Thinking Like a Wildebeest

This is an intriguing work, up to chapter four- Chapter three did not load, i think you have a problem there.
Chapter 1: 'ethereal rainbow' rhetorical, not sure that works.
'heavy footfalls stomped across the ceiling' - surely across the floor above.
Chapter 2; no faults
Chapter 4, no problems

This is building well so far and I am already interested in finding out how you will bring these two characters together in this book. I like the style and the pace is pitched just about right.

let me know if you do not want comments - i will return to this book very shortly - on my watch list and a fist full of stars- well done

Cyrus - Hellion 2

Hi Stephen, I've read ten chapters and starting to see the overlap in Joseph and Matt's stories.

Initially, I felt sorry for Matt, seemed that everything went wrong for him and that he just had a series of bad luck, but as I read on I started to get more of an impression that he's quite a pathetic character, lies to everyone and stuck in something of a time warp rut. Even his parents have had more get-up-and-go than him, leaving him behind to move to New Zealand - I wondered why he didn't go with them? I'm hoping the adventures in Africa bring a bit more substance into his character and I'm looking forward to finding out what happens if his path crosses with Caroline again and/or Joseph.

I like the way you slowly begin to introduce Joseph into the story, my only suggestion would be that the switches to his POV at the end of some chapters is abrupt - perhaps separating it in some way (such as a line of asterix) would help the transition.

Looking at the alternate chapters, I preferred 45 to 1. The Elvis at the bottom of the bed made me laugh more, but the Deirdre dream made a link to the pitch.

Why do the potential winnings drop in chapter 46 to £138,000?

Prefer chapter 46 to chapter 2. Sets up more about Stephen's frustrating work environment, who his friends and enemies are and that he can be weak in the face of a dominating personality, but I also like the scene with the geese at the reservoir in chapter three so hope that could also be retained if you switched from 2 to 46.

Not sure if it was an error in chapter three or supposed to be Anna's Polish accent - 'did you know you eat nine last week?' I didn't notice any other instances when her accent shone out so if this was deliberate, perhaps that's why it wasn't immediately obvious to me.

Joseph and Matt seem to be the main characters and the story is told from their viewpoints. There are some occasions when you reveal the thoughts and feelings of other characters, like how much Sarah doesn't want to be at Matt's flat but how much she takes pleasure in humiliating him, that pull me out of the main character's POV. From what Matt had told me about Sarah, feeling his discomfort and seeing her actions through his eyes, I'm able to infer the pleasure she gets from embarrassing him.

I can see and appreciate the comedy in the circumstances you set up for Matt in the chapters I read. I've seen how much he lies and there's already been the discussion about safari in Africa, with Anna so I can also understand how that ties in with the pitch. I think I just became a bit overwhelmed by the series of things that happen to him, I'd like to see now how he gets to Africa and how he copes with it. So looking forward to seeing whether his life gets the shake up it seems to need.

Hi Stephen,
I've got about half way through this. As your book is complete, I will continue with it when I have more time.
That's the problem with this site, you find something that you like, then it's prematurely over.
I cannot tell you 1 or 45, 5 or 46. I liked them both and can't see the importance attached to using either.
Your book is already well polished for the editors desk, I thought you might be grateful of a few typos, as I hate trawling through my own work trying to spot them. I'd rather someone else spot them for me.
Chapter two: Your quotation marks have come out back-to-front on "Oh, is that right."
Chapter four: "You are eating a bacon roll. Did you know you eat nine last week?" I realise, with dialogue that you can spell however you like. The polish people that I know, may have accents but they are very clued up on their 'eat' and their 'ate'.
All I can personally disapprove of is, 'To much football'. Please understand in my view, they should forget the 'kick about' for ninety minutes and just play for penalties, ten minutes maximum air time. He-He.
I like the way you introduce the other half of your story at the end of some chapters. This is much better than starting at the beginning, half way through the book.
I love all your colourful characters, I know most of them in my own real life.
A fantastic and humourous read, I look forward to more, when I get time.
Good luck.
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

ComLit forum (review)
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/90937/comlit/

Thinking Like a Wildebeest

Very clean MS and the writing smooth, relaxed and with great comic moments. I think it needs to have a more definitive “hook” earlier, not a great hunk of action or anything but just a few scenes that the reader can see will tie up later and is intrigued as to how. The bet acts as one and the Kenya bit at the end of Chap 2 another but neither is quite developed enough. I think adding to the Kenya bit early could provide this – just a thought.


Thoughts and comments as I read (I didn’t list the good bits, of which there were many that got a laugh, so please don’t feel this is negative)
Chap 4
- Did you know you eat nine last week? || Did you know you ate nine last week?
Chap 6
Entertaining so far but no real hook and not sure where it is heading (haven’t read 45 & 46 yet so may be fixed there). May be better to pull in something more from Kenya earlier to give a sense of what is coming up.

Chap 45 & 46 prefered this start but even with this I still think bringing out a foreshadow earlier is needed.

BTW Money to be one is different in these two chapters (161000 vs 138000 ) – may be a reason, do the odds change?

All the best with it.

Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.
(Not a time travel novel really, more a mystery/philosophy comedy :-)

ComLit forum (review)
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/90937/comlit/

Thinking Like a Wildebeest

Very clean MS and the writing smooth, relaxed and with great comic moments. I think it needs to have a more definitive “hook” earlier, not a great hunk of action or anything but just a few scenes that the reader can see will tie up later and is intrigued as to how. The bet acts as one and the Kenya bit at the end of Chap 2 another but neither is quite developed enough. I think adding to the Kenya bit early could provide this – just a thought.


Thoughts and comments as I read (I didn’t list the good bits, of which there were many that got a laugh, so please don’t feel this is negative)
Chap 4
- Did you know you eat nine last week? || Did you know you ate nine last week?
Chap 6
Entertaining so far but no real hook and not sure where it is heading (haven’t read 45 & 46 yet so may be fixed there). May be better to pull in something more from Kenya earlier to give a sense of what is coming up.

Chap 45 & 46 prefered this start but even with this I still think bringing out a foreshadow earlier is needed.

BTW Money to be one is different in these two chapters (161000 vs 138000 ) – may be a reason, do the odds change?

All the best with it.

Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.
(Not a time travel novel really, more a mystery/philosophy comedy :-)

ComLit Review --Thinking Like a Wildebeest

Stephen,

I love this title.

I’m commenting as I read because I find it so helpful when others do it for me.

Ch 1: Not sure whether it matters…from reading other comments, it sounds like you’re undecided about keeping this first chapter, but here goes:

I’d combine the first two sentences into “…shop and said, “I want…””
I like the guys’ comments, especially Tom Jones.

“Cheeks Nightclub” made me smile.

Not quite sure if he’s being ironic: “…he would never understand…” I mean, is he clear about his failings as a human or is he blind to his faults?

I’d condense the Venus/Mars reference…love the next line.

“…inappropriate tee-shirts” made me laugh. Nice description here.

I liked the image of the wasp trying to head-butt through the glass, but you might punch up the language a little…lose the passive stuff and the “watched.” I feel like I’m in his head enough where you could lose that. And probably I’m a dork, but at first I thought the wasp was in the room with him.

“Hostile invertebrates swarmed over the outside of the building and were constantly trying to break in.” made me laugh out loud. :D I’m wondering if this is foreshadowing or if it’s meant to illustrate his fearfulness in general…ahhh, nature’s attacking. (Have you seen the movie, Failure to Launch?)

I think I’d show the huge relief by an action. What’s middle-aged to him? Is she his age or twenty years older?

I think I’d do more of the Feeling of the shorts under his feet right away—I mean, that’s what I was looking for, does it feel sharp or soft, etc.?

He’s naked in the window, waving at the mean neighborhood watch lady—big smile!

Ch. 2:

I don’t know the Reference. No big deal, but there were two spots in a row and it slowed me down a bit…pulled me out.

“Black Hole, a radical faction of the local Astronomy Club” made me laugh. Aliens! Yeah!

“there is” I’d make that “there’s”—Nope, rewind…I’d mention the Polish accent just before the quote…i.e. “A lovely Polish accent…” or s’thing so we’re not wondering why it’s not “there’s.”

I kinda want the action to get rolling, even though the writing’s good and this is info we need. Think I tend to do the same thing in my writing. Jumping right in can feel brash and then I go back with more introductory stuff and end up going back again and putting the plot/action in with it.

“…death of Prince Charles left her inconsolable…” so wrong, but it made me laugh.

Why does Evelyn prowl the streets? Streetwalker? Drunk? Who is she and why is he always running into her? “Matt sneaked…” 


“…mouldy slice of toast…from the floor” eww…:D good stuff.

I like Geoff’s 4-H shirt. “…unusually restrained…” Ha!

“Matt cursed…Mariana’s Trench.” Great paragraph.

Nice exchange with neighbor.

Pardon my dirty mind, but is Matt about to trade sex for a car jump?

Fun Chapter…don’t know where the heck you’re going with the Too Skinny thing, but I want to find out.

Ch. 3:

What Happened With the Scary Downstairs Guy? Are you teasing or am I being dense?

I’d work in the description without stopping the narrative.

I didn’t realize that “It had also been a memorable day for Anna…” was the signal for a change in POV. Again, I’m probably being dense, but if I had to go back, someone else might, too.

Love that about Doris conning a breakfast out of him.

Maybe cut…Cliché? Sorta okay with me, if coming out of a character’s mouth…to an extent, but I try (unsuccessfully—I’m forever going back for another edit and catching one) to keep one that’s real well-known out of my description. “bubbled…”

The tape thing is funny…I don’t know who the Nolan sisters are, though. Maybe a heads-up, like the techno/disco/funk whatever of the Nolan…

I like the car alarm bit. Anna seems nice…I’m kinda hoping something will save her from Matt. Am I supposed to dislike him quite so much? Thing is, I don’t get the feeling he has a whole lot of respect for himself or anyone else. If he really liked Anna, he wouldn’t lie to her/keep things from her/pretend to be something he’s not. (I think you’ve really just hit a nerve here.) So, I’m wondering if this romance is going anywhere and hoping not.
Whether it works and they end up married 50 years or not, he’s still scamming her and she’s looking like a fool. And I don’t think he really knows he’s doing it…we’ll see.

“scent of summer flowers…” I like this.

“At that precise moment, the closest was a young male in a river in Northern France.” Hilarious! Then the follow-up with the doll! Then bang, onto the ring-tone. Fantastic!

“Moments later…she watched as Matt rubbed a variety of greenery over his nettle rash.” Wonderful image.


Ch. 4:

“reeled from the shock”—might change that up.

“It would take the UK’s leading decontamination experts…” funny
Oh, geez, I just realized he was lying about the friends coming over. Does he ever tell the truth? Only as a last resort, perhaps?...volcano? Holy crap. Is this where Anna’s flatmate turns out to be a ex-prison matron who freelances at Guantanamo…I’m thinking I would love to see someone beat the f___ing truth out of this jerk… I’m pissed off. I want a giant mutant alligator/crocodile/otter hybrid to arise from the lake and chomp down on his Abba-loving ears.

M’kay, I might find the lies funny if there were an acknowledgment early on, either by the narrator or the character himself that he is a pathological/compulsive (not sure which definition works here) liar. Sometimes I can’t watch Bringing Up Baby, either though. Maybe I’m way off here. Thing is, if a book’s funny I’ll read it, regardless of any other genre designation. But here, I’m not identifying with him. Is this all to show us why the gal left him all those years ago?

Love the descriptions of his friends.

Geese attack! He left her there! Holy sh*t! I’m laughing. He’s hideous. I wish I knew someone to set Anna up with. Or a hitman.

I really like the info about him. It seems natural…only just realized they were in New Zealand, though. Probably I missed something.

I was upset they were bonding over the geese until I saw that she was homewrecking whore. Great. They deserve each other. :) ( something about not "Judge not others..." springs to mind, but...it's not quite coming. ;))

“Excluding Evelyn’s town-wide threat…” funny


Overall Impression:

This book is hilarious. Filled with specific, fun images, witty one-liners and interesting characters.

I want to keep reading. My inability to identify with the characters is the only thing keeping me from going on with it right now and I think that’s easily remedied.

Structure so far:

Even though you've framed it with the bet and we're waiting to see on that...and wondering about the outcome of the bet keeps me reading...I want more plot action earlier on. (I believe I've done much the same thing in the novel that's coming up for review here and I'm hoping to have time to do some major cutting in the early chapters before then. I doubt you need to do anything like that. What I mean is that I need to get to the action quicker--in my book--I think and I have a lot of character development I could lose. With Wildebeest, it seems you could just move some things up. Pull them into the interaction between Matt and Anna. Foreshadow more and connect the outer plot with the relationship and character development.)

A stimulating read with laugh-out-loud moments. Thanks for posting it.

Nick

;):p:d:):) 5 happy faces

ComLit Review
Thinking Like A Wildebeest
Stephen,
I have read up to chapter 17.
This is a fun read and I am quite enjoying it. It has a pleasant atmosphere and likable characters (well, except for Sarah), although they may be a bit pathetic at times. However, I do feel that you take a bit too long to get off the ground, and that generally you could do a bit more with you assets. For example, I feel that you have avoided some opportunities to move the plot along faster and make the interactions more comic, choosing instead to leisurely develop Matt while making him a rather sorry being. So, while I think that it would be a fun read on a holiday trip as it is so far, I think you could do more to grab the reader in the first few chapters.
Hook and Plot- I feel that the book does not have a strong hook until about chapter 10, when it becomes clear that he is going to go to Africa. I have said  before on this site that it is a shameful part of this medium that there are so many books to read that an early hook may be important to catch a lot of people's attention. Indeed, in the future we may all be criticized as having ridiculously short attention spans. Be that as it may, I feel that this book does not really catch early on. Indeed, it spends the first few chapters giving a very clear impression of Matt as a rather pathetic individual. After a while I felt a bit sorry for him. There is a minor hook with the invitation of Ana to the football viewing, and the potential love interest that you have there, but it is a very weak hook, particularly when we know from the name and cover that none of this has much to do with the purported plot of the book, which involves Africa.
As far as plot is concerned, I found it a very readable book, but a bit unfocused until, again, you make the connection with Africa and his old flame. By the end of the section that I read you have a good plot going, with Matt just missing a close encounter with his son. However, again, I feel that you take a bit too long to get off the ground. I get the overwhelming feeling looking back at the section that I read that the main point was to make Matt very pathetic, rather than sympathetic.
It seemed that you tried to make me keep my focus on the eventual real plot by switching to Africa for the last bit of most chapters. This, however, did not do it for me. I found these passages much too short (except for chapter  where we find out that Matt is the father), and more of a distraction to the plot than a foothold in the larger plot arc. 
Now, before I go on, I want to make clear that I found this a very enjoyable read, and the lack of a strong plot does not detract from this fact. But it was enjoyable in spite of the fact that the hook and plot were not strong, not because of it.
Character Development.
It seems to me that you decided to focus on developing Matt during the beginning of the book. And you did that quite well. I feel like I know the character you are trying to show me. But I don't like him very much, and it  does not feel like you do either. Yes, you throw a lot of bad luck at him, but you also make him very maladroit. He is portly, has bad taste in music, wears children's underwear (this is a bit off, I must say) drinks to oblivion, urinates on other peoples contraband... and is member of a UFO group. He is shallow, messy and careless.  
Now, if he were a more sympathetic character who just had a lot of bad things happen to him, these bits of bad luck would be funnier for me. And you had an opportunity to do bring out the best in him during the outing with Anna. However, having him lie about his love of wildlife just to stay on her good side (and later taking her teddy bear for the same reason) makes him seem like a manipulative character. Not very endearing. I wish he had been sweet with her, and that you would have shown a nice side of Matt, a side to make me feel sorry when bad things happen to him. 
You really did this quite repeatedly. I understand you are trying to make the point that Matt makes a mess of every woman he meats except for Caroline. But for me the meeting with Alison at the airport was the last in a series of instance of feeling like Matt was just an absolute jerk.
I did not feel a lot of emphasis on character development of the supporting characters. A bit with Anna, of course, a bit with Mary, but these seem to be backdrops to Matt. I imagine that Joseph and Caroline will be instrumental later on, but I did not get far enough to judge.
Ambiance and descriptions- I found that you  did not do much with your exciting Jersey location. I have never been to the Channel Islands, but I am sure that they have a very particular feel. Other than emphasizing that everyone knew everyone else, I felt that you did not take advantage of this opportunity. (With exception of the reservoir, but that is not particularly unique, is it). On the other hand, you seemed to pause and give very detailed descriptions of rooms that did not have very much importance later on, like the store with its ice cream freezer, or his apartment. Of course, you may be saving your rich description for Africa, and that would be all well. I just found that you missed an opportunity here.
What I thought was well and comically done was your explanation of Burgana, which was very funny as a stereotypical sub-saharan country. 
Humour- Finally, this book was fun, but not really funny for me. Matt's humiliations were of course amusing, but after a while they became sad. Why the tie, why the underwear, why Spock, why the lies... So it is not his fault that he gets his trousers stained in the crotch, or his picture taken fleeing from geese, but he is not helping himself at all.

Again, this is coming across as a very negative review. I do not mean it to be. There is something pleasant about the read, and, once we are clear about the plot (a reunion of Caroline and Matt, I presume) it has a cute premise. But I feel that you are treating your MC too badly, waiting too long for the plot hook and giving up some comic opportunities.
I would humbly suggest that you consider bringing in Africa much, much sooner, but not as final passages at the end of chapters. Perhaps even in the first or second chapter. I also suggest making Matt more sympathetic. Some of the things that happen to him would be much funnier to me if I liked the guy.
I give this three happy faces, but wish you the best of luck. 
Best, 
Maeve


Comments as I read
The World Cup kicked off in Germany in six days time.
Should be days'
Matt tapped as hard as he dare on the window, 
Should be dared.
Good presentation of character, but not a strong hook. 
2 the change of scene to Africa comes too abruptly before the end of the chapter. 
3
At that precise moment, the closest was a young male in a river in northern France. The confused adolescent was trying to mate with a floating cabbage patch doll.  
:)
Alan was blonde, handsome and built like a middleweight boxer. A confirmed bachelor, narcissistic tendencies quickly drove girlfriends away. At six foot four, craggy beanpole Ray might just as well have been single such was the irredeemable state of his marriage. Alan and Ray often accompanied Matt to Cheeks and both had witnessed the previous night’s antics.   ..
Description of his friends here detracts from the narrative. I would wait until you need it. blonde is for women. 

The personal add paragraphs I think also detract. 
4 cute. Same comment at the end. 

ComLIt Review-
Hi Stephen, here's where I am so far-
I feel like there is a lot of jumping around. Your paragraphs start with powerful, funny ideas (or visuals) and then 'bounce' to something else when you suddenly start another paragraph (they are all coming in a bit short). I would like to see more information shared in each paragraph, to bring the reader farther into the humor (yep, American).
For instance, Chapter 1-His health nut neighbor died of a heart attack? Hilarious, tell me more!
I will return for more-good work!
Chapter 2- I know Prince Charles is the dog, but something about the structure of those sentances bothers me. I wasn’t drawn into the scene enough to disconnect to the real Prince Charles, perhaps? Potentially riotously funny. Maybe a few lines around the accident before you drop the name of the dog...
It is mentioned that you are telling and not showing in places, and I think that shows up a bit around your MC's interaction with bugs. By his meeting with the spider, I think you could 'show' the reader his discomfort, w/o mentioning the hate of spiders. You've already established his hatred of invertebrates. I think the reader will enjoy knowing they are in on the joke by a shudder, or even the appearance of a spider.

Hi Stephen, here's the updated review, so far.

Title: Very Good
Cover: Makes me think it may be a book about wildlife
Short pitch: Interesting but a bit limiting. Deirdre Barlow is probably too parochial a character to travel. I try to imagine what it would mean to someone the UK.
Long Pitch: It is rather routine IMO. A very loose description of what happens in the long run and does not really hint at your anarchically comic style.
Chapter 1 and 45
I still consider the opening of chapter 1 a strange way to start this novel. The bet has very little immediate impact in the novel and furthermore is rather low-key in tone. This contrasts with the opening image in the next scene, the striking notion of waking up to see Elvis standing there. In this section your humour comes through much more.
There is an element of telling not showing about the way the information is imparted. There is some delightful and revealing details mentioned in passing, the spock figurine for example. However I was sad that the 40 year old health freak downstairs was only given one line, I thought you could have gotten some more comic mileage from that.
Comparing this with 45. The opening is left more or less the same. My opinion of this has not changed since I read it first. I do not consider it to be a particularly good opening. The main change is the introduction of the dream sequence. Either this or waking up with Elvis would make a more striking opening IMO. I personally think you should work in the betting shop later.
My opinion of the dream has modified since I read it previously. I do have a pet hate for lazy unearned dream sequences possibly because their overuse in Hollywood has cheapened them. I now believe you are fully justified in the use of this and it actually fits the theme of the novel well, since your main character appears to be a fantasist.
The dream does presuppose a good deal of knowledge from the reader. Anyone who has not seen Coronation Street would be entirely lost I guess. Having Fish’s fantasies revolve around a soap opera is amusing but also sadly realistic. It will make the book more parochial however.
Chapter 2
Here your surreal comedy starts to take flight. I love Black Hole but am confused. They are a splinter group from the astronomy club, but has another splinter group formed from them as your writing suggests? There’s some laugh out loud parts to this chapter. Wickedly delightful was the recollection of Prince Charles.
Chapter 3 & 4
After the short preceding sections, the long scene with Anna is a nice contrast. Even though this was more developed I did feel that it could have been more detailed to bring it vividly to life. You do have a tendency to focus on one comedic moment then quickly jump to the next. In particular the geese scene, although amusing, cried out to be expanded more.
The brief mentions of Joseph are perhaps too brief at this point if the novel is to be balanced more between him and Fish. You find Joseph much less interesting or at least you have much less to write about him.
Chapter 5 & 46
Some delightfully comical turns of phrase. Again there is a tendency to jump rather than to allow the scene to breathe. I’m not sure about Mary. As with the downstairs neighbour earlier she seems too ready to explode in anger without much provocation. Also her foul mouth was out of keeping with the tone.
Is the Deirdre rescue better here or in chapter one? I would opt for earlier for a number of reasons. There, Fish naturally wakes up after a session so the interpolation of the dream does not seem forced. It is also more dynamic earlier, a shock concerning an unknown character. Now that we know Matt more, we understand this can only be a dream.

ComLit review

Having already read the first 9 chapters last year, I decided to start from Ch.16, as you requested. I read through to the start of Ch.20.

Matt’s trip to Africa continues the enjoyable, easy-going, gently amusing, style of the start of the book. Matt’s a lovely character. The two aspects I can most identify with are his obsessive love of footie and his total cowardice.

The plane ride in Ch.16 has Matt cramped in his seat by the overweight and garrulous bore, Henry. Making a crashing bore funny is a difficult trick to pull off; there’s always the danger of the bore boring the reader. I thought that you just about got away with it. But I thought the scene could have been even funnier. Maybe there could have been a tad more reaction from Matt, rather than largely mute acceptance of his situation. Perhaps you could add Matt’s internal thoughts about each photo, about each dumb-looking kid, about the daughter having had a baby at 14 - what a total slut - etc, etc. Matt’s thoughts, and mounting exasperation, could provide an irreverent commentary to counterpoint Henry’s dull descriptions of the photos and his family history. And maybe when Henry goes to the toilet, Matt could try starting up a conversation with the ebony goddess, using the Henry’s dullness as common ground, but finding it fall flat as she actually finds Henry fun and funny.

I liked the air-conditioner episode in Ch.17, although the breaking of the knob was a little telegraphed. It might be better if it happened the first time Matt switched it on. (Conversely, I liked the telegraphing of the wasp joke in the next chapter).

I wasn’t sure that Ned’s wind-up of Matt in Ch.19 was very convincing. I thought there was a little too much explanation of people’s thoughts and motives throughout this chapter. It might have been more effectively said in dialogue. So, at the start, we don’t know that Ned is making up the stuff about the civil war. But it becomes clear to the reader when Jenny phones and twigs during the conversation that her dad is up to his usual Brit-baiting tricks. Her dialogue can provide the explanation about Ned’s motives, rather than the narrative having to. Just a suggestion.

There were just a few typos, all apostrophes. Ch.16: “underpants’ dangling” should be “underpants dangling”; “neighbours pride” should be “neighbours’ pride”; “Eighth Wonders’” should be “Eighth Wonder’s”. Ch.17: “Miles turn” should be “Miles’s turn”. Ch.19: “Sexy Spec’s” should be “Sexy Specs” (twice); “its fantastic” should be “it’s fantastic”.

I didn’t find it laugh-out-loud funny, but rather smile-along amusing. It’s an easy and pleasant read, and one can’t help but side with Matt.

I've just read chapters 16 and 17. I think it's most people's nightmare on a plane to be seated next to Fatty, who takes part of your seat. I have been on hoilday to Africa, and the chaos at airports and unreliable electricity, just as you say. Finding Matt will be in ROOM 101, made me think of the nightmare room in George Orwell@s Big Brother.
chapter 19. Matt asking how the antelope might have died, and being told it did not take an overdose, was funny. Also, his dissapointment at not being able to stay long enough to watch the football.

Stephen,
Definitely putting this on my bookshelf. Matt's a great character, all Mars, a contemporary guy developed with wit and style.

Carolyn Brown Heinz
Mage at Midnight

Comlit review by Gillian Bergh [chap 1-4]
I'll try both versions of chapter one first. I preferred chapter 45 to chapter 1. What happened in both after 19 hours was surreal, but I found the dream more believable. After all anything can happen in a dream. The Elvis cut-out did not do it for me at all.
Chapter 2 - I can see there being some comic moments between the Astronomy Club, their radical faction The Black Hole and the splinter group. ;-) I am suspicious about the sweet old lady... Hmm - I guess I have to read more to find out... I can sympathize with Matt's inability to lie. My family tell me I can't, either.

The only improvement I can suggest is a row of asterisks to separate the scene in Jersey from Mozambique.
c3 - One fine day - Matt seems set to make a fool of himself , by trying to make the wildlife sound more exciting. Maybe the young otter was practicing on the cabbage patch doll . ;-)
c4- The Wild Geese-- [Matt} Do I like like football.....I've invited a bunch....
He regretted the words... [lol] The story is developing well with the descriptions of Matt's oldest friends, and what Matt and Anna know about each other.
C5 - Again I prefer the Coronation Street version.

An amusing story, that made me smile right away. (I actually won money as a child on Red rum.) Good pace that flows and is fluent.
Your story telling is staccato and is fun to read.
I feel this would engage any reader and draw them along deeper in the story.
Surreal in places, still I feel it works well and strengthens the overall narrative.
Well done.

Hi Stephen

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

THINKING LIKE A WILDEBEEST
This is a fun story to read. Matt is a great main character; I liked him from the start. The mark of the story, though, is your writing style. It’s always both faintly amusing and fast moving. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I like this, but would is 'voluptuous' appropriate when dragging a body from a fire? Otherwise, I enjoy it and support it.

I love this. It's tightly written, funny and punchy. Well done. It was the '...man obsessed with Dierde Barlow' that drew me in! Perhaps you'd take a look at 'Jelly-Boy' about a podgy kid who hates everyone and gets stranded in a disused lighthouse with some chocolate and a dead seagull. Resist at your peril!

PS In my opinion chapter 1 should stay as it is! Bea

I have already commented on this work but my words appear to have disappeared. This book is laugh-out loud funny with a great story and fabulous punctuation. Six stars and on my watch list. Yours Bea

Hi Stephen, long time since I read this.
A book to put a smile on anyone's face, I'm sure.
You certainly have a gift there all right. A very humerous book that's hard to put aside once started.
It's well written and I couldn't fault it.
Excellent stuff. Well done, Stephen!!
Still laughing, friend. Stars upgraded!!

Kind regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - THE TIME ZONE.

Hi Stephen,
I really enjoyed your humour in this. I like all the hangover/age/frustration angst. Chapters 46 and 46 worked better for me than 1 an 2. The Coronation street dream was great. I think these chapters work better because you have sharpened up the humour by cutting some of the 'telling.' I was once advised of the very same: let your dialogue, your humour come to the fore by cutting the superfluous information (eg the weather). If it's not progressing the story, you don't need it in there.
The idea of a similar situation developing in Africa is a really interesting twist. I like your characters. I'll read on to see what happens.
Best wishes,
Robert.

I have only read a couple of chapters but I love this. I like your sense of humour especially bits such as Matt standing in front of the window naked! Nearly done that a few times when I've forgotten to close the curtains. Matt comes across as a bit of a nerd but you can't help feeling sorry for him. Humour is a hard thing to get right in a book but I think you have the right balance here so well done. I think if I had a mate like Matt and I found out he had a talent for predicting gambling results I would be pestering him for the winning lottery numbers!

Kim (Pain)

There's not many things which will make me giggle out loud at nine o'clock in the morning - My wife wants Tom Jones to perform in our living room - did. Too funny! A brilliantly funny start to your novel and one which drew me in, guaranteeing I'll carry on reading. Good stuff.

Love the title. One of my favorite books is Zambezi by Tony Park which is based in Africa, looking forward to reading this!

I enjoyed what I read; an amusing and easy read that picked up a lot after the first chapter. Your ability to tell a good story shines through and it kept me engaged for longer than I'd intended. Highly rated and previously backed.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil).

This is great. The humour lurks and catches us unaware so the the temptation is to read on...every writers dream eh? Well done. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-How Mean is my Valley)

great work! I read chapter one, and I think your story telling ability is unique. The humourous flavour adds to its ability to get the reader hooked.

Hi Stephen

Sorry it's taken so long to return the read...

Thinking Like a Wildebeest...funny stuff. I laughed out loud at the end of chapter 1. Waking up with a hangover as the opening of a book is often looked down on nowadays, but for me this worked because of the wit. I read up to chapter 3, and I can see your wit stays strong throughout. The only problem for me is that it felt a little too heavy on the wit and light on the storytelling, if that's the right word. I kind of felt like I was on the outside looking in, or watching it on a tv screen. The latter in itself is not a bad thing, but there wasn't much to reel me in with the characters. I don't know if you write screenplays normally, but in my opinion it's much more suited to that.

That being said, I can see that this will continue to rise on Autho and the humour will carry it a long way.

Starred and good luck

Silva

Hello Stephen
I’ve finally had time to write a proper comment on your novel. Your writing style is engaging with a nice turn of phrase and a good line in sardonic wit. Matt was interesting and well drawn.
The betting shop opening I found a bit low-key. As others have commented, I felt it improved as it progressed.
I preferred chapter 1 to 45. I liked the idea of Matt waking up with Elvis at the foot of his bed, while dream sequences generally leave me cold.
You seem to have much more interest in Matt than Joseph, although in your pitch they more or less share equal billing. Five chapters in and Joseph has only received a couple of short paragraphs at the end of chapters. Obviously this is intentional but I could personally do with Joseph being fleshed out a bit more if he is to make such a big contribution to the novel as the pitch suggests.
Thanks for a good read, and good luck.
Daniel

You have an intriguing and amusing story but you sometimes overdo the humour at the expense of the narrative (I'm guilty of that in my own stuff). Your dialogue is pretty good but could do with some tightening, by which I mean shortening. Each characters tends to say too much each time he/she speaks, ie, too many words. Your MC is a fool, both in the sense of being inept and in the sense of being a jester which makes him interesting, so long as he does not remain an inept one. There are surreal edges to this which always appeals to my sense of the absurd. Overall, you have something here but I think it needs some tightening.

Hi, thanks for reading and leaving a comment for my book. I have been reading 'thinking like a wilder beast' and found it very funny. I thought that the main character, Matt was well drawn and I particularly enjoyed the beginning with the geese! I was nearly crying when he landed in the lake!

I liked the humor used, sarcastic but also very real. I though that chapter 45 was a good way to start rather than chapter 1, I liked the way it just landed three very different situations on you very quickly, it got my interest and kept me reading.

I also enjoyed the dialogue that Matt has with other people and how much this showed through his character. Also, as different supporting characters were introduced, even if just in passing I could always relate them to some one I now, or met, or was out in the pub with once.

I also loved the last couple of paragraphs of each chapter about Joseph. Random. But intriguing.

keep writing
thanks

This is very humorous, and for a Brit who now lives in the U.S. it was nice to have a refresher in British wit and semi-pugilistic self reflection. I'm not usually won over by first person narratives as sometimes they just seem like long-winded streams of consciousness that go nowhere, but you, however, are pulling it off very nicely. I've added 'Thinking Like a Wildebeest' to my WL', and will give it a more thorough reading soon.

Your pitch is good, what attracted me about it was the piece about Deirdre Barlow.
Chapter one wasn't on line for some reason, and by the sound of the comments below I missed a great chapter.
But for the next few chapters I think you have written a very humorous book.
You have a very comfortable writing style which I couldn't fault. 6 stars you deserve it!
Ruby Middleton (Will Ryan)

Stephen,
You have an easy flowing style - a nice sarcasm to your tone which had me smiling throughout the first chapter. Certainly have piqued my interest in seeing how things turn out. I will be shelving soon. Good Luck!
CW The Fog Had Lifted

Stephen
Read chaps 1 and 45. I don't know why, but the start of 45 seemed to draw me in easier. There's only really a few words difference, but it seemed more immediate and nearer the action. I read a few other chaps and enjoyed it. Betting on England winning the world cup has disaster written all over it. Liked the iinclusion of Deirdre Barlow, you can't help but picturing her. Good luck with this, I've got a free space on my shelf, so I'll stick it on for now.
Charlie

Hi Stephen,

I enjoyed reading this - it's just my sort of book. What i would say is that if i could see into the future i would think of much better ways of getting rich than putting money on England winning the world cup! The naked embarassment scene at the end of the first chapter is a nice touch and sets the narrative up well. On my shelf for further reading...

Glad to back your work Stephen. Thanks for your comments on my Moonstone Beach. Much appreciated :)
Connie
Moonstone beach

i only meant to read a couple of pages and before I knew it I was on chapter 7. Couldn't help but like the hapless Matt, his dirty tie, and his predicaments. I really want to know how Matt and Joseph's lives entwine. Really engaging read!

This is a funny book. It flows well, the characters are believable and it is written with a certain sense of normality whilst still managing to be incredibly humorous. I have read the first few chapters and I couldn't find much to offer constructive criticism on which is a very good sign. I have found it worthy of backing and I hope others do the same.
Would like to come back and read chapters 45 and 46 too (I am interested so see how these variations pan out).
All the best,
James

this is funny stuff, don't know about the chapters, all of them seem ok to me, i read about the first six and the last couple you wanted folks to look at, you successfullly create a funny character, and a sympathetic one, so many of us fear and don't want to admit it, it is a little fantastic, lots of incredulous coincidences, but they make for good fun and slapstick, you know english comedy often ends in marriage, i will back it, give it some stars, good luck to you

Hi Stephen,

On the whole, I like this. Unfortunately time prevents me from reading more than the first couple of chapters but I've enjoyed what I've seen.

There are a few things that need some attention. For example, you say that at odds of six to one, his savings of £23,000 would be transormed to £138,000. That isn't quite true as he would also get his original stake back - these are things that reraders notice.

You also say the gamble will remain a closely guarded secret - hardly possible as there were other punters in the shop who heard the bet being placed.

I did look at your alternative first chapter. Dreams, when the reader does not know beforehand that it is a dream is a definite no, no. It's considered to be c heating the reader, so you're much better sticking to your original version.

Ron

I've read the first two chapters. Matt, a typical over indulger of spirits and real! I love the part where he's naked and seen by Irene. Just a thought, an opportunity for a few pleasantries spoken here to Irene to add dialogue in this chapter may work. Again this is simply my own opinion. You protray your MC well. My only qualm-Crowned by a ridiculous mop... I assume you are describing Geoff but I am not certain. I have yours on my WL and plan on returning for more tales ...Well done!
Red

I’ve read your opening chapters and you have set up quite a bungling idiot in your MC. It’s not the type of character I can relate to, so this isn’t a book I would choose to read, but I know there will be many readers who do. The biggest issue for me is the lack of drive and tension. He puts a bet on England winning the world cup and then I was expecting the narrative to build around the matches and his growing realisation that his powers of premonition have deserted him, but this is not referred to again until chapter 4 (all his life savings would surely make him nervous and thinking about it a lot, following player form, draws etc). Instead the narrative meanders around his hangover and date with Anna. Personally I would cut to the match with Paraguay, where Anna is coming anyway, and put anything needed in terms of backstory into this scene. In terms of Joseph, I would introduce his story more fully (or not at all), a couple of paragraphs at the end of chapters about Matt, is more a distraction than a hook – so either stick with Joseph POV for longer, or introduce this character later. Just remember this is my opinion and therefore I may be completely missing the point (e.g. you may intend for the narrative to be meandering an unfocused). Jake

Stephen, You have talent, much talent. Of the dozens of books I've read here yours stands among the top ten. It's a pleasure to read something that's so well written. I'm putting it on my bookshelf. Thanks for looking at my KIRSTEN.
Barbara Jurgensen

Stephen, You have talent, much talent. Of the dozens of books I've read here yours stands among the top ten. It's a pleasure to read something that's so well written. I'm putting it on my bookshelf. Thanks for looking at my KIRSTEN.
Barbara Jurgensen

Stephen,

After reading your pitches and the first five chapters, I'm happy to place Thinking Like A Wildebeest on my shelf. Here are my comments.

First, and above everything else, you’ve demonstrated a unique ability to write dialogue without using dialogue tags. This alone distinguishes you as a unique writer. I love the way you use words to paint images of people, places, and things in a reader’s mind.

Just a few nits. I hope you find them helpful.

Based on your short pitch, a man (who we come to know as Matt Fish) is obsessed with a woman named Deirdre Barlow. The full pitch takes some weird turns by mentioning a couple of characters who seem to be secondary. I think readers will need to better understand the real conflict of the story. Is it between Matt and Deirdre, Matt and Anna, or Matt and Joseph? Why is Mary mentioned in the full pitch? Her character doesn’t appear to be critical to the synopsis.

Chapter 1

The half a dozen gamblers milling about froze instantly, and stared. (The comma is not needed.)

The assistant’s jaw fell open, and then the comments started. I’d tweak this just a little to read . . . The assistant’s jaw fell open and the comments started.

“Bloody hell, that’s even less likely than Henman winning Wimbledon!” I’d tweak this to read . . . “Bloody hell! That’s even less likely than Henman winning Wimbledon.”

A GENERAL NOTE: Try to use exclamation points sparingly. They are important to convey a character’s emotions, but used too often, they can be distracting.

Sven’s England had released the Genie from the bottle.

The World Cup kicked off in Germany in six days time. The gamble would remain a closely guarded secret until he collected his winnings. (These three sentences threw me off a bit and don’t seem congruent with the information you’ve conveyed to readers in sentences that precede and follow them. Maybe it’s just me.)

Just a little note on song titles, CD titles, and movie and book titles. Unless they are used in dialogue, song titles should be bracketed with quotation marks. CD, movie, and book titles should be italicized.

These small nits aside, I think this novel has tremendous potential. Your work deserves all the praise it’s receiving here.

Rodney

I enjoyed reading this. It got better as it went along (perhaps a little too much in the way of historical background at the start). Matt, the world’s worst clairvoyant, is a very likable chap, so it’s a shame that Life treats him so badly. There are lots of funny lines. The funniest for me were the one about the closest otter, and the drawing of the tramp. I think my favourite character was Mary; she’s lovely(!).
The only little thing I would suggest changing would be where Matt is inviting his mates for the football game. I felt the story of what happened the previous time was recounted too many times. Once would be enough, the remaining conversations need only refer to it rather than repeating it.
A couple of typos. Ch.3 “sprung” should be “sprang”; “valleys populations” should be “valley’s populations”. Ch.6 “eversince” should be “ever since”.
I only read 9 chapters, but that was enough to show this has lots of potential for a great comic read and offers much entertainment. Good luck with it. I will shelve as soon as I have space.

Man. And I thought I put my main character through the grinder!

I read this all the way through, and I enjoyed it a great deal. There are a number of punctuation issues and a lot of dangling participles, a few typos (Barack Obama, not Barak) all of which can be fixed. Another thing I noticed, in ch 24 the cell phone plays "Uptown Girl," but when she gets off the phone she's humming "Material Girl." It may have been intentional, but it seemed more likely that she'd have been humming the tune she had just heard.

I got confused a couple of times with shifts in action. I came to expect that when I was suddenly confused at the end of a chapter, it was a shift to Joseph, and so I grew accustomed to those - but you also had some in the middle of chapters. The furious Mary in the middle of Matt's canoe scene, for example. Because these detours are not set off in any way, they appear to belong with the surrounding paragraphs. It may be argued that this is just a matter of style, but I did find myself having to go back and re-read often to clarify. Perhaps because these sections are very short, you feel they don't deserve their own chapters, but the read might be enhanced by breaking them out in some way. I also think Joseph's story gets short shrift. Your pitch seems to indicate that he's having just as much trouble as Matt, but it really seems pretty tame in comparison. He could be elaborated on, especially as in the end it means so much. I'd like to have more of a feeling for Joseph so I could rejoice more fully there.

This was a fun couple of evenings. The storyline was clever, inventive and hysterical. Man, what a great way to torment an enemy. I got in the shower in the middle of this read and found a fat red spider on the shower-curtain and I laughed so hard...

good start, intersting from the start. well done. i will read more later.

warren
fertile ashes.