Kuda Puti

Dear BE, your vote still counts, please check my message. Thanks, Pia

Hi BE
This is a great story with a great name! It's always good to read a WW2 from the Australian perspective as it is not often covered. This is also a WW2 story with a different angle and much more original than most. A really strong plot and some nicely developed characters.
DP Walker
Five Dares

A beautiful,enticing pitch more than matched by the elegant storytelling. Will look forward to reading the full story just as soon as I can find the time.

Philip John (Dead Reckoning/The Ambassador's Last Post)

What a beautiful, original pitch. I cannot believe I have missed this in the past. Backed with pleasure. Will return with further comments once I have read further.
Helen

B E Holland:

This is such a unique and intriguing read. You write with clarity. Your descriptions are vivid. We can feel, touch, and sense what the girl is going through when we first meet her at the hospital and travel with her along her journey with the strangers. I'm wondering why she left the hospital, a seemingly safe place, for such uncertainty.

At the end of chapter 1, we see that the girl is finally given clothing amidst laughter from the new found travelers who probably thought she had made a mess of the attire. What is missing, however, is a cliff hanger. You want to leave the reader HUNGRY for what is going to happen next. No-- we still don't know the girl's name so a certain amount of intrigue is there, but consider adding a cliff hanger to the end of each chapter--to keep the reader guessing.

I did enjoy the read, though but offer a few suggestions. In the sentence: "A flashlight at a second doorway besides her bed caused her to start (Not clear here what it caused her to do. Did it cause her to start to remember? If so, consider: "A flashlight at a second doorway besides her bed caused her to remember."

In another sentence: "The door swung open silently, the light inside displaying a small bathroom and WC. (What is WC?)

These are just my OPINION. Use if you find them helpful; feel free to discard if you don't. Backed

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

Fresh storyline.. a relief from from vampires and magical stuff stuff. Backed.
- Siddharth Bajpai
"sunshine Days"

very decently written, backed for your writing style =]
~Zero, No Title Needed

I find the premise and the plot exciting but your character comes over as rather neutral. I think it's the rather distant way you tell the story. This may be deliberate but it's a bit off-putting. Backed, however, and enjoyed.
Rosalind
Good for Him
Making It

C'mon people this super tale SHOULD NOT be going down the charts!!!
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book
Could you also have a read (if you haven't done so) of 'Moonbeam Highway' by Tim Chambers, a wonderful book that at present sits on the Ed's desk.

You have a wonderful way of painting the scene with very few words. Concise, elegant and to the point, we're carried along, and I'm personally enthralled.

I shall be back for more, but in the meantime this has my vote :)

Abi xxx

I like to comment as I read, just my thoughts as if I was in a book shop. I don’t crit grammar or anything like that much. I have been doing it this way for a while and it seems to work OK and it’s fun.

Hello – Kuda Puti

Beautiful cover and interesting pitches.


I am being gently moved along by the mysterious happenings in what seems to be a hospital and then suddenly the statement “like her mother’s legs” I was under the impression that this girl had no idea, who she was, where she was, why she was there and now suddenly she remembers her mother’s legs – confusing.

Obviously your writing is very skilful, the story is enthralling and the pace and tone wonderful. I am backing this but I still think that the comment about the mother’s legs is a little too stark at that point – cheers - Diane

Dear Diane,
Thanks for the comment. I'll take it on board. I have re-writted so much of this I become confused. I will take your advise and introduce the fact that she does not know why she is in hospital and she thinks that she is twelve.

I like to comment as I read, just my thoughts as if I was in a book shop. I don’t crit grammar or anything like that much. I have been doing it this way for a while and it seems to work OK and it’s fun.

Hello – Kuda Puti

Beautiful cover and interesting pitches.

I am being gently moved along by the mysterious happenings in what seems to be a hospital and then suddenly the statement “like her mother’s legs” I was under the impression that this girl had no idea, who she was, where she was, why she was there and now suddenly she remembers her mother’s legs – confusing.

Obviously your writing is very skilful, the story is enthralling and the pace and tone wonderful. I am backing this but I still think that the comment about the mother’s legs is a little too stark at that point – cheers - Diane

This is a top-rate book ... everywhere I dip I find excellent, clear prose, good description, interesting complete characterisation, good dialogue and a solid background to all that is going on. I would highly recommend this.
Backed, of course.
Roger Thurling

BE
You have a fantastic premise. WWII accounts are strangely lacking where Australia is concerned (relative to British, German and American narratives), and epecially when Aborigines are involved. I applaud you for your originality. Your writing style is lucid, clear, and beautifully evocative. Your opening was wonderful - the descriptions, the immediate sense of danger, the strangeness of amnesia; all of it was conveyed with meticulous detail. I enjoyed it thoroughly, as both a reader and a writer. This is a real find, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck with it.
--R.N.

Exotic locale and interesting plot. Most of us know nothing about the aboriginal people of Australia. I wonder why you didn't list your book under genre Young Adult? Since your protagonist is 15, fairly naturally teens will want to read it. Good job! -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

I have found the view point represented here fascinating.
Have just finished Chapter 3.
Is it brainwashing or belief?
She is happy as his mistress altho' so young!
I'm backing it for its novelty and good writing.
Hope you can return.
good luck
Micheal O'Durcain
Murder on the Menu

Read the first chapter and find the story compelling. Will be keeping it on my WL for a while longer as I want to go back back and read more as time permits. Backed earlier with pleasure. J.B. Reed - Deadly Shamrocks

This is ineresting so far and has a good voice, though a tad dry at times. I will shelve it and read some more this evening, but so far it has kept be me turning pages. Well done.

BE

I'm returning your read of Appetites. Apologies for the delay in doing so.

First thing that strikes is that the short pitch--with it's echo of 'of'--is a little clumsy. You could turn this around a little, something like:

Entwined lives tell WW2 history from a new perspective.

Anyway, just a thought.

The long pitch I found a little confusing and impersonal.

You open with a strong first line: then give me a weather report. The humidity of the jungle is worth capturing, but I think you overdo it. Watch out for repition--I notice 'having' echoed in the first paragraph.

The we shift to Shosha Obi's viewpoint, but we never quite get close to him. The little moments of action--crouching low, eating the rice--are well observed, but some of the exposition is intrusive, and the critical Japanese mindset feels as if it is being explained rather than shown.

The next chapter is similar: in that interesting events are narrated, but as a reader I never quite feel that I experience them.

Good luck with this.

Mr Holdril,
I have read your work and found myself reading a dissertation, not a work of entertainment. This is a classic example of textbook writing, all facts and no emotion. Were I to care, I would be yawning. As such, it wasn’t worth the effort. Worse yet, this was the first chapter.
Chapter two started out the same, sounding much like a math explanation, except with words. The fact that Belinda understood what the translator was saying is a mystery between Belinda and you, as I, the reader, was left not bothering to even scratch my head. I could mention the mistakes a newbie would do, such as the constant passive voice you display throughout your narrative and so on, but there are so many of them I fear it would tax the lifespan of my existence.
Jumping to chapter six, more passive voice. At this point, I am ready to slit my own throat to relieve my boredom. Are you writing for Australians? Great! Spare the rest of us this assault! Otherwise, edit the ridiculous statement. At this point, I gave up.
You have had 1.5 years to work on this and improve it. What have you been doing? I would suggest you start with the title, as the Title you have is about as exciting as a bout of Ebola. Either authonomites have given you placating placebo-like comments hoping for a return read, or then you have been ignoring critique. I have not bothered to find out which. I suggest you concentrate on improving this, but then, perhaps you are more interested in other things.
Dan Figeredo, A.K.A Mr. Smith

"The day of the invasion" is a dramatic start to a chapter. It was jarring to then read half a paragraph of lyrical place description. Have you ever thought about starting it "The day of the invasion the first Japanese groups approached from the south." Just pick the chapter up from there, and weave the place description throughout the chapter when those elements (the fog, the mist, the small pools) are encountered by the troops, or have a negative, or positive impact on the fighting.
There are minor editing issues--awkward spots, verb tense problems, wordiness in places. As for plot and character, starting at chapter 31, I don't feel I can make any comments, because the plot and character deficiencies (are these the good guys?, who is this Obi? What happened to the girl?) have probably been addressed in chapters 1-30.
Overall, its well written.

Julie Farkas
Morning Call

"...withstand the twenty or so rifles that fell upon him..." Rifles falling on someone won't kill him. Riflemen would kill him and so would snipers or soldiers.

"...than those of an average Japanese infantry unit were." Leave out the WERE
"...in spite of them using the small folding shovels they each carried." "...in spite of using the small folding shovels they each carried."
"The drone of aircraft overhead was not met with any anti-aircraft fire..." Leave out ANY

Okay, I'm officially confused. The story is supposed to be about a girl missing three years of her life and yet this starts with chapter 31, skips 32 and goes to 33. What happened to the story of the girl and the first 30 and missing chapters?
You've obviously taken a lot of time and trouble to learn what happened during WWII and that shows in the writing. There are some minor grammatical errors, but the story, what there is of it and despite the missing chapters, is well written. Starting near the end of the book will not help get it sold or draw the attention of an editor who is going to ask, "Where's the rest of the book?" I'd like to read the beginning of the book to judge, but if the writing is as good as what I've read here, then it will be worth reading. Backed with reservations.
JMC

been there read that, this sort of story has been over done. Needs something more original to it.

I think you have done a lot of research for your history to create the authentic feel that this story seems to have. You create great scenes and characters. I don't a lot of depth there though for me to feel any empathy for your main character. I feel that those who enjoy literature would really enjoy this. Good luck with it.

Extremely well written, no technical problems for me. All the detail sounded very authentic. I'm starting in the middle so my comments may not be appropriate when read in context, but Obi's setting up camp was a bit straightforward. They find the place deserted and move in. even though the writing was fine the narrative was a little flat. that may suit the story, taking into account what's happened before, but i did feel like I wanted them to find something or make some kind of decision or something less passive to happen. Otherwise I think it reads very smoothly. Happy to back.

The extract of your book apparently starts at chapter 31 and does not seem to have much connection with the synopsis in your pitch, which I assume refers to the previous 30. Nevertheless, as someone who lived through World War 2 in London and saw it mainly from a European point of view I welcome the insight it gives me into the lives of people in the Far East, both civilian and military. It is very well written and I have no hesitation in backing it. Perhaps you might care to look at a horse of a very different colour - Adam's Apple.
Leslie Rocker

Excellent description and writing. Backed, with pleasure.

Carol

Hmm, when I saw Cape Leveque I wondered if the ‘ hospital’ might be the leprosarium at Derby. There was quite an odd tone to this but it sucked me in. oh yes, Mary would be ambitious to try to chase a kangaroo. :-) This story poses a mystery and I look forward to seeing what happens next, after the four chapters I’ve read.

It was the clinic at the Palotine mission at Beagle Bay, te one with the Coral Altar. Thanks for reading it. I have since posted the chapters that reveal what it was that she was running away from.

Hmm, when I saw Cape Leveque I wondered if the ‘ hospital’ might be the leprosarium at Derby. There was quite an odd tone to this but it sucked me in. oh yes, Mary would be ambitious to try to chase a kangaroo. :-) This story poses a mystery and I look forward to seeing what happens next, after the four chapters I’ve read.

You have written a lot of history into this. As a result, we have a sort of general over-view of the situation, an understanding of the big picture not otherwise possible to convey. The down side of course is that we are not always close-in to your Main Character, in the way that most novels usually attempt to draw us.
In the chapters I have read (1 to 6 as currently displayed) even when dealing with the detailed activities and viewpoint of Belinda this distant and almost dispassionate feel continues. The psychological state she is in may account for much of this, a distance, a shield, to lessen the horror of her environment and situation.
In any case this is a book worth reading, and of course worth writing.
phil

Hi.

I think you have a winner here. I was a boy when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor. I remember very clearly the effects of the war. Much of what you describe brings back memories I really do not like recalling. That means your descriptions are excellent. You do hook your reader at the start. I think you draw your reader from one chapter to the next, but I am not certain because there are only six chapters. Chapter to chapter deaw is one thing I look for when I comment. Dialogue is real and flows well. BACKED

Keep smiling
Joseph D Palermo
(Jamie 7)

Kuda Puti:

B.E. Holland,

The first [uploaded] Chapter is absorbing because you transport the reader right into the sights, sounds smells and even tastes [the quinine after-taste of the dry rice] which create the immediacy in an exotic setting.
When you add to this the furtive forward movement of the soldiers and a man is despatched in the short sentence, 'Out of habit he drew his revolver' I felt involved in a very threatening environment which, mercifully, I'm probably too old to have to ever witness combat first hand in any theatre of war.
There is immense authenticity to this, the research very thorough but the balance between lecturing and entertaining woven and crafted with real care.
All this, combined with the build of Obi's character and the promise of the storyline as already set out in the synopsis is for me at once a present escape from the reality of this day and yet a prospect whose dread will sadly be with us for the thousands of years to come until man - if he doesn't destroy himself first - will evolve into a creature who can live in greater harmony.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

I wouldn't give up on finding a professional publisher for this book. The plot line is intense and thought-provoking. You skilfully use a third-person limited narrative to attach the reader closely to the Girl's discovery of the mysteries behind her reemergence. Can't make a final appraisal of the book without reading more, but (except for the last sentence, which sounded a little cliched to me) the pitch indicates a journey well worth taking. Happy to back Kuda Puti.
Niobrara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

We start with a wide angled lens in the first paragraph. Very cinematic. But I think your sentences are not well constructed and require either simplifying or reordering. Also you start with something that has stopped (the noisy generator) and the absence of noise only makes sense from the point of view of a character...which is what we lack.

Why not start with the girl...woken by something. What? She listens. Nothing...exactly. The ratlle and hum of the generator has stopped. An unearthly silence.

We share her experience. We IDENTIFY.

We watch the girl. You tell us about her...but we can't hear her thoughts, her voice, share her senses. Let us hear her.

Why the distance?

An interesting start to what promises to be a great story. We are kept in suspense for the first two chapters, at least. I will try and come back to this one and read more later. As for now. Backed without any hesitation

Colt
A Time for Living

[return backing ☼☼☼☼☼]

An impressive and effective piece of writing. The opening is very strong. The sense of an unspecified demonic threat it effortlessly conveyed. I am left wondering what is going on and I want to find out. The girl looking in the mirror and discovering she is older than she remembers is excellent. I was a bit lost about the internal organisation of the building. If she opens the door of the room, does it to into a corridor? Where is the WC? How does she get from there back to the bed if there is a hooded figure outside? Does the door from the room lead to the outside? For this to work there have to be three doors to that room, one to a corridor, one to a WC and one to the veranda. It doesn’t really matter to me, but I did wonder about that? her “sixth sense” chimes well with her speaking two native Australian languages. I very much want to read on. I’m backing this. And thanks for backing Bokassa. Sorry about the delay in getting back.

Dear BE, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" & "commented" on your book, I came to your "comment" page to help it advance more. I will also put it on my "watchlist" to help it move up. To help my other book to advance, would you please "back" & "comment" on my edited version? "He Love Me, He Loves Me Not." Thanks, Susie :)

The storyline develops with an easy pace for this reader. The "cherry pick" feature provided by the site is not employed to save favorable comments. I find this feature helpful. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

Backed with pleasure. This is a very interesting story. Well-written, with a nice pace, the development of the MC and her situation is believable and poignant. I wish you all the best. (By the way, the cover is beautiful.)
Judy Adams
The Existence Game

hullo Mr. Holland. Yourstory flows in an interesting way. As mentioned before by others, you need to break up your paragraphs. One other thing, I have read all eight chapters and there is a repeat since ch. 3 and ch.6 are the same I believe. you have already been shelved and backed Please consider mine.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

shelved with pleasure

Sue
Fate's Chastening

A great pace and BEAUTIFULLY written without sounding forced. Stay true to your style. The content isn't the kind of story I would read personally, but the writing is the kind of writing I like to see in the books I do read. This looks like it would be a more interesting story on the subject matter you are writing on. Your target audience would love this, IMO. Will shelve on next rotation.
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

The extra long paragraphs, don't do well in this format. In reading, I felt like I was reading a book. That's not a good reaction. Strangers, oblique shadows ,foul odors, an unfamiliair place... am I supposed to be in a pig farm or somewhere else?

Just giving you the same consideration and bullshit you offered.

Sorry, but you still don't impress me as someone qualified to give an opinion on anything marketable, since your own form is archaic.

Hi B E, This is very intriguing, the idea that a girl could lose her memory for three years. Her comfort level with the aborigines and running off with them also showed her state-of-mind since she would stick out as described. Her history – I wasn’t sure if she was aware of it – begins to clear while her present is evocative and has an air of mystery. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Dear BE Hollard, I love literary fiction. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs (you may want to cut the longer ones into 2 or more for an easier faster read to as not lose us) & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

You are probably correct. However, it is delibrately delayed I wanted the reader a little mystified and if I can create an empathy with the girl and the reader they find out simultaneously. The omnipresent narrator could provide the detail earlier but I thought, that would cloud the girls thought process.
Thank you for the support.

Mr. Holland,
I have backed your book with pleasure. I found it well-written and interesting. One small suggestion and perhaps you did this and Imssed it. I know you say this in the pitch, but I believe it would warranted telling in the book itself. Allow the reader to know the location and time period earlier. i did not pickup on that until chpater 3.
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Mr. Holland,
I have backed your book with pleasure. I found it well-written and interesting. One small suggestion and perhaps you did this and Imssed it. I know you say this in the pitch, but I believe it would warranted telling in the book itself. Allow the reader to know the location and time period earlier. i did not pickup on that until chpater 3.
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Mr. Holland,
I have backed your book with pleasure. I found it well-written and interesting. One small suggestion and perhaps you did this and Imssed it. I know you say this in the pitch, but I believe it would warranted telling in the book itself. Allow the reader to know the location and time period earlier. i did not pickup on that until chpater 3.
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Mr. Holland,
I have backed your book with pleasure. I found it well-written and interesting. One small suggestion and perhaps you did this and Imssed it. Allow the reader to know the location and time zone earlier. i did not pickup on that until chpater 3.
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Dear BE Hollard, I love literary fiction. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs (you may want to cut the longer ones into 2 or more for an easier faster read to as not lose us) & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)