Crazy

Different and intriguing. You have a bizarre psycho thriller without the gratuitous horror. Quite an achievement!
Kevin

Edgy. Exciting. This is a captivating thriller. Very believable characters and vivid scenes. Convincing dialogue. Fast paced. Backed.

This is a facinating read the realsim is visable and you're focus is tight making the charcters and diolouge a captivating experince for the reader. C W

This is a freaky story. On the surface, Murray Heights is similar to hundreds of other towns in the U.S., but underneath that veneer, they all have a darkness or a potential for it. The van from the mid-80s pulling up next to Noelle is chilling since it quickly breaks the enjoyment she was experiencing and puts her into a world of horror. This line sums it up: "Suddenly, all the calmness of the world was gone." It vaguely reminds one of the first flashes of missiles raining down on Baghdad in March of 2003. Since then, hell continued to rain. Being with Alec, though, is a difference. The idea of having to be a statue for a week is intriguing as is Noelle being stuck behind a two-way mirror at the local mall. What a weird situation that is occurring. I'm glad you uploaded the complete text so that I can come back and read the rest when I get a little time. Backed for now.

Lee Veinot

This story is filled with intrigue as Noelle and Alec's disappearance seems first a petty mischevious act but turns into something more sinister. You have built a deranged villain against whom the unfortunate Noelle and Alec must somehow overtake to gain their freedom. But HOW? the reader wonders. The reader is taken along the journey of anticipation, frustration and sheer panic these MC's face as they wonder WHY this is happening to them. The reader wants to know what is going to happen next.

Somethings you may want to consider: Incorporate actions of the characters into their dialog to get rid of some of the dialog tags. Too many tends to slow down the action. It is a delicate balancing act but it is one that can make all the difference. You don't have to always give a justification or description for the characters actions, nor do you have to describe them.

This is as you have it now!

"Mr. O'Reily?" Nikki said, knocking on the principal's door.
"Yes, how may I help you?" he responded in a deep voice.
"Its regarding Noelle and Alec," she answered.
"come in," Principal O'Reilly said in a sigh of relief. Finally some answers, he thought.

Without the descriptive tags:

"Mr. O'Reily?" Nikki knocked on the principal's door.
His voice was deep and matter of fact. "Yes, how may i help you?" (We know who is responding because we know who she is talking to, so you don't have to point that out.)
"Its regarding Noelle and Alec."
"Come in." Finally some answers, he thought. (Notice I removed: said in a sigh of relief.)

Too many descriptive dialog tags slows down the action and can be distracting. Go through the script for other such occurrences. You will find you have a tighter, action packed thriller that keeps the reader on the edge. Backed.

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

This has a feel of Hitchcock about it. Very tense and a feeling that something more than we know is going on.
Backed of course.

As soon as I read the pitch, I said 'Oh I've got to read that', and you kept that feeling going throughout! This is a great thriller, written well and full of action and suspense. My only point would be to watch use of the word 'realized'. It takes the reader out of the action, and in some places, it is really not needed. For example, 'She realized there were no seats, just an open space'. This would work just as well as a short, snappy sentence 'There were no seats, just an open space.' As it's in third person, I don't think you need to describe everything exactly as it's being seen. Otherwise, the writing is excellent, engaging the reader, beautifully descriptive, and full of suspense.

Good luck!

Selena Hallahan - 'With Teeth'

The plot sounds good enough to entice the young reader and I'm sure the story is good from your many comments.

However, I didn't get past your first paragraph. I'd like to suggest that you rephrase many of your sentence structures. There is an overuse of 'was', 'had' & 'were'. which distracts from the flow. If I were you, I would go over your manuscript and try to replace as many as you can. One example of a change: Something about the way buds on maple trees filled with the bright green of new life, the brilliant colors of flowers, and the new melodies from birds spoke of change.

I hope I've been of some help to you.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Crazy Chapter 1 to 5
This has a lot of potential and is firmly directed at its target audience of YAs.
The start of Chapter 1 is relaxed at first. All seems well with Noelle's world, the near perfect town of Murray Heights. It's Spring and she can smell the freshness of the green foliage and hear the birds singing. But something is not quite right. As a reader, I'm wondering what's going to go wrong and why will Noelle always remember it? You've made me too curious to stop now and already I like Noelle and care about what happens to her.
The arrival of the sinister van while Noelle is listening to her ipod is a tense moment. Noelle is in effect deaf and cannot hear the door being opened and the footsteps behind her. She is frightened and shocked when the masked kidnapper grabs her. She strugggles but he is too strong for her and he lifts her into the van and handcuffs her. You could perhaps reveal her fear a little more as she tries to shout and kicks against the strong man and then the side of the van. She might be killed or raped or tortured at any moment. Show her terror.
And then she sees her fellow pupil Alec, also tied up in the van. I'm wondering if they'd been kidnapped for a particular reason or if it was a random grab of any two students? What is the kidnapper's motive. It is hard to say at this point but I'm thinking it might be revenge of some sort (either on the two personally or on the town in general) or maybe a ransom? You've certainly got me thinking of the possibilies!
Chapter 2 introduces more of the students and shows the conflict that's caused by the different friendship groups within the school. It gets violent when Allison hits one boy and threatens Nikki, all because Nikki tries to stick up for Noelle. We can see how destructive it can be and how the relationships between friends are sometimes tense and open to bullying and even blackmail! So is this linked to the kidnap?
Chapter 3 the level of tension increases when we find Alec trapped inside a statue. This is strange. The kidnapper has thought this out well and has gone to the trouble of inserting tubes in his veins and into his nose so he can be nourished and have oxygen. So there appears to be no intention to kill him, but why is he being held there for one week? It seems as if it might be punishment for something he has done (or the kidnapper thinks he has done) in the past.
The relationships between the students becomes even more destructive in Chapter 4. It's revealed how Allison has been blackmailing Mike into being her boyfriend...she appears to be a really unpleasant individual and now I'm thinking whether her jealousy or insecurities are behind the kidnapping! There are a lot of complicated emotions under the surface and it seems there may be lots of people who could be feeling jealous or angry ...but would they be angry enough to plan and carry out an organised kidnap? They would have to be able to drive a van, strong enough to overpower the students and then carry them in and out of the van and then skilled enough to insert the tubes. Would any of the students be able to do that? Perhaps it's an ex-student who is older?
Noelle's prison is different than Alec's. She is looking onto the shopping mall and is trapped under a two way mirror. She has been left food and water and a note saying she is also to be left one week. What is going on here? And it seems there may be more than one kidnapper because of the different coloured eyes. Are two working together or is it one kidnapper using different coloured contact lenses?
You've given us a puzzle here and also some interesting characters. Nikki is clearly determined to stand up for what she thinks is right and she stands up against Allison and also explainns her view to the condescending headteacher. I think the YAs will enjoy the fact Nikki is right and the headteacher is wrong re their disappearance.
A few nits:
Chapter 4 The paragraph that begins "You know, the way Allison got him...would have anything to do with him [her] if she hadn't..."
In some sentences (throughout the chapters I read) you use "that" twice..perhaps you could omit some of these. I think it would help the flow and speed of the pace too.
I really like both Nikki and Noelle and even near the start of the novel, they feel like fully developed characters. But Dean (so far) seems a bit of a stereotype (good looking, sporty and very thick). Could you make him more interesting? Perhaps he becomes more interesting later, but maybe put a hint in earlier?
I think this is the sort of book many YAs will enjoy reading because it relates to their age group and the High School experience. They will recognise the power of peer pressure, the complexities of having a crush on someone and the need to keep in with their friends...all making it an convincing story for the teenage market. BACKED
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca.

Backed Crazy. Another “PSYCHO” is on the loose! This is a real page turner. Vivid descriptions.
CC Brown
Dark Side

A thriller which should hold the interest of teenage college students. I found the relationship explanations a bit tedious but the kidnappings were a hook. Perhaps a little more descriptions of the emotions felt by the victims would add interest. None of them expressed worries for themselves or their families. Backed for the unusual situations the victims find themselves in, Regards, Anne

Different and intriguing. You have a bizarre psycho thriller without the gratuitous horror. Quite an achievement!
Kevin

Lee,
Here are my thoughts on Crazy. For a thriller/horror you might be helped with at least a hint of gloom and doom in the opening page. You have a page or 2 of very well descibed serenity, which would work nice in a movie as it would only take a few minutes to show and establish. But you may lose the bookstore browsers who want to be hooked from the get go. I was thinking if you opened with the obduction of Noelle then have her go deep into her own thoughts while riding in the van. "why wasn't I more careful? Why did I spend so much time looking at the spring flowers?" etc. That way you have you hook early and you establish the quiet setting also.
Just a thought.
Good luck,
MickR - The Nightcrawler

Hi Lee -- lots of potential here. I read the first chapters and enjoyed them.
A few small nits:
repetition of 'first signs' in opening paragraph.
'The one-way mirror bothered Noelle in a unique way.' (seemed awkward)
Do you mean one-way mirror or two-way mirror?
A body lied on the opposite side of the van. (lay)

I hope this is helpful. Feel free to ignore, of course.
Good luck, backed with pleasure.
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

This is a facinating read the realsim is visable and you're focus is tight making the charcters and diolouge a captivating experince for the reader. C W

I like the pitch a lot and I think that this book has a lot of potential. I've read the first 5 chapters and I like it. The writing is very clean and to the point so there's really no awkwardness. I only wish that you could be a bit more descriptive at times and try to avoid the obvious - like saying someone looked mad enough to kill someone (describe the way their nostrils flare and the tint of the skin or something so that the reader can come to this conclusion instead). But that is only my suggestion that you don't have to take.

Other than that I really like this and I wish you the best in getting it published.

Lacey

Lee,
I finally figured out how to critique on authonomy. Pulled it up twice and I can now read your novel in one window and comment on this one. Here's my take.

Why start all 1st 4 paras with Noelle? Break it up a bit. Give her last name in the first para. No tension in opening scene. Put headphones on her. Concentrate on the van coming from behind and put headphones on Noelle to make it believeable she doesn't notice Humming doesn't cut it. Why do I care if there's crime in her neighborhood? Your abductor in this scene has blue eyes. Are the brown eyes Eric sees in chap. 3 a different person? A body "lay" on the opposite side. You deflate the tension with the prom queen exposition. Get that in earlier or later, but not when she should be in terror.

These blocks of exposition for every new character are clunky. You need to show personality by setting the scene and showing their reactions. Just have the two girls, Alison and Nikki, refer to Noelle scornfully as the "Prom Queen" and tone it down. Let the relationships develop rather than throwing them out in explanation. As it's written, they're stereotypical.

The writing is good, but a bit stiff because of what I noted above. Go find a suspense book and see how the author creates tension. This first chapter is critical. It needs a rewrite from a critical perspective, trying to put yourself in your MC's head. SHOW them struggling to free their mouths. Have them kicking the sides of the van.
I wouldn't have continued, as a reader, after the first chapter.

Sorry, don't mean to be critical. It doesn't need a lot of work, but it does need some.

Take care,

JohnB

This is a freaky story. On the surface, Murray Heights is similar to hundreds of other towns in the U.S., but underneath that veneer, they all have a darkness or a potential for it. The van from the mid-80s pulling up next to Noelle is chilling since it quickly breaks the enjoyment she was experiencing and puts her into a world of horror. This line sums it up: "Suddenly, all the calmness of the world was gone." It vaguely reminds one of the first flashes of missiles raining down on Baghdad in March of 2003. Since then, hell continued to rain. Being with Alec, though, is a difference. The idea of having to be a statue for a week is intriguing as is Noelle being stuck behind a two-way mirror at the local mall. What a weird situation that is occurring. I'm glad you uploaded the complete text so that I can come back and read the rest when I get a little time. Backed for now.

Different, but I like this one as well. Backed.

Edgy. Exciting. This is a captivating thriller. Very believable characters and vivid scenes. Convincing dialogue. Fast paced. Backed.

is it not all loaded? I wrote it all.

There is nothing I enjoy more than a good read and you have provided one. Please don’t let this wonderful story die abandoned and incomplete. Happily backed and looking forward to the next chapters

Jon

I enjoyed reading this very much. The beginning scared the hell out of me and the tension didn't let up. Shelved, with pleasure.

Carol

This is certainly a different story, managing to bring fear as well as action into the chapters. My only little nitpick is the word realised. It is used often and at times out of context. Realizing would be better than she realized or don't use the word at all. But that's personal preference. Happy to back. Dargarma

This is setting up to be a pretty scary book! I can't imagine facing my worst fear! You've got an awesome premise and it's got so much potential to do some creepy stuff with. Your writing is well executed and gives us an entertaining story. I could see this as a movie, it plays that vividly as I read. I enjoyed this very much!

Missy

This is an excellent premise for a story. There is a termendous amount of potential here. I do think you could work on the transitions from one chapter to the next and even the chapters themselves seemed short and sometimes rushed. Unpack some of the descriptions and feelings. We also start with Noelle and it took me sometime to switch from her perspective to that of the MC's. Just some things to think about--but I do believe the storyline is a solid one that will easily attract the attention of your target audience.
Barbara

Having taught enough of the little (an nowadays, not so little) buggers I can assure you that this would be a storm for the YA. They hate being condescended to, they hate being molly coddled and they hate being guided. Your writing is mature, you hit them right between the eyes and you treat them as if they are readers and not sock puppets. I would use this in class.

As a father of some of the little brats who are now, thankfully grown up (so their birth certificates tell me) I would have applauded their reading of this (and probably have nicked it from their bookcases).

Excellent fare.

BACKED

Thanks!

First off...your pitches are excellent. Really, they could grace your bookcover. Your story idea is brilliant and one that I think would have YAs everywhere on the edge of their seat. And your writing doesn't disappoint either. It's polished and perfectly paced for this thriller. Well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

In response to the name Crazy, it refers more to what happens later on in the book. I'll tell you why if you're done reading it. Do you have any advice on how to flesh out the chapters? I wrote this book 10 years ago and every time I try to expand segments I hit a wall.

I am backing this book based on the few chapters that I have read so far. It is well-written and suspenseful. Characters are well-drawn. Dialogue is believable.

Small nit - anyways versus anyway. Anyways is considered slang and is appropriate in dialogue between some characters. But it gave me pause each time I read it.

But the book should do well. Backed.

Patricia West Hays
The Witness Tree

Crazy

Lee Veinot

After reading your pitches I tried to figure out why the title "Crazy"? I guess the kidnapper must be crazy? Took a look at your first HC chapter one upload which contains eight chapters, some very short. Guess you're still fleshing out some of them? "...would you think it strange if your baby were born without toenails?..." You have some entertaining bits which I enjoyed. The descriptive start especially was nice. I think you have a creative foundation for this novel and hopefully as you go along you'll be able to flesh out the chapters so they are more substantial. As it is, many of them are skeletons at the moment, but I can see your plot development through them, which looks promising. Best of luck.

Lee,

I enjoyed reading your work. Suspenseful and you give good background details. Good descriptions of Murray heights and noelle.
Very good read for the YA.
Highly recommended

backed
The date

good introduction, there seems to be a lot of real-life dialogue which later on seems to drive the story more than in the first chapters. only natural, of course, although I got a bit of a sense that the characters voices were not as distinct as they perhaps could have been. that's the only criticism I can think off, but it's really just a nit-pick since I could really find anything else to bitch about :P

Dear Lee,
I like your opening chapter. Noelle is a believable teenager, lost in her thoughts, not realizing that her idyllic town could be dangerous. So real! I will try to read more. Meanwhile, great job!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

You have finely crafted a most compelling and interesting thriller. Your dialogue is crisp and well written. Your work is character rich, your character development of Nikki is excellent as is your use of imagery. All of this coupled with your descriptive writing ensures that your story will have a broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

The pitch has me intrigued. I have it on my watch list to read when I have more time to devote to it :)

This is excellent - to give it the exposure it deserves think about putting it under a few other genres as well like young adult and thriller. This is going to do well here.

Liz
The Cheech Room

This is excellent - to give it the exposure it deserves think about putting it under a few other genres as well like young adult and thriller. This is going to do well here.

Liz
The Cheech Room

CRAZY
Lee,

Well done on posting a really exciting and intriguing story. It deserves to do well on here. Backed
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Dear Lee
What a plot, what a short pitch and oh my what a long pitch that just gave me enough to make me want to have the whole meal. CONGRATS on selling your book to me. now the read
I will put on my WL and comment later
Denise
The Letter

An interesting storyline of a contemporary nature. A suggestion is to include a Prologue, Backed Chuck (Literary Agent Blues)

Dear Lee,
Congrats on posting Crazy, having read you pitch I truly believe this is an amazing story with great potential.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

Great pitch and a well written story. Backed

Sarah Louise

Just to let everybody know, I haven't had this book edited yet.

CRAZY
I think one of everyone’s deepest fears is that they’re be kidnapped by an insane person and that’s what happens here. It makes this a very scary story. I like the accent on how kids at school are careful to choose their friends only from their own social strata. I think you’ll find a large teenage audience for this who want to see the “in kids” get theirs for a change. I’m happy to add it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 4th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Well paced,good writing and a creative story.
Backed
Scorselo-the Communicator

Dear Lee, I love your heroine :) - everyone should be a diligent as Nikki :) - this world would be a wonderful place. :) Great wrtie! :) May you write a lot of books. :) Your pitch, paragraphing & dialogue are excellent. :) I've backed your book :) - hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is great and it would make a good film. Well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean ismy valley)

Lee,

Your pitches and your writing sold me. Welcome to Authonomy and to my shelf.

Rodney