Onestra Sagas: Descendent

that's the best comment so far Laurie. thanks. I'm trying to stay in third person and I'll be printing out tha comment. I've been thinking about that spot with her father. I want to keep the first chapter tense but not to intense. well I got time I can always rewrite :)

Francine,

Wow, what an intense first chapter! I love the premise of this book. Great use of foreshadowing with the stillbirth at the beginning, it bodes of more bad things to come. Only had time for the first chapter, but will be back to read more.

This is quite good, the only thing keeping it from being exceptional is a little editing. There are a instances where there are extra unneeded words that bog down your prose. And a few point of view glitches where I was unsure of what pov you are intending. I’ve given some example below.

This is a great story!

Short pitch: Consider – As the prophesized savior of Onestra, Selena Craig must destroy her evil ancestors to save her continent.

Consider splitting and wording Sigurd's Prophecy of Eternal Night a little differently.

Born of violence this child shall be
Three figures emerge from shadows old
Vanquished by night the moon will be.

Unless defeated by this child foretold
Evil rises from ages long sleep as endless night takes hold.
The sword shall be obtained by the powers of three times three
Broker defeat and peace there will be.

You may have some better ideas, but as it was it didn’t flow well and you don’t want the reader stumbling in your pitch. You may consider taking it out of your pitch and starting your novel with it.

I would use Selena’s name in the first paragraph, and then use ‘the young woman’ in the second paragraph. Knowing her name right away will help the reader feel more for Selena and the nightmares she is plagued by.

You can take out “the dark sky” they’re just extra words. The new moon implies that the sky would be dark.

“Why couldn’t she be happy?” Is kind of a dumb question is Sharlene is dying. Maybe it would be better to say something like, why couldn’t she find some comfort or joy in the birth of the child?

“Her tone brooked no argument” Not necessary, you’re already done a perfect job of getting that idea across with your dialogue and dialogue tag.

“Alice,” she paused. “I’m sorry.” The “she paused” is unnecessary. The comma implies the pause. So “Alice, I’m sorry.”

Not sure what POV you’re intending. You seem to slip from third person to omniscient. For example we going from being in Selena’s head to “Selena’s petite build and fragility were an illusion” which is omniscient pov to back to being in Selena’s thoughts again third person pov – how the pity angered her – then back to omniscient again because Selena would not know what the neighbors saw in her eyes.

“Something wasn’t right.” Warns the reader something’s up. Delete and the phrase about the grave torn up will pack a bigger punch.

It’s unclear why she freezes. Also it’s strange that she wouldn’t make a connection between the zombie in the woods and her mother’s grave looking like someone crawled out of it. Maybe the zombie wasn’t her mother, but how could she not wonder if her mother has become a zombie too?

“apparently passed out” again, not necessary. He’s in his chair snoring, she’s smelled the stale ale – it’s obvious. When in doubt, assume the reader will understand. Otherwise they feel like they are being talked down to.

Again, the “immediately regretted it” softened the surprise of the backhand across the face. Let the reader be surprised with Selena and it will have a bigger punch.

The beating the Selena takes before she leaves seems a bit much if she is just human. It doesn’t seem like she’d be still walking with all the blows to the head and what not. You might want hold back a little on that.

Already on my shelf!

Laurie – Into The Master’s Lair

I enjoyed your story, but I was well past the half way mark of loaded chapter one before I settled in. For me this was a bit like sitting in the theatre, the play began but the curtain did not rise. I had no visual image of your setting. Cabin, house, curtains, fire....I needed a setting . And OK I did pick up hints as I went along, but it threw me out of the story because I was looking for clues.

Selena looking at the dark sky told me she was outside, she stepped back into the birthing room, so she was now indoors... but how am I suppose to know what a birthing room looks like ?

I liked closure to chapter one, I thought it quite a page turner. I hope my comment helps...

I enjoyed the read. Good luck with this.

Wilma1 - Knowing Liam Riley - I hope you enjoy it

I didn't feel description of the birth room was pertinent as it is a minor setting. There was a bed in there and a door. and the women. It was one scene and its a work in progress.

I enjoyed your story, but I was well past the half way mark of loaded chapter one before I settled in. For me this was a bit like sitting in the theatre, the play began but the curtain did not rise. I had no visual image of your setting. Cabin, house, curtains, fire....I needed a setting . And OK I did pick up hints as I went along, but it threw me out of the story because I was looking for clues.

Selena looking at the dark sky told me she was outside, she stepped back into the birthing room, so she was now indoors... but how am I suppose to know what a birthing room looks like ?

I liked closure to chapter one, I thought it quite a page turner. I hope my comment helps...

I enjoyed the read. Good luck with this.

Wilma1 - Knowing Liam Riley - I hope you enjoy it

I always find it distracting when the MC has the same name as me... but that's not your fault! There's great detail in this, and a lot of hard work has gone into it. Lots of gory description, and you've created a wonderful fantasy world. In places the prose is just a little awkward, but it's nothing too worrying - another reread will smooth it out.

Best of luck!

Selena Hallahan - 'With Teeth'

Lovely story. Great, exciting read.
best

Thank you.

Lovely story. Great, exciting read.


best

Francine-

I have really liked reading your work and found it fascinating even if I only reached 4 chapters on it. It is clear that you have put a great deal of effort into your writing, are committed to your content and serious about the development of your craft. What I like about Authonomy is that it allows writers, of all abilities, to share their work with other keen writers and readers, work that might not otherwise become published—and not necessarily for any reasons related to literary merit. I have backed your book since I felt that your efforts deserve my backing.
Best of luck with your writing.

FLETCH

Frankly speaking, the content of your story delivers far more than the promise of your pitch. Your writing is laced with excellent descriptive imagery that generates the right kind of atmosphere for such a tale to be told. There are some issues with grammar and punctuation but nothing too serious...well done!
Stewart

Thank you. I live across from an English teacher and was going to ask him to proofread when I'm done. Thanks again,
Francine

Frankly speaking, the content of your story delivers far more than the promise of your pitch. Your writing is laced with excellent descriptive imagery that generates the right kind of atmosphere for such a tale to be told. There are some issues with grammar and punctuation but nothing too serious...well done!
Stewart

quite a compeling story, the prose is beutifuly constructed.

Thank you K.Z I just uploaded chapter 7

Francine

quite a compeling story, the prose is beutifuly constructed.

brilliant fantasy. your style is perfect, narrative has good flow and your dialogue helps this story along its way- on my watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

Thank you Chantel.

Fantasy is definitely an appropriate label for this work. It has the beautiful imagery and the well chosen vocabulary one would expect from a good fantasy novel. There are still a few spots you need to tweak the punctuation, but the technical work is the easy part. Creating an enchanting tale with credible characters that demand investment from the reader is the hard part, and you seem to have that well in hand.

-Chantal

Your grammar seems alright. I watched closely for 3 paragraphs then got swept in the narrative and lost track of commas. 1st semicolon was correct, the 2nd lacked a verb after the semicolon (his face ashen). Then there were many others, most done correctly, but not all. You certainly like them. But that's not really what you want me to focus on, even though you asked.

My daughter thought the story was scary--referring to the death of the baby. "I thought it was good, but I like babies." She's 10.

I thought the death opened the tension and created immediate drama. A good thing. We both wanted to read on, but it's bed time, alas. You got a good thing going here.

Read Eat, Shoots and Leaves. It'll fix your semicolon concern.

It was good to meet you.

Thank you. I've heard that is book should be on every writer's desk. My anthropology professor even referred to it. I'm glad she liked it. Unfortunately, I think my book will have a high body count. Trying for realism in battles and raids. I appreciate your comment and suggestions. :D

Francine

Your grammar seems alright. I watched closely for 3 paragraphs then got swept in the narrative and lost track of commas. 1st semicolon was correct, the 2nd lacked a verb after the semicolon (his face ashen). Then there were many others, most done correctly, but not all. You certainly like them. But that's not really what you want me to focus on, even though you asked.

My daughter thought the story was scary--referring to the death of the baby. "I thought it was good, but I like babies." She's 10.

I thought the death opened the tension and created immediate drama. A good thing. We both wanted to read on, but it's bed time, alas. You got a good thing going here.

Read Eat, Shoots and Leaves. It'll fix your semicolon concern.

It was good to meet you.

Fantasy tends to rely of geography and physicallity more than this work. Here you seem to have put concentration into your prose that is more relevant to the literary fiction genre. I commend you on a writing talent and crafted skill that supercedes the normal.

BACKED

Thank you; I only ever had one creative writing class in college. It's still a work in progress and while geography is important, I felt that human relations make a story better. Terry Brooks said books are all about character. I like books that can tell a story about the human element without detracting from the physical or geographical elements. that's why I love Lawhead and Brooks and Cornwell. Their tales are more about character.

Fantasy tends to rely of geography and physicallity more than this work. Here you seem to have put concentration into your prose that is more relevant to the literary fiction genre. I commend you on a writing talent and crafted skill that supercedes the normal.

BACKED

Dear Francine,
Your Selena is quite a strong and talented woman. Despite all the violence in the first chapter, I felt moved to keep reading. I do think you could make a chapter break after the scene with her father. It's almost anticlimactic to keep reading after that. One would like to take a break and think about what just happened since it was so utterly dramatic. Anyway, that's my recommendation. Really nice writing!

BACKED
Elizabeh Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

You immediately embroil the reader in an emotional start whilst setting the parameters for your world. Selena is a strong main character that we quickly root for. Developing into an interesting and involving read, will come back to see how this pans out. :)
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

This has quite a strong beginning! I think you've given us something interesting that compels the reader to continue on. Selena is wonderful, the kind of strong main character we know will handle anything you throw at her. You have an imaginative storyline and it's exactly what fantasy should be, something to get lost in. Enjoyed the first three chapters before I had to stop!

Missy

Thank you Missy, I hope you can finish the next two. I'll be finished six sometime this afternoon and need to get some resumes out and a couple essays I've been researching started. I hope to publish at least four chapters a month on here. Descendent is Book one.

This has quite a strong beginning! I think you've given us something interesting that compels the reader to continue on. Selena is wonderful, the kind of strong main character we know will handle anything you throw at her. You have an imaginative storyline and it's exactly what fantasy should be, something to get lost in. Enjoyed the first three chapters before I had to stop!

Missy

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Selena. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Thank you Andrew. I'll take a look at your book and everyone elses throughtout the week. I'm happier with this version than the original. I guess outlining helped.

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Selena. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Chapter 5 is now up!

DESCENDENT
This is an interesting story. You have a good character in Selena. She’s likable and feisty. The kind of character a reader knows will be up to facing whatever problems she discovers. You’ve also done a good job fleshing out your fantasy world. It feels as if it’s real and these events are really happening. I’m happy to add this to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 3rd place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Onestra Sagas: Descendent is a delightfully imaginative story. I look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed with enthusiasm.

Dear Francine


I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. I do wish to be part of your climb to the top on this site. CONGRATS and I will comment more as I read more

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

You certainlyhave a gifted imagination an dthe talent for putting it into the written word! Easy to back this one.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Dear Francine, I got so excited when I saw that you backed my memoir book, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." I really appreciate it. :) Could you please take a moment to back my other memoir book, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" Thank you so very much. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I'll be #3 to put your book on my watchlist. :)

Dear Francine, I love Selena's tenacity & quest to save her country & whatever it takes to do it :) - would that everyone would have that drive :) - what a wonderful world this would be. :) Your pitch made me read your book & you tight dialogue & paragraphing made me keep me reading. :) Great write! Hope you'll write a lot of books. :) I've backed your book :) - hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thank you very much. :) Love, Susie :)

Thank you; chapters three and four are up and five and six by midnight tonight. I have to look for a job, but want to have at least nine chapters up by labor day if I'm lucky, however; I prefer quality to fast writing. Glad you enjoyed and yes, I'll look at your books. :D

Hello Francine.
I was looking at your introduction page, which was a good 'hook' to lead readers into reading it.
One little ppoint I noticed was that the last line you have written ''inherit'' rather than I assume you mean ''inherent''.
Anyway. I know you have only loaded the first few chapters. I have read chapters 1 and 2. A s a fiction fantesy quest, you quickly describe / set the scene of this world, and introduce us to some of the characters. In my lowly opinion, it the early descriptions of these to areas are rich and varied. This makes the reader feel at home in a new fantesy world much quicker.
Any way. I look forward to you adding a few more chapters. I like it enough to BACK it.

Could I ask if you could reciprocate and look at my childrens' book [Adventures of the Paperbats].

Many thanks. Jerry [paperbat]

Dear Francine, I love Selena's tenacity & quest to save her country & whatever it takes to do it :) - would that everyone would have that drive :) - what a wonderful world this would be. :) Your pitch made me read your book & you tight dialogue & paragraphing made me keep me reading. :) Great write! Hope you'll write a lot of books. :) I've backed your book :) - hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thank you very much. :) Love, Susie :)

ONESTRA SAGAS
Welcome to authonomy.
This is an interesting fantasy fiction book. You start off very powerfully -strong dialogue and characters. Lots of action and quite gripping. You write well and I enjoyed what I read.I shall come back and read more when you've loaded more of the ms on here. Good luck - backed with pleasure.
When you get the chance would you please take a look t my book? Thanks
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Thanks Faith(that's my daughter's name :) ) I'll be uploading chapters 5 and 6 tonight, I hope, so as I finish chapters they get added.

Francine

ONESTRA SAGAS
Welcome to authonomy.
This is an interesting fantasy fiction book. You start off very powerfully -strong dialogue and characters. Lots of action and quite gripping. You write well and I enjoyed what I read.I shall come back and read more when you've loaded more of the ms on here. Good luck - backed with pleasure.
When you get the chance would you please take a look t my book? Thanks
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE