The Hydromancer

Dear Conor

I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. I do wish to be part of your climb to the top on this site. CONGRATS and I will comment more as I read more
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, comment which is important to me, and back my book. if not that is OK also

The VERY best of luck to you

A wonderful fantasy. You've got a very imaginative writing style that makes this come alive. I haven't read much about mages so this was a little different for me. Something new is always appreciated! I think you've done a wonderful job with this, the characters are great and well rounded. I love getting lost in a great fantasy novel, it transports you somewhere other than reality. I'm glad I found this.

Missy

You have finely crafted a most interesting storyline and created a very endearing main character in Conor. Ypur use of short paragraphs and crisp, realistic dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing well. All of this coupled with your descriptive writing ensures that your work will appeal to the youth market. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

You've been on my watchlist for quite a while; not ready to back yet.
After reading chapter one, I just can't get into it. You have the bones of a story, but its very jerky right now. He does something cool, his dad's proud, and then Connor decides to "forget about it" and keep walking?? That made no sense to me, and left me wondering if you'd left out an important paragraph that would hint at what was about to happen to his dad!
If you are going to lead into the action (as you seem to be trying to do), you need to move much more smoothly. Make me care about Connor and his dad before you kill one of them.
If you are going to just jump into the action, then start with Connor coming home to find his dad dead, and THEN explain who and what they are.
You seem to be trying to do both, and its not working.

Hi Conor, here to return your read as promised. I try to give honest, critical feedback, but of course it’s just my opinion, so please ignore anything you don’t agree with.

First of all, I like the premise of your story. The magical power you have chosen to give your MC is both limited and intricate, which means you’re never going to suffer from either boring your reader with the same thing over and over again, or annoying your reader by making Conor too powerful. Good choice. (By the way, you and your MC share a name … hmm, is there something you’re not telling us? ;-)

OK, so now for the criticism …

In general I felt that you tended to narrate the events rather than showing them through Conor’s eyes. That means that although I can be entertained by what’s happening, I never really *feel* it. I think you need to bring a bit more emotion into the writing – and I don’t mean by saying how Conor was feeling at any given time. No, I’m afraid I’m talking about the old ‘show don’t tell’ mantra that you’ll hear a lot of on authonomy. If you can make me experience events alongside Conor then I’ll feel for him, and if I feel for him then I’ll want to read about him. The way to do that, I think, is to put yourself in his shoes and describe what he’s experiencing directly, without setting yourself (the narrator) in between him and the reader. For example, when Conor skates along the surface of the water – that’s got to feel pretty amazing. So describe it. Does the cold air rush into his face? Does his stomach lurch? Does he hear the water whooshing out from under his feet? You get the picture.

I also thought the events of the first chapter went by much too quickly. In particular, you gloss over the trip to the bazaar and so it ends up feeling like a device to get Conor out of the way so his father can be hurt. I’d like to get to know Conor and his father a little better before things kick off. I realise that you are writing for a younger audience and so you want things to be fast-paced. I just think you could get enough wonder and action out of what Conor can do with his powers (if described more fully as I suggested above) to wait until Chapter 2 for the father’s demise.

You’ve got various punctuation/grammar glitches, but I won’t mention those. Just be aware that it would be worth going through the text with a picky eye and correcting the errors before you send it out to anyone. The more polished your words are, the more chance there is for the story to shine through :-)

By the way, ‘Conor winced as his shoulder crumbled’ – this sounds pretty painful! I think you need to pick another word, because ‘crumbled’ sounds as though it’s literally breaking apart beneath his father’s hand.

I hope this helps – and that I haven’t come across as thinking I know it all, because I most definitely don’t! You’ve got a great idea here and one that I can imagine being very popular with older children/younger teenagers.

I think the voice of this is perfectly suited for YA, and I like the imagery you begin with, the looming tower and Conor's magical gift. The dialogue, the description---I think it's well done and the pace of this is good too. What you have is a variety of grammar and punctuation mistakes, too many to list, I'm afraid, and this also needs a general going-over in terms of reducing overly wordy parts. In general, watch for long sentences with many little words. Get yourself a red pen and try to cut as much as possible. Look at books that you like and watch the way that the length of sentences are varied. Read out loud; cut awkward bits. A good start and you shouldn't be discouraged. You've crafted an interesting plot and believable characters--no easy task--you just need to keep at the editing process. Wishing you the best of luck with this...

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Okay Conor, my revision is giving me a headache so I'm taking a break to have a nice read! As always, whatever follows is purely one person's observation and need not apply if you've got a better idea.

Pitch- not bad, but I think it gives too much away. I might suggest bringing it closer to Conor's point of view:

'Conor, a talented hydromancer-in-training, is about to fulfil his lifetime ambition: to become a Hydromancer, one who can manipulate water. But just as he is able to achieve his goal, his world is turned upside down when his father is murdered. Now Conor must journey to avenge him, face new challenges, and ultimately prove that he IS a true Hydromancer.'

Perhaps not so cliche but it leaves a bit more mystery?

CHAPTER ONE

Title put me off (I loathe the Eragon series)- pure gut reaction I'm afraid :P

Quite succinct- easy to read and does its job. The opening sentence I found a tad weak. So he left the tower- how? with a skip in his step? Sullenly? I'd like more reaction from him.

'His hands...' take care with the subject of the sentence. You're mixing up his hands, the water and his face. Separate them out.

'...let the water return.' I reckon you could drop 'from where it originated', it's clear enough.

'he could hear his father whistling'- this clause should end with a semi colon, not a comma.

'he must have been coming to see his son's.' You're in Connor's view, not his father's, and I'm sure Connor wouldn't call himself 'son'- just 'to see how he was doing'.

'he has been practicing'- he had been practicing.

Some of your comma clauses could be separate sentences: 'Placing his foot...(T)he water wrapped around his ankles.'

Ah...my heart sank a little when the dead mother was brought up. I've seen it so often it's like a trigger for yawning. Not your fault, but I will say make sure your take on your MC is as fresh as it can be.

Numbers tend to be written out in novels, so 'six' not '6'.

Also, there's not a lot of character insight. I like how you've got Conor's reaction to water, but what about what he's doing? Does he find it easy? Fun? Does he like to show off? Heck, does he even bite off more than he can chew and end up embarrassing himself in front of his father? This would make it more interesting and make Conor less flat. Any 'he does everything with ease' is treading on Mary Sue territory, which is best to avoid! (Mary Sue's, or if you want to be politically correct Gary Stu's, are characters who can do anything and everything). I get he's a prodigy, but to make him more real I'd like perhaps some hints of pride and of fear of failure.

"Well done son!"- you can drop 'His father boomed', as the dialogue makes this clear enough.

Your dialogue punctutation is inconsistent. '...wear it with pride(,)" (h)is father said is what it should read. They're plenty of guides out there, use them!

You're using a lot of opening sentences with participles. While it does help to vary the sentence structure and keep the flow, sometimes you're not phrasing it properly and mixing the subject and object of the sentence. It can be misleading:

'he saw the box on his bed, opening (it) he saw the contents'- opening what? His bed? I get it's the box but you need the bracketed 'it'. Also, 'saw' the contents- how about some reaction? Do his eyes light up? Does he grumble about how crappy it is? Is he indifferent (probably not as it's a family heirloom but hey!) Show us his character though his reaction.

Ah, so his eyes do light up! Bring it further forward.

Again with the comma joined sentences- avoid! 'Conor's face lit up(.) (T)he water pouch...'

'After an hour of studying...' after that wonderful start with the water manipulation, you seem to lose the spark a bit. Most of what came before has been backstory and action reporting. You need to ground it in Conor. Everything he thinks/sees/ feels/ does has a motive behind it- show us! Give us more a taste of his personality- bring him to life!

Okay, whoa whoa whoa- you've stuffed a lot of things into too few paragraphs! This is the inciting incident, and after that nice build up you get over it waaaay too quick! This is the thing that changes Conor's life- you need to milk the drama. Slow it down, pace it out. Tell us what Conor's think on his way to market, maybe remark about the setting. Take us into your world, make the reader a part of it. That way when it's all shattered WE want revenge as much as Conor does!

Also, avoid abbreviations (30 mins= thirty minutes).

Right. So, you've got a great idea and wonderful character in Conor. But the world-building is quite absent. I'm not sure about what life is like, the geography, the nearest city/ town, the tower itself. I'd like some more details as to the setting. Also, don't rush over the essential parts! It's tempting to want to get to the later chapters ASAP, but the opening has to set the stage somewhat. You've done this well with Conor's water tricks- build on that. Give him some flaws, motives, general insight into his personality.

Writing wise it's generally good, but take care with punctuation and grammar.

This is a fun read- work on it to make it come to life!

All the best

Sam241

Writing matches the target audience very well. Helps that you are in that age group I suppose!

Nice to be reading something niche (i.e. just water control rather than controlling everything and anything). Makes it harder to write and keep interesting ... but you're doing a good job of it from where I'm sitting.

All my best
A J

Hi Conor (can I mention that I love your name?)!

Here are my comments. I am a part of the BH group and find it easier to submit comments in the outline below. Hope you don't mind.

COVER: Pretty good. I like the colour scheme though the person on the cover looks like an older man rather than a teen...maybe it's just the size though.
TITLE: Also alright. Kind of simple, but hey, look at mine, I like simple.
SHORT PITCH: Work on this! To get more reads and for your queries. The pitch isn't an explanation, or even a synopsis. It's a hook...like what you'd read on the back of a book.
LONG PITCH: Also needs some work. You could make your story sound a lot more exciting than you're making it out to be. When I saw the long pitch, I was like, "Yeah! Right up my alley!" But a publisher might be like, "Magic. Water manipulation (done a lot). Avenging father's death. Next." Think fresh, think original, and then tell us in a mysterious and slightly coy fashion why your book is worth reading.
TEXT: I see this is a work in progress so maybe it won't break your heart to hear you need a pro editor, darling. Really. Your idea is really good - like I said, this book is right up my alley and I would be all over it. But the sentences are slightly simple and lacking, and only an editor you can work closely with will point that out to you. You have a lot of promise and the story is interesting. With the right finishing touches, you should be golden. You have to love your work enough to go through it with a fine-tooth comb many times, so stick with it! A lot of promise here.

this is now on our bookshelf AS PROMISED!!!!!

Thak you!!!... have 6 starred this to show intent and have added to our WL which means you WILL make our shelf in the next (+2) round of backings (its 11pm for us). Feel free to chase at ANY TIME n will let u know exactly how long till ur going up. Good luck with it and thanks again!

Very Interesting! I love this kind of writing and story! I've put it on my WL list! Have a great week!

This is very good. You havn't went into too much detail which is appropriate for your target reader and I adore your characters. I do have a few points to make however.

1. There are some points that didn't make sense. I didn't understand what had just happened. For example when Conors father went under the water. I didn't know whether they were angry at each other or his father was happy that Conor got the trick right first time.

2. Some people won't knwo what "mana" is so maybe you could give a sentence explaining that.

3. It seemed a bit rushed at one point and a bit jumpy. The part I am talking about i when Connor comes home to find his father wounded. I felt it didn't flow properely.

Apart from that this is a very good start and I look forward to reading more. For being 16 you have done extremely well :) I started my novel at 14 and now have another 5 on the go lol and trust me it is something that you will forever be proud of.
I cannot back it at the moment because I have just updated my shelf but I will do at a later date.

If you have time could you possibly take a look at my novel. I look forward to hearing what someone from my target audience thinks for a change.

Lesley-Ann (Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth)

Dear Conor
It is unbelievable that a 16 year old have written such and amazing story. You have written very mature for your age and your story is very compelling. I read the first 2 chapters for now, (don’t have time for more at the moment unfortunately) Being so young and writing so well, I do think you will have a career one day as a writer. Just keep persevering and work at it. I do think your opening was great, but maybe just take another look at how it flows when the boy finds his father. For me it was unclear what had happened, Like I found my dad by the bottom of the stairs, Was he stabbed, was there blood, how would the boy know he was killed, could he have fallen from the steps and so on. Just take another look at that and read it again. Also the fast moving on to the next day, after the boy’s birthday, makes sure it states clearly that it wasn’t the funeral the day after. I want you to be only encouraged because you are writing so fantastic, just a few details that you may need to put in to make the story flow better and for the reader to actually be in the seen. I would like to say to you a huge WELL DONE boy. I am sure you got a proud mum and dad.
Laila

Dear Conor
It is unbelievable that a 16 year old have written such and amazing story. You have written very mature for your age and your story is very compelling. I read the first 2 chapters for now, (don’t have time for more at the moment unfortunately) Being so young and writing so well, I do think you will have a career one day as a writer. Just keep persevering and work at it. I do think your opening was great, but maybe just take another look at how it flows when the boy finds his father. For me it was unclear what had happened, Like I found my dad by the bottom of the stairs, Was he stabbed, was there blood, how would the boy know he was killed, could he have fallen from the steps and so on. Just take another look at that and read it again. Also the fast moving on to the next day, after the boy’s birthday, makes sure it states clearly that it wasn’t the funeral the day after. I want you to be only encouraged because you are writing so fantastic, just a few details that you may need to put in to make the story flow better and for the reader to actually be in the seen. I would like to say to you a huge WELL DONE boy. I am sure you got a proud mum and dad.
Laila

Hi Conor

Found your work to be quite lively and interesting well suited for the audience you are aiming at. Enjoyed the storyline (so far) immensely and have put your book on my watch list.

Lovely fantasy. I have read chapter one and can tell that this is going to be an exciting adventure. I wish you every success with it. Sana

THE HYDROMANCER
Your pitch could do with a little revising - - doing well, going well, - a bit repetitive. The pitch is your number one selling point from the start - like the back cover blurb on your book would read.
Your idea is good and so far - interesting. Considering your age you do write with some skill and your work is quite stylish in places. However, you do need to brush up on your editing. I pain but we all have to do it.
Someone said don't use ''ing'' words. I have to disagree. It makes text more fluent to use different and varied tenses. On the whole good and worht a backing. I have pleaced you on my WL.
Please, when you have a moment would you take a look at The Assassins Village - leave a comment and/or whether you consider it worthy of a backing. I would be very grateful. Thank you. Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Wow, Conor, I wish all teenagers could write as well as you! Great story, nice dialogue...you will go far.

Conor.

Great read. Awesome animated characterization, I am going to suggest the read to my son.
Backed!
Good Luck!

Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

Having just started to read. I have backed this book and feel I will not be disappointed as I continue.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Not may usual fare but a great idea for a fantasy novel and I'm sure it will appeal immensely to your target audience. Great pitch and your cover is a knockout. Backed with pleasure. Gordon -The Harpist of Madrid

A very dramatic 1st chapter, well put together.
Try to avoid words ending with ing, especially at the start of a sentence. They invariably weaken the staement.
Stepping on to the ledge, he cleared his mind. Better:- He stepped onto the ledge and cleared his mind.
If it was me I would drop 'dad' and stick with 'father'. It gives a better feel, a more authentic voice for this time and place of mystery.
There is no need to get him to go to the shopkeeper. All you need is:- The shopkeeper was a round man, always smiling. His red beard gave him a jolly look. By making it 2 sentences instead of one it is stronger, and it avoids tailing off. Read both of them aloud and see what you think.
I suggest you get Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Browne and King. It will help you avoid a great many pitfalls along the emerging writers path.
Backed.

This is a great story and very well written. I think it could do with filling out in places, like a little more description, as it feels a bit rushed sometimes, but you deserve to do well with this. Congratulations and backed.

Jane Holyoake (The Spiral Pendant)

Hi Conor, I read chapter one and enjoyed it.
You need to edit and insert some full stops where you have placed commas, as here in your pitch:

This young Hydromancer is prepared to do it nonetheless, he must prove to himself, and to others that he is a Hydromancer. (needs full stop after nonetheless. and a capital He)

'several floors' (doesn't sound very high.)
'15' -- (fifteen)
'raised' (rose)
full stop after whistling.
repetition of 'don't worry' by dad.
'lit up immediately' and 'began immediately' -- no need for this word 'immediately'.
More dialogue (ie. with the shopkeeper), will bring the story more to life.
I do hope these thoughts are helpful. Please feel free to ignore, if you wish, of course.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Incredible premise - I am totally intrigued by the manipulation of water in this story and the "becoming" of a young Hydromancer.

Backed,
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

You write in the manner of someone so much older and I congratulate you on that. Your book is well written creating great imagery. I think it should do very well. Good on you for creating such a great tale. I have backed you with much pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

A confident beginning which clearly establishes the main character and kicks into a tense situation quickly. I'd love a little more description; sights, textures, smells - and some more description to really bring the elements of your fantasy world to life.
You have a few little typos here, particularly after speech, where you use the - "Blah." He said. - construction when it really ought to be "Blah," he said.
Melanie Kendry Out of Time

I love the opening. Ir reminded me of the Water Tribes in The Last Airbender. Brilliant! One thing to watch is your punctuation. A slight misstep can truly confuse and distract a reader from the business at hand.

Backed with pleasure!

C. L. Freire (DAVID THORNE: The Golithian Orbs)

Thanks for commenting, i'll take a look at your book when i have the time,
Conor, the "real" Hydromancer :D

Conor,
The Hydromancer is an original story which resembles nothing I've ever read. I had never heard of Hydromancy and felt like I had the privilege of visiting another world in reading the first two chapters. The sapphire amulet reminds me of the blue diamond Heart of the Ocean necklace in Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story. Your descriptions of Conor's surroundings and actions are vivid and the pace works well for a story intended for young readers. It's sad to have a tragedy occur at the end of the first chapter, but a story of survival can be of benefit to young readers as long as there are positive messages embedded in the text. Backed.

You have finely crafted a most interesting storyline and created a very endearing main character in Conor. Ypur use of short paragraphs and crisp, realistic dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing well. All of this coupled with your descriptive writing ensures that your work will appeal to the youth market. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi Conor, I liked how you described the water magic or manipulation. And going right to that made it feel more like a usual part of Conor's world. You established well the relationship here so that after the father's death, the grief is lead up to. One sentence "... Conor bid farewell and left the shop." It just seemed a little stiff and a few others were like that, moving the story along, while the scenes were smooth. This is enchanting so that the death and plot prodded me to read on. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

A wonderful fantasy. You've got a very imaginative writing style that makes this come alive. I haven't read much about mages so this was a little different for me. Something new is always appreciated! I think you've done a wonderful job with this, the characters are great and well rounded. I love getting lost in a great fantasy novel, it transports you somewhere other than reality. I'm glad I found this.

Missy

Good job with the story and clearity of the style. Backed.

I invite you to read or comment on the Rebel

God Bless,
Chipper

Dear Conor, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed my memoir book, "Tell Me True Love Stories." I really appreciate it. :) Hope you will take a moment to back my other memoir book, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." Thanks so much. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I'll be #17 to have your book on my watchlist. :)

THE HYDROMANCER
This is an interesting story. I wish you’d explain in your pitch what is a hydromancer; I’m guessing from Conor’s actions, it’s someone who can maneuver water into doing whatever the person wants it to do. That’s a good foundation for a fantasy story; makes Conor a unique character. And this a good read. I’m happy to add it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 3rd place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Hello there!

The element aspect of your book reminds me of my own! I also have Mages. :o) Great first draft, needs tightening up and a re-read, but otherwise:

Backed for the potential!

Jodi
x-Evalesco-x

Good start, interesting characters and a new slant on the magic tale. :)
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

I was 16 when I wrote my first book so i know how hard it is, life seemed so less compicated then. I like your style, and the concept you have thought up, visual, engaging, brimming with ideas and cool stuff, good luck with this, keep in touch

The hydromancer
Interesting pitch
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Hi Conor, Nice journey you've painted. I'm not a critic, just a scriptwriter who appreciates a good visual. :-) Backed!

Sincerely,
Jim
(jack & charmian london)

This is incredibly creative. I've really enjoyed it myself and I'm certain that children and young adults will love the characters and the imagination. Great story so far too. Backed.

Thanks For your comments, I think i might continue adding them and see what you think

Dear Conor

I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. I do wish to be part of your climb to the top on this site. CONGRATS and I will comment more as I read more
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, comment which is important to me, and back my book. if not that is OK also

The VERY best of luck to you

Haha excellent work mate i was right in enforcing our legal agreement :D and Zachary!? you dont realise how much i was called that growing up. Im officially addicted and i demand that you keep on writing! I would buy this anyday! NEXT CHAPTER! :D

Oh! Conar this is really good. Very clever and the imagery is grand and creative. Your details also bring this to life. You manage to keepr the reader wanting more.

Very pleased and happpy to back this.

Check around para 4
Conar asked, him trying (Doesn't read right)

I see a lot of teenager gaming themes in your book. My 12 and 14 year olds enjoyed the first chapters. And have even asked if I would download all 8! You may actually have caused my boys to take up reading !!!
I will back this.
Jerry [paperbats] Any comments on my childrens' book and backing would be great.

Good stuff!

I'll have to add a chapter, there was 10000 words because i uploaded the same chapter twice, sorry. It'll be up again later

This is excellent writing - easy to back for imagination and talent.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Dear Conor, I love your book of fantasy & Conor's feat to be all he wants to me & more. Wish I could have read the ending. :) "tomorrow" is the last I read. Hope I'll get to see what happens next. Great read with excellent pitch, dialogue, & paragraphing to move me swiftly through your book. :) Hope you'll write much more. :) I've backed your book :) hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."