Evolution

I finally got around to doing feedback for your story—sorry it took me so long. I know that you’re interested in constructive feedback, and I really like your story, so I’m going to give you a lot. These are just my impressions and suggestions, and if you feel like any part of this feedback has missed the point of something and isn’t helpful, by all means take only what is useful to you and ignore the rest. :-)

I’ve read through the first chapter and part of the second chapter, and I love your premise, and I love the concept of your “mutants” (Haydeans). I’m a person who loves getting inside the skin of “monsters,” and that is what drew me into your book right away. I think you have a great concept here.

Here are suggestions of things that I think will help improve your writing:

[“With the rise and fall of my chest, I felt the cuts across my back stretch, causing tears to form. Wiping my eyes, I laid my head against the wall and pulled the think blankets around me closer, causing a fresh scab to rip open. I clenched my jaw and scraped my claws along the gray concrete as blood trickled down my back.”]
You tend to write in more of a passive tense than an active tense (I think that’s what’s going on here—maybe that’s not quite it). Or it might actually be a subtle discrepancy between the use of past and present tense—I can’t quite put my finger on it. The writing in the opening paragraph also feels like you are describing the cause and effect of a science experiment reaction rather than an intense emotional moment. Keep your sentences tight and make the emotion bold and up-front. I’m not sure how best to describe the mechanics of what to fix, so I thought I’d offer a way that I think you could re-write that first paragraph to make it stronger:
“As my chest rose and fell, [the scabs that remained of] the cuts across my back stretched. I laid my head against the wall and pulled the thick blankets closer around me. A fresh scab ripped open, and I clenched my jaw and scraped my claws along the gray concrete as blood trickled down my back. Tears formed in my eyes, and I wiped them away.”

One thing that you might want to focus on in general in these paragraphs is the arrangement of the information. Something that has been helping me lately is the idea of stimulus first, then reaction. For example, you might get away with saying “Jimmy leapt back to dodge the ball as it flew towards his head,” every once in a while, but most of the time you’ll want that to read: “The ball flew towards Jimmy’s head, and he leapt back just in time to dodge it.”

“My claws carved deeper into the walls as his whip tore into [my?] flesh.” Is he having a nightmare about something that happened earlier, or is someone actually standing there whipping him at this moment? Is his back being attacked from something planted under his skin? I have no idea what’s going on here.

“My claws returned to the slits between my fingers.” Is it more natural to keep his claws extended—say in his sleep—than it is to keep them retracted? When I think of animals with retractable claws, like cats, it seems like they sleep with their claws drawn in and extending them requires thought. You might want to elaborate on the natural position for the character’s claws and what emotionally urges him (anger, tiredness, excitement, etc.) to extend or retract them.

“I examined the eight small incisions for a moment…” The word “incisions” makes him sound like Wolverine from the X-Men who literally cuts his own flesh open and has to let it heal every time he extends his claws. Do the claws on this boy act the same way, or do they rest in his hands as a more natural part of his anatomy? If they naturally extend and contract without cutting his skin, you might just keep calling those “slits” or make up a name for them that sounds anatomical like “protraction slits” or something.
*Try looking up the anatomy of cat claws (protracting claws) to help you flesh out the descriptions of these really cool features on your non-human characters. If these guys are built for war, I have a feeling that those claws, and all of the emotional and physical connections that go with them are going to be important to emphasize and refer to throughout the story. The more realistic you can make them feel, the more your readers will connect with and believe that those features could exist on your characters (and the cooler those features will be).

“Pulling my legs into my chest, I could feel the resistance….” Try “I pulled my legs into my chest, and I could feel the resistance…”
Try: “I stood and clutched the bed frame for support, giving my body time to adjust” (stimulus, then reaction).
*Something about putting –ing words at the beginning of your sentences makes them feel more passive voice and less active voice.

“With a steadying breath, I walked towards the door…” I think that –ing segment at the beginning is actually not necessary at all this time—I think as a reader I can guess that he took a steadying breath before he started walking, unless he was holding his breath for some reason. Just say “I walked towards the door and entered the hall.”

“Holding in a sob, I bowed my head as the other Haydeans stood outside their rooms.” What made him want to sob all of a sudden? I know he’s in pain and shed tears before, and I know he’s dreading where he’s going next, but it doesn’t feel like his natural emotional flow has earned this response right here.
Why did he bow his head? Is he praying or having a moment of silence for someone? I didn’t know that he was staying with other Haydeans—why are they just standing outside of their rooms? Are they supposed to be moving down the hallway along with our MC? You might want to expand on the details of this kid’s environment to help ground us in where he is and what’s going on in this moment. I’m having trouble grasping where we are.
*Okay, so they really are standing there as he walks past…. Is this natural? Why are they just standing right outside their doors like this? It looks like at least a couple of other people are headed where he’s headed.

Overall, I think that you have a tendency to “tell” the readers things instead of “showing,” or even just trusting that the dialogue and other things going on in the prose do enough showing (“humiliated”—show me, don’t tell me; etc.). Instead of using –ing words (“Forcing me to my feet…”), turn those words into active words. (“He forced me to my feet, and then he grabbed my ears and twisted”). Also, I have a hard time grasping where we are and why we are moving through each scene the way that we do—try to flesh out those scenery details and make sure that the reactions and interactions of your characters to each other and that environment move and come about naturally. Some of the reactions and exchanges feel forced.

Again, I really like the concept of your story. I think this will be a great read once you refine it, and I will be eager to see how it turns out.

Good luck, and keep writing!

-Sarah ES

My book actually has a lot of similarities to yours--that's really cool. My main character even grows claws at a later point in my story that I haven't posted yet. What mutant is complete without them? I will be giving this a more thorough look-through and give you some feedback. Shelved it.

Good luck with your project!

-ses7

Evolution
Facinating ... This story has tremendous premise and is very well written.

Mechanics ... a few missing commas. I saw one instance when the word his was missing the "h". But overall, very well edited and few problems.

!st person exceptionally well done. Confused MC comes across very clearly. The whole story is told in a manner that is clearly a confused/abused being.

Rated well and to be shelved.
Raechel
Echo

This is a wonderful read- it was easy to follow- I love the character Alex and would love to know what happens next! I have some confusion as to why he is treated so poorly, the amount of sadism needs some context- is prejudice/ slavery enough to justify the brutality- it seems with Sir to have more too it. You do have some minor typos- such as in Chapter one "The doors (of? the elevator parted,..." and Chapter 3 "Our eyes met and I could feel is (his?) anger..." Chapter 5 "...Why did you just stand there why (while?) the Kiya..." Despite the minor grammatical errors I gave you 5 stars. I liked the story enough to back you! Are you going to post more chapters? Good Luck. Desi.

Please understand that I am not a language major and enjoy reading for the sake of the story. Therefore, I can't give you advice on your grammar. However, I have completed your first chapter. I feel that the characters are very creative and well defined in your writing. The opening hooked me in. The flow was a little difficult to imagine, because to me the pain was never resolved. It was difficult for me to see how she could still walk while enduring so much pain. Anyway, for me your manuscript was great, thought provoking and a wonderful new read. Thanks for being on line, allowing me to choose you as a Sunday read. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm backing you with admiration. Sincerely, Marie - 'Sun Shine and Rain' P.S. check our one of my short stories and let me know what you think. Thanks.

This looks great. I've only read chapter one as its (way past) bedtime here. Good pitch, exciting writing, full of hooks and situation. I love when the claws appear, as until then we have it in mind that he's like us - but no, he's not, yet its written as though it's quite normal (which it is in your book of course) I immediately wanted to know why he was hurt, and who he was, and felt I knew the character well. I was completely on his side when he was being insulted for eg. The chapter ends with him being threatened and sent out to do what he's made to do which makes us want to read on at once, to see how he does. Really enjoying this read.

Small points you can ignore if you wish, of course: You missed the 'd' off 'trickle' at the start there. It should be (worse things '...lay outside..' rather than '..laid outside..'

And, careful of using too many 'I's in there, which can happen in first person. In paragraph 5 for eg, there are a lot of sentences starting with it, and a lot of 'I' comments. That's it. Shall read on, may comment further as I do. A good YA book with all the elements they will love. I have starred it, and will watchlist it for later backing.
Cariad
STONES.

What a frighteningly fascinating world you have created here. And such a sympathetic character in Alex, a wonderful juxtaposition with his - human? - master.

The tension never lets up which allows the story to flow along nicely, and you leave enough intrigue for the reader. Who are The Haydean?, the Kiya? What is The Black City?

Nit-pics: One or two grammatical errors & mixing tenses: - I black out as his boot made contact - should be: I black out as his boot makes contact - or, - I blacked out as his boot made contact.

No biggy - Look forward to reading more.

Derryl Flynn (Scrapyard Blues

Hi Nac
Your first line, drew me in....and then your first paragraph. Your writing style is lovely, easy and I could keep reading forever. You write like a professsional. Are you?

I will BACK this.

Would you take a look at God of the Cocoa and see what you think? Comment and/or back it ...would be much appreciated.
Thanks and Good Luck!
Marilyn Rodwell

Dear Nac

Great pitch and your writing is high quality. The world you are creating is compelling. I am sure you will shoot up the rankings. Happy to put you on my watchlist and will look again when you next upload.

regards

Brian

Dear NAC



I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. I feel sure you
feel like me that it is your baby and you so want to see it succeed. I do wish you all the best in rising and also
getting this book of your published. ( I wish I had half the talent some of you have on this site)


Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

Dear NAC, I love the intrigue with science fiction mixed in :) - what a twist at the end :) - I wasn't expecting that. :) Your pitch, dialogue, & paragraph are all excellent. :) Suspenseful read! :) We've backed each other's books. :) Am I to expect another book, now? :) Love, Susie :)