The Unexpected Rescuer

THE UNEXPECTED RESCUER
Anything historical and I'm a sucker! Good descriptions and some able dialogue. Clever writing in parts and you come across as quite an accomplished writer. Intriguing and dramatic. Nicely executed. Star rated this - good luck
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Lisa,

The Unexpected Rescuer is my favorite kind of historical fiction. You do a great job at painting your world and creating an entertaining character in Henrietta, but you don't get mired down in detail and lore the way many other writers do, which makes for a compelling read that moves like lightning.

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Dear Lisa
anything medieval i am there. so your short pitch took me to your long pitch, which showed me right away that you have crafted an original read but also created an alternate world for me. It was just enough to make me want more and so clever of you.
I have not read all your writing, however i will comment more later when it is right
CONGRATULATIONS on such talent and crafting
BACKED by me for sure
please take a little time to comment on my book, comments are so important ot me, and if you feel so, back it.
thank you
BEST of luck
Denise
The Letter

You certainly paint strongly with your authorial skill and you have an excellent style. The writing certainly graces the YA audience well and it does not condescend which is a mistake many trying for that audience make.

Excellent.

BACKED

I love this kind of historical fiction, throw in a romance and I'll be set for the day. You've got a lovely writing style and likable characters. You bring it to life. I can tell you've done a lot of research on this, it shows in your well thought out storyline. Enjoyed this very much.

Missy

UNEXPECTED RESCUER
This story begins with a dramatic pirate scene: a good way to immediately pull your reader into the story. I liked both Roland and Henrietta; Henrietta is the kind of feisty woman your young adult audience should like very well. If I have a suggestion it’s a small one: are you sure people played Bingo so long ago? If not, then using the explanation “Bingo!” seems out of place. Either way, this is a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

This is good fun, Lisa. Highly starred and on my shelf when I get a chance to shift things around.

I don’t read a lot of teen fiction but I enjoyed this. The prose is clear and direct but not lacking in colour or depth. My brother writes children’s adventure novels for Macmillan and I’m always impressed by how he produces work that is easily understood by younger readers without allowing it to become overly simple or one-dimensional. A tricky balancing act but one you seem to have mastered very nicely. Terrific stuff.

I like the way you plunge straight into the boarding scene in the prologue – terrifically vivid and involving. The dialogue feels real and helps both to flesh out the various characters as well as adding tremendous energy to the scenes. Overall, the pace of the novel feels well-judged with plenty of action and conversational exchanges to keep the storyline ticking over and the reader involved. The plot feels well thought out and multi-layered and – due to the mix of romance and good, old-fashioned derring-do – should appeal to both male and female readers.

In short, a very engaging, pacy read. Thanks and best of luck. Andrew


I made some notes on the Prologue as I went along. Please feel free to ignore!!

I love the immediacy of the opening. We’re plunged straight into the boarding scene.

Possible typo: ‘He watching [watched??] in awe…’

‘We don’t need any heroes’ – this did make me think of Tina Turner and her Mad Max song!! Maybe rephrase??

Possible typo: ‘When no one move[d]…’

‘He had no idea…’ – who’s ‘he’? I’m assuming it’s Tim but it’s not clear??

‘echoed their sentiments’ – a bit of a cliché??

‘and dragged him to the shore’ – the shift from Tim going overboard to his reaching the shore does feel a bit abrupt?? Given that they’re on large merchant ships, it must be a fair distance to the shore?? Maybe include a little of the swim itself?? Tim might think he’ll never make it?? He could get cramp or even think he sees a shark fin?? Feels like a good opportunity to inject some peril/adventure as well as further fleshing out Tim’s character?? Just a thought.

‘Jump boy…etc’ – love this line!! I can really hear the pirate’s gruff voice.

‘His plan was only half finished’ – I like this. Good plot hook. Very intriguing.

Ditto the possible involvement of the king. Clever way to end the prologue and make the reader want to read on.

I read chap 5 (really chap 4). Here it seems like nothing really important is happening. It feels melodramatic. I think the ball affair would be mostly handled by higher servants...I forget what the specific ones I'm thinking of are called. The girls would have some say so of course if that privilege was given by the parents or king alone. The training parts seem very plain. Throughout the chap the reader gets the feeling that you don't really have a distinct knowledge of what's going on. I have a profound respect for those writers who are able to feed me detail and knowledge. I really don't have a concrete idea of where Henrietta's skills now lay. We know she's learning, but beyond that, no. I'm not seeing her implement moves, think about was she's doing; I'm not able to watch her. I just "hear" about what she's learning, I feel like. Feed us the structure of this era and place you're creating for us. Little detail info high and low, however subtle. It can make a huge difference, I've noticed, when I compare historical novels I've read: how this one seemed more professional, this one was easier to wrap myself in and believe, etc. It takes a lot of studying. But keep going--I believe this has the potential to be a really good novel with hard work!
Good luck!

--Shieldmaiden

Lisa, this is a lively and generally well-told story with a lot going on, and an endearing heroine, and I'm sure it will go down well with its target audience. However there are a lot of glitches. Ignoring obvious typos, I'm puzzled by your frequent use of the present tense when a past tense is clearly required. A few examples:
Ch 2
The watchtower was the only part visible … From there, the guardsmen watchED for an attack …
Ch 3
After the knighting ceremony … Henrietta [has]HAD seen Roland and somebody she didn’t recognise ...
Ch 5
Some people claimed that Henrietta [looks]LOOKED exactly like her mother did … as opposed to their father, who [has]HAD black hair.
Ch 6
(The bodice) appeared to be slightly lower than she usually [wears]WORE it

There is also no evidence anywhere that you've done any research into mediaeval life. No mediaeval palace or castle had a "lounge" or "conference room". It is inconceivable that a queen and princess would wander round the town hanging up advertisements for a ball. The dialogue is a very uneasy mix of modern English spoken stiffly without any contractions like "wouldn't" or "don't", as if you were aiming for an older style; but then we have Henrietta saying jauntily, 'Oh hi, Jon!" and Roland asking, “Where have you guys been?” Nobody expects you to use genuine mediaeval English, and I can understand your rationale in using EITHER formal modern English to give a more antiquated feel, OR very colloquial modern English, to show your readers that the characters are just like them (only of course they aren't, but this is fiction so never mind): but when you mix them, I'm afraid the result is ludicrous. Look again at the word “bingo!” in ch 2. We all know it means something like “Gotcha!” but the word itself comes from a game that wasn’t invented for another several hundred years. It simply won’t do. I strongly suggest you take a pause and read half a dozen good quality novels set in mediaeval times (try Norah Lofts and Anya Seton for example), then go through your book again with that extra layer of knowledge in your mind to help you fix the other unlikely parts.
The story itself is fun and gripping, and a huge achievement which I would like to back, but I don’t feel it’s at all ready for publication yet.

I love the medieval theme here. The prologue is great, you bring us right into the action of the story and don't let the reader go. I'm not great at grammar so I won't be commenting on that, although I didn't see anything that jumped out at me and made me wonder if it was right or not. I love Charles and Henrietta's characters. I think they are well developed and can't wait to see how they develop. I will be back for more tomorrow! I'll comment if anything really strikes me! Good luck with this!

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

Just read chapter 2. I noted a few things for you to consider.

1. Through the many stories Roland, had told his family, Henrietta knew that Jonathan and Roland met as pages and quickly became friends.
typo-comma after 'Roland' not neccessary

2. After the knighting ceremony for Jonathan and his year mates, Henrietta has seen Roland and someone she didn't recognize walking towards her.
verb tense-should be 'Henrietta had seen"

3. "Henrietta, I would like you to meet my friend Sir Jonathan. Jon, this is my sister Princess Henrietta," said Roland.
punctuation-there should be commas before 'Sir Jonathan' and 'Princess Henrietta' in these sentences, as they are being introduced.

4. ...Henrietta relaxed for the first time since she they had been introduced.
typo-'she' is not neccessary here

5. This was the beginning of their courtship that so far, has lasted for two years.
verb tense consitency- should be 'had lasted for two years.'

I'm still enjoying this story. You've got the scene-sequel structure down, I think. There's a nice flow to your writing. Perfect for your target audience. Still highly rated :)

All the best,
Trista

Sorry this took so long! I pretty much boycotted authonomy and just completely forgot about this. I do remember you, though :D We have talked on inkpop, and I definitely appreciate all the support you have given me!
Okay, onto the comment.
I liked the first chapter, though the ending with the little girl seemed a bit abrupt. The second chapter was better. More dialogue, more information for us. I am having a hard time picturing your characters, though. I'm just seeing three people who all look the same with different colored eyes. That might just be me, though.
Hm aside from that, I don't really know what to say. Maybe play around with your dialogue tags a bit? I got a bit tired of reading "he said, she said" all over the place. Dialogue tags are the fun part! there are so many fun words that can be used!
Good luck!
Jami

I enjoyed your dialogue, and the prologue captures the reader. Best of luck with your continued writing.

While it has taken an extended amount of time, I have put The Unexpected Rescuer on my shelf, with pleasure and splashed with stars! Great characters, love the setting, the names are enchanting, the places inviting. Great fantasy, well written for young and not-so-young adults!

Justis Call
Snow Bound

Your prologue draws the reader in instantly. First chapter leaves the reader wanting to continue to the next and so forth. Your dialog is precise and flows at a good pace. There is plenty of dialog in ch2 and the reader can picture easily the situation described from them. There are some typos in ch3 but you will spot them as you re-read it. Being a woman I enjoyed the romance starting in ch3. This is a lovely story and I have fully rated it.
Good luck
Daniela

Hey Lisa,
I just read your prologue and first chapter and I really enjoyed it. I love stories set in medievil times! You've got good imagery, characterization, narrative hook. You give just the right amount of detail. You're dialogue between characters is good. It helps to show the personalities and bonds between your characters. I like that your protagonist is a woman. I look forward to reading on to the romance part :) I found a few things you may want to look at.

1."So Jonathan doesn't even know about this room?" ...
should be: "So, Jonathan doesn't even know about this room?"...

2. Henrietta sounded unsure of herself, a state Roland is not use to hearing from her.
It should be, " a state Roland was not use to hearing from her.", so that the verb tense is consistent with the rest of the story.

I had caught a couple more mistakes, but as I look back over your story, I can't find them and unfortunately I'm short on time. It was punctuation related. Copy and Paste would be nice, but I'm also glad it's not allowed. Although contractions read easier, I'm not sure if they used them so much back then. So, sometimes the dialect seems a bit anachronistic to me. But that's just my opinion. Don't take my word for it, research it, or if you're happy with it the way it is, leave it. :) I think you've done an excellent job. This is all just my advice, so take what you want and leave the rest. You're a very talented author and I will continue reading when I have the time. Until then, highly starred :)

God Bless,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

THE UNEXPECTED RESCUER
Lisa, just started first chapter and found this. It is easy to overlook so simple of an edit. But the book has a great start nothing like brother and sister team.
'sometime when no one else it out'

Lisa, you have an amazing knack for melodrama. I strongly believe pulp romance is for you. As a male reader, I almost suspect that Henrietta is going to have a taboo affair with Roland, of course after wrestling with emotions, she will discover that he was adopted. Maybe not, I do have a stained mind. I see Jonathan as a red shirt. He will die a horrible death that nearly destroys Henrietta, pushing her further into Roland's arms. Catherine is the non-action woman that learns some great lesson from her mother. The King doesn't really do anything. Margagret and is the insider that helps hatch some scheme. This is so, in my opinion, much a story for girls 10-14.

I've made it to chapter 4.

This is a great story.
I really like that the hero is a female, very refreshing for a medieval story.
The pacing and style really draws me in as a reader and the formality of the dialogue between the characters in Ch 1-2 really gives a richness to their aristocratic patronage and character. Yet, the descriptions and story is simple enough for even a young reader will understand the connections.
I am excited to continue reading and keep up the great writing!
Best wishes,
P.M. Daley - Birth of the Warrior

I am putting your book on my shelf to read more of it.

Your writing is solid. It's just that some added details are missing from the story. By adding a few elements, this could connect more with readers.

The prologue with the pirate boarded is well done except for one thing: there’s not a sympathetic character that I’m worried about. Even if it’s a throwaway character, an old woman or a young boy on the ship, the reader should identify with a victim and hope they survive. If the pirates kill them or spare them, it will shape the reader’s emotions.

I want to know more about why Torin declared war and what that means. Is Torin stronger than them? And equal match? Are they longtime rivals? What don’t they like about the people there? Do they fear them?

The interaction between Roland and Henrietta is well done. Their conversation before he leaves for war is great. The flashback in chapter 2 adds some depth to her character.

I'll back this, as the writing is good and the story is fine. Just keep working in details to give the reader a rooting interest in the story and its characters.

Brian Bandell
Mute

I thoroughly enjoyed this even though it has more of the young adult aspect than I care for. Well written and interesting. Five stars and backed.

HEAVEN IS HIGH ...

Hi Lisa,

A good plot which will entice any reader. The dialogue is just right and you have the setting to a T. Only cavil is that the point of view keeps shifting and confused me a bit. Also some of the language is more modern than of the era portrayed in the book.
Once you get over these minor points, the reading would catch the eye. the rest of it is great stuff thOugh. You have uploaded only a portion of it which is fine considering not everybody has the patience to go through the entire book.
For my part I have showered it with stars and kept it on my wl until a space opens up on my shelf.
All the best to get it published.

Kind Regards

jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

Hi I did rated and put your book on my watchlist. I might back the book tonight. I want to look at ozonerase and give me your feed back. all the best

Lisa,
"The Unexpected Rescuer" is a masterful tale of knights in medieval times and their fair damsels one of whom isn't as frail as she looks. You have a straightforward writing style, uncluttered and clear with a dialogue that does not hinder the pace of the story. Henrietta, exhibiting the spunk of a champion normally reserved for chivalrous knights, is a captivating character one can only root for. Thank you for the enterrtaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Lisa,

I've taken a look, as you requested. I will tell you at the outset that I never, ever read historical fiction; it's almost a foreign language to me.That said, I do recognize good writing when I see it. You've done an excellent job with this. I loved the first line, and your entire first chapter is completely compelling. In chapter two, it becomes almost Shakespearean. You're a fine writer, Lisa, and I think you will find a wide audience for this, as I believe historical fiction, with a bit of fantasy thrown in, is quite popular. Well done and good luck. I've given you lots of stars for this.

And now, I look forward to your thoughts on Animal Cracker.
Best,
Andi

I love that you begin with conflict, and an interesting one, too. A pirate attack? I'm hooked.

You have a nice, natural flow to your sentences. They're not overwritten or overly detailed, which is nice to come across.

Once chapter one begins, you create solid tension in several ways. With Roland running late and with the pending war, you've got the attention of your readers. Then, when Henrietta asks her brother to teach him how to ride a horse and fight with a sword, you've established your plot. I love this kind of plot, but I wonder as a reader at this point I'm wondering if you're going to put a unique twist on it. This story has been done. How will yours be different?

Another strength in chapter one is you begin to build Roland and Henrietta's character, and there's some pretty good characterization (maybe you could do a bit more? Even though we're in his perspective for much of the first chapter, I don't know if we have a strong enough connection with Roland yet).

My main suggestion is to sort out your perspectives. First, the prologue might be stronger if we're inside someone's head, if we're seeing the pirate attack through the eyes of someone aboard the ship. It would create a tension and immediacy that would hook your reader even better because it would give them some sort of investment in what happens. At the end of the prologue, I see that we're in the captain's head. That could make for an interesting perspective as well, but I want to be in his head before the end of the prologue. Second, once chapter 1 starts, it would be stronger if we stayed in Roland's head. Within a couple paragraphs you jump to the guards in the tower and then back to Roland. I would stick to one and build that character well so the reader has someone to grow attached to. If you do change the perspective, I recommend doing so through a separate chapter or scene break.

Smaller suggestions: Avoid repeating the same word in one sentence. "...passengers looked between each other, as if looking..." Another small suggestion is to end chapter one with a stronger hook. I've read several books from cover to cover based solely on the way the author ended their chapters. Consider if you can keep your reader turning the pages with some sort of cliff-hanger, powerful last line, or mystery.

Minor typos: "Edward turned focused..." That's the only one I caught. Nice job editing!

As a whole, this is a well-written young adult novel with an interesting premise and a well-established plotline. Despite my suggestions, I enjoyed reading this. Best of luck with it!

Wait a minute! Is this a new first chapter, Lisa??? It's fantastic! Now I know why I came back to finish your book! You're a great storyteller....

Can't wait to finish!

Ellise ;)

Lovely story, well reserached and written. I have given this all the stars it deserves.

Good luck!

Laura Bailey
Beneath The Blossom Tree

Just reread the first four chapters and i have to say they are tremendously better. You've done a good job bringing more of the characters emotions, showing instead of telling and the relationship with Jon and Henrietta is significantly stronger. Keep it up, as you edit the stronger and more developed the story becomes.

All the best, Lisa

good story. like the style and flow of the writing. You have talent. Keep at it. Writing YA is hard and you have done a very good job because young adults usually want something that keeps their eyes glued to the book.

Best wishes on your future writing. Backed.
Chipper Newman

Lisa, I read chapters 1 and 2, and I really enjoyed the read. I like the action and you did a good job introducing your characters. Only one thing stopped my flow of reading. When one of the guards says "Wow... To me that is a modern expression and didn't fit in with your story. Maybe he could say "Oh ... or something not so modern. The two chapters tell a story that promises to be a very good book. I lilked it. Watchlist for now, my book shelf is full.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island.

I really like how you jump right into the action straight from chapter one. However, I feel like I'm not getting enough description. I can't picture the scene clearly enough in my head, and even though your dialouge and action is great, I need to be able to see whats going on. What do they all look like, the pirates, the ships, the sailors? What does the land look like? What is the Sapphire Sea, and why is it called that? Hope that helps :)

A very good story and you obviously know what you are talking about. The dialogue is short and it is therefore fast paced, I can see this type of novel appealing to people who want to escape the world of reality. :)

A good story - I will star rate and add to watch list - thank you for inviting me to read it. Only two very brief comments.
Maybe the word page should have a capital P to show that it is a role as a Page when they are talking about the costume - I'm not sure, maybe you have already checked this and I am wrong!
Second - again when they are talking about the costume, I assume that Roland means "The Page's costume 'will' do a large part," and not 'with' as you have written!
Keep up the good work though, I like your style of writting and I enjoyed the story so far! I will read more!

From Mae

'Ignited'
I would be grateful if you would take a look at mine too! Thanks!

Hi Lisa,

You have an enchanting story there, with well developed characters and a good plot. There are a number of typos that an editing run will fix. If you're having trouble finding them, try reading your book out loud to yourself.

I found that in a few areas you had a lot of dialogue. Try breaking some of it up a bit with more descriptions, such as pacing or tapping fingers on a table. Also try changing up how you tell the reader who is speaking, i.e. instead of "said Henrietta" you could say "Henrietta sighed" or "shouted Henrietta".

Hope I've been of some help :)

read the new prologue and the chapter one. i liked the prologue. the action was fast paced. the new chapter one flows so much better than the original. great editing job!

me

The Unexpected Rescuer—A tale of romance and adventure in medieval times, is a great hook not to mention an eye catching book cover. The Prologue opens with a pirate attack watched by a young girl. In Chapter 1, Torin declares war and King Edward must rally. Here we meet Roland and Henrietta, siblings, but Henrietta wants to learn how to fight. Charles, the little brother, must now go to war and Henrietta prepares for his departure, calming herself with memories. Especially those of Jonathan. I would like more detail of clothes and hair so I can ‘see’ Henrietta better. Also, their medieval environment is important, such as tapestry wall-hangings, ornaments, long tables, that type of thing. The dialogue has a modern feel which could be sharpened. I like your premise and think that with some tweaking to even out the pace and POV structure, this book will be very impressive. I enjoyed it. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Lisa

I took a look through. The style is good and the characters are good.

Good luck

Timmy
THE ANGEL PROJECT

Okay,
I came to take a quick look to give you my first impressions. I like the voice of this. It has a nice pleasant tone and I think you've got an intriguing story here. Many readers enjoy tales from medieval times and the romance adds an extra hook to capture the teenage audience your after.
I can see that you have worked on improving this from some of the past comments.
There were a couple of things I noticed that could further tighten the manuscript by take my advice as you will, it is only my opinion.
Perhaps lose some of the dialogue tags in the first part of chapter two when Roland is talking to Henrietta, just to quicken the pace.
Check for repeated words in consecutive sentences, this can sometimes clog the reading and pulll the reader out of the story.
I have listed some specific edits that you might find useful.
Hope that is helpful and I wish you the best of luck with your book,
Cheers Jacoba

Chapter 2
Roland could not seem to sit still long enough ( left out not)

He wandered into his bedroom off the lounge (had of instead of off)

knowing that he wouldn't find the answers he needed in there (left out in)

I don't think this sentence sounds right you may want to reword it: Henrietta sounded almost unsure. This, not being a normal state for her, set off warning bells in his head.

Henrietta asked as if irritated by the suggestion. (If its in Rolands viewpoint he would be assuming she was irrated by her tone.)

Hey, Lisa,
I've read some from the beginning and some from the middle. I think you have a good story here, but it does need some work. I am certainly no editor, but I can give you my opinion.

First of all, I think you need to work on your point of view. I think the story would flow better if you remained in one POV throughout a scene and avoided bringing in POVs from minor characters (the guards in the watch tower during your opening scene, for instance). When you write about how Roland, Henrietta, and Charles look a like, it's as if you're using an "external" POV. You might say something like: Roland looked into the face of his sister, a face that was so much like his own....

The writing also feels a little stiff to me. I know that's not really specific, but I don't know any other way to say it. Maybe more contractions would help?? But then again, you may be shooting for Medieval speech. I think, though, you need to find some way to make the writing appeal to a modern audience but somehow still keep the feel of the times you're portraying, especially if YA is your target audience.

Best of luck to you,
Donia

Chapter One

For the next hour – it kind of sounds as if they rang for an hour.
Take out of the acres
That surround(ed) the village
Pirate boat – ship, vessel
I was going(,) Roland quickly apologized. – maybe take out quickly or whole tag.
Secret meeting(,)” Roland said
I’m just tired of always – take out just
That they use to hold the petitioner’s – the use is confusing here
In which he or his father sit – the sit is confusing
Someone wearing a long cloak – awkward sentence
Person stood up – take out up
That I will teach, that we will need – these are very formal. Is that your intention? You’ve used the contraction that’s in roland’s dialog. Saying my dialog out loud helps me hear it better. It makes it more natural sounding.
To be careful that they don’t – take out that.
I was thinking that I could – take out that.
Be wearing the clothes – awkward
Who is Jonathan??

This story has great potential but still needs a little help. Cut some of the dialog that doesn’t forward the story. It slows the pace. I would have like to see more dynamics between the people. Their feelings and impressions not just their words.

Plus, roland’s unsympathetic to his sister’s plea. I know it was like that in real medieval times, but i think this could be toned down a little.

What age group are you aiming for? The language almost seems to be nearer juvenile than ya.

me

I read two and three. Like I said before, there's the groundwork for a good story here, but it needs a lot of polish in my opinion. I don't get a feel of different personalities, and I don't feel the urgency of the moment, considering the war. I did like the fact that Henrietta is being courted. But much of your scenes seem bland, with overextended conversation. The riding scene--someone who is around riders and has ridden herself would know how to use a stirrup. She might still be awkward, but she'd have a much better idea of what's she's doing. And unfortunately I don't feel like the scene got anywhere, accomplished anything. I don't really feel like the characters act their part...but I do like the accurateness of your time era facts. 18 is very young to be knighted, but it was possible, though not common. (I love reading about the middle ages). I believe their typical age was 21. (Doesn't that sound like a lot like modern custom).
We need history and life put into the everyday life of these people. Side characters help a lot with livening up a story. Lovable cooks or maids, etc.
Like I said, there is good groundwork here...it just needs tlc, and a lot of polishing. It takes a lot of time and perseverance, but it is always worth it. Keep me updated, okay? One thing I ask too--where are you going with the story? What are your plans? Just asking simple questions can really open up things to do with a story.
God bless!

--Shieldmaiden

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. An interesting main character. Good imagery. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'The only part visible over the tall palisade wall is the watch tower.' 'Is' should be 'was' to keep the writing in past tense.
2) "You would know about a secret meeting." Roland said, shaking his head. Comma after 'meeting.' 'Roland said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).
3) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.
4) Henrietta looked around her and answered quietly. "Well, yes ... " Comm after 'quietly.' 'Henrietta answered quietly' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag precedes dialogue, the dialogue tag is punctuated with a comma.
5) "Do you think that you can find somewhere to discrete to change from princess to page?" Delete the first 'to.'
6) "You mean someone else who has a family that cares about him?" 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a superb day.

Al

Lisa,

Here's the remaining chapters review.

Ch 8

Lacking depth. Henrietta and Margaret’s conversation.

Ex – Henrietta was lost in her daydream. She paid no mind to the garden around her, her mind wandering to the rescue mission, her heart wanting to know more. Were her brothers safe? Was her Jonathan well, strong? Had they made any contact, would they be coming home soon?

“Henrietta,” Margaret said warily seeing Henrietta deep in thought. “May I sit and talk with you?” She knew Henrietta’s heart was heavy, her eyes flashed pools of worry.

Loosen up the conversation. Maybe read it out loud and listen to what it sounds like in spoken word. Sometimes we write and then when we speak it it sound tense, maybe too formal.

The battle scene—you’re telling me not showing me. Where their hearts racing? Did something flash out of the corner of their eyes capturing their attention right before they would have had a sword piercing their side. Did one of them lose balance while fighting two off at once? Dramatize it and then show me how they reacted.

Roland is captured too. What’s going on in his mind? You say he’s spitting mad, but that’s just it—you’re saying it. Show me. Ex: Defiantly he refused to roll over as commanded. His chest tightening, nose flared in outrage as the sharp tip was thrust to his chest once more.

Left in the stocks. Ex: The crowd gathered near, their sneering words thrown down like axes upon their heads. The hatred enveloped the growing mob, a lone woman broke free bearing a cup. Her eyes of the darkest shadows, her lips cracked and dried, the smudged dirt pushed across her cheek in an attempt to wipe away the days hard labor. She strode with purpose, her eyes never leaving mine, hatred lying dormant as embers waiting to spring forth.

Ch 9

New is brought regarding the capture and you simply say the queen began to cry. What’s going on in her mind? Is she frightened, scared, distraught? Do her fingers tightened on the chairs arm as the message is being delivered? Is she faint? Does she gasp?

Henrietta is shocked to see her mother display such emotions . . . does Henrietta have emotions too? Is her first emotion that Jon is captured as well? Is she realizing her feelings for him run deeper than she thought? Is this distance causing her to realized she may be in love?

She contemplates her options, doesn’t feel it is right for her father to pay such a ransom so comes to the decision to take things into her own hands. How did she come to this decision? What was going on inside her head to make her think she was strong enough to take on such a task? Did she plan it out once the decision was made?

The find Henrietta missing, a search is done and the king comes to the conclusion she took the horse. How well does the king know his daughter? Maybe a past memory about being able to handle herself is at the forefront of his mind. You need to make sure you show me why the king thinks his only daughter will be alright or you need to show me his broken heart at her leaving and the possibility of all his children being held for ransom.

Ch 10

If she were on a mission to rescue her love and brothers, would she really bathe? Maybe wash up, but she would be alone—could be capture. She would need to be on her guard and not leisurely bathe. She is a warrior now and needs to have the mind frame of one too. Determination, hygiene later especially since you’ve not played her off as a girlie girl.

She’s smart, staying in the trees and using them as cover. She dresses as the ememy too—I like it.

She meets a stranger—the enemy. Is she scared? Nervous? Does she fidget with her dress or is she calm, clear headed? Is her sword nearby and she knows she could do battle with success?

Her encounter with Mikal. It’s a little odd. I didn’t remember you saying anything about him previously and yet she knows something about him, something that will cause him difficulties unless he helps.

You don’t mention until the end that she is using a fake accent. Is she also wearing some sort of cloak over her head? Wouldn’t Jon and the others recognize her?

Ch 11

Ah, Jon is relaying his thoughts to whom he thinks is a stranger. His true feelings. I think you need to relay this information earlier in the story. Not that he might love her, but that he has deeper feelings for him and it bothers him when she is with another.

Henrietta expresses her feelings too. Both unsure of what the other wants.

What’s going through their minds as they lay next to each other to sleep. Does he want to reach out and touch her fingers, just to feel the soft texture under his rough hands? Can he smell her sweet scent? Does he want to hold her tight and truly express how he feels and the danger she is putting herself in?

Ch 12

What’s going through her mind? Is she confident her plan will work? Does she doubt her abilities at any time? What about Roland, what’s he feeling? Is he nervous that his sister may get harmed or does he have faith in her?

Ch 13

Is she frightened? Is the blood coursing through her veins? Are her palms sweaty?

Here’s what I have for the remainder of the story. I hope this helps and you don’t find it to be too critical as that is not my intent. You’ve got a great story. I've only tried to point out things that I see, and as I said before, this is just one person's opinion.

Be sure to let me know if I can help you with anything more.

Lisa

Lisa,

There is a great story lurking in your words. I think you just need to refine it to bring it out. The hard part is done, you’ve written it. The story in your head is down on paper and now you just need to make it better. Easy!

Now mind you, this is just one person’s opinion. You can chose to take it or leave it, as I am by no means a professional critiquer, but I hope what I say you will find helpful.

Ch 1
My initial impression is that the dialogue is a little stiff. A few suggestions:

“He’ll never make it in time.” He motioned to the rider. (I don’t think you always need to state the first or second guard, we know who’s taking since you already established it. It might soften it a little.)

“Didn’t King Edward state it was imperative to be on time?”
“Yes, exactly,” the first replied as he glanced at his friend, “I don’t think I’d trade places.” Their attention quickly returned to the rider.

You mention conference room. This is medieval times, did they use the term conference room?

Another sentence change so you don’t use the word keep twice: The thick walls helped meetings like this remain private.

Messages or letters? What’s the proper term for this period? Or perhaps a note?

Ch 2
Jonathan—I’m wondering about the closeness between he and Henrietta. His arms are around her, would they be afraid someone could see them? Show me how this felt, their reactions from both. I want to know if the butterflies erupted in the pit of her stomach because of his touch.

Roland’ training with Henrietta. Maybe a nickname is in order, like Henry so her identity isn’t reveled.

Ch 4

A little awkward. Maybe it was the conversations . . .

Jon found Henrietta; did she blush in his presence? Heart raced? You need to define some sort of attraction. Right now I’m not feeling or seeing anything.

Ch 5

You barely mention Henrietta preparing for the party or should it be a ball? I hardly know what her hair looks like, how’s it styled? Is she wearing any of her family’s jewels? Does she feel comfortable in her new dress, is it too revealing or not enough to show her emerging figure?

Is she excited about seeing Jon when she arrives? What’s her reaction to him? Is her heart racing? Pulse quickening, palms sweating?

You describe her through Jon’s eyes as he first sees her, show me how he reacted.
Example:

Jon’s breath caught, as Henrietta came into view. The shimmering green material clung to her small frame, her curves clearly defined. His pulse quickened as her perfume drifted through his mind. She was the most exquisite creature he’d laid eyes on.

She’s having a discussion with Jon—she lied to him. Ex: A tinge of remorse hung in the air, as she’d known she’d lied to him.

Okay, the dance. I WANT MORE! Did they twirl about and her feet floated as if she were an angel? Did he sweep her across the floor as if no one else where in the room? Did his touch; his fingers on her back cause her pulse to race?

Was she disappointed when asked to dance with another?

Did Margaret blush when Henrietta asked her about who she wanted at the party?

Ch 6

Charles capture. Show me how he reacted—what was going through his mind? Angry, ashamed—did he give his men a long hard stare?

Ransom note. Is Catherine distraught? Lightheaded, faint, anxiety ridden? It is her son, I would have a reaction as a mother.

Ch 7

Jon stole Henrietta away. She is too lax. Give me some romance! : )

A quick kiss? What was Jon’s reaction?

Jon’s doing inventory as punishment. Henrietta talks to him again . . . here’s what could happen.

She watched him from a distance, admiring his strong arms as he moved the bulky items around. It was a tedious task of inventory, a punishment he willingly took for her. Her pulse quickened as the space between them shrank; a breeze brought his musky scent to her nostrils. She inhaled deeply, knowing she’d miss it when he was gone.
Jon looked up, a warmth spread as his smile grew. Henrietta’s beautiful brown eyes reminded him of autumn, his favorite season. His chest tightened, muscles tensed as she drew closer. Jon’s green eyes soaked in her presence one last time, an image now burned in his memory forever.

First Kiss! MORE!!!

I hope this is helpful and you don’t find it critical, as I was not trying to be. You’ve got a lot of potential and a lot of workable material.

My first editions were works in progress, no one writes perfectly—ever. There is always going to be someone who loves it, likes it or dislikes. That’s what makes us all unique we each want something different. How boring would it be if everyone were the same? Variety is the spice of life. : )

When I get a chance I will try and read more—that’s if you want me to. I’m sorry I delayed in reading, but glad you reminded me.

When you make changes, if you choose to that is, let me know and I will reread if you’d like.

Lisa / Cheyenne – A Timeless Series Novel, Book One

To be honest, although you have a good setting I found it hard to get into the characters. The story seemed to need a bit of polishing. I couldn't feel like I was actually in a serious medieval story with the expected speech and narration. I only say so simply so I can be of some help (a little salt, you know--granted, I never did like salt in my cookies). But I'm sure with some more work it will be a really lovely story. I really liked you premise--I found it eye catching, so that says something!

--Shieldmaiden

This feels like a good start, but personally, and feel free to take my opinion however you see fit, it feels like it needs a lot of refining and tweaking.

I found the dialogue clunky, and often the characters spoke purely to inform the reader. Passing on information via speech, without appearing to be doing so, is one of the more subtle skills of writing; unfortunately it's also one of the trickiest. I don't speak from the perspective of a master, just someone who has suffered the same struggle.

Also struggled to find the personality of the characters within the dialogue. Felt like the same voice saying everything, and didn't feel as though I were in the midst of a conversation. Lacked the natural rhythm of two people talking.

Some of the descriptive writing fell in to the same trap. There are a lot of unnecessary words clogging up your sentences.

Please do not take my words as criticism for criticisms sake, they are just my view and are only offered as assisstance, not as discouragement.

I have to admit that you have quite a tale with The Unexpected Rescuer, I am intrigued with Torin and his real reasons for starting this war. I am compelled to read on see how this curious story will develop. Backed with pleasure. J.S.

Hi, I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Chapter 1: Dramatic start. I want to know what Roland's going to be late for. :)

1 tiny thing. I think descriptive speech tags such as "exclaimed" are rarely needed because we can see from the speech the tone of the words. I'd suggest using "said" pretty much exclusively because it's a more transparent word that lets the dialogue shine for itself.

He really is in a rush, isn't he? This is a v dynamic opening. Sounds like he's in trouble from the guards' dialogue. Uh oh. :(

I've another small suggestion on dialogue here. I think your dialogue would read even better if you could loosen it up a bit. eg "He is going to be late to the meeting that is being held now" sounds a bit formal and stiff. Here, I'd suggest something like "He'll never make the meeting in time." I think more relaxed dialogue sounds closer to real speech.

Reading on... Looks like Roland's there in the nick of time. And he's a prince. And it looks like there are serious matters afoot. Piracy, and maybe even war. I want to read on and see where this is going. ;)

Next section, and a new character in Henrietta. A fed up character from the looks of things. ;)

I've a suggestion here. I think your story could be even more vivid if you could find ways to show more and tell less. eg "...waiting impatiently for him to return from his meeting." is you telling the reader a fact. It's a bit like lecturing the reader. Something like "Henrietta stood in the hallway outside Roland's suite, arms crossed, shoulders hunched" would show the reader how Henrietta appears. The reader can then infer she's impatient. I think such a technique would involve the reader in your story more.

Reading on... Shock news. It really is war. I like the dialogue between the siblings. Their worry and the sense of urgency really comes through. Looks like Henrietta's a gutsy character. She wants to learn how to fight. Good for her. I doubt that'll go down well with the king if he ever finds out. ;)

Next section. Looks like this isn't just a whim for Henrietta. she's a girl who knows her own mind, it seems. I'm betting she'll get her way somehow. ;)

I've a suggestion here that I think would draw readers into your story even more. Have you ever considered writing each scene from just 1 character's POV? eg in the section beginning "Roland couldn't believe..." the writing starts out as Roland's POV, but it switches to his sister's by the time we reach "Henrietta could tell...". I think this can be a bit disorienting for the reader. If, instead, an entire scene was written through just 1 POV, the reader could share that character's experiences in more depth. I think this could really draw the reader in more.

Reading on. Good for her. Looks like she's convinced her brother to help by playing on his protective instincts. Clever.

Next section. Lots of good dialogue here. I think the dialogue makes it clear the siblings are v close. And her training starts in the next section. :)

Bittersweet chapter ending. Playful everyday banter, shadowed by realisation of what's coming. It's an effective contrast. I want to read on and see what happens. :)

Chapter 2: I like Henrietta's reminiscence. It actually makes me feel a bit sorry for her. Looks like she's being left behind while her brothers do all the exciting stuff. I'm guessing that's a large part of the reason she wants to learn how to fight.

and Henrietta likes Jon, doesn't she ;). Hmmm ... when war comes it looks like she'll have more to worry about than just the safety of her brothers...

OK I'll stop the in depth commenting now as I've already gone on for too long. I think I've read enough to have a feel for your writing and story now.

I enjoyed this. There's plenty of conflict looming from the start of your book. I find myself wanting to read on and discover what happens. I think you've done a good job of showing the close relationship between the siblings, making the reader empathise and sympathise with them. i can see your audience being desperate to learn what happens to the siblings.

I've rated this v highly, and will put it on my shelf as soon as I can make a space for it. :)

I do hope you get an agent/publisher. Best of luck,

Pete x

Lisa,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

I love the shot gun start. You get right down to business but, unlike many authors that try this approach you don't forget to paint a picture at the beginning so that the reader can situate himself visually, in the story.

There are two things that I would improve. A little bit more of character descriptions so that reader has a mental picture of your characters.

and two

more connective tissue between the dialogue, so that this picture the reader has can stay/expand and grow more granular in his mind as he reads along

Wonderful

Best

David

This is a great story line and it runs smoothly for the most part. There are a few rough spots here and there. Also, this is suppose to be a medieval tale yet it reads like a modern day novel. You do a marvelous job describing things and how they look but the characters themselves talk like we do now. I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.

The Unexpected Rescuer

The premise to this story is really engaging. Nice hook in your pitch.

The first thing I noticed while reading Chapter 1 is how frequently and abruptly the POV shifts. Within the first half of the chapter, there have been at least 7 shifts. I followed them very easily. BUT it is my understanding that editors look very unfavorably upon this practice. That isn't to say that 3rd person multiple and juxtiposed isn't a manner of writing. It is to say that
1) there has to be an extremely compelling reason to shift POV in the same Chapter.
2) the shift has to be seemless.

Typically, when a person leaves the scene, a shift within the chapter is allowed. Also, a shift in a Chapter break is allowed. Usually once a shift in POV has occured, it is wise to stay with the new POV through to the next chapter or chapter break. Take a look at Echo where I've written 3rd person multiple for an example of what I mean.

The second thing I noticed is the argument between sister & brother was IMO baseless and irrelevent. This is one technique for telling information. It isn't widly accepted as a good practice. The primary reason it isn't good is because of the "TELLING". IMO, anytime an author resorts to telling, it pulls the reader out of the here & now. Even in an argument ... which might be happening "now" ... it is still "telling". I would suggest that most readers would understand that the King's oldest son is the heir. It is almost an insult to the reader, esp one who likes this genre' to tell something that is self-evident.

The third thing I noticed, there doesn't seem to be a "hook" at the end of the chapter. There isn't any reason ... question ... intrigue to keep me turning pages.

At the risk of sounding preachy and mean, I want to remind you that the fiction author's job is not to diseminate information. It is to entertain. To open a door and let someone take a peek and want to push the door open further.

I think you show a lot of promise. Your mechanics are very good and you have a wonderful idea. There is so much you can do with this story and I suspect it will have very wide appeal. I know you've worked hard on it as your attention to your proper mechanics show. So please don't be put off by my remarks. I want to encourage you to reach higher and knock-em out with this story.

Raechel
Echo

This was amazing! I absolutely enjoyed every second of it and want to read more! Is it possible for me to read the rest of it?

Yes! If you give me your email, I'll send it to you.