Angel

not my usual genre, but you have a strong pitch and a tale with a good twist. well written.
j
what every woman should know

Hi Terrill,
I have just cleared all my books from Authonomy and posted a new work, Hellion 2. There are issues within this work that I am most anxious to get right. Would you please take a look and let me know if there is anything that you feel might cause offence, regarding the holocaust.

many thanks

Cyrus

Hi Terrill,
I read the first scene. Very good stuff. You are particularly good at casual, realistic dialogue, which is a rare skill. For example" "I'd rather not piss here, but it beats pissing on myself." I just said that to my wife yesterday--not kidding. I will try to read more of this because the writing is good, and you also are strong at starting in the middle of things without the throat-clearning some authors have to include before their story really gets going. Your word choice and punctuation are probably a couple of things you need to pay more attention to, because literary agents will hold that against you. A few examples:

(Not sure if the opening quote is attribted to someone or not, but I believe it should say "If you could rate ..."

When the man on the phone noticed the BMW drive up, it was a past event at the point you told us about it. Therefore, it should read: "He had watched their car pull up."

"side walk" should be one word: "sidewalk"

"camp site" should probably be one word "campsite" -- doublecheck

Put a question mark after "wants to spend his birthday on a camping trip" It is a question not a declarative statement.

Who delivered the line: "What up, Money Green?" The voice seemed to come from nowhere. Was it the clerk, another patron in the store? Probably would help just to say something like "a man by the beer shouted."

Starring you highly,
Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

Angel. I'm not sure that questions are appropriate for a short pitch, which should give a flavourof the book, and offer enticement to read further. Your long pitch is a dramatic scene from the book, and is what riased my interest, but it should contain more (and less) than that: a general overview, giving hints of emotion and the characters. But that's only my opinion, and it's your book!

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. A good attention-getting opening, in the urgency of the present tense (but it should be 'she follows up with a sigh...')

Editors love the adage 'less is more'. I think if you deleted the first sentence of the paragraph following the dialogue, and left just: 'Thomas was good at taking quick glances to learn the layout of places.' It would cut out the superfluous bit and increase the impact of your words.

Dont you mean his beard was rough?
And you've changed into past tense - did you mean to?

There are some words which are best left out, for the same reason as above, and also to improve the flow of your writing: casually, began to, always, just, even, almost.

You reveal the characters well through the dialogue. And I like the sentence 'She let out a sigh with attitude...' (But you're back in the present tense - it's a bit disconcerting for the reader).

A switch in viewpoint to Ms Nguyen 'agitating the dust particles that lie dormant across the floor'. Great words.
'She puts one hand over Devin's ear and has his other held tightly against her besom.' I can see it clearly.

But perhaps you could prune the rough dialogue a bit - to just 2-3 altercations? And if you omitted the expletives (or most of them) you'd find the strength of emotion doesnt suffer.

You know how to raise a smile, too - and creat a sense of panic and urgency.

You dont need to tell the reader more than once that the alarm went off.
It would be better if you stayed in Thomas's head throughout the hold-up scene, instead of drifting into the robber's POV at the end.

There is much quality in your writing, which races from from one scene to another. We all have to edit, and re-edit. But it's always worth it in the end.

I hope this helps, and I'd be interest to receive your reaction to my book.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Maybe it’s just me, but I think writing in the present tense comes across better in magazine or newspaper articles.

At quick glance…reads better as…A quick glance…

You’re starting off with more telling than showing. This entire paragraph…At quick glance Thomas got … in this store. Thomas was good…layout of places…is more in line with telling. While this sentence…She wore a red vest over her shirt that said Easy-Mart…is more showing. Sometimes there is a fine line between the two. I consider showing to be like looking through the lens of a camera. You see the action in front of you without the benefit of knowing more than what the camera exposes.

There was a black guy,…for a call. I think this would flow better as…There was a rugged-looking black guy with an unkempt beard standing by the payphone as if he was waiting on a call. The point is to construct the sentence in such a manner that you get the same information across without the use of commas. The guiding principle is that your sentence and paragraph structure will be guided by your personal style as well as the type of audience you are trying to reach.

Keep in mind that rhythm applies just as much to writing as it does to music. Does the sentence sound natural when spoken? How does it flow? Now take a look at this sentence and apply that principle…”Honey, did you take a look around,…in this car got on a diaper.

I may be called out for saying this, but in my opinion most novels have sentence construction mainly in past tense. That being said,…She quickly jumps out,…the back door…would become…She jumped out, slammed her door, and opened the back door.

I recommend not writing a sentence in all caps. The exclamation point(s) at the end of a normally written sentence tells the reader how the line was delivered.

Needs some work but it has potential.

I so agree wih what you have said about my book. I have started my corrections and will post them soon. I wanted to wait til after I re-write my pitches. Ithink both of them need serious attenion. But I thank you for the comment. I did read the first three chapters of yours and will comment in the next few days.

Maybe it’s just me, but I think writing in the present tense comes across better in magazine or newspaper articles.

At quick glance…reads better as…A quick glance…

You’re starting off with more telling than showing. This entire paragraph…At quick glance Thomas got … in this store. Thomas was good…layout of places…is more in line with telling. While this sentence…She wore a red vest over her shirt that said Easy-Mart…is more showing. Sometimes there is a fine line between the two. I consider showing to be like looking through the lens of a camera. You see the action in front of you without the benefit of knowing more than what the camera exposes.

There was a black guy,…for a call. I think this would flow better as…There was a rugged-looking black guy with an unkempt beard standing by the payphone as if he was waiting on a call. The point is to construct the sentence in such a manner that you get the same information across without the use of commas. The guiding principle is that your sentence and paragraph structure will be guided by your personal style as well as the type of audience you are trying to reach.

Keep in mind that rhythm applies just as much to writing as it does to music. Does the sentence sound natural when spoken? How does it flow? Now take a look at this sentence and apply that principle…”Honey, did you take a look around,…in this car got on a diaper.

I may be called out for saying this, but in my opinion most novels have sentence construction mainly in past tense. That being said,…She quickly jumps out,…the back door…would become…She jumped out, slammed her door, and opened the back door.

I recommend not writing a sentence in all caps. The exclamation point(s) at the end of a normally written sentence tells the reader how the line was delivered.

Needs some work but it has potential.

Maybe its just me, but I think writing in the present tense comes across better in magazine or newspaper articles.

At quick glance…reads better as…A quick glance…

You’re starting off with more telling than showing. This entire paragraph…At quick glance Thomas got … in this store. Thomas was good…layout of places…is more in line with telling. While this sentence…She wore a red vest over her shirt that said Easy-Mart…is more showing. Sometimes there is a fine line between the two. I consider showing to be like looking through the lens of a camera. You see the action in front of you without the benefit of knowing more than what the camera exposes.

There was a black guy,…for a call. I think this would flow better as…There was a rugged-looking black guy with an unkempt beard standing by the payphone as if he was waiting on a call. The point is to construct the sentence in such a manner that you get the same information across without the use of commas. The guiding principle is that your sentence and paragraph structure will be guided by your personal style as well as the type of audience you are trying to reach.

Keep in mind that rhythm applies just as much to writing as it does to music. Does the sentence sound natural when spoken? How does it flow? Now take a look at this sentence and apply that principle…”Honey, did you take a look around,…in this car got on a diaper.

I may be called out for saying this, but in my opinion most novels have sentence construction mainly in past tense. That being said,…She quickly jumps out,…the back door…would become…She jumped out, slammed her door, and opened the back door.

I recommend not writing a sentence in all caps. The exclamation point(s) at the end of a normally written sentence tells the reader how the line was delivered.

Needs some work but it has potential.

You jump from past tense to present tense, and there're some grammical errors, but the story is good.
Backed..

Great beginning for your story. It sets up the drama quickly. I like the family, it sounds like typical family life. I like how Thomas becomes the hero and saves his wife and son. With the cliffhanger ending of chapter one, the reader has to go to chap. 2 to see what happens next! My only recommendation is tighten in your editing, and make sure of the tense of the story.

I just knew something terrible was going to happen after the first paragraph, this is great stuff! You really drew me in, I've only ever seen neighbourhoods like that in films but I sure felt part of it all. The dialogue is crisp and entirely believable - I actually like the accented dialogue this is one of those rare times it actually works. Only read a chapter so far but I will put this on my watch list and come back to it soon. Only one small niggle - I think the robber may have cocked his pistol twice, nevertheless, a good job. well done!

regards

Cyrus

Hellion3

Well, your book has put me on a roller coaster ride! I loved the domestic family setup but could not understand the high usage of accent in the first chapter. Barring that, the story seems likeable and that is exactly the reason your book has made it to my shelf.

good action and very intense. more description would be nice, but i like this. very captivating.

good action and very intense. more description would be nice, but i like this. very captivating.

Title: Little boring, to be honest.

Cover: Echoes the same sentiment as the title for me. But maybe it looks better larger? These thumbnails don’t really let me know what honestly is going on.

Short Pitch: Questions in pitches drive me nuts. I think of this as a snappy book blurb, and I don’t want to be asked questions, I want one line that intrigues me based off of it to read on. This doesn’t intrigue me. It sounds clichéd.

Long Pitch: While here his wife and two—should be ‘there’ not ‘here’—also, what’s the point of this? Take this line out completely. It’s useless information.

Is the colour of these people’s skin relevant?

Middle-aged – should be hyphenated.

And there should be a comma: middle-aged, black man ... middle-aged, white drug addict...

Thomas notice there is...—Thomas notices...

This really is a terribly written pitch. Not helpful, I am? This doesn’t tell me what the novel is about. It tells me about a scene in the novel. That’s not what a long pitch is supposed to do. It’s supposed to be like the back of a book.

What goes on? How does this tie in with your Guardian Angel in the short pitch?

Nothing about this makes me want to read on. Unfortunately.

Also the punctuation and grammatical errors in the Long Pitch discourage me as I can only imagine they are in your MS as well. Carelessness can be avoided by a read through.

But I will, because I’m that type of girl...

Preface:

This first sentence is in present tense, but then you flip to past tense. Why? Is this tense issue going to be throughout?

“How unfortunate that the neighbourhood would have the look of one from the other side of the railroad tracks.” –

This is confusing. I don’t know what it means and the ‘other side of the railroad tracks’ is a cliché. One best not used.

Okay, so, back to flipping tenses.

The scream came against from the backseat – past tense.

The boy is persistent...—Present tense.

She followed up with a sigh as she fans herself. –past and then present in one sentence.

Thomas took a good look around...—Past tense.

He was on edge. –Past tense.

He taps on the dashboard. –present tense.

She quickly jumps out. – present tense.

Thomas turns around...—Present tense.

He protested. – past tense.

This flipping around with the tense is completely baffling to me. I’d suggest reading up on past and present tense
and rewriting your novel in one or the other. Not both.

Also, there is a bit of punctuation issues:

At a quick glance Thomas got the vibe...—At a quick glance, Thomas got the vibe...

“Besides the boy has your picky attitude Helen...—“Besides, the boy has your picky attitude, Helen...

“So we’ll all go in and me and him can find something...—“So, we’ll all go in and we can find something...

“Honey did you take a good look around...—“Honey, did you take a good look around?...

‘sidewalk’ is one word

“Oh you’re thinking about family now...” – “Oh, you’re thinking about family now...”

“Second I got a cake waiting...” – “Second, I got a cake waiting...”

These punctuation errors need to be amended to make your script clearer.

‘backseat’ is one word.

Your main focus right now is trying to focus on what tense you are writing your novel in. Past or present. An error
like this is huge and I can’t read on because it is way too confusing. There are plenty of resources on line that can teach you about tenses, break them down for you, and explain ho wto write in one or the other. My novel is first person present tense. I find by reading books and studying different writing styles online you can figure out what is allowed and not allowed. The slipping from present to past and then back again is distracting. If this is your first novel I recommend you taking the time to study some online documents.

When you reread this chapter, look at all the instances of 'was' these are indicating past tense. And then you present sentences in the same paragraph.

Another thing, this is really long. Why isn't this chapter one? Doesn't make sense to me.

Once you iron out that, I will be happy to take another look.

T.L Tyson – The Reign of Billie Blackwater

Hi Terrill,

A while back we agreed to swap reads. So sorry it's taken me so long, but I'm glad to finally have the chance to check out your story.

Nice cover, though I think there's detail there I can't really make out since it's so small. I have the feeling that the cover is much more impressive than people realize.

Short pitch: I'm of the opinion that direct questions to the reader is hackneyed, but that's just my humble opinion. I think it'd be more powerful not as a question, i.e. instead of "If you had a spiritual entity that was willing to do your bidding, would you let them?"--say, "Thomas Williams encounters a spiritual entity willing to do his bidding, but what he can't figure out is whether the entity is a Guardian Angel, or something not to be trusted.

Long pitch: "middle aged" in this context should be a hyphened word since it's modifying "black man."

"While here" should be "while there" and there should be a comma after "there"

I gotta say, while the writing is good in the long pitch, it's not really a pitch. There's way too much actual story. The pitch is supposed to be a quick grab while telling the reader what the story is about. This sounds like a condensed part of chapter narrative. Just something to keep in mind.

Preface
You start this off with a quote, but we don't know who says this? Should have a citation, even if it's a character in your story. Just my opinion.

I feel like--while the description is OK--there's a lot more opportunity to amp that up. When you talk about the neighborhood being on the other side of the tracks...how do you mean? What is the narrator seeing? Graffiti art? Describe it. Litter? Describe it? How does it smell? Is the sidewalk unmaintained? Buildings? THe scene is such a good one, but I think it could be even better with polish and more imagery.

"Honey did you take a good look around, I'd rather not piss here, but it beats pissing on myself, you know not everyone in this car got on a diaper."
This is three sentences pushed into one. Break it up.

"two year-old" should be "two-year-old"

"light skinned black woman" should be "light-skinned." The hyphen is for when you precede what you're modifying. For instance, "light-skinned black woman" works, as does "the black woman was light skinned." Make sense?

I love your writing voice. The dialogue is very good, too.
The writing, however, needs to be cleaned up. I found a lot more grammatical errors, especially on the punctuation side, and some tense inconsistencies. You also might consider going back and finding spots where you can beef up the description.
That said, LOTS of potential here. You set up a good scene and it's definitely worth the read.

Hope these suggestions helped. Good luck!
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on my story if you get the chance.

Thanks and all the best,
Phil - Deshay of the Woods

Hi Terrill

Your pitch feels like it’s giving away too much of the story line and doesn’t really have a hook. Ideally, you want it to make the reader want to read on. Personally, I think this could be stripped way back. Identify your characters but without so much of the scene setting. So Thomas and his family are en-route to a camping trip and stop off for a break. At the same time, Kyle has decided that to make ends meet/get his next fix/whatever, he’s going to rob the store. Hint at what happens next in the story. The conflicts. Is there a siege that lasts for hours, forcing the both of them to go through some kind of character building turmoil? At the moment I have no idea. I’m also questioning why you’ve told us they’re black and white. I’m guessing there’s some racial divisions in the town they’ve stopped maybe, or perhaps they’re both even racist towards each other. Also, there’s no mention about the guardian angel. Where does it come into the story? This is only my opinion, but you really need your pitch to shine and entice and at the moment I have no idea what this story is actually about.

Preface

You have a comma you don’t need after ‘sedan’. Usually they’re there to indicate a pause, you don’t need one here.

So, they are on the wrong side of town. Use that in the pitch, draw me in by telling me they’re going to find themselves in trouble instead of laying out the robbery.

‘The complaint came from the passengers seat. She followed up with a sigh.’ If you’re going to do this, you need to say the complain came from the woman in the passengers seat, otherwise it sounds like the seat itself is talking...which I’m sure it’s not.

You have some repetition with the ‘good look around’. Instead of the second one, maybe use something like, ‘Have you seen this place?...’ The rest of that sentence also feels off for me. If you read the dialogue out to yourself, like a play, you should see what I mean. It doesn’t feel natural, like it would sound if it were spoke. Also, you don’t need to tell us he’s on edge, you’ve shown us that he is by his obvious disdain at the place around him.

Which draws me to my first conflict. Are they pulling up to get petrol as well? Because if this place was so bad that he wouldn’t really want to go in, could he not just stop at the side of the road? If he’s not the kind of guy to do this then that’s fine, but you need to think about the readers reaction. If it were me in his position, I’d just wait until the next place came along, but if it was that he really needed to pee AND the petrol light was on then he has no choice but to go in. This also provides internal conflict later on. Maybe while the gunman appears he’s thinking, ‘shit, I should have listened to Helen and filled up before we left.’ – that kind of thing.

Repetition of the word ‘store’ too.

So he’s good for taking quick glances to learn the layout of places. Why? Is it related to his job? Ex-military? If you don’t expand on it then it’s kind of a redundant statement to make.

‘The entire scenery’ – scene.

‘breathe’ – breath (as in, talking under it)

So far, this is very heavy on dialogue when they’re in the store which is fine, but I’m not being drawn into the place around them. It feels like background noise which could be cut down I think.

Since you’ve split your pitch to read from both Thomas and Kyle’s POV, have you considered having an introduction to Kyle in the same way you did for Thomas? So after Thomas and Helen walk into the store, what’s Kyle doing? A chapter showing us what he’s like, is he walking to the store, jittery and thinking about his next fix, fingering the gun in his pocket. If you’re not wanting to involve him that much then I’d suggest removing the reference to him from the pitch as it feels like you’re aiming to have dual POV’s and if so, you might want to think about bringing that in closer to the beginning than you have.

Silva

i really have gotten into the story of this. the language used and the descriptions are all really eloquent, gritty and true-life-y. it a masterpiece (although there are quite a few typos which distract)
jen

Thx the comment. I am in the process of editing Angel chapter by chapter. To be perfectly honest, I hate editing. In my mind, I know what it is suppose to say, but the words just are not there on the page. But I must get into the habit of doing it. Thx again for your support and comments.

i really have gotten into the story of this. the language used and the descriptions are all really eloquent, gritty and true-life-y. it a masterpiece (although there are quite a few typos which distract)
jen

The plot here is solid. Yes, the afterlife story has been done plenty of times before, but you have enough wrinkles here where I can see it working. You are very good at writing authentic sounding dialog. Still, there are some things you need to work on.

You switch between present tense and past tense verbs – sometimes even in the same sentence. The novel needs to be in present tense or past tense. It can’t be in both. Most novels are in past tense.

Instead of having Thomas say that it looks like an average inner city store, just describe the store in the narrative. Don’t assume that the reader knows what the average inner city store looks like.

Get inside Thomas' head more to show is fear and concern during the dramatic events.

You’re writing in all caps too much. It’s one of those things that’s only good when it’s used rarely, not all the time.

There's good action here so I'll back it. Read up on novels with similar themes and keep improving.

Best regards,

Brian Bandell
Mute

Hello Terril-
book -Angel-

read three chapters posted and enjoyed this thriller right from the off.
And thriller it is, the frantic happenings in the shop is like an opening scene from a film
so gripping and realistic.
will read more and will watch-list .
look forward to Thomas meeting his guardian angel and is it a visit to heaven at some stage ?
good luck Terril-
tom bye
from hugs to kisses'
oblige and read mine, it's a true story, chapter 16 i go to heaven !!!!

Hello Terril-
book -Angel-

read three chapters posted and enjoyed this thriller right from the off.
And thriller it is, the frantic happenings in the shop is like an opening scene from a film
so gripping and realistic.
will read more and will watch-list .
look forward to Thomas meeting his guardian angel and is it a visit to heaven at some stage ?
good luck Terril-
tom bye
from hugs to kisses'
oblige and read mine, it's a true story, chapter 16 i go to heaven !!!!

Wow! Great descriptions! Felt I was in the store with everyone. Also like how you put dialects in the characters' voices. Lot's of action! And also like how you begin your story with a question. Very engaging. Great job.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

This book definitely has potential. I like the direct and honest dialogue between the characters. It definitely sounds and feels realistic as you work your way through the different conversations. The descriptions and settings are very clear. The writing technique is top notch. Good job, and good luck.

Finished reading what you have submitted and it's a very interesting premise. Some issues with mechanics and punctuation but nothing an edit wouldn't fix. Besides I have my own mechanical errors as well.

I started one of my own stories with the nadir of my MC and it's interesting as you are tasked with creating an uphill climb for the said protagonist for the remainder of the novel.

I have tremendous respect for writers courageous enough to venture out into the metaphysical and in your writing you do fairly well in your written manifestation of the Void, or Purgatory. I salute you on that big dog.

The loiterers at the store are a nice touch in the store scenario. Keep your dialogue fluid. Writing in present tense can be tricky so don't let yourself slip during the course of your sentences. It was funny how the Oriental lady kept getting fly at the mouth.

I noticed in the second part of chapter two when Jason is on his way to meet Chief Ryals you have quite a few personal pronoun starts and telling you from criticism I've experienced, editors and the like feel this can take away from your narrative. Some view it as a lazy manner of writing, which is true to some extent. You don't do it a lot, and that's great but it's something to look out for.

That's about it though, edit as much as possible before the page count starts growing on you and feel free to pop me a message when you upload more chapters. I'll gladly offer my opinions. Wish you godspeed buddy.

Shaun

Terrill,
"Angel" is a gritty, in-your-face type of book one does not easily put down or forget. The realism of your scenes while they intersperse with the out-of-this-world after-death sequence, got me truly engaged in your characters, their feelings and thoughts. Your descriptives and use of vernacular put me right where the action was taking place even when things got surreal and Thomas returned as a ghost to haunt his killer. Thank you so much for the compelling read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

well written piece- effective narrative- descriptive and thrilling...horror
l have backed...6 stars...
read SEASONS...

well written piece- effective narrative- descriptive and thrilling...horror
l have backed...6 stars...
read SEASONS...

Terrill
I like the idea of concept of your book but I feel that your actual writing is not flowing the way it should. I like short sharp sentences, but I feel there are too many, one after another which makes it a stuttering read, if you know what I mean. The preface as you call it is especially like that.

In chapter one you also change from present tense to past tense on a regular basis eg From the darkness a hand grabs at his leg and whispered to Thomas. That should be whispers.
I have your book on my WL, so I will keep an eye on it.
Cheers
Willie

Dear Terrill,

I have little experience in writing and "Destined to Triumph" is my first shot at it, but authonomists have applauded it more or less a lot. I find your story in the long pitch is not flow within well. To me it appears that the sentences in your pitch more or less come out like billeted points.

In the long pitch, you leave in the at a convenience store and from there I how connect to those other places only to come and meet at the store.

I will read on - the main story.

Julius B.