The Secrets Of The Forest - 'Cosmos 501'

Hi Neville,

What a wonderful walk into the imaginative world of these characters. I felt my childlike innocense returning as I read. Your characters are strong and should should appeal to children well. That said, heck, they appealed to me! LOL.

In critique, I would say that a pro edit is in order. I'm sure you are aware of that. I noticed some punctuation issues here and there, a couple of misspelled words and at times, an over usage of certain ads and pros. Again, nothing serious, as it is children's material, I realize words / phrases such as these are more commonplace when writing for children.

The structure of your two stories is good. You have a unique gift that I would think we all share a hidden desire to capture. Your imagination is wonderful!!! Absolutely wonderful. The creativity in designing and bringing these characters to life is interesting.

Best of luck sir in your efforts to bring these stories to the night stands of children all over the world. I could picture these stories being read by a third grade teacher to students in school everywhere.

Emmett
(E M Delaney)
-THE VIRUS

Coming Soon:
MIRACLE IN THE SWAMP

Neville,
I'm reading the second book of your series, without having read the first one, to see how it stands on its own, and finding it pretty well self-sufficient. "The Secrets of the Forest - 'Cosmos 501'" is a delightful read, the uncluttered prose as easy to follow as the casual dialogue. Tommy, his Gran and Esmeralda are sympathetic characters one can get used to and like, even cheer on through their challenges. Thank you so much for the entertaining tale.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

The Secrets Of The Forest - 'Cosmos 501' is the second book in The Secrets Of The Forest series. I loved the first book based on the strength of author Neville Kent’s descriptive prose. Having set the mood with the first one, this one sort of dives right into the story a bit more quickly, and I think it’s even better than the first, though they are both six star novels to be sure.

The genius of Kent’s writing is that it can be enjoyed on many different levels. Younger people and middle-grade readers will find a fascinating story that they can easily comprehend filled with imagination and wonder. It’s the type of story that children will remember finding well into their adult lives as cherished childhood memory. Adults will find this too, but also will discover somewhat deeper meaning in the stories. In short, it can be enjoyed by children of all ages, even if your age is approaching the upper end of the scale.

The first twelve chapters posted here show excellent pacing, fit for a sequel. Someone new jumping into the series won’t be left out in the dark either. Cosmos 501 is a self-contained story of its own. But you would not blame them for scrambling to find the first one. Publishers will want to sign the entire series. Neville Kent proves that he’s not a one hit wonder with this second book. Instead, he could become one of the great children’s book authors of our time.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

The Secrets Of The Forest - 'Cosmos 501'

Neville Kent

Neville,
Having dipped into your first I loved it so much and as such took a quick look at your second. I find that once a writer has set a good standard which appeal to me in a first novel, I usually take to his subsequent ones, and your second also appealed to me. Having children myself, I am especially partial to good children's books and I think yours is full of inspiration and wonder. May you have suuccess with them both.
Zan

The Secrets of The Forest (Cosmo 51).
This is the second book I have had a read at, only a couple of chapters so far, but the recipe is exactly the same and everything I said previously applies here. I'm convinced there is a publisher out there for you and
he's not that far away. I'm BACKING this with pleasure and good luck.

Frank James (The Contractor)

I really enjoyed reading your book. I really like the way you pace the book for a young audiance. I find it is well written and without errors. I look forward to reading more.
Best wishes,
Ashleigh Blanchard

Sorry, Debbie but you've jumped to the second book before reading the first. Although the second book draws on the first it doesn't contain the actual meeting of Esmeralda and Tommy.

Hello
I enjoyed the story on the whole but found it took a while to warm up and hook me in. Your narrative is good but maybe use it less for children. For example, Instead of telling about his handicap since birth, why not find some interesting way of showing it instead. Show, not tell, is the key to a good story. I'd start the story with something more exciting than a boy cleaning windows. You could start with an exciting scene with the magic of Esmeralda helping him walk and then cut to the scene with his gran. Well, that's just me ,based on what I've been taught. Your characterisation is good -you can see the warmth in the relationship between Tommy and his gran The dialogue is excellent, very realistic. I hope you don't perceive my comments as negative -I see you have fantastic feedback -but I say it as I see it otherwise what's the point. Good luck

Hello
I enjoyed the story on the whole but found it took a while to warm up and hook me in. Your narrative is good but maybe use it less for children. For example, Instead of telling about his handicap since birth, why not find some interesting way of showing it instead. Show, not tell, is the key to a good story. I'd start the story with something more exciting than a boy cleaning windows. You could start with an exciting scene with the magic of Esmeralda helping him walk and then cut to the scene with his gran. Well, that's just me ,based on what I've been taught. Your characterisation is good -you can see the warmth in the relationship between Tommy and his gran The dialogue is excellent, very realistic. I hope you don't perceive my comments as negative -I see you have fantastic feedback -but I say it as I see it otherwise what's the point. Good luck

Neville, I’ve put together a Quantitative Critique Score Sheet to respond to your story from a contest perspective. I hope you find this informative and helpful. (Max 10x10 pts)

Title: [Cosmos 501]
Author: [Neville Kent]

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[10] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[09] Enjoyment (your writing is responsible for that)
[09] Interest (very good scenes)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[07] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix)
[07] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (easy edit)
[10] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[09] Coherent / Order
[10] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[10] Cover Design
[09] Pitch (Consider having stronger teasers. For example, say the Keeper might explain some exciting secrets without saying what they are.

TOTAL
[90/100]

Comments: I enjoyed the story. Characters and plot were compelling. I recommend it.

E L Russell

Read your first two chapters.
It really starts off in a different way. It is a bit slow, but it fits how you are writing your book. It is a good pace!!
I didn't see any mistakes in anything.
The reader can tell that you are leading to a very good story and the plot is creative.
Good job.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

The language of your book is pitched at just the right level for a young audience. The narrative is lively and the enchanting storyline intriguing; both of which should quickly engage the reader. Backed.
William (The Caves of Caerdraig)

Neville,
I'm reading the second book of your series, without having read the first one, to see how it stands on its own, and finding it pretty well self-sufficient. "The Secrets of the Forest - 'Cosmos 501'" is a delightful read, the uncluttered prose as easy to follow as the casual dialogue. Tommy, his Gran and Esmeralda are sympathetic characters one can get used to and like, even cheer on through their challenges. Thank you so much for the entertaining tale.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

An enchanting story, written well, very engaging. Happy to back.

Ella's Heartstrings

The Secrets of the Forest - 'Cosmos 501'

Neville,
I'm halfway through the chapters and entranced with the story, characters and especially the natural flow of the dialog. This puts me in mind of the "Narnia" stories. Thanks for writing this, Neville. I would certainly buy this book if it were to be published. Can't wait to continue reading this story; sorry I did not start sooner. Adults should be required to read a children's book at least once every year to keep track of their humanity! It goes without saying that I must read the first book, "The Time Zone" as soon as I can get to it.

Dyana

The Secrets Of The Forest - 'Cosmos 501' is the second book in The Secrets Of The Forest series. I loved the first book based on the strength of author Neville Kent’s descriptive prose. Having set the mood with the first one, this one sort of dives right into the story a bit more quickly, and I think it’s even better than the first, though they are both six star novels to be sure.

The genius of Kent’s writing is that it can be enjoyed on many different levels. Younger people and middle-grade readers will find a fascinating story that they can easily comprehend filled with imagination and wonder. It’s the type of story that children will remember finding well into their adult lives as cherished childhood memory. Adults will find this too, but also will discover somewhat deeper meaning in the stories. In short, it can be enjoyed by children of all ages, even if your age is approaching the upper end of the scale.

The first twelve chapters posted here show excellent pacing, fit for a sequel. Someone new jumping into the series won’t be left out in the dark either. Cosmos 501 is a self-contained story of its own. But you would not blame them for scrambling to find the first one. Publishers will want to sign the entire series. Neville Kent proves that he’s not a one hit wonder with this second book. Instead, he could become one of the great children’s book authors of our time.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I have read a selection of chapters and think they are all beautifully written. There is something so simple but enchanting about your writing. I found it very nostalgic and think you have done a wonderful job of creating a warm feeling for the reader. Unfortunately, I don't think I have any helpful constructive criticisms. I think children would thoroughly enjoy it!

Laura
Beneath the Blossom Tree

Hi Neville
I am looking forward to getting stuck into book 2 after the delightful first book. Will there be a 3?
On my WL for a day or two while I catch up with my reading.
Tonia

http://www.authonomy.com/books/27447/blue-diamonds/

Interesting... I can see that your target age group would like this story very much!
All the best,
Clive Clapson
"Sugar on Snow: A Boy's Memoir"

Hi Neville, Liked the start of this with the magpie messenger and the search for Esmerelda. Tommy's POV comes through well and the setting is vivid. Although it seemed that the action might have started a little sooner, Tommy's relationship with his mother is well-portrayed and makes a contrast with Esmerelda. Sounds like a absorbing premise and I was glad that the cat was going too - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Dear Neville,

This looks like a very interesting premise and I promise to read more asap!

Rubi x

Dear Neville,
I have read the first three chapters and you have an enchanting tale here. I love the innocence of your writing which is often forgotten these days, with so many realistic tales of tragedy and loss in children's novels. I was a teacher librarian in a primary school for a few years and have a good sense of what works well with younger kids. I think they would like this, but I do agree with some of your comments that it does need some editing.
I didn't have chance to read all the comments, so I hope I'm not repeating anything that has already been pointed out.
I felt that you overuse dialogue tags, in places where you don't always need to identify the speaker. This book screams out to be read aloud to children, and sometimes the overuse of tags can taint the telling of the tale and slow down the pace.
One other thing I noticed was the repetition of points, as with telling us about Tommy no longer needing supports to walk, I think you mentioned this a couple of times, and I think once the point is made you don't need to tell the readers again.
You tend to use a lot of adverbs, and I've been told that editors don't like them. I think for a children's novel you can get away with using more than in another genre, but perhaps if you cut some out, it might also tighten the pace.
I am no editor so take my points as you will. As I said I think you have a strong narrative voice, that children will enjoy, and with a bit of polish you could really make this shine.
Best of luck with your writing. I will star rate and watchlist for now. Cheers Jacoba

The secret of the forest . . .
Intriguing pitch, the story enjoyable to read
Backed
Lenny Harry
(Like a dot on the horizon)

Hi Neville, A good start but I think some of your sentences were a bit long for a young audience. The description of the fireplace got a bit lost. It went from being a fireplace to being an aga. There is a difference between an open fireplace and a wood burning stove which is what you went on to describe. And I was a little confused about where in the house the fire was. Please check your grammar. Children learn from what they read and the standard of grammar in children's books these days is leading to poor writing for the future. I can't remember what I spotted first, but the sentence about the magpie jumping from one shoulder to the next would be better as one shoulder to the other, I'm sure Tommy only has two shoulders. Backed because this is a good start but you do need to work on it. Why is Tommy living with his gran?
Good luck
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man

Hi Neville,

What a wonderful walk into the imaginative world of these characters. I felt my childlike innocense returning as I read. Your characters are strong and should should appeal to children well. That said, heck, they appealed to me! LOL.

In critique, I would say that a pro edit is in order. I'm sure you are aware of that. I noticed some punctuation issues here and there, a couple of misspelled words and at times, an over usage of certain ads and pros. Again, nothing serious, as it is children's material, I realize words / phrases such as these are more commonplace when writing for children.

The structure of your two stories is good. You have a unique gift that I would think we all share a hidden desire to capture. Your imagination is wonderful!!! Absolutely wonderful. The creativity in designing and bringing these characters to life is interesting.

Best of luck sir in your efforts to bring these stories to the night stands of children all over the world. I could picture these stories being read by a third grade teacher to students in school everywhere.

Emmett
(E M Delaney)
-THE VIRUS

Coming Soon:
MIRACLE IN THE SWAMP

Hi Neville,
I remembered that I had read the story previously as I finished the first chapter. Charming and well written. Lovely characters. I have you on my WL and will move you soon to the shelf! Remind me have you backed Kali's Daughters.

My very best wishes to you reaching the ED!
Cheers
Bobbee

I think this is a very good book of its genre. You manage to create a really different kind of world in the forest with memorable characters.
I have only a few comments to add, in the spirit of the book being worth the trouble!
In chapter 1 where Tommy says 'you still can't beat a good meal in the comfort of your own home' you later have Esmerelda comment to herself that he say things that are quite quaint for a young boy. I feel it would have been better for the Granny to immediately reflect that he says things beyond his years. When I read it I felt a bit jarred and if Gran had immediately explained this it would have been easier for me to continue. As it was it stayed in my mind until Esmerelda commented on it.
In chapter 3 you have 'allowed' instead of 'aloud'.
If one is carrying a stepladder, the hand would go between two rungs not through a rung?
When someone is speaking several sentences you do not nedd quotation marks at the beginning and end of each sentence, only at the beginning and end of the speech. Similarly, when a person is speaking and then continues after 'he said, she said etc, you should continue on the same line. Otherwise the reader thinks the other person has started speaking.
There is no need for an apostrophe in 'animals' when they are looking at the Red Book for the first time.
I am not sure about the introduction of Tommy's family history at the point you include it. We have Tommy and Esmerelda in the house after the adventure of her falling down the hole and then, suddenly, we are talking about his family history. Maybe after he leaves to run to E's house, you could have the Granny thinking about all that and then he arrives at E's house. As a reader that would flow better for me. Just something to consider.
Having said all that, I think this is a promising book. I don't think, in spite of the things I have flagged up, that you should be too worried about punctuation etc as if you were to get a publishiing deal, you would get an edit and proof read. but all the same it is good to present the best possible manuscript to publishers. Good luck with it and I wish you success. Fontaine (Legacy).

Another great tale. from a master story teller. You are such a polished author with an amazing talent. Happy to back this book as I did your first one. 5 stars. Eunice. The Temple Dancer.

Great pitch. Will read on.

Neville, a fascinating book for children. Good, full characters and vivid scenarios. I do have some problems with the English at this point. I think it needs some cleaning up. It's best to stick to an active/present voice also. Instead of saying: "After all she didn't want him having a fall and making things worse." Say instead: "After all, she didn't want him to fall and make things worse." I think that reads better. What do you think? I will put you on my watchlist for now.
Sandra Sylvester

Dear Neville, I am backing this again for it stays on my WL all of the time. It's one of my favorite novels on here and I can delve into it whenever I want. Hope you do well with it.

all the best
sue

The second book? I missed the first but no matter, this stnds alone. Am I too adult? Not by a long shot. Good writing overcomes age bias. I had fun. Leila Lee A Wolf In She's Clothing

Hi Neville...so much for me waiting till the grandchildren arrive! Have read 5 chapters and only stopping for bed...this is great and imaginative, the kids should love it and adults with imagination should too. I shall be back, twice...once for me and then to read to the little ones.
All the very best in getting published.
Lizzie Scott

Not my kind of book but having said that I would certainly enjoy reading it with one of my grandchildren. We could have such fun with the characters and the voices, all of whom you bring to life so well. The writing is simple enough for a younger child, albeit a good reader, and has enough action and adventure for an older one.

Not quite Harry Potter stuff but gee, what is? And I think there is definitekly a market for your series. My only nit-picks are with some punctuation errors, as others have mentioned. I have backed you.

Marlo Forrest - "Lilywhite"

Neville because I love your book so much I have given you 6 stars and will keep it on my shelf for 24 hours. Your friend Beth Anne

THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST (COSMOS 501)
Hi Neville, There's a lovely rhythm to this and you do paint very appealing pictures in my mind. Having just chopped the first chapter of my book, I find I'm giving this advice to all the authors I'm commenting on today and yours is the same! I do wonder if you could summarise the content of chapter 1 in a paragraph of flashback starting after "...not to mention his Gran." near the beginning. It's a shame really, because ch 1 has real charm and I see Tommy and his Gran very clearly. But I think it's necessary to get straight into the action. Good luck with this. Backed with the greatest pleasure.
Best wishes, Adelina

Unique. Creative. Entertaining. A delightful fantasy. Vivid characters. Stunning descriptions. Clever dialogue. Refined narrative. Imaginative plot. Only one nit: "Come and have a look gran!" Comma after 'look.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem. Other than that, this is accomplished writing. A most satisfying read. Backed.

I have backed The Secrets of The Forest - Cosmos 501. It's a lovely story but needs a bit of an edit. I notice that Gran is spelled sometimes capitalized and sometimes not - my thought is it should always be spelled with G capitalized. Also, I notice there's too much paragraphing: "she said" should immediately follow the dialogue rather than dropped to a new paragraph.

Other than that it's a charming tale. Best Wishes,

Meg Wearing

Neville,

I will once again use the word "Nice". The word has been extensively used by many.
The fact is your writing is easy to read and to the point. This is essential to grab the attention of young readers.

Backed.
N.Lalit ( Siren )

Neville,
According to my records I reviewed your excellent book and I BACKED it with pleasure about forty five days ago.. If I have cocked things somewhere along the line, tell me where and I'll try to put it right. I loved your book and reckoned it would do quite well out there in the market pace. Pease let me know what problem I've caused

Frank James (The Contractor)

a good, well written story...an enjoyable children's adventure...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I love the flow of the dialogue between the characters. There is a natural flow here....like REAL conversation. Good work

Natasha
~ **Support Dani the Earth Angel**

I'm not sure if I have invited you to read my book "Dani the Earth Angel" but I would love for you to take a peek and comment

Thanks
Natasha
**Support Dani the Earth Angel"

typo in first line (capital H for he).

This reminds me of some of the better works I have read with my English classes. Especially Goodnight Mr Tom in the language and structure. An excellent piece for the YA audience and well worth a backing.

BACKED

Lovely for children. Nice, simple, easy flowing style. Nice story. I would take a look at some of you longer sentences. Some of them need to be shortened, or, punctuated. Others need to be turned round to make better sense and to flow. That's all.

Well done. BACKED.

Will you take a look at Out of the Cocoa, please, and comment if you have the time. If you feel it is good enough to back, I would appreciate that.

Thanks
Marilyn

There is some nice writing here, but one thing caught my eye right off.
The second sentence feels a little disjointed. “He threw the window leather into the bucket with a feeling of achievement, stepping back to take a look at his handy work.”
“…stepping back to take a look…” sounds more like the beginning of a sentence. It might read easier to say, “…and then stepped back to take a look…” He did this and then he did that.

The story has an original and intriguing premise. It’s a story I wouldn’t hesitate buying for my grandchildren.

Backed with pleasure…
Rodney Jones
The Father

The simplicity of your style and the tale itself is charming but I have to point out to you that there are fairly prominent inconsistencies, especially in punctuation and the structure of the dialogue and its reporting verb. Again I believe the text needs to be tightened a great deal more to move the story forward eg. 'Tommy jumped off the stool, threw the wet leather into a bucket and stepped back to admire his handiwork.' Other details (cottage windows etc) can be inserted later as the narrative unfolds. Once again, I think more humour would help but that's just my opinion...keep going with this as it is very appealing!
Best wishes
Stewart

Loved it! :)

Neville I read all twelve chapters and though not stuck in a tunnel I am on a cliff, but how I wish you had posted more, I ABSOLOUTLY love this series. The characters are so full of adventure and life and mystery. Once again, like in book one, I love the descriptives and imagery and I feel like I found a wonderful place full of magical secrets and answers to questuions I didn't know I had.

Tommy is a delight, and his supporting cast is just as wonderful, right down to Magpie and Saber. Backed with a HUGE grin Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart pease do let me know if you post more...

Interesting chapter Neville. I will back it but add it to my list of books for my sons!

A very nice Discovery book for the younger set; my grand children will like this plot and characters very much.

Backed for certain, by

Chuck -- Marshall Warren -- "Sunrise, Sunset" my novel is the complete opposite;
The very grown-up game of Politics, Power, Infidelity, Mother Earth and Money: Complete, 42 chapters here.

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created most memorable main characters in Tommy and Esmeralda. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your work will appeal to the youth audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

THE SECRET OF THE FOREST COSMOS 501
Neville,
Another excellent childrens book with a theme not unlike Narnia - which I and my children adored when they were younger. Beautifully written and you certianly know how to relate to the smaller readers. Well done
Faith
The Assassins Village

Dear Neville,
What a nice, leisurely story filled with charm. Your opening chapter is very well written with characters who care about each other - increasingly, a rarity! It's nice to get something of the relationship before the fantasy begins. Great job!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Hi Neville, this reads easily with an oldy-worldy charm about it. There's a little bit of editing to be done particularly around direct speech. Good luck.
Lorraine
Mannin Boy

Hi Neville. I love a story I can disappear into. I'm not a critic, just a fan of story telling. Backed.

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london (appreciate your own comments)