GFB Grown Fokes Bidniss

Grown Folks Bisnes.
It's five whole months since I last re-visited your book, even though you've graced my shelf several times since - shame on me!
Remember, I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.11. The beauty of your book is I can dive back right in the middle and take up the story, without having to take time feeling my way into it. How do you do it?
And Gerry turns the tables on BJ so cleverly, and naturally. And no holds barred either. I'd forgotten what a great writer you are, and am remembering why I've been supporting you.

Ch.12. Good ole practical Gerry trying to figure out how best to fry an egg atop a car...
'She wiggled gracelessly until she finally loosened the sweat-soaked uniform which clung relentlessly to her slender back.' What a natural, endearing, humerous detail.
And a neat way to put in a descritpion of Grandma Mae.
That retort of Gerry's: 'I didnt know the Pastor was coming.' Made me shake all over with laughter.
Your similes are spot on: 'Like the eye of a storm' Hurrican Mae quiets herself.
I cant stop now.

Ch.13. You get right to the bones of a situation in such a delightful way - Gerry's guilt.

Ch.14. Oh my, oh my. Cunning Ben, is it?

And I really must stop.

Everybody should read your book, H-C. Have you tried sending it to agents/publishers? I cant think why you're not published. Your style has a lovely veiled humour about it, and it is impeccably written.

Have you tried joining one of the reading groups in the forum? The Literary Fiction Group would probably be the best place, and it would increase your exposure on this site, so you can rise to double figures in the rankings.
Or even the Christian Crit Group, run by AudreyB who I see has already enthused over your book...

More maxi-stars, and I definitely wont wait that long before coming by again.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Love, Love, Love the descriptions. I love how you told me everything I needed to know. You are a very good writer; your word choice is perfect; the story is interesting and easy to read. 6 stars easy!! Great job!!

Absolutely stellar work on the accents. So few people get it right. I laughed out loud at "“You mean Pastor ‘nem met him." That's exactly what a Southerner would say.

I LOVE Grandma Mae. I think I met her once, and she chewed me out but good.

Comparing the mourners shuffling through their bibles to pigeons – brilliant

When the car’s wheels beat out the word A-dul-ter-er rhythym I remembered how the old roads in the South (and possibly elsewhere?) were made of big slabs of cement. They did indeed make the tires beat out a rhythym.

But doesn't someone need to call someone else Sugar?

Can't wait to read more.

Hi Hall

I like the easy flow of your writing so far. Your pitch is very, very well written and I've seen the cover on the weekly top rated many a time. Looking forward to this read.

You have some repetition in here that could be pared back a little - for example 'That was the forecast but the truth was the forecast hadn't changed for the last three days' - you could quite easily remove the second 'forecast' and keep the essence of the sentence. You also have some cliches - usually looked down on. e.g. 'signing on the dotted line'.

Aside from this I have to say, I really loved what I read so far. It's warm and balmy, your voice is utterly convincing. The dialogue is spot on too. Very, very highly starred.

Silva

Oh my goodness, I really do like this. I don’t usually read books set in the past (don’t know why) but perhaps I should, because I honestly loved every word.
I stopped by quickly with the intention of taking a brief glance but before I knew it I had read to chapter five. My favourite aspect to this book has to be how incredibly well you pull of the accents. I was thrown into the story so much I forgot I was reading a book and could have sworn I was watching a movie and hearing the characters voices as they talked. It’s almost impossible to achieve something like this in a novel without occasionally losing the readers concentration or boarding on irritating but you never cross that line. I was glued to my lap top screen as I read.

It is very easy to see why this book is so highly starred.

Janny

- GFB : Grown Fokes Bidness -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

Right, this won't take long - I have nothing to criticise. The writing here feels very much of a professional quality and has clearly been edited and smoothed out to perfection. I didn't find a sinle typo or slip in what I read. The language of the novel, using vernacluar as it does, is lyrical and immensely satisfying to the reader's 'ear'. The depiction of time and place is effortless, worked in through the characters and dialogue. And the characters themselves are lifelike and vivid. I particularly liked how we found out all we needed to know about Ben from the gossip aout him in the beauty salon. A great bit of characterisation without the character even having to be on the scene. Gerry comes across as at some midway between childhood and womanhood, despite her marriage and pretensions to the contrary, so as the reader you know she's going to have to slip up somewhere and have lofe teach her a lesson.

Excellent all in all. It shall grace my shelf as soon as I can get it there.

All the best with it,

Ross

This is a great read. Might I suggest that you combine the first two or three chapters so that you get to the action faster? I wasn't pulled in for quite a while, so combining and cutting would thrust your reader into the story more quickly. I would also go through and take out 50% of the adverbs and adjectives. I don't subscribe to the 80s philosophy of none of either, which is silly, but I did find myself almost wanting to underline them you have so many in some paragraphs.

All in all, though, a good book that made me care about Gerry. I'll rate it and book it on my list.

Karen
Her Life as She Knew It

Hall Crews,
This was a fun read from the word go. Gerry is a delightful character, from her relaxed manner sitting on Mae's rocker on the porch, to the idea that she may learn to love Johnny someday. Your writing is flawless, flows well, and the four chapters i read are worthy the six stars i'm going to sprinkle all over GFB Grown Fokes Bidness.
Best,
Maria
Dark of the Moon

This feels like a real book: it's polished, the writing flows, and if I saw it in a bookshop and picked it up, had a flick and read the prologue, I would definitely be tempted to buy it. The prologue is unusual - it's not often that yoi get a message from the narrator like that up front. I assume it's from the narrator, not the author, since you seem way too young to have been around in the 50s, although it's not 100% clear. 
Nit picks in the prologue: I wouldn't use the term 'sleeping around', since I think they would most likely have talked in euphemisms back then, and also it seems not be something a child would say. Maybe something like 'sleeping in beds they oughtn't to be sleeping in'', something like that? Also I'd delete 'as a child' from the third sentence. Just personal prefence though, feel free to ignore me!
Accents and dialects are hard to do well, but you've done a great job, and it isn't annoying as it can sometimes be. Just the 'lil' inserted as well into the narrator's voice - I like that very much. Little query: 'twixt' seems like a very formal word to be used by people in that context, but hey, you probably know your characters' voices a lot better than I do. Note on the title - I had no idea what it meant (i'm British, though) though of course it made sense aftee the prologue. I wonder thpugh if changing the title to simply 'Grown folks' business' might be better.
Chapter 1 - you paint a great picture of Gerry and her history - the details like the chair are great. i found myself getting restless and wanting a bit of action, though - a hook, or a hint of where the story was going. The backstory is good but received wisdom seems to be to save it for a bit later once we are invested in the characters and their story. Dialogue is good, and realistic. The last line of the chapter is good - kept me reading. 
I love how you show what Ben is like through the women gossiping. For me the pull of the Ben v husband thing is enough t keep me reading - I wonder if yo could somehow bring this up a little earlier so we get pulled into the story?
I chuckled at the description of her falling out of bed. 
I didn't mean to write so much but this is good writing and I want to see it do well!
The voice is just a pleasure to read, I can see myself escaping with this book to the side of pool and happily wiling away a few hours. I hope you are submitting this to agents so that I can do that one day!

This is an engaging tale with a likeable MC in Gerry. Her memories of her grandmother were heartwarming. I liked the setting, it was easy to picture Gerry as she relaxed on the porch. I can see that Gerry and Betty Jo's love of gossip may well get them into trouble. I read to the end of ch6, this is well written, with wonderful dialogue.
I'm sure this will do well.
Best of luck.
Babs

What an absorbing writing style, the juxtaposition of two fundamentally different language registers, the colloquial African American register and the well rounded precise formal English. Both registers manage to blend seamlessly, as a reader I found the combination enjoyable and easy to follow - which is something that is both hard to achieve and brave to attempt! I have only had time to read a few chapters of this book and will, when time permits, read more and leave further comments - well done! :-)

Hi H-C. I found your book to be a delicious feast. Your words painted pictures in my mind. Great atmosphere and setting - I could feel the heat out on Gerry's porch, engaging characters and superb depiction of the dialect - convincing but so easy to understand. Your writing is of a very high, publishable standard and why GFB isn't on the eds desk already is a mystery. You're sure to get there. I've highly starred you but as my shelf is full at the moment, I've asked my compadre, gacojo, to back you on my behalf. Regards, Kat x

GFB. Again, I can sit and enjoy another read of your leisurely story.

Ch.6. What a human chapter - and Gerry's cry at the end was the only solution to her dilemma.

Ch.7. Split infinitives cause pauses. And you dont need the word only, anyway, in that first paragraph.
Oh my, oh my, doesnt the devil know how to work his wicked ways. You have such a natural style of writing, a subtle humour and a cunning plot, with hooks at the end of chapters.

Ch.8. I have clicked on to the next chapter without a pause...

Ch.9. & 10. Clever, clever Gerry turning Betty-Jo's thoughts around, while cleaning at her teeth.

I have again thoroughly enjoyed reading on in your human story, where simple things happen, and ordinary problems occur. You have a way of making everything so natural, and the pages turn of their own accord.

More stars, and another turn on my shelf later on in the month.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

Hi Hall,

"Dreams getting caught on life's barbed wire fence" - Wow. I LOVE this book. You are an astonishingly good writer. Your characters are beautifully delineated and palpably believable. And you show us who they are, and their environment, with loving attention to detail, and a gorgeous use of language. I will give this six stars and back as soon as I can.

I do have some comments. I think there's an overuse of adverbs. She dangles her leg "lazily," and does something else "nonchalantly," pacing "anxiously." You tell us those things with your description - those adverbs are unnecessary. Something similar occurs with "she loved her rocking chair." and "fleeting fragrance that was gone." Often I notice writers on this site "telling not showing" but you show beautifully; telling us what you showed us is gilding the lily. And I wouldn't categorize this as romance. There may be some romance in the book, but that term applied to books connotes something else entirely, and it mischaracterizes your work.

GFB Grown Fokes Bidniss is one hell of a good story. When I saw the chick-lit tab, I was a little wary, but GFB Grown Fokes Bidniss is more like Literary Fiction than anything else. By that I mean it focuses like a laser on the characters and their development, even while presenting a story that is white hot and filled with detail.

Author Hall-Crews is a master of description. The prose in the book is perfect. It pulls readers into that unique point in time in the Deep South, when family and church were all consuming entities, and children were not really given the tools they needed to survive in the real world. It was almost not a surprise when Gerry got herself into trouble. Although I knew what the reactions of the congregation and the town probably would be, it was almost like bracing for a storm. You can do it, but it’s gonna’ hit you anyway.

It’s evident that a lot of research went into the book, another reason why I think this should be classified as Literary or even Historical fiction. Even things like the dialog and how people react is perfect. Characters all speak perfectly based on their social status, age and education. It’s just another way that Hall-Crews paints her beautiful, bittersweet world for us to explore and enjoy.

In a lot of ways, I think this is too good for chick-lit, and may not be appreciated by those who read that type of novel. I think it could do very well with the literary fiction crowd who are looking for a thought-provoking novel suitable for book club studies. It’s a fine tale that deserves to find an audience. I personally loved it.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Hall-Crews, your GFB drips heat off the pages as surely as Miss Essie's smoothing irons... Readers will be right there with Gerry, right down to her pink toenails, living life through her and wishing they were someplace else, like her. Poor John, but what's a girl to do when faced with the likes of Ben Cash? Wishing he were taller, maybe, but I think he'll live on in the minds of many ladies...

You have a style of writing that puts us right there with Gerry, and such a smooth way of giving us her background, down to the chair she loves so much - things to hold on to that we cherish. Somehow, that chair means a lot to me. Your pitch sets the premise - with one hell of a terrific end-line! I read a lot of this last night, made a whole bunch of comments - most of them glowing in the dark... And I got cut off. So I'm doing my best here... (Although I'll read some more later, when I can.) One thing I remember, if you've ever a mind for a new title, your *Brass Ring on a Carousel* hasn't left me.

Highly starred and backed a.s.a.p. for a truly gifted writer.

From Kay with love
(Waystation to Prosperity Street)

Hello Hall-Crews 'GFB Grown Fokes Bidness'

your pitch sets out the story line and whats to come very well.
you get it all in one as to life in the south in the 50s .
the prologue setting up Gerry;s childhood fear and when told not to be, as they say in irish culture 'ear-wiggin'
to grown up folks gossip. i thins most children everywhere go through this.
you have a delightful and easy flow to your writing, love the little add ons ' garden scent stolen from shrubs'
shows you have a very creative mind and shows in you writing. all of this adds to the descriptive scenario beautifully.
as i read the first three chapters i could feel the heat , this sort of thing transfers very to a film. hope yours gets that far.
the lingo or accent is great, don't let anyone advise you the change it , it makes for a different type of read.
jumped straight into chapter and further, and straight to the top of the t100 degrees of heat again as Gerry travels home in the sweltering heat. the premise for the rest of this story is great, believble and gritty.
i see great potential for this chick-lit story and i hope it does well for you 'Hall'
good luck'
agus go Neri and botair leat , slan agat
tom bye
Dublin Ireland
'from hugs to kisses'

Hall-Crews,
GFB Grown Fokes Bidniss is a very entertaining account due to its uniqueness and the narrator's youthful qualities and use of language which is refreshingly unfamiliar. I enjoyed the pace of this story and your clear descriptions. The scandalous plot outlined in your synopsis has the intrigue of a soap opera, but the innocence which Gerry exhibits in the beginning of the story makes her an endearing protagonist due to her simplicity and naivete. This is a very believable account of life in the south which introduced me to characters unlike anyone I have ever known.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

With any book I first look at the title and cover, as I'm sure most people do, particularly with fiction. I guess this is why publishers get authors to change titles - Ernest Hemingway's "A Moveable Feast", published after his death, was originally titled, amongst many other title drafts, "With Due Respect", but is widow came up with the final title, and DH Lawerence wrote a book titled "Tenderness", but it was later changed to "Lady Chatterley's Lover". Also, the marketing department take cover design very seriously as they understand the psychology of the potential reader. If the title and cover grab my attention then I'll move onto the pitch. I have to say your pitch is excellent, but I would never have got as far as reading it if I had seen the title and book cover in a bookshop, even if chick-lit/romance was my favoured genre. I'm not sure why GFB precedes Grown Fokes Bidniss, and the title needs to be first 'translated'. I'm guessing it reads Grown Folks Business, (I could well be wrong!) but before I'd have spent time working that out in the bookshop I'd be looking at another book on the shelf. Perhaps Bradley Wind, with his free cover design for Authonomy authors, can create a book cover which helps to tell your story (http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/51100/free-book-cover-/), because at the moment a picture with no title isn't really a book cover. Of course all the comments we receive and give are just a personal view, and the above is no exception, but it is given as a view which is aimed at helping. Many people on Authonomy have helped me with making my novel tighter as a result of pointing out areas they felt could be improved. As I said earlier, the pitch is excellent. I wish you luck with your book.

Clive
The Pyramid Legacy

oh by the way give my new piece "Crow Diary" a look

i read the first four entries of you piece "Grown Folks Bidniss", nice, you set the tone with the heat, i expect the languid in characters and tone, i think perhaps your use the past tense too, you do capture dialogue well, you have an ear for it and the ability to pass it on, twain like, characters are developing well, coming alive on a hot florida day,

GFB by Hall-Crews

I've been meaning to read this for a while. I like the name, Grown Fokes Bidniss ... its actually what caught my eye, so I guess that a really good choice.

Interesting short pitch and I really liked the long pitch. It gave me enough details to know what I'd be getting.

The story starts off with Gerry sitting on her porch. You immediately get a sense of the palpable heat in Tampa and experience her distress at it. A flash back apprises us of her situation. She's married to a man that she does not as yet love but hopes to grow to love having done so to get away from her grandmother. The story is told vividly and the reader gets a sense of the neighborhood, society and the environment. The characters have distinct accents that also adds an interesting dimension to them. Gerry's motivations are understandable and it would be interesting to see what happens when she has the steamy affair.
I really enjoyed the introduction of the character Ben Cash and the dialogue that flows in chapter two. I must say what I read made for a very interesting read and I look forward to reading on.

I wish you all the best with this.

Specific Observations:

Chapter One:

1. "By the time Gerry took her first whiff of the fleeting fragrance it was already gone." This statement is contradictory. Because you mention that she whiffed the fragrance yet she couldn't have as it had already gone. So you might want to change it to "Soon after Gerry took a whiff of the fleeting fragrance it was gone" or something like that.

2. Yep, she thought, He's a good lookin' black brother.
First - would her internal thoughts actually think "black brother" or just "brother?" As in, he's a good looking brother.

Another thing, when you are indicating internal thoughts there is no need to write "she thought" ... Just write everything in italics and the reader will know these are internal thoughts. So it should read: "Yep! He's a good lookin' black brother" (All in italics).

Chapter Two:

1. In your second paragraph, you mention that Gerry would be a business woman, and I can tell this is her POV but then you write that it is an unlikely feat for a southern, black woman in "those" days. This implies a narrative of past events (as in of a different era). Was this your intention? coz i thought it was reading as present day. If so, you might want to edit out "those days" and just have it read "an unlikely feat for a southern, black woman."

2. The sentence that reads, "But, until she could figure out the way to get her big ideas from being only imaginings, Gerry ... " sounds awkward. Maybe try" But, until she could figure out the way to make her big ideas a reality, Gerry ... " (or something that reads more fluidly).

Really interesting story line.
I wish you the best with this.
Kari

Had to give it six stars. I'm not one to give those out but you made me. The dialect and description had me feeling the heat of the day in the first few chapters reminding me of when I visit family in the south. The story is fast paced and will be sitting on my bookshelf.

Michel Prince
Frozen
Chrysalis

GFB Grown Fokes Bidniss by Hall-Crews is a delightful, seamless read that pops off the page like a freshly published book. Caramel colored Gerry with her pink painted toenails is the picture of leisure on the front porch, sitting in her favorite chair. As she reminisces about John who is away fighting the Korean War, Benjamin Cash comes striding by. But Ben is no ordinary man. Just a brief visit and ’his face hauntingly lingered in her mind’s eye’. Apparently, he’s quite a catch. I read seven chapters of this book before I realized I had. And I’m still reading. The dialogue is so expressive, you can ‘see’ these characters as clear as day. Betty Jo and Gerry leave the ushers room for some juicy gossip. . . (Now, why is it I can’t put this book down) . . . 8 stars, and I will squeeze those extra 2 in somehow for one of the best books on here. Very well done! Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

What a wonderful story. I was pointed to it by E M Delaney who is a friend of mine.

I loved the way you made me feel like I knew Gerry right from the start. I read a lot of Woman's Fiction as I fly constantly so books are a staple for me. I devoured this in less than an hour. I have to say though, I would love to read the rest of it when it gets published. It is a really really good story. I mean how many of us have been in similar situations in our lives when we are committed to someone but that somebody comes along that just makes us where we simply can't even breathe they are so appealing. Girl, you brought us a tale here.

You are an elequent writer. E said that your book would be one of the first ones I would want to see. He was right. He has gave me a list on my email of the ones to check out. Thanks for the quickie (lol) If you get pub'd please write down my email so I can find out how to buy a copy. (sharonsomers112@ gmail dot you know what.

I gave you six stars on the rate thing.

I read your prologue and first three chapters a couple of weeks ago. Today I read your fourth chapter.

General comments: An endearing chapter. Fascinating main character. Vivid desciptions. Atmospheric. Not much tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the fourth chapter:
1) 'That morning, when she scrambled up the steep, church steps at seven minutes after eleven, ... ' Remove the comma after 'steep.'
2) Hyphenate 'five feet four.'
3) 'The multi-tiered fat layers, which filled out her round torso, ... ' Technically, 'her' refers to 'Gerry.'
4) He continued. "I'll say, God's got a better plan, um-hmm." Comma after 'continued.'
5) ' ... and exited the ursher's room.' Usher's (singular possessive) should be ushers' (plural possessive).
6) "Nothin' happened. Ben just .... " When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more dots is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with four dots. You don't want that.

I hope this critique helps you further polish this chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a sensational day.

Al

Hi,

I just spotted your book, so I popped in to have a read and leave a comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Prologue: Interesting that your book seems to be woven from bits and pieces of gossip you overheard as a child. I can see why such half-heard secrets would hold an enduring fascination for you and spark your imagination. I can't wait to read on :)

Chapter 1: Wise words at the start. Time really is a person's most valuable and irreplaceable resource. It always bugs me when people say they're just "killing time." Sounds like they're wasting their life. Then again, we all like a bit of laziness from time to time, don't we. ;)

I like Gerry immediately. Her petulant thought that even God rested almost made me laugh aloud. She really doesn't want to do all those chores, does she? Here's a character I can sympathise with ;).

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, generally, it's best to avoid adverbs as a strong verb almost always does a better job than a verb-adverb pair. eg in “...lazily dangled..." the verb describes the action perfectly, so I think the adverb's not needed at all. I'd suggest simply “...dangled..." as the verb implies laziness/relaxation. I only ever use an adverb when there isn’t a verb that completely describes the meaning I want to convey. Increasingly, I think a large part of writing comes down to just picking verbs. ;)

Reading on... Gerry really seems to be taking her ease. She's the very picture of relaxation. I can hardly blame her after having done all those chores.

1 tiny suggestion here. Occasionally, I think some of your paragraphs feel pretty long eg as in the paragraph starting "Truth be told, the muggy..." They could make for pretty intimidating blocks of text on printed pages. Is there any way you could paragraph a bit more often to make the reading easier and quicker for thickos like me? ;)

Reading on... Great description of the rocker. I can really picture it + I feel Gerry's emotional connection to it. Good descriptions of Laurel Street too. I get the impression of a sleepy, lived-in place, sweltering in the heat. I can almost smell the sweat. Wow and it's only May. This place must become unbearably hot in summer.

I smiled at the whopping 4 bucks and a quarter price for a haircut. The words were a gentle reminder of when your story took place. Gerry's hair seems to be her pride and joy. I like the description of the beautician working on it. It almost seemed like a battle :).

She seems quite taken with Mr Mills ;). Ah but then we learn she's married. Hmmm a soldier. I wonder, is he absent? There's been no sign of the husband in this book so far. It's funny to read of how she wasn't attracted to him at 1st, knowing that the 2 got married in the end. The contradiction makes me want to read on and learn how they got together…

Looks like John was kind and persistent, and then ah... he got lucky with timing. Gerry was fed up of living with her grandma. No wonder she jumped at the chance to escape. ;)

Oh it must have been tough when John was shipped out so shortly after the marriage. Gerry must have found that new house so lonely. Sounds like the house was lovely, though. And Gerry must have been v happy when her rocker was finally installed.

I love the descriptions of the sounds of the old truck. I bet the neighbours enjoyed that! Gerry seemed overjoyed with the rocker. No, more than overjoyed. It was as if the rocker was the missing part of herself that made her complete. :)

I've a little suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more vivid if you wrote in a more direct way. eg "A quick exchange of a handshake between the two guys, and it wasn't long..." feels a little roundabout+ disconnected. I think something like "The two guys shook hands, and then ..." would be more direct and immediate. :)

Reading on... looks like John’s worried about Gerry's safety in his absence. His suggestion of a dog shows that. He really does seem a kind and decent man. By the end of the chapter, things look warm and hopeful between Gerry and John. She doesn't love him, but she's confident that will come in time. I wonder, though, will things change when he's away. Life has a knack for throwing up surprises. ;)

Uh oh… I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with plenty of flavour and character. The language you’ve used really evokes the time and the place v well. And Gerry’s a sympathetic character, whose exploits the reader should be interested in following.

I've rated your book with 6 stars, and do hope you get spotted by an agent/publisher. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

GFB -
Ch.3 (authonomy 4)
'Sunlight found a path through a sliver of space...' wonderful words in that beautiful paragraph. You sure kinow how to write. Then a piece of humour, bringing us down to earth with a delightful bump.

Ch.4. I've noticed the beginning of this chapter is divided into even blocks of paragraphs, without apparent relation to the contect. Starting each piece of dialogue on a seperate line would help. But, also, you could join up several paragraphs quite painlessly. Variation makes it easier on the reader's eye.
The plot gets interesting -

Ch. 5 - all sorts of lines are being crossed, and you leave a nice hook at the end, but I have to go....

You write well, and I am enoying dipping into your gentle book with its traces of humour, and its humanness.
Jane. (Breath of Africa)

This is well written and you manage to make your characters instantly real and attractive - in a believable human being way. The dialogue is also natural, my only problem being with the reading of it. Because I found it hard to get my tongue round, it held up my reading of the story a bit. perhaps it would get easier as I read, but it would make extended conversations hard for me to read.

It does remind me of similar voices in American based stories, rich in place and atmosphere. Really enjoying it. I've read two chapters but will read on.
Cariad
STONES.

Have this on my WL and although I have a few owed reads ahead of it I keep coming back to read the pitch...it sounds just my cup of tea. Really looking forward to clearing some time and having a good read through.

Janny ;)

I've read three chapters of GFB and absolutely love it. You easily take me into a different era, and your writing style is great. One of my favourite books ever is ' The adventures of Huck Finn ' and you writing gives me bit of that vibe but what I like most about it is that your narration is laced with a hint of humor which makes reading it more fun while at the same time painting a vivid picture through Gerry's eyes. there is nothing that really stands out to be corrected so I would only say good job and best of luck

I only read two chapters, but i think Geraldine's love life is in trouble.
Love the writing, the Protagonist's voice, and i can't wait till i have the chance to read more.
Well done! I can imagine Gerry sitting on that porch, rocking and looking at her fresh painted nails. Very real characters and all in all, a great read.
best,
Maria
"Dark of the Moon"

I read and backed your outstanding book six months ago. Now I'm back for a second look. This time I read your prologue and first three chapters.

General comments: A captivating start. An engaging main character. Vivid descriptions. Atmospheric. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) No nits.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Neither was she opposed to being as busy as a beaver.' 'Busy as a beaver' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
2) ' ... it stands to reason that Gerry had no qualms about ... ' 'Stands' should be 'stood' to keep the sentence in the past tense.
3) "How 'bout a dog?" Funny.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) No nits.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) "Oh! Sunday! I can't believe I'm late for church again. I gottuh usher today!" Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks here. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.
2) 'All ready ten fifteen ... ' Hyphenate 'ten fifteen.' There are more cases where times should be hyphenated.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Great writting and nice story. This book would make a great movie!!

I read the first five chapters of this book. This looks like an intersting read. Very realistic. I'm not from the South and I don't speak Ebonics but I could certainly relate to the stories. I used to be an usher. I bet every usher board has someone like Ms. Cochran. We used to call our Ms. Cochran Commander. Of course not to her face anyway you really have streamlined your writing for the better. You removed a lot of the extra verbage which is a positive. I would suggest changing the description of the lawyer. Too many curly haired people. Lisa

Sorry this took so long!

A couple of notes on the pitch. Particularly for the purposes of the site, it might help to break the long pitch up into two or three paragraphs, just to make it easier to read on-screen. Also, it’s my own opinion and preference (so get the grains of salt ready), but I’m not a fan of pitches talking about the book “from the outside” as the last section does. It always sounds more like something a book reviewer or other third party would write, which feels less genuine when I know it’s coming from the writer. Again, though, that may just be me. Regardless, the story itself sounds fascinating, and I think the earlier part of the pitch does all it needs to in selling it.

Prologues can be tricky. Really, I think yours is more of an “introduction” than a “prologue” in the technical sense. There’s nothing wrong with it, but I’m not sure it’s necessary. Does the reader really need this preparation beforehand? Something to think about.

Once into the first chapter, I got pulled in very easily. The writing flows along smoothly (just watch out for unnecessary commas), and you deftly handle the tricky task of writing dialect.

I’m not quite sure how I feel about the first chapter being essentially all backstory. I’m not one to say all backstory is evil and should be cut no matter what, but in this case, I did get this feeling as it went on that I was being held up from starting the “real” story. I guess that’s the danger of presenting such information in a way that’s clearly looking back, so there can be no forward momentum. On the other hand, there’s obviously some important information in there . . . maybe there are other ways to relay it? Again, just something to think about.

Hope some of this is helpful, and good luck.

Sorry for taking so long to get too GFB. I’m soo behind, but I’m so appreciative of your backing Whither.

Your pitch is fine, but I think you could punch it up a little. You’ve got some passive voice, your verbs are low key, and the sentence construction is pretty conversational. To change it up, consider using shorter sentences and conveying the story arc with short sentences and active verbs. Other than that, I’d buy your book in a store, so I’m backing it. :-)

Hi Book is on my watchlist xxx

Hmm, I like how this is presented and it has a nice feel to it. No bumps that I see and how the character is strong in what she does. I like how she tells the stranger that she's not afraid of him. That takes courage. the overall feel to it is worth a couple stars. Well done!

penny
The Glass Serpent

Ch.3. Gerry is so very right to keep on dreaming, especially when she's thinking of starting a business. The dreams are there for you to keep going, when the going gets tough. I love the picture of her facing up to the stranger. And the account of hair-straightening while the gossip passes back and forth is a great way to move the story on while filling in the gaps. I'm not usually into superlatives - but your writing gets better and better.
Maxi-starred, backed, and on my favourites list for regular rotation.
Jane. Breath of Africa.

Reading the first few chapters of your story transported me to a different time and place. The dialogue was spot on, the characters were well drawn and the story flowed beautifully. I couldn't fault it technically.
6 stars!
Wishing you lots of luck with it.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

I remember reading this before under the old system, heck I even found my old comment, but this has got a lot tighter.

I love othe way you weave the stry, casting back, remembeoring the story of how Gerry was brought up, having her dismiss it becuase shes herd it so much and how she didnt marry for love but a need to escape. It says everything about how people lived in the 1950's. Times were about necessity.

The southern dialogue is absolutely stunning and despite it not being something we hear or speak everyday, ts easy enough for us, the reader, to follow. It flavours the chapters so well, adding not only to the characters but also the period in time for the setting of this novel.

This flows along at a good speed and at no time is the reader bogged down in unecessary details that just dont belong. This really is a great read.

I skipped forward to the last few chapters and found it just as compelling, the way you talk about society and who is where in the social chain of their town, is exactly as we have been lead to believe it worked in the 50's, but we all love a gossip at the high and mighty's expense.

This is a truley comelling read. Well Done , on my shelf as soon as I can re shuffle
Clair

Hi Hall. I was only able to read your prologue this morning. It's been a long time since I've read anyone who can write in second-person. Can't tell you how many times I was told not to do it. Rest assured, I like it. It's very personal and (to me) says you're serious about what you write - and you write very well. I like how you slip in and out of just enough dialect to give the flavor of what, the old South?

Your prologue does just what it's supposed to do, it takes the reader up to the beginning of the book with enough information to know what to expect. Well done.

If you have a chance, please take a look at a chapter or two of my book, A PLACE IN LIFE, and let me know what you think. I'd really appreciate a fresh opinion.

Many thanks.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Wow. I only popped on to have a quick read, because the synopsis sounded interesting. Four chapters later and it's midnight here in England and I'm forcing myself to go to bed. I'll be reading more tomorrow. I've backed this, because I think it is absolutely wonderful. Your characters are just so real, and the writing is so atmospheric. I feel I'm right there, drawn into that world.

Rachael x

GBF. I am immediately drawn to your style of writing. Your matter of fact humour and slapstick philosophy on time and money tickles the right spot for me. (But dont use exclamation marks except in direct speech. Editors call them howlers.)
And while I'm in critical mode, would it not be better to use only one name for Gerry/Geraldine?
Ch.2. You draw her character very well, and skilfully introduce the background. I love the way you describe the arrival and departure of the purveyor of her rocking-chair.
I look forward to more and more treats, as you're going straight onto my favourites' shelf, to be rotated with the best.
Have you had time to check out Breath of Africa yet? It is not fun, like yours, but I dont think you'll be disappointed.
Jane.

a good read; effective basic writing that engages and keeps interest...and on my watchlist...
read SEASONS....

Excellent read! I'm so glad I ran across this! Dialect handled well! Your characters sing; ring true! I know these people! I've only delved so far into the first and second chapters, but this is very professionally written, with fresh, uncliched style, unique writer's voice. Opening paragraph rocks! First chapter, pulls us right into Geraldine/Gerry's world. . Second ch 2 opening, "Dreams have a way." Said so simply, yet the writing is profound.
This is immediately on the shelf, and I'll be back for more reading. Highest recommendations!

Thanks for your positive comments about my novel, GFB Grown Fokes Bidniss. The remaining chapters are going through another revision and I plan to post them one or two chapters at a time as they are completed. (Right now, I'm in the zone and have been able to post at the rate of at least one per day.) So, please feel free to put GFB on your watchlist and read the upcoming chapters as they are posted "fresh from the oven".

I can't wait for the rest. I liked the way you referred to Grandma Mae as a hurricane! Nice mix of narrative and conversation.

Thanks for your positive comments about my novel, GFB Grown Fokes Bidniss. The remaining chapters are going through another revision and I plan to post them one or two chapters at a time as they are completed. (Right now, I'm in the zone and have been able to post at the rate of at least one per day.) So, please feel free to put GFB on your watchlist and read the upcoming chapters as they are posted "fresh from the oven".

I can't wait for the rest. I liked the way you referred to Grandma Mae as a hurricane! Nice mix of narrative and conversation.

I can't wait for the rest. I liked the way you referred to Grandma Mae as a hurricane! Nice mix of narrative and conversation.