Herbivore City

THIS BOOK IS CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH CLOSE EDITING. PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT. I WILL NOTIFY YOU WHEN IT IS READY SO YOU CAN ENJOY THE FUN.
WRITER:JOE ADU-GYAMFI

Hi Joe,

The story of Tinny and the rest of the Sheep family in Herbitown was such a pleasure to read! You have a gift for warming the hearts of your readers. Tinny''s struggles to stay alive, both in and out of the pit is so symbolic of the struggles of many young (and also older) people.

Keep up the great work! Your writing ideas are very good!

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories/Alecner

I would consider beginning with the sentence "Mrs Sheep had a hungry family to feed." And

then put "It was a long..." after "supper". No need to wait with the hook, and the hook is

Mrs Sheep.

I'm having a bit of trouble with the discrepancy between the rather "adult" language and the

more "youthful" story. "We shall", "for they knew" and "unbeknown" sounds a bit archaic to

my ears, but on the other hand you are very consistent in your language, and it does create

a sort of bond to the old storytelling tradition and fables. I suppose that that is your

intention? I only hope that it won't deter young people from reading it.

My kids would also protest that "tigers, lions, leopards, pumas, panthers and cheetas" live

in India, Africa, South America and North America and aren't likely to meet ;-) But what the

heck, it's a good story.

I enjoy mental images like "the echo of her own breath made her panic", and I wish you would

find more such pictures. I think that the story would benefit from more descriptions. It's

hard to get an idea as to where they live, what the land looks like, the sounds, how it

smells and how the grass feel under their feet.

All in all I think this would make a good theatrical play, the story itself has a certain

theatre-feel to it and there's a nice forward moving pace to it, momentum.

Sorry if I sound very negative, I really like this story and if my kids could understand

English I'd have them read it.

Thanks for sharing and good luck!

On my watchlist.

/Tony

http://www.authonomy.com/books/29764/all-kids-go-to-heaven

This is a cute childrens' folk story. There are some errors and awkward places that I think you should change, but the story itself is cute. I think you did a good job in writing it as a folktale. In that aspect it very credible. Good job.

In the beginning there was "she had no apples, no berries (etc), and everything for supper." You should put "or anything". And in the next sentence or so you should put "hurry" not "hurried". It was just little stuff like that that was awkward or wrong. But again, cute story. ;)

This sounds like a little fable to me, so I'm surprised that in chapter two it continued on. I'm not sure how you can sustain this type of story with interest, but I'll read on sometime to find out.

The way you've fashioned it, just like a fable, makes it a little distancing to the audience. The action isn't immediate, it's kind of like you're watching action from so far away you can't feel the emotion or anything. But that's my personal opinion, of course. It could be exactly what you were aiming for. So take this with a HUGE grain of salt.

The pitch drew me in and I was not disappointed. Beautifully written and enchanting. It's on my watchlist and the first chance I get, it's being bumped onto my bookshelf.

Joe,
This is utterly beautiful. I think you have mastered the art of folk-telling. (and that is not a bad thing in my opinion) I have only read the first chapter, but I am enthralled by your characters. I care bout what happens to them. I like that you made your animal characters so realistic and human-a hard thing to do. I will watchlist this and put it on my bookshelf when I have room :)
Great job and I look forward to reading more!
Kayla

This is heartfelt and sweet and even though it is for children- it appeals to the kid in all of us! I am backing this for the next 24 hours because Id buy it.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Dear Joe,
This story is enchanting. Kid or not, I was so upset about little Tinny and concerned that that she would make it home alive. I can just see little kids, wide-eyed, gasping and then clapping when Tinny gets into trouble, avoids becoming breakfast to beasts, and then makes it home. That mom needs to watch her babies more carefully.
There's a delicious feel of the earth - nature, in it's beauty and it's wildness. I would buy this and read it to every child I know. High stars, and I'll get it on my shelf just as soon as I can.

Bravo,
Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

I read a paragraph of ch 1 then went and got my kids to test this on them.

...hurry to the woods...

The songs were a great touch--I'm sure you're drawing on a cannon of which I am not aware

The cats were a great touch. They remind me of the wolf in European tales--or the coyote in Native American tales

It's interesting that every one has the same problem: the sheep only left the safety of their home to find food, all the cats want is food.

Here's what matters, my kids liked it. They weren't thinking about everything I just mentioned.

Herbivore city
It's good, it's well written, might attract young adult instead of children
Backed
Lenny Harry.

Nice story, good luck with your animal fable. Starred. Hannah

Great observation from Weasel.I really appreciate it.

I like animal fables, and you have some good touches here. The poetry is creative and funny, the progression from one predator to the next, each with their own approach, is very apt for childhood reading, and you've managed to resolve it very prettily at the end.

One thing I would advise, however, is that you go back through the chapters with an eye out for repeating yourself. For example, when you were describing the Sheep family in the dark woods, that paragraph was laden with sentences about it being dark and frightening and full of predators. You could just as easily reinforce that single observation with sensory perception. Like them startling at every strange noise, feeling branches whip them in the face, seeing shadows that seemed to dance in the moonlight.

Just a suggestion anyway. Good luck with this, I liked it :)

This is very sweet and just the type of book I'd like to read to my grandchildren. (never mind that I don't have any. If I did, they would love it.) I like Mrs. Sheep and her family. Sheep are nice animals anyhow so I think children will love this tale. I feel you show a good understanding of what young children want to hear. Good job.

Betty K. "Destiny's Weave"

A delightful story, with the little sheep outwitting the normally cunning big cats, bears and wolves! It's quite unsual to have a sheep (or lamb) as a hero/ine. I like that idea!

Why border speak abt errors again,i call them typos myself.A lot has been said abt it but I'm currently writing my final exams and seem very much tight so i advise u admire the creativity of the story,as for the mistakes everyone has got enough to edit.may be ive got more coz to be frank with u this story was hastily typed but soon after my exams im gonna use a whole week to clear everything.Just believe me!All the same i thank u a lot for that contribution.God bless!

I am very much reminded of traditional Native American and Native African stories - entertaining for children, but laden with deeper meaning for adults. There are a lot of typographical and usage errors (which must be cleaned up lest children readers learn incorrectly the rules of English), but the story itself is a joy. I would love to see it expanded.

James David Audlin

Hi Joe

I thought this was charming and humorous, a great mix for a children's book.
I do feel there are some editing issues (but then who doesn't have any?) and I agree with another comment on the use of the word kids in this story.
A well deserved backing.
Sarah. T-cup and the Dream Team Fairies

Hi Joe,

I enjoyed the first chapter of your book. Your story has a charm and freshness that is captivating.

Good luck wiith it,
Backed
Jenny

Hi,

Having read your book I was impressed by the standard. Children's books can either be too complicated or too patronising for children, but you seem to have struck the right note. The writing is excellent and characters are plotted so hard you could sing them.

Backed.

Stu

Takes me back to Larry the Lamb of carefree childhood days. And I think this will be just as popular with children today. Good job. Backed and 5 stars.

Marmon,
Thanks very much for ur inspiring comments.I think i need to have time to edit this story.Everyone believes if i do, it will go places.Now ur words have really fired me up and am gonna do that work in the comin weeks.Also i will read n back ur work~ God is Cocoa~In my country cocoa is no.2 foreign exchange earner~only gold brings more money so its worth looking @ such a story.Good luck!
@Orland~i must confessed dat ive never come across creative freestyle like urs.its amazing how u analyzed and piece that together within such a few seconds.Do u write comics for newspaper?believe me u writing talent is natural.

Joe,

Your subtle sense of humour is a credit to you and your writing. I had to smile imagining this lamb Tinny saying "No mom, I hate flattery." Of course there were many others. I think you have done very well. It sounds pretty original to me, and I have read many a story to my children. Your writing flows well and I see only a few errors for editing.

I would very much appreciate it if you take a look at God of the Cocoa. If you like it please back it, star it, and keep it on your book shelf for at least 24 hours...because of the new system.

I will do the same for you.

Backed.

Best wishes
Marilyn

Well, as a pit-dweller myself I found great solidarity with Tinny's efforts...and was hightly amused at how she relaxed herself so much she actually fell asleep. That is exactly how I feel right now. It's be a long day of struggle in my pit, with the rain teaming down on my head, too. And yes, the wolves are out there. (Actually, Man Utd beat them 3-2 tonight, but that's another story of a weak opening, but a stirring finish.) In my case I waited for the rains to fill my pit and floated to the surface like a crafty otter. I'd like to here the story from the wolves perspective also, and learn how they overcome their difficultes. Well done, sir. Maybe the carnivors are capitalists and the sheep their markets.

Obviously a charming story with a pleasant lilt to the writing which will transfer to the person reading it aloud. The only thing bothering me is the constant reference to 'Kids'. Kids are young goats whereas lambs are young sheep. A story for children should be as factual as possible to mix pleasure with education. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Nice job. Great story!

This is almost a delightful story. I say almost because I'm not so sure that a story written for little childrren should talk about how good the head is going to taste, etc. I wouldn't go that far for such a young audience. I would also leave out Tinny's fracture to a bruise that little ones can relate to. I love your English which reminds me of old time fairy tales. You have a very good flow to your witing. C.S. Poulsen THE INSIDERS mg/ya

Herbivore City, lovely work, Joe, master of words, and as poor Tinny tries to climb up from the pit and faces other obstacles along her path, I wish you well in your publishing pursuit. Don’t let the greedy cats and giant bears or wolves stop you. Good job, salt of the town, and prince.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Dear Joe,

I was entertained by your words and I am happy to hear them come alive. It is always great when one can get into a good flow when the mood is opportune and your piece makes me happy to support it and its creator. I am glad that the dialogue is open enough to bring to its auditors the experiences of a man's feelings. I celebrate this reading and I know what it is like to express yourself with difficulty. I wish you patience and an audience who appreciates your style and effort as much as us.

With Much Gratitude,

Billy McBride

Joe -

Herbivore City - I was quickly enchanted by Tinny outsmarting her enemies in the dark wood and making good use of her initial mishap, the deep pit. Some of the quirky phrases grew on me, like ... waiting forlornly ... And I had to laugh when the tigers tried to trick her with ... Our foster mother was a sheep ... Tinny is a great heroine, tenacious in overcoming difficulties, with a good dose of luck, too. The salt that seasoned Herbitown, and a princess in the bargain. I don't think editing this is such a great deal. The voice rings clear.

Backed with pleasure, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Hi Joe,

An enjoyable story - it comes across as a modern fable with a 'bush' twist.

There are lots of comments about the cross-over and all the formal stuff so no need to mention that again: although I agree with another reviewer that up to a point it helps give you an idiosyncratic and local-flavoured voice. Think local - write global!

Persevere and polish - it has a lot of charm.

Backed.

Terry

I found your story of the family delightful, although suffering a bit from literal translations, which includes a lack of appropriate punctuation. Nevertheless, the lessons you are giving are powerful for a young age group and I applaud your effort. My worry is that you have not outlined your book enough to give it a rise and fall and conclusion. Perhaps, as I read on, it will become apparent. My best to you. II enjoy reading books from other countries to learn new language and perspectives of life, so I am pleased to have found this.

Thanks Furious,Kardnova, Groaner, C W Jack and V.W. and everyone.I think one the reasons for posting this work here is to have such positive feedback to enable me get it in fine shape.So far,so good.am learning very fast and surely am gonna put over 90 percent of ur helpful suggestions to work. Herbivore City Belongs to the top and it feels good to have u all contributing positively towards the realization of this dream.May God bless u all.

Hello Joe,
As I'm not that interested in the genre I don't feel my opinions are really of value to you. I have no real experience of children's literature - unless you count the Batman comics I read to my Godson - and so don't really know what's on offer elsewhere. However, I am impressed by your writing in a second language which I might not have even noticed had I not read the comments below. You also have a nice and engaging tone and I found your style very accessible. Rather than go through points, I will simply echo what the commeters below have said since I would only be saying the same thing.

Good luck with the book and thanks for the inviye.

Hi Joe,
Your stories have a nice tone to them that young readers will relate to. They are just scary enough and filled with warmth and happy endings. Your dialog and vocabulary is well suited to your subject matter. I sense that English is not your primary language. This actually works in your favor much of the time, as it contributes to the gentle tone somehow. There are some corrections you should make, however. I will point out just two, as I'm certain other readers will pick up on others. If you change them one or two at a time, I think the book will soon be in fine shape. Here are my suggestions: 1. Change the sentence "She was almost failed by courage" to "Her courage almost failed her." ; 2. Since Tinny is a lamb, don't talk of her "hands" and "palms"--I'd use "front hooves" instead. Good luck with the book. Backed.
Niobrara Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

Cute story, Joe.
Might be because I'm American, but the following sentence is a little iffy to me.
"She made for the kitchen but oh no, she hasn’t apples, berries, vegetables and just everything."
Other than that, the writing seems competent (imho) and it deserves a boost.
On my shelf, and best of luck with it.

Joe, read and enjoyed the story of Tinny and her survival - tough to write in another language and that obviously needs work, but the story is educational, and good for a level of young reader - or to be read to. Backed for potential. CW (To Save the Sun)

This is a very cleverly conceived story. Yes, it might need a little work on the grammer and punctuation but, from a purely storytelling perspective, it is a wonderful story with some acutely observed symbolism and meanings. It makes an excellent story for younger children.

Backed, best of luck Joe.

Jack Hughes
Dawn of Shadows

Your story has potential, but you need to clean up typos and punctuation in places. "Tinny was immediately scared" not scarred. Otherwise, this is a charming cautionary children's tale, especially for pre-teens who don't listen to the advice of their parents and allow flattery to go to their heads.

Patricia
Super-Nature Heroes

Very enjoyable and descriptive imaginative opening, Julie

This was a joy to read, totally charming. I felt so sorry for poor little Tinny, spending the night all alone in the dark pit, I will be back to read more and find out when she is rescued. Backed with great pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Good one for the kids Joe, BACKED.
Now check out my books and comment or back as you see fit.
From my recommendation you will get three more backs.
David J Pickering
CONVERGENCE
THE CIVIL UNREST

dearest Lynne n Owen,
Thanks very much for dose inspiring words.I feel somewhat flattered but am about to even make Herbivore City much better than it is now and ur comments just fire me more to do dat.thank u soooooooooooo much

Well constructured world filled with characters that are dying for cgi treatment, this is Animal farm times 10.

A first class children's story; on a par with the Gruffalo. I enjoyed the read tremendously. A welcome edition to the canon of classic children's literature.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

how great it feels to find such perfect but rare writers of your ilk. i was really captivated by just the first chapter of your soon-to-be-phenomenon of a book.your in depth and picturesque descriptions of both events and characters serves a good resource. a good work done indeed.

What an interseting picture you paint with this unique concept. A very innocent tale which will no doubt enthrall the younger readers. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Hi Joe,

Have read two chapters of this great work, and it's refreshing and very exquisite. Honestly, you've crafted and weaved a charming story here, with authentic characters, dialogue and original voice. Glad this is done well, and deserved to be published. Hope you'll go through mine. Goodluck.

Elijah E. Yamslaw (Victims of African Wealth)

Thumbs up for originality. Cheers,
M