Help Wanted

If you really want to back my book, fine. But all I'm looking for at this moment is constructive criticism, and if you're willing to give me some honest critiques, I will back any project you want me to, or give you equally honest feedback on your work. Thanks!

I liked this, I enjoyed the read. It’s fast and factual. And plot development is well under way by the end of loaded chapter one. I felt grounded in the story and I felt an affinity towards your characters.

Dialogue was good also.

Take this comment as you will, but I don’t think you should say ‘You’re fucked’ twice on page one. I don’t say that because I don’t like swearing, because I swear, and have almost every other bad habit you can think of. But if you want to achieve commercial success I think you should either wait until a literary agent has asked for your full ms , or you’ve established a chord of familiarity with your readers before your ‘fucked’ twice.

Last line C1....he regretted the thought.... Mmm, do you regret a thought ? You might regret an action, but you just shrug off a thought if you decide you don’t want to follow it threw. I don’t think I’ve ever ‘regretted’ a thought.

Fabulous read, best of luck....
Wilma1 - Knowing Liam Riley - I hope you enjoy it

Trina: do apologize for this spam comment but I did BACK your book. Though my book is currently on the Ed's Desk, I can still use your comments on my book before the end of this month. Thanks - cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

A poignant read indeed. Well written and the dialogue keeps the pace nicely. It would be so easy to over-write the pathos and you steer away from that - the end result is an obsorbing read. I didn't understand some of the imagary, what caused the cuts in his arm, drugs.. ? I daresay I would know if I read further, but alas time is scant. I'll wait to buy it and buy it people will. Best of luck. Nenno

A poignant read indeed. Well written and the dialogue keeps the pace nicely. It would be so easy to over-write the pathos and steer away from that - the end result is an obsorbing read. I didn't understand some of the imagary, what caused the cuts in his arm, drugs.. ? I daresay I would know if I read further, but alas time is scant. I'll wait to buy it and buy it people will. Best of luck. Nenno

Hi Trinas, I read the first chapter and enjoyed it (if that is the right word). Your picture of the two lads living on the streets is well done - touching upon their desperation and emotional bonds to each other. the girls are druggies, they prostitute themselves.
I thought your opening line was excellent and liked 'stunk so hard, god could smell him'.
I though it odd that yu say 'He wasn't that upset' folloed a sentence later by 'stress attacked his chest'. This seemed a contradiction.
You repeat the name Skylar too often in one paragraph.
A good start with a strong voice and story line.
Backed.
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Hi Trinas, I read the first chapter and enjoyed it (if that is the right word). Your picture of the two lads living on the streets is well done - touching upon their desperation and emotional bonds to each other. the girls are druggies, they prostitute themselves.
I thought your opening line was excellent and liked 'stunk so hard, god could smell him'.
I though it odd that yu say 'He wasn't that upset' folloed a sentence later by 'stress attacked his chest'. This seemed a contradiction.
You repeat the name Skylar too often in one paragraph.
A good start with a strong voice and story line.
Backed.
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

there is so much good about this book. the narrative and dialogue is especially effective. l can see little wrong- on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Very touching. You have got the context just right. Tough subject story. How is it to end? Do you want to leave the reader up or down?
Jerry [paperbat] = any comment / backing would be useful.

If you really want to back my book, fine. But all I'm looking for at this moment is constructive criticism, and if you're willing to give me some honest critiques, I will back any project you want me to, or give you equally honest feedback on your work. Thanks!

The first three chapters seem to have been carefully created, are full of imagination and eloquent prose. I especially love the dialogue--- it's very natural and realistic and the pace was perfect. I liked using the time, too, that was very effective. I was completely drawn in. Backed!

Tiffini
The Character

Gritty, tough and yet deeply emotional. A good, well written book that one wants to read to the end and wishes that it ends well despite the odds.

Dear Trina
well i have already commented on your nook. which i might add is amazing, however i cannot find the backing so i will take the time to do it again. your book is WORTH IT for sure.
so pleased to see it doing so well.
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, comment which is important to me, and back my book. if not that is OK also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

Dear Trina, I love that I've never been in these situations :) - my life has been pretty bad, but I can see that it could be much worse by reading your story - there's always something to be thankful for. :) Your pitch, dialogue, & paragraphs are exellent which cause me to keep reading. :) I have already backed your book :) - hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

Man, this completely drew me in!! Way to go! Proud to back! Would you consider checking out my novel, Jhevalia? I would love some extra feedback!

Thanks,

Laura
"Jhevalia"

Compelling characters caught in the frightening reality of life on the street--painful to read, but so important to tell their stories, to really "see" them, understand where they came from, and perhaps find ways to help . . . . Thank you for writing about this.

DJay - Fine and Shimmering

A realism that is crafted careful to project both charcters and diolouge that make usd feel as if we're in the same room with them. C W

Hi Trina,

I loved it - absolutely loved it. So emotional, it is a roller coaster just trying to go through each paragraph!

Please take a look at Crystallyn when you have some time.

Happily backed.

Anna
Crystallyn

Hi Trina, Very convincing and gently written so that the roughness of these lives is softened by their relationship with each other. Tasha’s feelings with drugs and her conversely cynical attitude about survival is economically but effectively portrayed. Both she and Anna seem stubborn about continuing the way they do and yet you show their vulnerable sides. The scene at Anna’s house, so many plot threads, make this compelling. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Incredibly stirring read and you are talented to bring out so many sentiments both in the characters and the reader.

I wasa peasure to see such fine work

backed you
THE DATE

"We're fucked," is a great beginning to a story that appears to be going deeper and deeper into the hell hole. "Nicky hated being invisible more than anything else." That's how I feel on this website. Come on, Harper Collins, take notice and publish our books! Give us a friggin' chance, eh? "He just needed more than a stupid child's promise to keep on believing. He needed a miracle." Unfortunately, miracles aren't in the cards, huh? I'll be back to read more when I get a little more time. Backed for now.

I like this so much, you take to hopeless characters and give them to us in a way that makes us feel for them and want them to rise above it all. The writing is strong, as it should be in writing about these kinds of things. It takes a certain voice to deliver this book and you've got it in bulk! The dialogue felt real, too real in places, but that's good too. Starting over is always hard but you've given them some huge obstacles to cross, I got sucked into this and coudln't stop. Wonderful job!

Missy

HI TRINA HELP WANTED'

THIS is one good story the young people who are hooked up and into drugs.
you have put a lot of research into the writing of this book and it shows, well done.
you have got the language used spot on. very interesting indeed.
good luck
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'
please read mine and back thanks

Trina Tragedy: Help Wanted

Trina,
You capture well the hopelessness and loneliness in Nicky and Skylar; you render them the human touch that necessitates the nourishment they seek from the streets – the life in which they have chosen to submerge in. The manner in which they waste their lives on the streets seems altogether disturbing yet what defines their capacity to sustain through the rough world ahead is nothing more than love and comradeship.

Beautiful characterization coupled with sadness and despair. Capturing the soul of young lives gone lost is sad.

Best of luck with this book!

Romilla
Forgetting Sally

As everyone else says, the character depictions are excellent and the situations you describe are authentic. Well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Dear Trina
this is a very well crafted pitch both short and long and reflects the talent in your book. funny i have a dear friend Skylar and because it is not a common name i think of him as i am reading, and you know upon reading it could be him. funny that.
your ability to portray characters well painted as real if phenomenal, they have to leave my head at some point even if it is when i sleep tonight.
.I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

Trina, nice job displaying Nicky and Skylar's personalities out in the cruel streets quickly - the survival need, the love, or maybe just one sided love and the sad willingness of Skylar - so much going on in just the first chapter with more of a peek at the ladies yet to come. Structure is very good for the story and the pace flows very well. Backed happily. CW (To Save the Sun)

Dang, girl. This is good. Breezing through it and enjoying these characters and their antics. One nit: use "all right" instead of "alright." I'll keep reading...

Dang, girl. This is good. Breezing through it and enjoying these characters and their antics. One nit: use "all right" instead of "alright." I'll keep reading...

Dang, girl. This is good. Breezing through it and enjoying these characters and their antics. One nit: use "all right" instead of "alright." I'll keep reading...

Excellent storyline - talented writing. Easy to back.

Liz
The Cheech Room

HELP WANTED
This is an interesting story: four teenagers adrift on the streets and unable or unwilling to find help. I like the way that each of them has a different story to tell about being a runaway or a "throwaway". I think you’ll find an audience for this among young adults who have thought about running away from home so want to follow your characters to see how this all plays out for them. I’m happy to add it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 4th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Hi Trina,
You’ve done a great job on this. It’s well paced, there is plenty of dialogue and you’ve managed to get a lot across about your four main characters in a relatively short amount of text.
On the whole, the writing is nicely finished and flows well. There are a couple of times where you seem to have missed out an important word, thus preventing the sentence from making sense.
“His heart was overflowing, flooding his system with an overwhelming that sent his mind floating.” I think there’s a noun missing here – an overwhelming what?
“The darkness against her eyeballs with a feeling that resembled pain, but seemed like more of an itch.” Perhaps a verb is missing after “eyeballs”?
There are some typos and a few other grammatical errors including “your/you’re” and “it’s/its” mistakes and you’ll also need to check for the things like “even worst” (even worse), “the gently kisses” (the gentle kisses), “as he felt dirty and grease release” (dirt and grease).
On a few occasions you should be using the plural instead of the singular form of the verb.
“Rows and rows of short horizontal scabs coated the sides and bottoms of his arm and was framed with red, irritated flesh.” “Was” should be “were” (as in “the rows and rows were framed”).
“There just wasn't any other options anymore.” Change to “weren’t any other options”.
The above is all just really in the proof reading though. The only siginificant comment I have to makes is that I would suggest you alter some of the tenses when you are referring to events even further back in the past than the main action. Some examples:
Describing the “place they called home” - “The doors were sealed off with blue plastic and metal bars, but they managed to pry open the window of a large room on the side of the building.” - From the context, it doesn’t seem that the window was being pried open at that moment so perhaps “but they had managed to pry open the window” better supports the earlier statement.
After Anna has stolen the sandwich - “She stared it down, fighting off pangs of guilt. She didn't mean to take it,” – “What about “She hadn’t meant to take it”?
Anna with the wallet – “God blessed this day.” – “God had blessed this day”?
That’s just my opinion though. However, there is one tense I really do think you need to change.
“He sat back, running his fingers through his boyfriend's hair while he watches Melon attack Tasha's leg, trying to force himself to relax.”
The “while he watches” jars more than a little as this is the only time you use a present tense in this way. It would be smoother if you changed it to “while he watched”.
Anyway, as I said at the top, great job. I’ll keep an eye out for further chapters.
Best.

Brilliant work Trina, great synopsis, drawing the reader to want to continue with the rest of the story.
Backed with pleasure and will return with further comments once read
Helen
The Last Dream

Help wanted
A very gripping well written tale
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

This is powerful stuff - and very difficult to write about, I would think, without experience. I'm not prying, just stating that if this is written from the imagination, then you've done a great job. Strong writing; effective dialogue and a racy pace. Good one.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

This is very well done and professional. I like it a lot. The only piece of honest criticism I can think of is that, generally, it's a faux-pas to use profanity at the beginning of a manuscript. (Try to wait until the second paragraph; although, I have to say there's plenty of cussin' in my book, so...who am I to say?) Nice job. The characters are engaging and vivid. You know what you're doing. Keep up the good work.

Ch 1. You’re starting with tension and most readers love that. Your dialogue is brief and moves the story along. Your narration’s too much “tell” and not enough “show” but you can fix that easy. Also, I would suggest some internal dialogue as that would get the reader to better understand your characters (just like when you tell about Sky going out at night to sell himself).
Ch 2. A Coke trance is a powerful thing…show it. Watch it; you’re changing POV between the girls. Stay with one, the one who sees it all and describes what to the reader. Don’t tell us for example that Anna glared…have Tasha describe it. You’re using too many ellipses (…) to indicate speech breaks.
Careful, don’t start subchapters with dialogue without ID-ing the speaker.
Ch 3. I like that you keep up the tension. One small problem, diversify your dialogue…start sounding all the same. Use variation and play back and forth with short (punchy) and longer ones…also could use internal dialogue to explain how/what your MC feels.
Ch 4. Good, short and to the point. Watch yourself. You have the tendency to tell us what they think and feel. It’s okay on occasions but don’t overdo it.
Overall a strong, impressive voice. Needs some tightening up but no big deal
You’ve got my vote.