The Wanderer and the Hill

Hey Warren, interesting story telling. Placing yours on my WL, will read this weekend.

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

The Wanderer and the hill.

[return backing ☼☼☼☼☼ shelved 21/11]

This has the right tone for your audience. Your explanation of Max’s family circumstances was a bit confusing at first. “Mum and Roger” doesn’t explain first time out who (or even what) Roger is. And just who is Simone? But you have a nice set-up, the wild children and the missing boys and girls. That would get your reader’s attention. Aha, so Simone is Max’s Mum. I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t gone on to chapter two. However, grumbles aside, chapter two is fantastic. Max has slipped, no doubt just like all the other children, into a parallel world. He might be more frightened, however. And, yup, he should have been frightened. Chapter three is even better! Now Max has a magic sword and is being chased by a horde of bloodthirsty monsters! Fantastic. I’m bailing out here. Well done. On my list to back. Thanks for your backing of bokassa.

Saw you book on my WL and realised it was sitting at number 666 on the chart so though'd I'd better read it! Luckily it was a great read so I will back it hopefully sending you up a place or two - phew! Clare

I think this has promise and I back it. Just one comment Chapt 1- in Americanees we wouldn't say "You look happy playing with yourself", we'd say "playing by yourself."

This has a charm that is not saccharine sweet, there is a darkness underneath that threatens from the very start. A child caught in silent misery, from a family that has been torn apart, who then finds himself thrown into a world of adventure and well and truly out of his depth. I found this a great read.

A few very minor points for consideration which in no way detracted from my enjoyment:

Chapter 2: Max has only just arrived at his new home, I wouldn’t expect him to know the geography of the area so well, so: ’Max thought he knew where he was. The contours of the valley ... seemed familiar’ doesn’t seem right.

The pitch indicates Anglo Saxon, so castles and magnificent steeds speak of high medieval which was a bit of a jolt Chapter 2/3 for me at least.

Chapter 3: perhaps cut: ‘Max had no idea how he knew it was a horse .... a less fathomable mystery’? The insight into why the boy is thinking as he does in language he would never use does not work for me.

The number of sentences before Max decides to run at the end of chapter 3 weakens the sense of urgency.

Perhaps Max could wonder what the wild boys meant about archaic language of the villages, because I as a reader did - the villages language didn’t seem at all archaic. Though later on we learn about Max’s talent which probably explains it, but that isn’t until chapter 11.

Sylphs are usually spirits of the air (like Arial in the Tempest) rather than elves.

A few Americanism when the story is set in England grate a little: Sneakers, Station Wagon, Chipmunk, Pants.

When Max wraps the sword in chapter 5 in his jacket, I didn’t remember you mentioning how he was dressed before, so I hadn’t imagined a jacket (I might be wrong, I have been reading over a couple of nights, which isn’t ideal!)

But this is all minor stuff, it is a great plot that really bowls along, particularly after we meet the smith Brihtwolf and the dwarf.

Best of luck,
Stephen Lucek.

Hi Warren

There's some vocabulary that doesn't feel quite right for a 12 year old Brit - eg should be "trousers" instead of "pants", "estate car" instead of "stationwagon" (although no-one really seems to have stationwagons any more, they all have 4WDs), "pop" instead of "soda". Apart from that, I think this is fantastic. I love the sense of unease in the first chapter and the way he finds himself in the Vale, and the world of the Vale, shades of the Hobbit and Peter Pan and Beowulf. Great stuff. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

some lovely wording here. And it is just the kind of book a young teenager will enjoy. the story line is good and some of your passages paint a real and vivid picture - well done. You introduce the description of Max and the mystery of the missing children at just the right time. and there is always something very sinister about an empty playground.
However a little bit about your writingskills. taking the first paragraph as an example. I feel sentence one is clumsy and doesn't flow smoothly. concider tr-wording. 'Max pushed the bike up past the last few houses in the street, and catching a glimpse of the treetops on the hill to the right, regained his bearings.' Does that sound better? I can't quite visualise what 'a hill a few streets over to the right' would be, but if it's neccessary to leave it in, then do so. the next couple of sentences are wonderfully evocative. great descriptions. I query, though the word 'slipped' when refering to a bike ride. I had a feeling of it falling down a hole. Even the word 'sailed' might be better.
In the second paragraph you use the word 'glimpsed' again. Don't get too fond of using one particular word. I would use 'had seen'
Your dialogue is good and your story line excellent. keep going! good luck

Some incredibly descriptive writing here - "daylight...fell betwen the leaves like a web of colours...". You invoke pity ("unnoticed .. one small life was cut short") with out risking the maudlin approach which would alienate your target readership.
I've got only one point to raise and it's probably peculiar to a UK readership "There's trouble at the tower", unfortunately the majority of my countrymen would finish this as 'trouble at t'mill' - ancient TV progs. still influence us without our noticing.
Backed without hesitation
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Some valuable feedback. Thanks. One never knows how far to keep messing with a manuscript.

Really intriguing Synopsis, I'd be happy to exchange reads/backing if you are game?

The Wanderer and the Hill - Young Adult - I am never sure exactly what young adult means but if it means boys, in this instance, of between eight and twelve nothing goes down better than derring do. In the first chapter we learn about Max, his situation and how he feels about it. Better yet there is the mystery of many missing children.
The problem for me is the writing is stiff and seems forced. For example in chapter 3: 'Max had no idea how he knew it was a horse, apart from the castle disposing him to the medieval.'
Your short and long pitches are good, the words flow and you very obviously have a great story to tell with an intriguing cast of characters waiting in the wings. What young person wouldn't want to read it?
Relax your style, find your voice, tell your story without the embellishments that have been used. They add nothing to it.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Great opening chapter. We know what our young hero Max wants, interest in his life again to distract him from home life. The reader wants to find out about the lost boys, and why they disappear from the playground. He's quite likeable, although maybe his thoughts should be a lttle more simple for his age.

I'll back your book and know it will be well-received by tweens.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Dear Warren Hately,

You’ve captured Anglo-Saxon Britain and the modern world of any young suburban boy who is caught up in the crossfire of his battling parents. Max brings to mind old friend Heathcliff. He’d rather be The Wanderer and (out on) the Hill (on the moors) with the rise and fall of the wind running free. An extraordinary world far from home awaits our young lad: a silvery-grey castle and black stallion. Go, Max, Heathcliff, go! Get away from the pizza and dvds and take out food and the parents’ partners and all that and escape into your grand adventure. I’m backing you, Max, and riding on that stallion, too.

Criticism? I don't have any criticism. There are plenty of others on site good at it though. I just like getting lost in the story.

Mr. Hately, please take a look at the table of contents on my “me” page of CBGB Was My High School. I don’t expect anyone to read more than a few pages, paragraphs, but I would appreciate some support.

Thanks and all best wishes.

GK Stritch

Warren, good story. I would have loved it when I was twelve. I'm sure it will appeal to all the boys who are waiting and striving to be heroes, in their uncertain futures. Backed.

Chuck -- Marshall Warren -- "Sunrise, Sunset," my novel sports a very grown up hero; a today's modern tale of Politics, Power, Sex, Mother Earth and Money. 42 chapts. shown here

Hi Warren, You've established a grim mood from the first; the description of suburbia was very nicely done. I was a bit confused about the foursome arguing in the second paragraph, "their new partners", yet it enticed and I was glad you explained the relationships soon in the second chapter. His mother's name, Simone, sort of jumped in, but again, that became clear. Her asking if his birthday was "OK" seemed almost too understated.
It's ominous, the boys missing, and Max's intrepid desire to explore. The castle in the forest seemed to explain but then Chapter 4 was pretty dangerous after that lure. Good balance between Max's emotional issues and these environments, the description falling into action. That would keep the age level reading too. I found it all very involving while the fighting in the fantasy realm had a strong parallel to the concealed conflicts in suburbia. Easily shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Everybody seems to want you to start in the middle of the action and then reveal the rest in flashback so it was quite a relief to be able to meet Max naturally and understand his problems before his losing himself on the hill. So well drawn characters then and an intriguing premise. The story flowed naturally, as did the dialogue, although I felt we could have done with a little more dialogue and his conversations with the various strange people, creatures, etc that he met seemed to be underexploited. Surely he wouldn't have said to the sylphs Do you come here often- an old music hall joke? These are minor caveats, however. A well told story Backed Jaye Hill

The Wanderer and the Hill
Hi Warren, you said you wanted some constructive comments so I hope you will view these i the spirit in which they are offered, as a way to make your excellent book even better. I did like the story and have backed it. I think it will appeal to young people although maybe children rather than young adults, but I know how difficult it is to categorize books. I haven't the faintest idea where mine belong! I read up to chapter 4 and have a few comments to make. Ignore them if you wish. Chapter 1 - not sure ghosts hang around in packs, very first line. As no-one really knows what sort of noise ghosts make maybe a better similie would be the wind howling like a pack of wolves. Also, I don't know anyone who keeps budgies in glass bowls. Goldfish in bowls, budgies in cages (maybe even a gilded cage), one or the other. Chapter 2. (and 4) Would Max really be up and out before dawn? Might just be me as I am not an early riser. Chapter 3, a couple of words seem to be missing at the end of the first paragraph, it doesn't make sense as it stands. Also, I was a bit unsure of the phrase ' silent, subterranean terror.' I know what you are aiming for but am not sure this works. Maybe a simple 'silent terror' would suffice. Adjectives don't have to come in pairs. Finally, as I didn't read any further, at the end of chapter 4 after Max had received the sword there is a sentence 'Just run. Max,' he snapped angrily. Who snapped? The warrior? Is there any point in the story where Max wonders how the warrior knew his name? (As I said I haven't read any further so it might all be revealed in the next chapter) If not, maybe Max should wonder about this, or is it Max thinking this to himself, or should it simply be 'Just run, lad.' ? Hope these comments have been useful. Good luck, I hope you do well.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man
Shattered Dreams

A dark and gripping piece of fantasy, redolent with menace and the atmosphere of Dark Age Legend. I long to know how the story proceeds.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

A well constructed and well told story. I look forward to reading more.

Bill Long
Timecrack

My 14-year-old student, Adam, is going to comment on your story. I'm backing on his recommendation.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

I love this book. I just want to keep on reading and reading, you've done an amazing job. The book holds my attention at every single moment, even in the beginning, you do an amazing job of setting up the story and foreshadowing. I can't wait for you to write more, if this book gets published, I will definitely buy it.
Adam

Warren, strong writing. you get us into M's head immediately - and an interesting head it is, even for adult readers.
on my shelf.
no major quibbles. clean prose.
a really minor thought: i wasn't sure if "the gods of suburbia had thrown a switch" fit w M's POV. seemed a bit too "adult" for him.

best wishes, andy

ps: semiotics in margaret river. great. and i thought it was all surf and wine ;)

Brilliant work Warren,
Backed on the strength of your synopsis and wishing you much luck and success..... I will also return with further comments once I have read more of the story.
Helen
The Last Dream

Ah! Here is some YA Fantasy that can be enjoyed by adults, as well. The writing is exceptional.

The very best to you...
Rodney Jones
The Father

Hi Warren,

BTW- I lived for three glorious years in Perth. I was quikly taken back to a lovely time in WA!

The book is very well written, with the story proceeding at a good pace. Main character is likable. I love how he explores; put me in mind of the way kids played outdoors long ago, using our imagination, inventing adventures well into the evening dusk and occasionally after dark, like your "wild boys". I look forward to reading the complete book.
Happily shelved.

Cheers
Good luck on the Editors Desk
Bobbee
Kali's Daughters

Hi Warren,
I like the way you use language here - some nice images and it flows. Max seemed quite aware about his parents' motivations and relationships for 12 but maybe kids are these days. I slightly skipped some of the description in Ch 2 but the change to the other world works really well.
Lucy

Hi Warren ...

This is an unusual story that should suit the YA audience. The tension builds slowly on a kind of subplot before we get to the main story. Max is a strong main character and dialogue is believable. The story flows well and is a pleasure to read. 'Backed'. Regards ... Duncan.

You have an interesting story line that is well written.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

Warren, I think Ya will find your tale will peek their imagination. I love the subtle realities you slip in(ie. How children don't play outside or excercise and everything is the computer). I enjoy your main characters voice perfect attitude for a kid of his age going thrrough a divorced family.

Confused, lonely, and puzzeled by adults behavior. Your imagery is wonderful, the way you describe his skates and how they always end up back from the trash.( I had a pair off green army pants that my mom and I played that game with.)

I would say at spots the words seemed a little large for Ya like "circumvent" not a vocabulary choice for a typical 12 yr. old but it's minor ( maybe you could replace it with "overcome" or something more age appropriate). I think this is enchanting and mysterious and well suited I believe it will be well liked... I know I am enjoying it. I look foward to his building a relationship with his football pal. Backed with pleasure Ptricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart.

I read 6 chapters but I will keep on watch list to read the rest. health has me a bit behind

Enjoyed the quiet sarcasm of Max's thoughts. I would hazard a guess you may have been in such a situation IRL. Nothing shows itself better on paper than a fictional story whose characters hold an edge of truth within the personalities. Very nice.. kudos
Phoenix_Trace

I love the slow build up. It sets a good opening for the book to get magically entwined. Your writing is good and flows well. Great story here.

backed with pleasure

all the best
Sue
Fate's Chastening

I think the writing here sis of a very high quality. The story flows well, although the pace is quite slow at first.

I'm not entirely sure about ht eov, sometimes it feels older than Max, although it does feel very much like it's his story. Like th ebudgie in a glass jar, is that what he would say if asked how he felt? I jhave no idea obviously, and he may have good reaon to think in those terms, just felt a bit odd.

The initial stuff with his family situation felt a bit long (or at least slow) and the set up felt quite flat. You describe his situation and his new location very well, but in quite a direct way. Not much actually happens in the first three chapters until he crosses over.

I understand your establishing his rather mundane life and his general mood is quite surly, and I'm sure it will provide a contrast with what happens later, but I found it very tempting to just skip forward over that stuff. I know the sort of thing you were trying to get across but it wasn't specific or unusual or dramatic or amusing enough for me to want to immerse myself in it.

I'm being very nitpicky though. overall it's a very well written piece. Happy to back.

THE WANDERER AND THE HILL
Warren Hately

I really like the way you have handled the transition from present to past and then the reaction of Max to what has happened to him. It is not rushed, but handled as it might actually have occured. Your world building in the past is excellent as is your characterization of the different races that Max encounters.

After reading all ten chapters, I have come to care for Max and his two companions. I would very much like to read more of this adventure.

Backing your book convinced that you are a gifted writer of this genre. Thank you for the opportunity to share this story.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

a great idea. this is facinating. and allowing the young boy to discover this things is great; on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Great start. I only had a few nitpicks, see below. I really enjoyed reading the first two chapters.

Comments:
It took me a second to realize that when you said 'come back to his coffin' you meant the house. Or do you mean that Max dislikes him so much, he thinks him a vampire sucking the life out of him? This would probably be more clear if you added a statement making the point of how bad it is. At this point, we get the feeling that Max doesn't like him, but it isn't enough to necessity the metaphor of the house being a coffin. I really like your choice of words here though, and so hope you don't get rid of the metaphor, just lead up to it better.

I understand the need for character and setting development, which you do quite well. I noticed that there are hints at the magic world to come, but I didn't find a good hook. Your hints might be a bit too subtle and need something more, at least by the end of chapter two. The wild kids are a great start here. Maybe if there is another rumor, more than just 'its dangerous', that would peak readers' interest and keep them reading. Maybe a more detailed story than the kids just going missing.

Chapter 1:
Paragraph 6: The final sentence is too long. The reader loses track of the first part of the sentence. Break it up.

Paragraph 8: ‘Dawdled’ doesn’t seem to be the word your looking for if you mean he slowly walked down the stairs since his arm is on the banister. Try a different word, like ‘meandered’ or something similar.

Chapter 2:
‘made the shonky disk’ – I don’t believe shonky is a word.

Just some food for thought. Hope it helps. Backed with pleasure.

Weston Kincade
Invisible Dawn

Loved your pitch - it pulled me right in. I don't know why everyone seems to think YA books need to start with an action scene. Our children are not all mindless adrenaline junkies. This is a great intro scene, setting the stage for the story, introducing the protagonist and his current circumstances and a preparation for launch into the body of the tale. I know my daughter would like this. One of Tolkien's rejection letters told him to start the hobbit with an action scene - start with the trolls, it said. Talk about how that would have destroyed a magical book. A good lead in is important, even if some folks may try to convince you otherwise.

PS - I only found 1 chapter, so perhaps you are editing the others.

A pleasant start, with one of the classic children's story beginnings, a new home and strange places. A few phrases (as noted previously by others) struck me as slightly more adult and world-aware than Max's own age of thought: eg, "The hill was probably nothing more than an old park neglected by the council, but...". That sentence would strike home more cleanly if you left it as, "Max resolved at once to explore it as soon as he could." These things aside, which are easily pruned out if you read with critical eyes, the start is promising, without annoying SpaG issues, and I'll watch list it and read more.

...like a budgie in a glass jar = why a jar?
Para 5 line 4 always...always...
...light...streaming in like a counterfeit = ?
A glimmer of light in one para is followed by a stream of light in the next = inconsistent?
...had to be back in his coffin = how does this metaphor work here?
These are what I was referring to not mechanical problems...hope they're helpful.
Cheers
Stewart

Suitably pitched for the younger reader with the focus on the young boy and his issues over his parents divorce etc. Well written but there are some language matters to be sorted out.
Good luck
Stewart

Suitably pitched for the younger reader with the focus on the young boy and his issues over his parents divorce etc. Well written but there are some language matters to be sorted out.
Good luck
Stewart

Well, I've read five chapters - all I had time for tonight. Very well done, indeed. An enchanting and intriguing story - one I want to finish. Keep writing!

Your prose is poetic. The descriptions are melodic. Nice.

Patricia West Hays
The Witness Tree

If you have time, I would appreciate your giving a brief look at my book. Thanks.

Dear Warren,
What a sad opening! One feels so badly for poor Max living in a home without attention even on his birthday. I love your phrasing, so poetic, for example "day was fading beyond the walls of the house" "dusty, loose laced skate shoes" - just beautiful wording!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

A very gripping tale that had my attention almost immediately. Great characters and vivid imagery, make this a tantalising read. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Once the fantasy started, it grabbed me and kept me riveted. Colorful, credible characters with emotional depth. Sparkling dialogue. Confident narrative. Awesome world building. Vital writing. Backed.

liked the Glasto avatar and the book is good as well :-)

The prose is excellent, but the description of the weather and scenery outside somehow pull the work down. (It’s beautiful, yes, paints a vivid picture; however, it doesn’t help the story along. I’ve been advised by a professional that these days one shouldn’t opening a novel with the weather and or scenic descriptions unless if I want to put off agents and editors. You want to grab readers with your characters and their stories, not with how lovely the weather or scene is.)

The second chapter is superb…

Max is adorable…well done.

Warren,

G'day. You asked:

[is the] introduction too slow . . . whether the story should jump to the action sooner or whether the backgrounding is sufficiently interesting to keep at the start

First a couple of observations on the pitch, you might care to consider:

--in the short version you have '12-year-old', most style guides will advise 'twelve year-old';

--in the opening sentence of the long version you have both 'dark ages' and 'Anglo-Saxon', I think one or the other can go (Anglo-Saxon is more specific, so would probably be the one I'd keep);

--I wonder if 'woodland spirit' should be hypenated;

--and perhaps there should be a comma after 'self-styled'; and

--finally, I'm not sure about the use of the elipse in the final paragraph, I'd be tempted to replace it with a full stop, starting a new sentence with 'And then . . .'.

Anyway, into the work proper and that introduction.

Immediately I'm in too minds: if this was adult literary fiction, I'd say the opening was fine. You are blending the background with action and there's strong use of pathetic fallacy. For YA, though, I wonder if it isn't too slow.

There are also features of the writing that, for me, slow the pace and distance the reader from the scene:

--uses of passive structure, such as in the opening sentence, which could be recast:

The wind howled like a pack of ghosts as Max climbed the [the carpeted] stairs and saw his new room for the first time.

--there are also a number of abstract verbs, again distancing the raeder from Max's experience, for example the second sentence, for me would be stronger if the first two words were omitted:

[He knew] It was the best room in the house.

--similarly, sensing verbs, which filter the reader's experience of what is happening, so in the thrid paragraph, you might consider:

Max [felt much the same. He thought he] would rather be outside . . .

One off issue, but in the next paragraph 'always' occurs twice in succesive sentences.

Oh, and in the first line of dialogue, I think the punctuation should be:

'Hi, Mum.'

that's to say a comma before the direct address and a capital for mum (used here as substitute for a name).

Reading on and it's until halfway into chapter two that action really begins.

Back to the initial mixed thoughts I had. I like the writing. Your description is powerful and the dialogue is natural.

On balance, though, it does seem to me that this does perhaps start too slowly for YA (again, were it lit-fic my answer might change).

Hope that's of assistance.

Oh, and backed.

You've got an obvious talent for writing. Max is your typical 12 year old boy that we see on a daily basis. You've done well in turning him into a character. His mind is not too wise or not too weak for his age. Great job in unraveling him. He's ideal!

Warren -

The Wanderer and the Hill - Some birthday. But there's the Hill, and the spire, something to explore. You respect your young readers with equisite writing. And by the end of chapter three I would have loved to read on. But it's very late where I am. So I'll return tomorrow. Check the end of the first paragraph in chapter 2.

Backed with pleasure, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Hi Warren, Its a great story for young people. well written, very descriptive and much effort went into this novel. I BACK it! Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley