Suspicion

*** Please don't back my book without reviewing it. I am only interested in honest feedback. I'm looking to improve my writing, rather than get to the editors desk ***

Hi Murray

Is Joe the perfect man? Hot, sexy, fit and special forces too! Really clever the way you hook the reader into the first chapter. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

'Talk-radio was somehow less lonely than a music channel,' this and the lights coming on automatically to welcome her home, reinforce what an isolated life Kate lives. Nevertheless, she manages a repartee with Tolkien the cat. Then Andrew - 'a light has started blinking', and I'm hooked.

Nice day on the river and then the confession - will she swallow the Special Forces story? I guess she trusts him - but why not ask why he's telling her now? London parks: deer and parakeets, 'Out of place - but happy. I know how they feel'. Then he's abducted out from under her nose. At this point, I realise I've read this story before, though it strikes me as much stronger than I recall. 'Joe Black isn't his real name. It's Towers, Greg Towers ... married with two children ... ID theft'.

The sense of place is a strong asset to this story (not only so Joe can say how bad the security is at Buckingham Palace). The attention to detail brings it alive to readers whether they know the setting or not. I'm sure this will also be true of Prague and Washington. The plot is a winner. American Special Forces operative vanishes and then it turns out he's a liar, stringing Kate along. Who can she believe, one man, or the authorities of 2 countries plus Google - but Joe's left something behind. This has everything a thriller needs, action, romance, and most importantly in my book, plenty of mystery to wrap my curiosity and problem-solving skills around. Kate is the ideal innocent, not stupid, just totally unprepared for the underworld Joe and his like inhabit. This is exactly the kind of book I would buy ... backed.

Possible nits: The bit of dialogue re 3 months ago landing the job at O2 sounds slightly contrived - it would sound more natural if you dropped the 3 months bit down into the narrative, e.g. '"Then I landed that job at O2 UK and I said..." "...I dare you to let me live with you," Kate finished. That had been three months ago. She kept a careful track of all the milestones. "You do realise...' Only describe his eyes as grey-brown the once unless there's a specific reason to mention it again. 'Although he liked to deny it...' did you mean to stray into Joe's point-of-view here - it takes away some of the mystery about him. You could hint at these traits via Kate's thoughts.

This reads very well. Kate is a well developed character and you set up her situation very well too. There are plenty of hooks to keep the reader interested. Dialogue is smooth and believable. With a cat like Tolkien, clearly the real MC, this is building into an entertaining sunday fafternoon read.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Don't know where ch. 2 flew off to, but when I find it, I will be back. So far, very good, something I would like to settle down with and read. I don't do editing comments..unless someone puts me in pain, cuz I'm not the greatest at that to begin with. Backed with pleasure

sue
Fate's Chastening

I was immediately taken into this story. Good job hooking from the git-go, ch. 1 promises mystery to be chased.

Hello Murray. You have a well written story here. It flows nicely. Your characters are believable, and the dialogue moves everything forward very well. You use many of the ly words, the last that stands out, because I can still see it above, is (Kate saw him clearly as he leaned) Clearly is not necessary to the sentence and should be omitted I believe. Anyway that is my opinion due to past experiences with such words. I've been chastised on more than one occasion when I let too many unnecessary little bloopers slip through in contest submissions, and I still have the little buggers slithering in through the cracks. I edit them out on a regular bases. But I digress.

Anyway, great job over all. Will add it to my shelf.

Nick
Invasion from Within

Murray,

Cherry G, who has impeccable taste, sent me.

First thing to observe is that is well written and easy to read: clearly polished. That said, you've asked for critique, so I shall be as pedantic as I can and raise the most minor of issues. Of course, it's all only my opinion; ignore anything that doesn't resonate for you:

--your long pitch could probably be elaborated, I'd like to know more about the dramas and complications;

--second paragraph of first chapter I love the flicker-book image, but think it might be stronger if you omitted the word 'often' before it;

--next para, perhaps you could similarly remove 'main' from the first sentence (which has an awkward feel) modifiers like these tend to weaken impact, at least for me;

--paragraph egining 'She turned the key' uses the word 'radio' three times in succesive sentences, I suspect the echos could be avoided;

--I think Indian, in 'indian restaurants' should be capitalised;

--punctuation of dialogue:

She laughed, 'Just teasing you!'

Should be a fullstop after laughed, rather than a comma. Also, do you need the exclamation mark? I think not;

--You have the song title 'I Want to Break Free' in italics, my style-guide (Chicago) suggests putting song titles in quotation marks rather than italics;

--there's a line of dialogue preceeded by the words 'He continued', I don't think you need any tag or beat here, as it's obvious who's talking, but if you do, I'd put it after the speech, which allows the dialogue to me more prominent;

--next line of dialogue--still from Andrew--perhaps a comma after 'come over'?

That's it for chapter one.

Chapter two

--in the second para, Kate has a line of dialogue that's buried, I'd break this out, three paras: Kate observing Joe; the line of dialogue; then Kate flashing back;

--next para has a tag before the dialogue, then following para again buries dialogue in the body of the narrative;

There's a lot of this, which means dialogue doesn't leap of the page: some readers, flicking through a book, are looking for dialogue . . .

--Joe has a line including: "I'm fine. We are fine.", wonder if 'we're fine' might sound more natural;

--when Joe's revealing his past he has a line:

'It could, but I never tortured anyone.'

that doesn't quite work for me as a reply to the question asked.

--More pedantry, but you have an elipse without spaces between the dots.

Chapter three

--again there's lots of dialogue hidden behind beats or tags, one example:

She doubled up laughter. "No, stop! You're making my sides hurt!"

have you considered using beats to break the lines, something like:

"No, stop!" She doubled up laughter. "You're making my sides hurt."

(I also removed the second exclamation mark, which seemed like over kill to me.)

--There's a paragraph beginning, 'Although he like to deny it . . ' which seems to be from Joe's PoV, though the remainder has also been from Kate's;

--then another (beginning 'In the past Joe had led the way).

And that's all I have for nit-picking.

Just to reiterate what I said at the beginning: this is an easy read and something I'd happily keep reading.

The story is vaguely familiar--I think something with a very similar plot got a gold star here way back--but the writing is crisp and the telling good.

Backed with pleasure.

Suspicion
Intriguing and well written. Backed with pleasure, I hope its does well.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man

I read the first 4 chapters and then there was an autho error, so I couldn't read on. I am really enthralled with this story. Chapter 1 was okay. It provided a necessary hook at the end but as I liked your pitch I read on anyway. The next chapters just got better and better. You really have a winner on your hands. Keep plugging it. I also love your front cover. Is that meant to be a wolf in sheep clothing?
All the best, Sana
P.S. I hope you can find the time to look at Saffire Drake

Hi Murray, I read two chapters. Chapter one is rather sad as kate gos home to Tolkien the cat, with the talk-radio playing becuse it's less lonely (poignant that, I thought).
Then, the great hook with the 'something in the box'.
Chapter two ends with 'trust me' -- obviously fateful words -- so what has he been up to? Good dialogue between Kate and Joe.
Intriguing and well -written. No nits.
best wishes, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Hi Murray.

I'm here for the swap. Finally had some time to sit down and read.
First of all, I'd like to start of by saying I've read chapter 1,2,3,4 and 5. I would like to read the rest of it and suspect I will do so when I have the time.
Chapter 1 is excellent. It gives the reader some insights into Kate and her amusing cat Tolkien. Fantastic name for him. The scene almost lulls you into believing nothing will happen. It's just a normal evening of feeding the cat and going for a run.
Then, of course, Andrew calls.
I found the ending of the chapter very good. At first I thought Andrew was being mean in telling her about Joe's things but as the reason became clear I decided against it.
Chapter 2-5 really fill you in on the back-story Kate and Joe have. The way they meet and dare each other on is very endearing, although I will admit the name Joe Black really made me think of the movie. I'm sure the name is supposed to sound "made up" and it's interesting.
I also wonder, when Joe tells her his secret and she asks him a few questions, why didn't she ask him why he was telling her at all or now?
But of course, that's just something I'm sure I myself would ask and has no bearing on the story. :)
Kate is a very good MC and I felt very connected to her. Rooting for her came naturally and she feels very real.
I felt her outrage at the police station and the fact she had to talk on the phone to report a crime. Now, I don't live in England and now I'm wondering if that's true. Can it be true? It sounds cold and harsh.

On the five chapters I've read I can honestly say I enjoyed them, even if I was impatient to find out more about the things Andrew kept and of course, why one of them started beeping. I'm sure it has something to do with her pulse monitor and I look forward to knowing more.

The only thing I can really say I didn't love is the pitch. I would like to see that improved. If this was a book at the store I would hesitate to buy it because it doesn't make me curious enough. It's good but I think you can do much better.

Backed with pleasure.

Haley Brite - Hart

SUSPICION.

I read all that was uploaded.
You've created a convincing character with Kate. She is still hurting from Joe's apparent deception and yet tries to keep busy and not think of him. She is the sort of person who likes to face a problem and deal with it (eg. her advice to her sister over her job) and she's got a sense of humour (even if her cat doesn't appreciate it) and is likeable and convincing as a character. Her love for Joe was clear and it seemed as if Joe loved her. So when he was snatched by the two mysterious men at Windsor, were they on his tail because he really was in Secret operations, or were they US police officers arresting an American conman they had tracked down to Britain?
It felt realistic (and very familiar) that the police weren't very helpful. In fact I was surprised they gave her a visit at all. However, I think that if I was in Kat's position, and I had no contacts for any of Joe's family or friends or even work colleagues, I would have contacted the US embassy. If Joe was in Special Operations they may not be forthcoming, but I would give it a try.
I think I would have been more suspicious of the men who informed Kate that Joe was a conman. If it was a straight forward criminal case , why the secrecy and why didn't they contact her before? Wouldn't she be needed to give evidence or just be asked some questions by the US and UK police? I would want to know if Joe was taken with UK permission and where he was taken to.
The information she read on google could have been faked or not apply to Joe at all: I was surprised she was so easily convinced of such wrongdoing by a man she loved and trusted. I was full of suspicion and I don't feel Kate would have been so easily convinced either.
Then we have the mysterious beeping sound by Joe's clock. and the CD they find. It seems Joe was giving her clues. And the postcard with one word on the back...is that the codeword she and Andrew need to access the CD?
You've left us in an exciting part of the story, Murray and it has me desperate to know the truth about Joe.
Good work. Tight and clear writing with convincing dialogue and a steady build up of tension.
One nitpick: Chapter 7, the 4th paragraph from the end:, is written in the 1st person.
An enjoyable read which had me thinking of all sorts of possibilities..
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca

Hi

I just finished chapter 2 after a few attempts to open this chapter.
I don't know what's happening with Authonomy. It is playing up.
It's another great chapter except when Joe reveals what he was really doing but keeps saying I shouldn't be talking about it. This is like, dear reader...I have to tell you this because it makes the story work. Find a good reason why he has to tell her anything at all at this point. Maybe she finds something in a draw or accidently sees his emails and asks questions. Use or discard my suggestions as you see fit. It's your story.
Backed.
A return read and comment would be appreciated.
cheers olga

Hi

Chapter 1 You draw the reader in from the first sentence. The mystery is set up well and you reveal only enough to entice the reader on.
Well done.
Backed.
Cheers Olga

I really liked the idea of this. It starts innocuously and sometimes your writing is almost cosy, but the theme of tracking down someone comes into its own and makes for a page turner
backed
Lara
Good for Him

Murray, your first chapter swept me into the second, and I'd have gone on but didn't have the time. They say either you have it or you don't and your writing definitely measures up, my friend.

Good job and pleased to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Suspicion.

Tight, economical sentences that keep focus on the character and feed character into the story.

The narrative voice is clear, povs do not clash, and the work has been diligently plotted.

Good, charactercentric thriller, wish there was more to comment on.

Backed.

Azam Gill
“Blasphemy!”

I would definitely like to read the rest of this - your opening chapter reveals just the right amount of information, the writing is great and and your characters act and speak like real people. Two tiny nits; I found the two 'abouts' at the beginning a little awkward, and the song by Queen is 'I Want To Break Free'.
Backed with pleasure
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

Great characterizations and spot on dialogue make this a compelling read! Id buy it so Im backing it.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Hi Murray, Even though you’ve begun with a typical evening for Kate, the brisk style and the lead into her work with the heart monitor involved me early on. She’s likable in her conversation. It turns out to be a compelling beginning since Andrew’s discovery changes her evening completely. I wondered why he would have Joe’s box? Wish I could read on since you’ve ensnared me with character and this plot line. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

The storyline reads with an easy gentle pace that deserves to be backed. Chuck

Hello,

You must upload more! This is everything I like in a book; romance, intrigue, suspense and so much more. I do not feel qualified to pick it apart grammatically or otherwise as I am far from the expert. I see other comments from people who seem to know what they are talking about.

This book is a "can't put down, perfect read for a rainy day" story. Most publishers will have an editor to do final reviews/changes and yours seems to be where those are minimal. The storyline works and I was brought in immediately.

The only thing that is wrong is that I can't finish it and find out the truth about Joe. I know he's probably not what he's portrayed by the supposed US Agents.

If you've copyrighted your work I would love for you to send me the rest, you can send it to my personal e:mail. When I love a book on this site it's difficult that I cannot read the entire story. Let me know.

Wonderful and also happily backed
Denise

Example: second paragraph (and I'm being picky here, but you asked...)
We're thrown into her head, where I think it would be much more effective if we SAW the results of her mental state. You would lose nothing; the reader can figure out everything out that she's feeling by the things that she does, and the experience would be more immediate. I think it's most evident early on, and you should trust your readers to get a hold on the characters. If I've offended, I apologize.

Good narrative wordsmithing. I got a feel of your MC (though mostly through you telling). You have an attempt at internal dialogue—more would sound much better, get the MC up front, have her POV instead you yours. Dialogue, when it comes, is sprinkled with more telling. The bad thing is that there’s no advancement in the story. Ch one introduces the MC and not much more. Pace is natural but slow.
Today’s reader has a vast choice in books. First few phrases should hook the reader, the beginning paragraphs should grab and hold him, the first few pages make the sale or reader walks away.
Ch 2. From the bat I know I’m into backstory. After a slow first chapter I don’t think I’m ready for that (as a reader). Because of the dialogue this chapter moves at a better pace…and you’re showing a lot more than telling. This should be your opener. Maybe throw in parts from Ch 1. Joe sounds real…good job
Ch 3. Problem from the start. “Eight days later…” from Ch1 or 2. Reader won’t like a guessing game. And hold one. In Ch 1 we meet Andrew (with little info…so we discard him as an unimportant character). In two we have Joe, the American, and 3 names Joe again so I presume that 3 follows 2 )one yrs before 1)…GET RID OF 1.
Good chapter, the POV is steady (but could use some buildup), pace is okay and dialogue is real. It would help if reader gets (through her eyes) a better look at Joe and a feel of what he’s like. What attracts her?
Ch 4. Okay, the story starts to unfold—GREAT. A little more tension would help. If she cares about Joe, SHOW her concern. Good, solid chapter.
Ch 5. This is the chapter where things get cooking. My question is, would the reader have the patience? I’m running short of time to read any further today but I would strongly advice you do away with Ch 1. Start your story in real time and develop it chronologically. Today’s readers expect tension on every page and action to follow.
Your Ch 1 is “dead wood.” Ch 2 starts the story…it’s slow and accomplishes little in terms of endearing your characters with the reader of offering plot building. Ch 3 starts to move the story, 4 creates the tension and, finely, 5 delivers the goods.
NOW you’ve got the readers attention. A little late if you ask me…but what do I know.

Good thriller which plays on the theme of you never really know someone, it's written at a good reader friendly pace and somehow reminds me of Desperate Housewives, it's just the sort of thing that would happen to them, i can't really nitpick anything because this has my attention and hs engaging dialogue and characters that are vibrant and alive

hello MURRAY 'SUSPICION'

dnjoying this read as it brings me along a nice pace, it;s written in that style with a nice hint of suspicion and tenseness,
like the walk Windsor park and the talk about the castle, very descriptive,oh Fagan the guy who got into the Queens bedroom was an Irishman i believe!?
will read more when i can get around to it becaise i'ts good and will do well
backed
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'
please read some of mine if time and back if you like it thanks

Real nice voice, dialogue is lively and the narration (even though a little lenghty in places) flows well.
Backed

Everything here works for me so far. The title is precise and relevant, the pitch trimmed to the significant kernel of suspense, and the cover mysterious and somewhat menacing. Kate is a character readers will happily relate to. She has a cat named Tolkien and a good sense of humor--"Look, Tolkien, I'm dead!" In short, she is the type of person a reader would trust not to find herself in a maze of lies, and she has, in fact, broken up with Joe just because of this issue. Now, with the mysterious appearance of the blinking light the hording Andrew found at the bottom of Joe's discarded box, Kate becomes the person the reader will trust to get to the bottom of this mystery. She's earned my faith. Backed.
Niobrara Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

I'd start the story a little more into it. I forget who it was who said it, but start the story as close to the end as you can. Also, I'd like to see a little more action revealing Kate's character than having her described to me.

I was only going to read a bit to get a feel for it, then I found myself finishing the chapter one, moved on to chapter two and finished chap 3 then continued on and finlally paused after chap 4 to comment. As you can see you dragged me into your book and my coffee went cold. Anyhow, one small possible nit pick, sometimes you just threw an info in there, like e.g. in para starting with "Andrew was easy to talk to..." Info like this not woven into the story just dumpped at the reader is called info dump. Maybe you can put this into a dialogue, e.g. he calls her and apologizes for late call, she says to him not to worry because he's always easy to talk to. Now it's woven into action and not just out there and readers find something about both characters. All in all, one good book, BACKED!!

Will you be kind and have a look at Rose of Crimson?

All the best!

Zrinka

SUSPICION
Murray,
What an exciting read. Intrigue, chilling in the right places and great descriptions.
Nicely paced with short snappy sentances. Backed
Faith
The Assassins Village

Murrary, thanks for your message. I've read one and two. The opening chapter is a little heavy with everyday detail for me that doesn't relate to Kate having got on with her life before you go to flashback.

I'm sorry I don't have time for a detailed critique. All the best with it. Jamie.

Sent through a backing.

I understand and agree with your request for detailed reading.

Your descriptions are excellent. That whole thing with the "bejewelled" cardigan, and then later "cardigan sparkle" is exactly the detail that is needed to complete your narrative voice.

I love that the cat is called Tolkien. You also have that all important hold on human perception and in this case with Kate, loneliness; the point at which you say that "Kate interpreted as" in relation to the cat's meowing is the perfect expression of the animal owner and the way we always see that which is invisible to others, purposefully.

Equally that part where she teases the cat and he is dancing around her feet is sublime; it is the sort of detail that most writers omit but most readers soak up with glee and a warmth that only the consumate reader can know.

Then you produce humour. "I'm dead" when the heart monitor has not be initialised? Wonderous. This whole passage expresses loneliness with a delicate paw and allows the reader to galvanise themselves against its painful intrusion whilst being mesmerised by your exhibition. Fantastic.

One thing though; Earl Grey? In a bag? No, no, nooooo! Leaves and an individual seive! Please don't upset me again!

Then you come up with: ".. again, he did not laugh..." Tolkien is the perfect foil for Kate and the perfect invention of the author (do you have a Siamese? Hmmmm? Hmmm? You certainly know of one.) Excellent.

I am only angry because I got to the end of chapter one and found that I had to nip in and out of other chapters to make sure you had not been unfathomably lucky (like those chimps writing Shakespeare?) in your first. You see it is late and I wanted to sleep but your first chapter made me want to read on. I mean, who would not want to know what that damned flashing light was? The thing is, if I had read on I would have probably been awake all night and you would not want to hear from me then.....oh no.

Any way, I was glad that you asked for indepth and I was glad to give it. Sorry if you wanted derision, I looked but could find no avenue to give it.

BACKED for goodness sake, now leave me alone to stew in my misery of rueing my own paucity of talent! PAH!

Murray,
Suspicion is a thrilling narrative filled with suspense. I was drawn into Kate's deep thoughts and feelings from page one. Backed with pleasure.

You have crafted a most compelling and interesting storyline and I do like your use of foreshadowing in your openning chapter, Your use of short paragraphs and crisp, realistic dialogue helps to heighten the tension and keeps the pace of your story flowing well. Your use of imagery is excellent as is your character development of Kate. All of this coupled with your descriptive writing style makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Murray
like a few other books today I am seeing that my comments are not showing. I may be loosing it or something so I will back this book again just to make sure it is WORTH IT.if you have already backed my book thank you so much, if not would you find the time, if not that is OK also
the VERY best of luck
Denise
The Letter

*** Please don't back my book without reviewing it. I am only interested in honest feedback. I'm looking to improve my writing, rather than get to the editors desk ***

Dear Murray, I love the intrigue & suspense of your story - just glad that I'm not Kate :) - having been married 6 times, I have enough problems of my own. You put me right there with Kate & I was thinking, "I guess things could be worse." Great captivating write! :) Hope you write a lot of books. :) I've backed your book :) - hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Love, Susie :)