Regenesis

What a great premise for a story. I liked your short pitch and your long pitch drew me in for more. I read through the first three chapters and I was mesmerized by the story. You have an unusual voice that comes off sounding like poetry, giving it a distinct rhythm that’s a joy to read. You have an amazing gift for touching the reader as well. I instantly wanted to reach out to Allystra and help her. You make your characters live and breathe. This is a great one. Thanks so much for the read. High stars for this one.

Replying to Ivan...

"I read all you've got here, Alonwi, and I should say this is one of the best books on authonomy! I enjoyed reading about Allystra/Sam relationship - reading about True Love like this is always a genuine pleasure! I would really love this book to be picked for publication by HC without all those races to the desk as it deserves being published!

I'm truly sad that the book is incomplete ... " - Ivan

You've got that right Ivan! This is one of the best on here! Great stuff! Highly enjoyable!

- Scott

I read all you've got here, Alonwi, and I should say this is one of the best books on authonomy! I enjoyed reading about Allystra/Sam relationship - reading about True Love like this is always a genuine pleasure! I would really love this book to be picked for publication by HC without all those races to the desk as it deserves being published!

I'm truly sad that the book is incomplete ...

Addictive!!! I think this is awesome!

Somewhere in chapter 1 you mention the stepdad? It confussed me - did i miss something?

This will be highly starred and backed!

sadly, ive finished this book now :( ... but i enjoyed it very much. i would love it if i could read the rest of this book if it has been completed.

firstly, i love your characters. i feel like you describe them with the perfect voice. their personalities fit and i especially like how you slowly transformed allystra from a depressed teen to a much happier teen. your writing seemed very clever in that way, because it wasnt like day and night; it happened over a period of time that made sense. i really like sam, how he seems to hate her in the beginning but then he ends up liking her; that seemed mostly natural too. sometimes when he talks though, he talks in larger paragraphs that almost make him seem more mature and older than he is. not a big deal, but i thought id mention it just because most teens would have been interupted by then or just wouldnt say that much all at once. but other than that, your dialogue doesnt feel forced or unnatural. i also really like how you described the scenes with ryan. they seemed really legit and raw, a hard thing to accomplish. the reader can feel exactly what is happening to her. another thing i thought i would point out is how accepting blakes family is of her. i just found it hard to believe that his own mother would ask her to move in with them so quickly. it seems a little unrealistic. not that its impossible because it definitly is, just that maybe it would take a little longer for her to trust someone that much so quickly.

your first couple chapters are just... amazing. probably one of the best introductions of a book i have ever seen. the pace is just perfect there. the pace slows down a bit in the middle during christmas and when she moves in with the family which doesnt have to be a bad thing but it kind of drags a bit and i think some bits could be taken out or maybe just made a bit more exciting. sams brother seems to become a more important character towards the end so maybe you could show him a bit more in the middle to make things a little more exciting. maybe he could have some kind of secret that hes hiding or something. maybe something could happen to allystra because it takes a while for her next regenesis and then bam, you have three or something being thrown at you all at once. basically what im saying is the beginning and the end of what youve posted are beyond amazing and the middle could use a bit of tightening in my opinion.

i really love this. i really do. its brilliant and breathtaking. please let me know if this is finished and if it is, if you are planning on posting more. id love to read it :)

wishing you all the best,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

An imaginative premise. It seems well suited to the young adult market and I could imagine the feelings of the narrator at the beginning of chapter one, as she introduces herself, sucking in (or winning round, depending how you want to describe it) a lot of YA readers. As someone well past YA status, I found the opening a bit slow and wanted the narrative to cut to the chase earlier, saving some of the introduction to later, but maybe that's just me.

The opening paragraphs seemsed a little light on punctuation: you may, or may not want to check that out.

Overall, it's smoothly written. Good luck with this.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

Here is the only thing I'm bummed about - that I've waited this long to read it. Oh. My. Goodness. I literally couldn't stop reading. I felt like I was there, feeling what she was feeling, seeing what she was, getting annoyed, reveling in fighting back. So, so good!!!! I've only read the first few chapters but can't wait to go on. Six stars and you're going on my shelf sister! If I saw this in a bookstore I would pick it up and buy it asap. (:

Bre
Memoria

First glance I was like what a stupid girly book but it's actually not a bad read. I liked the suicide description. Your dialogue in some parts isn't what I think a guy would say, but then I know some wimpy sensitive type guys that do the whole poem kinda shit so you know.


But yeh. I actually ended up reading up to chapter 5. Didn't stop reading since I picked it up, opened it whatever you call it. Came across it works <.<


Nice.

“18 year old Allystra kills herself only to wake up in yesterday. What kind of sick joke are the fates playing on her?”
Very grabbing – a dark twist on Groundhog Day.
I would include a comma after ‘herself’.

“Ryan is the light at the end of her tunnel even though he doesn't even notice she exists.”
I would include a comma after ‘tunnel’.

“When he dies, her whole world is consumed by flames of despair and she kills herself.”
This seems a bit sharp and snappy to me. I would go into slightly more depth, e.g. “When Ryan is killed by …, Allystra’s life is torn apart. Consumed by her despair, she takes her own life’.

“As her emotional state lightens, it become harder and harder for her to kill herself.”
Typo alert! ‘Become’ needs an ‘s’ on the end.

Your story has a good premise and is very well written. I particularly enjoyed the interaction between Allystra and Sam.

Great work.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

What a great premise for a story. I liked your short pitch and your long pitch drew me in for more. I read through the first three chapters and I was mesmerized by the story. You have an unusual voice that comes off sounding like poetry, giving it a distinct rhythm that’s a joy to read. You have an amazing gift for touching the reader as well. I instantly wanted to reach out to Allystra and help her. You make your characters live and breathe. This is a great one. Thanks so much for the read. High stars for this one.

Hi Bragitta,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
In your short pitch, 18 year old needs to be hyphenated in this case.
I love the premise here.
I’d delete “Whichever you like”
Be leery of overusing ellipses. Publishers aren’t generally fans and they aren’t usually necessary.
Again, I love the premise, but I think the long pitch could be tightened. Whittle out the backstory and nuances that aren’t as necessary. Remember, your goal should be to get the reader to open the book, not to sum up the plot.
Chapter 1: Isolated
“present moment” is redundant
I’m not hooked on this opening line. Seems like it could be more hard hitting.
Again, drop some of those ellipses. Same go for emdashes.
Your characters are strong, very likable. Also, the premise is sensational. Like a darker Groundhog’s Day. Truly innovative.
I don’t have a lot of gripes. My biggest suggestion is to clean up some of the punctuation, but overall this is pretty polished and a very good story.
High stars from me. I can see this doing well here. Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi!

I'm new to the site and still trying to find my way around. I figure the best way to do that is to dig in. I read your first chapter, and I have some comments and suggestions. I'm used to critiquing on another site, so if my style of feedback isn't what you're looking for, please let me know.

Now, to start with the opening, I've gotta say it drew me right in. Your MC was likable immediately (but I like snarky, angsty characters). First person is working really well for you. Allystra's voice is engaging and fresh. She's holding in a lot of pain, but this doesn't detract from her likability.

The only drawbacks I saw in the first chapter (keep in mind it's just my opinion) was that at times the narrative slowed down a bit, and I found myself skimming over some of it. I think you could trim and tighten this, especially during the bus ride and the classroom scene. You might also trim down the introduction of so many characters--it was a bit hard to keep up with all of them. That being said, I really enjoyed this and see a lot of promise. I'll certainly continue. I'm a sucker for high school drama-type stories, and a good love story. Hoping to find a little of both here. Be back later for chapter two!

REGENESIS
This is a book which speaks to a wish in all of us; death isn’t final – so is a good concept for a story. I related to Allystra immediately (people always make fun of my name too); she’s sympathetic not only because of her name but because she’s so out of place in her school. The frog dissection scene was a good one. I think you’ll find a big young adult audience for this. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Replying to Ivan...

"I read all you've got here, Alonwi, and I should say this is one of the best books on authonomy! I enjoyed reading about Allystra/Sam relationship - reading about True Love like this is always a genuine pleasure! I would really love this book to be picked for publication by HC without all those races to the desk as it deserves being published!

I'm truly sad that the book is incomplete ... " - Ivan

You've got that right Ivan! This is one of the best on here! Great stuff! Highly enjoyable!

- Scott

I read all you've got here, Alonwi, and I should say this is one of the best books on authonomy! I enjoyed reading about Allystra/Sam relationship - reading about True Love like this is always a genuine pleasure! I would really love this book to be picked for publication by HC without all those races to the desk as it deserves being published!

I'm truly sad that the book is incomplete ...

Addictive!!! I think this is awesome!

Somewhere in chapter 1 you mention the stepdad? It confussed me - did i miss something?

This will be highly starred and backed!

Read the second chapter, as good as the first, and enjoyed this. Great YA. Only criticism-recess? Since when do teens have recess? I wished I went to that high school! Anyway, great main character. You made her believable; I feel that we know each other. Highly recommended and rated.
Dina of HOTD and BJ

Read the first chapter and enjoyed it enough to keep on my shelf and read more. Your main character is depressing, negative, insecure, and most of all, real. Could easily identify with her, and yes, words do cut deeper than physical pain. You have a good sense of the inconsiderate, childish comments that teens make and the effect that they have. Will continue to read and comment.
Dina of HOTD and BJ

sadly, ive finished this book now :( ... but i enjoyed it very much. i would love it if i could read the rest of this book if it has been completed.

firstly, i love your characters. i feel like you describe them with the perfect voice. their personalities fit and i especially like how you slowly transformed allystra from a depressed teen to a much happier teen. your writing seemed very clever in that way, because it wasnt like day and night; it happened over a period of time that made sense. i really like sam, how he seems to hate her in the beginning but then he ends up liking her; that seemed mostly natural too. sometimes when he talks though, he talks in larger paragraphs that almost make him seem more mature and older than he is. not a big deal, but i thought id mention it just because most teens would have been interupted by then or just wouldnt say that much all at once. but other than that, your dialogue doesnt feel forced or unnatural. i also really like how you described the scenes with ryan. they seemed really legit and raw, a hard thing to accomplish. the reader can feel exactly what is happening to her. another thing i thought i would point out is how accepting blakes family is of her. i just found it hard to believe that his own mother would ask her to move in with them so quickly. it seems a little unrealistic. not that its impossible because it definitly is, just that maybe it would take a little longer for her to trust someone that much so quickly.

your first couple chapters are just... amazing. probably one of the best introductions of a book i have ever seen. the pace is just perfect there. the pace slows down a bit in the middle during christmas and when she moves in with the family which doesnt have to be a bad thing but it kind of drags a bit and i think some bits could be taken out or maybe just made a bit more exciting. sams brother seems to become a more important character towards the end so maybe you could show him a bit more in the middle to make things a little more exciting. maybe he could have some kind of secret that hes hiding or something. maybe something could happen to allystra because it takes a while for her next regenesis and then bam, you have three or something being thrown at you all at once. basically what im saying is the beginning and the end of what youve posted are beyond amazing and the middle could use a bit of tightening in my opinion.

i really love this. i really do. its brilliant and breathtaking. please let me know if this is finished and if it is, if you are planning on posting more. id love to read it :)

wishing you all the best,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

Really good stuff. You paint a unique picture of isolation and have found a realistic voice for alienated youth. I also used to know a girl like Allystra so it sort of hit home. You write really well and the story flows very naturally. I particularly liked how you ended the second chapter - just as soon as the character became a little more optimisitic, her world comes instantly crashing down around her (I'm sure we've all been there). This is certainly worthy of a place on anyone's shelf. Backed and rated. All the best.

After reading the pitch I am intrigued to know more! I like the idea of the fates; adding some Greek and Roman mythology is always a plus for me in books I enjoy reading.

i really liked this. you dont see many books out there like this or many characters quite like yours. youve captured someone so unique and described them so well that i feel like im in the story. i feel so bad for her and want to reach out and help her for the things people say to her. i was relieved to see at the end of chapter one that she had some friends. i think people are going to be able to relate to your main character really well, and i have a feeling that theyll learn something along the way too. will be reading more and will try to back this as well.

melissa :)
Gut Instincts

Hello there!

So, Bragitta Shay van Rensburg/ Allonwi Carrovella, even though YA is not my genre, you managed to take me all the way to the middle of your second chapter. And your chapters are BIG.

The first thing I have to say about what I read is: Inventive. You came up with all sorts of incidents in school and I liked it. It kept it interesting. Of course I found it hard to relate to the moodiness your character was supposed to have, mostly because you *showed* the grumpy side and *told* me of her other moods. I'm not sure it's important or how it would read if you had made the effort to actually show a lighter/sweeter reaction in an encounter with someone, but it is something that stayed with me all the while, since the moment I read the sentence about her being "moody".

Up to the point I stopped it was a YA story of hidden romance, well-played, well-given, inventive and humorous at points. I wondered about the horror element you mention and I went to the pitches to read about the plot and I have to say that things were about to get messy when I stopped reading. Sorry about that, I'm sure you wanted to see if the darker side of your manuscript was as good as the opening. Alas, the genre you are writing is not one I can read for long...

Also, your dialogue is a realistic one and you use it to offer the occasional humorous break from the -a touch- depressing thoughts of Allystra (weird name indeed). Plus, the fact that her father was absent all the time, whenever she gets home is a two-sided coin: On one side we never get to see the two of them reacting, this way missing on some characterisation, and on the other his constant absence speaks for itself... Apart from one point where she "feeds her Dad" -where you probably could have expanded- he is nowhere to be seen.

All in all I think it was an interesting opening building up to explosive moments later on. It could be a beginning your readers could be hooked in -mostly females- and the only thing I would have you work on is your sentence's structure. There weren't mistakes but it all could benefit from some trimming of extra words/phrases only to make it flow better.

That's all from me :) Good luck with it.

Yannis

- Regenesis -

(Based on what I’ve read so far, which is chapters 1-3)

I’ve enjoyed this a lot – much more than I thought I would as it’s not a genre I would usually read. This comment is far too long but, generally, the more I like a book, the more I will write. I liked this a hell of a lot so I’ve ended up writing a hell of a lot. I’ve tried to make some suggestions that I think may make things even better but I have no training whatsoever as a writer and I’ve only written one book so take everything to come with a pinch of salt and a large dose of your own judgement to reject any of the more daft things I may say.

I’ll make short notes on a few things that particularly struck me as I read before going on to chapter by chapter comments.

The narrative voice:
-This is excellent. The narration is intelligent, witty and really captures the downbeat teenage angst as found in the better examples of the Ringwald oeuvre. And there are some incredibly clever and funny turns of phrase in there (‘the super Jedi cheese of the deli’ probably the standout).

The main character:
-Allystra is very likeable, for her intelligence and humour as much as for her being an outsider. By the way, Juno only had it half right: it’s not just the ‘jocks’ who lust after the quirky goth girls in high school. Pretty much all of us did it.
-Allystra’s sense of being an outsider is very strong but it’s a little harder to get a grip on her pain and to be convinced of her desire to kill herself. She talks of her pain, says she is in pain, but because we have no concrete examples of it we can’t really feel it with her. I wondered for a while at how this could be worked in. At first, I thought it could be done by going into more detail about the absentee mother and the jerk father. But I’m not convinced of that; I kind of like the way those two are notable by their absence and hanging over the story like that. Next, I wondered about some more obvious, physical reactions to show the pain – having her cry or something like that. Finally, I thought it could be effective if Allystra were to have attempted suicide before and if she briefly described that, why she did it and how she felt when it failed. There is a fairly reasonably chance I’m talking out of my arse in all this though so feel free to ignore everything here. I am a complete novice as a writer myself so I don’t claim to be imparting any great wisdom here.

The editing:
-A minor point I know, but I was impressed at how well-edited this all is. Very smooth with typos and the like very thin on the ground.

Chapter 1
-I didn’t actually intend to read this when I first began. I was curious so thought I’d skim through the first few paragraphs but I got caught up and had read the whole thing before I realized what was going on. As such, I didn’t take any notes or anything like that. I remember though being very impressed by the voice and reminded of all my favourite teen shows and films. All the classic scenes for the jungle of teen life to play out on are there – the school bus, the cafeteria, the classroom and that splitting of social groupings that always seems to go on in these cases is there too. Even though these things have been done before, we see them through a different lens in Regenesis, a darker and more pain-filled one than usual but there is enough humour in there not to make this a depressing read at all.

Chapter 2
-Ok, so here I had my head in the game and started to take notes.
-An impressive literary flourish in the second paragraph shows the writer’s range is by no means limited to the discontented teenage voice we’ve had so far.
-‘and took my solitary seat at the back and waited for Ryan’. Too many ‘ands made the rhythm of the sentence a little difficult.
-The school as ‘the only place I felt at home’? This confused me as she didn’t seem at all at home there.
-I was very impressed by some of the sharp characterization throughout here. In the description of Cherry Lynn, for instance, I had a very strong image of a living, breathing bitch of a character after just a few sentences.
-‘Geeves’. Should be ‘Jeeves’.
-‘The shoes alone cost more than I could justify spending on a pair of heels.’ This sentence doesn’t really make sense.
-‘she said explanatorily.’ The adverb really has to go. It’s obvious that she’s explaining here anyway. Or were you being ironic here? If you were then it’s actually quite funny and I am something of a dumbass.
-I liked Allystra’s reaction to the guy in the club trying to grind up against her. It showed more of her pain and distance from other people. I began to think here that I would like her to be thinking more about her suicide, as it’s so imminent. Perhaps she wouldn’t be in all that much emotional turmoil. From what I’ve read, many who have made up their minds to kill themselves feel a kind of mild elation or calm afterwards. Allystra could have this too and it would explain her willingness to go clubbing and enjoy herself even though her planned death isn’t far off. I think we would need to know about this state of mind though.
-‘I was nervous and very excited by this attractive stranger.’ Here the reader really needs to feel Allystra’s nerves and excitement. We don’t get that through being told she feels this way, we need to get it by feeling her heart beat, her pulse racing, the cold sweat coming out of her etc.
-The whole scene with the masked man is fantastic. The ‘boy/girl’ dialogue is just great. In fact, the dialogue throughout is wonderful. Clever, witty and funny.
-‘It feels too wired making out….’ Should be ‘weird’.
-Allystra’s goodbye speech to Lily is very good as we know what’s coming. I wasn’t sure whether it needed to be highlighted by having Lily tell her to stop speaking in the past tense as I thought the meaning of it all was obvious – and cleverly executed – anyway. But maybe leaving it out would be too subtle for a YA readership. I don’t know anything in that area so I’m very much just thinking out loud here.
-I began to wonder whether Allystra should begin to have second thoughts about suicide after her experience with Sam – if she were put into that turmoil before the news of the accident finally brings her down on the side of death, I think that would be more effective.
-The suicide scene is very powerful and well executed. I was actually shaking a little as I read that.

Chapter 3:
-The dialogue at the very start is excellent.
-Why does she have Ryan’s phone number? This didn’t seem to make sense as they’re from such widely different social circles. There could be a reason for it of course, maybe she saw it on someone else’s phone and copied it down, indulging her infatuation for him by thinking of calling many times but never actually doing it, but I think the reader does need that explanation for things to make sense.
-The scene where she predicts all the orders is excellent, which reminds me – the ‘tip’ scene in the previous chapter was fantastic in showing that humiliation and seething powerlessness that can often afflict a teenager.
-When they arrive at Cabona for the second time, I began to wonder why Allystra wasn’t thinking, stressing much about stopping the accident. It’s dealt with later on – and dealt with fantastically in a very exciting scene – but I think it needs to be her mission from the get go, so that there’s suspense hanging over things. Will she be able to stop it or won’t she? How does she plan to do it and what spanners in the works come up to make it more difficult and ratchet up the excitement?
-‘greeted me friendily enough.’ ‘Friendily’ is a very cumbersome adverb and the sentence would run a lot more smoothly were it replaced with something like ‘cordially’.

I hope my nitpicking and suggestions haven’t detracted/distracted from the fact that I thought this an excellent read – because I really do. It’s one of the most entertaining books I’ve read on the site and I wish you all the best with it.

Ross

I just finished your book - couldn't put it down - it had everything I like even from a subjecy type i usually avoid but having read the comments I had to try it.
Great writing - and deserves a much wider audience.
Tony

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. An intriguing main character. Excellent deep point of view. Clever wit. Good descriptions. Good tension. Believable angst. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) ' ... blue-eyed, angelic darlings that stare at you from beneath ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that for objects. Use 'who' for people.
2) 'It was done and well reseached.' Hyphenate 'well researched.'
3) 'BLEEP!' No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics to emphasize words. There are more cases of writing in all caps.
4) 'I felt groggy like I did every other day.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the feeling so the reader can experience the feeling along with Allystra. This will pull the reader deeper into your story.
5) My teacher smiled pleasantly at me, "Looks interesting." Period after 'me.' Same thing with 'He recovered from his shock and scowled menacingly at me,' Period after 'me.' The only time a sentence preceding dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when that sentence is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Neither of these sentences are dialogue tags, so they should be punctuated with a period. There are many more cases of narrative sentences before dialogue being punctuated with a comma when a period is appropriate.
6) Start a new paragraph with 'He took a step toward me.' Each time you shift focus to a different character, start a new paragraph.
7) 'he put something in a bag on our desk.' Capitalize 'he.' There are more cases of the first word in a sentence not being capitalized.
8) "I want you to make the first incision ............. " When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more dots is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with thirteen dots. You don't want that.
9) "Hey Darth Vader!" Comma after 'hey.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where people's names/titles are not offset in dialogue.
10) "They're so stupid ... just ignore them." Lilly said. Comma after 'them.' 'Lilly said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and let me know what you think?

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Ch2
I finally came back for more. Apols for taking so long.
The second graph and, esp, the final graph are really strong.
I was engaged from start to finish, because your writing is fresh and lively.
There were three well drawn versions of the narrator in this chapter: the perceptive, intelligent and highly sensitive intellectual observing life from the perspective of a manic upswing; the wannabe normal teen getting dolled up like a barbie and doing normal stuff; and finally the ruthlessly suicide seeking escape from terrible disappointment which is deepened by the earlier glimpses of happiness derived from viewing the world as a potentially pleasant place and then the physical sampling of excitement with Sam.
There is wit and sadness. Eating a frozen sausage in a loveless house seems to have both. And the contrast of a black and black goth and the canary yellow dress is funny. The contrast between the absent father and the neighbourhood graffiti and the Jimmy Choos, the Bentley and the swimming pools is total. Maybe the two domesitc setting are the real estate manifestations of the goth vs barbie views of life. Parents are noticably absent from both.
The embarrasment in the early 'swamp creature' garphs was strong. And the bubble gum routine of clubbing was just routine teen night life. Indeed, the very ordinaryness of the evening -- even though it was quite a night -- was totally dominated by the very strong ending when everything goes dark, dark, dark. It is tremendously sad that the first taste of happiness ends badly. This suggests that life is not good, that joy and hope will be snuffed out. It's intelligent writing and emotional.

Ok now its your turn.

Billy M.

Hi

I said I'd stop by. Sly 80 makes some good points, so I'll not repeat them.
Thus far I've read the first chapter. You have left me with no choice but to come back as soon as I can and read the rest - it is too promising to leave alone.

It is half a century since I was much the desolate, isolated, death-desiring child so closely parallelled in your writing, but I remember it vividly and there is not a word, not an echo in your writing that jars with what I remember. That's quite an achievement for any writer.

I'm starring this highly, even now, and if the next few chapters are anything like the quality of the first, Regenesis will very soon be on my bookshelf.

Best wishes,
Richard
Mademoiselle from Armentieres

Hi

I said I'd stop by. Sly 80 makes some good points, so I'll not repeat them.
Thus far I've read the first chapter. You have left me with no choice but to come back as soon as I can and read the rest - it is too promising to leave alone.

It is half a century since I was much the desolate, isolated, death-desiring child so closely parallelled in your writing, but I remember it vividly and there is not a word, not an echo in your writing that jars with what I remember. That's quite an achievement for any writer.

I'm starring this highly, even now, and if the next few chapters are anything like the quality of the first, Regenesis will very soon be on my bookshelf.

Best wishes,
Richard
Mademoiselle from Armentieres

Awesome Story! Kept me curious throughout, and that's not easy to do. I honestly think this book deserves a spot on the editors desk. I will back this week!

Bragitta,
Just finished chapter one of your book and I know i'm going to love reading it all. And so i shall :)
Maria x

REGENESIS,

Bragitta,
From reading Chapter One I find this is an amazing and authentic read. Sure I would edit to make it crisper but that is all. The character is fabulous, and her concerns speak to an age.
I have five starred the book and put it on my WL.
Will read more and get it on my shelf.
a zoomer

How totally wonderful, you are, Bragitta!! :) Thank you so very much for again backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm #5 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

An excellent 'voice' perfect for the character (and avoids the first-person trap of excessive 'I's). Allystra has a real down on herself and the rest of the world - 'He always made me feel ... enough. Adequate'. She does have a wicked line in sarcasm though - 'I assumed you'd seen your reflection'. Still, those black thoughts keep returning with the ages-old questions that morose teenagers discover afresh - 'Why be born ... to die, anyway?'

Sam is actually not so bad as she thinks - he's just reacting to the way she behaves. I'd go so far as to even suggest a mutual attraction of the love-hate variety. So she dresses in black as a form of hiding - I love the transformation that Lilly brings about. What's betting on who the masked guy is? Hm, thought so. 'One night change my life?' it did, but not for long. Things are about to truly nosedive.

This has everything going for it: plot, characters, dialogue, writing, originality. It has a level of quality that would be impressive in anyone, let alone someone of your age. To me, Regenisis is almost of publishable level (a few editing suggestions below) and would be very popular with the target audience. I'd like to see what HC would say about this, so I'm putting you on my shortlist for backing. Meanwhile, I'll give the novel a very high rating. I also hope you are thinking of submitting this to agents once you feel it is ready.

Possible nits: 'at this [that] present moment in time', to avoid the change in tense. 'top of the wrung' is that deliberate rather than 'the top rung'? 'I woke up feeling as close to excited as I was capable at this present moment in time' - 'present moment in time' again - it is a phrase to avoid like the plague. 'The sky was ... today' - avoid tense shift by omitting 'today' or replacing with 'that morning'. 'chocked [choked] the sky'. 'AAAAAAAAA...etc.' maybe not quite so long. 'trucker passed [past] Main Street'. You might consider not giving too many tactical details on the suicide process - I'd have liked a bit more emotional build up between the news and this.

I was surprised when I read this as it is extrememyl good. An excellent beginning and caught my attention at once. I like your character Allystra, very believable. Backed on a reccommendation
Highly starred
G Way

Fantastic idea for a novel... it really got me interested. I haven't had the time to read very much but I can describe the beginning in one word... captivating!
Backed, with pleasure!
Best wishes
Suzy
Raven / Forever Fredless

You're 18 and you wrote this in 3 months! Is there no justice in the world?
Seriously though I am very impressed with the quality of the opening chapter, which is as far as I've got so far. The narative is compelling and the characters come to life instantly. You say you have yet to fine tune, but I think there is nothing to change. It is first class. I get edgy when I see an author is very young. Probably think what my writing was like at that age, but you have a future in literature.
First draft!! I must have done 50..... oh the pain.
Good luck with it.

objectively: written with the angst and horror and emotional upheaval that tragedies like this occur. evocative and realistic.

subjectively: it hit close to home for me. you hit every emotional button experienced by a sufferer of rape and near rape have. the numbness, the anger, the coldness, the terror, everything.

would definitely tag it rape for those who don't like to read about it.

me

Hi Bragitta

I'm enjoying your story. At first I thought your first chapter was a bit unremittingly grim, but then I remembered what it was like to be a teenager and decided that this would actually resonate pretty well with your intended audience! Your writing is great, flows smoothly and pulls the reader in. I love the premise of your tale, too.

Amanda

i've read all seven chapters and all i have to say is WOW! this was an amazing read. i didn't know it was set in america until almost the chapter 5 or 6. it was only then when you were talking about fresno, california that i realized it. i guess what threw me was the missing americanisms. this isn't a crititism (can't spell it but you get my drift) i love the book as is, and i wouldn't change it. i love the flow of your words. tributes instead of credits. i think your way is beautiful.

my only question, is there more? okay, i have another. is the supernatural element coming back? it had me intrigued. is ryan going to become a problem? alright that's three questions. =D

oh yeah, there was a misused word and a cassy that needs capitalizing somewhere, but was too into the story to make note of where they were. which is kudos for you!

me

You have strong read here, with insight, and emotional content—all of which, taken on the whole, makes for a compelling narrative. I enjoyed it very much, but it needs some polishing in my opinion.

Loneliness. Pain. Two words that seem synonymous with life. There is a silver lining in the knowledge that I am feeling—something. Isolated. The word describes me well: a confined mind, alone in a crowd, unloved by the world. Isolated.


Your story is strong—but your prose is a bit wordy at times. The first paragraph starts with a serviceable and rather strong reflective voice—however, in the second paragraph and subsequent paragraphs; you let that voice descend into an angst-ridden collage of awkward expression. Remember flow is everything. The three most important parts of a book is 1) flow, 2) flow and 3) the story.


…couldn’t I at least have been born into a somewhat reasonable lifestyle?

This is an example of overly elongated and awkward expression. A more fluid prose is called for. Listen to the music of your words and eliminate every false note. Remember to count syllables, not words, when considering you the meter and rhythm of your story. I realize this is young adult fiction, but that does not mean you cannot aspire to a somewhat elevated tone. Dialogue is the best place for character building slang, mannerisms, and other speech patterns and/or traits. With the rolling angst in your narration you risk reducing your message to sophomoric poetry; so be careful and try not to exaggerate an overly crude voice into the narration.


This was a very compelling read and enjoyed it very much. You are a wonderful writier. Goodluck with your book. I enjoyed your profile also, and wanted to say goodluck with the other things you want to do in life also. I will read more soon. Please read some of my book when you have time and let me know what you think. Take care.



blueboy

This was a solid beginning. I like what I read thus far. I love the title of your story also, catchy. I initially thought your backstory at the beginning wasn't working but some how - it did. Poor kid. Makes you want everything to work out for her but you know already from reading the synopsis that it won't -not right away at least and that fact with your great detail propel the reader on.

Angie s.

REGENESIS: Bragitta Shay van Rensburg

Hi Bragitta,
There is something rather earthy and sharp about the way you phrase your words...coupled with honesty perhaps but it seems to stick on a beat that I find hard to resist. Very well written and certainly commands my attention - your female character seems attractive enough, bearing a resolution that is hard to ignore despite her claims of falling short in being classified a beauty. She is quite the female I must say! What is of course important is creating the resonance for your first opening chapter which I must say really works well here.

I am quite sure you have quite a book in the making and I wish you well. Hope you get a chance to peek into Forgetting Sally and give me your thoughts.

Kind Regards,
Romilla
Forgetting Sally

Your characters, writing and style are all really good and your opening chapter has really drawn me in.
If I was you I'd have a go at trying a version where this chapter is really chopped at.
For example, try getting from the opening sentence to the bus scene in half the space. I'm not sure if it would work but I think it is worth a go. What you have now is really nice but i think you could speed up the process of being thrown into the story. You explain what her school friends think about her, but I think we find that out anyway with how they react, later on.
I wish you the best of luck with it.
Good job!
:-)

Braggita,
Your style is clear, and suited to Young Adult. It is lovely to read. You clearly have a good command of the language. The pitch is excellent, and draws you in, maybe too much information in the long pitch. Your character Allystra is character that anyone can root for. It is easy to feel empathic as a reader. Your plot is intriguing, because right from the start, we know that something is going to happen to either this girl or someone she cares for ......

Backed.

Well done
Marilyn

Hey Brag! Have backed on Rudys behalf :):)

This is a brilliant book. The first chapter alone captivates the reader and leaves them wanting more. Allystra - super name, super character - she is so pertinent and I could empathise with her totally. I live in a very different world and have a very different background to Allystra but I can still remember the feeling of inadequacy and isolation from my own school days (not the happiest time of my life). I cannot but back this book, for me it has everything I like in a novel, good character, strong storyline and accessible writing.

P.S. having read Ch1 I felt your story was bossing my curiosity. I wld, and in due course will, read on. Maybe this comment is more important that all the outher junk I spouted.

Greetings from Lunnon ... i finally got round to having a read. I like it. One of the joys of this place is reading things one might never look at otherwise. Looking at the the pitch I might have thought the story was not one that wld appeal to me. But, but... i took a look and I enjoyed what I have read so far. I think it is the voice and character the insight into a generation other than my own. Above all I enjoyed the writing, some of the dabs. You made me smirk more than once. I like the goth perspective. '...the whold straight teeth, blond, blue-eyed, angelic darlings that stare at you from beneath a frings of dark lashes.' i do like that description of the stereotypical rich kid from the burbs. I like the wit of 'I bet on the one on the far left.' I also like the mischief of '...and with the familiar sounds of my life, I fell quietly asleep.' At this point I was thinking, she handles words well and knows what she is doing. Can see the '...fishnet arm warmers...' which are as much an attitude as a piece of Camden garb. Really like 'my portal from Sucksville into the realm of misery.' O you are arch! You then paint the isolation very well... 'no one willingly sat next to me -- but I got over it.' Love 'the super Jedi cheese of the deli...' Ach, and then the dreamboat Ryan McCormack, damn him. I shall have to listen to Escape the Fate. Ach, so much in one word, 'Sorry.' 'Twitched in the approximation of a smile' is good wording. And I confess I laughed at the malice of '...alone with the gorgon.' Evil bastards! Like '...wounds which festered and never fully healed, leaving livid mental and emotional scars with painful, raw edges.' Very strong that dab is I say. 'Sometimes words hurt more than physical pain,' is very wise and true. Ach, but you are still signed up to the whole 'If only i was in the same spere as him...' Juliet dreaminess. I hated my name so do I ... Ron Askew ... I mean it just sucks, the Portugese equivalent is Ronaldo Ascosa *bows*. The Italian might be Rinaldo Oblequante. Alas, Ron Askew is my lot. More isolation with 'I saw everyone rush into pairs...' A prelude to the mating game? 'They stared balefully at me...actually I felt sorry for them.' Acute awareness there. And now to my favourite part namely the whole sheep's heart scene. Everything about it is masterfully witty. I love it. Tis brilliant...the gloves, the goggles... And the wonderfully arch way you despise him yet say '...he was gorgeous.' Damn life!. 'I slid the heart across the desk,' sooooo symbolic, in that we are all sheep in our slavery to love. I approve of the Hardy dab, it countered the gonna and the kinda at the start of the chapter. Sorry to go all snooty. But you gotta admit you write proper diction and not street. Also Hardy is just right as he was a bit of a goth himself, being a gloomy uber realist as well as a dreamy poet. Your dismount at the end of the chapter is strong. I like those last five paragraphs which show an intelligent appraisal for the way things can often seem. Something in you might crave the drop-dead Ryan, but the higher part of you clearly sees another face of life. Well done. You engaged me, amused me, and made me think. BACKED with pleasure. Ron

Stark, eye-catching cover which fits your book perfectly. Your short pitch is good, but perhaps gives too much away? - I would perhaps take the last paragraph out & leave more for the reader to discover in your main submission. Your book is well-presented & professionally written & you kept my interest throughout. Best wishes - Paula Barrett (Cuthbert: How mean is my valley?)

Done with chapter one, sorry it took a long while to do that, it's because of our heavy college workload and the several reads I'm supposed to return. I found your story very emotional and touching, your style will appeal to most young adults, more so American ones. Nice one, and keep up the good work. Backed with utmost pleasure even for the second time.

REGENESIS
The plot here is taken with a skilled hand and we have a well crafted novel as the result. Excellent characterisations and your writing is assured. I believe this shows a lot of promise.
Good luck Already backed this a week or so ago.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Wow...I love this! The pitch had me from the start. I normally don't read too many "young adult" novels, being that I'm approaching 30, but when I do read them, this is the exact kind of book I like. Very well-written, and as I said the pitch is definitely attention grabbing. The dialogue is tightly-woven and I love that it's in 1st person. It sort of gives it more of a personal touch. Shelved with pleasure. Good luck!

~Lilly S. Rowland
Ring Around the Murder (not yet live)

Very, very intriguing story!! A lots of described emotions and feelings, which is really perfect! :)
I gotta say, I love it! Definitely backed! I like the way you describe things, not too hard to read, but not too simple either..

Keep it up! :)

- Robert Eetheart