Weekend in Weighton

This is most excellent! You've got it down, from the cheeky noir detective to the smooth story telling. I loved the cliff-hanger end of chapter 1. Completely irresistible. High stars!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

I just spent several hours of my weekend in Weighton with Eddie G. and found it to be time well-spent. This book was laugh-out-loud funny, ridiculously clever, incredibly imaginative, refreshingly down-to-earth and brilliantly-written. (Too much? I make no apologies. That’s what I think of it.) I either laughed or smiled at least ten times just during the first chapter alone. One of my favorite lines was “detective-shaped door-stopper.” I could go on and on with my favorite lines, but I don’t wanna give all your best stuff away. :)

I could definitely see this as a movie. Eddie’s sarcasm and arrogance reminded me of a less crude and offensive Ford Fairlane. There were so many good lines in this!

I have one huge complaint, though. I want to read the rest! Ten chapters were more than enough to whet my appetite and make me wanna read on to the end. *sigh* Guess I’ll just have to mosey on over to Amazon and buy it now. :)

I would wish you luck, but you don’t need it. You’re very talented and I’m confident this book is going to do well.

M.A.

Wow - I love your style. Eddie is such a fantastic character and your dialogue leaves me green with envy. Particular sparklers were 'My nose hurt too much to look puzzled, so I looked blank. I'm know for my blank. Also 'The Dame was dead. This femme was fatale' - genius.
'Even the decomposing Mrs P didn't look out of place' made me laugh out loud - if a little guiltily.
Great stuff.
Have highly rated it and recommended to my husband. His kind of book and I think he might find space on his shelf for it.
Best wishes
Kirstie

An engaging and entertaining book with interesting story and strong charachters. The storyline is well built and clearly written. The narrative is good and full of imagination. Highly rated.

Great story! I'm up to chapter 6 and have to keep going. I like Eddie and am fully invested in learning who killed the poor widow.

I'd love to know what you think of my book, Bitnapped!

J. T. Carroll

First, Terry, I want to thank you for the high compliments on "The Doctor of Summitville." I almost believed them and felt really good. It was time to re-start "Weekend in Weighton" and go the whole ten chapters. Your opening is great--Eddie as guest of moronic Jimmy and Tommy, with gangsta talk that I could understand, not a bit labored, and fine character drawing. I was in a sweat as Tommy, his gun aimed at Eddie's head, squeezed the trigger. Classic! It's impossible to read Chapter 1 and not go on. So count on hearing from me soon, Bill

Hello Terry
Just read chaps one and two in one sitting.
Great stuff, cracking read.
'tranquility' spelling mistake.
'a burn mark'. confused by this as I took it to read a cigarette burn. Otherwise it's risky to suggest an unqualified person would know what a post-mortem burn mark would look like. Or am I sounding like an arse? You want to suggest she is starngled I take it which is fair enough. Brusing would do in that case I think. Does Eddie look up or around for any ligature? Clear it's not suicide?
I'm being picky Terry only because it is a great story.
Highly starred and on my WL.
All the Best
John
Dropping Babies (would be grateful a return read).

Greetings Terry,

So far I've read only Chapter 1 of "Weekend in Weighton," but enough to know that I sympathize with Eddie, suffer on his ride with the bad guys, and admire your mastery of gang-speak. I can even condone the cliche of having one's nose smashed and coming up bloody with wisecracks. Your characters, I'm sure, will endure fierce beatings and yet appear in the next scene wearing a Band-Aid. But all that aside, the writing is great, and this novel is headed for the big screen.

I hope you'll take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," a totally different genre. It's a love story (I shun "romance") in which a doctor starting up in a small town risks life and career to rescue a young orphan from her abusive uncle. As a side issue, it often describes in layman's terms how medicine was practiced in the 1930s--"historical realism." Most of its 400+ readers have praised it. If you find it publishable, I'd much appreciate a turn on your shelf. I'll make a place on mine for "Weekend in Weighton."

Happy New Year! --Bill

Terry,
This was a delightful Christmas holiday read; a very fun and carefully crafted comic murder mystery. 
I have read the ten chaptes you posted. It really fulfills its promise of a Chandleresque comic whodunnit extremely well. You teeter on the edge and never go over, which is a truly admirable feat. Your one-liners are really something special, and you sprinkle them in the plot in a way that is unobtrusive and adds to the experience rather than detract from it.
Hook and plot. 
I think that your choice of starting at the relatively violent scene in chapter one is a good one. The tone is really fabulous and it may have carried the day regardless, but it really hooks with the gangsters. Nevertheless,  I thought at the very beginning of chapter two that the chapter one narrator was part of the mafia and different from the chapter two narrator. Not a significant issue as I read on.
The plot itself, in its relative simplicity, is an ideal vehicle of your great main character. Just convoluted enough to be interesting, but relatively straightforward, it does not disappoint and does not interfere.
I think that you also do a good job at doling out the information. The pacing is excellent.
Character development
Eddie is, of course, a caricature, but he is a good one. While the idea that such an absolute spaz would attract a girl like Kate (and mind, he already has a girlfriend) is hard to swallow (what's with the Cherokee sense?), in spite of this, I want him to succeed, and I can't begrudge him anything. You do a good job making his humor remarkable within his caricature universe.  An example is Jimmy: this Gotham-like gangster spares his life because he makes him laugh. You also do a good job explaining Hobb's tolerance, although at times the whole thing does seem a bit convenient. Again, this  issue is irrelevant given the great wit and tone of the story, but would affect it's success for me if it were not a comic novel.
I think that the surrounding characters are very well developed for what they are. You especially did a good job giving dimension to Kate and Mrs Greene with the background stories. The romance is well established, although some of the details are still bit of a mystery. 
While the Mayor, Elaine, Hobbs and Jimmy are perhaps less well developed (I only meet Elaine in chapter ten, so its perhaps unfair in her case) I think they more than make up for it by being good players in the ouvre that is Eddie G.

Style and mechanics
This looks very polished to me  and I found no mayor typos. Of course, it was a very fluid read, so I may have missed some.
I think the style, again, is great. You have a subtle skill with the one-liners that is enviable.

So, six stars and will go on my shelf soon (I must get a carpenter to expand it somehow).

My few comments as I read:
His eyes crinkled and his lips stretched to the far horizon – he was still puzzling over his points defeat. 
Not sure what ts means. 

The tone of this is really great. 
Your narrator is really engaging. 
2
I love this silly private eye with the silly tone. 
"Mrs Davies the next door neighbour"apostrophe missing

4
"Even since being a directly-elected post, the" even though, or ever since

9
"meddling in spite of yourself . And" extra space.
"Jimmy put his arm around the blond sat to his right," sitting?

All the best,
Maeve

A return read - and my most sincere apologies for taking so long to get back to you! I have no excuse…

Pitches: These are the first pitches I’ve read where I don’t have anything negative to say! They set the tone nicely - well done.

The book itself - loving it. I’d capitalise the Sea of Dead Sea, but that’s my only comment. Some fantastic lines. I’ve read as much as I have time for (3 chapters), but I really like this and will come back for more once I’ve cleared my back-log. Highly starred.

This is great stuff.
It reads like a (very amusing) dream.

Am starring it now and it goes on my shelf as soon as there's space.

Good luck!
Diana

The first chapter of Weekend in Weighton had me in stitches. Strong characters and highly entertaining dialogue make this a must-read. A mixture of comedy and satire with a touch of class, this book is a 6 star ride. The audience will both laugh and squirm, enjoying the pace as they get to know Eddie, cheerful and confident even with a gun barrel to his head. I don’t know why, but Jimmy gave me flashes of DCI Gene Hunt. Just as brutal and twice as witty. But Eddie gets himself into a spot of bother and a bloody mess. He’s been blabbing to the Mayor. A ride in a nice Merc and the option of one last request made me wheeze with laughter.

“Not that shitty Titanic song though.” Great quip amongst so many. Dialogue is your specialty, tight and to the point.

It’s a fast read, no messing about and deliciously disgusting. This is a book to savor and re-visit time after time. I will definitely be coming back for more. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Terry, you have real talent. This book is a gem and you have a delicious sense of humour. It’s hard to get first person POV right but you do it with aplomb in this Chandleresque gumshoe noir which also has a hit of Ealing comedy about it. Loved your descriptions of Tommy, Eddie and Jimmy (which also reveal character). There are so many comedic jewels in this that it’s hard to just pick out a few but some I loved were: “take big and then multiply”, “The unhappy extent of his crooked teeth”, “a dash of fear from occupants past” and “my nose hurt too much to look puzzled so I looked blank”. For anybody interested in honing their comedy writing skills there is a lot to be learnt from reading this book. Very best of luck with this Terry it deserves to do brilliantly. Have you got a series planned?

Oh wow, Terry, this is such a fun read. You made me laugh so much (well, Eddie did :)) ... Poor Eddie so put on, so 'in the wrong place etc'. So many wonderful lines. You are a very funny man, Terry.

Is it finished? I'm making my 'Gary Lineker to the bench' face - I doooo hope so because I would love to read the rest. Let me know when you get published :)

Michelle xx

Love 'morgue-inspired stare'. This is great fun, Terry. A sharp, pacy narrative that rolls along at a great pace. This is on my shelf.
Sheila

Hi Terry,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to check out your book, but here I am. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

Not sure “The weekend starts right here!” really helps your short pitch, but I like the rest a lot.

In your long pitch, an emdash is actually two dashes, not one. One dash is a hyphen.

Replace the colon with a semicolon or better yet, a period.

“But as Friday night…” should be moved up with the prior paragraph.

Chapter One

“On the upside” should be a comma after “upside”

The semicolon in the second sentence doesn’t work there. They generally separate independent clauses.

Cut back on those semicolons. They’re overused, which is typically regarded as a no-no among publishers from what I hear. At the very least, it gets distracting.

The pacing and storytelling is fantastic. I love your voice and I love the characters, not to mention the dialogue. You have good imagery, too, but I could wish there was a bit more, especially character descriptions. Who am I looking at? (what do they look like?).

Single quotes are typically reserved for quotes within quotes.

This is great, great stuff. Unique with a fantastic voice. You have a great grasp of pacing, character development through dialogue and storytelling. This will do very well here.

Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

I liked Weekend in Weighton, and laughed out loud more than once. Some of the one-liners were so good I'm almost tempted to steal them for my own book (I'll resist the temptation). The characters were all absolutely spot-on, especially Eddie himself, and the writing certainly transmitted a sense of a slightly sleazy, past-its-best northern town.

This is a purely personal reaction, but I did find the relentless Chandleresque narrative voice a little wearying after a while. I found myself thinking "This is all very clever and very funny, but can we just get on with the story?" I know exactly what you're doing, and as a Chanderlesque, film noir parody it is right on the button, but to me the voice did start to get in the way of understanding what's actually going on. There’s clearly a very good story starting to get underway here, but the style might actually prove to be a hindrance rather than a help in telling it. I know that it would be hard but if you take out just a few of the witticisms, then it might actually strengthen the impact of those that remain.

(Reading the other comments on this book, I realise that I might be in a minority of one on this point, but I'm willing to accept that.)

Chapter 2's title is "Thursday (the day before) - 12:30" but in fact the events in the first paragraph took place on the day before that, although that's not clear until paragraph three. I don't like flashbacks at the best of times (I know, I use flashbacks myself in my own novel; guilty as charged, m'lud) but I think you should at least establish the Thursday timeline before slipping back to Wednesday. Maybe start the chapter with "I found her early afternoon on Thursday..." then, as Eddie approaches Mrs. P's house, have him reminisce about the auspicious start of his Private Detective career, only to go inside and discover... you know what.

Finally, I agree with the other commenters who said they could see this story as a TV or film adaptation. Believe me, there are actors out there who would sell their grandmothers for a chance to deliver some of this dialogue! Get a TV producer interested and you might have a big hit on your hands.

Good writing,

John B,

This is great. Straight from the off, as pointed out elsewhere, there's action to get the reader interested. Funny dialogue and interesting characters. the irreverent crime/comedy thriller is something that is often attempted, but rarely done well. This is one of the exceptions. It's funny and quirky, but with a genuine sense of danger and violence to stop it slipping into parody. Three chapters read, highly starred and will be backed at some point.

This isn't my usual genre but I read the first chapter with delight.
Without sounding lame, I can only reiterate the comments below.
This was nicely written, I want to use the phrase "tightly written" but I don't know if that sounds right? No wasted words, great grammar and punctuation. It's got that arthouse noir feel that another reader identified. It's definitely in the top 10% of books on this site, the style, pitch and tone is just right for this genre.
5 stars from me, I'm sorry I can't comment more but this isn't my normal cup of tea!

I really enjoyed what I read though!

All hail, the unsung King of Comedy!

Weekend in Weighton, on a second reading, is just about the funniest book on this site.

Follow wise-cracking, jive-talking EddieG - self-styled sleuth of sleaze maintenance - as he takes on the forces of evil in a Chandleresque northern town...and then goes home to his mum. Okay, not everyone will get the madcap noirish humour, but for its target audience - prob the Y/A boy's brigade - it's just about perfect.

As Eddie would say: "Ain't that the truth?"

(love the new chapters, Terry - I think you nailed it!)

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

You know, this book has a lot going for it. Scenes are convincingly laid out, there is a lot of realism tinged with enough self mockery to be genuinely engaging. Details are well drawn and authentic. But call me slow, I kept missing a beat in every ten. Every so often my eye would skip forward and back and think, "Now, what was that, again?" as I missed a reference. I am not sure if it is the edgy, masculine humour, or the jumpy sarcasm, but I am a rather ageing, tired woman, so I like to play it straight. Funny, but straight. Nevertheless, I think you write very well, with confidence. All the best with this. Rated, Fran Macilvey. :-)

i love your title and your book cover. it looks like it should be published. your pitches are pretty good, but i think your short pitch is almost a little too long, but i wouldnt dwell on that- its not a huge deal. your characters have loud personalities and i love it when you know exactly what theyre like. youve also got a good balance between dialogue and description.
i wish you the very best of luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

An out and out man's read with lots of muscle (I liked that!) and plenty of fight action in the opening scenes to catch a reader's interest. “ Morgue-inspired stare? Loved that description!

A good strong character and a likeable voice make this an enjoyable read.

Review for Weekend in Weighton:

Notes:

C1:

Conflict in the first line: yes, an absolute requirement in this genre. Ticked and noted.

Pitched on one knee? I bet you’ve changed ‘pitched’ a few times. Maybe you don’t want to use sank, but it seems more appropriate.

Second paragraph you set the locale and ground the reader. That’s another tick on my list. It bodes well. First impressions are that you know how to structure a story – it’s reassuring.

I don’t think you cough for air. You gasp for air. You cough to clear an obstruction. Petty, I know, but it’s true.
I like the description of Tommy.

‘Let me guess . . .’ I gulped for air. ‘Boss wants to see me?’ Lose ‘for air,’ not only is it excess it feels like a repetition.

The description of Eddie reads a little awkward. I guess it’s never easy for a character to describe his physical characteristics. Would it be better to spread these descriptions out? Does it make sense for other characters to comment on his looks from time-to-time? A woman might call him a ‘handsome bastard,’ etc? I think I need to check this out for myself. There must be a skilful way around it.

The wise cracking Private Investigator is a cliché, of course, but that doesn’t matter as long as your wisecracks are good, and most of yours hit the mark.

I think the first chapter could be tighter. That doesn’t mean it isn’t good. I simply mean that for this genre you want to be razor sharp; you want every line to punch above its weight. In essence the chapter should boil down to punch, reaction, reflection, followed by the next punch etc. Despite his wisecracks you want him to know how dire the situation. He’s always found a way out before . . . but this time it’s different. I’d end the chapter with the gun to the head. Leave us hanging. All the tension dissipates as soon as he realises they’re not going to kill him. Which ending do you think is more likely to keep your reader turning the page?

C2:

Just be mindful of using too many semi-colons and colons. It can make your writing feel fractured if overused.

No leads so early on? I feel there should have been some leads discussed, abandoned, or which haven’t come to anything before he declares he has no leads. It seems like he’s reached a dead end too soon. It might be more tangible if he discovered something that feels out of place, although he hasn’t got a clue, as yet, how it fits in.

The only problem with the first scene of this chapter is that it’s too retrospective. Try to ensure that we’re investigating the crime scene with Eddie. You have done some of that, but the tension abates as you rush to get to the next scene.

I often find myself reading this as a film noir set in the 30’s and then get a detail, such as, ‘You’ve been watching too much CSI.’ If it’s a contemporary piece of crime fiction then use contemporary language.

‘Reasonable rates, discretion assured.’ - Another good wisecrack.

I’m not really convinced of his emotional attachment to Mrs P. She has to mean more to him than the average client, right?
Something bothers me about this chapter. It seems to lack focus or perhaps a sense of context, such as his relationship with Mrs P, and perhaps also his relationship with the interrogating officers. Perhaps we can add an extra dynamic here? I just feel that we’re missing something tangible, you know?

C3:

I like the ‘battle of hormonal wits’ line.

The introduction of Kate Connolly as a whole is very good.

Okay, I’ve read your first 3 chapters. I’m not sure how valid by comments are to be honest, we’re dealing with a specialised genre and there are certain ‘hard-boiled- expectations you need to meet. I think the second chapter can definitely be shorter. Although I do find many of the wisecracks witty, be aware, they also bring you story to a stutter each time you use them because it delays a line which might carry crucial information. Pick your moments. I think you’ll get more laughs if you use them at the right time as opposed to all of the time. The writing is fine, but as I said, it needs to be more contemporary. Eddie feels like a character from a film noir. That might be your intention, but it feels incongruous to the setting.

The strength of your novel will ultimately be determined by a shock twist and a satisfying resolution, neither of which I can comment on.

Best Wishes

Iso

Very good writing. Smoothe and slick. No errors, that I can see anyway.
Not the usual stuff i read, but quite enjoyable.
The writer definately has a way with words, unique, professional and very publishable.
Best wishes.
orma, Crystal Child.

I have read through the first chapter and so far very good. The story flows well and the dialouge is spot on. I didn't spot any typos either.

Timmy
Asylum

Not my usual read--I usually go for old-timey horror pieces.

That being said, I think this is great. Love the dialogue and the pace. This is one of those books that I can see turning into a movie.

You've obviously taken the time to carefully craft some of your lines, which are original and captivating.

Will continue reading and back soon.

Highly rated.

Nice!

I will start off by saying that I never go over grammar or writing mechanics since I’m not an expert on that myself. All of my comments are based off of your first chapter. As I mentioned, I’ll be happy to go over any other specifics as requested.

Plot: I like that you start off by telling the reader the date and time. It took me awhile to get “hooked.” This started on your line “The joy of inflicting unnecessary pain was evident….” I’m wondering what led your MC to be in the situation, making me want to read more.

Dialogue: It seemed natural and well done. I liked some of the wit you weave into the story. It is engaging.

Pace: I thought that your story moved along quick enough to keep the readers interest. I enjoy descriptions, but you didn’t go overboard, which is appreciated.

Publishable: I think that this is an interesting story that shows a lot of promise, and should be seriously considered for publication. This is a book that I can see myself buying in the future. I am watch listing you and will be back for more.

Best of luck with it,

Ashley

Okay. Good intro. And a fast one at that. I didn’t know it was a long chapter until I scrolled up the page. Your writing is crisp, you don’t go off topic, not a lot of backstory, and your funny. Eddie first came of as very arrogant to me and an ass himself but as I read I started to really like his character. It worked for the story and you felt bad for him at some points even if he was a talker. I just can’t believe Tommy and Jimmy were actually going to shoot him. They even pulled the trigger. I didn’t know that was coming and with that one unfired bullet Tommy’s character had a moment. It showed us that he would become tough . . . maybe. He did not try again and left so all this gave us insight in the little head of Tommy. He had some niceness in him. 6 stars. I usually give that no matter what to be nice but you deserve it for entertainment, flow, and a good sense of humor that made me laugh. Hopefully I can shelf you soon.

I like that last sentence in the first chapter “It was the second time I’d met him and we still . . .”
What a great line.

I've read your first chapter and my general eel throughout was that you were trying to replicate a style. Obviously you wanted a fast pace with a quick humour, but I kept being caught out by some of the details which really turned this into a very staggered affair for me. It was sentences like "dead-sea eyes" - how can eyes look like the dead sea? Are you saying something about salt? I was all caught up trying to understand that metaphor. Then again when you said his eyes flickered like those of a computer starting up and I'm trying to picture how that could be or what connection it could show because obviously your meaning is on a physical place, which just doesn't make sense.

It was small things like that which detracted from this for me. On the other hand the action rolled out rather well, from the fight to the journey in the car and beyond. The characterisation of the periphery characters was excellent in how subtly it was done. The way Tommy didn't shake his hand or how Jimmy commented on how difficult blood was to get out of the leather.

I can see you have talent, but you need to adjust some of the metaphors and similes.

Yours,
Joe

A finely crafted piece of writing that is nicely balanced and cleverly constructed. Most of all an enjoyable read that hooks the reader and defies gravity to maintain a rattling pace.

best wishes

richard

- Weekend in Weighton -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

"I keep thinking I'm in a detective film set in New York."

This is very much the crux of the humour throughout, a hard-boiled, gumshoe style tale in a very non hard-boiled, non gumshoe time and place. The narrative and dialogue are extremely clever in creating this pastiche of a kind of Raymond Chandler story. There are great lines all over the joint, 'the femme was fatale,' being my favourite. It reminded me a little of Jasper Ffrode's The Big Over Easy, set in Reading.

What else? Characterisation - that's all very good. The opening scene established Eddie as a wise-cracking wide boy and the bad guys and cops are all portrayed well throughout. I particularly liked the way the, what I assume to be a, love interest was brought in, her not being every man's taste but attractive to Eddie.

The plot too seemed to thicken at all the right points, with a good amount of action to keep things lively.

I can't really add much else but for a few (very) minor nitpicks.

-My pedantic side wants to change the near repitition in chapter one of 'I might have beaten the count. But by any account....'

-'....before Jimmy spoke;quietly as it happened.'
------Comma rather than semi-colon?

-I didn't understand what 'the ink was still tacky' meant. But that could well just be me being daft.


Excellent work all round.

All the best with it,

Ross

Terry, this really made me laugh and in places - out loud.

This isn't my normal read so it was interesting to be swept along by Eddie - who I adore btw - into his world. And you held me for the duration, which says much about your skill as a writer. Looking forward to reading it all when it's published ;)

Jess x

The dialog and characters are cool. It reminds me of a Guy Richie film.

Chapter one drags a bit in parts. While the interaction between the characters is lively, it doesn’t always serve a purpose in advancing the plot. I would also like to feel that Eddie is afraid for his life. It seems that he isn’t taking the threats seriously but I’m not sure why.

Now chapter 2 where he finds Mrs. P dead is entertaining. That’s when the plot comes into focus and I find it interesting. The phone call from a dead woman angle is a good one.

Well done. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Some good contemporary noir on display here, lots of stereotypical names and events littered with pop culture references. The first person perspective is employed effectively, though I tend to agree with JJ Maro, it does cause the well-crafted tension to slip every now and again. Mayor Clegg, hehe, his first name's not Nick by any chance? I really like some of dialogue shifts, they are particularly dynamic and written with care and you certainly have a sharp eye for detail. Perhaps some sentences are a little over-convolouted though. I read the first couple chapters, I'll check out the rest later and give you some more feedback. Good work! :)

You've done a lot of work on this since last I looked at it, Terry - and it really shows. Magic, mate, sheer magic!
If you want any particular critique on any particular chapter, just let me know. Andi had a small beef with your "that's" too - e.g. "AND that was just his head" - but that's just her MissileGirl Germanic pointillism, LOL!

As Eddie would say: "This is a winner - ain't that the truth?


P.S. Andi says thanks for the profile mention - she's your number one fan!

Hello Terry as you asked, i will go first. I like your first person narrative here, It is very difficult to write that way and keep the correct tense in the story. You do slip on occasion(but dont we all). There are a couple small typo's in the first few chapters but that is nit-picky in this wonderful story. I am glad you explained, in the first chapter, tommy's speech. Otherwise trying to decipher some of his dialogue would be harder and not seem like spelling errors.
Over all the first 2 chapters were wonderful, and i hope to get back to read more.
Thanks again,
JJ Marro

it's nice, really nice, i think maybe i'll back it, yeah i'll back it, one thing though mr murphy, if i can call you that, aren't you making fun of a serious matter, that's if you believe murder is a serous matter, the more personal the more serious i rekon, the thing is i only read about 4 chapters, but i get the picture, and what do you think the picture is, pretty eddie before or after his unfortunate run in with said tommy, let's just say i believe it is worth the words, be that as it may, this story might have to cool its phrases on my watch list for a time,i have some pieces on my shelf that need attention,while it does maybe you could do me a favor, if you are in a doing a favor mood, why don't you take a look at something of mine called "the sound not heard", i like to know what you think, thinking i get a feeling is something you are good at, a look at the first three chapters would be nice,and i would be much obliged, best wishes Mr. Murphy, the pleasure has been mine

it's nice, really nice, i think maybe i'll back it, yeah i'll back it, one thing though mr murphy, if i can call you that, aren't you making fun of a serious matter, that's if you believe murder is a serous matter, the more personal the more serious i rekon, the thing is i only read about 4 chapters, but i get the picture, and what do you think the picture is, pretty eddie before or after his unfortunate run in with said tommy, let's just say i believe it is worth the words, be that as it may, this story might have to cool its phrases on my watch list for a time,i have some pieces on my shelf that need attention,while it does maybe you could do me a favor, if you are in a doing a favor mood, why don't you take a look at something of mine called "the sound not heard", i like to know what you think, thinking i get a feeling is something you are good at, a look at the first three chapters would be nice,and i would be much obliged, best wishes Mr. Murphy, the pleasure has been mine

Hi Terry -

Here is your very harsh read. My overall comment is that while your narrator's voice is amusing, I don't think a lot of what he says as dialogue would really be said by anybody – even him. It's good as the narrative voice, but when he's actually speaking it feels a bit too contrived. I'd think about working to differentiate the two.

Otherwise, here are the comments as I read:

“...eager for another punch” makes me think he wanted to be punched, rather then to throw a punch.

“How to describe Tommy? Big,then multiply.” I'm never a big fan of talking directly to the reader like this, unless it's a major facet of the book. In this instance, I'd say something like: “Tommy was difficult to describe – take 'big', then multiply.”

“Tommy forced the short frog-march” is there a word missing here? Feels like there is – he should be forcing the MC to frog march – he's currently forcing the frog march itself, which feels odd to me.

“Tommy 'Jarhead' Insert-Your-Own-Surname” this is odd and, again, directly addressing the reader. I'd change this.

“I flexed between Jimmy and Tommy in the back seat, as Jimmy told his driver to drive on; not with any tell-tale directions I noticed.” You've got repetition of Jimmy's name and of driver/drive here, which I would rework to avoid.

“...I was pulling off a calm that was beyond my twenty-six years and entirely absent from the inside.” This screams exposition at me to establish his age. Also, I stumbled over the wording at the end.

I don't think you can “implore world peace”. Maybe implore for world peace, but really, you should be imploring someone or something for world peace. Plus, I don't know what you mean by “...and optional extras besides.”

“I clued the Kingpin to my right” I don't know what that means. Can 'clue' be a verb?

“Not blessed of great height,” I don't think you can be blessed 'of' something. Should be 'with'.

“'For fuck's sake, don't get that stuff on the leather, it's a bastard getting out.'” Is it? I've never had to get blood out of leather, but I'd have thought it would wipe off leather seats fairly easily with a wet wipe.

“Eyes to the right but the no's had it.” Is this meant to be a play on words? I'm confused by it. I'd have thought it should either be “Ayes to the right but the no's had it.” or “Eyes to the right but the nose had it.”

“ wondered how much he saw” I think this should be “how much he had seen”.

“'They say it's the hardest word, but I know I could do it justice.” Shouldn't this be 'knew' since he's already said it?

“Who the fuck do you take me for? Elton John?'” I'd leave out the EJ reference, I think it's over-milking it from the previous comment.

“achingly tall trees” This is an odd description. What is aching about them?

“As if in a cheesy B movie...” I'd lose this, as it just makes me think of everything that happens next as cheesy. And I'm pretty much always against “As if” comparisons anyway, as I think they read as week.

That's everything. Hope some of it is helpful.

Cheers and good luck,

J :)

i like how this is written. it seems to pre-empt my thoughts so i knew what was happening without having to try hard at all! jen

Ch1. Thankth. This reminded me of Terry Thomas getting a punch on the nose in "Those magnificent Men in their Flying Machines" He says nasally "I suppose you think that's funny". Well written. My reference point for this is Minder, which i sure you are sick of hearing. Good luck and I will keep this on my small watch list and drop in again to see how things unfold. Thanks for re-contacting me and keeping me honest. Norton

A master class in comedy writing. Super, super stuff that had me grinning from ear to ear (and beyond) as I read. Not sure I'd actually like to spend any time in Weighton at all, let alone a whole weekend - but it's a great place to read about. Does Eddie pull through in the end, I wonder? I guess I'll have to wait until this is published to find out. Six stars.

Easy to read, i feel I've met eddie before???
Great stuff , really
DML

Hey Terry,

I am much relieved to discover that you can really write. "the unhappy extent of his crooked teeth." "eyes swizzled furiously." There are a lot more examples, but your imagery is quite brilliant. You've got the hard boiled detective business down pat, with the added fillip of some really stellar writing, Kudos. I'm giving you a very rare six stars. My shelf is spoken for for a while, but I'll keep you on my watch list for now and the stars should help.

And now, for your reading pleasure, ta da....Animal Cracker!
Best,
Andi

HI Terry!!!
I think in the first line, the "tiny bulbs of light" is a little confusing. I know what you meant, a few sentences later, after you'd been punched, but then 'bulbs' doesn't really make sense. I would get rid of that 2nd sentence altogether maybe??
Very slick and well done! Your writing style is nice and clear. In most places, where you have adverbs, they are placed well. I didn't like the word "worryingly", I would leave that out, and the sentence will work better (about half way down chap 1).
"I flinched and descended into shock" ? I think there is a typo there? Or otherwise, how did "I" descend into shock?
Some of the dialog needs a little work... For example, when one person says: What'd you do?
The other person would probably not reply with: "I didn't, not entirely" and the first bit, when you have "what'd I say last time or I'd kill you?" that is worded awkwardly, I think.
Thank you for sharing, and I have rated your work! :)
These minor issues detract from the work which is otherwise good overall.

You weave humor in to your stories seamlessly. I love it. It's one area I am working on getting better at. If you get a free moment I would love any feedback on my book. Thanks and great job!

WEEKEND IN WEIGHTON / Terry Murphy

The first thing is, that this pitch 'hook' is very good. I think it should stay just as it is when querying agents as I feel it suits the need perfectly of insistance at reading the long pitch / mini-synopsis.

I really liked the way the first chapter started out. Very strong. As a repoman for over twenty-five years, I felt a unique kindred understanding of what Eddie was going through with 'Tommy'. "Clinching and unclinching his fists" LOL. Looking for getaway routes? Been there, done that.

I like the voice the narrative begins with. It reminds me of my favorite Radio Drama character 'Harry Nile", a down on his luck 1950's PI played for years on Imagination Theatre on XM Radio. Eddie's sarcasm, combined with sense of humor that shows itself early is entertaining and I am sure I am in for a fun experience with this guy as I read on. The establishing of his character through FP narrative is very good, teaching us much about our guy early without tons of 'info dump' so often times the case in first chapters of similar comparison. I know quickly that this author is a good writer so I brace myself for some lessons as well.

CH1 goes on to stimulate plenty of curiosity and leaves the reader in a great place. Eddie got 'punked' essentially and should know that Cartwright isn;t the dude to feck with, but, I get the idea that isn't gonna be the case as I click '2' and read on.

A simple blackmail triangle, what could go wrong? ROFLMAO. Great start. "This femme was fetale" Great stuff. I'm still thinking Harry Nile. Can't help it.

A good writer knows how to set-up a lot of conflict quick. The clever establishment of this, through crafty wording, humorous dialogue and inventive phrasing, is top-notch here. I would think anyone who actually begins reading CH2, will go all the way through what is available. Even as I read however, I know I am only going to love this offering and be cut off at the pinnacle. I read on anyway, hopeful to learn a thing or two about that very detail.

Oh....and I might mention. Punctuation perfect. (Had to go back later and modify this as I'm seeing some missing commas, periods and even a misuse of a colon in CH2) Nothing to detract from the enjoyment of a good read here. As a matter of fact, I am not going to constantly dictate progress at this point like I usually, I thknk I will just read. (Oops...the 'What am I doing here' needs a question mark)

Anyone solved the case yet? Blah blah. Not sure that belongs, Terry. Felt suddenly bumpy to me. Could just be me but I was enjoying this so much and then WHAM! I just didn;t resonate with this angle. Sorry. Opinions are ......what they are, but, I am the reader. Having said that, it's your story.

'Right let's start again Mr. Greene shall we?' (Aren't we missing a couple of commas there?) I'm being nit-picky here, I will not mention any more of this. It takes away from objective here.

I hate to mention this, but, in the interview with the detectives, shortly after the scuffle with Bugg, Eddie says he took a phone call from Mrs P only 'twenty minutes' before he called on her. During the body discovery scene you mentioned a 'smell'. Twenty minutes would hardly be enough time for a 'smell' to be coming from the body. You might want to remove the mention of the smell and possibly replace that with some other version of your inventive houmor. Just saying...

One more example: Did you examine the body Sergeant? (There should be a comma after body preceding Sergeant. The missing commas I see usually belong in this place. I had a timeof that as well when starting out.

Ut-oh. Got me. I now see the suggestion that she had been dead longer perhaps, tearing apart my big script flaw catch of your story. Now I guess it must be determined who made the call? Good stuff man. I guess I'll just shut up and read.

By the middle of 3, the author has done much to establish a deep plot, filled with mystery, humor and voice. Very crafty writing, most efficient and thrifty. There isn;t anything wasted here as this writing shows a good ability to move along well. This is a great story. Frankly, it would make a good story, with, or without, the humor.
The first meeting with Cartwright did exactly what the author intended for it to do. The paragraph mentioning the questions eddie had to answer for himself were exact repeats of the ones I was already asking.

Merely a personal suggestion: When eddie gets home you make your second mention of Magnum. I was told this is not a good idea unless it is a comparison to an actual character in the story. Subliminally, it tends to recommend to the readr a 'narrow' cast of references. Try Barnaby Jones or something(?)

Each character being introduced into this story is done with clear purpose. So often times we see authors get carried away with characters, sometimes using them as a crutch or for merely 'something to do' for the MC to further establish 'their' characterization. A clever writer is at work here, this is obvious. I could see this as a movie script quite easily. The best thing is that the grounwork is being laid to bring this character back again, in later stories, with a new plot.

Into 4 goes the sweet build-up of getting back to the circumstances of Ch1. Well-rounded, now the reader understands fully the details of how Eddie found himself at the mercy of Tommy in the opening paragraphs of 1. Well done. Amazing is that this was accomplished so smoothly, with too much at any one time. Good flow, great fill-in, good characters and wonderful writing.

I do however, find myself as I always am, trying to disect your plot. (I think all thriller / suspense writers do this naturally) You mentioned that the girlfriend had told him he was on the news. Did the mayor not see this. How then, could Eddie pass himself off as a journalist? (Maybe I'm about to find out)

I'm quite excited when 5 begins. Back to 'real time', my anticipation is high and I'm ready for this story to go....who knows where, I have no idea so here we go. Plainly put, this is a great read so far.

As I begin to read 6 the anaylitical part of me begins to come out. The introduction of Tony Porson leads me to believe his part will be more than I think. Being this early, and with the absence now of cartwright for two chapters while the 'romance' angle is built upon by the author, I get the idea the mystery is going to speed up to 100 mph here. (A little reader 'inner' feedback for you)

Ah-ha. Twins (?) Now I'm thinking murder plot by the sister. Voice would be similar, son could be involved, Mayor is a sucker, and Cartwright could be involved somehow....but...how? Reading on. Great stuff at any rate, even if everything I'm thinking is off-base. The point is, my mind is racing and I am a happy reader, being served a prose that makes me wonder. Constantly, I'm at work trying to scrutinize this plot. What am I suppose to be doing? I'm the reader.

Okay, so I'm thinking the only person who knew Eddie was going to 14a was the mayor. Or was it coincidental that the black dude from the alley was there. Hmm.

The writing up to this point is consistant. Plot continues to flow smoothly as if i was reading any good plotbuilder's work. Frankly, this is pro stuff. I'm loving it. On to 7, no problem. Oh crap! Great twist again! This is like a freaking roller-coaster ride. Just when the reader thinks an angle is accomplished, there's a turn. This is how this is supposed to be done. Wow! (I think I said that already)
I'm thinking it is a bit strange that Hobbs is always needing to leave these interviews early and let Bugg 'finish up' Hmmm. Details are killing me here.

As i begin the last available chapter i can only feel sorrow for the fact that i will not get to read this entire novel. The plot has built to a point where I have, like Eddie at the end of 8, simply gave up on trying to guess, "What's next?" The plot is simply fabulous and all I want to do is read it. I'm literally saddened at the prospect that I may never know the conclusion to this wonderful tale.

As I suspected 9 is a another great twist. I have a bit of a concern of how 'twins' could be so different. I remember the desription of Helen's frame, her 'attractive' features. Was it then so easy to portray being older, or whatever later. A wee bit thrown by that. The gambling debts. I thought Porson was a bit more 'well to do' than to be set-back that badly by 80G's. Maybe I'm foggy on the details.

All in all. A fantastic read. 6 stars for sure. Great writing, plot building and a constant 'edge of seat' feeling by this reader. A big "WELL DONE" to the author. My best wishes for you with this story.

Hi Terry,

I just spotted your book when I was wandering authonomy. I thought it sounded fun, so here I am to have a read and leave a comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1:

Great start. We’re in the thick of the action immediately. Looks like Eddie’s got himself into a bad situation. I’m rooting for him already. Will he escape or beat up the bad guy? I hope so ;). I like the language you use, by the way. It really gets us into Eddie’s mindset. I think he’s feisty and smart. I get the impression he’s a guy who’ll never give up, no matter what the odds are. ;)

I’ve 1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "Confused by short words and simple hand signals, Tommy declined…" is you telling the reader a fact. It's a bit like lecturing them. If, instead, you wrote something like "Tommy stared at my hand, forehead wrinkling…" you'd be showing the reader evidence of the character’s confusion. The reader can then infer the meaning for themself. I think this might actively involve them in your story more. ;)

Reading on…I like the description on Tommy. The guy really is a beast of a man ;). And I love the dialogue between him and Eddie. I think it’s fun and snappy. Uh oh… I wonder why this kingpin Jimmy wants to see Eddie, though. Ominous…

Ah Jimmy wants to warn Eddie off something. Seems Eddie’s been blabbing to the mayor about something. As the conversation goes on, the plot thickens. Jimmy seems furious Eddie’s been talking to the mayor, but he seems v happy the mayor’s so tense about something. What on Earth’s going on here? I’m intrigued.

I’ve another tiny suggestion here. In general, I think it’s best to avoid forms of started/began as actions don’t really start. They just happen. eg instead of “Farmyard scents began to permeate the car…” I think “Farmyard scents permeated the car…” would work better.

Reading on…Uh oh there’s a hint Jimmy might be running for government. That’s scary. With his influence, he might even get in. I shudder to think what this sadist would do in power. Brrr.

I think Jimmy might actually let Eddie go for a moment. He genuinely does seem to like his attitude. But then … Eddie’s forced out of the car and a gun’s pulled. Will this be the end for our intrepid hero already? I hope not. It’d be a v short book ;). Phew the gun wasn’t loaded. Looks like this was just a last warning for Eddie.

By the end of the chapter, Eddie’s on his way back to civilisation. And he’s musing about how he got into all this trouble in the 1st place. I guess I’ll have to read on and see how this all started ;)…

Chapter 2:

Hmmm seems Eddie’s a PI looking into a simple blackmail case. Ah … but then he finds mrs P’s body. Things suddenly look a lot more serious and dangerous.

Really tiny nitpick here. I don’t think you should have him “thumb” her wrist. We can feel our own pulse through our thumb so it’s a bad way to check for somebody else’s pulse. Then again, you could be trying to show Eddie’s incompetent in this aspect. If that’s the case, I apologise for this nitpick. ;)

Reading on…I love the language here. I almost laughed aloud at “this femme was fatale”. Eddie obviously has a great sense of humour and is quick as a whip. As a character, it’s hard not to like him.

Poor Eddie. The guy has no luck whatsoever. I can’t believe he stumbled upon this murder only 2 days into his new career. And now he probably won’t even get any money from the case, either :(. Hmmm v odd that the dead dame’s ah… assets seem smaller. There’s a weird mystery here.

At the police station, the cops seem suspicious of Eddie. No wonder. I’m guessing people don’t turn up every day and announce they just found a dead body. I’m not sure if they genuinely suspect him of murdering her, or if they’re just trying to shake as much information out of him as possible. Either way, the process is hardly much fun for Eddie. :(

I've a small suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to lead off with dialogue as it reads quicker and easier that way. eg instead of "I touched the table with both hands. “Fine. I’ll do what I can…" I'd write something like " “Fine, I’ll do what I can.” I touched the table with both hands…".

Reading on…Ah now I see why the cops are acting like this. Looks like it wasn’t Eddie who actually called in the murder. The neighbour called it in. I love the bit when Bugg lunges for Eddie. Nice to see Eddie can handle himself in a fight. Bugg’s face must have been a real picture. ;)

Hmmm the murder mystery soon deepens. How could the dead dame have called Eddie at a time when the lab says she was already dead? Either Eddie’s lying or mistaken, or somebody else called him. This case is getting weirder by the moment.

Oh then we get shock news. Mrs P was having an affair with the mayor. I blinked when I read that. It came as a complete surprise. And it seems the mayor’s the type who campaigns as somebody who’s whiter than white. This news is potentially v dangerous. The mayor would doubtless go to great lengths to keep the dirt hidden. I wonder, is the mayor complicit in Mrs P’s death?

Fun dialogue in the next scene between Eddie and Bugg. Finally, we get a handle on the real Eddie. He’s young and still living with his mum. It seems he’s a guy who hasn’t really settled on what he wants to do with his life yet. Maybe he lives in a bit of a fantasy world. This whole PI business could just be the passing whim of somebody who’s watched too many old gangster films. It would certainly explain the way he speaks. I suddenly get the feeling Eddie’s in far more over his head than I 1st suspected :(

Phew the cops eventually let our possibly-deluded hero go. The last scene of the chapter’s fun. His encounter with Kate’s filled with great dialogue. And we get the most important development of the story so far. It looks like he’s got a date. ;)

OK I think I really should stop commenting in this way now. This comment’s getting waaayyy too long. I'll try to sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you’ve written a fun and funny story that’s a lot cleverer than I 1st realised. I thought from the start that this would be an action-packed yet by-the-numbers detective story. By the end of the 2nd chapter, though, it’s becoming clear you’ve done something v interesting and unusual with the genre. It looks like Eddie, our wisecracking hero, is basically just a kid living in a fantasy world. I think he’s fallen into this adventure due to a love of old detective films and books. I shudder to think how badly wrong things could go for him if he continues trying to fight the good fight. Than again, maybe all this is just in his mind. I’m really not sure where the story’s going anymore. That’s great. It makes me really want to read on and find out what twists your story has in store. I’d happily do so if I just had enough time. ;)

I’m rating your book as highly as possible with 6 stars right now. I hope you manage to get this published. I think it is an unusual and clever twist in the genre. I can see fans of detective stories loving your work. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

So we have both now finished all that you have posted up and we are very impressed. Richard had to explain some of the more typically English tongue in cheek humour, but he loves to feel smarter than me, so it gave us even more enjoyment.

We laughed, we worried and were drawn in to the action from the very beginning. It is skillfully written, your understandings of the genre is clear.
Your MC is genuinely well-rounded and his joie de vivre inspite of the calamities that befall him shines through. Unlike other reviewers, I did not have a problem with his voice sounding too mature for his years, it is the style of the genre in which you write and Eddie would have to mature very quickly over the weekend in order to deal effectively with the situations he finds himself in.
I did have a problem with the character of his leading lady...she seems too helpful, but Richard was smitten.

On our shelf and will stay there for a while.

Oh, there were a couple of niggly sentence structures but they have been pointed out before, maybe it is my grasp of the language that is at fault...

Yvette and Richard