Babel

Brilliant, this is my type of book through and through. Very strong beginning that hooks the reader; excellent research and vivid characters bring it alive. Story telling at its best! Starred and backed. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Stampman's Review
Wonderful beginning. I can tell that you did research and put some serious thought into the "What if?" question. It is easy to make mistakes with historical fiction, even moreso with biblical fiction but you took a familiar story and made it totally your own. Well done! Your vivid description supplied in a biblical tone creates a world that is both brand new and familiar.

I only had time to read a few chapters but I look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing your vision with us.

Wakefield Mahon
Emerald Dreams & Too Much Love

You have created, in Thad, a character of strength and God-ordained obedience. Your descriptions regarding his night time travel were spectacular. By the end of the chapter, there is the reamrkable reminder that even through trial and things we do not understand, we must trust and obey. On to #3!
Carrie
The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's Defeat

Wow- through the story of Jaiyl, you have depicted fear, despair, joy. And through her father, anger at God that everyone feels at one time or another. You gracefully address integration of people forced to be "different" from one another. I loved the bit about Jaiyl recieving the new horse and then having to chase for it- delightful!
Carrie
The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's Defeat

S.

Thank you so much for supporting my book for such a long time. I am on the desk because of your help and I feel very thankful and indebted. I’m sorry it has taken me so long to review Babel, what I read was very good.

The story is told with a tone of mystery which keeps the reader moving forward. I loved the sense of doom and plotting that occurred in the prologue and you do such a great job giving enough description without leading the reader too much.

There was just one thing in the prologue that I wondered about. When does this take place? Originally, I thought it was the story of the Biblical Tower of Babel, but the “panels, gears, and controls” made me think of a much more modern era.

I read through chapter three and really loved what I read. Thad’s history of how he came to settle in his village and how he was to protect the scrolls shows the importance of what Jaiyl I reading. I liked the truths that Thad shares with Van and his brothers and also how Jaiyl learns to trust in God. That’s what Christian fiction should be.

You have some great metaphors. One of my favorites was in chapter two . ““I felt the peculiar, familiar tug of God urging me forward just as surely as Tikvah felt the pull of my reins.”

Your writing is really clean - no typo‘s or problems with grammer that I could see. I did notice one repetitive phrase that you might want to change up. Twice, you say that the father’s voice is so low Jaiyl had to strain to hear him.

I am really impressed with your writing and the story. I’m sure the rest is just as good as the beginning. We’d love for you to join the Christian forums. Your book deserves more attention than it’s getting. Six Stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hi again Sherry,

I'm returning to reread your book as I remember particularly liking it]. :)

I love the epic feel you give your book from the start. It's so ominous. I just know terrible and Earth-shattering events are coming. It makes me want to read on. ;)

When the story really kicks off, I think Jaiyl brings everything together. She's such a great character, so real and so human. I really empathise with her and want to follow her struggles, rooting for her all the way. ;)

On my 2nd reading, I think this is a fascinating and clever twist in biblical events. I think you do a great job of really bringing the story to life, showing how things could have happened on a human level. It's a clever and involving book. I can see why i liked and backed this in the past. ;)

Last time I read this, the star rating system didn't even exist, so I'm giving you as many stars as possible right now. I think your book definitely deserves that. :)

Best wishes,

Pete x

Nice beginning. One thing though. Phut is actually spelled Put, and you forgot the "a" in Noah. Or were those intentional changes to distinguish it as fiction?
I'll be adding at it to my watch list.

Babel
I've read ch 6, the dialogue is good, and the writing also
Backed
Lenny Harry
(Like a dot on the horizon)

Really interesting and unique. 5 stars.

Great beginning! Is the tower the Tower of Babel? Love the religious hook!

Babel is written in such an original style. I love the epic sweep of this narrative. It's like something out of the Bible written in modern-day English. It's so imaginative and enchanting. Backed with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Dear S! Wonderfully presented, with a passionate prose, that immediately envelops the reader. A rich and rewarding elucidatory picture of symbolic parables that are so pleasing to the eye. I can see that you have worked hard, to hide how much research you've done. So naturally woven into your Biblical tale, that takes a legendary lesson and leaves us all, just as curious, to read this cautious tale. Not much of a critic, but I am an avid reader and collector of rare and fine literature. And this story has a sense of something, that will last a little longer than your usual book. Best wishes and good luck with your book. And please look out for my support. Take care, Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

Brilliant, this is my type of book through and through. Very strong beginning that hooks the reader; excellent research and vivid characters bring it alive. Story telling at its best! Starred and backed. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Your story is really nice.

Babel once destroyed, humans dispersed, is it being built again every day to even higher heights? This is a unique view.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Hey Sherry,
Glad to comment from a Christian prospective. By the way, I felt like I connected with prologue a lot better since the last time I read it. I don't know if you changed it, or reading it from a different perspective, or even the slowness of the new system is helping a bit.

Okay, so the prologue, from a Christian perspective pretty clear that you are mirroring the tower of Babel story. Your characters speak for themselves. The arrogancy of Phut, who in essence rebels and tries to become like God rather than choosing submission and humility to a greater Being, ends up being his undoing. God punishes him and his people for this by giving the each a different tongue and in essence alienating them from each other, so that they cannot come back together and make another contraption like the one they have built. Phut's response instead of submission is only to get angrier and this time plots and even craftier scheme against God, by what sounds like a genetic program to create the perfect human? (Kind of a Dune moment for me anyway with a darker twist) So that perfect human is born generations later and so man and God will imminently face off again.

God is depicted much like He is depicted in the Old Testament, but I hope you expound upon his character some more in later chapters. What we see of your characterization of God currently from this snapshot is not a cuddly picture of God, but a picture of the Creator- Creation relationship, master versus servant, ect, ect. Man is disobedience, God punishes. What we don't have is a point of connection to God. We do not know his reason for punishing man at this moment. All we have is a distant Creator punishing a disobedient creation. He is so powerful that He doesn't even have to make himself present to stop Phut's creation from accomplishing its evil intention (which I didn't quite grasp what it was going to do). We do not have a personal and human messiah to allow for a connection point at this moment, so we do not know that He does punishes out of love to help bring his people back into a persona relationship with him. We don't have the full story. Much like if we read just the story of the tower of Babel story on its own, it only gives us a piece of the story. The rest of the story surrounds that one piece. So yes, I think it is a fair representation of the story the Tower of Babel and an excellent rendition of all the character's aspects. Reading it, we do tend to connect with Phut more than anything since he is the POV we are experiencing your story through. The question is though: is this what you are trying to portray? I hope this helps.

-Christian Rogue (Wings of the Heart)

A Stampman Orphan Review
I have read the first chapter, sorry all I have time for, but found that I followed all of the implications of living against the rules of God: the scientists, who had known each other for years, could no longer communicate as this facility had been removed when they dared to renounce him. An omnipotent rather than a benevolent diety. They wanted to live in a society of man, where they were free to determine their own lives, to discover for themselves what was necessary and what was not. Now they have it in spades! Like children, they have to re-learn all of the skills that came so naturally before, walking, talking etc. Would this make for a society who repent and ask God for his omnipresence once more? No way! They dig in and plan for the long haul, seperated into smaller communities (language barrier) they wait for their own messiah. And now 'he' has been born...
A great premise that will make for an interesting novel.
Good luck with this!
Millie C

A Stampman Orphan Review
I have read the first chapter, sorry all I have time for, but found that I followed all of the implications of living against the rules of God: the scientists, who had known each other for years, could no longer communicate as this facility had been removed when they dared to renounce him. An omnipotent rather than a benevolent diety. They wanted to live in a society of man, where they were free to determine their own lives, to discover for themselves what was necessary and what was not. Now they have it in spades! Like children, they have to re-learn all of the skills that came so naturally before, walking, talking etc. Would this make for a society who repent and ask God for his omnipresence once more? No way! They dig in and plan for the long haul, seperated into smaller communities (language barrier) they wait for their own messiah. And now 'he' has been born...
A great premise that will make for an interesting novel.
Good luck with this!
Millie C

BABEL: Oh, I like this! The different characters and their stories, the history, the intrigue you've set up with Jaiyl and finding the scrolls. Good stuff. I will return and read more! Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

This is a great bible story, the tower of Babel, no? And you really do bring it to life. I like your "interpretation," and I hope that you don't mind if I take it as what it is, a great myth which makes us appreciate both the power and danger of language. And also the horrible implications, the terror and sense of loss when humans can no longer communicate and understand one another.

FEL

This is a great bible story, the tower of Babel, no? And you really do bring it to life. I like your "interpretation," and I hope that you don't mind if I take it as what it is, a great myth which makes us appreciate both the power and danger of language. And also the horrible implications, the terror and sense of loss when humans can no longer communicate and understand one another.

FEL

Chamblee, I especially liked your short description. I hope to get around to reading more soon, but it may not do you any good, as the site won't allow me to shelve any more books. Supposedly too many have been backed by this computer, though I don't know how that could be possible, since unless I am mistaken I have only backed like, one book in the last 36 hours.

FEL

interesting treatment of biblical stories

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Babel - Stampman Review -
chs 1&2 -
This is an enjoyable, creative and atmospheric piece of writing.
Negatives - the narrative voice slips into too modern phrasing, there's a tendency to cliche, and a tendency to overstatement botht pof which weaken this optherwise strong prose. There is also a dijointedness to the writing - too many bits, that break up the flow. Can this be minimised?

VOICE - eg. In the Short Pitch - 'one person would make all the difference' - is a modern sounding phrase out of sinc with the language odf the story. This recurs in chapter 1 with 'you've seen it all before', and later on 'for a week or so' and 'now there was no stopping it'. These phrases don't seem to belong, and jolt me out of the story.

Cliche - eg -' you've seen it all before' 'his world had changed forever', 'nothing was ever the same again' - these are flat phrases, too flippant for this story. Cut them out or re-write in your own original words.
Particularly - 'he knew his world had changed forever' comes, i think, from your being overanxious to st the story up - we get it. Take your time. Trust the reader to undserstand - because it is clear from the context, which is how it should be.
Cliche's can also suggest lazy writing 'standing tall, head held high' is at best tired phrasing, producing a vague picture - perhaps close in on a vein in his neck, a muscle in his arm, to get the essence of his mood / action, or pan out to the reaction of the crowd - that way you get striking/ vivid images.
I also think a little bit more desc generally wold help. eg. show me the scene with the boy and the old man - on a beach, in a wood, a fire burning, how and whre are they sitting, so give me picture to begin with.
Finally, Always ask yourself -Whose story is this? Jaiyl & Van? my feeling is to get them in as fast as poss?
Hope some of this helps,
Just because I picked at lots doesn't mean it isn't good,
just that it could be better

Simon
Charlie Marconi

BABEL
This has a very good beginning (prologue-like) - enough to get the reader immediately involved with the storyline. The shortness of this piece makes the reader use their imagination as to just what is happening and what is going to happen. I liked the 1st three chapters, although I got a bit confused in chapter 2 and had to re read some of it - probably me but I thought a little more explanation was needed. The next chapter flowed better, more relaxed choice of wording helped move the plot along.
You certainly use your imagination in this, which I enjoyed and I think you must have enjoyed writing this. Overall good and i'm happy to back this
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

A fascinating premise, and great interpretation - be it in a unique fictional way, of explaining the great "What if?" I like what you have done here. Inspiring and insightful. Backed Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Babel - In reality chapter one is a prologue. It is brief, leaving it to the reader's imagination what the true nature and purpose of the tower was with its panels and controls, the confusing of language to prevent the tower's use, dispersal of the people and seemingly, genetic selection, all in the space of a few words. The economy of words, for me, made this a powerful piece of work.
Chapter two I found rather confusing - six year old Jaiyl is woken by horrific screams that bring other members of he nomad clan racing out into the night to discover what the cause is. She eventually goes outside and finds the carcass of a horse. Frightened out of her wits she rushes back to her tent and hides under the covers. If the cause of this event is made known to the reader I could not remember it and therefore did not understand its significance in the story. Also the repetitive use of Jaiyl's name began to grate.
Chapter three, more relaxed, some good descriptive writing and the relationship with the boy Josiah and his family I thought well executed.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

HI S ...

This is a strong well written novel that with a little polish could be exceptional. You have created a work that has realistic characters with good interaction. Dialogue is good and believable and the story flows well. There is an underlying tension, that even in passive parts, simmers beneath the surface, which has the reader waiting for the trap to spring.

Now the part I do not really like. I have read to chapter 9. There is a tendency to overwrite, (My problem also) which slows the flow. When editing check for things like: 'she had a frown on her face'. This could be replaced with 'she frowned', the frown cannot be anywhere else. 'He/she nodded her head'. 'he/she nodded', is sufficient, you cannot nod any other part of your body. In a few places you have: 'Van muttered to himself'. If Van is by himself and muttering, the reader knows it is said for his benefit so 'he muttered' is all that is needed. The same with he/she smiled to herself/himself. If they are alone no need for the latter part, if not alone others will see them smile so the latter part is useless.

The use of 'had'. I read a sentence containing this word, first with and then without in a lot of places it is unnecessary and can be omitted ('that' can be treated the same). If a word ends 'ed' had is unnecessary as the word is already 'past tense': 'had learned', 'had seemed', 'had believed', 'had married'.

In chapter 7 you have used '?!' together. One or the other, but not both. You must decide which is the stronger, but I would go with the question mark (?) everytime.

The ellipsis (plural, ellipses). There is no need for a line of dots, the ellipsis is plenty. Used properly it should be: 'word ... word' with a space before and after. At the end of dialogue it should be: 'word ...' with a space before only. If used at the beginning of dialogue it should be: '... word' with a space after only and should never be used with other punctuation: 'word ...?' or: 'word ...!' In MS Word, a perfect ellipsis can be made by holding 'Alt Gr' and keying the 'fullstop' (period).

I apologise for my pickiness and hope this has been of some help. 'Backed with pleasure'. Regards ... Duncan.

Schamblee

I loved the first three chapters. An atheist though I may be, I can still appreciate The Bible as an impressive literary work, and you have channelled much of the same style, tone and reverence into your work. The characters are compelling and the mythology you've created is extremely interesting.

The only tiny criticism I can make here is that the genre isn't to everyone's taste - but then which genre is?

Backed.

Regards
DF
'What Happened On Toad Ridge'

Dear S. Chamblee,

You sell yourself short in your pitch by "you've seen it all before..." I don't usually read this genre, so I haven't seen it before and I like your wonderful Babel very much.

Best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School
(lots of babble and rabble)

BABEL (A Stampman's Review)
Liked the title. It tells us much more about your story than your original title of "The Order": more exotic and enticing, yet also dangerous.
I thought the first chapter was a great start and really gripped me. You've some powerful phrases ("Defiant scream" for example) and you increase the tension and suspense when Phut says "Begin the test" and "Nothing happened." We feel it from his POV and he is confused. What has gone wrong?
Then the scientists and supporters start talking. No one understands one another. The horror of what this means dawns on him: the lifetime's work is destroyed; the family and friends he loves and protects are isolated from him; the united city is split into small disconnected groups.
I felt his despair as he experienced true alienation for probably the first time in his life. He sees fear and pain in loved ones and feels anger at "The One" who did this terrible thing.
I know the old bible story but I'm looking at this as a stand alone book and felt everything from Phut's standpoint. I wasn't sure what or who had done this but I felt "The One" was probablly evil and malicious and Phut seems to be a brave and inventive leader who cares for his people.
Towards the end of this chapter, you reveal what happenes to the divided people. Phut's descendants seem admirable at first but then they change in the following generations and become skilled at manipulation. The last sentence is the hook that keeps us reading: who is he and what will he do?
Chapter 2 turns to Thad, a prophet and man of God. Is this god the same as "The One " I 'dt hought so evil in the last chapter? I'm not totally sure. He seems different. Is Thad the descendant of Phut referred to at the end of Chapter One?.Again, I'm not totally sure. But your description of Thad's journey from his city to the village is very well done and I could see and heard the sights and sounds. I loved the donkey and her "one black ear cocked backwards." The pine forest shows how far he has come and the faith and patience he has. You create vivid images with the prophecy scene and then the flood So far I am enjoying this and wonder if Thud is to play an important role in the story.
Chapter 3 jumps to 20 years later and a different place and people. I felt a bit disconnected at first, almost as though the first 3 chapters were separate stories (of albeit interesting people) and they appeared to have no common theme. (I realised how the first chapter and Thad fitted in at chapter 4...but maybe you could draw them together, or a least hint at it, a bit earlier in the story?)
Jaiyl is a lively MC and she is distinctive and different from her family. Her terror in the first part of the chapter is realistic and she came alive for me then. There's a sense of unease and potential danger when her powerful father explains about the one family he hates and tells her never to mix with them. Jaiyl is not prepared to take everything he says as the truth. She is beginning to doubt him. She may disobey him. As I reader, I feared for her.
The scene where her father gives her "Lily" is a nice touch., though I felt perhaps the dialogue between the two sisters was too modern for the style of the story. ("Quit yelling" jarred with me a bit).
You introduce Josiah as the boy who helps Jaiyl with her runaway horse and he introduces her to his family.There 's a sense of the inevitable here..the reader just knows they will be part of the family her father hates so much.
Jaiyl quickly believes what Micah tells her about their god and adopts him as her own. We know it will bring trouble.When her father finds out, the family is destroyed or forced to flee and Jaiyl'sl eft to protect the scrolls.
Chapter 4 Liked how you described the breeze.as being tired of being kind and growing colder and rougher as it climbed the mountain slopes. Yes, it DOES fele like that sometimes!
You introduce the brothers and Van in particular. He is beginning to feel like a well rounded character with his doubts and his wondering about what his particular talents are. Then we see how he connects with the now elderly prophet, Thad. and there is a joining of the separate stories.
Jaiyl is set to marry a man she sees as evil: Teman, a man of great power and who is used to getting his own way. I was relieved when she fled and is found by Van. Her meeting with Thad reveals her importance and we wonder what this means. Also, she is being hunted by Teman and Van's protection of her is likely to put all his family in danger....the plot is getting very exciting and is mysterious too. Who were the white robed men who protected Jaiyl when Teman's men chased after her? And why does Van's horse appear to talk to him? Also is Teman the one referred to at the end of Chapter One?
Interesting and biblical in feel, you've thought deeply about this. There's some first rate descriptions of desert, mountains, the wind and forests etc. Jaiyl came alive for me but on a few occasions her interaction with others did not convince. Eg her dialogue with sister but also in the way some characters feel as if they're only there to carry the plot forwards. eg Joshua. However once we meet Van I feel their interaction is more convincing.
Just a few very minor nits in a very well-written and edited story:
Chapter 2 , paragraph 2: The word "quickly" appears twice, quite close together. Not exactly major problem but maybe repetitive?
Chapter 2, paragraph 5. I don't feel you need "suddenly"...we can tell it is sudden by rest of the sentence.
Chapter 2 , 2nd to last paragraph. Just my impression but the word "stabilised" didn't seem to fit with the rest of the style and words you used. It sounded too technical to me.
I hope this helps . Good luck with this and you're BACKED.
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca.

I couldn't help but come check out your story after exchanging responses in the forum. This is a very interesting and distinctive plot line. I would personally pick this book up and buy it. Your pitch sold me. I like the premise and main character Jaiyl. I do agree with some of the recent comments though. I did feel a bit detached as a reader this disenchanted me while I was reading the prologue. I would like to feel more invested in the main characters and it did seem to take while to get into the story. I'm one that I like to start either right before the action or during it. Otherwise, this is really thought out and not your classic "Christian" literature which sells me. Best of luck and blessings! Backed! - Christian Rogue (Wings of the Heart)

You have chosen a really interesting plot and setting for your novel. The opening paragraphs are an excellent way to begin - the affliction of languages beyond comprehension, the red mountain as backing. I think perhaps it's a mistake to then have another mini-prologue, as it seems. This either needs filling out completely, or restructuring into a later section. Thestory really comes into its own when you introduce Jaiyle. She's a character easy to identify with. Then she finds the scrolls and the excitement builds well.
If I have a criticism it's that the time-scale has involved you in writing sections which are too short for a truly engaging narrative voice. It needs more of a feeling of continuity. However, it is an interesting read.
Lara
Good for Him
(Stampman's)

Stampman Group Review.
A well thought out story, and I caught no errors of grammar or spelling. There is something about the writing that seems detached, as if it really was a bible story being related in the same words that have been said over and over again. As a reader, I found bits of it caught my interest, and then it flagged again as the narrative somehow became more distant. I'm not even sure why, and wish I could help more. Sometimes there was a very human reference that seemed out of place with the mood, eg, Ch2, 'that sort of adventure could grow tiresome quickly.'
I wasn't too sure of the context to begin with, - it was not until the mention of the Sabbath that I concluded that 'God' was the God of Abraham, or the Jewish God, depending on just exactly when it was set. It might be worth mentioning that early, otherwise it could be any old god.
One of your real strengths is in description: phrases such as 'the donkey's hooves continued their 'crunch-snap-drag' and the unruly wind that 'played itself out in the manes of the wild horse herd.'
Minor things: Ch 2, the sentence 'leaving the city he would not be missed' needs rephrasing to make your meaning clear. Also, 'Suddenly Thad was roused.' Sometimes I think that 'suddenly' is the sign of an amateur. In this case it is unnecessary, as the donkey 'stopped abruptly.' Ch 4, Names can be spelt any way you want in your story, but calling a young man 'Robyn' instead of 'Robin' is a mistake. We expect 'Robyn' to be female.
You made me quite angry for Jaiyl in Ch 4, and I was very pleased she didn't stay around for the arrogant fiance to 'tame.'
Summary: You have put a lot of effort into this story, and I commend you. I wish you luck with it. Marj.

I like your idea of the story but it seems to be lacking slightly in detail. Yes, there are very detailed parts but then other parts there is not much detail at all. It would make the book a little longer too if you added some more details. Think of it like you are telling the story to a blind person who has never read the bible. You not only have to paint the story for them but also the people. I can see the landscape but the people are fuzzy. Please continue to write becuase this is a great story.
Jenifer Jennings
Stranger in the Meadow

Sherry, I am confident that you are a good writer, and for someone just warming up on Authonomy, you gave me some very good comments, such as,”Leave your title page, index, and all the rest for a prefix of an actual printed book.”
Indeed that was what I was trying to emulate since I have written a real book.
However, I realize now, by this experiment, that if I cannot respect and present the book properly, then I must respect the real and regrettable shortcomings and limitations of Authonomy's E-book format.
Next you say, “Tell me why it matters that you in particular had a part in electing a pope .. ”
Well, Sherry, I guess that where I'm coming from this kind of thing just doesn't happen every day – if ever (unless I've been missing something). You go on to ask, Is your story one of overcoming hardship? Is it a historical account of the Pope before he became Pope? Who is the story about - you or him?
All those are very good questions. And for any discussion group, I'll even throw in another one that you wouldn't want to miss, and that is: Who really is The Sacrificial Lamb? Unfortunately, to answer that question, if it ever can be conclusively known, my book must be presented in sequence and in its entirety. Nonetheless, to show you how much I really respect your opinion, I will do something that I didn't plan to do for this select audience. I will jump ahead, way ahead, to sub-heading # 127 (which you won't be finding in the index now that I'll be following some suggestions).
But I do see very clearly that there are many people who just can't wait (and biblical Job ain't one of them). As a result, just WATCH for the last Chapter of my imminent update because perhaps it won't be staying up for very long.
Thank you sincerely, and so long for now,
The Sacrificial Lamb
Lorne.

Stampman's Review
Wonderful beginning. I can tell that you did research and put some serious thought into the "What if?" question. It is easy to make mistakes with historical fiction, even moreso with biblical fiction but you took a familiar story and made it totally your own. Well done! Your vivid description supplied in a biblical tone creates a world that is both brand new and familiar.

I only had time to read a few chapters but I look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing your vision with us.

Wakefield Mahon
Emerald Dreams & Too Much Love

'phut', 'van' 'jayil' really babelish
not bad

I really love your use of imagery here! Many writers on Authonomy get lost in painting pictures through words, but you do a great job at using your skills to drive the story ever forward. I'm curious to see where this leads once more chapters are posted!

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

you put nimrod as a hunter i got him as a degenerated angel interesting

Turning theology on its head cy the means of science fiction is a fascinating concept to create and not an easy task. Your characters are well developed and the first couple of chapters I read flowed well. Good Luck with this. K.J>

To S Chamblee (Tower to Eternity)

Very well written, a joy to read and I look forward to reading the rest.
Delighted to give you my BACKING and I have a spot for you on my bookshelf. Good luck with your writing. Frank James (Thr Contractor)

P.s. I read the first 2 chapters.

I like the premise. The read was good also. And you had a decent amount of description, which I always enjoy. I don't know what it is, but I had some kind of disconnect with your work. I can't pinpoint it but I think it may have to do with your style. I feel like I'm being told things straight out instead of having them described to me sometimes. And at other times I love your description. I don't know. I wish you the best with this work. People like different styles. That's part of the beauty of things.

Have a great day!

- Scott

Brilliant work.... Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

I don't mean to sound harsh or cynical...I wasn't referring to any specific section but rather to the overall impression received. It reads like a simple paraphrase of the Old Testament with a twist. It's obviously not my kind of read but that doesn't mean it won't go down well with others. I try to be amusing but realise that 'it's all in the eye of the beholder' and that's what matters when it comes to being a successful writer
Best wishes
Stewart

I have no doubt that this is very effective writing within your chosen genre but at times I found it long-winded and a bit pointless. I wish you well nevertheless!
Stewart

Your captivating Christian fantasy flows well. Realistic dialogue. Memorable characters. Brilliant ambiance. Twists and turns that capture the imagination. An intriguing, complex storyline. Well presented. Backed.

The people of Phut breed a prince in defiance of God's plan, while elsewhere Thad, a prophet of God, travels to pass on a warning to a far-flung village. Years later, a lonely red-haired child excites curiosity wherever she goes. Her father has ambitions for reuniting the world divided by God, and Jaiyl wonders 'if she would be able to get along with someone who was not part of her own family'. She finds (with her strange empathy) that some peoples are indeed much warmer and more open than her own. Sadly their teaching leads to her father's anger and their disappearance, but Jaiyl finds the scrolls...

Then we meet Van and his brothers, and they live where Thad settled. Meanwhile, Jaiyl is introduced to her betrothed, 'Most women considered him devastatingly handsome, and he agreed', doesn't sound too promising. Seems Jaiyl thought so too. Her flight brings her into contact with Van, and a couple of mysterious guardians. From there, Van's mother takes over. And then the decision is made to take Jaiyl to see Thad, which strikes me as a wise move.

There's some delightful use of language throughout: 'The donkey's hooves continued their crunch-snap-drag', 'a lack of noise that seemed louder than the closest thunder', 'She was a flurry and a flash of confusing colors'. The story seems a little like A Pilgrim's Progress, or a detailed parable, especially early on. I enjoyed it most after Van and Jaiyl got together and it became their personal story, within the bigger picture. This is not a genre I would normally read, not being particularly religious, but it is nevertheless an entertaining and challenging read, and I'm happy to back it.

Some possible nits - use any you agree with and ignore the others: Pitch: 'lives ... living an unremarkable life ... into his life. Consider these two slight rewordings: 'In an unremarkable village, Van lives an unremarkable life. That one little valley is his whole world ... until the day a mysterious girl arrives, and nothing is ever the same again'. 'Two worlds collide: Van has nothing to hide and has never been afraid, while Jaiyl is all secrets and fear'. Story: 'look inside ... look somewhere else ... Look at this'. 'an undulating wave', is that a bit redundant? 'the first time in her life ... The first time Jaiyl'. 'The practice of marrying off a daughter...' here you stop the story to tell the reader a 'historical' fact. See if you can't do this a better way - or just omit.

Hi,

I noticed you're seeking feedback, so I jumped in at chapter 6.

Well we certainly get the impression that Teman's a nasty piece of work.

Good intreactions with Jaiyl and his family. I'd try and show a little more and tell a little less, though, when emotions are involved. eg instead of "Van saw the look of annoyance cross Jaiyl's face..." I'd write something like "Van saw Jaiyl's lips tighten..." The reader can infer the emotion from and will be more involved in the story that way. :)

After reading the chapter, I think I like your writing. Good descriptions. I especially like the way you take so much time on your characters' thoughts and mindset. The story reads well and clearly. It is engaging.

I'm happy to back your book, and wish you well with it. :)

Pete

Very nicely done. I read the first two chapters and your writing is very clean, straight forward, and without pretense. Your chapters seem to be fairly short but a lot happens in them, so it makes reading and understanding the flow of the story easy and comfortable. I backed this a few days ago. Sorry for the late comment.

Good Luck
Natalie

There are many who have commented on your opening so I jumped to two and found that the writing did not disappoint.

You many overt and covert references that can be ascribed to the Bible and I think that this was a purposeful device of authorial control to ensure that your themes stayed bound. In style you have a taut control on the language that you use so sparingly and yet manage to create a descriptive painting comforts and grounds the reader in the narrative. Excellently paced and drawn out.

BACKED

You are totally fantastic, Sherry! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoir book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

I followed you here from the Christian forum. I'm hoping you will be open to some comments on style...
"That" can be deleted in many places (it is used VERY rarely these days in English fiction and makes the writing seem old fashioned). The only one you need to keep is in the sentance "breed that perfection".
I also suggest being careful with the use of weak modifiers (words ending in ly) such a collectively and suddenly -- find a better way of conveying the activity (for example intead of writing "he walked slowly" you would say he meandered or dawdled or shuffled thus erradicating the weak modifier).
The end of the first section is a great tease - I am assuming the prince is the progragonist of the work?