DANNY MURPHY

Hi Phil,

I've finally managed to make enough time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Ahhh I recognise this. I've read your book before. I'm looking forward to reading your work now. ;)

Chapter 1: Shocking start. I almost gasped. I thought this was just a regular sex scene until Danny grabbed that bag and shoved it over her head. This guy's clearly a psycho!

I've a little suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more vivid if you wrote in a more direct way. eg "I have her wrists pinned to the ground with my left hand whilst my right hand twists the bag tightly around her neck." feels a little roundabout+ disconnected. I think something like "I pin her wrists to the ground with one hand and twist the bag around her neck with the other..." would be more direct and immediate. :)

Reading on... Phew I thought he was trying to kill her. I didn't realise they were just doing the old asphyxiation sex thing. Hmmm the precision with regards to time says a lot about Danny's character. He's clearly the obsessive type. Coupled with the extreme thing he just did, that's scary, brrr.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, generally, it's best to avoid adverbs as a strong verb almost always does a better job than a verb-adverb pair. eg in “I gently stroke her cheek..." the verb describes the action perfectly, so I think the adverb's not needed at all. I'd suggest simply “I stroke her cheek...". I only ever use an adverb when there isn’t a verb that completely describes the meaning I want to convey. Increasingly, I think a large part of writing comes down to just picking verbs. ;)

Reading on... i feel a chill when Danny asks if she trusts him. What's he planning now? I dread to think. Wow shocking end to the chapter. It came like a slap in the face. Danny really must be a killer, and a cold, calculated 1.

Chapter 2: More insight into the way Danny thinks with the categorised label stuff. He's obviously v organised and methodical. In a way, that's scarier than a psychotic killer who murders in a fury. Seems like Danny's the sort who could slip unnoticed through society. The sort who you wouldn't even know was a killer until he was breathing down your neck. Chilling.

I'm in shock when I learn Mary Jo's the 14th victim. This guy's a serial killer. Interesting that he "tests" his subjects. It implies he has some sort of twisted morality. It's as if he's justifying the killings to himself as they're unworthy to live. I'm not surprised he doesn't seem to be a suspect yet. As I said earlier, his methodical nature and seeming ordinariness would help him just slip under the radar. Good and meaningful name for the murderer, by the way. The Bagman's perfectly fitting. ;)

Uh oh looks like he meets another possible victim in the lift. I blinked when she grabbed his ear. Talk about the wrong person to risk offending! looks like they actually did used to know each other. Hmmm ...I wonder, will this make Danny more or less likely to see her as a victim? We'll soon see, I'm sure.

I've a small suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to lead off with dialogue as it reads quicker and easier that way. eg instead of "She laughs at me and makes a grab for my ear again, saying, "Oh come on, Spud..." " I'd write something like " "Oh come on, Spud, you know you like it." She laughs at me..."

Reading on... Really surreal scene. I almost laughed out loud. It's on a par with somebody trying to tickle Hannibal Lecter ;). Finally Danny remembers her. He doesn't seem happy about the fact. Was his childhood miserable, perhaps? After all, serial killers aren't exactly the best adjusted people in the world. Maybe he was damaged when he was young.

After she's gone, Danny's mindset's v interesting. Plenty of paranoia and aggression. A taster of what leads him to kill. Yup, it looks as if he resolves to kill her and her friends. There are hints his childhood really was tormented. The memory involving Hazel's v hurtful and nasty. kids can be so cruel and vicious, can't they? :(

1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "she had a look of amazement on her face..." is you telling the reader a fact. If, instead, you wrote something like "She just stood there staring at me, eyes wide..." you'd be showing the reader evidence of amazement. The reader can then infer the meaning for themself. I think it's sometimes a mistake to spoonfeed readers by telling them too much. Showing them things and letting them draw their own conclusions should actively involve them in your story more. ;)

Reading on... Ah Danny seems to have had a physically abusive father too. He gets a serious beating. I'd feel sorry for him if I didn't know of the unforgivable acts he'll commit in the future :(. He really had no way out back then, did he? :(

Chapter 3: A storm's coming, possibly in more ways than 1 ;). And Danny's in disguise. Ominous. Ah seems as if he's hunting 1 of the kids who made his life a misery: Melissa. Again, we learn of his meticulous planning and ruthlessness in the chloroforming of the kids. Scary. He almost seems to be enjoying watching the mounting chaos his actions have instigated.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to avoid "filtering" words such as feel/see etc because they place the character slightly in the way of the reader. eg in "I see Melissa run from her caravan..." you're telling the reader about Danny seeing something. If, instead, you wrote something like "Melissa runs from her caravan..." the reader would get to share the experience with the character direct. I think such an approach could be more involving.

Reading on... Melissa seems hysterical. No wonder. Hmmm looks like Danny's enacting the next stage of his plan. Why's he going to the beach, I wonder? He seems surprised to find Melissa there. A lucky break for him. Heartlessly, he uses fake news of her kids to lure her into a cave. Wow I can't believe he buried them and got the mother to dig them out. Danny really is a monster. Yes he suffered as a child, but nothing forgives this act.

Hmmm it's interesting to see how he attacks Melissa. This time we get a glimpse of the rage that's normally buried beneath his organised persona. Chiiling. His arousal after the act's especially disturbing. He really is twisted, isn't he? The text message at the chapter end hammers home just how vindictive he is. Powerful and sickening. Wow.

OK I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. Sorry, I think I got carried away by your story. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with tension. Danny's a remarkable central character, scary in his organisation and vindictiveness. Terrifying in his rage. His past is pitiful, and yet should we really be sympathising with a man who does such terrible things? ;)

I think your writing style really helps draw the reader in. You've written this book in a way so it's readable and fast paced. Short paragraphs. short chapters. And, best of all, killer hooks at the end of each chapter to make sure the reader has to read on and find out what new developments your book has in store. ;)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete

Phil, I'm here at the behest of Jane Alexander and Shubie Richmond. A book very much in 'my' genre and I'm immediately intrigued by both title and pitch. I'd make a tentative suggestion to omit the final two lines. 'the most enthusiastic reader of this genre' feels awkward to me. As with any implied criticism, it's only intended as an observation - it's your book.

The prologue. Ah, the vexed question of prologues. For some, make that many, they are an abomination. My own book recently on this site has a prologue. I deemed it essential, a notch above necessary. I don't see your prologue as either essential or even necessary. I can see why you've included it, but wonder if it would be better used as a back-cover blurb. The concern over its inclusion is heightened by the first 'real' chapter, here as chapter two, being such an outstanding introduction to the main character and the nature of the book. Make that your opening chapter, please!

Just a couple of areas in that chapter - 'my hand is holding her wrists tightly' - omit 'is' if you're keeping it as a single sentence. Tighter.

'six o' three pm' - this really grates. 'Three minutes past six' is so much better. In a similiar vein, the end of the chapter would be stronger without the 'p.m.' detail - perhaps, ' Mary Jo will be dead in precisely fifteen minutes.'

'Edward Munch' - should be 'Edvard Munch's' The Scream.

I started making notes on punctuation issues, gave up after a while. I now see Jane, a far better technical writer than myself, has made a similiar observation. If it's a style issue, fair enough. I'll not attempt to impose an approved system on a fellow writer. I suspect, you need to check the punctuation carefully. For me, far too many instances of misplaced commas, particularly in lengthy sentences. Perhaps a full stop; new sentence would be preferable?

I loved the end of chapter four. The self-justification of your MC for his dreadful deeds is well done. We may not agree with him, even allowing for the instances of bullying in his youth, but he believes them to be justified and that comes across well.

In Chapter five, listed as six, the dialogue between the policemen, the Chief Superintendent in particular, comes across as stilted. This may well be intentional, displaying pomposity, but if so it appeared excessive. A crucial area for me came to the fore in this chapter. There's a solution, a reason for the murders, under discussion. I would have preffered the police to remain in the dark, blunder around, not seeing what the reader already knows, for a while longer. Chapter five is too soon for them to be so firmly on the trail. An opinion. Nothing more.

One final observation: the bold text. I wonder if it's necessary.

You have created a monster in Danny. A believable monster. He's a great character, riven with flaws yet living a normal life outside the areas where his distorted view of history prompts extreme actions. The sections where he is 'on screen' to borrow a cinematic reference, are outstanding.

I'm not quite so convinced by Hazel, but that may change as her character develops. There is much to applaud here. I'm impressed by your imagination and ability to express the thought processes of a deranged person. That isn't easy and you manage it very well.

I'll be putting this on my shelf at my next reshuffle and watching its progress with interest.

Jake

This is an incredible story and I enjoyed it more than it would be proper to admit. ;)

This has one of the only prologues I’ve ever read that I enjoyed. Most of the time, I think they can be deleted, or seem contrived, but yours had a nice tempo to it, with a voice that lured me in. After reading it, I thought, “Oh, yes; I want to read more.”

I like the title—the name Danny Murphy—it has a nice tone to it and it kind of rolls out of the mouth in a memorable way.

I loved your first chapter. I believe that a reader should be hooked in and you’ve accomplished that. It’s a dirty, sexy chapter and I was captivated. It was very easy to visualize the scene in my head and nothing jarred me out of it. The book has very clear and succinct descriptions that work well with the book’s pace. I liked how you showed the inner-workings and precision of a serial killer—as they are very precise in what they do. I’m also a fan of short chapters for this type of book, as it helps to support the quick pace.

I already like Danny, despite the fact he’s a killer. By chapter 6, even though I’ve seen Hazel’s more humane side, I already dislike her from the elevator, so I’m anxious to read of her demise. The characterization is going well so far. I don’t feel invested in the ones that are quickly killed, but their little nuances are quite interesting to read.

I wanted to leave you a comment now, as I’m half-way through it, but I’m definitely finishing the rest of this one.
Best of luck with this book!

Phil,
Well, this is certainly unique. Pitch and prologue couldn't fail to hook. Then ch1 and I'm thinking okay, we have a major weirdo here, but then you turn it on it's head and despite knowing what he's done and how he thinks, I'm sympathising with his awful childhood and thinking yeah, revenge why not? Back to whacko again with the slaughtered kids, and to be honest I think this is what makes this work stand out, the way that you leave the reader totally unsettled by Danny and his self justification for what he does. He's not you're standard leading man is he! The writing itself is excellent, as is the pace. And the tension and suspense crank up as Danny plays his games. By the end of ch4 I'm finding him quite abhorrent, but addictive nonetheless. He's got to be stopped, but who's going to be clever enough to do it? finding out is what will keep people reading.
Best of luck with this.

Babs

Hi Phil,

I've finally managed to make enough time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Ahhh I recognise this. I've read your book before. I'm looking forward to reading your work now. ;)

Chapter 1: Shocking start. I almost gasped. I thought this was just a regular sex scene until Danny grabbed that bag and shoved it over her head. This guy's clearly a psycho!

I've a little suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more vivid if you wrote in a more direct way. eg "I have her wrists pinned to the ground with my left hand whilst my right hand twists the bag tightly around her neck." feels a little roundabout+ disconnected. I think something like "I pin her wrists to the ground with one hand and twist the bag around her neck with the other..." would be more direct and immediate. :)

Reading on... Phew I thought he was trying to kill her. I didn't realise they were just doing the old asphyxiation sex thing. Hmmm the precision with regards to time says a lot about Danny's character. He's clearly the obsessive type. Coupled with the extreme thing he just did, that's scary, brrr.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, generally, it's best to avoid adverbs as a strong verb almost always does a better job than a verb-adverb pair. eg in “I gently stroke her cheek..." the verb describes the action perfectly, so I think the adverb's not needed at all. I'd suggest simply “I stroke her cheek...". I only ever use an adverb when there isn’t a verb that completely describes the meaning I want to convey. Increasingly, I think a large part of writing comes down to just picking verbs. ;)

Reading on... i feel a chill when Danny asks if she trusts him. What's he planning now? I dread to think. Wow shocking end to the chapter. It came like a slap in the face. Danny really must be a killer, and a cold, calculated 1.

Chapter 2: More insight into the way Danny thinks with the categorised label stuff. He's obviously v organised and methodical. In a way, that's scarier than a psychotic killer who murders in a fury. Seems like Danny's the sort who could slip unnoticed through society. The sort who you wouldn't even know was a killer until he was breathing down your neck. Chilling.

I'm in shock when I learn Mary Jo's the 14th victim. This guy's a serial killer. Interesting that he "tests" his subjects. It implies he has some sort of twisted morality. It's as if he's justifying the killings to himself as they're unworthy to live. I'm not surprised he doesn't seem to be a suspect yet. As I said earlier, his methodical nature and seeming ordinariness would help him just slip under the radar. Good and meaningful name for the murderer, by the way. The Bagman's perfectly fitting. ;)

Uh oh looks like he meets another possible victim in the lift. I blinked when she grabbed his ear. Talk about the wrong person to risk offending! looks like they actually did used to know each other. Hmmm ...I wonder, will this make Danny more or less likely to see her as a victim? We'll soon see, I'm sure.

I've a small suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to lead off with dialogue as it reads quicker and easier that way. eg instead of "She laughs at me and makes a grab for my ear again, saying, "Oh come on, Spud..." " I'd write something like " "Oh come on, Spud, you know you like it." She laughs at me..."

Reading on... Really surreal scene. I almost laughed out loud. It's on a par with somebody trying to tickle Hannibal Lecter ;). Finally Danny remembers her. He doesn't seem happy about the fact. Was his childhood miserable, perhaps? After all, serial killers aren't exactly the best adjusted people in the world. Maybe he was damaged when he was young.

After she's gone, Danny's mindset's v interesting. Plenty of paranoia and aggression. A taster of what leads him to kill. Yup, it looks as if he resolves to kill her and her friends. There are hints his childhood really was tormented. The memory involving Hazel's v hurtful and nasty. kids can be so cruel and vicious, can't they? :(

1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "she had a look of amazement on her face..." is you telling the reader a fact. If, instead, you wrote something like "She just stood there staring at me, eyes wide..." you'd be showing the reader evidence of amazement. The reader can then infer the meaning for themself. I think it's sometimes a mistake to spoonfeed readers by telling them too much. Showing them things and letting them draw their own conclusions should actively involve them in your story more. ;)

Reading on... Ah Danny seems to have had a physically abusive father too. He gets a serious beating. I'd feel sorry for him if I didn't know of the unforgivable acts he'll commit in the future :(. He really had no way out back then, did he? :(

Chapter 3: A storm's coming, possibly in more ways than 1 ;). And Danny's in disguise. Ominous. Ah seems as if he's hunting 1 of the kids who made his life a misery: Melissa. Again, we learn of his meticulous planning and ruthlessness in the chloroforming of the kids. Scary. He almost seems to be enjoying watching the mounting chaos his actions have instigated.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to avoid "filtering" words such as feel/see etc because they place the character slightly in the way of the reader. eg in "I see Melissa run from her caravan..." you're telling the reader about Danny seeing something. If, instead, you wrote something like "Melissa runs from her caravan..." the reader would get to share the experience with the character direct. I think such an approach could be more involving.

Reading on... Melissa seems hysterical. No wonder. Hmmm looks like Danny's enacting the next stage of his plan. Why's he going to the beach, I wonder? He seems surprised to find Melissa there. A lucky break for him. Heartlessly, he uses fake news of her kids to lure her into a cave. Wow I can't believe he buried them and got the mother to dig them out. Danny really is a monster. Yes he suffered as a child, but nothing forgives this act.

Hmmm it's interesting to see how he attacks Melissa. This time we get a glimpse of the rage that's normally buried beneath his organised persona. Chiiling. His arousal after the act's especially disturbing. He really is twisted, isn't he? The text message at the chapter end hammers home just how vindictive he is. Powerful and sickening. Wow.

OK I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. Sorry, I think I got carried away by your story. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with tension. Danny's a remarkable central character, scary in his organisation and vindictiveness. Terrifying in his rage. His past is pitiful, and yet should we really be sympathising with a man who does such terrible things? ;)

I think your writing style really helps draw the reader in. You've written this book in a way so it's readable and fast paced. Short paragraphs. short chapters. And, best of all, killer hooks at the end of each chapter to make sure the reader has to read on and find out what new developments your book has in store. ;)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete

Disturbing opening chapter, in all the right ways. I get the impression Mary Jo has made a horrible, horrible mistake in not getting out of there. Danny is a very meticulous killer; I like the fact that he doesn't explode into outright cruelty straight away - but we know it's there. I don't think you pull any punches here, and it's as disturbing as it needs to be.

P

The opening chapter nearly turned me away. I don't like books that start with sex, it's just a personal thing I have. I only read on to get a feel for the rest of the book because I want to give things a chance. In regards to the first chapter, it does its job. It pulls the reader in. It is a great hook and, as we all know, sex sells. For me, personally, it was too much.

I thought the woman's reaction in the opening chapter after having a bag put on her head wasn't realistic. I kept thinking, if this was me...if this was me...if this was me...Of course, Mary Jo isn't me and I realize, perhaps, a woman with less of a backbone, more meek and mild would maybe act the way she did. I would not.

As I read on, I found Danny very believable as the serial killer. He is flawed and normal and horrifying all in the same breath. In chapter four I got to know Hazel more and I must say, i don't really like her. She doesn't jive with me and I found myself hoping a brutal and quick end for her. I would read on but I am heading out. And I've read enough to know that the writing is clean, concise, and not riddled with backstory. Three things I look for when reading a novel.

Good luck with this.

Janie Loveless - White Trash

I almost didn't read this book because of its title. Danny Murphy. It's a name I associate with football and I couldn't get passed that. I suspect that's more my problem than yours though! I'm very glad I gave this a go. Brilliant first three chapters. You capture the chilling nature of his mind excellently, but we also almost sympathise with him. I know I will read much, much more of this.

I have read the first three chapters and will certainly be back for more. Others have made far more useful and constructive comments than I could ever hope to, so I'll just say that I enjoyed the read! Happy to back this book for a while.

Phil,
The brain of a serial killer has been compared to a squirmy toad and related visions of slimy ooze, herky-jerky movements and other manifestations of disjointed ugliness. "Danny Murphy" brings these images to mind, of the human machine gone awry because of a fuse blown or faulty wiring, so that the guy sitting next to you on the bus could very well be a quirked killer with a normal face. Your prose is characterized by an economy of words, cutting to the chase, cold, precise, on which a serial killer can be showcased to perfection. Thank you for this strangely entertaining first person narrative.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Thank you Jake and please thank, "The Harpies", on my behalf. Fresh intelligent eyes are a boon and I appreciate you taking the time, not only to read Danny Murphy, but to offer an unbiased appraisal.
Your suggestions have been noted and will be acted upon.

Phil, I'm here at the behest of Jane Alexander and Shubie Richmond. A book very much in 'my' genre and I'm immediately intrigued by both title and pitch. I'd make a tentative suggestion to omit the final two lines. 'the most enthusiastic reader of this genre' feels awkward to me. As with any implied criticism, it's only intended as an observation - it's your book.

The prologue. Ah, the vexed question of prologues. For some, make that many, they are an abomination. My own book recently on this site has a prologue. I deemed it essential, a notch above necessary. I don't see your prologue as either essential or even necessary. I can see why you've included it, but wonder if it would be better used as a back-cover blurb. The concern over its inclusion is heightened by the first 'real' chapter, here as chapter two, being such an outstanding introduction to the main character and the nature of the book. Make that your opening chapter, please!

Just a couple of areas in that chapter - 'my hand is holding her wrists tightly' - omit 'is' if you're keeping it as a single sentence. Tighter.

'six o' three pm' - this really grates. 'Three minutes past six' is so much better. In a similiar vein, the end of the chapter would be stronger without the 'p.m.' detail - perhaps, ' Mary Jo will be dead in precisely fifteen minutes.'

'Edward Munch' - should be 'Edvard Munch's' The Scream.

I started making notes on punctuation issues, gave up after a while. I now see Jane, a far better technical writer than myself, has made a similiar observation. If it's a style issue, fair enough. I'll not attempt to impose an approved system on a fellow writer. I suspect, you need to check the punctuation carefully. For me, far too many instances of misplaced commas, particularly in lengthy sentences. Perhaps a full stop; new sentence would be preferable?

I loved the end of chapter four. The self-justification of your MC for his dreadful deeds is well done. We may not agree with him, even allowing for the instances of bullying in his youth, but he believes them to be justified and that comes across well.

In Chapter five, listed as six, the dialogue between the policemen, the Chief Superintendent in particular, comes across as stilted. This may well be intentional, displaying pomposity, but if so it appeared excessive. A crucial area for me came to the fore in this chapter. There's a solution, a reason for the murders, under discussion. I would have preffered the police to remain in the dark, blunder around, not seeing what the reader already knows, for a while longer. Chapter five is too soon for them to be so firmly on the trail. An opinion. Nothing more.

One final observation: the bold text. I wonder if it's necessary.

You have created a monster in Danny. A believable monster. He's a great character, riven with flaws yet living a normal life outside the areas where his distorted view of history prompts extreme actions. The sections where he is 'on screen' to borrow a cinematic reference, are outstanding.

I'm not quite so convinced by Hazel, but that may change as her character develops. There is much to applaud here. I'm impressed by your imagination and ability to express the thought processes of a deranged person. That isn't easy and you manage it very well.

I'll be putting this on my shelf at my next reshuffle and watching its progress with interest.

Jake

Phil, I'm here at the behest of Jane Alexander and Shubie Richmond. A book very much in 'my' genre and I'm immediately intrigued by both title and pitch. I'd make a tentative suggestion to omit the final two lines. 'the most enthusiastic reader of this genre' feels awkward to me. As with any implied criticism, it's only intended as an observation - it's your book.

The prologue. Ah, the vexed question of prologues. For some, make that many, they are an abomination. My own book recently on this site has a prologue. I deemed it essential, a notch above necessary. I don't see your prologue as either essential or even necessary. I can see why you've included it, but wonder if it would be better used as a back-cover blurb. The concern over its inclusion is heightened by the first 'real' chapter, here as chapter two, being such an outstanding introduction to the main character and the nature of the book. Make that your opening chapter, please!

Just a couple of areas in that chapter - 'my hand is holding her wrists tightly' - omit 'is' if you're keeping it as a single sentence. Tighter.

'six o' three pm' - this really grates. 'Three minutes past six' is so much better. In a similiar vein, the end of the chapter would be stronger without the 'p.m.' detail - perhaps, ' Mary Jo will be dead in precisely fifteen minutes.'

'Edward Munch' - should be 'Edvard Munch's' The Scream.

I started making notes on punctuation issues, gave up after a while. I now see Jane, a far better technical writer than myself, has made a similiar observation. If it's a style issue, fair enough. I'll not attempt to impose an approved system on a fellow writer. I suspect, you need to check the punctuation carefully. For me, far too many instances of misplaced commas, particularly in lengthy sentences. Perhaps a full stop; new sentence would be preferable?

I loved the end of chapter four. The self-justification of your MC for his dreadful deeds is well done. We may not agree with him, even allowing for the instances of bullying in his youth, but he believes them to be justified and that comes across well.

In Chapter five, listed as six, the dialogue between the policemen, the Chief Superintendent in particular, comes across as stilted. This may well be intentional, displaying pomposity, but if so it appeared excessive. A crucial area for me came to the fore in this chapter. There's a solution, a reason for the murders, under discussion. I would have preffered the police to remain in the dark, blunder around, not seeing what the reader already knows, for a while longer. Chapter five is too soon for them to be so firmly on the trail. An opinion. Nothing more.

One final observation: the bold text. I wonder if it's necessary.

You have created a monster in Danny. A believable monster. He's a great character, riven with flaws yet living a normal life outside the areas where his distorted view of history prompts extreme actions. The sections where he is 'on screen' to borrow a cinematic reference, are outstanding.

I'm not quite so convinced by Hazel, but that may change as her character develops. There is much to applaud here. I'm impressed by your imagination and ability to express the thought processes of a deranged person. That isn't easy and you manage it very well.

I'll be putting this on my shelf at my next reshuffle and watching its progress with interest.

Jake

Hi Phil, well I'm still reading but thought I'd vomit out a few words as I go along. I am NO critic in any shape, way or form; can only tell you how it appeared to me as a reader. I try to be honest but totally understand if you don't want my rambling crap over your comment feed so happy to delete - just ask!

Love the title - like the cover too. Overall I really LOVE the parts in Danny's POV - first person, present tense, tough to carry off but you do it with severe aplomb. Sex/murder scenes are just fabulous - kind of thing you really shouldn't read over your breakfast porridge...

I wasn't so sold on the intervening chapters - I think I wanted to stay inside Danny's head really. But, anyhow, these are my scribbles as I read.

Prologue: I didn't like this - not entirely sure why. Just didn't really add anything for me - I know it's going to be dark and about a serial killer. I just wanted to get stuck into the killing. Your punctuation is weird - I don't usually comment on punctuation; don't usually even notice it really - but with this I did. Not sure if it's intentional but, if not, give the sucker a bloody good edit (or get a grammar geek to do it for you). It snagged me a fair bit.
Chapter One: Oh FECKING good chapter.... I'd start here, no question. But again - writ large - that;s just MY opinion.
Chapter Two: tense slips - 'they leave me' (present). my luck was obviously not in (past). Wouldn't the name Spud give her away as someone from school? I thought he took too long to twig who she was.
Chapter Three: Shit! Mean as hell chapter. Michael Wood services? Oooh, been there - lots. Killer last line.
Chapter Four: Hazel works for the police and Steve's a policeman - so they're in the biz. I was surprised that they didn't take the messages more seriously upfront (the cops I know are paranoid beasts). Why wouldn't she talk to Steve rather than her dad? He's more senior, sure - maybe she thinks he has more clout? Maybe make it clear.
Chapter Five: Hang about....they're suddenly tying it all together very quickly.
Surely something can't be both opportunistic AND premeditated.

Has Jake Barton read this? Mebbe ask him to as he's good on the police procedural side of stuff. Me? I confess I kinda skip over those bits and lap up that evil Danny.... :)

Just seen Lucia's comment below and love that first line 'I enjoyed it more than it would be proper to admit' - yeah, that kinda does it for me.... :-D

Interesting concept with a deranged killer yet a reason to root for him against an annoying nemesis. It defies the traditional hero v villain mode, but it's exciting nonetheless. The the writing is great.

Do some good research before pitching it to agents and publishers so you can compare it to successful books.

I'll back this. Well done.

Brian
Mute

This is an incredible story and I enjoyed it more than it would be proper to admit. ;)

This has one of the only prologues I’ve ever read that I enjoyed. Most of the time, I think they can be deleted, or seem contrived, but yours had a nice tempo to it, with a voice that lured me in. After reading it, I thought, “Oh, yes; I want to read more.”

I like the title—the name Danny Murphy—it has a nice tone to it and it kind of rolls out of the mouth in a memorable way.

I loved your first chapter. I believe that a reader should be hooked in and you’ve accomplished that. It’s a dirty, sexy chapter and I was captivated. It was very easy to visualize the scene in my head and nothing jarred me out of it. The book has very clear and succinct descriptions that work well with the book’s pace. I liked how you showed the inner-workings and precision of a serial killer—as they are very precise in what they do. I’m also a fan of short chapters for this type of book, as it helps to support the quick pace.

I already like Danny, despite the fact he’s a killer. By chapter 6, even though I’ve seen Hazel’s more humane side, I already dislike her from the elevator, so I’m anxious to read of her demise. The characterization is going well so far. I don’t feel invested in the ones that are quickly killed, but their little nuances are quite interesting to read.

I wanted to leave you a comment now, as I’m half-way through it, but I’m definitely finishing the rest of this one.
Best of luck with this book!

Thank you Marita,
please read some more, I think you will be pleasantly, (should that be, horrifically?) surprised.
PS. you can download Danny Murphy on Amazon Kindle.

I had time for the prologue and first two chapters, and liked your writing. The beginning of chapter 1 was definitely an attention grabber, and like the girl I thought Danny was going to kill her. But when he released the bag, she was lulled into a false sense of security and killed anyway. Chapter 2 added on the first, showing us exactly why Danny has turned out the way he has ... his abusive childhood from the hands of his father, as well has the beatings and taunts from the gang of school kids. Thus, he's had the killer breed into him, or more likely kicked into him. I've got a feeling Hazel isn't safe, but I don't particularly like her at the moment due to her part in Danny becoming a serial killer. But then again, it was probably more to do with Danny's father than anything else. Hazel's pulling of Danny's ear was out of the blue. Like danny I would be pissed off too.

It's even more chilling that Danny is a principal, a trusted position, someone that no one would suspect as a serial killer. You've definitely created an interesting character. I will be back to read the next chapter when I get some more time. Kind regards, Marita.

I had time for the prologue and first two chapters, and liked your writing. The beginning of chapter 1 was definitely an attention grabber, and like the girl I thought Danny was going to kill her. But when he released the bag, she was lulled into a false sense of security and killed anyway. Chapter 2 added on the first, showing us exactly why Danny has turned out the way he has ... his abusive childhood from the hands of his father, as well has the beatings and taunts from the gang of school kids. Thus, he's had the killer breed into him, or more likely kicked into him. I've got a feeling Hazel isn't safe, but I don't particularly like her at the moment due to her part in Danny becoming a serial killer. But then again, it was probably more to do with Danny's father than anything else. Hazel's pulling of Danny's ear was out of the blue. Like danny I would be pissed off too.

It's even more chilling that Danny is a principal, a trusted position, someone that no one would suspect as a serial killer. You've definitely created an interesting character. I will be back to read the next chapter when I get some more time. Kind regards, Marita.

Phil,
Well, this is certainly unique. Pitch and prologue couldn't fail to hook. Then ch1 and I'm thinking okay, we have a major weirdo here, but then you turn it on it's head and despite knowing what he's done and how he thinks, I'm sympathising with his awful childhood and thinking yeah, revenge why not? Back to whacko again with the slaughtered kids, and to be honest I think this is what makes this work stand out, the way that you leave the reader totally unsettled by Danny and his self justification for what he does. He's not you're standard leading man is he! The writing itself is excellent, as is the pace. And the tension and suspense crank up as Danny plays his games. By the end of ch4 I'm finding him quite abhorrent, but addictive nonetheless. He's got to be stopped, but who's going to be clever enough to do it? finding out is what will keep people reading.
Best of luck with this.

Babs

Disturbing the way it gets under the killer's skin. Writing style is good, this is worth backing

Great pitch - I love Danny already

This is careful writing and you pull off the difficult task of empathising with a criminal sufficiently to show his thinking.
Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Hi Phil, I have just finished chapt one, i must say i found it very disturbing. I,ve had to deal with some sad pervs but thankfully not one like Danny Murphy. What made you get the idea for the book?, is suffocation your fantasy or someone you know?. sorry for those question but i'm intrigued because of my line of work as a dominatrix.
Tallulah xx
p.s I,m going to read more cos its so sick

Hi Phil - spine-chilling character that Danny Murphy! Not a watcher or reader of violence as a rule, but after reading your pitch I ventured to the book itself - 4 chapters later, I'm impressed with your writing skills - fast-paced, consise, yet a slow simmer in spots that keeps the reader extremely vigil. Extremely suspenseful yet knowing full well what Danny boy is up to. Backed based on your gripping writing technique. Will keep on my watchlist for further reading. All the best - Kate (Jenny's Rain - a very soft story compared to yours).

I very much like this opening chapters. You set up the anxious tension and correctly get into the mind of the young girl.

Well done. Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Eerie intro, giving us a glimpse into the mind of a killer. And I like the Scream painting imagery in the 1st chapter.

I'm not sure about "she gratefully draws in..." since I doubt she's grateful at this point. Could you reword the sentence so her action sounds more panicked/urgent?

Reading on a bit, I like the fact your character is so precise with regards to time. It tells us a lot about him. And then we get the bombshell at the end of the chapter. Nice.

I really enjoy your writing. It's clear and we get a good sense of just how warped Danny is right from the outset. The aspect of clinical precision only adds to the menace.

I'm v happy to back your work, and wish you all the best with it. :)

Pete

Danny Murphy - It was your pitch that got my interest. I liked the first sex scene -plenty of impending violence and hot sex. Gladly already backed.

All the best,
:-) Summer D'Vine, Women of the Trees

Great pitch. Great story. Happily backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Hi Phil,

Oooh, this is my kind of piece. You're very comfortable wading into darker territory, and the brevity of your style makes Danny Murphy a very compelling read.

Nice work, I'm backing this one! Thanks for your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Baker
Head Games

thanks for that, you are a gent.

I didn't get a chance to comment this the last time it was up. But I'm glad you've resubmitted it. Danny Murphy as a unique tone to it that I can't quite put into words. I backed it a few months ago, but will happily back it again ;)

Cheers,
Tay Tay

Hi Phil, Murphy relishing the fact that the police are looking for the Bagman and not the Dean of a college really caught me into this. And then his fierce response to Hazel in the lift and her suspecting nothing. Strong scenes and leading dialogue. His sickness is compelling. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I didn't get a chance to comment this the last time it was up. But I'm glad you've resubmitted it. Danny Murphy as a unique tone to it that I can't quite put into words. I backed it a few months ago, but will happily back it again ;)

Cheers,
Tay Tay

Dear Phil,
Your pitches are outstanding. The reader is completely trapped by the arrogance and smugness of Danny. Then your prologue becomes a bit less casual, a bit more formal, perhaps losing a little of the wow factor in your pitch. But overall, fantastic!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Chillingopening chapter, with a great qualifier in terms of a prologue. Good dialogue and a well described scene. You MC is a chilling individual, and quite interesting. Backed!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

15 August 2010
I'm glad that I'm not female & good--looking. Oh, and that Danny Murphy doesn't know my address. After a display of clinical , uninvolved precise callousness in a short but frightfully compleat prelude we meet Danny in action. Violence, eroticism and barely hidden 'cat & mouse' taunting convey the predatory nature of the 'hero'. Confident, poised and graphic prose provides the guarantee that we are in for a nail biter. Yes! BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

Hi Phil,

As I stated before, I do like your work. Danny is a great character. Nice to have you back.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

A shocking, but well told story, Shades of Easton Ellis, but good sharp writing, a unique voice and a very intense read. I'm affraid to label this!

Backed
Scorselo

Hello Phil
You have my comments on Danny already and it's good to see it back. Good characters, economical but effective writing and some fairly gruesome scenarios, but somehow you manage to make the horror manageable! And this comes from someone who doesn't generally like violent thrillers.
I can recommend it.
Very good luck with it.
Shubie

Dear Phil, I love that I don't know Danny & hope that I never will. :) What a scarey story - hope I don't have nightmares. Great write - suspenseful for sure. :) You have a good pitch & dialogue. :) You may want to cut your larger paragraphs in 2 or more for an easier read. :) I've backed your book :) - hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I'll also put your book on my watchlist - will be #2 of your watchlist count. :)