The Lokana Chronicles

As a former member of one of the most popular threads on this site, I am happy and honored to have been given the opportunity to read this entire book. The storyline is excellent, well thought out, descriptive and gripping. The characters are believable, both good and evil, urging the reader to feel the emotion from all. The time-shifting elements are well constructed, as is the Lokani/English dialogue. It all works to move the story forward, relaying the dire circumstances that continue to develop.
"The Lokana Chronicles" is a 6-star fantasy read, and truly should be published. Backed to the end!
Thank you Kay, for your hard work and this wonderful story.

I love both your pitches, they are both powerful and make this sound like a brilliant story and judging from the opening that is exactly what this story is. I love the way that something is happening at the beginning and grabs you right from the word go. Your writing is brilliant and so easy to read with an excellent flow. Excellent work.

I'm impressed with the POV switches working out so well. Usuaully the head hopping is hard to follow, but you kept some order to it. To me, it does deflate the tension and mystery a bit, but still no denying it was well done and not confusing. The dialogue in the market place was wonderful. The scene with Mother was well drawn also. She had a really good voice, too--exceptional. I also like the immediate conflict. Vegin meets a girl who holds his interest, then learns his parents are trying to arrange a marriage. I love his response to the news, too! this is classic! simple and well written--perfect for the YA audience. The names, also, are original without being hard to say. Looks like you put a lot of attention into writing this.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Your pitch is excellent; it reeled me right in. I'm no expert at fantasy, but I found this story believable especially because the characters seemed like someone I could talk to, and the fantasy world reminded me of something out of our legends and myths. Best of luck. A young audience would love this.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

I like how you introduce us to this world and your character effortlesslly. We don't get overwhelmed by the details and background. Your writing is very visual too, what I look for in fantasy is a story I can see in my head. You've done that. I couldn't find anything to critique, at least nothing that really stood out to me. I just really enjoyed it. It is one of those great 'escapism' books to get lost in. Good luck with it.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

This is a good read.
The writing flows well and the idea is very good.
No mistakes at all.
I like the names you've chosen. They're creative and unique.
Your pitch pulls the reader in, so you did a good job writing that.
Very well written.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. When you have time, please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

As a former member of one of the most popular threads on this site, I am happy and honored to have been given the opportunity to read this entire book. The storyline is excellent, well thought out, descriptive and gripping. The characters are believable, both good and evil, urging the reader to feel the emotion from all. The time-shifting elements are well constructed, as is the Lokani/English dialogue. It all works to move the story forward, relaying the dire circumstances that continue to develop.
"The Lokana Chronicles" is a 6-star fantasy read, and truly should be published. Backed to the end!
Thank you Kay, for your hard work and this wonderful story.

Enjoyable read. The characters are distinctive and well drawn. I especially like Vegin, as he reminds me of my main character, Xavier.The plot flows foward at a good pace. I would have liked more description of the court in the first chapter. I had no visual of the setting but this didn't prevent me from enjoying the story. Great job!

Hi Kay,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Have had some family emergencies to deal with. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
I like your short pitch…a lot, in fact. I rarely say that, too, as I think they’re difficult to write and not many people write them well. I’m not totally sold on mine, to be honest. But I like yours, so well done.
In the long pitch, it seems unnecessary to say that he had a chance encounter with “a beautiful Outlier.” I’m not sure what significance that has on the story, so it doesn’t do anything to entice your reader. Therefore, it doesn’t fit well in your pitch. The next line gives a bit more context, but the problem he faces should be up front in a more active voice to be successful in luring your readers to open the book.
“Despite family objects, the prince and Outlier are married.” This reads as a summary. You want to write it as a pitch, so maybe “Chaos ensues when the prince and Outlier are married.”
The last paragraph needs work. It basically says Chaos ensues and tragedy occurs, but then they try hard, but disaster strikes. Confusing and redundant.
Chapter 1
I keep thinking of “vegan” when I see the name Vegin. That or “vegging” which is American vernacular for relaxing. :P
“glaring daggers” Seems a bit colloquial for prose.
I really like this first chapter. The dialogue is strong, showing real passion among the characters, and the conflict is clear. Plus, the writing is clean and polished, which is refreshing. My biggest suggestion is to amplify the imagery. I’m struggling to see the scene and the characters.
I can see this doing well here, though. The writing is strong, and as I said, the characters evoke passion and urgency, which is a real lure for the reader. Best of luck with this!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

I love both your pitches, they are both powerful and make this sound like a brilliant story and judging from the opening that is exactly what this story is. I love the way that something is happening at the beginning and grabs you right from the word go. Your writing is brilliant and so easy to read with an excellent flow. Excellent work.

THE LAKANA CHRONICLES by Kay Kauffman
These are my opinions only so feel free to ignore my rubbish talk.

Chp 3 and 4 flew by and DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING, chp 2 is the problem child.

Hi Kay, read chp 3 and had a crazy thought. Since chapter 2 says the same thing and you covered the brothers plight (Chapter 3 when they are walking to her house) in joining the revolution why not drop it and shift to another chapter? But leave the part of him meeting the girl because you repeat every thing again. I would change nothing in 3!!!!!!!


Break up your paragraphs, too cumberson and intimadating. Look at some of your favorite authors and follow their lead. When I look at your work,"I'm thinking, here comes a long paragraph and I can take a break, but when you break them up, they are easier to read and I don't want to take a break

Chapter 2. You showed us how kind the prince was to the girl and a budding romance. Then you told us, the same information with the brother and then the parents. might want to lose or show again with the brother and parents in the same room. Its repetitive and losses interest.


I know your trying to intr the characters, but let it slide in gradually and no info dump.

Dream Catcher.

Hi Kay! So far I've read the first two chapters.

It might be just me, but I found the switching POV confusing and distracting. It might have been easier to follow if you have broken the chapters into sections, delineating them with **** or something like that to indicated a shift. Otherwise, the shifts came nearly every other paragraph in some places, such as when a new character entered the scene, and that became really confusing. It also made me feel distanced from the characters. Since you don't simply limit the POV to your MC's, I got confused as to who the story was about, and which ones I was supposed to be more concerned for. Maybe if you just used the POV's of your MC's, and maybe one villain, it would be easier to get more involved with them emotionally. Just when I started to hear one character's voice, you switched the attention away and the moment of connection was lost.

One thing I highly praise about your work is that you don't waste time with backstory, the #1 problem that is encountered in most manuscripts, and especially in fantasy, what with all the world-building. I already have a strong sense of the character's world, religion, and political climate without you ever having to put in long descriptive paragraphs that would only bog down the story. So kudos! The action is good, the dialogue tight, the plot fast-paced, all necessary elements to garnering and holding a reader's attention.

There were some sentences which seemed really long, and could probably do with some splitting up. Otherwise, your diction is clear and active. That's also something I wish I saw more; there's way too much sloppy writing out there. You, however, seem to have no problem with that.

I like the story so far! Am going to watchlist it so as to come back by later and pick up another chapter or two.

happy writing! I'd love to hear your thoughts on my ms, which is similar in setting and style to yours, if you get a moment to spare!

best wishes,
J.N.Khoury
The Heiress of Rhiangar

Hi Kay,
I am taking a look at the Lokana Chronicles!

Ok, I had a bit of a read through, about half way through the first chapter, and came to make comments. It's a lovely story, and I can mostly follow it. There is a lot of grammar problems though, and these jarred me as a reader, making it difficult to follow.

Some examples: In the first paragraph, your first few lines don't quite read correctly, and as the first line and para set the tone for the opening scenes, you want to get these right.. I realise they are the hardest to do though!!! My suggestion would be to change the first para to something like:

Tol looked over the stone walls, ornate pillars and busts of his ancestors that lined the throne room. (However, even with this change, he's looking at things both inside and outside sounding, so we don't know exactly 'where' he is).

In the third line, is Tol the old farmer? This isn't clear. Or is Tol the king? By the end of the first paragraph, the reader doesn't know. Be careful wherever you use pronouns. The other thing is to change paragraphs when you swap to a different characters actions or dialog.

The other thing is that within the first few paragraphs, you have a heap of pov changes!! If you change pov all the time, your reader can't 'identify' with and 'relate' to one of the characters. There are most likely hundreds of websites on the internet about pov in fiction writing... If you cant' find the info, let me know. Because if you keep the pov consistent throughout your story, then the reader will also be able to follow it really easily, and more readily relate to the characters.

I like the end of the first chapter, and the book as a whole certainly has promise and cool sounding names for the characters.
Starred, best wishes for your success! Thanks for sharing, and I hope my comments will help you in that.
Monicque
The Multiple Choice
x

Hi Kay. Back as requested to take another look at Lokana. IMO you have made a lot of improvements since the last time I read the beginning of this. Vegin feels much more real now and there’s a logical reason given for him to have such different views from his parents. Overall he comes across as a really likeable character, which is great. Surat is also a nicely rounded character despite his short page time.

Tol and Enya still seem a little caricatured to me. That’s not necessarily a problem, since the story isn’t really about them, but it does make me wonder whether starting in Tol’s POV is a good idea (someone reading the first page in a bookshop, for instance, might be put off by his attitude). Have you considered writing the entire scene in Vegin’s POV – perhaps have him watching in despair from the back of the throne room as his father berates the farmer? Get your reader straight into your MC’s head and stay there, make that instant sympathetic connection. Just a thought.

The story Surat tells about Misranna works well as a bit of family history, but for me it didn’t fully explain what seems an irrational hatred on Tol’s part. It may just be the way it’s explained – it makes it sound as though Tol has been raised on mean stories of his grandmother, specifically, rather than mean stories about peasants in general. Which I don’t think would be enough to create such extreme prejudice. Perhaps you could just inject a bit more here – after Garedon’s experiences, he began to think of all commoners as gold-diggers who’d rather cheat honest folk than do a hard day’s work, and that attitude got passed down through the generations – that kind of thing. Make it clear that Tol was brought up to despise all peasants.

Chapter 2 – ‘his parents had left for the country that morning in an attempt to suppress a peasants’ revolt’ – wouldn’t they have people to do that for them? ;-) Seriously, though, I wouldn’t have thought the king and queen would get involved themselves. They’d have an army for that. They’d give their orders from a distance and stay out of danger, particularly given the kind of people they are.

The relationships between Lipei and her family are still strong and work well. And I think the development of the romance between Vegin and Lipei is now stronger. I read through all six chapters with ease, so that’s good. The prose flows well and I think the shape of your chapters has improved. Great stuff!

I couldn’t help wondering, though, where the story was going. For now you’ve removed the Anna side of the story – I assume you’re still going to use that, or perhaps you’ve changed the plot completely? Either way, I think you need to weave a bit more darkness and a bit more tension into what you have, to hint at what lies ahead. And to do that, I really think you need to make Tol and Enya more believable. They seem so stupid at the moment that it’s hard to feel any tension over the future of the kingdom – I’d be quite happy for the rebellion to rise up and sweep them away. I think if there was a really vivid and realistic sense of danger developing alongside the burgeoning romance between your two leads – attacks by the rebels leading to more cruelty from Tol, the two sides coming together in a spiral of destruction that makes it gradually less safe for Vegin and Lipei to be together – that would give the narrative more pace and help to give a sense of significant events unfolding. That’s all I have to suggest, really. Just even out the balance between romance and war :-)

Hope that helps but let me know if you'd like to discuss anything.

Hi, I read your first chapter and found the flow good. No complaints, I liked how you set up the conflict between the family, well done. The parents are greedy and don't care WHAT happens to the people who keeps them in wealth and comfort. Kind of modern day, but history always repeats itself. I'll give 6 stars and read more and on the thread say HI, I've never seen a rose talk before, and the voice from the rose is sweet as is the story. I likes the hook at the end of the chapter! Watch Romeo and Juliet, Ya hear OH FRAGRANT ONE!

Richard A. Wentworth, (Dream Catcher.)
Aracelis

Vegin is a very deep character. His actions really draw me in and makes me want to be on his side, though I believe that is the point. The Lakona Chronicles has strong plot that can be picked up early in reading. So far, I like the developing relationship between Vegin and Lipei. Coming up to the 3rd chapter, I have not struggled or had to back track, this is a really strong point for me because I hate getting confused when reading a story. No confusion here!! I will keep reading for sure. Thank you!

Hi, Kay

Just some thoughts about the beginning. Not serious things, just impressions I got.

Tears carving paths though the dirt on Tol's face, or the man's face?
...and the king had finally had enough - Is Tol a tax collector for the king? Wait, I see; Tol is the king.
Period after 'dept' because sighing isn't talking.
How about putting 'the poor man protested' following 'But your Highness, please,...'

Keep in mind these are my amateur observations - not to be taken too seriously.
I read through the chapter and felt comfortable with the rest of it. Nice flow, believable dialog. I can't comment on the story cause I didn't get far enough to get into it, but the pitch sounds enticing and what I read seemed competent as far as writing goes. Again, just my amateur opinion.
I'll give it some time on my shelf. Best of luck to you.

The Lokana Chronicles
By Kay Kauffman

The pitch, especially the last paragraph, is very appealing. Anna’s mother taking the secret to the grave creates intrigue. Chapter 1 - Vegin’s insight into the ‘ignorant, inbred farmers’ is moving in light of his mother’s indifference. He is instantly likeable and we root for him. Surat, the tutor, is an interesting fellow. I enjoyed hearing about Misranna, who was ‘pleasing to look at in her own way’ and a woman of ill repute. Wonderful descriptions and names―captivating and unique. Lipei, the Outlier, is clearly a beauty with her blue eyes and red hair. I am a fervent supporter of the reds. The dialogue is entertaining and crisp and the loathing towards common folk is well crafted. I can’t help wondering if the King was too patient to hear a farmer’s case for a period of half an hour? If he is as corrupt as I think he is, it might have taken less than a minute. As the love between Vegin and Lipei grows, Surat encourages Vegin to tell the King and Queen. Feelings of trepidation grow as the reader is reminded of their disdain for filthy peasants. And so Lipei must raise herself somehow. Fascinating book with a great premise. I know YA’s will love this. More than just a smattering of stars.

Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs

Another worldbuiders crit, I'm sorry to say.


Hi Kay, I got round to Lokana last night, as I am making a determined attempt to catch up on returning a lot of the crits I have been granted.

I started by looking at the pitch, and to be honest, thought that it needed work. You have a dynamic story with a lot of plot potential, but the pitch doesn’t reflect that and didn’t draw me in. If you are targeting a YA audience, play up the teenage angst a bit? If older, then teenage rebellion will strike a chord.

Then I read the first 4 chapters that you’ve posted. I loved the names, and the currency you’ve invented; and the opening premise of a teenage prince starting to become politically aware, and not liking what he sees is fantastic – an old story true, but one that will never ever go out of fashion. The problem is that that didn’t come through for me. Where were the rows, the teenage arguments with the king and the Queen? If I told one of my teenagers who they were going to marry, Hiroshima would have been a picnic compared to what came next in my house. Where did Vegin get his progressive opinions from – was it his tutor? But what king would, when open rebellion is in force in part of the kingdom, fail to vet his son & heir’s tutor? And for that matter, with a rebellion going on, ( which you tell us casually, later on) where were all the guards in the city? Surely a king would feel threatened or paranoid? They all seem to think that way sooner or later.

You are, I suspect from your writing tone and voice, a very nice person indeed. That can make it hard to write nasty, and King Tol needs to sound nasty. Or sterner. Some great advice I received from a professional scriptwriter was to envisage a famous person, screen character, or actor for each of your characters. I sort of thought about Phil the Greek (no Royalist I !) when the old king spoke. Phil wouldn’t be daft enough to imprison a peasant for 10 years – he’s costing money and not earning. Chop off some of his bits, or put him in the army maybe? 5 minutes, tops. And ruder with it, too. Get in touch with your dark side.

As Rik said, the dialogue needs some work too, to punch it up a bit. Ask Lisa about the romantic dialogue, she’s good there. I’m rubbish, as my partner would tell you quickly enough. And for me, there wasn’t enough seperation in the dialogue – the Royals and commoners all share the same accent and intonation.

Sorry, because I’ve rambled on in a bit of a negative way. But it’s only because I liked the story going on in there and thought that you could make it really powerful with some editing work. You’ve a nice way with the descriptions and the pace worked well for me too.

Hi, Kay. Herewith an Alliance of Worldbuilder's crit. Please only take notice of the bits that you find useful, and discard the rest.

#blurb - I have to say that the story in your last para - Anna Markova's story - sounds more interesting than Lokana/Lipei's story. Anna (potentially) offers the reader a perfect method of entry into the world of Lokana, and the mystery of unwinding/working out what went on 30 years previously gives the reader an immediate stake in the story - what terrible secrets are to be resolved? What dangers and prizes await Anna as she delves deeper into her family's past?

#1 - it needs work. The dialogue, in particular, read to me like a debating society exchange ("I know that a kingdom is built on the backs of the lower classes"). Also, there's scant description of the players: what does the room where the judging takes place look like? How are the king and queen dressed? How does their appearance contrast to that of the farmer? Whet does Vegin, our hero, look like?

#2 - you spend a lot of time getting Vegin to justify his political position at the opening of this chapter, and not a word to describe the market through which he walks. What does this market look like? What are the colours and textures and smells that he most notices? For instance I might be better able to digest the irrigation infodump if it was given to me in the context of how the goods in the market had changed since Vegin was a kid.

TBH I can't suspend my disbelief enough to enjoy the meeting between Vegin and Lipei ... it's just too unbelievable! I have to assume that Vegin walks about the market in disguise, otherwise he would be mobbed by the commoners - direct access to the heir to the throne is never something to be ignored. And then he casually reveals his identity to a stranger? Also, why no guards - even undercover ones? Balil, for one, would pose a potential threat to an unguarded heir to an unloved king.

#3 - I cannot see where this courtship is taking place ... because you haven't shown me the setting. Another thing that I find unconvincing is the informality between members of the royal family. In real life, royal families are surrounded by servants and favour-seekers at every waking moment - it's why the formalities of courtly life developed, as a shield against being on constant public display, and having your every utterance dissected for nuance. Vegin's family don't read as 'royal' at the moment. I'm getting very little feeling for their privilege, and none for their difference from normal families.

#4 - where does Vegin meet Surat? How does Surat look - how can Vegin tell the man has been ill - is there an echo of recent pains and fevers in the man's face? Does his old tutor's robe dangle on his limbs, showing a sudden loss of weight? Why the heck are all these people on first-name terms? (Yes, I know that Vegin insists on it, but I'm surprised others adapt so easily to his demand - deference is a deeply ingrained human trait, often requiring a big effort to overcome).

#5 - what does the temple look like? How is Balil dressed for his ordination? What vows does he make? Is there a congregation? Is blood spilled? The information you supply about the zealots is no doubt important for what is to come, but is it essential to the story that the reader is given the info at this particular point in the story? It might make for more tension if Lipei (and Vegin) had to learn about the reactionary views and actions of her sister-in-law-to-be's family over the course of a few chapters?

I still can't come to terms with the way Vegin wonders around town unguarded and unmolested.

Writing effective dialogue takes some skill and practice. You need to think as hard about what isn't being said as is said - the silences and evasions can carry as much information as the words that are said. For instance, when Rona apologises to Vegin for Balil's outburst - would he really admit to the heir to the throne that his own son has fallen in with a bunch of zealots? Indeed, would Balil have been so openly contemptuous of Vegin in the first place? Remember what Vegin's Dad did to the farmer at the start of the story - Vegin's family must be fearsome (and feared) if they can order a man into virtual slavery, and condemn that man's family to starvation. You've obviously thought about the broad, overt politics of the situation in Lokana, but you need to think about the social politics too, about how people interact, how they amend their words, facial expressions and stance according to the relative stations of each person in the conversation ... that sort of thing.

Anyways, them's my thoughts. As I said at the start, take on board what you find useful and discard the rest. And best wishes with pushing this one forwards to publication.

Okay Kay, I'm all ears...eyes...you know what I mean =P

Pitch- I remember critting this! It's generally a lot stronger, but the first paragraph I think would be easier to follow if it was broken down a little more:

'Drought, famine, and corruption have left Lokana in turmoil. Heir to the throne Vegin is frustrated by the situation faced by his people, and a chance encounter with a beautiful Outlier leaves him more discouraged then ever. But he can't get her out of his thoughts. Eventually, despite family objections, Vegin and Lipei marry, and set to work changing Lokana for the better. But just as they begin to make progress, disaster strikes.'

Second para is lovely :)

ONE
I had to read the first paragraph a few times before I understood what you were saying. I think 'King Tol' at the start woild make it clearer. Also, 'the man'- change that to 'the farmer' so we immediately get a tag for him. 'Man' is very vague :) So:

'King Tol's mind wandered as the farmer looked up at him, tears carving paths through the dirt of his face. The poor man...'

Otherwise, nice!

'his gray eyes betraying his irritation'- but in the dialogue he sounds irritated already! So his eyes are matching his irritation, no? 'betraying irritation' means his eyes are showing an emotion he's concealing, but from what Tol's saying he sounds pretty irritated to me!

'the poor man protested'- you can drop this dialogue tag, we KNOW it's the farmer talking and not the guards. Plus you've used 'poor' twice.

'Well, I guess...' the tone of this felt odd to me. I think it's because, while the dialogue is sound, I'm still not getting much of Tol's thought processes. It's more introspection that 'showing vs. telling', but it's nice to hear what Tol thinks as well as what he's saying. So like 'Damn these peasants and their cheating ways. Not one of them does any honest work and then they dare come to me, begging for forgiveness! I have no time for these useless cretins...', just to give us a taste pof Tol's personality and insight towards other characters. Even if he's not a MC, he is still the first character we're introduced to, so you need to make his character strong.

'Come Enya', he barked as his wife'- this seems a bit rushed. Also 'barked' is a bit over the top, considering he's already been shouting/ exclaiming at the farmer. 'Come Enya!' His wife snapped to attention and hurried to his side.' The wife's action tells you it was a command not to be disobeyed and gives us a clue as to the fact she is a subordinate in this relationship.

'exited the room'- a great chance to describe the palace here! So far I have no inkling where the King and Queen are or what Lokana's royal throne room looks like. Show us! Red carpet? Jewelled throne? Statues? Ceiling? Paint us a picture of your exciting world!

Hmm, the appearance of the characters is too sudden for me. I need more build up. The King and Queen are arguing about finances. Give us the King's thoughts- wishing the drought would end, angry at the piling queue of starving peasants. THEN have Tol notice Vegin appear- perhaps a little hint as to what he thinks of his son as well?- and THEN have him addressed via dialogue.

'Tol jeered'- you use a lot of exotic dialogue tags close together. Some like it, others don't. My personal position is save it for very special situations, and otherwise use 'said'. We tune out the word 'said' so that way we process the dialogue better.

Again, the dialogue is good, but the content seems too forced. If you're still doing omniscient POV, go to Vegin's thoughts. Give us his motivation, behaviours, reasoning! Even his opinion of his latest lesson or his rather self-centred parents.

'His parents attitude'- this is what I mean by character insight. More, please!

'Senna'- she must've had good bowel motions then (sorry, I'm a medic, I had to make that joke, lol!)

Story's good, but the lack of character insight is letting it down a bit, and making it run a bit too fast. In fact, I would have preferred if the first scene with Tol was eavesdropped on by Vegin. that way you could give us good insight into his opinion of his father's treatment of peasants and then openly challenge him in the corridor. Tol could beat him down without an answer, and stride off. Angry and wanting an answer, Vegin goes to his tutor who could then explain.

The situation reminds me a little of Romeo and his father in the anime Romeo x Juliet (very different to the play but the siutation is very very similar, in that King Montague treats the poor badly and Romeo wants him to stop). If you find the time, I can send you a link where you can watch it streaming. It might help!

Again with Balil- without some character insight to help ground his personality I'm not really sure about his reaction to the news. His rebellious thoughts seem to come out of the blue. Tell me what he's doing, then what he's thinking. Happy to see an old friend? Who then gives bad news which makes him angry? Sad? I'd like more of his reaction.

So: great story still, and the writing's generally cool. But I would like to be in the character's heads more. More of their insight, thoughts, feelings, inner monologues (though it doesn't HAVE to be a monologue, just the character commenting on the situation).

TWO
Ah, I remember this! But I think you could relate it more to the first chapter. I imagine Vegin is very angry at his father for acting so selfishly and on such a weak reason, so he's come to the market to cool his temper and take his mind off things. Maybe?

'If only there was'- good, I'm hearing Vegin's voice! :)

You seem keen on this irrigation system! For the first time perhaps leave it vague? 'It would be so simple to make the farmer's life easier, but Father's a fool!' Give me vibes of irked teenager whose parents tune him out :)

'quantity was not as great'- be more poetic? 'The vegetable tables were stacked to the brim, but did not tower as high as Vegin remembered.' Relate everything Vegin sees/ feels/ hears to what he THINKS about it. Remember we're seeing the world through his eyes (and whichever other character too). It'll help make him more real.

Some of your dialogue is a bit hard to follow. Maybe a style thing, but when a character speaks for the first time in a while, I like it on a new line so it's easy to see speech.

Also the market- a bit barren with description! I get what some stalls are selling, but position? Colour of canvas? Stall owners being loud, pushy? More atmosphere of the racing town market!

'The girl dropped to her knee'- I'd like some indication she knows Vegin is the Prince. Perhaps she sees his fine made tunic? Or he's wearing a special colour cape or something? Otherwise you could go for him coming out without permission (would again fit with his tiff with his father, so he's deliberately going out against his father's wishes), but he would hide his status as with the political unrest he would be a prime target for the rebellion.

'How much for all of them'- his mouth going dry doesn't fit. He seems to be acting nonchalant and cool (though his heart is probably running into the sunset)- so I'd drop it. Otherwise, if he's very nervous, have his mouth go dry FIRST, and him splutter 'Er...H-How much...I mean, the baskets...sorry...How much for the baskets?' Then have the girl reply, and then Vegin: 'And for all of them?'

'fire and spirit in her eyes'- you're not giving me much of an impression of Lipei. Show her personality some more? Also this fire and spirit goes at odds with her docile manner in front of Vegin. More consistent would be if Lipei despises the Prince (as he represents the stuck up royals who care nothing for the plight of the peasants), but when Vegin shows his kindness she starts to warm to him but still has her doubts. At the moment it's a bit fairytale romance, when I feel you could put in more conflict. This would make their relationship develop more realistically and also show us how they change each other (for the better?).

'Lipei was one...' again, just telling us backstory. Inject it more into the present:

'Lipei stared at the notes in her hand. Fifty glinnas...fifty! Her parents would have a heart attack. She'd never seen so much money, even before the droughts when the best wood (reed?) for her baskets flourished. And to be paid so much by the Prince himself? Lipei shook her head. It was unreal. And his hand had been so warm...'

Really place us in Lipei's head!

Your lack of description of the kingdom is making the scene changes very snappy. Tell me what the shrine is like! Domed roof? Minarets? Statues? Gardens? Paint a picture!

'He hated Vegin for being their son'- this should go into Lipei's personality. It was her brother too? She's just too docile right now! Eating out of the Prince's hand. She needs the 'fire and spirit' you say she has. She needs to be more defiant, more resistant to Vegin's advances, and try to blame his genuine actions for treachery and deceit (so Vegin trying to buy her respect for the royals). Gradually she can see Vegin is not the monster his parents are, and then get to know him. Develop their relationship more!

And no it's not the feminist inside me screaming for more three-dimensional women :)

You seem to repeat in dialogue what you've said in the narrative: 'She finished her prayer and rose. '...I was just praying'. Just 'I am now' is enough as we know what she was doing (and I'm sure Balil can infer what she's doing too!)

'daydreams of Vegin'- used twice. Too telling! What is she thinking of? His warm hands? Kind smile? Bright eyes or unusual colour? Tone of voice? Show us!

Again, with the mention of Tag...I'd have liked more build up for Balil. Does his hands shake at Lipei's bright mention of the Prince? Does he try to banish angry thoughts but can't? Then does Lipei say something that makes him have an enraged outburst? Really build up the tension in him.

'fear showing plainly'- again, it sounds weak. Tell me her posture- head down? Eyes low? Closed body language? Show us her fear. And is fear really the right word? Perhaps 'concern'?

So again, plot is moving fine, but you characters are lagging for me. I need to get a taste of what they're like through their interactions, thoughts (I've said this about 30 times now, I know, but it's sticking out to me and stopping me loving the story to bits). I only say this because I only recently started doing this to my own work and even I can see a major difference without altering any plot or physical writing. Flesh out the characters and let them carry the story on their own weight.

THREE
Second para- misplaced semicolon. Needs a comma. Second time you use it, it's correct.

'She danced through his dreams'- nice line. You could make it have more impact by describing certain features (See above with Lipei daydreaming about Vegin).

Again, this bit of them longing to see each other is good...but as I suggested above, it's too easy. It's a love at first sight- which is all well and good, but for a story like this where their relationship is so so central to the plot, I'd like more of a struggle. Lipei should be more wary, sceptical of handouts from the Prince, and only when Vegin proves his honesty and kindness should she start to fall for him. Of course, this'll probably upset the pacing ;), but I just think it would pack more punch and give something more to what is quite a well-used concept.

The conversation of what they share in common is very good- again, it would be stronger if earlier Lipei was more resistant to Vegin, but comes to see that they're quite alike.

Also, Vegin walking around so freely in the open- it seems at odds to the political tension in the land where many of the populace want to see him and his family dead. There's no intrigue, or danger, which is making events seem rather tame. Couple fall in love and take a walk...while the populace are thinking of murdering the royal family. I'd like more secrecy, more awareness that their relationship is riddled with danger. For me it just goes at odds with the painful suffering of the people and the king and queen's callous attitude that's not going unnoticed.

And so the plot thickens...

OVERALL:
So the writing is good, and the plot excellent. But what I think you could improve on is how you deliver your characters, your world-building, and some of the motivations behind actions. Lipei and Vegin's relationship should have more conflict (which resolves), to make it exciting, and play more on how the political turmoil affects Vegin. That'll really grab my attention.

As with all Worldbuilder crits, this is only my personal viewpoint and you are under no obligation to listen to some, all or none of it, if it's not what you feel will work.

Hope this helped and all the best!

Sam241

Promising story....

Not reallly my thing, and there are so many fantasy books on this site, rather hard to get one to stand out above the rest. That said, this reads well, the characters are well drawn. But the opening could be more dramatic. All the best with it.

You have created a world and set it with interesting people. I would make a small suggestion - that you try and simplify the names a little, even make them closer to ordinary English names, simply because they're easier to remember that way. Your writing is competent, but not brilliant. I didn't find myself as drawn in to the story as I thought I should have been. That is not a helpful comment, as I can't work out just why that was - maybe that I didn't feel close enough to your main characters, either Vegin or Lipei. (I didn't read far enough to encounter Anna) I suggest you look closely at the comments of other reviewers, as some have a real talent for spotting just exactly what is needed to turn good to very good.
Typos - none that I saw, and that is exceptional.
Summary: The story has real promise, an original world, and a promise of romance and conflict. To be backed. Marj.

Hey,

I'll be quite brief in my comments for this chapter, I don't want to overwhelm you!

Chapter 1:

I like you're opening line, it got me right into Vegin's head.
"So far he hadn't had any luck" --> too many had's there, you might just want to say, "So far, he wasn't having any luck."

I like your development and the POV on this. Vegin seems like a likable character. I love your word choice, it really brings out your actions with the characters.

You're pitch was excellent, and drew me right in to read it.

~Addie

Hi Kay. Long wait, but it’s now time for me to comment on the Lokana Chronicles. You know how I operate, so get the salt ready: these are just my first impressions and hopefully helpful hints. Please don’t hesitate to get “helpful” on my own scribbles in retaliation!

Chapter 1

1. I like your opening. There’s something classically romantic in the foppish boredom you describe. It sets the scene and grounds your MC immediately. I don’t think you need the last sentence of the first para, however. Let us readers discover the significance of that tedious rebellion.

2. The next two paras are interesting, although I think (a) that they would be better if they were told from Vegin’s POV than the narrators – let us read his thoughts which show him to be noble and intelligent, a good and sympathetic MC; and (b) that they are in the wrong place: Vegin is still wandering with boredom and meets the girl. These paras kinda get in the way.

3. How did the girl know who Vegin was? Is his face well known? And she’d curtsy rather than bow, no?

4. There are a number of different scenes within this long chapter, which I feel should be separated out to give them the appropriate significance, and also given a little more detailed treatment.

5. To follow on from my point two, I feel there is a conflict between the important background information and the tale of our two passionate youngsters. The tone overall is a little sober, formal. I would have preferred a bit of whirlwind of emotions – especially on Lipei’s side: she should be dealing with amazement of having been noticed, desire, hatred due to her brother’s death, concern at what her parents or Balil would do or say. That’s a powderkeg of emotions however serene Lipei may be in her personality. For Vegin on the other hand, there aren’t so many conflicts as he can do what he wants – but shouldn’t he be a little concerned that he may be seeing Lipei as more than just a low-caste mistress (the unwanted bride bit at the end is a cue)? Just some thoughts.

6. I really enjoyed this chapter otherwise. It’s written in a very pleasant flowing style and I have no comments in that respect. This is nicely polished stuff.

Chapter 2

1. Again, my thoughts would be that facing Lipei’s parents would be less daunting than facing his own due to throwing away potential alliances. But the very fact that Vegin fears rejection by his beloved’s parents should be amplified: all his power and standing as a prince has melted away under the heat and confusion of love. Let’s feel that dizziness!

2. Rona has become favourable to the prince? I would have thought there’d be some lingering hostility, mistrust etc. Ok, it’s a match made in heaven ... but there’s also danger ahead for any bride of a prince. I want some conflict!

3. Right, here’s the conflict son / autocratic father. Yup.

4. I love Amarah’s reaction. Spot on brilliant, and it makes her such a sassy lass in few words! Let’s have a bit more about her before that pivotal moment though, and a bit more of Vegin’s struggles please. It just feels too fast.

5. Again the multiple family argument goes by a little too fast for my taste when there are so many juicy morcels that you could give us. I love the double-take by Tol and Vegin, a wonderful moment of comedy in the middle of a tense and emotional episode. More! I want more!

6. I like the developing conflict with the brother. This promises more trouble than the outraged old monarch.

7. There are too many episodes in this one chapter again, all of which are deserving of so much more treatment. So much so that the current division into chapters does not make much sense: there are so many natural story breaks and scene changes. As the episodes fly past, my attention wavers a little as there is not enough to draw me in whereas all of these episodes should draw upon huge emotion. Just realised: a “chronicle” tends to be a rapid and formal summary of events, whereas this really is (or should be) a lingering, immersive romance.

8. Woo – we have mention of a Lokarnna. Is that the one whose Chronicle this is? Uh no, that’s Lokana, the City. Slight confusion. Perhaps a different name there?

OK, this has been fun. It’s very, very well done and very promising, but also a little a frustrating. There’s a standoffishness in the style and the rapid treatment of episodes that gives a summary feel, a synopsis-like feel that kinda demands greater exposition. This is a tale of huge emotions, of visceral emotions. I want to be swept up in that roiling emotion, rather than sitting as a prim and proper observer beside the “book of days”. I want more!

There. That’s my first impression. I hope that helped. I will come back in due course, I’ve just promised too much to too many to really deliver on any particular book and I apologise, because I very much like what you have here. It’s an involving fantasy that does not rely on people massacring orcs. Please let me know what you think of what I had to say.

Cheers, TRM

Detailed comments follow. As always, take them with a whole heap of salt and use only those that are useful. I’m focusing on constructive criticism because that’s what I find most useful myself :-)

The first thing that struck me was the apparent disparity between the plot set forth in your pitch and the opening chapter. I was expecting the story to focus on Anna; instead it focused on Vegin. Reading further, it turns out the first five chapters focus on how Anna’s parents met and the political unrest in their country that led to Anna being taken away from her own world as a child. I know it’s a drastic suggestion, but might it work better to start with chapter 6? Introduce Anna, then let the reader discover the truth alongside her; fill in the past gradually as you go. At the moment, the first few chapters feel like backstory to me because they all deal with a time significantly before the core of the action. In a way, you’re introducing characters for the reader to empathise with (Vegin and Lipei) only to rip the story away from them and onto Anna.

The second thing that struck me was your use of the omniscient narrator. For instance, ‘All of these things culminated to change Vegin’s life, but he didn’t know that yet’, or ‘but this escaped Vegin’s notice’. These are things that the character whose POV you’re following couldn’t possibly know; they’re from your POV, not his. This is fine, if that’s what you want – to me it intrudes on the action, but that’s just my preference. The POV switches within each scene (e.g. between Vegin and Lipei in the marketplace) worked better for me. Usually I don’t like head-hopping (I have a slight POV obsession) but you’re pretty consistent with it, so why not?

Regarding your characters, I like Lipei. Vegin is also a likeable character, but I always wonder in a situation like this – child with conscience, born of conscience-less parents – where the child got his morals from. The fact is, it’s pretty likely that a young man brought up as a prince with parents who think the common folk are dirty/lazy/awful would have similar views himself … unless he was influenced by someone else. I’m guessing maybe the tutor took that role here? If so, it would be nice to see a bit more of his relationship with Vegin and how that counteracts the negative influence of his parents’ opinions. The parents themselves feel rather caricatured – I suppose that’s ok since they aren’t intended to be liked, but I think a bit of complexity would give them depth. In general I felt the ‘common’ family (Lipei, Balil and their parents) were more realistic and finely nuanced than the royal family.

Finally, the structure of chapters could maybe use a little work. For instance, I didn’t feel that chapter 1 came to a natural end; it just ended because you didn’t have any more to say, and I didn’t feel any urgency to keep reading. There’s no need to end every chapter on a cliffhanger, but I think some form of hook to keep the reader turning the pages would be useful. There’s a hint of conflict when Enya mentions the fact that she and Tol have been considering potential brides for Vegin, but this was negated almost immediately by her promise to consider anyone he already had in mind. I’d maybe draw out and enhance this conflict to make the reader long to know what happens next.

I got to chapter 5 and felt suddenly as if you'd copy/pasted another book on top of what you were already writing. The jump from the start of the story to what was described in your pitch was incredibly sudden and unexpected after 4 chapters in the other world.

Over all, it's good, but I think it took a wrong turn for me at the point where it lurched into the modern world.

On Worldbuilding: You've conveyed quite well the fantasy world from which Lopei hails. I get a good feel for the people and the history there, along with the interactions between everybody and their ties to the goddess.

Hi there, I was caught by this title's book cover and short pitch, so I've come to have a read. Whatever I say, please remember you're under no obligation to pay any attention if you feel they don't reflect your needs.

CHAPTER ONE

Good opening- you get us right to the action!

The last line of the paragraph, though- if Vegin doesn't know his life is going to change, then why mention it? The majority of books always begin with 'the day everything changed', so many readers will already be expecting a significant alteration to the daily routine. I'd say this final line is therefore redundant and could be scrapped.

The next paragraph does feel a tiny bit forced. It's important information, but it's presented in a rather matter of fact, 'oh by the way you need to know this' manner. Rather than having Vegin 'wise beyond his years' (which in itself sounds a tad cliche), why not play on his sympathy to the peasants? Also, having him say 'lousy peasants' contradicts the following narrative. Might be an idea to keep this bit more consistent.

Some redundant words in the next paragraph, could be simplified: 'Thanks in part to a better irrigation system, residents of Lokana proper were not hit [as hard] by the droughts as the Outliers, and they were more complacent than the toiling farmers.'

'Vegin had almost reach the end of the market when...' This seems to be a significant event but you rush it out in one long sentence. I'd slow it down a tad, make his noticing the girl really stand out.

'They were nice baskets...' bit more detail? Woven with reeds? Simple? Practical?

Vegin's reaction to the girl sounds quite superficial to me. Which may well be the case...but if there's a deeper significance here, I'd like to have some more visceral reactions. Does Vegin's heart race? Does he sweat? Does he feel light-headed? How does he feel when she speaks to him?

Hmm, I see you do more of the reactions from Lipei's POV. And then you add Vegin's. I would still like these to be earlier though, to give us a more vivid idea of the interaction between the characters.

The rest of this seems to be a lot of information dumping on the background situation. It doesn't feel very natural- it's related to the famine, yes, but not to the actions of the characters, and it isn't really driving the story forward much. It might be an idea to cut back on this and play it out more through what the characters are seeing/ doing/ thinking.

I also was a little thrown by the multiple points of view. Omniscient is fine and I've seen it done well, but here I can't really put my finger on why it's bothering me. I'm finding it quite distracting. Just personal taste- if others haven't picked up on this then feel free to ignore it.

Okay, I'll be honest- I started drifting the more I read. The chapter doesn't have much coherence- it's just random characters with their own agendas and little in the way of plot progression. The reactions also just come across as a bit flat. I wasn't really driven to keep turning and wanting to know what was going to happen. Apologies if this sounds negative but it's really what I felt as I read.

Writing-wise, though, it's very fluent and easy to get into. You've got the style and the premise, but the flair needs a little work. Try and make what the characters are doing relevant to how much background information about the world the reader needs, and perhaps focus to only two or three of the character reactions, else it seems to dilute the overall tone.

Strong writing, intriguing plot, but not quite having that 'flair' that gets me wanting to read more. Just personal opinion!

All the best with your work,

Sam241

Review 1st chapter The Lokana Chronicles

1)the math 78k words divided by 250 words per page =313 .. 11 chapters =28 pages per chapter average. Separate chapters thin some down for Authonomites. It may work for a book, but Authonomy is different. Imo
2)your characters have a lot to say. You write with a well honed craft. It's obvius you've read lots of books in your life. Your work reflects a imagery when I the reader have a perfect image of the characters. The active and passive voice are well done.

When I began this review I did not realize I'd encountered a 28 page novel sized chapter. This was the only this that prevented me form going more than half way. I hope my comments help your book future reads. If you should agree with any of them. I've been on autho since June 09. I've seen books of your caliber suffer for the presentation on autho. If you could find a way to cut the average chapter down to 12 -15 pages. Page =250 words. IE 3700 words per autho published chapter. I'd bet you'd get more readers into your story.

Andrew

Well written story. I enjoyed...

Cheers,

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Well written story. I enjoyed.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

I think your opening paragraph needs a nbit more work as I had to read it twice to get into it, but after that I found the story flowed much more smoothly. There is a lot in your main characters that I'm sure will unfold as I read more so backed with pleasure.

Jane Holyoake (The Spiral Pendant)

Interesting pitch! Lipei is very cute and the dialogue between her and Vegin is lovely. At one point Lipei calls her brother 'Bali' - I wasn't sure if there was an l missing or whether it was a nickname, but I'll mention it just in case.
You describe the scenes and the characters very well and I have all kinds of images of Aladdin crossed with Romeo and Juliet as I read!

The Lokana Chronicles - The pitch drew me to this work. It came as a bit of a surprise to find the first two chapters deal solely with an almost fairy tale story of a high ranking young man seeing a girl with whom he immediately falls in love with. Having read no further I can only assume this is the backstory of the character mentioned in the pitch.
Chapter 1 begins in a market, where one would normally expect to find a lot of movement, colours, noises and smells, none of which are described as Vegin passes through it, without anyone giving deference to his status as son of corrupt rulers. Vegin's parents, appearing to be desperate for him to make a good marriage, have chosen someone whose wealth will contribute to their depleted coffers. There is enormous potential here for friction that will hopefully develop in the chapters to come.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Hi Kay,

This story has a lovely charm and I enjoyed the romantic interplay between Vegin and Lipei. In whom you have two well crafted MC's. Good to see a clever, sassy yet feminine MC too. The dialogue has a nice tone too and works very well for this genre. The POV changes are seamless which is no mean feat.

My only crits would be a little less of Vegin's back story in the opening paras (some of this could be woven into the storyline later) and more 'showing' of the busy marketplace. We're told it's a busy marketplace but there are no sights or sounds or smells to put us right there. I understand why it is important for the reader to see Vegin's dilemma at an early stage but it could be played a bit leaner.

A very enjoyable read that will have huge appeal to its target audience.

Backed.

Terry

This flows beautifully. Well paced and the dialogue is believable.
Backed
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

Creatively imaginative with an excellent use of graphic, and colourful, prose to develop the exposition of a strong plot. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Dear Kay,
You've created a beautifully intricate story line that is nonetheless very easy to follow. I enjoyed the love at first sight scenes between Vegin and Lipei. The fact that there is a huge social difference between them doesn't seem to matter to them, though the adults are quite aware. I think that is very life like- the younger generation pushing the limits and disgarding all the rules in the name of love. You have a couple of cliched phrases that perhaps you'll want to fix - "she didn't have a clue" comes to mind. But that is a tiny comment. Mostly I think you have a wonderfully creative story that is fantasy but grounded in realistic characterizations. Great job!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

I thoroughly enjoyed this although fantasy isn't my first choice. I have commented already but it seems to have disappeared. Never mind. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-(How mean is my valley)

Well written and inticately plotted but does not lose the reader so well done. :)

An entertainng piece of fantasy

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

An entertainng peice of fantasy

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Arranged marriage is in hand for Prince Vegin, but he has promised himself to another, with his parents sights set on a fortune, can he stave of the marriage.With rebellion threatening the land as well, thanks to his mother and fathers neglect of the people, can Vegin make right, the many wrongs in his kingdom.
Standing tall with integrity and decency, Prince Vegin is a marvellous character, I like the way his behaviour is so inexplicable to his station and class. Can he eventually even pacify Lipei's brothers, ever increasing insurrection, and bring the people together. The Godness Kiala doesn't seem much like a twilight of a god, but takes an active part in the politics surrounding the kingdom. There much to be said about 'The Lokana Chronicles' sometimes I needed to be refreshed on some of the characters and do some back reading in the opening chapter, but I thought it was a solid start.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility

I'm impressed with the POV switches working out so well. Usuaully the head hopping is hard to follow, but you kept some order to it. To me, it does deflate the tension and mystery a bit, but still no denying it was well done and not confusing. The dialogue in the market place was wonderful. The scene with Mother was well drawn also. She had a really good voice, too--exceptional. I also like the immediate conflict. Vegin meets a girl who holds his interest, then learns his parents are trying to arrange a marriage. I love his response to the news, too! this is classic! simple and well written--perfect for the YA audience. The names, also, are original without being hard to say. Looks like you put a lot of attention into writing this.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

The synopsis is intriguing, enough to make me want to take the book home with me. I skipped around a bit to get a flavor for the story and found it imaginative and endearing.

Noticed just one nit in C10: "would not try to take my (me) by force."

You have an enchanting tale of old-fashioned romance here. Delightfully told with good dialogue and the right pace to keep things going. The tension between Vegin and his parents, reflected in the distrust shown be Balil is nicely balanced. Backed with pleasure. Colin

This is not my genre, but it is well written. You bring good dialogue and great scene description to your work. I cannot see any areas for improvement. Backed. Colin

Hi Kay,
I really enjoyed your chapter one and thought you dealt with the changes in POV very well starting with Vegin, then Lopei, Balil and finishing again with Vegin. The meeting in the marketplace was very good and I liked the background piece on irrigation and Vegin's thoughts. He's obviously quite a complex young man, torn between what he thinks is best for the kingdom, and his father's wishes...and now love? Well done, backed with real pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Kay,

I love the lyrical almost nursery-rhyme (I mean this is as a compliment) cadence to the narration here. You paint your world very well, and you clearly poured a lot of imagination into this piece. I'm really enjoying Vegin as a main character!

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Kay -

The Lokana Chronicles - I followed the satisfying romance between Lipai and Vegin, which reads like a fairy tale. I was shortly wondering who delivered the flowers to the palace. During the first chapter you might consider inserting * * * to separate a change of scene, like when it suddenly switches to ... Meanwhile, Vegin had been thinking ... The short pitch talks about Anna, the daughter of Lipai. Does she live in another time zone? Apartment and fiancee are rather modern terms. Just wondering. I'm sure it will all be revealed. There's a nice flow to the writing.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Kay,
You have an intriguing plot outlined in your synopsis of The Lokana Chronicles. I enjoyed what I've read so far with your detailed descriptions of the various settings and situations and look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed with pleasure.

Your pitch is excellent; it reeled me right in. I'm no expert at fantasy, but I found this story believable especially because the characters seemed like someone I could talk to, and the fantasy world reminded me of something out of our legends and myths. Best of luck. A young audience would love this.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Dear Kay,
You're an excellent writer, and The Lokana Chronicles, in my opinion has amazing potential. I wish you much success and have no doubt whatsoever that you will achieve it.
Backed with utmost pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

Kay,

This has so much potential, with a unique storyline. You introduced your readers to the world of your imagination effortless. The writing is very visual, so to say. Well detailed description and dialogue, a fit for YA audince. I love when romance is mystified, especially posturing beyond optical comprehension terms and dialogue. Skill and talent combined, blockbuster. Backed last night based on the pitch. Goodluck with it.

Elijah E. Yamslaw (Victims of African Wealth)