Walking With Angels

Hey everyone!! If you have been waiting on more of my book you can actually find it on barnes and noble and amazon!,!! Check it out if you want!!

A good start, though I found the font distracting. Zoey screaming when she woke in the room jarred a bit. I can see her getting tense and apprehensive but not screaming.
But overall well done.

Love your opening. Very nice... Backed.

Please take a look at "No Do Overs ... and other truths".

Thanks!
Carla Marie

Your opening line hooked me. This is a well woven, brilliantly detailed science fiction tale. Clearly delineated characters. Rich descriptions. Lively dialogue. Great conflict/tension. Thrilling storyline. Only one nit: '... running away from the people that called that place an orphanage.' The first 'that' should be 'who.' Other than that, this is good writing. A fast paced, intense read. Backed.

Lanaya,
Walking with Angels is a harrowing account which is sure to appeal to young readers. Backed with pleasure.

Lanaya,

Good, dramatic start. I confess, my old eyes find the font hard to read on screen, but the initial drama is strong.

I think you may have a missing word:

It felt funny to hear my made up [name?] comming from these people.

Another possible typo:

I was just about a [a]sleep when I felt someone put a jacket over me.

The dialogue between Chad and Juliette/Zoey is good. You have the odd missing comma though, for example:

'Well[,] my name is Chad . . .'

and

'Well[,] I brought you here[,] silly'

And watch out for starting too many lines of dialogue with 'well'.

Looks like you have a good story here, but I a bit of a tidy up is required.

Backed for its potential.

Dear Lanaya
Walking with Angels is a most remarkable story..... With powerful pros and a heart wrenching story it has the makings of a best seller. I commend you on your fine work and wish you much success.
Backed with utmost confidence and pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

The teality behind this story is a harsh one. The notion of a child being without its parents and then ending up in a place in which it is safe only in name is a great sadness, And it is a reality for many, many children. And I need not say how much worse ti is when the orphanage is run by religious people who abust their trust. Shame on them. I don't think I cld read this story. it is just not my sort of story. But I strongly feel that it might be best aimed at young adults.

I like this...just a couple quick things to take a look at. First, the typeface...very stylistic, but it won't get past the agents and publishers and some will find it difficult to read. Secondly, some of the dialogue didn't feel quite honest. Your narrative comes across solid, be certain that your dialogue matches.

Good read!

Lockjaw

Lanaya, I've read what you've posted so far and like what you're doing, so I'm going to keep it on my watch list. It reads like a first draft, but that's okay. I know that a writer needs to capture the story that's filling her head before going back to polish it up. I want to see more of where you are going with it before I comment further. Jim

Hi Lanaya,
I'm thoroughly enjoying your story so far. Juliette is a very likable MC and you are consistent with her voice. Her dilemma is well described.
I made a few notes(feel free to ignore)
What out for adverbial use -- often unnecessary.
I suggest you change some passive verbs to active (I had gotten caught by the police -- I was caught by the police)
'It felt funny to hear my made up (name) coming from these people.'
"Just let time run its course," he said
I'd change the font to courier or TNR -- most publishers will only read these fonts.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Hi Lanaya,
I'm thoroughly enjoying your story so far. Juliette is a very likable MC and you are consistent with her voice. Her dilemma is well described.
I made a few notes(feel free to ignore)
What out for adverbial use -- often unnecessary.
I suggest you change some passive verbs to active (I had gotten caught by the police -- I was caught by the police)
'It felt funny to hear my made up (name) coming from these people.'
"Just let time run its course," he said
I'd change the font to courier or TNR -- most publishers will only read these fonts.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

this was very good and i enjoyed reading it. you have a strong voice, though the narrative reads a little too passive at times. my main concern is that you have such an unusaul font. it gets a little tedious after a while. i think a regular typing font will get you better results on this site. plus a regular font (roman) looks more professional to the editor's that browse here. all and all your story is compelling and kept me turning the page. your character is interesting and well developed. goodluck with your manuscript i wish you the best of luck.


blueboy
(The Age of Rhinestone)

oxox

heyy thanks everyone.... i'm not really used to this webste so bear with me if i dnt write to everyone right...... i do plan on reading everyone's stories and most likely backing them..... i''m just trying to focus on schooland my book but i will definitely find the time..... thanks for backing my book and putting it on your watchlist!! it is highly appreciated and i'm glad!!!
XOXO nayabaya

This is pretty intense. Your main character finds herself in an impossible situation. Sure, she escaped the orphanage but wound up in a situation that is almost worse in certain aspects. The voice is great, it makes me really like Juliette, I hope things start to turn around for her. You had me feeling what she felt. Interesting characters too. I really like the fantasy/sci-fi elements you're mixing into this, kicks the excitement out a notch.

I noticed towards the beginning, she she wakes up at Chad's and they're talking. You start 3 paragraphs/dialogues with 'well'. You could either take a couple of those off completely or use a 'so' for one and remove one. And, when you use words like 'well' or 'hey' use a comma after it. Example; Hey, what's up? Well, are you coming? It just makes it read a little better. Let me know if you want some help editing, I'd be more than happy to help (it's what we're here for right?)

Missy

hello there Lanaya
I'm delighted to back and check out
Juliette's story
sorry I can't do reviews this month
best of luck........ mikegilli

Poor girl. I feel for her right away. I want her to get free, but I wonder what will become of her. Strange creatures, of course. I like it. I'm putting it on my backed list.

Check mine out as well, Satan's Daughter Goes to Pittsburgh. It's funner, but not as meaningful as yours.

Keep up the good work.

BACKED

15 September 2010

Walking with Angels excels in getting into the character of an abused child and has captured the 'voice' to a T. The prose is couched at just the right level to exhibit the fear, apprehension but also the determination of the narrator to find solace away from the cruel confines of the home. The disillusionment that follows as the plot develops makes for thought provoking reading. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Good voice in this story. It's captivating.

You need to edit your work, but the story is promising. A few nits at random:
In the para starting: Zoey Where are you, there's a missing full stop. After that: It felt funny to hear my made up (missing word) - name?
It also went with the deep blue eyes I had. What about: It also went with my deep blue eyes.
I fell over something that was on the floor. I tripped over something on the floor.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Walking With Angels

Lanaya Pickett

Both the plot and writing have potential. With a little editing you could really make this shiine (for me the less creative part of the trade so I need to go back and edit as well - never-ending it is). I found Julliette easy to warm to and was happy to support you with my backing. Best with it.

Certainly intriguing, I will be back to read more. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Juliette. I also really like your use of the first person narrative voice. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

An intriguing start and the running away comes across as authentic. I wanted to know more why Chad's eyes turned black and what was going to happen to Zoey.

A good foundation that may need small edits, backed and i hope you post more up.

Best,

Lisa

Hi Lanaya



Pitch

Juliette Somers never thought her life would be any crazier than it was....(typo)

Juliette Somers never thought her life would be any crazier than it (already) was.

He bribes her to stay with him and his other siblings and she falls . . . . this wasn’t clear to me . . . she falls?) It sounds like an unfinished sentence.

In chapter one, I think you should name the Orphanage as Zoey is running away, instead of saying ‘that place’ . This would make the reader feel immediate grounded by knowing exactly where you were. I liked that your dialogue did as much to enhance plot development as the narrative. I enjoyed the read. Although I will admit I found the ‘font’ quite hard on the eyes. Best of luck with this.....Shelved with pleasure.
Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley - I hope you enjoy it

Walking with angels,
A well written story, good dialogue too
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Vivid writing, Lanaya, would be interested to read more.
Vall
Midwyf

Yes, life can always get crazier. "You deserve to be free!" That's a lot more positive than "Get back here you worthless rat!" I don't understand when you wrote "It felt funny to hear my made up coming from these people. At the end of the paragraph you wrote that "the name I was truly given was Juliette Zoey Somers." So, what was wrong with "Zoey, where are you?"

This is a pretty bizarre story. She starts living with five boys in their house, and it appears things are going to be a little kinky. Someone has some unusual powers. I'd be interested if you would upload a little more. You do have a few places that need some editing, but overall, it's an intriguing read and I'd like to see where it's going. Backed for now.

Hi Lanaya, placing your book on my watchlist. Interesting!

blessings,
jim

Dear Lanaya

I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. such talent you have to create a compelling read for me. I also believe your long pitch sells your book well. I do wish to be part of your climb to the top on this site. CONGRATS and I will comment more as I read more.

Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK also

The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
Denise
The Letter

Starts a little weak but comes around by the end. Backed.

thanks everybody!!!! i'm actually edtiting the book as we speak so i will definitely be posting rewrite and some more if i can..... thanks very much

Hi Lanaya, check the error in your long pitch.....her Mom lefter her at......?
Also an error.....It felt funny to hear my made up (name?) coming from these people....
Your story will be fine after you have edited as there are a few mistakes which everyone makes at first.
The book has potential and I back it.SHELVED.

Please take a look at my 1st book The Secrets Of The Forest - The Time Zone, I would be very pleased.

regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - Series)

Dear Lanaya, I love that I'm not in this story :) - I'd be scared to death. Your pitch, tight dialogue & paragraph all made me keep reading & I have one more thing to be thankful for :) - that this will never happen to me. :) Great write. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoir book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

There is something more you need to tell what causes Jacque and the other guy quittted looking for Zoey. The darkness is not enough, I thing, especially when a girl is running away from the orphanage.
You beginning is very good, but if you can change the font it will look better. This fond is hard to read.
I enjoy reading the next chapter if you upload some more.

This is my kind of read - a book I'd buy so I'm backing it.

liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle