Secrets-Book One:To Save Ella

SECRETS BOOK ONE
If a person likes werewolf stories, this one won’t disappoint. The wolf is mean and drips saliva when he talks. His victim is innocent and unprepared to be his kin. A small thing, but I thought werewolves were always male so learning a female could be one two made this an interesting story for me. I think you have a good writing style for this type of story: there’s an overall ominous tone that infiltrates all of it. Makes this a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

A cleverly imagined transformation opens this supernatural fantasy, followed by a meeting of a whole collection of strange people with even stranger abilities, gathered to help save Ella, who isn't quite what she seems. This has exactly the right 'voice' for the audience, and for a story that is populated by that incredible YA concept of centuries old teenagers. There's some stylish writing to go with the creative concepts packed into this novel. I can see it has been worked on with great care and attention to detail, so I've added my own suggestions below to help with the polishing process. I'll also give this a high star rating.

Possible nits: Pitch: 'big lot of trouble', could maybe be stronger phrase. Story: 'his tongue dancing behind his words' is a great image - leave it there - no need for 'like a serpent'. 'They all banned [banded] together'. Break up some of the longer paragraphs to make reading easier.

With first person, try to limit the number of 'I's, e.g. note this slight reworking: 'I woke with a bit of a fright, and looked around, but there was no one there. Glancing down at my body, I sighed with relief; I was still in human form.

Great read,well written,believable characters.Left open to write a series of books.Look forward to reading more of your books.

Carrol.

Dark awesome and damned good! Powerful read for fantasy lovers and you do not disappoint.


Para1 Cloths should be clothes
remove that before wasn't my own
remove the in the blood trickled down my lower lip

best

Superior example of a popular genre. :)

SECRETS BOOK ONE
If a person likes werewolf stories, this one won’t disappoint. The wolf is mean and drips saliva when he talks. His victim is innocent and unprepared to be his kin. A small thing, but I thought werewolves were always male so learning a female could be one two made this an interesting story for me. I think you have a good writing style for this type of story: there’s an overall ominous tone that infiltrates all of it. Makes this a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Nice writing! Happy to back. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
61BBboy

A short story with everything of mythology, almost a parody of a werewolf novel.
I am sure you will find a market for this. To be backed.
PS: I think you need a change of book-cover. It's only just now that I notice it's an eye. It looks more like something quite different and quite unsuitable. Marj.

I liked the transformation scene to begin with, and the unpleasant "gift" the villain has given to the narrator. The stage is set for howling, bloodletting and family discoveries... I notice the concept of "kin" is very important to this story from the start.

P

Secrets book 1 Saving Ella
Fiction, Fantasy Werewolf 1st person

Darkly daring, this imaginative piece draws the reader into the story from the first word.

Writing a werewolf story in first person is a challenge, and this author pulls it off well. There were a few times that the "I trap" nearly sprung, but neatly sidestepping, the author manages to avoid the pit fall.

There were very few mechanical issues, and the writing style is unique and smooth.

IMO, some of the paragraphs were a little intimidating in terms of large bites. (pardon the pun). The book might benefit from breaking those big paragraphs into smaller ones.

The hooks are there, and the work is compelling and the voice is strong. The characters are well developed and belong to the story. Good job.

Raechel
Echo

Rachelle,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

I love the shot gun start. The way to create urgency not by leaving description aside.....

..... as so many writers do....

..... but by writing urgently

.....which is different

There is tension building all over in your start, made more by a dialogue that makes the reader feel as if he arrived late at the movie...

......no introduction, no explanatory note,

.....just the plot moving Ferrari like.

I also love the connective tissue you build within the narrative. How you use body language to add to the urgency....sometimes you writing is so poetic and woven it sounds like literary fiction, and that creates an immediate attachment to the characters by the part of the reader.

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

The problem here is that by chap 2 you continue with that style and that I think is a mistake.
For, you created the hook on chap 1, with all the urgency and lyricism that you could muster

Now in chap 2 stop and paint.

Take your time to properly describe place and then frame your characters inside the arch of the plot.

That is, get off the Ferrari, adorable....lol

Wonderful

David

Rachelle! Your story is as Gothic as I like it!!! I think this should not be a warning in your pitch, but a kind of invitation for all lovers of Gothic tales.
I loved immensely the way you wrote about the visions Wrath had on her way to the meeting room in chapter 1. Mystifying and gripping.
The names in the story are awesome: Ella, Asien, Jezebel, Lilith, Reaper, Obsidian and so on, even if some of them are not primary characters.
The ending of the first chapter is compelling and makes me wonder what happens next.
I didn’t even take any notice of some typos (which I usually do) because the story kept me focussed and craving for more.
The fight in Chapter 4 is so intense that it made me hold my breath. The choice of words is sublime.

You deserve full marks for the part I’ve read so far. I’m hankering for more of “Secrets – Book One”.

Ivan
The Beholder

Great stuff. Fast, furious, bloody and weird - just what the audience will love. I enjoyed it immensely. I like your main character and I like the crowd of misfits that she gathered around. I've read five chapters so far and have no real negatives. I enjoyed the story and the voice, and the pace, so well done.

That being so, I will just highlight a couple of points -some typos that its easy to miss in our own work when we've read it so often: Chapter 1 line 4 - did you mean 'his cloths' or did you mean to say clothes?
Chapter two - paragraph starting 'Yes, Ma'am, you've let some small i's creep in - 2 of them that should be I's.
Chapter 3 line 3 - 'Why didn't you tell me sooner1?' - don't think you wanted that 1 in there.

Otherwise - I round the start of chapter 2 - 'I woke up with a bit of a fright...' rather a let down. I'd wake up with a real fright, terror even. A bit of a fright suggests she saw a mouse or something. Make it stronger?
Lastly - I'm totally convinced by her voice telling the story, but really doubted she'd describer he own skin as 'ivory' - would you? it's also a tiny bit of a cliche.

That's it for the little niggles. A really great story that charges along full of guts and excitement, and a very popular topic right now. Wonderful read, thanks. Watchlisting you for now.
Cariad
STONES.

This is an excellent take on themes that have been overdone in the market. I could actually feel for your characters and found them to be relatable in todays world. The idea that this is a series makes it even more intriguing. I have read the entire upload so far and would loveto read a second book if you have it. Backed for sure!!

Liz
The Cheech Room

I finally finished what you've put on here, and I can't wait for you to add more or publish it and i can read it in book form. This is one of my favorite books on Authonomy. I love it. I'm keeping it on my shelf for as loong as I can ;D Keep on writing awesome =D

Prologue was very intriguing! I really liked the last sentence, particularly. But just as a general warning, most agents loathe prologues. So just be careful. But I think yours works here. :)

And be careful with your massive chunks of text. Maybe chop some of them down, they're pretty daunting to read.

Also .. I'm sorry, this is really nitpicky but I saw something that bothered me. In ch. 1 you say " . . . the uncanny assortment of creatures that I gathered here, who all looked to be so human. Their eyes said differently. I could see the anger, the fury, the tiredness, the fear."
I think anger, fury, tiredness, and fear are all pretty much human emotions . . .

Anyways, you've definitely got the workings of a popular book here, especially with the dark, creature dramas (vampire, werewolf, etc.) I really like your writing, too, it's very beautiful.

Best of luck!!
-Hannah

Great start. Will be back to read more. Backed
Nick
The Stone of Madness

Hi Rachelle-

I'm here to make good on our read swap - thanks for asking, by the way! First of all, let me say I love your book cover! It's very striking, and the simplicity of it makes for a nice thumbnail image. Great job!

Now, I'm not an expert in fantasy, so won't tinker with the storyline much - it wouldn't be at all beneficial to you! But I do like the premise and the characters you've drawn. Wrath's strength and resolve comes out clearly from the very start of the book. I've read your first three chapters, and have some edits that I hope you'll find helpful as you polish this piece...

Chapter 1 (Prologue):
Paragraph 1 - "and his cloths were" - should be clothes
P2 - This is a really long paragraph... I might consider chunking it into smaller pieces, especially for the YA audience. (File that in the "for what it's worth" category - it's totally your choice.) Also - "Where ever you go..." should be Wherever (one word)
P5 - canine's does not need an apostrophe, as it's not a possessive noun (should be canines, the plural form)

Chapter 2
P2 - "flicking on the shower" read funny to me... Flicking doesn't seem the right noun - perhaps turning on the shower?
P3 - The elipsis at the beginning looked strange to me / "reaccuring" needs to be spelled reoccuring / "comence" needs to be spelled commence / "Reopened them" probably would read better "Reopening them" / (in the second to last line) "it's wooden frame" does not need an apostrophe, as it is not a conjunction (but rather the possessive its)
P4 - "servents" should be spelled servants
P5 - Two different instances where your "I" is in lower case / "clip board" should be one word (clipboard)
P7 - I would spell out 7th (seventh), but that's your call
P8 - "physic" needs to be spelled physique
P9 - Check the spacing between the last period and the end quote
P10 - "much of people person" should be "much of a people person"
P14 - "definately" should be spelled definitely / also check the spacing between "current situation. "Alright, settle down..."
P21 - "aggitated" needs to be spelled agitated
P22 - another long paragraph / the sentence starting with "As you all know..." the words Others and Several need to be lower cased as they are not starting new sentences / "I made it to the otherside of..." other side is two words
Note: Nice hook at the end of this chapter!

Chapter 3:
P2 - there's a numeral 1 after "sooner" / also check the spacing after "teeth, fists tight..."
P9 - should read "need all we've got" (not we got)

That's all I found with regards to edits in the first part of this novel. It's sure to be a crowd-pleaser in the YA audience, with all the interesting characters and the drama that unfolds so quickly in the book. Great job! Thanks again for the swap!

Kim

Rachelle -
This is amazing! You have such a brilliant imagination to be able to come up with something as amazing as this. I would happily have this on my bookshelf at home, let alone on authonomy.
You start off your story amazingly - setting the scene for a gothic book. Your plot is captivating and your writing flows with talent. I love this!!! Your characters are well developed, and overall, AMAZING (as i seem to have said numerous times in this comment).
Backed with absolute pleasure
abi

I liked the opening and nice descriptions "..his silver hair danced in the wind" You have something with the characters and I can see this having wide appeal. Starred!

Best of luck, Claire

Awsome book, loved the names of your characters, they all seem like they are co-exsisting even though they arent the same breeds.

Straight into the action. Great tone of voice. There are a few grammatical issues, but the story is fast-paced and well put together. I like the everyday humour - werewolves eating too much raw meat when stressed - love it! Happy to give this high stars.

This is superb however I could not help feeling a little lost as I read on. I didn't understand where all the other powers came from, the other characters like the undead shade or the area (background) of the story. Maybe you explain later on. It would be nice to create that little bit of scenary and background knowledge so the reader has a base to fall back on and imagine your world more clearly.
Your writing style is very good and I look forward to reading more. Perhaps you could have a look at my manuscript.

Lesley-Ann (Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth)

Wow, this is really good. I read up to chapter 7, and I can't wait to finish the rest of it!!! It's incredible! I wish you the best of luck getting it published!! =D

Your manner of writing enchants me. I can't help reading such a beautifully written novel. The Prologue made me look forward to reading more. Ch 1 makes me thirsty for more. I will not give up on your book. Simply because I wish to find out what is there at the end.

good start, hard to sympathize with the character since since she's quite fresh, but still, it does make me want to find out just what the hell she would do do with her "gift"...will read more, only had time for the short prologue atm :(

Rachelle, sorry for the delay getting back to you after your revisions. I must say I am very intrigued about the story after the changes to the first chapter, it is cleaner, more fluid and gives it the urgency that I mentioned would help make the story flow better. I would still move the conversations in chapter one a bit just to break up the conversation and the diatribes in her head. But much, much better read now.

I hope you will take this into consideration, I would appreciate your opinion as well about my story as I have made some changes as well.

Keep writing,

Rionach Kerrians

SHOAN

Rachelle, sorry for the delay getting back to you after your revisions. I must say I am very intrigued about the story after the changes to the first chapter, it is cleaner, more fluid and gives it the urgency that I mentioned would help make the story flow better. I would still move the conversations in chapter one a bit just to break up the conversation and the diatribes in her head. But much, much better read now.

I hope you will take this into consideration, I would appreciate your opinion as well about my story as I have made some changes as well.

Keep writing,

Rionach Kerrians

SHOAN

I love the prologue. Need to work on your dialogue pucntuation/capitalization. This may help: http://rebecca-hamilton.com/?p=

You also may want to break things up a little more, to make it easier to read.

I rally loved the voice of you describing his characteristics, and then tossing on "and his clothes with Gothic Victorian" that had a great voice. be sure you keep that through your revisions.

xBeccaX

A cleverly imagined transformation opens this supernatural fantasy, followed by a meeting of a whole collection of strange people with even stranger abilities, gathered to help save Ella, who isn't quite what she seems. This has exactly the right 'voice' for the audience, and for a story that is populated by that incredible YA concept of centuries old teenagers. There's some stylish writing to go with the creative concepts packed into this novel. I can see it has been worked on with great care and attention to detail, so I've added my own suggestions below to help with the polishing process. I'll also give this a high star rating.

Possible nits: Pitch: 'big lot of trouble', could maybe be stronger phrase. Story: 'his tongue dancing behind his words' is a great image - leave it there - no need for 'like a serpent'. 'They all banned [banded] together'. Break up some of the longer paragraphs to make reading easier.

With first person, try to limit the number of 'I's, e.g. note this slight reworking: 'I woke with a bit of a fright, and looked around, but there was no one there. Glancing down at my body, I sighed with relief; I was still in human form.

Backed Secrets-Book One:To Save Ella with great pleasure. Rachelle, good job on the rewrites! We are very proud of you and your progress on Authonomy.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Thoughts on Chapter 2

While I like the opening paragraph of chapter 2 you might want to think about changing some of the words used: the repetition and word echo of flipping and flicking stuck out a bit. How about – “I pulled back red sheets off….”; “I flicked on the lights….”; “before turning on the shower” or “before splashing on the shower…” for example?

Also would someone describe their own skin as ivory? Would they be more likely to say “pale” or “white” or “pallid”?

The rest of the chapter is starting to flow well and, in my opinion, is a considerable improvement on the previous version. The roll call of characters now reads more like a natural progression of the text (although D.A. Darlington's comments are still worth considering) and the whole chapter holds together more than the earlier version did. It feels more natural, if that’s an appropriate word given the unnatural gathering.

A minor nit, you need to capitalize “I” when Wrath is referring to herself.

All in all, I feel chapter 2 has come on in leaps and bounds. I believe there is further scope for polishing, isn’t there always, but I am impressed by the vast improvement I have seen.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Howdy. Okay! Time for some critique.

Your prologue is fantastic. Brilliant pacing, throwing us right into the action as we see Wrath changing.
However, your first chapter... slips. Introducing so many characters at once is an information overload, and I counted /sixteen/ characters introduced all at once. Why? They're not all relevant right now, and whilst they might be attending the meeting, if it's only just to announce that Ella's in trouble, then why do they all need introducing?

The tension and the excitement from the prologue is lost almost immediately. If you must introduce so many characters in one chapter, spread them out over the course of the meeting. Introducing them in a big lump clogs the flow up and diverts our attention from the plot. There are a few minor errors in grammar and spelling, but nothing too major.

Overall - fantastic prologue, but I'm struggling to enjoy the first chapter. It needs some editing, but hey! It happens to us all.

Keep it up!
D. A. Darlington, 'The Coven'.

Hi,
I read the first three chapters. I would advise revisiting chapter two and removing a few adjectives; they clogged it up a bit. Other than that, good start.
Raquel

SECRETS.
I have now read the first three chapters and I have star rated your book. I enjoyed the story but there a few things you can do to make it truly excellent. IMHO I believe you need a bit more pace to engage the reader more. You have a great prologue and I enjoyed the introduction of Wrath. After here the pace fell away a little.
I think with a little editing you can hook the reader more and keep them wondering about what is to happen next. This shows a lot of promise.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Rachelle, I have to agree with Ian, I liked the prologue but one comment I would give about it is to separate the conversations. You have them rolling together have it so it says the comment from Wrath.

Then the comment from the other man. It will make it easier to follow.

Second the reason I agree with Ian is that the first chapter is long winded. I like that you want to introduce the characters and give explanations about each person but shorten it up a bit. It wanders on so that you just want to skip past to only see the dialogue. Here is a way that it could work if you wanted to try, do the roll call name, name, name, name explain about something that caught you about that one, then name, name, name, same thing. Comment about them again but make it trail into the last part about why they are gathered it will give an urgency and allow you to still intro them.

I hope you like the comment. I will keep reading, I am intrigued.

Rionach Kerrians

SHOAN

I have read the first three chapters and I hav rated your book. Although I enjoyed the story in itself, I thought that perhaps you could have made it a bit more pacy in order to draw the reader in more. As an example, you start well with the prologue and there is a menacing feel to the introduction of Wrath. Something to build upon, with your last line hook. However, I then felt the pace backed right off and the second chapter offering felt like a school roll call in a way, and I wasn't quite sure where we were going until the last paragraph.

Now this could all be because I like action, horror and thrillers and the breathless feel that suspense gives, but I think with a little revisit you could hook the reader more and keep them excited about what is to come. Hope this helps. I will keep on reading.

As before, an interesting premise. The changes have improved the language, but there are still issues to be tackled. For example:

Chapter 1 – “His clothes were a gothic Victorian” should read “His clothes were gothic Victorian”

Chapter 2 – “They’re all banned together..” should probably read “They’ve all banded together…”

Other things you might want to think about:

Use of descriptive language – how to make it vivid without making it florid;

Is the roll call in Chapter 2 too long and repetitive? How else might you introduce your characters and introduce some variety into the text?

Good luck with the ongoing work on this.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

I think this is a will written book, your characters are believable. It sucks that they don't like what they are. :)
If I was like them, boy, oh boy... Good thing I am not. All in all I like it.

Jay

:)

Jay

Hi, over as promised. There's a lot to like here - you've clearly got bags of imagination and the potential to write really well. I worried that you rely on cliches a fair bit - check that your choice of phrase is as fresh as it can be (tall, dark and handsome for example is just too hackneyed, even if you use it tongue in cheek!).
I also felt you introduced us to too many characters up front. I got a bit dizzy with the introductions! I think we need to get a real handle on Wrath - and her relationship with her sister upfront. So maybe think about some scenes that show their relationship nearer the beginning maybe?
I'm no expert, these are just the thoughts that went through my head as I read....
You've picked a tricky market - lots of competition with books dealing with werewolves and vampires - so it has to be very fresh and original. What makes YOUR werewolves and vampires different? Think about the uniqueness of your story. Make your characters as real and human as possible (yes, even the inhuman ones!)...
I do think you can do it; just that it needs some finessing right now. jx

Great read,well written,believable characters.Left open to write a series of books.Look forward to reading more of your books.

Carrol.

Hi Rachelle, I'm sorry I only had time to read chapter one. It's very short but i have made some notes which I hope helps you when you edit.
First if all the transformation scene is pretty cool and you manage to create plenty of malice and tension.
'tall, dark and handsome has become a very cliched and over-used expression -- I'dd re-think it.
You follow it with dark eyes -- a little repetitive after tall, dark and handsome.'...his lips twisted in ways I never imagined lips could form...' I tried to imagine this and found it was rather comic. Did you intend that?
The usual punctuation for speech is

"You're changing," he said cooly. (cooly --do you need to use this adverb? Maybe try to show his coolness without spelling it out)

Chilling last line.

Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

I love fantasy stuff and this kind of thing is right up my alley! Keep up the good work.

Laura Freeman
Writers on the Storm

Wow, I went into this fully intending to be methodical and give you some crits but I got too caught up in the story! You hook us with intrigue and action right away, I couldn't help but continue on. I hope you upload more soon too. Wrath is a great character, strong and loyal. Your writing style really impressed me too, it's got the right amount of everything; not too much info dump or too much dialogue. I think you've got a great thing going here. Just waiting for more....

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Dark awesome and damned good! Powerful read for fantasy lovers and you do not disappoint.


Para1 Cloths should be clothes
remove that before wasn't my own
remove the in the blood trickled down my lower lip

best

Superior example of a popular genre. :)

Rachelle,
SECRETS-BOOK ONE: TO SAVE ELLA is an imaginative werewolf tale with a terrifying prologue and an enthralling plot. The mystery and intrigue of the book shines in the synopsis which draws the reader in. Backed with pleasure.

The prologue is haunting. It reminds me of some scene about a sadist as his effect on a victim. "No one asked for it, Love." You have to submit to my control. The first chapter with Wrath being together a number of non-humans to help her out is very well done. The ending is a good hook to make the reader want to see where this is going: "Ella is the one they are searching for. The worst part is, they've found her, and she is in big, big trouble." I have to know the trouble and if they will be able to help her before it's too late. I'm glad you uploaded the complete text . I can come back when I get a little more time. Backed for now.

Rach, Interesting cover. Where did you get the idea?
CC Brown
Dark Side

This is very promising, and you seem to have avoided most of the new writer’s pitfalls. But beware of cliques, and overwriting.
You don’t have to say his voice oozed evil, that’s telling. By his actions and words, you show us the evil. Another one that stood out was - to this name there was no answer.
The golden rule is don’t use more words than you need.
I’m backing this to move it down the line. Good luck with it.

Let me first introduce myself, my name is Casey Q. Reeves and have been writing for one book (accumulative) for 5-6yrs now. From what I have read, your book has great substance and shows allot of good characteristics that allot of readers look for in the type of format that you derive your book from. You give descriptions of your characters and what they are doing in ways that I feel will keep your readers asking for more. You are a promising writer, and from one to another I say good luck.

SECRETS-BOOK ONE:TO SAVE ELLA-Rachell Typaldos
hullo Rachell. This is an interesting story in how you chose for it to begin. it is also refreshing for your to illustrate Gerald as 'his breath smelled of blood and decay." instead of going with the usual romanticised verson. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Wrath. I also like your use of the first person narrative voice. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

An interesting premise, i like the way you introduce the characters in chapter two calling out their names. I also liked some of the names and characteristics. This has potential and you have a great foundation. I am still learning on this site and my advice would be to take note of the constructive comments and work on it a little at a time. Also take note of the many positive aspects such as the dialogue is good, the lead character is the right age, you have hit a hot topic etc. You can certainly write and this site is so useful for feedback. My daughter would love this book.

Good luck and of course backed,

Lisa