The Death Pool

Great story. It is very intriguing the more you read and you keep the story moving along well. I did note when i was reading the first paragraph that you might consider a comma or two.

The low morning sun rose steady into a clear blue sky, with the smooth horizon broken occasionally by narrow seams of white thorn hedgerows that stitch together a patchwork of irregular green fields quilting the countryside. It is a great descriptive, but it might be easier to read like this: "The low morning sun rose steady into the clear blue sky, with the smooth horizon broken occasionally by narrow seams of white-thorn hedgerows, that stitch together a patchwork of irregular green fields, quilting the countryside."

Other than that I really like how you have your story set up. The descriptions are easily pictured and it has a nature flow. Best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia:The Curse of Five

Hi Colin,

Where have you been hiding this great piece of writing. Haven't read it all yet but what I've read is very good. I'm BACKING you and wish you all the best in the future.

Frank James (The Contractor)

good descriptions and narrative helps this story a great deal...and l shall put it on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

You have the ability to convey vivid scenes within your book to the reader.
Your description throughout is excellent and keeps the reader involved in the story.
I found chapter 1 to be very interesting and at the right pace. - Like your book and back it. SHELVED.

Could you perhaps do the same with my 1st book THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - THE TIME ZONE.
I would be very pleased.

regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - Series)

Hi JD Yes you are totally right. I have been told this before and forgot to change it. A silly spelling mistake. Thanks again!

Colin, I wonder whether 'presents of her eye' should be 'presence of her eye' otherwise, a gentle beginning. backed.

Colin, I wonder whether 'presents of her eye' should be 'presence of her eye' otherwise, a gentle beginning. backed.

A very lyrical naration. The setting is well painted, and the characters stand out. The premise is promising and full of intrigue.
Backed

Justin feels threatened by Ruth, by their history, her beauty, by the pendant. That's all underneath. On the surface, they chat like old friends, the Irish brogue lilting in their voices, in their choice of words. There's a gentle pace to their conversation, reflecting the setting, rural and of an older time. But still the undercurrents, 'Superstition and curses', 'the old walls of the Carville farm would prove to hold a meaning'. A place that was once home to Justin now feels alien and slightly hostile. Is it myth and rural conservatism, or is it something much more substantial and deadly?

The writing conveys the setting with vibrancy: 'Narrow seams of white thorn hedgerows that stitched together a patchwork of irregular green fields quilting the countryside', 'The crisp September air feathered his fingers'. It also manages to be both cosy and sinister, in this dual-edged mystery where individuals, families and even societies all have their schisms and secrets ... backed.

Possible nits: 'with the one that [who] had'. 'would later be revealed[?]' 'angle-viper's way ... it was way ... the only way'. 'remainder of your stay ... I'll stay around'. 'a slightly puzzled expression on his face', omit last 3 words. 'the sent [scent] of her'. Watch out for instances of 'look / looked / looking' in close proximity.

An ingenous thriller with well-developed characters. Fractured relationships. Arresting settings. Lively dialogue. Opulent, lyrical narrative. Well thought out plot. Accomplished writing. An utterly captivating read. Backed.

This is beautifully written almost like poetry. Your descriptions are vivid and I can imagine everything you write. Well done.

Thank you for your praise and constructive coments. For me adding my book here is an exercise in getting tips on my writing. I am a published poet first and have never considered writing a novel. I decided to put on some of these words from The Death Pool, which was a story attempt of 51,000 words I wrote a year ago.

I often tend to lean towards a poetic style which I guess isnt right for a novel but I will concider your suggestions.

I guess the only way to get the real view and one that matters is to get to the editors desk to be told what is right and wrong etc etc. So every backing counts along with the valued coments from fellow writers.

I wish you luck with your book and hope you get there.

Regards
Colin T Mercer
Author of "For Irish Eyes"

Firstly let me say how much I admire your love of words, it is obvious you have an excellent vocabulary. Having said that, I found this difficult to read. I felt it was over written in many places and you allowed this love of words to be over indulged and in that you lost much of the meaning.
I found phrases like "quilting the countryside" and "a smile of discernment" nad "the presents of her eyes" off putting and sometimes quite baffling, what is an "angle-viper"?
Some of the sentence construction needs rethinking.
"The way she would use that prancing walk and openly display arrogance in her obvious beauty was still there" is an example. Perhaps "She was openly arrogant, displaying her beauty with a teasing, prancing walk"...just an idea and maybe nearer what you were trying to convey.
Some of the punctuation is a little odd as well, but that is usually easy to spot if you read the text out loud to yourself
The opening itself was slightly off putting, I knew we were probably in Ireland from the pitch and in the country, but all the time I was wondering who the narrator was and what his/her relationship was to this unexplained woman who just seemed to be there. I realise you are trying to create an air of mystery, but I just became more irritated with the lack of foundation.
I do feel there is the bones of an excellent story here, but you haven't quite captured it yet.

Firstly let me say how much I admire your love of words, it is obvious you have an excellent vocabulary. Having said that, I found this difficult to read. I felt it was over written in many places and you allowed this love of words to be over indulged and in that you lost much of the meaning.
I found phrases like "quilting the countryside" and "a smile of discernment" nad "the presents of her eyes" off putting and sometimes quite baffling, what is an "angle-viper"?
Some of the sentence construction needs rethinking.
"The way she would use that prancing walk and openly display arrogance in her obvious beauty was still there" is an example. Perhaps "She was openly arrogant, displaying her beauty with a teasing, prancing walk"...just an idea and maybe nearer what you were trying to convey.
Some of the punctuation is a little odd as well, but that is usually easy to spot if you read the text out loud to yourself
The opening itself was slightly off putting, I knew we were probably in Ireland from the pitch and in the country, but all the time I was wondering who the narrator was and what his/her relationship was to this unexplained woman who just seemed to be there. I realise you are trying to create an air of mystery, but I just became more irritated with the lack of foundation.
I do feel there is the bones of an excellent story here, but you haven't quite captured it yet.

Thanks for backing. Yes you are correct with the presence. I appreciate your valuable input.

A very interesting pitch leads to some very poetic writing. I think this should be categorised as a literary thriller. Your imagery is superb. One line puzzled me though 'The presents of her eyes' Did you mean 'presence' ? Already backed with pleasure.

A very interesting pitch leads to some very poetic writing. I think this should be categorised as a literary thriller. Your imagery is superb. One line puzzled me though 'The presents of her eyes' Did you mean 'presence' ? Already backed with pleasure.

THE DEATH POOL - Colin t. Mercer
iNteresting story loine, very good descriptive detailing of scenes you have created, almost like being there. Very good. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

Hi Colin, Your editing is looking good. I like your story and I Back the novel. Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

Thank you for the advice and helpful points.

I like the premise and would only suggest that you comb through the early chapters for cliches such as comparing the female lead's beauty to that of an angel and her devastating effects as those of a viper. You have a nice fluency of prose and, actually, good diction often. No need to clutter up the great storyline you have going with worn phrases.

Memphisgirl
Ashes By Now

I like the premise and would only suggest that you comb through the early chapters for cliches such as comparing the female lead's beauty to that of an angel and her devastating effects as those of a viper. You have a nice fluency of prose and, actually, good diction often. No need to clutter up the great storyline you have going with worn phrases.

Memphisgirl
Ashes By Now

i HAVE JUST COMPLETE ANOTHER EDIT AND ADDED A 5TH CHAPTER. THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR YOU HELP SO FAR. i WILL CONTINUE TO EDIT AND IRON OUT THE MISTAKES WITH YOU HELPFUL COMENTS. AND ADD MORE CHAPTERS EACH WEEK AS I EDIT THEM!

The death pool
Intriguing, and a well written piece of writing
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf0

Hi Christian thank you for you kind words it helps when you get some positive feedback. I wasnt aware of the movie but will look at maybe adding to the title as I need the name for the story. Regards

Colin:
And intriguing topic, very well presented. I enjoyed your characters and find the suspense very believable.

My only comment would be to think of a new title, as there was a movie called "The Dead Pool" that came out some 20 years ago.
Best of luck with your book. Backed.
Peace,
Christian Piatt
PULLING THE GOALIE

Thank youfor the compliments and usful advise.

Dear Colin,
I chose your book to read because I found the cover art very strange and somehow compelling. I think your writing is really good, but your pitch may need a little bit of juicing up! I like your term "people of the dead pool." Maybe you could start with that because it's unique. Nice writing!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Dear Colin,
I chose your book to read because I found the cover art very strange and somehow compelling. I think your writing is really good, but your pitch may need a little bit of juicing up! I like your term "people of the dead pool." Maybe you could start with that because it's unique. Nice writing!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Colin:
And intriguing topic, very well presented. I enjoyed your characters and find the suspense very believable.

My only comment would be to think of a new title, as there was a movie called "The Dead Pool" that came out some 20 years ago.
Best of luck with your book. Backed.
Peace,
Christian Piatt
PULLING THE GOALIE

Hiya Colin, fine descriptive eye, strong prose. a pleasure to follow J and R - you've created 2 likeable protagonists.
well, i'll be honest with some macro thoughts.
maybe use some dialog in section one: "a place to stay"
the next section - "past love" - is livelier but i feel the storyline hasn't started yet. i don't get a taste, a hint, of one of the main themes you noted in your long pitch: the evils lurking in rural Ulster.
best wishes, andy - shuffling my shelf for you tomorrow AM.

Well done Colin. Wth any luck there's a film here. Backed wth pleasure - keep it going, Ian

Thank you James I appreciate your coments and yes they are always usful.

Hi l found this a bit randomly on a booklistand the title attracted me to it. If you don't mind me saying i think you should make your pitch a little snappier to create tension and excitment? It doesn't do your great book credit. I have read the first couple of chapters (and will continue) and i have very much enjoyed what i have read, i found the dialogue between the characters a little flat but then again it does provide aood scene setter and it sounds realistic. I hope this feedback is of any use? Regards James (Their Limbo Lives)

Hi l found this a bit randomly on a booklistand the title attracted me to it. If you don't mind me saying i think you should make your pitch a little snappier to create tension and excitment? It doesn't do your great book credit. I have read the first couple of chapters (and will continue) and i have very much enjoyed what i have read, i found the dialogue between the characters a little flat but then again it does provide aood scene setter and it sounds realistic. I hope this feedback is of any use? Regards James (Their Limbo Lives)

You have a good story here, The story flows well and there is a clear mood and tone that the reader can understand. A bit of editing will get rid of nits and improve your readibility and clarity..

Backed

Scorselo

Yes I agree totally, I had not done a great deal of editing when I posted the story and to be honist am using the Authonomy experience to help point me in the right direction with changes etc. I have now made a number of changes from many of the coments here so far and feel that the story is forming much better as we go along. I appreciate your coments on skill and take great satisfaction in them. I do indeed love to tell a story and once I complete the book and have it properly edited I know it will do well.

I read this sensing you are feeling your way a little, eager to use the right words. This is really good because language offers so much, you may need to re-phrase now and then though.
But then, that's all about editing and my comment is about your skill as a writer. The ability to tell a story and to tell it well is the most important thing at the start and I can see you are more than capable of that.
I recognise the symbol on your cover so this poses intrigue before the book begins.
The potential shines through here and your start impresses. So, having said that, I'm happy to back you. Margaret.

Thank you for the valuable input I have looked over the opening lines and decided to indeed change somethings. I agree with you regarding the commas which I have removed a bit. I find this site a great tool for editing and hope with each atempt the story will become somewhat smoother.

Many thanks

I found your pitch a little confusing, going from was to would to are. i think it would help to keep the tense consistent (probably present tense would be best).

The first line of ,chapter ine read a littel awkwardly to me. I think having tow 'as' clause sin the same sentece makes for an unsmooth read.

To be honest I found the prose quite stilted and hard to read with any flow. Generally the sentences felt too long so I kept losing the meaning (this could also be down to me just being dumb, of course). i would also cut back on 'that' and 'as' as much as possible. it will read quicker and more smoothly.

For example:
He hoped, this time around seeing Ruth again, wouldn't end in tragedy, or worse, he still feared, what may await him, could turn out to be fatal, but he knew, she held the key to his past, and the friend, he searched for, the friend he came to find.

The commas are a bit all over the place. the first two form a a clause around 'this time around seeing Ruth again' which means it should still make sense if you took that clause out, but it doesn't.
He hoped wouldn't end in tragedy...
for it to make sense it should be:
He hoped, this time around, seeing Ruth again wouldn't end in tragedy...
but it would make as much sense and be easier to read as:
He hoped seeing Ruth again wouldn't end in tragedy...

The rest of that sentence just gets more convoluted. Obviously you know what you mean, but it isn't that clear from this end. Not that I'm against long sentences, but it is important to get the punctuation right to help the reader navigate them.

Overall I found the pace a little meandering (a matter of taste though) and the run on sentences quite confusing. Best of luck with it though.

I read this sensing you are feeling your way a little, eager to use the right words. This is really good because language offers so much, you may need to re-phrase now and then though.
But then, that's all about editing and my comment is about your skill as a writer. The ability to tell a story and to tell it well is the most important thing at the start and I can see you are more than capable of that.
I recognise the symbol on your cover so this poses intrigue before the book begins.
The potential shines through here and your start impresses. So, having said that, I'm happy to back you. Margaret.

I found your pitch a little confusing, going from was to would to are. i think it would help to keep the tense consistent (probably present tense would be best).

The first line of ,chapter ine read a littel awkwardly to me. I think having tow 'as' clause sin the same sentece makes for an unsmooth read.

To be honest I found the prose quite stilted and hard to read with any flow. Generally the sentences felt too long so I kept losing the meaning (this could also be down to me just being dumb, of course). i would also cut back on 'that' and 'as' as much as possible. it will read quicker and more smoothly.

For example:
He hoped, this time around seeing Ruth again, wouldn't end in tragedy, or worse, he still feared, what may await him, could turn out to be fatal, but he knew, she held the key to his past, and the friend, he searched for, the friend he came to find.

The commas are a bit all over the place. the first two form a a clause around 'this time around seeing Ruth again' which means it should still make sense if you took that clause out, but it doesn't.
He hoped wouldn't end in tragedy...
for it to make sense it should be:
He hoped, this time around, seeing Ruth again wouldn't end in tragedy...
but it would make as much sense and be easier to read as:
He hoped seeing Ruth again wouldn't end in tragedy...

The rest of that sentence just gets more convoluted. Obviously you know what you mean, but it isn't that clear from this end. Not that I'm against long sentences, but it is important to get the punctuation right to help the reader navigate them.

Overall I found the pace a little meandering (a matter of taste though) and the run on sentences quite confusing. Best of luck with it though.

Colin,

I've just read and enjoyed your opening chapter. I like the way you've structured this, working in the backstory without slowing down the pace, Like one of your previous reviewers below, I'm not too sure about the line in the first sentence 'the thought of misfortune didn't enter his mind' - this feels a little too much like showing not telling. Nice pace, and unfussy style makes for a page-turning read. A good start. happy to give you my backing.

Regards

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning' & 'Tales of Ordinary Sadness'

Hi Colin, I'll run to read anything with Ireland in the tag. :-)
Nice, nice clear visual. You write with an open, un-pretentious style. Love the genre, love a good read - should be a movie. :-)

blessings
jim
jack & charmian london

Colin

I have enjoyed reading the first four intriguing chapters and look forward to reading the rest. I am happy to back the book.

Regards,
Chris

Colin. Interesting symbolism your front page has! Read the first few chapters and will skip to a few middle ones. Will comment later. But I am backing it. All the best.

I would appreciate any comments / trashing or backing from you for my childrens' book; paperbats Adventures.
Thanks jeryy - paperbat

Thank you for your helpful words, I will look through the mistakes and correct them. I always feel worried when I post work on here because I know I am a terrible speller but then it’s the best way to fix things and become better too. I do feel that the use of some obvious descriptive words are necessary and can be used, just as they are used in real life. We all know most tables are wooded (not always large) but to actually state it helps build a feeling of an old farm house. Similar to saying High mountain, most mountains are generally higher than the land around them but the word high is better used to provide a necessary feel for the description otherwise you end up writing a documentary of list of obvious facts.
I could be wrong here as I am used to writing that way as a poet and this is my first attempt at writing a novel. I guess I have thrown myself into the deep end but so far I have gotten enough interest from one publisher and many kind people on Authonomy to tell me I should continue. (Lets hope they are right) 
You mentioned I call Ruth a cat and a viper but if you read what it is I am trying to express I compare her to these creatures and or her ways, the key word being "like"
I do agree though that the story line appears to say two things which is the sum of Justin’s confusion and insecurity in his mind about being at the farm and his thoughts and feelings for Ruth but I agree this needs some work. I find this website so useful in this way to iron out the mistakes and I feel if nothing else I will become a better writing because of the experience and my passion for The Dead Pool.
To that end I do appreciate your points of view and ability to point out mistakes it makes editing allot easier as I don’t need to pay for someone to sit and fix my work for me. Thanks so much and feel free to comment as I change things. It will allow me to progress and create a better story.

Kind regards

Colin
Happy to Back you.

Hi Colin, in the opening, you tell us what he is not thinking, thus letting us know that misfortune is indeed about to happen. That's okay, but the you then say that he fears he has fallen into a trap (misfortune) and that he might be the cat's prey (pray is to God). A moment later he fears this could be the beginning of his end.
breakable and fragile (something fragile is easily broken)
glistening dark brown followed by lifeless and dark (repetition of dark)
large, wooden kitchen table (kitchen tables are usually wooden and always large.
repetition of beautiful
repetition of viper
did not look to be quite old
to be part of her part of the place seemingly harmless
her relationship with him now was one of helpful friendship (moments before he is calling her a viper, a cat, a real danger?)

I think this needs a lot of work.
Good look -- editing is fun and very rewarding.
BACKED.
Best wishes, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Hi Colin, in the opening, you tell us what he is not thinking, thus letting us know that misfortune is indeed about to happen. That's okay, but the you then say that he fears he has fallen into a trap (misfortune) and that he might be the cat's prey (pray is to God). A moment later he fears this could be the beginning of his end.
breakable and fragile (something fragile is easily broken)
glistening dark brown followed by lifeless and dark (repetition of dark)
large, wooden kitchen table (kitchen tables are usually wooden and always large.
repetition of beautiful
repetition of viper
did not look to be quite old
to be part of her part of the place seemingly harmless
her relationship with him now was one of helpful friendship (moments before he is calling her a viper, a cat, a real danger?)

I think this needs a lot of work.
Good look -- editing is fun and very rewarding.
BACKED.
Best wishes, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Hi Colin, Justin’s obsessive worry over Ruth at the beginning caught me to know more about her and whether it is because of his vulnerability of being involved with her. He also seems so accessible to her, moving back, perhaps defensive about that. The amulet though and her affluence suggest something else. One phrase I didn’t understand: “presents of her eyes”? The dialogue brings out more of this, a tentative intrigue. I enjoyed what I read. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Thanks for the backing. I also backed your book very discriptive wording!

An interesting premise, and promises to be a compelling read. Backed with pleasure.
Joanna
Fossil Farm

An interesting premise, and promises to be a compelling read. Backed with pleasure.
Joanna
Fossil Farm

Thanks for the backing and kind words, it all helps!

Heavily appointed. Well written and excellently described.

BACKED

You realy should devote as much time as possible to your writing as I feel you have alot to offer and are able to put on paper whats in your head. I know the re-reads can be difficult but its all worth it!

Dear Colin
loved your short pitch and your long pitch just forced me to read on, yes it did. your characters just pop and they popped into my head and wont leave. so animated.....I have not read all yet, and will comment more later

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
I would really appreciate it if you would COMMENT on my work and BACK it if you see fit, if not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with this book of yours
Denise
The Letter

I think for now I will stay with what I have until I post more of the story. In my eyes if I put "so" in it sounds like he learns across the table because it is early. I want to state it is early purly for the reader but that is only a fact of time he leans across the table is setting a scene also for the reader. Justin isnt thinking of the fact its early he is just blending in with the farm way of life and he has" finding his friend "on his mind. that way I tell the reader where and when he is at and also connect him with the main plot. The reader is then aware that Justin is about to be hit unawares or could be. The time of day is a stage for the reader only. However I will read it through a few times and take your thoughts under anvice. Many thanks for the help.

Yes, Sylvia I will surly have a look at that and see what I think. I appreciate the input.

Hey Denise, Thanks for the kind words and usful thoughts. I have had a look over you work but need more time to give you a better opinion but so far I would say that you have a very natural flow with your words. I love how you discribe the scene with discribing the scene! if you know how I mean that. Keep on writing you have a natural gift and it should be shared!!!

Heavily appointed. Well written and excellently described.

BACKED

Yes, Sylvia I will surly have a look at that and see what I think. I appreciate the input.

I still think your first sentence doesn't work. How about:
Mornings came early at Lodge Farm so, as Justin leaned across the table to pour another cup of coffee, the thought of misfortune didn't enter his mind.
The 'so' is vital to show a connection between the earliness of the morning and Justin not thinking about misfortune.
What do you think? Sylvia.

I still think your first sentence doesn't work. How about:
Mornings came early at Lodge Farm so, as Justin leaned across the table to pour another cup of coffee, the thought of misfortune didn't enter his mind.
The 'so' is vital to show a connection between the earliness of the morning and Justin not thinking about misfortune.
What do you think? Sylvia.

These chapters are setting a high standard of writing. If the rest of the book follows on at this level I'm sure it will rise very quickly through the ranking system. There are a few points which came to mind as I read so I'll list them for your consideration.
In Ch. 1 "the one that" this might be more better as "the one who":
You've a tendancy to use 'like' quite a bit - "like a cat" & "like the eyes of a child" then "looked like" &"talked like"; metaphors are stronger than similes so it might be worth considering switching things around a little to get rid of some of the repetition of 'like'.
In Ch. 3 There are some punctuation glitches in the dialogue - probably fast typing bloobs!
These comments are meant to be constructive and not to detract from the quality of you writing, if it wasn't good I wouldn't bother.
Happy to back
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Very interesting premise, I am kind of weird and love reading about cults, they're so fascinating. You've got a great narrative voice, it helps with the descriptions and move the pace along. I think your setting helps a lot with the mood of the book, such a mysterious place. Enjoyed this so much and I would have continued if you had more posted, I was involved!

Missy