Invisible Fathers

I read this one time before, I looked through your comments, but did't see one from me. I recall the God smells of piss bit, but the rest of it is different, better, much better. You've done a great job. Original and Fresh.
One typo in 1 - Not a Church like we'd have like[d]

Best
Bill
Haktaw Heart

Wow original as hell, nice read, full of fantastic imagry and what a powerful idea. really like what ive read so far and will finish reading the chapters posted.

Positively brimming with pent up emotion. I like the premise of this. And God smelling of piss ignites my interest ..

I'll be reading on.

Jon

Nice work. Highly rated. Easy to read!
Monicque
The Multiple Choice.

That ***** in the other review about yours being a writers story ... none of it matters. Your writing is meaningful to me, dude. I found ,myself responding, reacting to your words. The response might not always be good n blissful, but I was engaged. I started thinking. Am I god? Do I smell of piss? Am I over 50? Does it matter? No, of course it doesn't. Does anything? Especially all those together folk with nice orderly, neat minds. But perhaps that is what art is about. We are all stuck in life for better or worse. So anything that distracts us, shakes us up, even for a moment, washes its face. The notion of blitzing 150 churches is a bit limited. But the nature of derrangement is not exactly some corporate master plan. So why not start with 150? Who knows what might spring from it? Madness doesn't care about its limitations as it doesn't see them. The notion of the waitress only being interested for the sake of a tip shows how limited most rational walking around normal folk are. So pass me a molatov! Here's to the refreshing smell of petroleum spirit in writing which dares.

Invisible Fathers 1-10.

I love this!. It's been a long time since I read 10 chapters of something on here purely for pleasure.

Straight off, there's musicality in the writing. There's audacity. Chutzpah. The opening makes me think of Beckett and, if I think about it, the echoes continue. There's an understanding of Joyce too, in the way you present flashbacks in fragmentations - of language and of image.

The storytelling is intriguing in that you seem to create layers of suspense, not so much by building as by removing assumptions, to gradually reveal - an enigma, an absence. A God who is not the poor old tramp he appears to be, and a young man who seriously doubts, and yet follows him. Even the mole, the Judas doesn't exist, or does he?

At first I wanted a sense of place, until I saw you building the intellectual and metaphorical space, and I no longer missed or needed it.

So, what's wrong with it ? I think nothing that reworking the opening chapters can't put right. From ch.4, you seem to get into your stride in terms of pacing and of stylistics. You're one of those writers that makes a virtue of comma splices and once you relax into it and let yourself play with it, it works beautifully. I love it. But the early sections are a bit stilted by comparison, with not much variation in sentence length. Except you have-'freezing drinking tea watching him waiting for his cappuccino to cool...' Strictly, there should be several commas in there, but it works so well as it is that I want to shout - take all of them out and put back only those that are necessary.
In ch.7 where the boy has killed his father and talks to the telephone operator, then the mother appears,- there it's very moving and you let the great long sentences roll because you're invested in the characters. You need to spread that investment around a bit more, I think. I don't know if it would work for you, but I did my last rewrite (the 6th) by starting in the middle and working back to the beginning. It helped coming to the opening chs. from a different place.

There's a POV slip in ch. 1 - 'he recalled' - you'll need to say' he recalled to me' to avoid that.
Must go. Will read all you've posted with pleasure.

Everything the guy below wrote is claptrap. I found the first chapter riveting and stylish.

This is such an interesting concept,burning churches. You excell at it :)

I just stumbled onto this one....glad I did. You have hooks all over the first chapter. Good dialogue. Fast pace. Interesting story for sure. The pitch is what hooked me though. What a great concept. The style of prose doesn't get all sticky with over descripton...nicely done! I've said this only a few times...this is a book I'd buy.

The stuff I liked...

Helping mom get off the bus
The cappuccino
Smelled like piss


Cheers,
Dwayne

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engrossing start. A sympathetic main character. Good deep point of view. Good details. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'It's embarrassing' she says. Comma after 'embarrassing.' 'She says' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). There are many more cases of dialogue followed by a dialogue tag where the last sentence of dialogue isn't punctuated, and should be.
2) 'We're done.' he says. Comma after 'done.' 'He says' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).
3) 'Did you cry when they touched you', he said. Punctuation goes inside the closing quote mark and it should be a question mark. There are more cases where punctuation is outside the final quote mark when it should be inside the quote mark.
4) 'When they ask you why you did it, what will you tell them?' he says Period after 'says.'
5) ' ... and I go home to my mothers.' Mothers (plural) should be mother's (possessive). There are more cases where you use the plural form when the possessive form is appropriate,
6) 'You've got mine, don't you man?' Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue and don't offset their name or title with commas.
7) 'Benny only became an alter boy because he liked the bell ... ' 'Alter' should be 'altar.'
8) ' ... he wanted to be the one that got to ring it.' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
9) 'There's stain glass windows ...' 'Stain' should be 'stained.'

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a fabulous day.

Al

i backed it, i like the idea of bringing the psychological and the spiritual together, and i like it when one does it in a modern setting without crossing over into a magical kingdom through a space time doorway in his backyard, taking appropriate action in a world that has divorced action and motive is also a theme and i like that too, i confess I only read the first few entries, the style is plain, almost deadpan, and though it makes for great humor, it can become repetitive and i think you might lose readers after the first couple chapters if the plot doesn't throw some interesting curve balls or readers can't identify more with the characters, i think though if you are staying true to the where the story brings you, kind of a little bit about writing is all about i guess, it will do fine, right now i don't know if i will get back to you piece, but i am backing it becuase it is down home imaginative, i hope you look at one of my pieces "ghost dance" or "crow diary"

Great pace. I love the first person, it really let's you get on with things. Read Ch2 and 3. In 3 the description of his relationship with his child pulled me up because it was new information and felt real. It may well be for all I know but it felt for a moment like the narrator had let his guard down and the author was there, like the wizard of Oz at the end when he's exposed behind the curtain. If that was your intention it worked. No problem with it just an observation.

Great style, so easy to read the flow is brilliant. I am puzzled I don’t know who, what, when or why but I am totally relaxed and confident that all will be revealed. That is good writing. (tiny typo ( Benny’s off the mark --- we have to walk a long (guess you want way in there and stain glass windows I think is actually stained glass as in coloured glass – Not nit picking here this is far too good for that just trying to be helpful, I know how hard it is to see your own typos)

The premise is fascinating and it all seems to make some sort of senseless/sense I am very impressed by this and loving it.

There is a tiny bit of editing needed – drank instead of drunk etc but all in all this is pretty good in my very humble opinion.

I love the drip feed way that this is developing and the author is filling in background. Yes all in all I am very impressed and looking forward to seeing this published so I can buy a copy and read it properly. Putting it on my shelf. At first I intended to queue it if it was good but this is too good to queue. - Diane

Nice work. Will hit all the publishers hot buttons I'm sure. Surprised it is still up.
Norton

You have missing punctuation, irregular use of white space, peculiar indentation, and long, overdrawn paragraphs. And I love it, all of it. This is the magical spot where art and voice win out over punctuation and grammar. There are a few errors which you actually should correct (for example, sausage meat being called "meet" in chapter 2), but overall I just let the words flow over me and was lost in them. This is beautiful.

God wants 12 men to burn down churches-how Biblically ironic. Do all of these churches have pedophile priests? Loved it!!!!!!! Holy revenge. 6 stars
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

Read the first few chapters. Very good! I think it could do with a good editor, but the energy and pace of it makes it very easy to read. I can see why people have labelled it "brave", but I think this could be something very good. I don't have the technical expertise to comment any further, but suffice to say that there is the basis of an excellent read here. Well done!

Very brief but compelling intro. You have my full attention. Backed and will read shortly. A return read would be greatly appreciated.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

Hi Pete

I've read five chapters and will come back for more. Hopefully that's a good sign. It's a fast read, leads the reader on from chapter to chapter, and I like what I assume is the concept.

Minor criticisms only so far:

- Love and Hat is played out. I don't know who did it first but it's been around a long time. Since the 80s at least. Of course having the finger cut off deliberately is different but all the same it made me kinda sigh. If this is going to work for me (and I may not be your typical reader) it needs to be a more knowing, ironic, almost meta-joke.

- I personally don't like the increasing indentation you use from time to time

- The occasional long paragraph seems out of place, like hitting a speed bumpy at 60mph. I'd consider breaking them up.

My favourite bit so far? Using the Bible as a counterweight. If he was killed, someone might get the wrong idea.

Hope this helps. And like de Gaulle, I shall return.

Evie

Hi Pete,

Good, brave piece of writing. Not sure I can believe the main character, he just seems too gullible. He says in the first chapter that he knows God is lying but he still goes along with him. I understand, in part, why he would but I think there is something missing.
Not-with-statnding, I persevered and actually got hooked.
Invisible Fathers is backed and on my WL.

Phil

Pete,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

You have been seating on my swap list for a while, so sorry for the delay. Sometime life gets in the way.

Okay, I am going to leave the accolades even though there is plenty to praise, because you said in your bio, you didn't want them

Just the critique..

.....so I don't want to offend you by praising your work...lol

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

The dialogue has that metaphysical bordering on the absurd quality that makes the reader wonder about the nature of communication.

Like a Beckett's play.

Nothing wrong with that. However, it does feels too much like a play.

and is not...

......is a novel

More specifically there are 2 things missing.

First a sense of place. I understand your taste for the minimalist esthetic and your desire to, like Updike would say....

......, write yourself out of the page....lol.

But a line here and there that would provide the reader with the image that opens up a scene...

...would definitely help

Then the second interconnected problem is the lack of connective tissue during the dialogue.

This people should have body language that keeps the image alive (i.e.. you know, the one you forgot to place in there, in the first place?)

.....for there is difference between reading dialogue......

.......and picturing characters interact with the world

Finally,

"a shitty(1) little(2) thing(3)" "fresh(1) milky(2) white(3)"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

after all if you are going be a minimalist.....be one....lol

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful....upphsss ......I am sorry...I didn't meant to....is just I can't help myself....lol

david

The pace of this isn't perfect -- but so what ? To compensate, it has that elusive quality: Voice.

Backed.

(Based on what I've read so far, which is chapters 1-4)

This is a brave piece of writing. Really original concept bound to entertain and offend in equal measure. I've really enjoyed what I've read so far. The voice is so downbeat and the humour so dry. Magic. Really want to see where this goes.

A few points on chapter 1
-It took me a wee while to get into it. The opening paragraph is really good but it didn't feel like it belonged with the rest of the chapter. I figured you could have it on its own as a short scene to draw the reader in then the rest as a separate chapter. I started to get engrossed around the time Benny made his appearence.

-The Love-Hat bit is good but I'm sure I've heard Peter Kay do it in his stand-up.

One point on chapter 3
-A few of the longer paragraphs I felt could have been broken down a wee bit, especially where there was a change of scene within them. They weren't a major problem but it did leave me a wee bit disorientated. Liked the short, punchy sentences there though.

All the best with this. It's some work of the imagination.

Ross

INVISIBLE FATHERS
How do I ... know... thee? Is it the inevitable humor of God's manifestation? The shock of your betrayal of Christian appropriateness and God's demands? The symbolism of the relationships, the weak and the strong, the judgemental and the submissive? Or the social statement about man's interpretation of Christian dogma in organized religion? In any and all ways, you have a gem that requires setting aside socially acceptable predetermined images of faith and allowing yourself to experience this darkness. Worthy submission.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

Invisible Fathers

COVER: I like it for a start...wish it didn't feel cut off, and that it had a title added...but its good for Authonomy. Let me know if I can alter it some for you.
TITLE: GOOD
SHORT PITCH: v good
LONG PITCH: I like it, think its just long enough and makes me want to read... but am afraid...as much as this is attractive...it will have too much of a "message" for my tastes...hope I'm wrong.
TEXT: Damn. I love that opening. I'm lame at crit but aren't there a few commas missing from that "I'll sit there freezing" sentence?
Greg? Her name is Peggy in BULB.
Really like the chopped finger hat bit.
cherry popped...sweet.
the whole set up is excellent.
I love to dance with sexy revenge, hokey pokey.
Hm...this is starting to read like you don't really care about it. Sorry. It's just a bit sloppy in places and makes me wonder how serious you take it. maybe it doesn't matter...maybe just typing out the story matters and then its done and your done...but then...youre here. big paragraphs that could be two or three...etc
By end of three...I'm hoping for something to start rolling...and that there won't be too much "getting to know every abused character before the fun gets going"
I like the Judas addition...good. but its all starting to be too depressing. I need a laugh or two. Maybe folks use http://www.uglypeople.se/ as their homepage but I'm not one of them.
Gah...and then by the end of 5...I'm reallly wanting the story to take off but its about Morrow...and more sad business. I mean I get it, its all sad business but its not gripping me like a good thriller should. sorry.
I need another explosion, more fire please.
Best of luck with this though and know that I really like your style ...great potential...
let me know if I can help you out with the cover.
-=Bradley

I have this recurring fantasy where I somehow start my own publishing house, then swoop overhead like a great big publisher of death. Authonomists run screaming, but not all of them can escape; I gather up several in my talons, then we fly away to a better place where we all get published. Your book would be one of the first I'd like to work with, if this was the case. I hope Harper Collins isn't reading this review, but I do hope they are reading your work. It's got energy, grit and moves along at a terrific pace; a great example of present tense narrative. The piss-stained god and poor Benny's abuse give the narrator and his friend all the ammunition they need to burn down the house; was "Benny" a reference to Benedict XVI? Anyway, a fine piece of work that made me forget I was looking at prose for review on Authonomy, allowing me to get right into the flow of it. Deserves recognition and a shot at a deal.

Pat

Read the first two chapters. Superior concept. May need some editing fix-ups but does not detract from the energy of the piece. Bravo!

It’s an odd experience reading here because you know when you start anything that you’re not going to finish it so it isn’t like reading a real book. I’m not really interested in “stories” – which is what most of the books here are. It’s a bit like judging an endless array of suburban gardens – how well manicured are the arrangements of shrubbery, how pleasing are the contrasts of colour in the flowerbeds? Few of them though are anywhere one would even want to spend an afternoon. So consequently I tend to focus on style – and shelve the books that make me jealous. I’ve no idea if Invisible fathers is a good novel - because I haven't read enough of it to know if its architecture is sound - but it’s certainly exciting in terms of its voice, subject matter and choreography of language.

First off: this is right up my alley -- but from reading my book, you already know that.

The style is great -- at first. But by chapter 5, I found myself distracted, skimming, yawning. I wanted to skip to the next patch of dialogue. The actual narration sequences are unpolished, dry, and fairly sloppy. I find myself doing too much of the work to make it all coherent. This can all be cleaned up with appropriate commas and periods and the like, so it's not a big deal. I'm not trying to be harsh; this is actually an extremely easy fix. And the book will be better for it. It just needs more snap.

So, this is a revenge tale...And they're burning down churches -- once a year? Just one church a year? I can't really figure out how often these acts of arson are happening -- Sorry if I missed that somewhere. I just got the feeling of 'being in the middle' of something, when, in reality, there would be so much downtime. Am I wrong? Let me know if I am, and I'll re-read.

I must admit, my little boy was using me like a jungle gym while I read this -- on a computer monitor. This book is one shining example of why e-reading blows. Put this in a paperback, let me turn the pages, let me peripherally see the story coming instead of constantly clicking downward, and you have a whole different experience.

It's on my shelf, and I'll continue to read. I'm a bit slow, I'm afraid. But I DO like this, in case I failed to mention that.

=Brandt=

Chapter Seven--you have they pictures instead of the pictures.

Still reading.

I read the first two chapters so far. What's wrong with the book you want to know...nothing that I can find! There is something there that makes me want to read on..and in fact that is what I plan to do.
Sue

Ch 6
I liked the way this showed the deepening relationship between God and the narrator and gives more backstory about the narrator. Few minor points :-

12.03 - doesn't have any significance when talking about dates but it does if it refers to the time of death.
"hording my men" - do you mean hoarding? If so, I don't understand the sentence.
"It's not your decision though" - if he is God then it is his decision, isn't it? I'd suggest staying longer with this dilemma.
"oh behave yourself" - this seemed out of character
towards the end there were several lines of dialogue and I got lost as to who was speaking. perhaps break it up with narrative or add couple of God saids

Auth Ch. 8:
You start off this chapter very uneasy. He's been arrested for child porn and all the tender little scenes with his daughter (on his lap in the bus, the reference to baths) are mocking you - just maybe. That sets you up for the conversation between him and God about fear, "Fear only exists because we believe in the future".
Then the "kill' scene: "Now I'm standing over Nicky, the gun in my hand and three faces looking towards me and with God on my right shoulder". That is a diamond of a line - works on more than one level. And tiny touches of black human humour, "rich guys don't get dandruff" (love that).

It starts like Waiting for Godo, moves into Reservoir Dogs then sneaks around Fight Club. Comparisons aside I like this a lot. When the mole hits things pick up. Perhaps I want the pace to pick up a little earlier or maybe I think that because I have had a bad day. Can't fault the writing, the scenes are tight and varied, the tension mounts. I am a slow starter with books, I get a little way in then stop, leave it a week or so then really get wrapped in. I'm doing the same here so the fact I've stopped at chapter four says nothing about your book. If I'd bought it I know it would grow on me. Shelved. And liked, and yes I very much want to know who they are going to hit first if the cops don't move in. Jack.

Your writing is unique and gives an insight into people who have been abused in one way or another. The narrator's tenderness with his daughter is powerful.

My comments on Ch5 are:
"Our lies, their lies and therein lies the story" - this gag didn't quite work for me, although it was clever.

"I'm not forming a fucking support group" - not clear who is speaking, as earlier the dialogue alternates between Benny and narrator.

When you switch from "A sucker is born every minute," to the conversation with God, it's not clear that the location has changed too, so drinking cappuccino comes as a surprise

foam has rust a dirty crust on the rim - not sure what this means

The typos and sentence construction started to slow down my reading. I had to read the paragraph beginning, "I've the gun packed into my coat," a couple of times. Could just be me.

Hope this helps.

Unusual and drew me in from the start. Lots of dark humour and a lively narrator. I've only read the first three chapters so far and my comments are based on those.

Apart from minor typos (alter for altar boy and sausage meet for meat), I'm not sure the grammar needs to change. I know that often a comma is used instead of a full stop but this adds to the character of the narrator, instead of detracting from it. As with the language in Trainspotting.

My main query is with the sentence : "Three months after that, the Vatican renounced the whole idea."
This is a big issue and needs more detail.

Directed to this one by James' thread and am glad I came. This is really my sort of thing - lean, dry, some lovely black humour and yet an underlying darkness and sense that things are building up into something much bigger than it initially seems with the small group of disparate souls burning local churches. I read four chapters and will come back to read more.

Others have, I see, mentioned nitpicks in typos and punctuation etc. Beyond that I was enjoying the read too much to be able to offer any useful crit but should anything occur when I read the other chapters, I'll comment further at that point.

~ Sandie

I like the concept. I like the spare, economical prose. This looks like it's headed somewhere (in the literary sense--not the HC sense). Nice job.

Rob

Chs 6 & 7
Straight on from the previous very tense chapter - this is clever because you go back in time but there is no let up in the pace.
'You're just broken, different, fit for pity and attempted understanding' - the 13 year old boy who murdered his father. You're very good at writing teenage boys (the boy in the last chapter crying onto his desk, defensive jeers) - we go right back with him. Then the talk with God over the whisky - like very good theatre.
In the next chapter we get him killing his father - direct, vivid writing, 'all his vowels are spit blood red' and the last line, 'Fucking a kid's not always the worst thing you can do to them, God had told me early on, you've no reason to feel excluded'. There's a line too when he's arrested on suspicion of child porn, 'I know somehow that God has something to do with this' which is (although straight plot development too) somehow very very sad.

Nits messaged

Chs 4 & 5

In Ch 4 an unwrapping of his relationships with his ex partner, 'she's a good girl, her mother I mean, but she's a bitch really' and with his daughter, 'I tell her not to tell her mother and wipe her creamy smile gently away'.

Ch 5 gets very tense - 'I never fooled him not for a second' then God, 'I never fooled you for a second'. Lies everywhere and we don't know how many the narrator is telling us.
More wonderful lines like 'God laughed when i showed him what I had settled upon and applauded my irony.' and 'Morrow threads his key through the eye of a needle and into the lock'.

Nits messaged.

I'm impressed. Strong voice, distinctive prose, original story line.

It would benefit from a bit of an edit to weed out the odd punctuation and grammatical quirk, but that's minor in the scheme of things. This is a very interesting read.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Ch. 3:
He loves his little girl and the tenderness is almost shocking in his misery drenched life. More great lines -
'his brain is chasing his tongue and can't keep up'
'I'm dying in here [Call Centre] ever so slowly'
'God couldn't put this altogether on his own...fucker's got spies'.

Messaging you a couple of nits.

Ch. 2 :
This is just so very good.


'Someone's broken the rules,' says God (as he so often does).
'God's pissed off'.
The dark, real strength of the story of the limbo child 'They came clean and told everyone it was just something they'd made up'.
The brotherhood between the 12 (of course) men formed by shared secrets.

I'm messaging you a couple of nits.

Ch. 2 :
This is just so very good.


'Someone's broken the rules,' says God (as he so often does).
'God's pissed off'.
The dark, real strength of the story of the limbo child 'They came clean and told everyone it was just something they'd made up'.
The brotherhood between the 12 (of course) men formed by shared secrets.

I'm messaging you a couple of nits.

I see others have mentioned Jamesmac - I just happened to be revisiting his profile and then looked on his shelf and your book caught my eye. Also, I find that's a good way to find books you'd go for, by visiting the shelves of writers you admire likes James. Yours didn't disappoint. I'd read the first chapter before I knew it. A compulsive and disturbing read with taught writing and strong characters. Your opening drew me in straight away.
Kate
Sucka!
Little Guide to Unhip

Like others, I came on the advice of Jamesmac.
What I found is something so deep and so complex it took my breath away. On the surface it seems to be nothing more than a man with some social/emotional problems. Then you begin to wonder if he's mentally ill, but gradually the truth begins to emerge.
Suddenly there's a conspiracy, not a silly internet rumour one, but a real organisation and targets and the means to carry them out.
And the reasons these men are so screwed up and so willing to go along with all this is disturbing and compelling and horryfing.
You aren't going to win any friends in some quarters for the motives behind all this and I am wondering if that so called "motive" is in fact a cover for something even deeper.
This isn't a comfortable read at times, although there are moments of deep black humour that give some relief, but its a very good read. I loved the tight single line dialogue that came every now and then, it was so powerful.
Nits? I never noticed, i was to busy sucking up the plot and wondering where the hell you were going to take this next.
God knows where I'm going to find you shelf space, but find it I will because this is bloody good.

You know you have some typos and corrections to do, but most have been picked up below, so I'll just say, WHAT A GREAT READ. Unusual, sparky, gritty, brilliant dialogue, loads of questions. You certainly can write, and you have a great tale here which I'm reading all of. And typos or not, you'll go on my shelf soon.
Cariad
STONES.

Jamesmac sent me here and I am very glad that he did. This is very good writing. Some wonderful sparse, clever lines. The first sentence - obviously; then lines like, 'I met God on the bus' and 'God comes home with us and he won't tell us his name'. Characters are drawn vividly - the smells, the mother who eats Christmas dinner in silence, Benny with his missing finger.

I'm going to give you some editing notes as I go through the Chapters. These are nitpicking - ignore if you want.

Ch. 1

'Cappucinos' (no apostrophe).
'Gave a shit' (past tense)
'home to my mother's' (apostrophe or alternatively mother but not mothers plural).
'who, the Father?' (capital 'F' because I presume the reference is to the priest)
'not a church like we'd have liked' (? - the way it is now doesn't make sense).
'Stained glass' (not stain glass)
'Benny directs' or eg. 'Benny's hand directs'
'cars to pass so that' (delete the 'and)

In a number of places your comma is outside the punctuation marks when it should be inside; sometimes it is missing.

I'll come back and do Chapter 2 later.

The only thing I've read on here so far I would go out tomorrow and buy. The only thing is the sense of setting; it seems to be set in the UK, yet the dialogue (discounting the style of the writing) implies an American rooting. The dialogue could be more convincing, if this is the case, without losing its stylistic credibility, and remove a little of the confusion I felt when reading it. Otherwise a great read.

i am curious what this is all about.

Gabriel(It Goes On Forever.)