Old Number Seven

Even though there are a few writers on here that are near the talent of this guy, John’s Old Number Seven is probably the most professional piece on this site.

AWARD: MOST PUBLISHABLE AUTHONOMY BOOK 1ST PLACE

Dear John,
I finally came back to finish your book, and I just couldn't walk away without one more comment. First of all, you were right... the sensory detail surrounding the actual storm was so well done. You created so many powerful images. As I read chapter 31 and 32, your words again stirred up such emotion. When Rosalie and William were paddling through the water... "the dominance in the cespool', and the "smell of death seeped out of ruined houses" truly let the reader see and feel the destruction. The final chapter is just excellent... the statue and Duke, oh Duke! You have touched many hearts with this piece, revealing great sadness as well as the overcoming spirit of human life. This piece must make it to the desk! Will back you again, hopefully soon.
All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now to Him

A great story of courage, self-sacrifice, self-discovery and romance, in the midst of a natural disaster. Most of us have heard about Hurricane Katrina. We saw its after-effects on TV and wept with the inhabitants on New Orleans. Through this beautifully-written story, we get to see to see the difference a few people can make. Through it, the unsung heroes are celebrated. Although the ending is quite sad, I believe it mirrors actual life. We get the good, the bad and the ugly but through it all we learn truths, keep hope alive, and find the strength to carry on. Deserves to be published!

Two old wrecks, left behind by the tide of progress; one an ancient pumping station, the other a man who spent his life keeping it running. But when the elements unleash Katrina, the digital defences are swept away, and it falls to the old timers to become symbols of hope. Lovingly written, with fine attention to detail, John captures the cataclysmic events that drowned a great city.
Backed with pleasure.
CS

Wow, I'm very impressed. I've always noticed that the best fiction writers seem to have backgrounds in reporting. Author Gary Jennings comes to mind. The prose is about the facts, and that's how it should be. You tell us precisely what happened without all the flowerly bullcrap that amateur writers use. Furthermore, Old Number Seven is a story that needs to be told, and who better than a reporter to tell it like it is? Not only has author John Breeden II reconstructed the horrific tragedy with vivid fictional characters, he does it for the benefit of those real individuals who are still in need of reconstruction. Tremendous and noble. Backed.

J. Moore
Vigilante

Chapter two rolls along like the silt from the alluvial planes bordering the Mississippi. The pump itself is becoming a character as you describe in more details and bring in the dialogue. The dialogue was real and believable. Catching the exact way a word is pronounced can be challenging especially our friends from the ninth ward. Your description of the pumps is opening a more recent scar from the oil spill. I remember sitting on a derrick barge in Mississippi Canyon as I tried with family and friends to get powerful pumps brought in to suck the oil up in a few weeks. Politics and money reared it's ugly head and ...sorry I'm ranting.Great novel!--JL

John this chapter upon re-reading is sharp and draws the reader in well. You use foreshadowing well and the tension was palpable. I see plot twists flowing along to really kick it up. Great job!--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Dramatic beginning.
Your writing flows will dramatic elegance.
It all so portrayed to be so real and deep. There is also a depressing tones because of the realistic knowledge.
It has so much throughout this book that it is hard to grasp it all.
Very well written.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Backed!

great story. well written. keeps the reader's interest.
j

Great introduction and preface to begin a highly tense chapter. Now the flashbacks begin again Stark Silvercoin as I watch "Game of Thrones" and begin reading your work.

Driving into Lee Circle two days after Katrina, I had a hellacious day. I was getting from Jefferson Ave to Tulane, I remember having the same feelings as your character. Looters were breaking into hotels and houses in the Garden District. I came on a group throwing bricks at Hotel Le Cirque. They went to throwing bricks at my vehicle. Luckily a gift from some Greek friends made them change their mind. I did a lot of drinking that night.

A strong and instantly memorable opening chapter. We are drawn straight into the very heart of the drama, it's like reading some horrific post-apocalyptic novel. Not sure if the use of the word 'They city would be saved' is intentional or a typo, but it sounds right and gives William a sense of place. Hugely impressed.

John,

A captivating read! You have a powerful command of the written word. You capture the mood well. You draw your reader in. You depict humanity and our fragility, as well as incredible strength. This is a fascinating read and I would highly recommend it. I really do hope it gets published, not only so that you can contribute to the charities, but also so that more people will get to see this work and be touched by it.

I have written up a commentary of the first four chapters. I hope you will find it useful :) This work has a lot of potential, I really hope to see it in print. I think I need to reorganise my bookshelf to make space for this little gem! In the meantime I’m here to support with feedback and any tips that I can humbly offer
….

Preface:
Well executed, this sets the scene for your story. I like how you use the first person to describe what you experienced and saw - it puts the reader in your shoes, and makes us connect to the subject matter.
One sentence feels a bit awkward to me; ‘The city that once bragged about being a place that care forgot…’ Maybe try rewording? What about something like; “A city where cares were once forgotten suddenly became one of misery and suffering at almost an inhuman level”
Great use of short and powerful sentences, especially in the final line.

Chapter 1:
A powerful first chapter. I like the way you have positioned the reader in this scene by using William’s thoughts. The part on Hell is nicely done.

I also like the way you describe - ‘noble crusade’ - The word crusade links back to the slightly religious terminology, and makes it very appropriate for this piece.

I think you mean ‘Their city would be saved’ (not ‘they’)?

Passive voice ‘he was there’ is great. It contributes to the tone of almost empty horror at what has happened… You don’t try and overload too much emotion into your writing; instead you use simpler sentences to just capture the mood, making the reader ultimately feel that emotion you wish to portray. Skilfully handled and well balanced with the more intricate descriptions of the destruction.

You build up a sense of mystery in this chapter, and you finish with a catch to pull the reader on into the rest of your story.

Chapter 2:
I like how you transition back to the past, so that we see the lead up of events. It also leaves the reader in suspense because of how chapter 1 finished off!
You build the characters well. You show their ‘normality’ and that they are just ordinary people.

Chapter 3:
I found the second sentence a little clumsy -- with the repetition of ‘which’ after the commas. Maybe try rewording? ‘The station sat on top of a little hillock, which was constructed so that the facility was slightly above the rest of the ward in elevation. This protected it from small floods…’ not sure but maybe you might want to play around :)

When William’s father gets out of the truck… maybe somewhere around that dialogue mention something about the old man’s dignity? How he didn’t want help doing things, as if almost to prove to himself that he was still fit? I think it’s an important psychological thing when you get older - to prove that you can still do things unaided. My grandmother has terrible arthritis in her fingers yet she insists, always, on grating the carrots on her terribly blunt grater, even though I fear she’ll grate her skin off. My grandfather will always insist on carrying suitcases from the airport when I go visit, despite his week heart. So maybe you could flesh out this human desire to stay strong, and do things no matter what our condition.

Hmm, at times I find it a bit repetitive with ‘William’s father’. Not saying you should give him a name yet, but maybe be careful to try and avoid any ‘clunkiness’. Sometimes I find there is also a clash when you say ‘father’ one sentence and ‘dad’ in the other - I’d stick with one or the other. I do like the use of ‘old man’ though.

Chapter 4:

I’d write; “His father really wasn’t supposed to eat the hotdogs because of their high sodium levels. But he loved them so much there was always a couple of extra packs in the house -“ then continue the sentence saying something maybe about enjoying life as you get older?? You could touch on enjoying life while it lasts …. Could be a good way of foreshadowing what is to come.

I like the link of the backyard being overgrown to Will’s dad’s cancer. It is a nice image. In my mind I see the overgrown bushes being like a tumour growth, spreading… I also think you have the father/son dialogue well balanced.
….

I have a few general ideas now to throw at you. Just to see what you think! I do like the idea of the countdown in your chapters to when the hurricane hits, and then the continuation after. However, what would you think about jumbling the chapters a bit? So more like back and forth through time… you could do some interesting things with transition, and events that spark memory/etc. Just an idea!

All the best, keep me posted on how you go :)
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Wow! reads like watching a movie. Rated one thousand stars from my side.

Great characters and a very well developed storyline kept me gripped to this book. I loved the technical detail which showed obvious attention to accuracy and good research, The story was convincing and the setting very unusual. Very enjoyable read.

I put this on my watchlist and hope to get to soon. Also highly rated. I hope you can check out my friend's book, Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis.

Amazing potential, an interesting read, and clear, precise writing. Backed!
Devyn

Hi John
Started reading your book and found myself grabbed and held by the story—which is a good sign. The background is one of relative recent historical significance (to some), but I just don’t know much of a readership it could attract. On the plus side, your wordsmithing elevates it to more than just another story about Katrina. My gut feeling—which serves me quite well—tells me that you’ve got a winner. I browsed through some twenty-plus chapters and couldn’t find any turn-offs. Would have loved to see more tension along the way, but then, that’s my taste.
Your book will go on my shelf ass soon as I’ll make room (a few days I’ll expect). If I don't do it by Monday, remind me.
Good luck.
Dan

I had the pleasure of visiting New Orleans before Katrina. What a city! Full of intrigue and air of mystery about it. I"ve read your first three chapters and am wondering why this book has taken so long to move its way to the desk. One of the best books I've read on this site.
The characters are real (William's headstrong father) to life and the story itself is engaging. William doing his best to accomodate his dying father. Well done I've given this book 6 deserving stars and hope to have it up on my shelf in a very near future.
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

I read through the first three chapters at lunch and had to put it down to go back to work. I love this book. The preface is heart wrenching and I like the way you started the story in chapter one. You have an amazing gift for imagery. Even though this story is fictional, I found myself drawn in to believe every word. This is a book that will touch the heart of all who read it. Thanks so much for the read. Six, seven and eight stars for this one.

Even though there are a few writers on here that are near the talent of this guy, John’s Old Number Seven is probably the most professional piece on this site.

AWARD: MOST PUBLISHABLE AUTHONOMY BOOK 1ST PLACE

I have three more chapters to go before I finish. I was in my hotel room and I kept saying, "one more chapter then I'll go to bed." I think I said that about 5 times :-) This is really great stuff and it kept me on the edge of my seat. I think you are doing a great think by bringing awareness to the struggles of people in New Orleans.

I have two minor nits feel free to ignore them. First, in your pitch you have John Bailey as your Main Character, but yet in the story it seems that WIlliam is at the forefront. This is fine, but I might tweak the pitch a little to reflect that. You should refer to John by his name more, not just William's dad throughout the book.

Second nit, Hurrican Katrina happened in 2005 and John served in WWII, which would put him in at least his mid-seventies. William is not yet out of college so he is in his early twenties. It just seems that John is a little old to be William's father. I kept imagining him as his grandfather.

Anyway, these are just nits. I have no professional credentials. I have backed and starred.

A story that drops us in the middle of life during Hurricane Katrina. With great characters and an intense writing style it had my adreniline pumping the entire time. Old Number Seven is a must read and if it isn't on your bookshelf it should be. Well developed characters push the story forward and keep you glued to the book. Once I started reading I was sucked on and couldn't get out.

Neal Sayatovich
Love, Fear and Holy War

John-This is a powerful, entertaining masterpiece! A sixstar must-be-published now thriller. You've got something much more to say about Katrina, something profound, something about human nature as a whole. Everything was brilliant, keeping me mesmerized with every page. Count on me for support when you're on the ED. Ol'number seven is one of my authonomy faves!
Dina of HOTD and Bad Juju

I am not qualified to give you a real critique. But I can share with you what an average reader may think.
Your first line and paragraph are compelling and pull the reader strongly into the story. The word pictures are clear and original. Each scene unfolds easily in my mind. I believe it to be excellently written and deserving to be published. Your generosity is apparant and I do hope this makes it to the top.
Roy Belletete -In Search of a Memory-

Every event in history has great works of literature to help humanity come to grips with what’s happened. As I read the preface to “Old Number 7” I wondered if this could be our tribute to Hurricane Katrina, the worse enemy to attack New Orleans since the British in the Battle of New Orleans. Sadly, New Orleans wasn’t protected by Andrew Jackson that day.

As I read through your early chapters, meeting William and his father and Punchy, listening to them describe storm Katie or Katherine, learning about the family’s home and the various elevations of N.O. neighborhoods, I could imagine myself (I’m a teacher) presenting this novel to students in the future. You offer wonderful detail about the city and its vulnerability.

I love the juxtaposition of William’s computer study and the sandbags/old station as he talks with the professor about his father’s willingness to help others. What do we value in this life? What should we value? What if we lost everything, what would we value then? Powerful stuff.

We have been more aware of New Orleans here at our house lately because my husband attended and my son attends Washington State University, and we are following the progress of former Cougar standout Steve Gleason as he struggles with ALS. We can’t help but feel lots of love for the people of New Orleans.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Dear John

I caught your book by noticing that ozhm had backed it - I am glad I found it. Two chapters in, I have to stop for lack of time, but I will be back to read more as soon as I can. You reconstruction is vivid, all the more powerful for being based on real events. Exciting, well executed and very readable. Highly rated.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

It seems presumptuous even to comment on this. Although the story itself may be fiction, the beliefs and ethics that inspired it should make it compulsory reading. Sadly, even the human face of tragedy under banner headlines is too easily displaced by tomorrow’s headlines, but a novel can explore truths in depth, and I’m filled with admiration at the way you’ve done it here. The main characters have lives before Katrina, and relationships that have nothing to do with the drama at hand, which makes the impact of the hurricane far more immediate and far-reaching for those of us who didn’t live through it.

As far as the writing itself is concerned, I’m torn. Your style obviously shows your journalistic background in that it’s verging on factual narration – lots of telling rather than showing or emoting. But in the circumstances, maybe that makes it more believable. Only an editor/publisher would know that, and I’m neither. One small point, though – most of the time you refer to John Bailey as ‘William’s father’. It seems to me that his character might emerge more fully if you separated him from William.

Backed.

John, I had to come back for some more. I finished up to Chapter 16, and I love it! My eyes are probably bugging out of my head as I'm reading---lol very engrossing read! I love all the details you put in here. I can see this unfolding as a movie. I hope it gets picked up!!! It definitely deserves it. Great job!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

A HIGHLY RECOMMENTED READ

There is so little I can say about your work, it’s excellent. And I have NOT said this about any other book I’ve read on here, so I take my hat off to you. I have a couple of minor things, which if kept unchanged, I’m sure it will do little to take away the strength of your writing. I have messaged you. Well done.

A magnificant story of survival, love and self-sacrifice. Old Number 7 demonstrates what Roger said best "hard work and smart people" are what keep a city alive and thriving. The research you completed is shown in your description of; the hours before the storm hits, the government shutting down the old pump stations, the new untested stations and the veteran's forced retirement. Overall the storm and flooding descriptions were so realistic it bought tears to my eyes as I remembered seeing the devastion on TV. For those of us who did not live through it you created an excellent piece that capture's the tragic events and the spirit of individuals who helped selflessly.

I really enjoyed the first three chapters of this book, for a few reasons. First, I lived through Hurricane Andrew in Miami and because we had a month off of school (I was in high school) I spent everyday volunteering down in South Miami where the damage was the worst. Going door to door seeing if people needed medical supplies, helping out in the tent cities, rebuilding homes and more. So much of what I saw was harrowing and it remains with me to this day. And yet. Andrew was nothing compared to Katrina. So I very very much appreciated reading this because I could identify somewhat from personal experience.

Second, I enjoyed this because I think that the relationship between William and his father is very well drawn.

I also really liked reading the local color you incorporate - your descriptions of New Orleans are spot on - and very obviously from a keen insider perspective.

Punchy is also a very lively and likeable character.

One tiny nitpick - which seems odd to even mention because your book is very well written - but it's nagging me - in the first paragraph of chapter 1 (not the prologue) - the descriptions of blood just sounded wrong. I think you can get away in the last sentence with just saying "bright crimson" and leave out the liquid. Also, "hot fluid" just seemed wrong there. Why not just say blood?

I only mention this because the writing everywhere else was so clean and good and this just nagged at me a bit. I hope you don't mind that I mentioned it.

Your concept is interesting. Your writing is strong. And I think that this is very much a story that needs to be told.

Well done,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

You wanted me to check out the new opening, and I got to say, I love it. The first time it's William and his old man in a truck, but this is evocative writing with gripping conflict. This has become a page-turner. You really know how to write. This is fast paced and full of great action. This is the kind of thrilling sequence of events that stays with a reader. The length of this is effective too, a sharp quick upfront chapter. The only thing that stands out to me as a possible edit is an adverb. You have great diction, obviously and an incredible vocabulary, which is a great thing, but one of the symptoms of this is colorful adverbs that actually bog down the sentence. For example "absentmindedly placed..." Given the events leading up to this, it didn't feel absentminded. If placed is too weak of a verb that an adverb was needed, consider replacing placed. Overall this is polished, clean, writing with great impact.

I read this almost a year ago now, think I backed it, then left the site during that mad backing frenzy rubbish, and today when I came across your cover, it rang a bell so I went and read again and became just as captivated as I had been the first time, but I can see no comment, which I wonder if they only show so many or if possibly I messaged it....anyways. I’ll be honest and say I skipped the preface, but what became very apparent to me today, was that your books appears to be one of those ones that have suffered during harper changing the system, because there certainly appears no reason in the narritve or with your story, why it hasn't already reach the desk after all this time.

What I was reminded of when I read your story this time was how very original it appears to me and that it was one of the better books I’ve read on the site. The narrative flows extremely well and one can’t help being pulled into it. The relationship between William and his father is very realistic and I thought was summed up lovely with “William rarely won an argument with his father, though he steeled himself to really try and do so this time”

Although I certainly saw the devastation on tv after the event… “hundred and forty five miles an hour” – could have thrown me off my chair.

You have some truly evocative scenes such as when William is looking at the chimneys without houses, the blackness spreading in all directions, wave of water coming straight at them, the churning dark water.

The relative slow build up to the story makes the events in the later chapters more horrible, more emotional, and the chapter titles displaying the time until Katrina, work extremely well as a ticking clock and help add greatly to a sense of suspense.

Extremely well done. All the best with this.

Chapter one is amazing! I couldn't stop reading. I am rating you a 6 and clearing a spot on my bookshelf. I am coming back to read more. Hurricane Katrina has always interested me. I want to really know what happened, and I think your book will help me understand it better. Thank you for this book, and your research.

Good luck with your book!

Sincerely,

Donna
Jessup and the Teleporter

Decided to have a look at this based on the recommendation of Colin Neville, and was glad i did. Your experience as a journalist shows in your strong, confident writing. At times, i thought you maybe slowed the narrative down with over-descriptive prose, but that doesn't distract from your strong writing.
It's a great, powerful and emotive story. I may be showing a lack of imagination, but it reminded me a lot of Treme, in the way that you set deeply personal stories against the backdrop of katrina.
I have only read 2 chpaters but they were both superb, and i'll be back to read more.
High stars also awarded.

Dear John, I was talking with David the other day and he strongly recommended your book to me. I think I will enjoy it. Thank you.

Hello, David recommends your book to me. I would like to appreciate your work firstly. I will enjoy it. THX

Hi, John. My name is Frank. My friend David keeps reminding me to read your book. I think I will enjoy it. Good luck for your writing.

What elegant, evocative writing, makes you want to savour every paragraph. I've never been to New Orleans but your words make me want to check out the flights right now!
I am thoroughly enjoying your story, it's one of those tales that are worth taking in small sips like a fine wine (continuing that analogy, I really did think that 'old No.7' referred to Mr Daniel's sipping whiskey).
Watch out for over long sentences, I know all about this and have to slap my own wrist sometimes.
The only word I will never use is 'nondescript', John, I urge you to strike it out of chapter 2, I know you will find the right word.
One last minor point, William describes his Dad as being 'snippy', is that a Typo? Over here we would say 'snipey' to describe someone being sharp or harsh. I except you may use a different word in the States.
Overall, 10 out of 10 for lovely writing I'll continue enjoying your work, please let me know if you do not wish me to comment on style and vocab.

regards

Cyrus

Great stuff John.
An interesting concept for a book and the writing is really very good.
I fully expect this to make it to the top.
I'll back it as soon as there's space on my shelf.

Good luck.
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

I hear about your book from David. He recommended me many books before. I think he knows me very well therefore I believe I will love this book as well. thank you ahead.

Hi, John:
David just recommend me to read your book. I believe I will love it. Thank you for your work!
-Gary

This is a story that operates at different levels.

Firstly, it is a great story, emphasised by the tragic reality of the New Orleans flooding disaster in the vanguard of Hurrican Katrina. The author slowly cranks the tension, and the reader can almost feel the storm coming, and the ominous waves of civic and individual concern it speads before its disastrous arrival. This public looming disaster is paralled by the individual tragedy of John's cancer and kidney failure, and his increasing awareness of his own fraility and demise. William, and his father, John, are introduced to us in three-dimensional ways, and in particularly in relationship to William's awe and respect for his father - and his frustration too, at his father's obstinacy and apparent intransigence.

Secondly, there are interesting themes within the novel concerning the role of age and experience versus modernity; intuition versus technology; personal responsibility and altruism versus self-interest and political expediency. The story also is about the importance of having an altruistic purpose in life, and the waste of human experience when people are denied such a role. The story starts with a description of a 1965 Ford F-100 pick-up truck, lovingly maintained and in perfect working order - but old - and therefore, in the popular imagination, not as desirable an object to own as a more modern vehicle. This symbolises, for me, at least, an explicit theme in the book: that 'old' systems can still be trusted if nurtured to work more reliably, compared to untried new models.

The prose is confident and clear, although I found some parts a little over-descriptive, e.g. the food description scene ch. 4.

I read chapters 1-10, and will be back for more, and will back this book later this month. A terrific read. Recommended.

Stark: This is anexcellent book in every way. The prose are superior. The plot and characters are sophisticated, and the story moves along at a great clip. I believe this is headed for publication - 6 stars. All that, plus the book is a noble effort for obvious reasons - allowing us an insight into the horrors of Katrina. I'm looking forward to continue my reading.
Bob

Stark: This is anexcellent book in every way. The prose are superior. The plot and characters are sophisticated, and the story moves along at a great clip. I believe this is headed for publication - 6 stars. All that, plus the book is a noble effort for obvious reasons - allowing us an insight into the horrors of Katrina. I'm looking forward to continue my reading.
Bob

Old No.7. I've been looking forward to coming back to your bookfor an onward read.

Ch.4. The night sounds, and the dying light blub, with William's thoughts turning to food. Three senses skilfully combined in those first paragraphs, which plant me right back there near the sandbank wall.

Want some nits?
I've been taught to avoid unnecessary words, which spoil the flow of a story, and their absence creates a stronger message: just, actually, normally, very, still, almost, completely, basically, sudden, also, easily, always, already.
Also, if you did a search for all the '-ly' words, you would probably find many which are superfluous.

Ch.5. The magical pumping station, a fountain of youth draining water away from the city - nice metaphor.
They seem rather leisurely in their attitude to building the wall... shouldnt there be more urgency to beat the impending storm, I wonder - but yes, I understand the false sense of security. You build the picture well, with William's relationship with his father.
And another hint at the draining of water, through Duke's thirst. Clever.
And a great description of the engine weathering a previous storm, only to be overcome in the end. And the father's almost conscious wish for another chance... what a build up.

Ch.6. There you go, appealing to several senses again, which brings your story so much to life.
The day dream about the dead man - his father's unstated wishes - and the impending storm. Then William's seemingly fruitless return to fill more sand bags. A well-crafted story, which is emerging into masterpiece proportions.
I just have to read on.

Ch.7. A little respite as you solidify the scene in my mind, and introduce old Roger. The word 'look' appears rather too many times in that paragraph. And ditto for 'stays' in the one about Roger's daughter.

Your story gets even better as it goes along, John - relentlessly onwards towards the climax we know is coming, yet I'm enthralled by the journey.

Even more stars than before, and I'll be back.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

John
Old Number Seven

I always read the first two chapters of a book for a review but here I am already hammering through Chapter 5 with ease. Your journalistic background clearly makes for easy reading. More importantly this is a book that ought to be written and must be read. It is necessary to make sense of what happened in New Orleans at that catastrophic moment in its history.

Quite rightly you shore up the tale with a story of engaging human frailty. William’s father is as sympathetic a central character as could be asked for. Seen through the eyes of his son the reader easily supports and has confidence in his vision.
Usually I worry about back story in the first chapter yet here I found myself reading rather than scanning through it. I don’t know if that is because of your ability with prose, which is excellent, or your instant creation of two sympathetic characters.

Indeed Chap 1 takes us straight into the human interest side of the story. We already know we are reading a polemic from the Preface. The first chapter motors with an angry pace that I am not sure is always maintained in the subsequent chapters.
I like the fact he parks his ancient truck next to the Toyota Prius emphasising the conjunction of the old and the new, a motif throughout these early chapters.

Just a few observations to flag up:

The opening paragraph of the prologue isn’t as direct as the subsequent prose. You use the words “almost” and “what amounted to” and I wonder if this kills the effect why not “... turned into a hell hole over night.” It’s tougher in my view and more in keeping with your style in the rest of the book.

I was troubled by William’s line in chapter two “I’m really a good student and ....” Would anyone describe themselves as a good student? If they do will they keep the sympathy of the reader? “I try to be a good student...”, “I work hard to be a good student,” “I want to be ...” etc all might make a more sympathetic character. In fact I have the impression William wouldn’t make such a pointed statement, he comes across as quite modest next to his forth right father.

Finally, in Chapter 5 you have the radio broadcast mentioning Katrina’s approach. I wondered if this could run through the earlier chapters. Clearly people know something is happening off the coast and it could be a dramatic ominous cloud approaching.

I am not surprised your book is riding so high in the charts. Top marks from me and good luck with it.

S L Stockford
Fresco

Wow, you can really write. Nearly flawless prose (my only nitpick being where you put a comma in -- "Yes, Dad," William sighed. -- as sighing shouldn't be used as a speech tag, so I'd change that comma to a period).

Try reading chapter 2 as if it is the opening chapter. That's what I did and I felt it really worked better that way. What you have as chapter 1, though very well written, is mostly back story and details of the pumping station and other such info that you really don't need to feed to the reader right up front. You want the reader to get sucked into your characters and the beginnings of the plot, and those details can be fed in at appropriate later times. Just my opinion, but I think your great writing skills are already fully sufficient for a good publishable book, but the first chapter doesn't quite do you justice.

Look at what the second chapter gives you. We learn hints about the characters, such as the father's treatment, and it's just fine that they are only hints. We learn about Katrina, and that introduces the major plot point. And you introduce the pump house. A great intro chapter, again only in my opinion.

Hello John:

I read the first three chapters of Old Number Seven and I think that many of us have grandfathers like John Bailey whose old-time wisdom trumps the weaknesses of modern technology.

This is an admirable venture you have to donate the proceeds of this book.

Blessings to you.

James

Dear John,
I finally came back to finish your book, and I just couldn't walk away without one more comment. First of all, you were right... the sensory detail surrounding the actual storm was so well done. You created so many powerful images. As I read chapter 31 and 32, your words again stirred up such emotion. When Rosalie and William were paddling through the water... "the dominance in the cespool', and the "smell of death seeped out of ruined houses" truly let the reader see and feel the destruction. The final chapter is just excellent... the statue and Duke, oh Duke! You have touched many hearts with this piece, revealing great sadness as well as the overcoming spirit of human life. This piece must make it to the desk! Will back you again, hopefully soon.
All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now to Him

Hello John,
A captivating preface.
Ch.1
Odometer dial – I think gauge, counter or instrument a better word choice.
I like this intro to the setting, William and his father except that I felt the old man ought to have a name.
Ch.2
OK, so now he’s John. Great continuing characterisation and no mistakes that jumped out at me.
Ch.3 & 4
Still interesting but a little laboured in places. For instance, I thought it was a bit longwinded about the fortune cookies.
Ch.5
Now the tension is building at it too is handled well.

I like the realism of the whole story so far. Nothing seems contrived or out of place except that Duke drinking buckets of water doesn’t work for me. Where I come from, 100°F plus temperatures are common and in several decades of life surrounded by dogs, I’ve never seen one drink more than a third of a bowl at a stretch. I have seen one sitting in a tub of water. Anatomically, it’s unlikely that a dog has the capacity for more than a couple of cups full of water.
I hope that you will rate and comment on one or more of my books – ‘Accident’ is the one I’d like to promote the most.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

The pacing in the story is good and the dialouge flows easily. You set the scene well and the characters appear clearly in my mind. A very good story.

All the best

Timmy
Asylum

What a great start with the preface. It reminded me about all the sad things that happened there. I had forgotten but I am glad you reminded me. I shouldn’t forget an event like that. Ever. I like how you brought the attention of the people who stayed behind and that was what you wrote about. That’s a good idea.

“Many died for their choices, their sacrifices forever unknown.” what a memorable line.

By you adding things like “. . . one of the deadliest hurricanes to ever . . .” made me feel bad but interested me. Just maybe I would be able to relive it with your story. But I don’t know. We will see.

Starting off chapter 1 with a son and his father driving on a hot summer day was an image to remember. I could picture it all and realize that I was reading a great piece of art. You have the talent of a professional writer. You know how to put words together so seamlessly.

The backstory of the Old Number Seven and how it was the muscle of pumping up the water was great. It brought tension or should I say suspense. Fathers are always right. . . . Most of the time.

After finishing the first chapter, I have no advice to give you. It’s good as is. How can I help a professional? . . . I can’t. I could try but it would be a difficult feet to reach his level of expertise. This story is amazing. You have something here. People love to read about tragic events even if it’s fiction. It’s because they can relate to it. William’s father sure is a good character. Hopefully I can back you soon. But I just changed my entire shelf and want to give them time on it. 6 stars is the best I can do for now. You have one extraordinary beginning with characters we trust and relate to. The H desk is going to love this one or at least the first chapter.

Nightdream

I find this an interesting story, but I also thought it got too bogged down in detail at times.

Sometimes it reads like an engineering manual rather than a novel and this slows down and deadens the pace.