your readers will thank you! You've got volumes of potential just try spicing it up a bit. Shelved. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

I think this is a story that young adults will find really interesting. While I know that the first paragraph sets up the backgound for the story - and you probably want to get into the story as quickly as possible - you might want to see if it would work to show us that a little more than tell us. For example, maybe he could be having a conversation with a friend who is giving him a joking hard time about being so wealthy and liked. It does delay us meeting Susan, but it might help us identify with Tom just a little more. Just a thought!