Lies & Love

The end of the prologue I believe is a powerful first hand account of what happens when an intoxicated driver's car hits another. I didn't mean that as to say you are saying this from experience. I just believe that it captured it in a way that could possibly be remembered by someone when they reach for that drink and then their keys. You have a way with words.

Hi Cat: I read the first two chapters and must say it's a great story. I am by no means an expert but have a few suggestions:
The short pitch : After years....Tawny strikes out on her own altering several lives.
Long pitch: Start with Forced....no need to repeat yourself.
Chapter 1: I would have liked to know who Jesse was. Perhaps go into a little more detail when she is at home and has nightmares.
You also mention her disconnection with her father further down. I would make that clear at the beginning about her mother's preganancy etc.
Ch2
Here i would add alittle more on the housekeeper and gardener and how they played a role on her escape. Perhaps mention how through the years loved Tawny and how they wanted to help her escape her father.
I think overall this has great potential!
Will get back and read more of this story.
Red

Although you have told me a lot, rasther than showing me, once again your prologue is a great hook. I want to know more, even though Tawny comes accross as an unspypathetic, whiny snob.
I got part way through chapter 1, but have run out of time.

I think you need a new line after your opening line of dialogue, since Tawny spoke, but then you go on to tell us what Jesse does.
Telling... 'Jesse ignored her...'. Show me instead: 'Jesse just gunned the engine. Tawny stamped her foot (or her Prada heel into the pavement) and scowled at him..'

I see the potential and will come back sometime.

Greg
The Spanish Helmet

Hi there, have had a chance to read first three chapters. You are developing some very likeable characters who I felt empathy for. The subject matter for each story is very heavy - is there something lighter to temper the darkness?! I felt Tawny was likeable despite being rich (and spoilt?) I did wonder exactly how big the estate was that a house could be built on it and no one notice? Need some sense of scale here. Interested to know Jeff's back story - why was he sacked? etc. A good start and wish I could read more. Good luck, Kerry M (Her Soul To Keep)

Good writing, I'm happy to back this. Good luck! Val (Midwyf)

Just an addition to my comment - you should have your own book-cover. It's not just important for marketing, it is that your own book should have the proper frame - like a mark of respect. It doesn't have to be elaborate or expert as long as it is unique.

Very, very good. To be backed. If it was complete, I'd add it to my profile page as a recommendation, one I would like to come back to.
I have no criticism as to style, found no typos in the two and a bit chapters I read, and I very much like that you've made Tawny a gutsy heroine, not a miserable, bullied one.
Great story, Marj.

Hi C.A. I read the prologue just to get a feeling for your writing. I thought I'd make a few technical comments and get them out of the way.

First, I'm not a trained writer so anything I say is barely worth the ink. The prologue is okay because it provides the back story to take you to where the story really starts.

Not much dialogue involved early on so I can't comment on how it sounds.

Your narrative is smooth and informative; well written. Passive voice is not always bad, but should be avoided unless you have a specific reason to slow the action down. Your prologue is relatively short so I suggest trying to avoid it. Example: When Tawny is thinking about fastening the seat belt, you say "...couldn't make the ends meet..." That tells us what she's doing. There's an axiom in writing that says "Show, don't tell." That said, you might want to try something like this. You already said she was "...struggling to get the seat belt buckled...", so you don't want to be redundant. Consider rewriting to say something like "...Tawney snapped, her mild state of intoxication causing her problems connecting the ends of the seat belt to buckle properly.

Also, be careful using the words "had" and "that". In most cases they add nothing to the sentence bus to slow it down. They can easily be written out.

All in all, though, I think you're off to a fairly good start. Remember, the important thing is to get your story on paper and to complete it. You can always edit later.

Good luck with your book.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

C. A.,
The shock element of the beginning worked very well for "Lies & Love" because it got me hooked. As I became more familiar with Tawny, I could see through her surface surliness, the void within her crying for anything akin to love. Certainly she was the product of a dysfunctional home causing her to take matters into her own hands. Your characters are very real and what they say true to type. Thanks for the good read. I'm waiting for the rest.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

i am not understanding the body guard or why her father hates being seen with her...somewhat confused. but do enjoy the storyline.

Well written and draws the reader in. Should do well. backed and rated.
Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

An interesting story of a relationship between two very broken people, with some added menace from outside to keep the pages turning. I enjoyed it very much. I don’t have any objections to the Prologue. Most prologues seem to provide a flash-forward to hook the reader, whereas here it seems a natural start-point to the story. So you could sidestep the prologue objections by renaming it Chapter 1, or pre-pending to the start of the current Chapter 1, with a section-break in between. Minor quibbles. I found it really hard to work out what was going on at the start of your Chapter 2 (Autho Ch.3) and needed to reread it before I understood. Then, further along, the sentence ‘Despite being born three weeks early ...’ is confusing as the previous para has cast doubts on exactly how premature the baby actually is. A couple of typos: “repellant” should be “repellent” in Ch.4 (5) and “pled” should be “pleaded” in Ch.7 (8), or does “pled” really exist in American English? Altogether a thoroughly good read.

Hi - as below, prologues aren't really the way forward & you could use the option of weaving the elements into Chapters 1 & 2. What jumped out at me was the regular appearance of the word 'thankfully'; which I think cheapens the strength of your prose.

Backed & rated

Rob

Anything that starts with a prologue puts me off, but i think yours is needed but would be fine as a first chapter. Prologue always seem to me to be cheating the book, like reading the back page. I didn't read any of your pitch until i started getting a sultry air from work after which i checked out your pitch and genre. Which basically means to me that you hit the ground running with this one "it does exactly what it says on the tin"
When i read Catcher In The Rye i got a similar feeling as i do with your work, the writing is very much a matter of fact, but theres always enough to hold the reader.

You have an easy writing style and I enjoyed the first few chapters. I have rated and I'm looking forward to reading more. Nothing negative yet. I will maybe comment again the further on I get.
Good luck to you,
Claire- Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls

I hope this has a happy ending! Backed!

I like your writing style which is unpretentious and reads easily. You have a talent and an ability to convey emotion and elicit empathy from the reader.

Jane

Dear C.A.

loved your short and long pitch both really sell your book which they are meant too so CONGRATS, and love the way you write. Your ability with words to craft an orginal read is amazing. the characters have decided to take up permanent residence but i will insist they leave soom to go home. ha! I have to wonder on this site at the
creations that come from peoples heads and of course the immense talent of those like yourself to animate
such colorful characters. I truly wish I had half your talent.

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

Yes C. A. you have a very intriguing pitch. It makes you want to read and read this wonderfully written book.
I have backed you with pleasure and have your book on my shelve. I hope you keep coming up with good stories like this. I also hope that you back my book 'The Outrage'

Cheers Pamela

Dear C.A., Well, here I am backing your 2nd book (I backed your other book 54 days ago). :) This one is just as well written. :) Your pitch drew me in to read & your tight dialogue & paragraphs kept me reading. :) Ah, romance. :) Hope you write a lot more books. :) Also hope you'll back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)