THE AFRICAN GREY - BAO BAO

THE AFRICAN GREY - BAO BAO by Jane Wen Williams.

Almost perfectly crafted, this vivid imaginative story contains all the ingredients to delight and entrance its target readership. A witty tone, with warm credible characterisations conveys the action across eleven chapters to an emminently satisfactory conclusion - as all the best examples of this genre should. There are also distinct cartoon possibilities in the work, due to the author's pictorial writing style. Not least among its many qualities is its clear commercial publishing potential. Definitely one for the talent spotting commissioning editors. Backed.

Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

Hope ou succeed in your quest well done this should get some attention - see it soon on the telly, never mnd youtube.

This was so cute! It's a great children's book and I can almost picture it full of bright colorful pictures. Bao Bao is great, I wish I had a parrot like him! I could almost see this as a series. You've got some easy dialogue and bright characters, a perfect pair for a children's book! I nice highlight to my day.

Missy

Jane:
you offer a creative perspective. An enjoyable book for all ages, I expect.
Best of luck with your book. Backed.
Peace,
Christian Piatt
PULLING THE GOALIE

A moving and heartfelt story can be told in any language and comes unschathed through language barriers. Your young audience, I bet, will not even notice the imperfect English. You have a story to tell and you tell it well. I would not dare suggest any changes because any conventional editing will destroy what is precious in this text.

Backed with best wishes.

A.P. Constantin

The Crystal Butterfly Club

Jane - Hello!

I was enchanted with this book from first sight of it. You graciously sent me the illustrated manuscript as I planned to tout it to publishers in the UK. However, it contained numerous errors of spelling, punctuation and idiom. I suspect Jane that you wrote your book originally in Chinese. All of these aspects I have now corrected and I am returning the MS to you. I am certain your book has a great future. Accordingly, I am sending you a list of Children's book Publishers with examples of some best sellers in England. Best Regards. Tony Brady.

I enjoyed reading the chapters you posted up here. It's a nice idea of yours to put words in the parrot's mouth and to tell the story from his perspective. I think youngsters will enjoy reading about his adventures and will identify with his mother as well.

The themes of loss and freedom are quite strong and are quite nicely balanced by the humor and tone of your story throughout. It is sad that he is now lost to you - but perhaps this story will keep him close to you and your family. I think this would work particularly well if illustrated, or with photo inserts of Bao Bao.

Niduh Inwin Hun Hau! Xie Xie!

Q

PS Regards to T and V and of course Mr. P

ahhh really great idea -i write childrens stories so can relate -have backed it and put it on my watchlist -please take a look at my book the thirteenth child if you have time -elisa gianoncelli

Jane,

I have read a few chapters of Bao Bao's story. It is very sweet and has a lot of charm. You are brave to write not only in your second language, but from the point of view of a bird! I have written a few scenes from the point of view of a cat -- a challenge but satisfying. I'm not sure I could sustain it for a whole book. Naming the adult humans in the household "Mr. No-No" and "Mrs. Bossy" is very funny; maybe Vicki could have a nickname, too?

All things considered, the writing is pretty good. Chapter 1 (your 500-word introduction) needs more thorough editing. Although you will get a lot of good help on Authonomy, it might be worthwhile to hire a professional editor to standardize the punctuation, spelling, and grammar throughout. For example, in lines of dialogue that are not questions or exclamations, it is standard to place a comma inside the closing quotation mark (if the line is followed by "he said"). You have not done this, and Mr. No-No did not catch it!

I noted the following specific corrections:

Ch 2

. . . other parrots encircled the chicks "How . . ." Place a period after chicks.

little follows should be little fellows

newcomers is one word

Bao 4.; delete the period

. . . showed a great interested in her chicks. You want "interest"

". . . HUMANS CAN'T BE TRUSTED, They ruined my entirely life" wept the mother. Place a period instead of a comma after TRUSTED; entirely should be entire; place a comma after "life"

. . . still the flock loud calls . . . You want "flock's loud calls"

. . . only few lucky ones escaped. You want "a few lucky ones"

. . . she heard of a distant talking . . . You want "she heard a distant talking"

Ch 3

wooded cages. I think you want "wooden". Wooded = forested wooden = made of wood

They were relatively small songbirds. The structure of the sentence makes it sound like the cages are songbirds. You might try something like: "He looked up and saw six small, delicate wooden cages hanging from the ceiling. In them were small songbirds . . ."

He responded their sweet soft calls . . . You want "He responded to their sweet soft calls"

. . . must be craze You want "crazy"

. . . cried Bao Bao complaint. Cut complaint or reword: Bao Bao complained

. . . you had better to get used to it should be you had better get used to it.

Spell the hesitant "er" with only one "r" or it looks like the verb "err," to make an error. (In America, we spell it "uh.")

take- away has an extra space in it.

"You What!" What doesn't need to be capitalized.

the woman shouted . . . Capitalize "the" at the beginning of the sentence.

. . . and also bossing . . . You want "bossed" (same form as "shouted")

Ch 4

Bao Bao was so frighten . . . You want "frightened"

The sentence ending . . . carried around by Mrs. Bossy needs a period at the end.

. . . a little bigger everyday. In this usage, every day is two words.

. . . a distance echoing voice. You want "distant"

. . . shouted Vicki, the daughter was terrified; . . . Place a period after Vicki instead of a comma, and capitalize the.

. . . where the steps were slight lower . . . You want "slightly"

all chicks were forbidden fly . . . You want "forbidden to fly"

. . . when the sunlight caught should be "when the sunlight caught them."

Good luck with this charming story, and with bringing Bao Bao home.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

I feel that you tell this story with clarity whilst maintaining charm. Very readable, enjoyable and heartfelt.

Bec (Find Mark)

Children will love this book. What a charming tale with wonderful characters. There were errors, but nothing a simple edit couldn't fix. I would suggest you rewrite the pitch to draw more readers in, as I feel it deserves to be read. All the best :)

The African Grey - Bao Bao - This is a really delightful story with amusing characters who need so little description to implant themselves into a readers imagination, that must surely be testament to the voice and tone of the author's writing skill.
Yes, there are errors and dodgy punctuation, which can be dealt with, but for me, did not detract from a really entertaining read.
AIR LAW - terrific idea and very, very funny.
Children of all ages would love this book as there is something for everyone to enjoy.

Nanty - Chrys!

You are amazing, Jane! :) Thank you so very much for again backing my memoirs/testimony book? :)
God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Every ****** -ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 12 from the editor's desk & need to be in the top 5 by the end of November :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9-1/2 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

Dear Jane Yen,

In your intelligent story I find something for everyone. I know how important it is to get others to read, and you and your story have the potential to yield to and create a watchful audience. I believe that without good readings and readers that it is harder for people to think widely and we could use more authors like yourself who brave the world. Thank you for sharing your new work.

With Respect,

Billy McBride

I read your 'pre-introduction.'

General comments: A captivating start to a unique story. An interesting main character. Keen observations.

Specific comments on the pre-introduction:
1) ' ... as the main charter in my book, ...' 'Charter' should be 'character.'
2) 'The thought of him being imprisoned for 50 years, makes me cry. Spell out all numbers 1-99. There are more cases of this type of problem.
3) 'Now, I'll tell you 'WHY' and 'HOW' I wrote the story, ...' No need to write in all capitals. Writing in all capitals is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean when you use all capitals. You don't want that.
4) ' ... then married a Englishman.' 'A' should be 'an.'
5) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse reduces their effectiveness.
6) 'He like RED so much;' 'Like' should be 'liked.' Also, no need to write in all caps.
7) 'Before dawn at about 5 am ...' '5 am' should be 'five a. m.'
8) ' ... as if wishing him luck!!!' When you use an exclamation mark, just use one. Using more than one is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean with three exclamation marks. You don't want that.
9) 'On June 10th, 2010, Bao Bao didn't back home ...' Insert 'come' after didn't.
10) ' ... as if Bao Bao wings was stiff as well.' Bao Bao should be Bao Bao's (possessive). Also, 'was' should be 'were.'

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important pre-introduction. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest. Thank you for continuing to support "Savannah Passion." I hope "Savannah Passion" will remain on your bookshelf until it reaches the editor's desk.

Have a fabulous day.

THE AFRICAN GREY - BAO BAO by Jane Wen Williams.

Almost perfectly crafted, this vivid imaginative story contains all the ingredients to delight and entrance its target readership. A witty tone, with warm credible characterisations conveys the action across eleven chapters to an emminently satisfactory conclusion - as all the best examples of this genre should. There are also distinct cartoon possibilities in the work, due to the author's pictorial writing style. Not least among its many qualities is its clear commercial publishing potential. Definitely one for the talent spotting commissioning editors. Backed.

Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

Thank you for accepting my request to swap reads! Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I hope you will forgive me. Now that I've finally gotten around to reading some of your story, I have to tell you that it is very well written. (makes me smile because my papa is an avid fan of exclamation marks!)
Hope you will have some time to review my novel.
Good luck!
Backed
~Richard
Twin Fates

Good imagination and the talking animals will appeal to everyone, they are a good way of exploring the human equation and act as the perfect mirror for us. Good stuff

A charming story that I'm happy to back. Some of the grammar can make it a little confusing in places, but I like it.

Backed,
Dagura

Cute story! I felt like a kid again, sitting on my...well, someone's lap, anyway. Well done.

Laura Freeman
Writers on the Storm

Jane, entertaining and thoughtful - though since you are telling it in a story mode I would remove the true life tag - backed. CW (To Save the Sun)

Dear Jane,
Your work is outstanding, drawing and most delightful, in simple terms, and quite lost for words I can only describe it in one word...... Brilliant...... Yes there are some grammatical errors, but whose work on this site doesn't...... I commend you and wish you much success.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

This is a delightful and engaging story. A little hard to follow at times - you would benefit from an edit to cover grammatical issues - but worthy of my backing. This should go down well with a young audience. Colin

Hi Jane

I did enjoy this, even though the English probably needs another going over by a professional editor. There is such warmth and sympathy with the animals, and the simplicity and charm of the tale comes through. I am sure children would enjoy this book very much. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

This is a delightful children's story set in an exotic setting.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

I find this entertaining. I like talking animals. One suggestion; eliminate 99% of the explanation marks.

Backed with pleasure...

Jane this is a most attractive story which I am backing immediately. There is no column in which to leave a message so please look at my African story Freckles the Fawn - and elt me know what yu think if yu have the time. Best of luck Valerie (Balepy)

Jane, entertaining and thoughtful - though since you are telling it in a story mode I would remove the true life tag - backed. CW (To Save the Sun)

A moving and heartfelt story can be told in any language and comes unschathed through language barriers. Your young audience, I bet, will not even notice the imperfect English. You have a story to tell and you tell it well. I would not dare suggest any changes because any conventional editing will destroy what is precious in this text.

Backed with best wishes.

A.P. Constantin

The Crystal Butterfly Club

Jane,
Talking birds are bound to be a hit with children. You have a lovely style. For a second language your writing is excellent, apart from one or two little corrections needed. But that does not detract from the story.

I will back this book.

I would be grateful if you could take a look at God of the Cocoa, and see what you think. If you think it deserves it, please back it. Thanks.

The very best of luck.
Marilyn

I'm going to read this in the spirit it was written, Jane, for fun and information. In a second language and written for children, it is based on a true story well worth the telling, and as your husband says, telling in your own way.

Following the introduction, assembled to take the total word count over 10,000, I found the story itself to be charmingly expressed. The notion of Bao Bao representing the two meanings of the words, and being the name given for all four chicks is a delightful whimsy. Sadder is the story of how the mother was captured, and how all four chicks were eventually sold.

Bao Bao's noise disturbs the songbirds in his new home, but his mimicry quickly proves he can sing sweetly too. Then Mrs Bossy buys him and starts encouraging him to fly. There's lots of funny antics, like him getting stuck in the kitchen bin. Then he figures out how to fly before he works out how to land, 'You mean that cheque for 18,000 dollars is flying around'.

Later, he gets a red umbrella as his personal airport. A sand-storm from China? That's a new phenomenon to me. He gets to race with the pigeons, to see much more of the world, to meet all sorts of new birds, and to learn, 'You should go to school', like the children who read this will ... backed.

Possible nits: 'our master must be craze [crazy]'. 'In [the] third week'. BTW I couldn't get the Youtube link to work.

interesting story, and painless way of learning zoology

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Brilliant work Jane
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

A very engaging tale with heartfelt conveyances. Your enthusiasm has kept this reader reading. Charming, witty and above all, from the soul which goes a very long way. Backed. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Dear Jane,
You have a charming writing style and very nice English language skills. Don't sell yourself short! This is a humorous, heart warming story.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

THE AFRICAN GREY-BAO BAO- Jane Yen Williams
hullo Jane, What a neat story. Reminds me of my beloved Quaker Parrot, Jordie who passed while still my pet. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

I know the feeling with the fact that i did not have 10000 characters, so i had to form an extra page just to complete it lol.
Good luck with your book
backed with pleasure

You've brought some interesting animals to life (sea eagle). Your writing is filled with humor. I really enjoyed reading your story. I hope you are doing well. You have my prayers Jane.

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness. Also, there is no need to write in all capitals. Writing in all capitals is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you intend to convey with all capitals. You don't want that. Other that those nits, you've given us an appealing true story with vivid settings. Confident narrative. Magical use of language. Inspired writing. A delight to read. Backed.

I am so glad I backed this book and I congratulate you on your achievement. I hope this has a happy ending as you and Bao Bao deserve a happy ending. This is beautiful, emotional and powerful.
This is a special book that deserves special recognition and I back you very, very easily.

Lisax

Jane this is a beautifully written story, you bring real magic to its telling. The story of Bao Bao's life so far is touching and it is obvious how much this means to you.
Well done and best of luck
Rachael
(Dreamscape)

Jane you are a writer! with a charming and irresistible story to tell. Bao Bao is fun and engaging for children and I loved it.
Kind regards
Jane

It's easy to write (Google translation!) ...BUT it is painful for the person to correct the bad gramma and... English is a beautiful language and also so many...many fascinating stories written in English..... I like jokes and funny things. Bao Bao and my family had wonderful 4 months together! Thank you !

Jane, can't be easy to write in a second language, but you have a fascinating story. I hope that things work out and Bao Bao returns to you.

Jane, can't be easy to write in a second language, but you have a fascinating story. I hope that things work out and Bao Bao returns to you.

We knew each other from You tube - today, I told him that I had uploaded Bao Bao's story on this site!

There appears to be two books on here now about escaped African parrots. Both entered in the last two days. Good luck to you both. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Jane,

I wanted to commend you on endeavoring to write your book in English. What a challenge you've set for yourself, and you are meeting that challenge swimmingly!

Yes, you still have some grammar and punctuation errors, but, considering how far you've come, I'm sure that will all be straightened out in due course.

All that said, Boa Boa's is such a touching story and you've done a great job from what I've read.

My hat's off to you.

All the best,

Eric

Hi Jaye, thank you very much for your comment, I'm totally agreed with you about the bad punctuation and grammar, the more I read all of your stories on this site, I feel more embarrassing with my english (as if murdering the beautiful language!), I wrote about Bao Bao (April - June) because it was fun... seeing him chasing a small sparrow ... and landing so disgraceful.... it made me laugh..Mr. No- No ... he likes different kind of story (John Le Carre) and he hates correcting my bad english!!! and he doesn't have time!!! I'm glad that my story has been read..although it's not graceful done!!!!

Jane you have the beginnings of a great story here, some of the passages are splendid; i particularly like the description of his release from the cage at the end and believing himself to be falling but then discovering he was gliding and free. However, I think it needs rather more polishing, despite Mr No No's opposition and if you tighten up the language, both punctuation and grammar, you will have a more coherent tale. Put in the missing pronouns and prune out the unnecessary information (e.g.what absolute grace admired Bao Bao - you don't need to say admired Bao Bao - there are only two people speaking and it is plain he is admiring by what he says.) I have backed it and am going to put it on my watch list in the hope that you will come back with an edited version as I believe it has great potential.

Jane you have the beginnings of a great story here, some of the passages are splendid; i particularly like the description of his release from the cage at the end and believing himself to be falling but then discovering he was gliding and free. However, I think it needs rather more polishing, despite Mr No No's opposition and if you tighten up the language, both punctuation and grammar, you will have a more coherent tale. Put in the missing pronouns and prune out the unnecessary information (e.g.what absolute grace admired Bao Bao - you don't need to say admired Bao Bao - there are only two people speaking and it is plain he is admiring by what he says.) I have backed it and am going to put it on my watch list in the hope that you will come back with an edited version as I believe it has great potential.

Well done...a great effort under the circumstances...Mr No No needs to do some more editing, especially on punctuation etc.
Best wishes
Stewart

Dear Jane Yen Williams,

Welcome to the wonderful world of Authonomy where you'll meet interesting people and they'll meet you and get to read your lovely book and you'll get to read so, so, so many, too. It's like being a literary agent and much fun.

Your joy shines through your writing, The African Grey Bao Bao -- precious baby -- a moving story and good life lessons for children. "Freedom is the most valuable thing."

Best wishes and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School
(Birds of a different feather, but please have a look.)

Your story is touching and wonderful

Best

The Mind Setter

As a Grey owner (Woodstock) I can totally relate to your story - My "Woody" is 2 years old and we let him fly outside and he comes back to us everytime. They are so darn smart and beautiful and hopefully when you say Bao Bao is imprisoned that he isn't being abused. It breaks my heart to think of mistreated animals. I am so looking forward to finishing what you have uploaded but for now Backed 100%

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Apart from the fact that I hate birds to be caged, I was drawn to this by the pitch and the originality of the story. It would be nice to think that Bao Bao was a tale of fiction, sadly it isn't but hopefully children reading this might stop and think about the plight of such creatures.
It is a story charmingly told and I'm happy to back it.
Margaret.

Hope ou succeed in your quest well done this should get some attention - see it soon on the telly, never mnd youtube.