Dragonslayers(Book 1)

Dear Debbie

This is a sweet and atmospheric story about kids and dragons, a magical world with a mix of fantasy and reality. Your MS could do with a clean up, but your ideas are fresh and interesting. Keep on writing!

All the best

Fran :)

Hi Debbie,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
Your short pitch is confusing. The first sentence is a fragment, and the second sentence has no subject. I think there’s some text that’s maybe missing.
In your long pitch, “an little known” should be “a” little known (and “little known” should be hyphenated in this case.
“name” should be “named”
“its magical land” should be “it’s a magical land”
I read the first couple chapters and I must say, the story is enthralling. Fascinating characters and story development. My biggest suggestion is to clean up the grammar. There’s enough that needs fixing that I think it’s holding back the great story that’s here. That’s not a big deal, as it’s fixable and just takes continued scrubbings and edit. I love the story, which is what's most important. With some clean up and polish, I think this could do well.
Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Dragonslayers (Book 1).
By Debbie Kirts.


First of all, the book cover is absolutely brilliant. If this doesn’t pull it off the shelf at a first glance, then I don’t know what would.
Then we come to the book itself. It has everything to draw a child to it..Dragons..Elves , Fairies and such like.
It offers good description and has a tantalising pull to read on.
I’ve not mentioned any errors in the writing...there are too many.
A shame really because the storyline is impressive and shows great promise.
I hope you will take notice of earlier comments and edit your book. It could go a long way in attracting a publisher.
I really do wish you the best with this, pleased to star rate it.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

Hi
Just had a read through the first couple of chapters of your story, which I quite liked. However, I do think you need to spend a bit more time on editing as there are lots of small mistakes on show. For instance,
a) chapter 1 there is a double 'ss' at the beginning of 'some cards'.
b) some sentances are stilted as there seems to be words missing, such as "it is quite comical at times [watching] people runnung to catch the plane.
b) 'inside the house it was totally furnish' sounds stilted, it could read 'the house came fully furnished.
There are times when you repeat a word several times in close sentances, such as 'awe'.
These are only little things that could be easily put right, and would improve the read greatly.
Thanks for the chance to read,
Regards
Barbara
Awakening the Magic

There is nothing wrong with your story. You could use a quick edit to fix some spacing and punctuation problems. I pointed out a few in the first couple of paragraphs. I'd hate for people to stop reading over tiny details like these, but sometimes people do. The areas inside the [ ] are off.

take care of[r] bags

"[ ]Michael, are you hungry,[.]" Mom asked. -- I see you do this throughout. You don't need the space after the opening quotation marks

"[ ]Yes [m]Mom, I could eat something,[.]"I said -- there's a great forum thread about punctuation for dialogue tags. It is very helpful. This is the link.

http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/86237/on-dialogue-attributes-/


to keep me entertained -- added the ed

[s]some

Keep writing, just needs a little polish and it will really start to shine.

Bill
HAKTAW HEART

There are some tense changes from present to past in the first chapter that you should watch out for.

I'm wondering if you need the bit about the airport and the plane at all. What if the novel just started as soon as you get to Malatar - everything gets much more interesting after that.

I'm also not sure if you are having your narrator speak a certain way for effect or if there are some grammatical mistakes going on here because you seem to keep repeating the same ones, for example - in chapter 2:
"When the waitress brought our food it sure looks good." - this should be "When the waitress brought our food, it sure looked good."

And here: "The tenderloin is huge and the onion rings is so big..." is should be "and the onion rings are so big..."

Or: "Although they are very modernize in their appearance..." - maybe you mean "modern"?

I also kind of find it hard to beleive that he is reading about a place that has dragon slayers in a pamphlet - most fantasy stories have their main protagonist go somewhere and then discover that there are dragons there etc. It's a bit strange but maybe that will work in your favor because it is a very unusual idea.

In general, I feel that you have a lot of mundane detail in here about what everyone eats and how they sleep and get dressed etc. and I'm not sure it's necessary. Perhaps you are trying to show that this kid is a normal kid, but I feel like that is something you can do in a paragraph and then just get on with it to the more interesting and active parts of the story.

You've got the start of a good story here and I would like to see where you take this. I hope you don't mind that I was honest in my comments and if you found them helpful I would be happy to read more.

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Kirts,
You really seem to have fun with the story, which translates well to the reader. I believe most would relate Michael at some point in their life, awkward but adventurous. The set up is interesting, who doesn't love dragons and princes. My biggest hiccup in reading it was that you switch between past and present tense in the narration, which pulls me from the story. Both have their strengths, but at the moment they're competing. Other than that I like the action scenes: if you can get some of the exposition into those that might also add to the tempo. Do good and keep it up.
Miller~ Advent of Light. The Awakening

You write well from first person, and it's a solid choice for the target audience. The short, staccato sentences make this a fast-paced read, and it's believable that he's written it at his age. His voice is genuine.

I'm intrigued by the premise and setting. I've never read a book that takes place in Malatar. Should make for an interesting read.

Suggestions: The repetition of "up" and "tangled" in your opening sentence didn't work for me. Why not just: "I woke up tangled in my blanket." We can imply that he gets untangled later. Also, since this is in present tense, shouldn't it be: "I wake up..." Careful not to switch tense. You switched to past tense with, "I hurried." You do this periodically throughout the opening chapter. Careful. Stay in present tense if that is the tense you're writing from. Sometimes you make the switch mid-sentence even, "I park my bike, and ran up the stairs..." You have a tendency to say more than necessary. I'd cut, "he has to tell us" from the end of the first sentence in your fourth paragraph. "Dad went on to say" is unnecessary. Look for opportunities to trim. Careful not to start too many paragraphs with "I." You have four in a row starting with, "I got a quick shower..." I can't help wondering if you're starting this story in the correct spot. Why not start it in Malatar, shortly after your characters arrive? Just a thought.

Typos: Here's the proper way to write dialogue, "Michael, your dad has something important to tell us this morning," Mom said. Should be: "When dad says he wants to tell us something it's not..." You have an extra quotation mark in "I have something to..." Should be: "pedal as fast a I could (can if you're writing present tense)." You have an extra word in there. Printers "print out" not "print up." "Overnight" is one word. Should be: "keep him off subject." "That dragons once lives in that country" has a tense issue.

This is targeted well for the audience, the writing is fast-paced, and the premise intriguing. It needs a bit of an edit and polish to help make it shine, but this is a good start!

It looks like you have a start to a good kids story. The "big move" is a great way to introduce your MC: his thoughts, emotions, and actions will say a lot about him in the first few chapters. In that light, I suggest maybe showing more of his interior emotion in the first few chapters. You've caught it pretty well, but I think a bit more will make a big difference in the emotional impact your MC will have on your reader.

As for grammar/mechanics, I have two things. The first is verbs. I see from the other comments that it's been suggested to pick one tense (present, past, past perfect, etc.) and stick with it. I agree. This will give your story more flow and continuity. Also, you may want to try different sentence types (simple, complex, compound, etc.) for variety, which will spice up your writing.

I hope this helps. Keep up the good work and happy writing!

Bek Mars--author of DarkStar

I’ve read through chapter 6 so far, and I think this is a storyline which will appeal to boys (and girls) 8 through 12. I read a few of the comments posted regarding grammar and style, and since I’m no expert in these fields, I won’t rehash old territory. That being said…

I’m attracted to your easy writing style. I think the short, clear sentences will appeal to the middle-grade readers. In Chapter Two, I like the description of Michael hunkering under the covers with a flashlight and the frantic preparations for school in the morning strike a realistic chord. This is what you need to aim for- action that pulls the reader into the story and good description. Chapter Two is one of my favorites because I could relate to it. Another note: you have a gift for dialogue- use it! The early chapters don’t have enough, but in Chapter 5, you really hit your stride. I think dialogue helps move the story along with better pacing and emotion. Back to Chapter 4- you do a good job describing Michael’s feelings as he prepares to move to Malatar. When you focus on descriptions and feelings, you do a great job- I’d like to see more in the earlier chapters. Chapter 6: They broke a dragon out of the zoo!!! This is a pivotal point in the story, but I’m not feeling that heart-racing tension I think you could create if you tweaked it a little. This story has SO much potential and I think with a little nudge here and there, it could be great. With a little more emotion and some more action, I think you could have yourself a very publishable winner. Good luck with this!

Kids are gonna love this...

Hi Debbie, I liked how Malatar is introduced since there are obscure countries that someone like Michael might not know about. Also, his age pacing was good for the younger reader. Very realistic for his switching from everyday affairs to Malatar, especially his teacher had been there. There might be a little much of those scenes such as with the waitress.
There are sentences you would want to look at in revising: "It also states that at one time there is that unicorns", and "Mr. Baldwin isn't sure that (whether?) there are any more dragons there."
His seeing an orange tree first in Malabar was a nice touch. A nice fusion of reality and myth. Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Debbie,
Reading the comments below they mostly have a point about the writing.
The story is good. It's unusual and interesting. You need to get the writing sorted though.
Try re-writing the first chapter so that there is an event which makes the reader turn the page. It has to be eye-catching.
First give a name to the MC. Ask a story question in the first paragraph so the reader wonders about the character and what will happen next. Then describe the scene using sights, sounds, smells, feelings. Then introduce action then dialogue then describe the consequences then introspection. That way your scene gives a picture in the reader's head.
Structure is important. Try doing this and you will see the difference.
There is more advice on writing on my website (frednath.com).
Wish you luck, but should tell you writing a book is a long hard road. You get there if you really want it!

Hi Debbie, I like the story and that's the important part...the only part that matters. That said...

The opening needs a little more drive...waking up and then hearing the dad tell the kids they're moving...is too slow for me. I know it's important to the plot, but I would kill the waking up part..and open it with the father telling the family that they're moving...Michael explodes... etc

As a reader, I want to be able to picture the charcaters and you that well without describing...I see the characters through their actions and dialogue and inner thoughts...good job!

In the first few chapters you move around a lot...I would just tighten up the transistions.

Backed

Cheers,
Dwayne

A book for children. Once polished to an acceptable standard, I think it would entertain a child of around twelve. But I am afraid that it needs a great deal of polishing.
Marj.

Dear Debbie,

You have a nice drive and will in your book which keeps the action flowing. It is a kind of metaphor to need to be always on the go which I appreciate and especially the part about Hawaii where I grew up and am going back in May to stay! Thank you for helping me learn about dragons.

Yours Truly,

Billy McBride

Debbie,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the voice and the dialogue. The narrator's voice has this marvelous awe built in, which is how children experience 'the tradition of the new" to quote Harold Rosemberg. For them everything is new, so they react with awe....

....to everything

The second jewel is the dialogue. The tone is downright endearing, as he goes about reconciling the frustration with novelty, the wishes with the pauses, and as he does....

......his grace shows.

when you put those two together, you get a marvelous narrative going.

My favorite:

"After arriving at the airport....."
This entire paragraph is your personal best so far
Why?
Because you get descriptive, colorful, full to tone and beat

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"I heard mom call me again"
This is unnecessary, for the dialogue follows

I would replace some of the "I told him" with actual dialogue for, the dialogues are wonderfully endearing and set the scenes nicely

"extremely upset" agreed to it profusely" "getting frustrated"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he describes...the reader feels

"practically inhaled" "tightly making"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Hi Debbie. Finally, here’s my Worldbuilders crit. Sorry for the long wait. The following impressions are just that: one guy’s impressions offered with a view to be helpful, but do take them with a healthy dose of salt. And please don’t hesitate to have a go at my own writings in return. As the chapters are rather short, I have read the first six.

1. I very much like the child’s POV, which you render very well in the main. The rapid pace of the tale fits with a child’s short attention span, as do the many childlike observations (tangled blanket, looking like a monkey, crooked teeth). These are indeed things that are important to a young child. There are a couple of times where that guise slips (“piqued my interest” – doesn’t fit; would a kid call shoes “penny loafers”? would kids in a pool talk about boosting the economy?) and at times I find it difficult to place the MC’s age. Sometimes he reads very young. Sometimes older (e.g. when cooking upon arrival, not repelled by the girls in the pool).

2. I think others have picked up on your slight issue with present / past tense. Please pick one and stick to it. I think the present suits the POV better, but it is a difficult tense to use. Then again, you are brave enough to go for first person narration, so why not? There are a couple other recurring issues of grammar. Question marks are missing, some prepositions separated by commas could do well to be separate sentences entirely and the apostrophes for plural / possessive could do with checking. Minor niggles. Also separating out “said” and the actual speech into different paragraphs irritates me. A bit of formatting for indents and speech marks will also help readability.

3. I really like the way Malatar and its dragons fits seamlessly into the Real World. I’m not one for fantasy tales that take a Real World protagonist and whisk them away to fairyland. But the matter of fact way you present history teachers who know Malatar and have visited it, and set out that one can fly there from Hawaii, is an absolute winner. Playing basketball in Malatar sounds like a pleasant prospect indeed.

4. Is the dentist a necessary episode? The episode in the diner at the airport helps build excitement, but does the toothache reoccur with significance in the story? And the smelly man? Fun though those are, too many asides can distract. That’s just me however.

5. The family scenes are excellent, giving a very earthy grounding to Michael. He’s just a normal kid going to a country where there be dragons!

6. Why does Dad pack the company van? Are they going by ship or plane?

7. I don’t think the stream would flow past the royal family. The palace perhaps, or the grounds?

8. “One of the girls name Emma asked me” should be “called Emma”.

9. Oh come on, describe the dragon! OK, it’s a disappointment not being very big, but it is the first one Michael has seen!

10. Why on earth do they want to liberate the dragon? Is it not being cared for in the zoo? Aren’t they scared of it?

11. I’m a little surprised that Michael accepts his encounter with the prince so blandly (and the same for Mom – isn’t she a little intrigued?). Why doesn’t he complain that the prince is being unprincely, wandering about without robes of state or mounted escort and such things a kid would expect of a prince? Come on, a bit of “yes I am”, “no you’re not”, “am too” would be a laugh. And it could cement a friendship / enmity.

All in all I really enjoyed that. A bit of spit and polish and this has huge potential. Must move on as I have promised many more reads than I have time to deliver, but I’d gladly read more. It’s good fun.

Best of luck with this. Cheers, TRM.

Debbie,

First of all I loved the language that you resorted to when telling the story. I believe that it is a young boy telling it. Malatar is a wondrous land worth reading about.

Mr Baldwin is a funny character ;)

On the whole, a very promising read that needs a bit of revision of the sequence of tenses – sometimes you use present, past and then future in one sentence. But it doesn’t hamper the favourable impression I have; I relish your story immensely.

To make “Dragonslayers” a tad better, you may weed out some of the misprints in chapter 1:
In paragraph “My first class is History…” / sentence “I found out that Malatar is a small country which is rich in royalty which dates back in …” I think it should be [dates back to];
Paragraph “That’s when I sat up and [took notice].”

The second, though good in that it still carries the same tone as the first chap, is a bit uneventful for the target audience. I think they'd start losing interest. Some of it was awkwardly written, but a simple edit job will fix that. My suggestion is that you start moving to the event of moving to Malatar much quicker in the second chap. Some of the stuff, though a perfect picture of typical family, just seemed extraneous. But I wish you the greatest of luck on your cute story.
Any comment you might have for Alexis would be greatly appreciated. Have a great day!

--Shieldmaiden

The storyline is cute, and great for it's target audience. I did notice two mistakes in the first chapter--when he's at school, there's a sentence that says "take noticed". I think you meant "took notice". And near the end, when he's going to the dentist and he says that he can go back alone, the sentence should be "I insisted that I was," instead of "am". But the premise is really cute. Good job. I'll be looking at a couple more chapters--I just wanted to point out those two things before I forgot and give you my compliments.

--Shieldmaiden

Debbie, here to uphold my side of the read swap and offer you my comments. I tend to focus on what could be improved rather than what’s already good, so please don’t be offended :-)

First of all, you have a problem with tense throughout what I read. You jump between past and present tense, often within the same sentence. This makes it pretty hard to read. For instance, ‘The sun is already beaming through my window when I heard my mom calling’.

The narrative reads a little like a series of events strung together. I want to know way more about how Michael feels about the impending move, and not just through you telling me how he feels. You need to show me how he feels. ‘Show not tell’ is (IMHO) trotted out way too much as an Eternal Rule that Must be Followed, but here it really is applicable. I was always conscious that you were telling me a story; I never felt that I was viewing events through Michael’s eyes.

I’d also work on the fluidity of your prose. Try reading the story out loud – you should be able to spot where it feels jerky or awkward. Think of it as being a piece of fabric: you want it to be smooth and luxurious, without any snags or holes that catch the eye.

Finally, though I think you’ve got a good concept here, I think you need to take a good look at which scenes are moving the story forward and which are unnecessary. Obviously some everyday scenes need to be included to show what Michael’s current life is like and draw out the characters. But scenes like the one at the beginning of chapter 2, for instance, didn’t seem to add anything to the plot. It felt as though you were giving a blow-by-blow account of EVERYTHING that happened over the course of the day. To keep your reader’s interest, you need to be selective over what you include.

I hope this helps …

You have the basic story-telling skills down just fine. I would say, include more description about Michael and his family. Don't rush things so much; it seems you're pelting through the story as quickly as you can to get to the bits you specifically want to write. As a reader, I want to know what his world looks like, what his family are like, hell, what he looks like. There's a lot missing from the start - description, characterisation, setting, time and place, and until those are filled in, I think reading this won't be as enjoyable an experience as it could be. Clean it up and expand it, and you should be fine. Best of luck.

--R.N.

great idea from the start;- we have had dragon stories in the past, but put it with an original idea...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

You have a strong start to the story, with the impending move and Michael's fascination with dragons and mystical places. There are many puncuation and grammatical mistakes. If this is not your forte, get friends to read it for you and offer help. I think that you do a pretty good job with dialogue, but watch out that it's not boring at points, or that you're repeating information that you've already given in the narrative. Lastly, I felt that the tone of this was really more suited for children's fiction than YA. I'm no expert, but YA is pretty sophisticated these days. Keep editing, keep working on this...it's a good start!

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Minor typos:
“I look at the clock it’s only 7 a.m.” should be, “I looked at the clock. PERIOD It’s only 7 a.m.”

Watch run-on sentences. A paragraph of short, cogent sentences with a lot of punch is better than a long, rambling sentence stapled together with a series of commas and “ands.” For example, this isn’t exactly a run-on, but the sentence is awkward: “This isn’t good news, every time dad calls for a meeting it’s always bad news.” This sentence should be broken up into two sentences: “This isn’t good news. Every time Dad [capital “d” in “Dad”] calls for a meeting it’s always bad news.

Watch your tense. You start off past-tense (“I LOOKED at the clock”) but then switched to present tense (“The sun IS already beaming”). Make them either both present (“I LOOK at the clock” and “The sun IS already beaming”) or both past (“I LOOKED at the clock” and “The sun WAS already beaming”). Same thing with this sentence: “I tried to pretend that I’m asleep.” In just one sentence you switched from past to present (“tried” versus “I’m”). This sentence should either be “I tried to pretend that I was asleep so I could lie in bed for several more minutes” or “I try to pretend that I’m asleep so I can lie in bed for several more minutes.”

Watch redundancy. For example, “Dad told us this isn’t going to be easy to tell us.” You’ve said some form of the word “told/tell” twice, which is superfluous . Leave it at, “Dad SAID this wasn’t going to be easy to explain” or “Dad told us this wasn’t going to be easy to explain.” Find a different word or slice up the sentence.

As the timeless writer’s adage goes, “SHOW, DON’T TELL.” Instead of saying, “Dad told us this isn’t going to be easy to tell us,” try something like, “Dad ran his fingers through his thinning hair and sighed deeply, looking over at us with melancholy eyes. ‘This isn’t easy,’ he said wearily. ‘But I have some important news, kids.’”

Use quotation marks when a character is speaking. I.e., “He told us this is good for his career and that your mom supports me in this decision.” You switch from third to first person. Since it is “Dad” who is saying the latter part of the sentence, you need to write something like, “’This is good for my career,’ Dad said. ‘Your mother supports me in this decision, and I hope that you will too.’”

This part doesn’t make sense: “We are leaving at the beginning of the summer. I didn’t care that we are moving to some country. I’m hoping to play baseball with my friends this summer. I left the room extremely upset about going.” This paragraph is contradictory. First the reader gets the impression that the MC “doesn’t care” about moving, but the next paragraph he says he’s “extremely upset.” What?

Please, don’t feel at ALL obligated to listen to anything I’ve written. It’s YOUR novel and I think you’re doing a great job as it is. The storyline is compelling, the pitch concise, and I will definitely read more. I can’t wait to get your feedback on my own novel as well!

-EZ

I really like your book

Debbie you have a great storyline. The premise is strong; the pace is steady and characterizations compelling. I really liked the plot-- and the writing is excellent. I was enthralled in your story that if there were any mistakes, I did not see them. You have a flair for building tension that explodes off the page, creating action that propelled the story forward.
Great storytelling
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Having read through several chapters of this book, I am entranced with the premise and the storyline. A little fuzzy on some of the writing, yet I believe this is potentially a terrific fantasy!

I've star-rated and will shelve the book when able.

Best to you,
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Not my usual read but readable none the less. I think this will appeal to the YA market. Michael is a believable young lad who has an open mind as far a dragons and demons are concerned> Some nice touches on relationship and belief. Lazily I would prefer to watch this rather than read it but that's not to say I am totally wrong, as I say not a genre I read but the pitch made me interested.
Amelia
A Date in the Diary

I've enjoyed this and could tell you put a lot of work into it. You immerse us in a magical world, exactly what I look for in a fantasy book. Good luck with this!

Missy

Writting in first person is really hard. I liked your narrative though! I really wish I could go to Malatar too lol! The ending of the first chapter was pretty cool too.

Now, I can be a bit picky sometimes, so take what makes sense to you and throw away the rest.

Chapter 1

There are some english mistakes here, specially with verb confusion. (i.e. I looked at the clock, it's only 7 am. Either say "I look at the clock. Its 7..." or " I looked at the clock. It was...)
Also, there are many parts where you tell while you could be using dialogues to show (example: dad saying they will have to move to Malatar)

Some punctuation problems as well: i.e. 'Dragon Slayers! I thought dragons were myths...' might be better.

But overall, this was a good chapter!

Chapter 2

This is a sweet chapter. What others have said about space between dialogues is true though, you have to separate the lines.

I'll comment on the other chapters as I read further! =)

Cheers!

Hi Debbie!

I'm hooked! Will definetly add this baby to my watchlist! =)

An interesting mixture of modern day and fantasy - dentists and dragons - which starts out mostly an account of Michael getting himself into trouble: with his brother, at school, at home and on the plane to his new life. There's a lot of promise in the writing and in the use of imagination, especially for the chosen audience of young adults.

There are a few things needed to make this an easier read, such as the correct formatting of dialogue, keeping to the chosen tense (in this case Past, e.g. 'I woke up' - sometimes it wanders into the Present, e.g. 'I'm lying in bed'), and varying the sentence structure a bit more instead of 'I left ... I sat ... I went' - this gets much better later in the story.

DRAGONSLAYERS

Dear Debbie K,
Love the story. The dialogue is good but I need it on separate lines.

Most important - The pitch needs re-writing. it repeats and needs clear sentences.

Formatting still a problem but the edits read well.

A Zoomer

DRAGONSLAYERS

Dear Debbie K,
Love the story. The dialogue is good but I need it on separate lines.

Most important - The pitch needs re-writing. it repeats and needs clear sentences.

Formatting still a problem but the edits read well.

A Zoomer

ch 1
The grammar and punctuation and paragraph separations are really bad.

"How could they do this to me" about the moving is too cliche.

ch 2
...hmm. the grammar is getting to me. I can't keep reading. Sorry. It's a voice I kind of find easy to read, like I WANT to keep reading, but the cliches and the mistakes are making it hard to do. But work on those, and then it's not so bad. Best of luck.

Michael sounds very cheeky, which will appeal to young readers! Having read the first chapter and the beginning of the second, it is clear a lot of imagination has gone into this book. I think you should include it in the 'children' genre as well as Young Adult as dragons are very 'in' right now, making this a contemporary and potentially very popular story. (but if so, you'd have to take out the word 'crap' :-) )
There are a few grammar/spelling issues in the pitch (recue/rescued the/The peple/people) and you ought to address these asap to improve initial opinion of your story. I like that it has an easy going feel to it, but I believe work is still needed on tightening up spellings and grammar, and much of it feels like a stream of consciousness. Perhaps more dialogue and more details. For example, your account of his day at school would be a great opportunity to introduce any of Michael's friends or enemies.
Best wishes Debbie!
Karen

Hi Debbie,
It's a good start but I see lots of room for writing improvements: Please allow me to give you an example in the first paragraphs in chapter one:

Improvement example: (in first-person, past tense narration)

8:00 o'clock tuesday morning. I was laying in bed enjoying the time alone when my mom called me, disturbing my peace.
"Michael, it's time to get up."
I sighed and said, "Oh mom, just a few more minutes."
She persisted and replied, "No, it's time to get up and get ready for school. Besides, dad wants to talk to all of us. He has something very important to tell us."
Eventually I get up and get dressed. After checking over my homework I packed my things and went downstairs to have breakfast with the family. My two older brothers, Max and Moritz (only example names) had already finished eating their cereal and were sitting on the sofa with dad.
"Michael, you're late for breakfast," scolded mom. "Go in the living room. Dad has to leave for work soon and needs to talk to all of us. You can eat afterwards."
I sighed again, it sounds really serious. He calls for family meetings only when something bad happens, never for good news. I walked in and sat down next to dad, but away from (Max and Mortiz).
"Oh, I see the baby finally woke up," Max said, he's two years older than me.
I shout back at him. "I'm not a baby you creepy snot face!"
"That's enough kids," said dad and makes a hand motion to indicate that he wants to speak. Mom also comes in and sits on the love seat near us.
"Boys, I've accepted a position as head manager at my work yesterday. It's the chance of a lifetime for my career and your mom is supporting me. That means we are moving to another country."
Max and Moritz dropped their jaws in suprise. I opened my eyes in shock.
"Daddy," I protested, "the summer is just beginning. If we move you'll ruin everything. What about playing baseball with my friends.."
Max interrupted me, "Oh shut up, Michael, you got no friends."
"That's enough Max." Mom interjected and allowed dad to continue.
"Kids, we've already made the decision. The place we are moving to is Malatar, a place far away. It'll be a great experience for all of us..."
By the time the family meeting was finished I left the house extremely upset. I couldn't eat a thing. How could they do this to me? I tried not to cry since Max kept accusing me of being a baby. I wanted to show him that I wasn't. School was just a couple of blocks walking distance from home and I couldn't wait to get there - to keep my mind off this far away place called "Malatar", wherever the heck that is.


What I did, Debbie, was expanded your ideas into more details with more dialogue, because your narration sounds more like telegram messages with periods (full stops) all over the place. You will improve with time. There are lots of folks here who can help you with the narration, punctuation, dialogue, plot, voice, etc.
Don't give up.
All the best
Kirk

Nicely done - am still reading!

Backed,
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

This is a great story for children/young adults, Debbie. I love dragons(unicorns, too and I'm a nearly 60 year old grandma). It's a shame that bad editting lets it down, but that is something that's easily remedied, and I shall certaily add it to my wl. Well done and good luck. great book cover picture by the way.

Kate Grimes LIZZIE

I am immediately attracted to this book based on the pitch -- on my WL!

Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Spraying the man who stinks with perfume is something I would love to have done in my many plane junkets!

Debbie - You have a good story here, but your punctuation hurt my ears! Commas and periods don't cost anything, so you don't need to hoard them. Please go back and correct, as I can't read this anymore. However I'm going to back you because I think you have a good story. Don't let me down.

Hey Debbie,

I am enjoying the narrative of your student and his curiousity about Malatar. You do a good job of examining a little boy's imagination while going through everyday life. Even if there aren't any real dragons, this story could be a very well-concieved allegory. Combining the modern age (i.e. computers, the bus) with dragons is also interesting as you take dragons out of their "natural" mystical habitat. My criticism follows most of what other people have said regarding editing, which will give your story a much stronger soul. Make sure to look at the "pulse" of how the story moves along and give us details, even very minor or insignificant ones so that Michael and his world come to life. You have avoided run-on sentences well but many phrases are a little too simple, just let ideas and storyline flow.
Good Luck,
Backed,
John Payne
Apostles of Sera

Yeah I agree with the others about this needing a good edit. You just can't jump from one tense to the other. But maybe you are aiming at a much, much younger audience. If the first chapter is anything to go by I can honestly say there are a lot of typos. All in all, this needs some very urgent re-working after which, I think one can honestly say there is a good story here.
Good luck with the book.
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

Frankly speaking, this doesn't just need an edit! Unless of course you're aiming at a much younger reader...with illustrations perhaps? Anyway, everyone deserves a vote of confidence so backed...
Stewart

I realize you've just posted this, but you could use an edit. Your change from present to past tense and back again. Also, you've got quite a few typos.

This is a good premise, and I would like to take another look at it when it's cleaned up.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Dragons are a perenniel favourite and you have a good tale in the making here.

Hi Debbie,

This sounds like it could be a really interesting story but I think you need to spend a bit more time editing your MS. I only read the first couple of chapters but there are many grammatical errors which destrupt the flow of reading (using full-stops when a comma is needed, and not using a comma when it's needed for e.g.), and some basic mistakes e.g. using the possessive pronoun 'your' when you need the contracted version of 'you are'.
You also have your MC "starting" things a lot...! "I was starting to get bored so I started..."I started tossing and turning...." "I sat down and started my homework". This pops up quite quite frequently! How about: "Boredom hit so I started..."; "I tossed and turned"; "I sat down to do my homework". Cut out starting to do things and just do them *grin* Also, you use the past progessive quite a lot and I think it would made for more active reading if you used the past simple.
But there can never be enough stories about dragons so good luck with this one!

Maria.

Debbie,
Dragonslayers is a delightful account which is sure to appeal to young readers of the fantasy genre. I especially like the rescue of a baby dragon. This is so original and enchanting. Backed with enthusiasm.